LOCATION OF THE BAGPEOPLE
Written by DC Metalsteev, "MAD"Matt Mortenson & Pete Tucker with additional material by C. Armstrong
(c) 2001-2003 KAM Productions - a division of DSP/CSR
DISCLAIMER: The original characters are (c) of the writers, DC Metalsteev, "MAD"Matt Mortenson and Pete Tucker. All cameos are courtesy of their own respective bad selves.
AUTHORS NOTES & OTHER INFORMATION: This story was originally written by DC Metalsteev and then added to by "MAD"Matt Mortenson and Pete Tucker. This story was originally not supposed to make any sense and be completely stupid but because of the cult following, it was then revised, added to, and has now spawned two sequels.
SUMMARY: The adventures of one annoying man, Tom Hosebag, as he goes on stupid adventures with his best friend, Fran Paisley. Later on, they interact with a strange race of beings only known as the "Bagpeople". This leads to some of the most insane stuff ever written where wackiness, darkness, and complete and total chaos reign supreme. Plot? What's that?
Hosebag Residence
Kansas City, Missouri
January 29th, 2002 - Night
(Movie opens with camera entering TOM's house eventually moving into the kitchen.)
NARRATOR #1 (N#1): Night-time...
NARRATOR #2 (N#2): Or about 12:02 in the a.m.
N#1: Even though it could possibly be later.
N#2: Or even earlier...
N#1: But who really cares?
DIRECTOR: Well, I do so that I know what time it is. I got to get up early to go to work.
N#1: Then why be in the movie?
DIRECTOR: I'm not, I helped write it. Okay, yes I am in it...oh shut up and get on with it!!
BOTH NARRATORS: Okay! Damn!
N#1: Enter TOM HOESBAG. (TOM enters the kitchen.)
TOM: Goddammit, why do I have to be here in this scene? It's too damn late, or early in the night or morning...aww fuck it.
N#1: Darkness falls on the nighttime madness.
N#2: What the fuck?! It's already dark!
EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE PRODUCTION: Just keep going and shut up so we can see the movie.
N#2: Fuck you guys.
(Back to TOM.)
TOM: Damn straight.
N#1: While going into the kitchen, he discovers that he has a beer in the fridge.
TOM: I'm already in the kit...what kind?
N#1: Tom has found a Miller Genuwine Draft.
TOM: Good. I am a bit thirsty.
N#2: Just drink the damn beer.
TOM: Ahh. The cool refreshment of the nighttime sky and the beer in my mouth has gotten me dry and ready to eat some chicken. Is there any chicken in the house?
N#1: There is no chicken in the house.
TOM: Well, fine, I will drink the smooth leftyness of the Miller time slam.
N#1: Sure, you do that, and in the meantime here is the story. It begins...(put words here while TOM does a 15 second belch.)
N#1: Hey, do you mind? We are trying to tell them what got us to this point.
TOM: Sorry, lets just move on and let them figure it out.
N#1: Okay, fine...how about some TV?
TOM: Fine...jackass. (TOM moves to the living room, sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. Camera focuses on the TV, taking the whole screen. On TV, Star Wars is on. The scene is when Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and the droids are firing and running from storm troopers in the Death Star. Luke starts taunting them for their lack of aim. Suddenly, Luke gets zapped by a lucky shot and falls dead. Leia cries out and the rest of them charge in a grief filled suicide attack. One by one, they get picked off. The storm troopers walk up and kick them, poke them with rifles and such and them look at each other and, with laser rifles raised, let out triumphant cheers. Back to TOM.)
N#2: Uhhh...
TOM: This movie rules.
(Back to the TV, a door slides open a moment later and Darth Vader enters. He then proceeds to high five the storm troopers while doing the obligatory loud breathing. George Lucas walks in yelling "Hey, this is not how it goes." Darth Vader then unleashes his light saber and beheads George Lucas with all of the stormtroppers again cheering. Darth Vader then gives George Lucas's body the middle finger.)
DARTH VADER (mock voice but still similar): You have failed George Kenobi. Peter Jackson has usurped your throne!!
(A quick cut to images of exploding moons, planets and dead Ewoks follows, then images of the Empire throwing a party and laughing their asses off while watching Lord of the Rings. The credits begin to roll, showing it was the "Empire" version of Star Wars - complete with the rolling text like in the regular Star Wars movies.)
TOM: That was pretty cool...
N#1: Okay, that was the wrong show. (Yelling to background) Can we get the right one up please?
N#2: Actually, that was pretty funny...
N#1: Shut up!!
(TV goes fuzzy for a moment, then shows Middle Earth as if Lord Of The Rings is about to begin.)
N#1: That's better.
(Camera again focuses on the TV and we see Frodo is about to put the one ring on. This catches the notice of the Eye of Sauron, obviously. However, it soon becomes apparent that Frodo is NOT wearing the ring on his finger. As Sauron spies Frodo, you can hear him saying "I See You..." in his dark voice and then he realizes what it is he's seeing - Gay Hobbit Love. This turns into "I see you...oh my god! What are you doing? Noooo! You have defiled the ring! I no longer desire it!! My precious is lost forever!!" His eye then shrinks and dies. Thus, Middle Earth is saved by the undying love of two gay hobbits. The scene cuts to Bilbo saying "ha ha! That's my boy!". The scene then changes to Elrond completely repulsed while Gandalf takes note of it, raises an eyebrow, and then shrugging and smoking his pipe. The scene then changes again to Legolas looking longingly at Gimli and Gimli staring back at him saying "Don't even think about it!". Then the scene switches to Aragorn making out with Arwen. Aragorn says "At least it's not a total gay fest." and they proceed to have mad passionate sex. Scene goes back to TOM as he is joined by PETER JACKSON.)
PETER JACKSON (pointing off-screen): You've unleashed the fucking fury! Nobody fucks with my work! I'll be back for you!
TOM: Wow, Peter Jackson is awesome. Why'd they ruin his movie?
N#2: No kidding. (To N#1) I think he'll be looking for you soon.
N#1 (nervous): Um...nevermind, just skip forward to when Tom wakes up, jacks off, and then takes a shower.
(It's now morning.)
N#2: Well lets skip past the shower scene.
N#1: But it has some lovely acting and the spanking is magnificent, he uses two fingers.
N#2: You sick bastard, get the hell outta here!
TOM: Ahh, the joy of a shower in the morning hours, by the way, what time is it?
N#2: What we meant to say is that it is 8:09 a.m.
TOM: Better.
(While TOM starts to get ready for work, the phone rings.)
(bring bring)
N#2: What the hell kind of phone ring is that?
(TOM walks over to the phone mysteriously and answers the phone.)
TOM: Hello...?
(There is dead silence.)
VOICE: Have you got it?
TOM (looking pale): Got what?
VOICE: My coffee, you jerk. You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago.
TOM (like William Shatner): Who is this?
VOICE: Your bestest friend in the world! Some call me...Fran.
TOM: Fran, you dumb bastard, you almost made me fall of the horse and break my fucking neck.
FRAN: Why the hell do I get stuck with a lame name?
TOM: Aren't you the gay one?
FRAN: You son of a cock...
N#2: TOM looks around trying to look as though he has no idea of what FRAN has just said, and honestly, we don't really know what he just said either.
N#1: Just go with it.
N#2: I told you to get out of here you sick fuck! (Sound of a door slamming.) That's better.
TOM: Ummmm...yeah.
(All of a sudden...the door bursts open...)
MAN: Ha ha! (A MAN then throws a pen at the camera. The Camera Man, whose name is CAMRINI, dodges the pen.)
PENMAN: Son of a Bitch!
(CAMRINI pulls out a gun and shoots the PENMAN.)
CAMRINI: Fucking bastard, don't mess with the camera styling of the great Camrini!!
(Then two dwarfs walk in, pull out the body of the man while "Big Balls" by AC/DC plays in the background. As they walk out with the body, the DIRECTOR off-screen shouts "Shut the door!!" and one of the dwarves reaches back in and pulls the door shut.)
TOM (offscreen): Um, hey, isn't this movie about me? (Camera points back to TOM.) That's better. Now Fran...Fran....
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Talk into the phone!
TOM: Oh, okay. (Talking into phone) Fran...
FRAN: What the hell just happened over there?
TOM: Well, this guy walks in the door and the camera man kills him when the circus was in town.
FRAN: What?
TOM: Uh, yeah, these two tigers were getting it on. It was awesome.
DIRECTOR (off-screen): What movie are you in?!
TOM: The one with the goblins. They were stopping the aliens and stomping on cranberries.
N#2: The audience has been confused.
FRAN: They aren't the only ones. By the way, when are you going to show me?
N#2: All in due time, my gay friend.
FRAN: I am not gay.
N#2: If you were interested, Fran's last name is Paisley.
FRAN: Thanks, now I am gay.
TOM: Hey, this is my damn movie. Talk to me.
(By this time, CAMRINI has become bored and is now squashing TOM in the screen with his fingers - similar to that one guy on 'The Kids In The Hall'.)
TOM: Stop that. Stop that.
(CAMRINI flips off TOM.)
TOM: Yeah, fuck you too. Now...uh...line.
(The CUE CARD GUY runs out in front of the camera with ass crack showing.)
TOM: Those are blank.
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Turn them around, jackass!
TOM: They are still blank.
(Fade to black, but while the camera is fading to black, The DIRECTOR runs out and beats the hell out of TOM.)
Independence Center Mall
Independence, Missouri (just outside Kansas City)
January 30th, 2002 - Morning
(Two old women fighting over a pair of shoes in front of a shoe store and shouting profanities at one another while CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN watch on. The CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN theme music begins playing - it's a cheap rip-off of the Spy Hunter video game theme. CAPTAIN RETARDO has one of CARGOMAN's shoes in his hand for some reason.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Look at that. Ridiculous.
CARGOMAN: I'm serious, give it back you ass hole, that's my shoe!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO (gives CARGOMAN his shoe back): Prick. Let's go see what else we can find here.
(Scene cuts to a man in a mask walking around the pet store. He is EL LUCADOR.)
LADY: Can I help you?
EL LUCADOR: You will help me, WHEN I ASK FOR IT BITCH!!!!
LADY: Fine, you don't have to get an attitude.
EL LUCADOR: I will get an attitude, WHEN I WANT AN ATTITUDE!!!
LADY: Sir, please lower your voice or I will have to ask you to leave.
EL LUCADOR: Are you threatening me? Huh? Are you?
LADY: No, I just...
EL LUCADOR: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH!!!
LADY: Sir, please stop yelling at me.
EL LUCADOR: I will when I get to see the puppies, BITCH!!
LADY: They are over there...
EL LUCADOR: Thank you.
(Scene cuts to CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN on an escalator, with a young white kid. The kid is dressed in the gangsta style.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: So, kid, what's your name?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Fuck off, weirdo.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Where did you learn that language?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Where do you think? Rap music, muthafucka.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Really...
(Scene cuts away to CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN leaving the escalator.)
MAN: Captain Retardo! Cargoman! We need your help, there is a kid caught in the escalator!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We know...
CARGOMAN: Yeah, we put him there!!!
MAN: What? But you guys are supposed to be good guys, right?
CARGOMAN: What, do you think we are superheroes?
MAN: Well, isn't that what you are?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell are you talking about?
MAN: You know, people who have superpowers and use them for helping people?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Oh, yeah, we are superpeople....
MAN: And?
CARGOMAN: And what?
MAN: Do you help people?
CARGOMAN: We help ourselves.
MAN: What?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: This is pointless. Okay, we do help people in need, but now we need to get to the Cookie Factory...they are selling chocolate chip cookies.
MAN: But, the kid?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: The kid can wait...these are the only chocolate chip cookies ever made!! Duh...
MAN: The kid...
CARGOMAN: Fuck the kid man, come get a cookie with us.
MAN: I..I..I...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I hate to do this, but, I think you deserve it...
MAN: Deserve what?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: My father gave it to me when I was a kid, it made me feel better, so now I will give it to you...
(CAPTAIN RETARDO pulls out a small piece of paper and gives it to the MAN. CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN both leave.)
MAN (unfolding the paper, reading): Keep this for good luck? (looks up) I could have written that!!!
Hosebag Residence
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Morning
(MARY JO enters TOM's house.)
MARY JO: Hi, um, who is in this scene with me?
N#2: Just act.
MARY JO: Lalalalalala (She begins dancing in the middle of the screen)
(After 5 minutes of nothing exciting, MARY JO gets shot by CAMRINI and in come the dwarves to do their thing again, but this time they shut the door and the crew goes bananas because someone did something right.)
TOM: Heck yeah.
N#2: You are not in this scene.
TOM: Oh. But um we uh...
N#2: Tom, we have a gun.
(CAMRINI waves it in front of the camera.)
TOM: You have a point.
CAMRINI: That's right motherfucker!!!
(Camera fades to black.)
Some Weird Laboratory
Somewhere In The Universe
Time & Date Unknown
PROFESSOR: I have found the anecdote!!!!
ASSISTANT: Thats great!! But does it work?
PROFESSOR: Only one way to find out...we need a test subject...
ASSISTANT: But who?
PROFESSOR: Hmm...lets take it to the street...there, we can find a subject worthy of the test.
ASSISTANT: Okay, lets do this.
(The PROFESSOR AND ASSISTANT walk out of the room with the green anecdote and go out onto the street where there are some homeless BUMS.)
PROFESSOR (pointing to one of them): This one will do. Now, we need to get him to taste it.
(The PROFESSOR and ASSISTANT proceed over to the a BUM and start to hassle him trying to get him to open his mouth when all of a sudden, the BUMS start to revolt attacking and driving the PROFESSOR and the ASSISTANT to the ground.)
PROFESSOR: We must not drop the anecdote!!! We must yell for help!!! HELP!!!
(By this time the ASSISTANT has been brutally egged by the BUMS.)
N#2: And how the hell did they get the eggs anyway?
ASSISTANT: Ahhh! The yoke, it is seeping into my lungs!!! I am not going to make it Professor! I think I feel the whites entering my nervous system and even my medula oblongata!!!
PROFESSOR: No, my precious Assistant!! You will not have died in vain for I will rescue you and destroy these worthless bums!!! And I will...
(The camera has now been shifted as though someone has grabbed it and pulled it away from the scene.)
TOM: Hey, where did they come from? You didn't get me leaving my house. I had problems with the neighbor's dog and he tried to kill me!!!
DIRECTOR: Damnit Tom!! We had a great scene here! Why the fuck did you do that??
TOM: Well, this movie is about me and my adventures with the bagpeople, isn't it?
** Credits start rolling, even though it is about 15 minutes into the movie **
Somewhere In The Woods
Near Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Night
PERSON: Ahh, they are going to get me!!! I cannot escape from them for they will hunt me down and destroy my family and friends and neighbors and church associates and my girlfriend and her family and her families neighbors and then they will attack their neighbors and then back to my already dead neighbors and then to their neighbors and then to...uhh...ummm...my neighbors and then they will go back home and eat a nice dinner and then back to my neighbors dogs and cats and barnyard animals and then to the zoo and then they will have...ummm...well, uh...who are they again?
(By this time one of the BAGPEOPLE are emerging from the forest.)
BAGPERSON: Please don't run. I can't get this bag off of me!!! It is cutting off the air that I need to breathe!!!
PERSON: Holy shit, he has found me, run....RUN!!!!
BAGPERSON: No, wait, I need help, I can't breathe!!!!
PERSON: AHHHHHH!!!!! (The PERSON is now running really slow and throwing his hands in the air as if he is waving to the neighbors down the street) I must find my car and get away from this horrid thing!!! (He reaches in his pocket for his keys) They are not there!!!!! My keys!!! I am going to di...oh wait, I don't drive. I DON'T DRIVE!!!!!
(PERSON still running very slow runs into TOM.)
TOM: Watch were your going you dumb fuck!!
PERSON: But the bagpeople are coming!! They are coming here!!
TOM: Who?
PERSON: The bagpeople!!!
TOM: Who the fuck are the bagpeople?
PERSON: They are the people that will kill you with those plastic bags on the heads yelling profanities and throwing stuff at you, like knives and beer bottles and even those really tasty chocolate beans!!!
TOM: They are pretty tasty.
PERSON: Yeah, you know you can pick them up at Sav-Mart down the road right? Two for a dollar.
TOM: No, actually I didn't. Do you get the free bean catcher?
PERSON: No, you can only get that through mail-order.
TOM: Really? A friend of mine went to the outlet mall and got one.
PERSON: Was it a hand-me down?
TOM: No, I'm pretty sure that is was never used. But I could be wrong.
PERSON: I'm pretty sure your wrong.
TOM: You dumb son of a bitch, I will kill you!!!!!
PERSON: But I wasn't the one that said it.
TOM: What?
PERSON: Those people behind the car said it.
(TOM looks around and notices that there are no cars.)
TOM: Which car?
PERSON: What?
TOM: You lied!!!
(TOM now takes out a gun and shoots the poor bastard, and of course of the dwarves come back, but this time, they decide to desecrate the body and start to pull flesh from the bullet wound. Then a BYSTANDER comes out, looks at them, looks around and sits down by them and then takes a piece of flesh and eats it.)
BYSTANDER: Pepperoni!!!
TOM: What the hell is he doing here?
DIRECTOR: Who?
TOM: That damn bastard!! He can't even read a cue card!!!!
DIRECTOR: Shut the fuck up and do your lines!!!
TOM: To eat or not to eat, the blood of the innocent has never tasted so good. Sort of like an almond roast basted chicken or even a turkey of some sort. Either way, it just tastes really damn good!!
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Eat the damn pizza!!
TOM: Yes, I will eat this man's pizza and then I will go home to a nice dinner with chocolate beans.
(The DIRECTOR comes out on screen.)
DIRECTOR: What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a moron? It is supposed to be scary!!
TOM: Oh, well you never told me it was a horror flick.
DIRECTOR: Imbecile!
TOM: Okay, back to my character...I will eat the blood of the holy and drink from his flesh as if he was my mother's ex-husband's child. And I will enjoy this death for I am now a fan of evil lifestyles!!! Hahahaha!!!!!!
(TOM now eats with the cue card guy and the dwarves, and the scene fades to black.)
Some English Castle
Near Sussex, England
In The Year Of Their Lord 1445 - Morning
(Lightning strikes and ignites a tree in the forest.)
KING (yelling): SQUIRE!!!!
SQUIRE (panting as if running up numerous flights of stairs): Yes, your highness, you called for me?
KING: Who let him into my quarters?
SQUIRE: I am sorry, what do you mean?
KING (frightened): The figure in black? Who let him in and where did he go?
SQUIRE: I am sorry your highness, I am not sure what you are talking about. Were you harmed?
KING: I am not sure. I do feel very strange though. It feels as if he had taken my life, but yet I still breathe. Is that possible?
SQUIRE: I am not so sure I understand the question?
KING: The figure, he came in and kneeled beside my bed as if he knew me. I turned to look at him, but he stopped me with his hand, and then he started to whisper.
--(Flashback Sequence)--
DARK FIGURE: I wouldn't yell if I were you. Why, you look as though you had seen a ghost. I have never seen a man turn so white so fast, but I will be quick with you. Your life means nothing to me and your people and your wealth means little as well, so do not attempt to buy me off with a sum of money or slaves, for they will not suffice on this deal. I am after the one they call, Kamron. I understand that you have seen him and have aided him recently. Is this true?
KING: Yes, I have seen him. He needed food for some kind of journey. Why?
DARK FIGURE: This is not for you to hear. Now, where did he go?
KING: I want to know why you're after him.
DARK FIGURE: I see, a king who is curious. The last man who was this curious ended up with his head on a stake. Now, again, where did he go?
KING: He headed toward Scotland, I believe.
DARK FIGURE: You are not lying are you? I have come across your type before, and I wasn't impressed. Now, the truth.
KING: Okay, fine, he talked about the new world a lot. Maybe he went there. I am not sure though.
DARK FIGURE: I believe you this time. Thats better. Now a little something to help you go back to sleep.
(The DARK FIGURE reaches on the KING's head and looks upward towards the sky and then grunts as if he has lost some energy and then gets up and slowly sort of vanishes into the walls.)
--(End of Flashback Sequence)--
KING: I don't even know what it was that the figure gave me, but I feel sort of lifeless. What do you think it means?
SQUIRE: Well, your highness, I have no idea. Maybe it was a dream of some sort. Let me see your head.
(The KING leans down to show the SQUIRE his head. There is a big patch of hair that is missing and a small red dot as if it where blood.)
SQUIRE: That is very strange.
KING: What is it?
SQUIRE: I am not sure. It looks as if maybe he took something from you. Blood, hair, something, I am not quite sure though, it could just be a guess.
KING: I hope you are right.
Independence Center Mall
Independence, Missouri (just outside Kansas City)
January 30th, 2002 - Morning
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN are walking into Musicland.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I need to find that one CD...
CARGOMAN: Which one?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That one...you know, with the guy and the piano...
CARGOMAN: Michael Flatley?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: YES!!!
CARGOMAN: Is it even available?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: It is Top 40, right? Then no problem....
(They walk up to the counter. A CASHIER is standing there.)
CASHIER: Umm...uhh...we don't have any candy.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What?
CASHIER: I didn't know it was that time of the year...
CARGOMAN: What are you talking about?
CASHIER: I like your pants.
CARGOMAN: Why, thank you...I mean what?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We need to find a CD.
CASHIER: Uhh...sure. Which one?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Michael Flatley.
CASHIER: Uhh...what?
CARGOMAN: Michael Flatley!!!
CASHIER: Uhh...what?
(A guy walks up to the counter. It is an obviously stereotypical black robber.)
ROBBER: Michael Flatley muthafucka!! Now break yo'self and gimme some ah dat goddamn cash!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah foo, we be n da cash game...
CARGOMAN: What?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Just go along with it.
ROBBER (to CAPTAIN RETARDO): Who da fuck are you?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I be here to help ya make some dough.
ROBBER: Um...sure, why not? (in a low voice)...scapegoat. (Louder.) I be Nelly G Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game, ho.
CASHIER: Would you like to become a frequent buyer today, Mr. G Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game?
NELLY: Frequent taker maybe...
CASHIER: Uhh...what?
NELLY: Just gimme da damn cash bitch.
CASHIER: Oh, okay....
CAPTAIN RETARDO (to CARGOMAN): We are gonna be rich...(yelling) RICH!!!
NELLY: What? Dis be my benjamins. You wanna die?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Sure. Sounds exciting.
CARGOMAN: No, he said die!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Oh, not today.
NELLY: Good, now get outta here!! Or I cap yo ass!!!
CARGOMAN: Cap this! (pulls out an inflatable hammer)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Uhh...
NELLY: What the fuck is that?
CARGOMAN: My gat foo....
(NELLY starts laughing and grabs at the hammer. When he touches the hammer, the hammer shoots him in the chest killing him.)
(EL LUCADOR comes running down the walkway.)
EL LUCADOR: Oh my god, you killed him!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Eh...he'll die again later.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN take the money and run off.)
Hosebag Residence
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Around Noon
(FRAN and TOM are sitting at the kitchen table.)
TOM: I remember the good ol' days, eating an occasional roast beef sandwich with grape jelly on it. Ah yes, the good ole days.
FRAN: But these are still those days. You are eating that sandwich right now!!! And why did I leave work to come here anyways?
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Just shut up and go with it.
TOM: Yes to the average person that may be true, but I am invincible and can climb the monkey bars faster than any 8 year old kid. Only because they are slow and stupid compared to me.
FRAN: Not again.
TOM: What? You think that I am not invincible?
FRAN: I didn't say that...
TOM: Then what did you say, you cock sucking hoebag...
FRAN: Hey, I am not gay.
TOM: Why not, there is nothing wrong with it.
FRAN: I know, but still.
TOM: Are you saying that you have no homosexual tendencies?
FRAN: Yes, I have no homosexual tendencies.
TOM: Okay...really?
FRAN: Enough of this, you know me.
TOM: I know...so are you gay?
FRAN: What ever happened to that guy in the woods?
TOM: Don't change the subject. I know what you are trying to do...and what guy? Are you jealous?
FRAN: The guy from the woods that bumped into you...
--(Flashback Sequence)--
(TOM running very slow and runs into the PERSON)
PERSON: Watch were your going you dumb fuck!!
TOM: But the bagpeople are coming!! They are coming here!!
PERSON: Who?
TOM: The bagpeople!!!
PERSON: Who the fuck are the bagpeople?
TOM: They are the people that will kill you with those plastic bags on the heads yelling profanities and throwing stuff at you, like knives and beer bottles and even those really tasty chocolate beans!!!
PERSON: They are pretty tasty.
--(End of Flashback Sequence)--
TOM: Yeah that guy was an asshole. I didn't mean to run into him. And he had to get an attitude.
FRAN: What? That's not how it happened...
TOM: Where the hell were you? I was running from the woods and he stepped in front of me and then called me a dumb fuck. Where is the logic in that?
FRAN (shaking head): Man, you have to question if you are really that dumb. I mean, how many people can honestly go through life being the...uh...well...I guess the moron.
TOM: Just call me Jim.
FRAN: What?
JIM: Thats right, I have now changed my name. I will now be known as Jim the Enforcer. Touch me and die, I have the power and my car can talk to me.
FRAN: Well, if you say so. (FRAN starts to look annoyed and even the cast and crew starts to look annoyed because the only one who knows what is going on here is the DIRECTOR and basically, the DIRECTOR has no knowledge of anything. FRAN looks at the camera and now nods as if we were correct, now if only the audience could hear us, they would probably agree.)
FRAN: Damn Straight.
JIM: What?
FRAN: Yes. That is correct.
JIM: Now, to find these innocent, lovely bag people. I hear they have great overnight parties.
FRAN: Uh...yeah, and you have an IQ of about 12?
JIM: Actually 13 to be exact. They say I get smarter with every toolbox that falls on my head. Last week, one fell on me and thus my intelligence has moved to 13.
FRAN: Is that a good thing?
JIM: Yes, I believe you are not a cat.
Somewhere In The Woods
Near Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Around Noon
(A large gathering of BAGPEOPLE. Two of them appear to be similar to certain cartoon characters...)
BAGPERSON #1: Hufff...huffff, we must formulate a plan (wheez) if we're going to succeed.
HUFFHEAD (Talking low to a friend): Huh-huh...he said suck seed...huh-huh (kaff-kaff).
BAGPERSON #2: Every time (deep painful breath) we try to get help from the Bagless Ones (pant-pant) they flee in terror from us and (hack) don't listen to a word we say.
BAGPERSON #1: Right. (yak) I mean, it's not our fault (snort) that we are so repulsive is it (huwah)??
BAGPERSON #2: Repulsive!!?? (ffftttt) I beg your pardon. My wife thinks I'm a stud!! (suck)(huh?)
BAGPERSON #3 (woman): Well for one (Darth Vader-esque kuhhhh-woooooh) insects make their homes in our bag-sacks, and for two, small furry woodland creatures crawl into them while we're asleep (BIG whuhah) and fill them with their vile excrements!! And just what does your wife know anyway? She sports a K-Mart bag! (huffah)
ALL BAGPEOPLE: OOOOOOhhhhh!!!! (Big collective sucking sound)
BAGPERSON #2: (woooof) Thems fightin' words!! If I weren't wearing this bag bitch, I'd (cough-wheez) kick your ass!!
BAGPERSON #3: (hwahhhh) And that's another thing...how are we NOT gonna scare the Bagless Ones (hufff) when we run around without any pants on? (panting) I'm SURE I'm not the only one who remembers the trailer park incident.
BAGPERSON #1: (bwahhh) Ahh yes...the trailer park incident.
--(Flashback Sequence)--
N#1: Many years ago...
N#2: Or was it months? Wait a minute...what the hell are you doing back? Mr. Jackson!!
(Scene changes to the Narrator's booth with two guys watching a screen which is showing the movie. PETER JACKSON walks in, dressed as Shaft - like SAMUEL L. JACKSON in the movie Shaft - and pulls out a huge shotgun.)
PETER JACKSON: I'll teach you to fuck with my movie, bitch!
N#1: Nooooooo!!!!! (Gunshot goes off and N#1 explodes. N#2 high-fives PETER JACKSON.)
N#2: Thanks a lot. So are you off to take out the voters at the Academy Awards?
PETER JACKSON: You're damn right. A Beautiful Mind? Chicago? What the hell were they thinking? I'mm gonna fuck their shit up!! (PETER JACKSON walks out to the Shaft theme.)
N#2: Thanks again. So anyways...
(Camera changes to a trailer park with BECKY SUE HORNSWOGGLE, decked out in tube top and cutoff shorts hanging laundry just outside her doublewide trailer as one of the BAGPEOPLE approaches.)
BAGPERSON: Help me, please (suck/snort).
BECKY SUE: Ahh hell. You tryin' to scare me or somethin'? Cause I'll have you know I wasn't scared when Bigfoot came and ate my pet raccoon and I wasn't scared when that flyin' saucer came down and abducted my cousin...er...brother Billy Ray.
BAGPERSON: (yakk) I mean you no harm. I simply need a favor (whoop).
BECKY SUE: (eyeing bagperson warily) What KIND of favor?
BAGPERSON: (stepping from behind old primer-colored rusted-out Ford Pinto up on cement blocks) I need you to grab my bag and pull on it.
(BECKY SUE starts screaming.)
BAGPERSON: (suck-suck) Pull on it as hard as you can!! I won't be satisfied (huff) until you've jerked it off completely!!
(At this point JIM-BOB, BECKY SUE's slightly retarded father/uncle/third cousin twice removed rounds the corner, shotgun in hand, and having heard the last part of the previous exchange takes aim at the BAGPERSON and lets him have it with both barrels. The BAGPERSON begins to move, trying to crawl away, but then...)
CAMRINI: Ohhh no you don't! (sets camera down, takes out gun and shoots the BAGPERSON.) Yeah!! Who's da man??!!
JIM-BOB: Whutta ya think yer doin?? (points shotgun at CAMRINI).
CAMRINI: Oh shit!! (Looks off-camera) Grab the fuckin' camera, man! We outta here!! (CAMRINI takes off running, with the CUE CARD guy holding the camera to sounds of shotgun blasts.)
--(End Flashback Sequence)--
BAGPERSON #1: It seems like only yesterday...
BAGPERSON #2: Uh, it WAS yesterday, dumbass.
BAGPERSON #1: But the narrator said...
N#2: Do NOT fuck with the narrator!! I will pop your stupid bag like a zit Hefty-boy!! I could...oh...sorry...just got a little carried away there. Go on...it's okay.
BAGPERSON #3: We might as well face it (hwuuk). The Bagless Ones will always fear that (slurp)(?) which they do not understand. We'll never be (hwuff) accepted by or get help from them.
BOOMING VOICE FROM OFFSCREEN (kind of a suck/snore sound, like a growl): We DON'T need their acceptance. We will become their masters (sound again) and make them bow before us. (big snort) NEVER again will the Bagless Ones spill the blood of (huahhh) our kind. They will learn to fear the (hufff) Brotherhood of the Bagpeople!!! So swear I...(camera pans around to show a BIG bag with a stupid looking helmet on it) BAGNETO!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAKHAKHAKOFFKOFFKOFF!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: Yeah! He's right! (pant) Come on guys, let's get 'em!! (wheez) (The bagpeople all look around at each other, nodding slowly, and begin to follow BAGNETO. In the background, we see two bag people talking to each other.)
WHEEZIS: Dude, (wheez) that Bagneto guy has a big purple helmet.
HUFFHEAD: Huh-huh (Huff). You said, "big purple helmet". Huh-huff.
WHEEZIS: Yeah, (wheez) he looks like a big schlong.
HUFFHEAD: So...uh...do you like big schlongs Wheezis??
WHEEZIS: (wheez) Shut up, butthole!!
Near The Junctions of I-70 and I-435
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(JIM and FRAN walking along side a highway.)
JIM: I'm not sure this is really that safe....
FRAN: No, but this is something we have to do if we are going to take on these bag people, I mean, they are not human, they scream as though they are constantly in pain, so that pretty much eliminates hurting them.
JIM: Why?
FRAN: I'm not really sure, but I don't think it will work. I mean, they have bags and we have nothing!!
JIM: That's right, we need a weapon of some sort.
(Just then a truck pulls over to the side of the road and a DWARF jumps out. It's one of the dwarves who carry out dead bodies.)
DWARF: Did I hear something about weapons?
JIM: Um...no.
DWARF: Okay, I had a few guns that I could sell, but if it wasn't you, then I will take my business elsewhere.
(The DWARF jumps back into the truck and drives off.)
FRAN: Why didn't you take the gun?
JIM: From him? Are you crazy? He probably had dwarf bullets and those things don't hurt at all.
FRAN: WHAT????
JIM: Dwarf bullets...you know...the small pellets?
FRAN: Are we talking about the same thing?
JIM: Yes.
FRAN: Cause if we...what? Did you say yes?
JIM: Yes.
FRAN: My god, have you gone mad?
JIM: I have no understanding of what you are talking about.
FRAN: How they hell would he only have dwarf bullets?
JIM: I don't know, because he is a dwarf maybe?
FRAN: You are an idiot...
(Camera zooms out and we see a COP pull up to them. The COP gets out and walks up to the two arguing dorks.)
COP: Are you guys going to move someday?
JIM: What do you mean?
COP: You are blocking the off-ramp!!!!
JIM: Okay, we'll move, but you have to help us with this problem we have...
FRAN: I don't think that is a good idea Jim.
JIM: No, its cool. We are after the bagpeople and we need some guns to go kill them. This dwarf gets out and he tries to sell us a gun, but I'm not stupid, we could have only gotten dwarf bullets. Am I right?
FRAN: Oh shit, we're fucked.
COP: The bagpeople, huh? I think I saw one down the road just a minute ago. Are they dangerous?
JIM: They almost took off my shoe...
COP: Those bastards!!!
JIM: So, can we have a gun?
COP: Yeah, I mean, fuck, take my car too. Just don't let them get me...I have some nice shoes and I don't want to lose them.
JIM: Not a problem. By the way, can I borrow your license too?
COP: Excuse me?
JIM: I don't have one yet.
COP: Um...
JIM: The shoes...
COP: Um...
FRAN: Don't listen to him.
COP: Hey, you shut the fuck up. This is a very important decision...
FRAN: Has everyone gone mad?
COP: That's it buddy.
(The COP handcuffs FRAN and throws him in the car. Then comes back to JIM.)
COP: Your friend needs an attitude adjustment.
JIM: Tell me about it.
COP: Okay, here is the deal, there are guns and ammo in the car, only use what you need, and don't lose my license either.
(COP hands over license and keys to JIM.)
N#2: What a dumbass.
JIM: Cool.
COP: Be careful...
JIM: I don't need to be, I am the enforcer!!! Hahaha!!!!
(JIM gets in the car, turns around and sees FRAN and starts to laugh.)
JIM: You look stupid back there.
FRAN: Uncuff me Jim.
JIM: Are you going to be nice?
FRAN: Why am I the only sane one here?
JIM: No uncuffy for you today.
(JIM drives off with the cop car, but starts going the wrong way. JIM turns on the radio.)
RADIO: ...with the news, I am Abaschumbee Buttnugget. Our top story...be on the lookout for Mike Hunt, the dangerous psychopath. He escaped from Fort Leavenworth prison three nights ago and is believed to be at large in the Kansas City area. He is armed and extremely dangerous.
(Just then a girl runs up beside them.)
GIRL: Holy shit, Mike Hunt is loose!!!!
JIM: Where the fuck did you come from bitch?
GIRL: What does it matter?
JIM: I need some pussy bitch and my friend back here wants to watch because he is gay...
FRAN: I am not gay.
GIRL: He says he's not gay.
JIM: His last name is Paisley.
GIRL: He is gay...so what does he know about decorating?
FRAN: Nothing.
JIM: You should see his house. He has the craziest bathroom in the world, it is decorated with flowers and candles...
N#2: We don't know how to end this scene so we have this instead.
(A man posing as one of those damn monkeys with cymbals goes across the screen.)
Along I-70
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN are walking along the highway.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We need to go back into town and grab Ruler Boy.
CARGOMAN: But he doesn't want to help us out!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yes he does. He just needs a little guidance...
CARGOMAN: Who will teach him?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I don't know...
(Everyone starts to look puzzled.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: But I do know this, it's time to dance...
(Both start to dance like idiots, well, because they are idiots!! The scene ends...but suddenly the scene starts up again...)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: The Captain will get his man, for I am...CAPTAIN RETARDO!!!!!!!!
(Theme music starts playing. Then...the evil dominate BAGZILLA shows up and starts to hassle the guys.)
BAGZILLA: Muhoohahahahaha*cough*cough hahahahaha
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Who the fuck are you?
BAGZILLA: Bagzilla...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Okay, what are you doing here?
BAGZILLA: Destroying the humans...muhoohahahahah*cough*cough hahahaha...why do I keep coughing?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I don't know...but you are ruining our spotlight time. The only time we are the heroes of the movie...
BAGZILLA: Well, what should I do?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Run....
BAGZILLA: What???
CARGOMAN: You heard the man, run you piece of shit or we will be on you and make you wish that we were eating at the IHOP down the road instead and then maybe you will enjoy the way we...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Um, Cargoman, thats enough. I just said run...
CARGOMAN: Can we eat?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: No. But we need to find a ride to Ruler Boy's domain....
CARGOMAN: How will we do that???
CAPTAIN RETARDO: To the road Cargoman!!!!!
(Theme music starts again.)
N#2: I'm not sure what happened to Bagzilla, but I guess we need to move and follow Captain Retardo and the other shithead.
(As they move for the road, a giant bird falls to the ground with a broken wing...)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That bird fell... Now, when we get to the road, we need you to pull out the giant thumb.
CARGOMAN: Gotcha...
(They walk past a priest that is sexually abusing an altar boy.)
ALTAR BOY: Captain Retardo, I need your help!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I'm hearing you talk.
(They keep walking, the priest keeps abusing.)
(All of a sudden, CARGOMAN pulls out a giant styrofoam thumb and cars start to crash into one another from laughing so hard. One jeep stops in front of them. The man driving opens the door. It's PETER TAGTRGEN of Hypocrisy.)
PETER: Hehehe, need a ride?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: How did you know?
PETER: What?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Um, chicken butt?
PETER: Get in the damn jeep!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yes, sir...
(As they drive down the road, with the most recent Pain release playing, they come across a police car that happens to be the one that our main characters are driving, with FRAN still handcuffed in the backseat and now he is crying...really crying...like a river falling off the map.)
N#2: Who writes this crap?
DIRECTOR (off-screen): SHUT UP!!!!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Hey, I think I know those guys...
PETER: Goddammit!!! All of this talking is making me crazy!!!! (PETER whips out an AK-47 and starts shooting at the traffic behind them.)
PETER: Die Mutherfucker, Die!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell?
PETER: Shut your mouth you mutherfucker!! Aaagghhhhhh!!!!!
("Shut Your Mouth" by Pain begins playing. Bullets are flying and people are dying and the world goes to hell because PETER went insane.)
Autumn Falls Retirement Home
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
MAN #1: This movie sucks.
MAN #2: No shit.
Along I-70, close to I-435
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Just calm down, we can throw Cargoman out the back and he can stop traffic!!!
CARGOMAN: What???? My name is Cargoman, not Speedbumpman!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: It's all the same, you're my sidekick. So shut-up. Now get in position...
CARGOMAN: No!!!!!!!!!!!!
PETER: I shall eat my breakfast now.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Whatcha eating? Can I buy some from you?
PETER: No, they are MY biscuits bitch!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Aww. I'll be your friend.
PETER: No. And why the hell are you in my jeep????
CARGOMAN: You let us...
PETER: Shut your mouth bitch!!! ("Shut Your Mouth" starts playing again.) I will school your ass!!!!
(No one is paying attention to JIM and FRAN as they are now mooning our heroes.)
JIM: Yoohoo, remember us? This is still our movie...Now watch us...
CAPTAIN RETARDO (Pointing to PETER): This guy keeps talking like the Colonel. And No. I am the hero, get bent.
CARGOMAN: Me too.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Hey, you're supposed to be on the road.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO kicks CAROGMAN out of the jeep.)
CARGOMAN: But I... owww...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Just let it go, man, tuck and roll.
(CARGOMAN goes rolling down the road and cars start crashing again...)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Now I will eat his breakfast.
PETER: Whatcha eating?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Donuts....
(CAPTAIN RETARDO eats a jelly donut and red jelly flys out and hits PETER.)
PETER: Mutherfucker...I'll shoot your ass...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Like I said, tuck and roll.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO jumps out of the jeep.)
PETER: Mutherfucker!!!!!!!
N#2: By now, we are still trying to figure out who was driving when the jeep crashes into the median. The dumb bastard. But of course, when our main characters where mooning the heroes, who was driving their car? And where did that girl go?
JIM: That guy died.
FRAN: That's great, now can I get these damn cuffs off of me?
JIM: I think they make you look sexy.
FRAN: I'm not gay!!!!!
JIM: Yes you are, my homosexual friend.
FRAN: God damnit!!!!
JIM: People say that gay people make fruit pies...I say they make chicken pot pies, what do you say?
FRAN: I like chicken pot pies.
JIM: Really...
(long pause)
JIM: ...........
FRAN: Hello?
JIM: ...........
FRAN: Are you watching the road?
JIM: ...........
FRAN: HEY!!!
JIM: ...........
(JIM finally takes out his earplugs.)
JIM (singing): I'm a maniac...maniac on the road! And I'm driving like I've never driven before (stops singing)...wait, I haven't. This is my first time.
FRAN: Aw fuck...
JIM: Let's see what's on the radio...(JIM pretends to turn on the radio) (in a low voice) The bagpeople have escaped and we need help in tracking them but first, we will listen to the soothing sounds of Marduk. (screams) PANZER DIVISION MARDUK! AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
FRAN: Change the channel, please?
JIM: It was me!!!!!!
FRAN: Ummm...why the hell are we still sitting here?
JIM: I don't know how to drive...remember?
FRAN: I can drive...but I need out of these cuffs...
JIM: Okay...wait a minute...(looks at an index card that reads "Anything Fran says is a lie.") You can't drive.
FRAN: Damn that card! (looks back at JIM) Give me the card, I can keep it clean for you.
JIM: Okay...(looks at card again)...NO!!!!!!
(MAN #1 walks up to car.)
MAN #1: I told you this movie sucked.
(MAN #1 walks away.)
Along I-70
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(JIM has finally uncuffed FRAN.)
N#2: This scene starts with Jim and Fran fucking...around. Those faggots.
JIM: I think I know where this little scene is going and I don't like it but...I will continue since it is for science.
FRAN: Science?
JIM: Yeah, that guy over there is from the School of Science. (JIM points to a man in white coat and on the back it reads "Beef, It's what's for dinner." It's the PROFESSOR from earlier.)
FRAN: Ummmmm...okay.
JIM: I think they are doing research for dinner. They asked me if I knew how to get to the highway, I said, yes. Then I walked over here. I never answered a survey that quickly before.
FRAN: I think they needed help to get back to the highway...
JIM: Then why didn't he ask? He should have said "help". And then I would have laughed at him like he was a fool.
FRAN: I can't believe you. You are such a stuck up little snob!!
JIM: At least I am talking to girls and trying to have sex, Mr.-I-Like-Men-And-Want-To-Touch-Their-Penises.
FRAN: I will kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JIM: How come his sentence is longer than mine?
FRAN: What?
JIM: Chicken butt?
FRAN: What?
JIM: I already answered that one.
FRAN: Where is Tom? I want to speak to Tom.
JIM: Tom is dead. There is only...Jim? I don't like that name anymore.
FRAN: You can't just change your name in a movie. People get confused.
(The car stops in front of the Hosebag Residence and JIM and FRAN get out.)
JIM: I will now be known as...Lorkus, The Manifestical Bastard.
FRAN: That's not even human.
LORKUS: Yes, it is me Lorkus...I am invincible. With my robot armor I am unstoppable!!!
(FRAN kicks LORKUS in the nuts.)
LORKUS: Ohhhhhhh.
FRAN: I knew it!!! You ARE insane!!! I thought it was all an act!!!
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Okay, that's it. (On-screen now) You are an idiot!! Why do you think he was cast in the role?
FRAN: Who are you?
DIRECTOR: The director, jackass. And by the way...
FRAN: Yes?
DIRECTOR: You're fired!!!
FRAN: What???
DIRECTOR: Now please, collect your belongings and move on...
FRAN: What about the movie? I am a main character!!!!
DIRECTOR: No. You are expendable.
FRAN: But...
DIRECTOR: Get the fuck out!!!!
FRAN: That's not fair!!!
DIRECTOR: Uh...Camrini do your thing...
FRAN: That's okay. I will leave. (low voice) Bastard.
DIRECTOR: I heard that!!!! You better run boy!!!!!!!
(A big, fat white man then dances a jig for no reason.)
Near The Woods (basically Tom's backyard)
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(Scene starts with LORKUS catching a bag person trying to steal his lunch.)
LORKUS: Damn Bastard!!!!!!!! That's my damn lunch!!!!
BAGPERSON: But (huff) I really (deep breathe) need the food.
LORKUS: Where the hell are you going to put it?
BAGPERSON: But (whoop) I am hun(huff)gry.....
LORKUS: There's no excuse...and besides, bag people are not my friends...I will kill them...kill them all!!!!!
BAGPERSON: I will (huff) do anything to (whoop) not offend you...(whoop)
LORKUS: Really?
BAGPERSON: (huff) Really...
LORKUS: Okay...put your mouth on the curb.
BAGPERSON: Oka...what?????!!!!!!
LORKUS: You heard me...eat the curb!!!! Jackass....
BAGPERSON: You can't make me (whoop)...!!!!
LORKUS: I've got the great Camrini, and he's got a gun....
BAGPERSON (sees CAMRINI off-screen): I see your point. (whoop)!!
(BAGPERSON gets down and puts his teeth on the curb and LORKUS winds up for the stomp.)
LORKUS: Allright...now you can get up.
BAGPERSON: What (whoop)?
LORKUS: I can't kill a bag person like that. It's just too mean.
BAGPERSON: Oh thank you...(huff)(whoop)
LORKUS: Let me help you with that bag.
BAGPERSON: Thank you kind sir knight.
(LORKUS takes the bag off of his head. It's FRAN.)
LORKUS: There we go...Fran??!! Well, actually, put your mouth back on the curb! I do hate fags, especially those who were fired from the movie...
FRAN: NO!!!!!
(FRAN gets down on the curb and then the camera shows a MEAN LOOKING GUY. A caption appears on the lower screen and says "The guy who almost appeared for this scene.")
(Back to LORKUS who is about to smash a watermelon.)
LORKUS: Die undead lunch!!!!!
(Watermelon goes everywhere...)
LORKUS: I have saved the day again!!!!! No more fags!!!!! Or watermelon!!!!! You make the call, homey....
(Scene fades again...and again...and again...everybody work. Then the scene starts up again with a roasted turkey on the screen.)
LORKUS: Mmmmm, turkey...
Along 40 Highway
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(WHEEZIS and HUFFHEAD are walking along the road.)
WHEEZIS: No way, it's my turn, hehehe (huff) hehe
HUFFHEAD: No, you're gay huhuh (whoop) huhuh.
(PENMAN walks up and pulls out two pens...)
PENMAN: Ha ha!
(PENMAN throws them and the hits them both in the head, killing them instantly.)
CAMRINI: He's alive? Bullshit!!!
(CAMRINI shoots PENMAN again...)
Near The Woods (around the same area as the Hosebag Residence)
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
BAGPERSON #1: Quick...to the bagmobile...!! (whoop)!!
BAGPERSON #2: Um, wrong (whoop)(whoop) movie (whoop)...(whoop)???(whoop)!!!
BAGPERSON #3: (whoop)(whoop)(whoop)!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: I see your point...and raise you a (whoop)
DIRECTOR: Okay, what the fuck is going on here?
BAGPERSON #1: (whoop)(whoop)(whooooop)!!!
(Scene fades to a sign reading: MISSING FRAME)
(DIRECTOR is now tied up with a gag.)
BAGPERSON #1: (whoop)(whoopedoo)!!
BAGPERSON #4 (native american): (whoopeayhah)
N#2 (walking on-screen for the first time): Um...what the hell is going on here?
BAGPERSON #1: Get the nararrator...(whoop)
N#2: I'm already here, dickweed. (BAGPEOPLE walk up to N#2 with rope) No wait!!
CAMRINI: Hey, potsy....got me a gun man.....hey, get away from my crotch...okay, I like that!!! Wait...no!!!!!!!!!
(CAMRINI & N#2 are tied up with DIRECTOR)
BAGPERSON #1: This movie is...(whoop)...ours!!!!!!!!!!!
(A guy with a box on his head walks up.)
BOXHEAD: Eekgad man...Have you gone mad????
BAGPERSON #1: Holy shit, they do exist!!!!!!
BOXHEAD: They do exist...not the bag people of oooooooorrrahhhdomeeeeee...(gulp)
BAGPERSON #1: Did you just say (gulp)? (whoop)
BOXHEAD: Ummmm, yes?
BAGPERSON #2: You are an imposter!! (whoop)!!!!!!
BOXHEAD: That's right!!! It's me...Mike Hunt!!!!!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! He's loose!!!!!
BAGPERSON #2: Wait a minute...that's Tom Hoesbag. Also known as Jim the Enforcer and Lorkus the Manifes...
MIKE HUNT: Silence!! Let the world now know that Mike Hunt is loose. He is so loose that you can...
BAGPERSON #1: Hey, stop right there, that is in direct (whoop) violation of the code of the bag people wards.
MIKE HUNT: I care not for codes...now...let me finish my big gulp....
BAGPERSON #1: I knew it...(whoop) you are not of the box types (whoop).
BAGPERSON #4: Me no like your type...(whoopeyaha)
MIKE HUNT: I will destroy you all!!! And then it's off to Bagneto...Hahahahahaha!!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: Stop laughing...
MIKE HUNT: No...hahahahaha. Okay, I'm done....
BAGPERSON #1: Thank goodness!!! Now (whoop), let's get him!!!!
(Just then a brigade of BAGPEOPLE come onto the scene headed by the big purple helmet of BAGNETO.)
BAGNETO: We must destroy the bagless ones, but first (huff) we must destroy the blasphemous Mike Hunt!!!! (whoop)
(Big fight starts out. Show scenes of war, anarchy, pestilence, fang...sorry. There are also scenes of World Trade Center being attacked - all this with clown music in the background. Just then, the DWARF that TOM & FRAN met earlier along the highway shows up.)
DWARF: Snickity snickt!! (The DWARF pulls out a huge pitchfork and jabs BAGNETO in the head. His bag pops and guts go flying all over the place!!!!!)
BAGPERSON #1: Holy shit! That little turd will (whoop) kill us all!!!
BAGPERSON #2: By god boy (huff), you are right!!! Bagpeople (huff) unite to destroy this new threat!!!!!
DWARF: You will never destroy me!!! I am DWARFARINE!!!!!!
MIKE HUNT: You little shit!!! I will kill you myself!!!!
BAGPERSON #2: Are you (whoop) helping us???
[Without even looking at BAGPERSON #2, MIKE HUNT throws a blade that lands in BAGPERSON #2's chest and he explodes taking BAGPERSON #1 and BAGPERSON #4 with him!!!]
MIKE HUNT: Whoa, that was cool...
DWARFARINE: We will fight another day!!!!
MIKE HUNT: Damn...Cock...
(BAGPEOPLE start to go over toward MIKE HUNT.)
MIKE HUNT: Whoa there little guys...it's all in good fun....
BAGPERSON #3: What do we do (huff), who will lead us now????(whoop)
CAMRINI: I will lead you!!!! But first, you should untie us...
BAGPERSON #3: (huff) okay...
(BAGPERSON #3 unties CAMRINI, N#2, and DIRECTOR.)
CAMRINI: Dumbass!!
(CAMRINI opens fire on them and kills them all in a nice big bloody mess.)
CAMRINI (under his breath): Mother fuckers.
MIKE HUNT: What do we do now??
DIRECTOR: Um...dance??
N#2: Fuck this, I am outta here.
CAMRINI: If I see one more dance scene, I'm outta here....
DIRECTOR: Fine...um...whatever happened to Captain Retardo?? He was supposed to come back....
CAMRINI: He is gone and so is Cargoman.
DIRECTOR: Damn!!!
MIKE HUNT: What do I do?
DIRECTOR: Piss off!!!
MIKE HUNT: What??????
DIRECTOR: The movie is over...
MIKE HUNT: Not by my watch...
DIRECTOR: Yeah, I'm pretty tired and I need to take a piss.
MIKE HUNT: Hold it!!
DIRECTOR: I can't!!! I must pee!!
MIKE HUNT: You better, turd, or I'll send you off to mommy....
CAMRINI: Oh really?
(CAMRINI pulls out a gun and tries to shoot, but he is outta ammo.)
MIKE HUNT: Hahahahahaha....
CAMRINI: Whoops, wrong gun....
(CAMRINI draws another gun and shoots MIKE HUNT. It has no effect...simply because MIKE HUNT is leaving.)
DIRECTOR: Great...now what do we do?
CAMRINI: Screw you, I'm done...
(CAMRINI starts walking to the bathroom and proceeds to take a piss as credits start rolling, at the end of the credits, you hear a "HA HA" and CAMRINI falls to the ground.)
CAMRINI: Damnit!!
Williamsburg Square Apartments
Independence, Missouri
January 31th, 2002 - Afternoon
(PETE is sitting in his chair in the apartment he shares with STEEV. By the way, who in the xeroxed hell are PETE and STEEV?)
STEEV (entering the apartment): Hey dude.
PETE: Whatsup?
STEEV: You are not going to believe this. I got us an all expense paid trip to see Marduk in California! Free entrance, expenses paid, all that! And, Isolated Fields will be opening up!
PETE: Really? Thats awesome!
STEEV: Yeah, its in July.
PETE: Well I better get the time off. I'll go call Jon and tell him. By the way, what's the catch?
STEEV: We have to go in an RV.
PETE: Fair enough. We should take all the people we can.
STEEV: There is something else...
PETE: What?
STEEV: Descension will be there, too.
PETE: Shit.
STEEV: Its cool though. We get to hang with Marduk!
PETE: Fuck yeah!
STEEV: I am gonna go smoke...
PETE: Cool. Oh, where in California is the show?
STEEV: Sunnydale.
PETE: What?
THE END
CAST:
Starring:
Vincent D'Onofrio as Tom Hoesbag/Jim The Enforcer/Lorkus/Mike Hunt
Steve Zahn as Fran Paisley
DC MetalSteev Gempeler as Captain Retardo/Himself
Josh Mundy as Cargoman
"MAD"Matt Mortenson as The Director/El Lucador
Ron Livingston as Camrini
and
Sir Ian McKellan as Bagneto/Gandalf
Special Appearances by:
Peter Tagtgren as The Crazy Breakfast Guy in the Jeep
Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker
Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia
Harrison Ford as Han Solo
Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca
George Lucas as Himself
Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins
Sean Austin as Samwise Gamgee
Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn
Liv Tyler as Arwen
Hugo Weaving as Elrond
Sir Ian Holm as Bilbo Baggins
Peter Jackson as Himself
Support Cast:
Andy Hallet as Penman
Pablo Francisco as Narrator #1 (voice) & #2 (visually & voice)
Richard Gere as Narrator #1 (visually)
Robert Patrick as The Cop
Leelee Sobieski as The Girl
Jenna Elfman as Mary Jo
Pete Tucker as Himself/Darth Vader
Kurt Russell as The Professor
James Spader as The Assistant
James Gandolfini as The Bum
Lucas Haas as Person In The Woods
Marshall "Eminem" Mathers as White Rapper Kid
Eddie Griffin as Nelly G-Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game (Robber)
Dan Castellaneta as The Bystander (Pepperoni)
Tom Green as Abaschumbee Buttnugget, News Reporter
Michael Clark Duncan as Mean Looking Guy
Jennifer Garner as Musicland Cashier
Michael Flatley as The Fat Jig Dancer/Monkey Man
Billy Bob Thornton as Jim-Bob
Tonya Harding as Becky Sue Hornswoggle
David Spade as Wheezis (voice by Mike Judge)
Adam Sander as Huffhead (Voice by Mike Judge
Michael Wincott as The King
Alexis Denisof as The Squire
Vin Diesel as The Dark Figure
Phil Fondacaro as Dwarfarine/Dwarf #1
Warwick Davis as Dwarf #2
James Bakker as The Molesting Priest
Macaulay Culkin as Sexually Abused Altar Boy
Harvey Keitel as Man #1
Christopher Walken as Man #2
Scott "Big Poppa Pump" Steiner as Bagzilla
James Van Der Beek as Bagperson #1
Joshua Jackson as Bagperson #2
Katie Holmes as Bagperson #3
Branscome Richmond as Bagperson #4
Pete Tucker as Himself
Jamie Kennedy as the Cue Card Guy
Sam Neil as Man at the Mall
OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK - Featuring the music (and members) of:
Pain - Shut Your Mouth
AC/DC - Big Balls
Marduk - Panzer Division Marduk
Written by DC Metalsteev, "MAD"Matt Mortenson & Pete Tucker with additional material by C. Armstrong
(c) 2001-2003 KAM Productions - a division of DSP/CSR
DISCLAIMER: The original characters are (c) of the writers, DC Metalsteev, "MAD"Matt Mortenson and Pete Tucker. All cameos are courtesy of their own respective bad selves.
AUTHORS NOTES & OTHER INFORMATION: This story was originally written by DC Metalsteev and then added to by "MAD"Matt Mortenson and Pete Tucker. This story was originally not supposed to make any sense and be completely stupid but because of the cult following, it was then revised, added to, and has now spawned two sequels.
SUMMARY: The adventures of one annoying man, Tom Hosebag, as he goes on stupid adventures with his best friend, Fran Paisley. Later on, they interact with a strange race of beings only known as the "Bagpeople". This leads to some of the most insane stuff ever written where wackiness, darkness, and complete and total chaos reign supreme. Plot? What's that?
Hosebag Residence
Kansas City, Missouri
January 29th, 2002 - Night
(Movie opens with camera entering TOM's house eventually moving into the kitchen.)
NARRATOR #1 (N#1): Night-time...
NARRATOR #2 (N#2): Or about 12:02 in the a.m.
N#1: Even though it could possibly be later.
N#2: Or even earlier...
N#1: But who really cares?
DIRECTOR: Well, I do so that I know what time it is. I got to get up early to go to work.
N#1: Then why be in the movie?
DIRECTOR: I'm not, I helped write it. Okay, yes I am in it...oh shut up and get on with it!!
BOTH NARRATORS: Okay! Damn!
N#1: Enter TOM HOESBAG. (TOM enters the kitchen.)
TOM: Goddammit, why do I have to be here in this scene? It's too damn late, or early in the night or morning...aww fuck it.
N#1: Darkness falls on the nighttime madness.
N#2: What the fuck?! It's already dark!
EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THE PRODUCTION: Just keep going and shut up so we can see the movie.
N#2: Fuck you guys.
(Back to TOM.)
TOM: Damn straight.
N#1: While going into the kitchen, he discovers that he has a beer in the fridge.
TOM: I'm already in the kit...what kind?
N#1: Tom has found a Miller Genuwine Draft.
TOM: Good. I am a bit thirsty.
N#2: Just drink the damn beer.
TOM: Ahh. The cool refreshment of the nighttime sky and the beer in my mouth has gotten me dry and ready to eat some chicken. Is there any chicken in the house?
N#1: There is no chicken in the house.
TOM: Well, fine, I will drink the smooth leftyness of the Miller time slam.
N#1: Sure, you do that, and in the meantime here is the story. It begins...(put words here while TOM does a 15 second belch.)
N#1: Hey, do you mind? We are trying to tell them what got us to this point.
TOM: Sorry, lets just move on and let them figure it out.
N#1: Okay, fine...how about some TV?
TOM: Fine...jackass. (TOM moves to the living room, sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. Camera focuses on the TV, taking the whole screen. On TV, Star Wars is on. The scene is when Luke, Leia, Han, Chewbacca, and the droids are firing and running from storm troopers in the Death Star. Luke starts taunting them for their lack of aim. Suddenly, Luke gets zapped by a lucky shot and falls dead. Leia cries out and the rest of them charge in a grief filled suicide attack. One by one, they get picked off. The storm troopers walk up and kick them, poke them with rifles and such and them look at each other and, with laser rifles raised, let out triumphant cheers. Back to TOM.)
N#2: Uhhh...
TOM: This movie rules.
(Back to the TV, a door slides open a moment later and Darth Vader enters. He then proceeds to high five the storm troopers while doing the obligatory loud breathing. George Lucas walks in yelling "Hey, this is not how it goes." Darth Vader then unleashes his light saber and beheads George Lucas with all of the stormtroppers again cheering. Darth Vader then gives George Lucas's body the middle finger.)
DARTH VADER (mock voice but still similar): You have failed George Kenobi. Peter Jackson has usurped your throne!!
(A quick cut to images of exploding moons, planets and dead Ewoks follows, then images of the Empire throwing a party and laughing their asses off while watching Lord of the Rings. The credits begin to roll, showing it was the "Empire" version of Star Wars - complete with the rolling text like in the regular Star Wars movies.)
TOM: That was pretty cool...
N#1: Okay, that was the wrong show. (Yelling to background) Can we get the right one up please?
N#2: Actually, that was pretty funny...
N#1: Shut up!!
(TV goes fuzzy for a moment, then shows Middle Earth as if Lord Of The Rings is about to begin.)
N#1: That's better.
(Camera again focuses on the TV and we see Frodo is about to put the one ring on. This catches the notice of the Eye of Sauron, obviously. However, it soon becomes apparent that Frodo is NOT wearing the ring on his finger. As Sauron spies Frodo, you can hear him saying "I See You..." in his dark voice and then he realizes what it is he's seeing - Gay Hobbit Love. This turns into "I see you...oh my god! What are you doing? Noooo! You have defiled the ring! I no longer desire it!! My precious is lost forever!!" His eye then shrinks and dies. Thus, Middle Earth is saved by the undying love of two gay hobbits. The scene cuts to Bilbo saying "ha ha! That's my boy!". The scene then changes to Elrond completely repulsed while Gandalf takes note of it, raises an eyebrow, and then shrugging and smoking his pipe. The scene then changes again to Legolas looking longingly at Gimli and Gimli staring back at him saying "Don't even think about it!". Then the scene switches to Aragorn making out with Arwen. Aragorn says "At least it's not a total gay fest." and they proceed to have mad passionate sex. Scene goes back to TOM as he is joined by PETER JACKSON.)
PETER JACKSON (pointing off-screen): You've unleashed the fucking fury! Nobody fucks with my work! I'll be back for you!
TOM: Wow, Peter Jackson is awesome. Why'd they ruin his movie?
N#2: No kidding. (To N#1) I think he'll be looking for you soon.
N#1 (nervous): Um...nevermind, just skip forward to when Tom wakes up, jacks off, and then takes a shower.
(It's now morning.)
N#2: Well lets skip past the shower scene.
N#1: But it has some lovely acting and the spanking is magnificent, he uses two fingers.
N#2: You sick bastard, get the hell outta here!
TOM: Ahh, the joy of a shower in the morning hours, by the way, what time is it?
N#2: What we meant to say is that it is 8:09 a.m.
TOM: Better.
(While TOM starts to get ready for work, the phone rings.)
(bring bring)
N#2: What the hell kind of phone ring is that?
(TOM walks over to the phone mysteriously and answers the phone.)
TOM: Hello...?
(There is dead silence.)
VOICE: Have you got it?
TOM (looking pale): Got what?
VOICE: My coffee, you jerk. You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago.
TOM (like William Shatner): Who is this?
VOICE: Your bestest friend in the world! Some call me...Fran.
TOM: Fran, you dumb bastard, you almost made me fall of the horse and break my fucking neck.
FRAN: Why the hell do I get stuck with a lame name?
TOM: Aren't you the gay one?
FRAN: You son of a cock...
N#2: TOM looks around trying to look as though he has no idea of what FRAN has just said, and honestly, we don't really know what he just said either.
N#1: Just go with it.
N#2: I told you to get out of here you sick fuck! (Sound of a door slamming.) That's better.
TOM: Ummmm...yeah.
(All of a sudden...the door bursts open...)
MAN: Ha ha! (A MAN then throws a pen at the camera. The Camera Man, whose name is CAMRINI, dodges the pen.)
PENMAN: Son of a Bitch!
(CAMRINI pulls out a gun and shoots the PENMAN.)
CAMRINI: Fucking bastard, don't mess with the camera styling of the great Camrini!!
(Then two dwarfs walk in, pull out the body of the man while "Big Balls" by AC/DC plays in the background. As they walk out with the body, the DIRECTOR off-screen shouts "Shut the door!!" and one of the dwarves reaches back in and pulls the door shut.)
TOM (offscreen): Um, hey, isn't this movie about me? (Camera points back to TOM.) That's better. Now Fran...Fran....
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Talk into the phone!
TOM: Oh, okay. (Talking into phone) Fran...
FRAN: What the hell just happened over there?
TOM: Well, this guy walks in the door and the camera man kills him when the circus was in town.
FRAN: What?
TOM: Uh, yeah, these two tigers were getting it on. It was awesome.
DIRECTOR (off-screen): What movie are you in?!
TOM: The one with the goblins. They were stopping the aliens and stomping on cranberries.
N#2: The audience has been confused.
FRAN: They aren't the only ones. By the way, when are you going to show me?
N#2: All in due time, my gay friend.
FRAN: I am not gay.
N#2: If you were interested, Fran's last name is Paisley.
FRAN: Thanks, now I am gay.
TOM: Hey, this is my damn movie. Talk to me.
(By this time, CAMRINI has become bored and is now squashing TOM in the screen with his fingers - similar to that one guy on 'The Kids In The Hall'.)
TOM: Stop that. Stop that.
(CAMRINI flips off TOM.)
TOM: Yeah, fuck you too. Now...uh...line.
(The CUE CARD GUY runs out in front of the camera with ass crack showing.)
TOM: Those are blank.
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Turn them around, jackass!
TOM: They are still blank.
(Fade to black, but while the camera is fading to black, The DIRECTOR runs out and beats the hell out of TOM.)
Independence Center Mall
Independence, Missouri (just outside Kansas City)
January 30th, 2002 - Morning
(Two old women fighting over a pair of shoes in front of a shoe store and shouting profanities at one another while CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN watch on. The CAPTAIN RETARDO & CARGOMAN theme music begins playing - it's a cheap rip-off of the Spy Hunter video game theme. CAPTAIN RETARDO has one of CARGOMAN's shoes in his hand for some reason.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Look at that. Ridiculous.
CARGOMAN: I'm serious, give it back you ass hole, that's my shoe!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO (gives CARGOMAN his shoe back): Prick. Let's go see what else we can find here.
(Scene cuts to a man in a mask walking around the pet store. He is EL LUCADOR.)
LADY: Can I help you?
EL LUCADOR: You will help me, WHEN I ASK FOR IT BITCH!!!!
LADY: Fine, you don't have to get an attitude.
EL LUCADOR: I will get an attitude, WHEN I WANT AN ATTITUDE!!!
LADY: Sir, please lower your voice or I will have to ask you to leave.
EL LUCADOR: Are you threatening me? Huh? Are you?
LADY: No, I just...
EL LUCADOR: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH!!!
LADY: Sir, please stop yelling at me.
EL LUCADOR: I will when I get to see the puppies, BITCH!!
LADY: They are over there...
EL LUCADOR: Thank you.
(Scene cuts to CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN on an escalator, with a young white kid. The kid is dressed in the gangsta style.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: So, kid, what's your name?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Fuck off, weirdo.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Where did you learn that language?
WHITE RAPPER KID: Where do you think? Rap music, muthafucka.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Really...
(Scene cuts away to CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN leaving the escalator.)
MAN: Captain Retardo! Cargoman! We need your help, there is a kid caught in the escalator!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We know...
CARGOMAN: Yeah, we put him there!!!
MAN: What? But you guys are supposed to be good guys, right?
CARGOMAN: What, do you think we are superheroes?
MAN: Well, isn't that what you are?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell are you talking about?
MAN: You know, people who have superpowers and use them for helping people?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Oh, yeah, we are superpeople....
MAN: And?
CARGOMAN: And what?
MAN: Do you help people?
CARGOMAN: We help ourselves.
MAN: What?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: This is pointless. Okay, we do help people in need, but now we need to get to the Cookie Factory...they are selling chocolate chip cookies.
MAN: But, the kid?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: The kid can wait...these are the only chocolate chip cookies ever made!! Duh...
MAN: The kid...
CARGOMAN: Fuck the kid man, come get a cookie with us.
MAN: I..I..I...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I hate to do this, but, I think you deserve it...
MAN: Deserve what?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: My father gave it to me when I was a kid, it made me feel better, so now I will give it to you...
(CAPTAIN RETARDO pulls out a small piece of paper and gives it to the MAN. CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN both leave.)
MAN (unfolding the paper, reading): Keep this for good luck? (looks up) I could have written that!!!
Hosebag Residence
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Morning
(MARY JO enters TOM's house.)
MARY JO: Hi, um, who is in this scene with me?
N#2: Just act.
MARY JO: Lalalalalala (She begins dancing in the middle of the screen)
(After 5 minutes of nothing exciting, MARY JO gets shot by CAMRINI and in come the dwarves to do their thing again, but this time they shut the door and the crew goes bananas because someone did something right.)
TOM: Heck yeah.
N#2: You are not in this scene.
TOM: Oh. But um we uh...
N#2: Tom, we have a gun.
(CAMRINI waves it in front of the camera.)
TOM: You have a point.
CAMRINI: That's right motherfucker!!!
(Camera fades to black.)
Some Weird Laboratory
Somewhere In The Universe
Time & Date Unknown
PROFESSOR: I have found the anecdote!!!!
ASSISTANT: Thats great!! But does it work?
PROFESSOR: Only one way to find out...we need a test subject...
ASSISTANT: But who?
PROFESSOR: Hmm...lets take it to the street...there, we can find a subject worthy of the test.
ASSISTANT: Okay, lets do this.
(The PROFESSOR AND ASSISTANT walk out of the room with the green anecdote and go out onto the street where there are some homeless BUMS.)
PROFESSOR (pointing to one of them): This one will do. Now, we need to get him to taste it.
(The PROFESSOR and ASSISTANT proceed over to the a BUM and start to hassle him trying to get him to open his mouth when all of a sudden, the BUMS start to revolt attacking and driving the PROFESSOR and the ASSISTANT to the ground.)
PROFESSOR: We must not drop the anecdote!!! We must yell for help!!! HELP!!!
(By this time the ASSISTANT has been brutally egged by the BUMS.)
N#2: And how the hell did they get the eggs anyway?
ASSISTANT: Ahhh! The yoke, it is seeping into my lungs!!! I am not going to make it Professor! I think I feel the whites entering my nervous system and even my medula oblongata!!!
PROFESSOR: No, my precious Assistant!! You will not have died in vain for I will rescue you and destroy these worthless bums!!! And I will...
(The camera has now been shifted as though someone has grabbed it and pulled it away from the scene.)
TOM: Hey, where did they come from? You didn't get me leaving my house. I had problems with the neighbor's dog and he tried to kill me!!!
DIRECTOR: Damnit Tom!! We had a great scene here! Why the fuck did you do that??
TOM: Well, this movie is about me and my adventures with the bagpeople, isn't it?
** Credits start rolling, even though it is about 15 minutes into the movie **
Somewhere In The Woods
Near Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Night
PERSON: Ahh, they are going to get me!!! I cannot escape from them for they will hunt me down and destroy my family and friends and neighbors and church associates and my girlfriend and her family and her families neighbors and then they will attack their neighbors and then back to my already dead neighbors and then to their neighbors and then to...uhh...ummm...my neighbors and then they will go back home and eat a nice dinner and then back to my neighbors dogs and cats and barnyard animals and then to the zoo and then they will have...ummm...well, uh...who are they again?
(By this time one of the BAGPEOPLE are emerging from the forest.)
BAGPERSON: Please don't run. I can't get this bag off of me!!! It is cutting off the air that I need to breathe!!!
PERSON: Holy shit, he has found me, run....RUN!!!!
BAGPERSON: No, wait, I need help, I can't breathe!!!!
PERSON: AHHHHHH!!!!! (The PERSON is now running really slow and throwing his hands in the air as if he is waving to the neighbors down the street) I must find my car and get away from this horrid thing!!! (He reaches in his pocket for his keys) They are not there!!!!! My keys!!! I am going to di...oh wait, I don't drive. I DON'T DRIVE!!!!!
(PERSON still running very slow runs into TOM.)
TOM: Watch were your going you dumb fuck!!
PERSON: But the bagpeople are coming!! They are coming here!!
TOM: Who?
PERSON: The bagpeople!!!
TOM: Who the fuck are the bagpeople?
PERSON: They are the people that will kill you with those plastic bags on the heads yelling profanities and throwing stuff at you, like knives and beer bottles and even those really tasty chocolate beans!!!
TOM: They are pretty tasty.
PERSON: Yeah, you know you can pick them up at Sav-Mart down the road right? Two for a dollar.
TOM: No, actually I didn't. Do you get the free bean catcher?
PERSON: No, you can only get that through mail-order.
TOM: Really? A friend of mine went to the outlet mall and got one.
PERSON: Was it a hand-me down?
TOM: No, I'm pretty sure that is was never used. But I could be wrong.
PERSON: I'm pretty sure your wrong.
TOM: You dumb son of a bitch, I will kill you!!!!!
PERSON: But I wasn't the one that said it.
TOM: What?
PERSON: Those people behind the car said it.
(TOM looks around and notices that there are no cars.)
TOM: Which car?
PERSON: What?
TOM: You lied!!!
(TOM now takes out a gun and shoots the poor bastard, and of course of the dwarves come back, but this time, they decide to desecrate the body and start to pull flesh from the bullet wound. Then a BYSTANDER comes out, looks at them, looks around and sits down by them and then takes a piece of flesh and eats it.)
BYSTANDER: Pepperoni!!!
TOM: What the hell is he doing here?
DIRECTOR: Who?
TOM: That damn bastard!! He can't even read a cue card!!!!
DIRECTOR: Shut the fuck up and do your lines!!!
TOM: To eat or not to eat, the blood of the innocent has never tasted so good. Sort of like an almond roast basted chicken or even a turkey of some sort. Either way, it just tastes really damn good!!
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Eat the damn pizza!!
TOM: Yes, I will eat this man's pizza and then I will go home to a nice dinner with chocolate beans.
(The DIRECTOR comes out on screen.)
DIRECTOR: What the hell is wrong with you? Are you a moron? It is supposed to be scary!!
TOM: Oh, well you never told me it was a horror flick.
DIRECTOR: Imbecile!
TOM: Okay, back to my character...I will eat the blood of the holy and drink from his flesh as if he was my mother's ex-husband's child. And I will enjoy this death for I am now a fan of evil lifestyles!!! Hahahaha!!!!!!
(TOM now eats with the cue card guy and the dwarves, and the scene fades to black.)
Some English Castle
Near Sussex, England
In The Year Of Their Lord 1445 - Morning
(Lightning strikes and ignites a tree in the forest.)
KING (yelling): SQUIRE!!!!
SQUIRE (panting as if running up numerous flights of stairs): Yes, your highness, you called for me?
KING: Who let him into my quarters?
SQUIRE: I am sorry, what do you mean?
KING (frightened): The figure in black? Who let him in and where did he go?
SQUIRE: I am sorry your highness, I am not sure what you are talking about. Were you harmed?
KING: I am not sure. I do feel very strange though. It feels as if he had taken my life, but yet I still breathe. Is that possible?
SQUIRE: I am not so sure I understand the question?
KING: The figure, he came in and kneeled beside my bed as if he knew me. I turned to look at him, but he stopped me with his hand, and then he started to whisper.
--(Flashback Sequence)--
DARK FIGURE: I wouldn't yell if I were you. Why, you look as though you had seen a ghost. I have never seen a man turn so white so fast, but I will be quick with you. Your life means nothing to me and your people and your wealth means little as well, so do not attempt to buy me off with a sum of money or slaves, for they will not suffice on this deal. I am after the one they call, Kamron. I understand that you have seen him and have aided him recently. Is this true?
KING: Yes, I have seen him. He needed food for some kind of journey. Why?
DARK FIGURE: This is not for you to hear. Now, where did he go?
KING: I want to know why you're after him.
DARK FIGURE: I see, a king who is curious. The last man who was this curious ended up with his head on a stake. Now, again, where did he go?
KING: He headed toward Scotland, I believe.
DARK FIGURE: You are not lying are you? I have come across your type before, and I wasn't impressed. Now, the truth.
KING: Okay, fine, he talked about the new world a lot. Maybe he went there. I am not sure though.
DARK FIGURE: I believe you this time. Thats better. Now a little something to help you go back to sleep.
(The DARK FIGURE reaches on the KING's head and looks upward towards the sky and then grunts as if he has lost some energy and then gets up and slowly sort of vanishes into the walls.)
--(End of Flashback Sequence)--
KING: I don't even know what it was that the figure gave me, but I feel sort of lifeless. What do you think it means?
SQUIRE: Well, your highness, I have no idea. Maybe it was a dream of some sort. Let me see your head.
(The KING leans down to show the SQUIRE his head. There is a big patch of hair that is missing and a small red dot as if it where blood.)
SQUIRE: That is very strange.
KING: What is it?
SQUIRE: I am not sure. It looks as if maybe he took something from you. Blood, hair, something, I am not quite sure though, it could just be a guess.
KING: I hope you are right.
Independence Center Mall
Independence, Missouri (just outside Kansas City)
January 30th, 2002 - Morning
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN are walking into Musicland.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I need to find that one CD...
CARGOMAN: Which one?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That one...you know, with the guy and the piano...
CARGOMAN: Michael Flatley?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: YES!!!
CARGOMAN: Is it even available?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: It is Top 40, right? Then no problem....
(They walk up to the counter. A CASHIER is standing there.)
CASHIER: Umm...uhh...we don't have any candy.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What?
CASHIER: I didn't know it was that time of the year...
CARGOMAN: What are you talking about?
CASHIER: I like your pants.
CARGOMAN: Why, thank you...I mean what?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We need to find a CD.
CASHIER: Uhh...sure. Which one?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Michael Flatley.
CASHIER: Uhh...what?
CARGOMAN: Michael Flatley!!!
CASHIER: Uhh...what?
(A guy walks up to the counter. It is an obviously stereotypical black robber.)
ROBBER: Michael Flatley muthafucka!! Now break yo'self and gimme some ah dat goddamn cash!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yeah foo, we be n da cash game...
CARGOMAN: What?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Just go along with it.
ROBBER (to CAPTAIN RETARDO): Who da fuck are you?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I be here to help ya make some dough.
ROBBER: Um...sure, why not? (in a low voice)...scapegoat. (Louder.) I be Nelly G Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game, ho.
CASHIER: Would you like to become a frequent buyer today, Mr. G Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game?
NELLY: Frequent taker maybe...
CASHIER: Uhh...what?
NELLY: Just gimme da damn cash bitch.
CASHIER: Oh, okay....
CAPTAIN RETARDO (to CARGOMAN): We are gonna be rich...(yelling) RICH!!!
NELLY: What? Dis be my benjamins. You wanna die?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Sure. Sounds exciting.
CARGOMAN: No, he said die!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Oh, not today.
NELLY: Good, now get outta here!! Or I cap yo ass!!!
CARGOMAN: Cap this! (pulls out an inflatable hammer)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Uhh...
NELLY: What the fuck is that?
CARGOMAN: My gat foo....
(NELLY starts laughing and grabs at the hammer. When he touches the hammer, the hammer shoots him in the chest killing him.)
(EL LUCADOR comes running down the walkway.)
EL LUCADOR: Oh my god, you killed him!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Eh...he'll die again later.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN take the money and run off.)
Hosebag Residence
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Around Noon
(FRAN and TOM are sitting at the kitchen table.)
TOM: I remember the good ol' days, eating an occasional roast beef sandwich with grape jelly on it. Ah yes, the good ole days.
FRAN: But these are still those days. You are eating that sandwich right now!!! And why did I leave work to come here anyways?
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Just shut up and go with it.
TOM: Yes to the average person that may be true, but I am invincible and can climb the monkey bars faster than any 8 year old kid. Only because they are slow and stupid compared to me.
FRAN: Not again.
TOM: What? You think that I am not invincible?
FRAN: I didn't say that...
TOM: Then what did you say, you cock sucking hoebag...
FRAN: Hey, I am not gay.
TOM: Why not, there is nothing wrong with it.
FRAN: I know, but still.
TOM: Are you saying that you have no homosexual tendencies?
FRAN: Yes, I have no homosexual tendencies.
TOM: Okay...really?
FRAN: Enough of this, you know me.
TOM: I know...so are you gay?
FRAN: What ever happened to that guy in the woods?
TOM: Don't change the subject. I know what you are trying to do...and what guy? Are you jealous?
FRAN: The guy from the woods that bumped into you...
--(Flashback Sequence)--
(TOM running very slow and runs into the PERSON)
PERSON: Watch were your going you dumb fuck!!
TOM: But the bagpeople are coming!! They are coming here!!
PERSON: Who?
TOM: The bagpeople!!!
PERSON: Who the fuck are the bagpeople?
TOM: They are the people that will kill you with those plastic bags on the heads yelling profanities and throwing stuff at you, like knives and beer bottles and even those really tasty chocolate beans!!!
PERSON: They are pretty tasty.
--(End of Flashback Sequence)--
TOM: Yeah that guy was an asshole. I didn't mean to run into him. And he had to get an attitude.
FRAN: What? That's not how it happened...
TOM: Where the hell were you? I was running from the woods and he stepped in front of me and then called me a dumb fuck. Where is the logic in that?
FRAN (shaking head): Man, you have to question if you are really that dumb. I mean, how many people can honestly go through life being the...uh...well...I guess the moron.
TOM: Just call me Jim.
FRAN: What?
JIM: Thats right, I have now changed my name. I will now be known as Jim the Enforcer. Touch me and die, I have the power and my car can talk to me.
FRAN: Well, if you say so. (FRAN starts to look annoyed and even the cast and crew starts to look annoyed because the only one who knows what is going on here is the DIRECTOR and basically, the DIRECTOR has no knowledge of anything. FRAN looks at the camera and now nods as if we were correct, now if only the audience could hear us, they would probably agree.)
FRAN: Damn Straight.
JIM: What?
FRAN: Yes. That is correct.
JIM: Now, to find these innocent, lovely bag people. I hear they have great overnight parties.
FRAN: Uh...yeah, and you have an IQ of about 12?
JIM: Actually 13 to be exact. They say I get smarter with every toolbox that falls on my head. Last week, one fell on me and thus my intelligence has moved to 13.
FRAN: Is that a good thing?
JIM: Yes, I believe you are not a cat.
Somewhere In The Woods
Near Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Around Noon
(A large gathering of BAGPEOPLE. Two of them appear to be similar to certain cartoon characters...)
BAGPERSON #1: Hufff...huffff, we must formulate a plan (wheez) if we're going to succeed.
HUFFHEAD (Talking low to a friend): Huh-huh...he said suck seed...huh-huh (kaff-kaff).
BAGPERSON #2: Every time (deep painful breath) we try to get help from the Bagless Ones (pant-pant) they flee in terror from us and (hack) don't listen to a word we say.
BAGPERSON #1: Right. (yak) I mean, it's not our fault (snort) that we are so repulsive is it (huwah)??
BAGPERSON #2: Repulsive!!?? (ffftttt) I beg your pardon. My wife thinks I'm a stud!! (suck)(huh?)
BAGPERSON #3 (woman): Well for one (Darth Vader-esque kuhhhh-woooooh) insects make their homes in our bag-sacks, and for two, small furry woodland creatures crawl into them while we're asleep (BIG whuhah) and fill them with their vile excrements!! And just what does your wife know anyway? She sports a K-Mart bag! (huffah)
ALL BAGPEOPLE: OOOOOOhhhhh!!!! (Big collective sucking sound)
BAGPERSON #2: (woooof) Thems fightin' words!! If I weren't wearing this bag bitch, I'd (cough-wheez) kick your ass!!
BAGPERSON #3: (hwahhhh) And that's another thing...how are we NOT gonna scare the Bagless Ones (hufff) when we run around without any pants on? (panting) I'm SURE I'm not the only one who remembers the trailer park incident.
BAGPERSON #1: (bwahhh) Ahh yes...the trailer park incident.
--(Flashback Sequence)--
N#1: Many years ago...
N#2: Or was it months? Wait a minute...what the hell are you doing back? Mr. Jackson!!
(Scene changes to the Narrator's booth with two guys watching a screen which is showing the movie. PETER JACKSON walks in, dressed as Shaft - like SAMUEL L. JACKSON in the movie Shaft - and pulls out a huge shotgun.)
PETER JACKSON: I'll teach you to fuck with my movie, bitch!
N#1: Nooooooo!!!!! (Gunshot goes off and N#1 explodes. N#2 high-fives PETER JACKSON.)
N#2: Thanks a lot. So are you off to take out the voters at the Academy Awards?
PETER JACKSON: You're damn right. A Beautiful Mind? Chicago? What the hell were they thinking? I'mm gonna fuck their shit up!! (PETER JACKSON walks out to the Shaft theme.)
N#2: Thanks again. So anyways...
(Camera changes to a trailer park with BECKY SUE HORNSWOGGLE, decked out in tube top and cutoff shorts hanging laundry just outside her doublewide trailer as one of the BAGPEOPLE approaches.)
BAGPERSON: Help me, please (suck/snort).
BECKY SUE: Ahh hell. You tryin' to scare me or somethin'? Cause I'll have you know I wasn't scared when Bigfoot came and ate my pet raccoon and I wasn't scared when that flyin' saucer came down and abducted my cousin...er...brother Billy Ray.
BAGPERSON: (yakk) I mean you no harm. I simply need a favor (whoop).
BECKY SUE: (eyeing bagperson warily) What KIND of favor?
BAGPERSON: (stepping from behind old primer-colored rusted-out Ford Pinto up on cement blocks) I need you to grab my bag and pull on it.
(BECKY SUE starts screaming.)
BAGPERSON: (suck-suck) Pull on it as hard as you can!! I won't be satisfied (huff) until you've jerked it off completely!!
(At this point JIM-BOB, BECKY SUE's slightly retarded father/uncle/third cousin twice removed rounds the corner, shotgun in hand, and having heard the last part of the previous exchange takes aim at the BAGPERSON and lets him have it with both barrels. The BAGPERSON begins to move, trying to crawl away, but then...)
CAMRINI: Ohhh no you don't! (sets camera down, takes out gun and shoots the BAGPERSON.) Yeah!! Who's da man??!!
JIM-BOB: Whutta ya think yer doin?? (points shotgun at CAMRINI).
CAMRINI: Oh shit!! (Looks off-camera) Grab the fuckin' camera, man! We outta here!! (CAMRINI takes off running, with the CUE CARD guy holding the camera to sounds of shotgun blasts.)
--(End Flashback Sequence)--
BAGPERSON #1: It seems like only yesterday...
BAGPERSON #2: Uh, it WAS yesterday, dumbass.
BAGPERSON #1: But the narrator said...
N#2: Do NOT fuck with the narrator!! I will pop your stupid bag like a zit Hefty-boy!! I could...oh...sorry...just got a little carried away there. Go on...it's okay.
BAGPERSON #3: We might as well face it (hwuuk). The Bagless Ones will always fear that (slurp)(?) which they do not understand. We'll never be (hwuff) accepted by or get help from them.
BOOMING VOICE FROM OFFSCREEN (kind of a suck/snore sound, like a growl): We DON'T need their acceptance. We will become their masters (sound again) and make them bow before us. (big snort) NEVER again will the Bagless Ones spill the blood of (huahhh) our kind. They will learn to fear the (hufff) Brotherhood of the Bagpeople!!! So swear I...(camera pans around to show a BIG bag with a stupid looking helmet on it) BAGNETO!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAKHAKHAKOFFKOFFKOFF!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: Yeah! He's right! (pant) Come on guys, let's get 'em!! (wheez) (The bagpeople all look around at each other, nodding slowly, and begin to follow BAGNETO. In the background, we see two bag people talking to each other.)
WHEEZIS: Dude, (wheez) that Bagneto guy has a big purple helmet.
HUFFHEAD: Huh-huh (Huff). You said, "big purple helmet". Huh-huff.
WHEEZIS: Yeah, (wheez) he looks like a big schlong.
HUFFHEAD: So...uh...do you like big schlongs Wheezis??
WHEEZIS: (wheez) Shut up, butthole!!
Near The Junctions of I-70 and I-435
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(JIM and FRAN walking along side a highway.)
JIM: I'm not sure this is really that safe....
FRAN: No, but this is something we have to do if we are going to take on these bag people, I mean, they are not human, they scream as though they are constantly in pain, so that pretty much eliminates hurting them.
JIM: Why?
FRAN: I'm not really sure, but I don't think it will work. I mean, they have bags and we have nothing!!
JIM: That's right, we need a weapon of some sort.
(Just then a truck pulls over to the side of the road and a DWARF jumps out. It's one of the dwarves who carry out dead bodies.)
DWARF: Did I hear something about weapons?
JIM: Um...no.
DWARF: Okay, I had a few guns that I could sell, but if it wasn't you, then I will take my business elsewhere.
(The DWARF jumps back into the truck and drives off.)
FRAN: Why didn't you take the gun?
JIM: From him? Are you crazy? He probably had dwarf bullets and those things don't hurt at all.
FRAN: WHAT????
JIM: Dwarf bullets...you know...the small pellets?
FRAN: Are we talking about the same thing?
JIM: Yes.
FRAN: Cause if we...what? Did you say yes?
JIM: Yes.
FRAN: My god, have you gone mad?
JIM: I have no understanding of what you are talking about.
FRAN: How they hell would he only have dwarf bullets?
JIM: I don't know, because he is a dwarf maybe?
FRAN: You are an idiot...
(Camera zooms out and we see a COP pull up to them. The COP gets out and walks up to the two arguing dorks.)
COP: Are you guys going to move someday?
JIM: What do you mean?
COP: You are blocking the off-ramp!!!!
JIM: Okay, we'll move, but you have to help us with this problem we have...
FRAN: I don't think that is a good idea Jim.
JIM: No, its cool. We are after the bagpeople and we need some guns to go kill them. This dwarf gets out and he tries to sell us a gun, but I'm not stupid, we could have only gotten dwarf bullets. Am I right?
FRAN: Oh shit, we're fucked.
COP: The bagpeople, huh? I think I saw one down the road just a minute ago. Are they dangerous?
JIM: They almost took off my shoe...
COP: Those bastards!!!
JIM: So, can we have a gun?
COP: Yeah, I mean, fuck, take my car too. Just don't let them get me...I have some nice shoes and I don't want to lose them.
JIM: Not a problem. By the way, can I borrow your license too?
COP: Excuse me?
JIM: I don't have one yet.
COP: Um...
JIM: The shoes...
COP: Um...
FRAN: Don't listen to him.
COP: Hey, you shut the fuck up. This is a very important decision...
FRAN: Has everyone gone mad?
COP: That's it buddy.
(The COP handcuffs FRAN and throws him in the car. Then comes back to JIM.)
COP: Your friend needs an attitude adjustment.
JIM: Tell me about it.
COP: Okay, here is the deal, there are guns and ammo in the car, only use what you need, and don't lose my license either.
(COP hands over license and keys to JIM.)
N#2: What a dumbass.
JIM: Cool.
COP: Be careful...
JIM: I don't need to be, I am the enforcer!!! Hahaha!!!!
(JIM gets in the car, turns around and sees FRAN and starts to laugh.)
JIM: You look stupid back there.
FRAN: Uncuff me Jim.
JIM: Are you going to be nice?
FRAN: Why am I the only sane one here?
JIM: No uncuffy for you today.
(JIM drives off with the cop car, but starts going the wrong way. JIM turns on the radio.)
RADIO: ...with the news, I am Abaschumbee Buttnugget. Our top story...be on the lookout for Mike Hunt, the dangerous psychopath. He escaped from Fort Leavenworth prison three nights ago and is believed to be at large in the Kansas City area. He is armed and extremely dangerous.
(Just then a girl runs up beside them.)
GIRL: Holy shit, Mike Hunt is loose!!!!
JIM: Where the fuck did you come from bitch?
GIRL: What does it matter?
JIM: I need some pussy bitch and my friend back here wants to watch because he is gay...
FRAN: I am not gay.
GIRL: He says he's not gay.
JIM: His last name is Paisley.
GIRL: He is gay...so what does he know about decorating?
FRAN: Nothing.
JIM: You should see his house. He has the craziest bathroom in the world, it is decorated with flowers and candles...
N#2: We don't know how to end this scene so we have this instead.
(A man posing as one of those damn monkeys with cymbals goes across the screen.)
Along I-70
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(CAPTAIN RETARDO and CARGOMAN are walking along the highway.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: We need to go back into town and grab Ruler Boy.
CARGOMAN: But he doesn't want to help us out!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yes he does. He just needs a little guidance...
CARGOMAN: Who will teach him?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I don't know...
(Everyone starts to look puzzled.)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: But I do know this, it's time to dance...
(Both start to dance like idiots, well, because they are idiots!! The scene ends...but suddenly the scene starts up again...)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: The Captain will get his man, for I am...CAPTAIN RETARDO!!!!!!!!
(Theme music starts playing. Then...the evil dominate BAGZILLA shows up and starts to hassle the guys.)
BAGZILLA: Muhoohahahahaha*cough*cough hahahahaha
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Who the fuck are you?
BAGZILLA: Bagzilla...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Okay, what are you doing here?
BAGZILLA: Destroying the humans...muhoohahahahah*cough*cough hahahaha...why do I keep coughing?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I don't know...but you are ruining our spotlight time. The only time we are the heroes of the movie...
BAGZILLA: Well, what should I do?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Run....
BAGZILLA: What???
CARGOMAN: You heard the man, run you piece of shit or we will be on you and make you wish that we were eating at the IHOP down the road instead and then maybe you will enjoy the way we...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Um, Cargoman, thats enough. I just said run...
CARGOMAN: Can we eat?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: No. But we need to find a ride to Ruler Boy's domain....
CARGOMAN: How will we do that???
CAPTAIN RETARDO: To the road Cargoman!!!!!
(Theme music starts again.)
N#2: I'm not sure what happened to Bagzilla, but I guess we need to move and follow Captain Retardo and the other shithead.
(As they move for the road, a giant bird falls to the ground with a broken wing...)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: That bird fell... Now, when we get to the road, we need you to pull out the giant thumb.
CARGOMAN: Gotcha...
(They walk past a priest that is sexually abusing an altar boy.)
ALTAR BOY: Captain Retardo, I need your help!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: I'm hearing you talk.
(They keep walking, the priest keeps abusing.)
(All of a sudden, CARGOMAN pulls out a giant styrofoam thumb and cars start to crash into one another from laughing so hard. One jeep stops in front of them. The man driving opens the door. It's PETER TAGTRGEN of Hypocrisy.)
PETER: Hehehe, need a ride?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: How did you know?
PETER: What?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Um, chicken butt?
PETER: Get in the damn jeep!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Yes, sir...
(As they drive down the road, with the most recent Pain release playing, they come across a police car that happens to be the one that our main characters are driving, with FRAN still handcuffed in the backseat and now he is crying...really crying...like a river falling off the map.)
N#2: Who writes this crap?
DIRECTOR (off-screen): SHUT UP!!!!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Hey, I think I know those guys...
PETER: Goddammit!!! All of this talking is making me crazy!!!! (PETER whips out an AK-47 and starts shooting at the traffic behind them.)
PETER: Die Mutherfucker, Die!!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: What the hell?
PETER: Shut your mouth you mutherfucker!! Aaagghhhhhh!!!!!
("Shut Your Mouth" by Pain begins playing. Bullets are flying and people are dying and the world goes to hell because PETER went insane.)
Autumn Falls Retirement Home
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
MAN #1: This movie sucks.
MAN #2: No shit.
Along I-70, close to I-435
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Just calm down, we can throw Cargoman out the back and he can stop traffic!!!
CARGOMAN: What???? My name is Cargoman, not Speedbumpman!!!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: It's all the same, you're my sidekick. So shut-up. Now get in position...
CARGOMAN: No!!!!!!!!!!!!
PETER: I shall eat my breakfast now.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Whatcha eating? Can I buy some from you?
PETER: No, they are MY biscuits bitch!
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Aww. I'll be your friend.
PETER: No. And why the hell are you in my jeep????
CARGOMAN: You let us...
PETER: Shut your mouth bitch!!! ("Shut Your Mouth" starts playing again.) I will school your ass!!!!
(No one is paying attention to JIM and FRAN as they are now mooning our heroes.)
JIM: Yoohoo, remember us? This is still our movie...Now watch us...
CAPTAIN RETARDO (Pointing to PETER): This guy keeps talking like the Colonel. And No. I am the hero, get bent.
CARGOMAN: Me too.
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Hey, you're supposed to be on the road.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO kicks CAROGMAN out of the jeep.)
CARGOMAN: But I... owww...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Just let it go, man, tuck and roll.
(CARGOMAN goes rolling down the road and cars start crashing again...)
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Now I will eat his breakfast.
PETER: Whatcha eating?
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Donuts....
(CAPTAIN RETARDO eats a jelly donut and red jelly flys out and hits PETER.)
PETER: Mutherfucker...I'll shoot your ass...
CAPTAIN RETARDO: Like I said, tuck and roll.
(CAPTAIN RETARDO jumps out of the jeep.)
PETER: Mutherfucker!!!!!!!
N#2: By now, we are still trying to figure out who was driving when the jeep crashes into the median. The dumb bastard. But of course, when our main characters where mooning the heroes, who was driving their car? And where did that girl go?
JIM: That guy died.
FRAN: That's great, now can I get these damn cuffs off of me?
JIM: I think they make you look sexy.
FRAN: I'm not gay!!!!!
JIM: Yes you are, my homosexual friend.
FRAN: God damnit!!!!
JIM: People say that gay people make fruit pies...I say they make chicken pot pies, what do you say?
FRAN: I like chicken pot pies.
JIM: Really...
(long pause)
JIM: ...........
FRAN: Hello?
JIM: ...........
FRAN: Are you watching the road?
JIM: ...........
FRAN: HEY!!!
JIM: ...........
(JIM finally takes out his earplugs.)
JIM (singing): I'm a maniac...maniac on the road! And I'm driving like I've never driven before (stops singing)...wait, I haven't. This is my first time.
FRAN: Aw fuck...
JIM: Let's see what's on the radio...(JIM pretends to turn on the radio) (in a low voice) The bagpeople have escaped and we need help in tracking them but first, we will listen to the soothing sounds of Marduk. (screams) PANZER DIVISION MARDUK! AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
FRAN: Change the channel, please?
JIM: It was me!!!!!!
FRAN: Ummm...why the hell are we still sitting here?
JIM: I don't know how to drive...remember?
FRAN: I can drive...but I need out of these cuffs...
JIM: Okay...wait a minute...(looks at an index card that reads "Anything Fran says is a lie.") You can't drive.
FRAN: Damn that card! (looks back at JIM) Give me the card, I can keep it clean for you.
JIM: Okay...(looks at card again)...NO!!!!!!
(MAN #1 walks up to car.)
MAN #1: I told you this movie sucked.
(MAN #1 walks away.)
Along I-70
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(JIM has finally uncuffed FRAN.)
N#2: This scene starts with Jim and Fran fucking...around. Those faggots.
JIM: I think I know where this little scene is going and I don't like it but...I will continue since it is for science.
FRAN: Science?
JIM: Yeah, that guy over there is from the School of Science. (JIM points to a man in white coat and on the back it reads "Beef, It's what's for dinner." It's the PROFESSOR from earlier.)
FRAN: Ummmmm...okay.
JIM: I think they are doing research for dinner. They asked me if I knew how to get to the highway, I said, yes. Then I walked over here. I never answered a survey that quickly before.
FRAN: I think they needed help to get back to the highway...
JIM: Then why didn't he ask? He should have said "help". And then I would have laughed at him like he was a fool.
FRAN: I can't believe you. You are such a stuck up little snob!!
JIM: At least I am talking to girls and trying to have sex, Mr.-I-Like-Men-And-Want-To-Touch-Their-Penises.
FRAN: I will kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JIM: How come his sentence is longer than mine?
FRAN: What?
JIM: Chicken butt?
FRAN: What?
JIM: I already answered that one.
FRAN: Where is Tom? I want to speak to Tom.
JIM: Tom is dead. There is only...Jim? I don't like that name anymore.
FRAN: You can't just change your name in a movie. People get confused.
(The car stops in front of the Hosebag Residence and JIM and FRAN get out.)
JIM: I will now be known as...Lorkus, The Manifestical Bastard.
FRAN: That's not even human.
LORKUS: Yes, it is me Lorkus...I am invincible. With my robot armor I am unstoppable!!!
(FRAN kicks LORKUS in the nuts.)
LORKUS: Ohhhhhhh.
FRAN: I knew it!!! You ARE insane!!! I thought it was all an act!!!
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Okay, that's it. (On-screen now) You are an idiot!! Why do you think he was cast in the role?
FRAN: Who are you?
DIRECTOR: The director, jackass. And by the way...
FRAN: Yes?
DIRECTOR: You're fired!!!
FRAN: What???
DIRECTOR: Now please, collect your belongings and move on...
FRAN: What about the movie? I am a main character!!!!
DIRECTOR: No. You are expendable.
FRAN: But...
DIRECTOR: Get the fuck out!!!!
FRAN: That's not fair!!!
DIRECTOR: Uh...Camrini do your thing...
FRAN: That's okay. I will leave. (low voice) Bastard.
DIRECTOR: I heard that!!!! You better run boy!!!!!!!
(A big, fat white man then dances a jig for no reason.)
Near The Woods (basically Tom's backyard)
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(Scene starts with LORKUS catching a bag person trying to steal his lunch.)
LORKUS: Damn Bastard!!!!!!!! That's my damn lunch!!!!
BAGPERSON: But (huff) I really (deep breathe) need the food.
LORKUS: Where the hell are you going to put it?
BAGPERSON: But (whoop) I am hun(huff)gry.....
LORKUS: There's no excuse...and besides, bag people are not my friends...I will kill them...kill them all!!!!!
BAGPERSON: I will (huff) do anything to (whoop) not offend you...(whoop)
LORKUS: Really?
BAGPERSON: (huff) Really...
LORKUS: Okay...put your mouth on the curb.
BAGPERSON: Oka...what?????!!!!!!
LORKUS: You heard me...eat the curb!!!! Jackass....
BAGPERSON: You can't make me (whoop)...!!!!
LORKUS: I've got the great Camrini, and he's got a gun....
BAGPERSON (sees CAMRINI off-screen): I see your point. (whoop)!!
(BAGPERSON gets down and puts his teeth on the curb and LORKUS winds up for the stomp.)
LORKUS: Allright...now you can get up.
BAGPERSON: What (whoop)?
LORKUS: I can't kill a bag person like that. It's just too mean.
BAGPERSON: Oh thank you...(huff)(whoop)
LORKUS: Let me help you with that bag.
BAGPERSON: Thank you kind sir knight.
(LORKUS takes the bag off of his head. It's FRAN.)
LORKUS: There we go...Fran??!! Well, actually, put your mouth back on the curb! I do hate fags, especially those who were fired from the movie...
FRAN: NO!!!!!
(FRAN gets down on the curb and then the camera shows a MEAN LOOKING GUY. A caption appears on the lower screen and says "The guy who almost appeared for this scene.")
(Back to LORKUS who is about to smash a watermelon.)
LORKUS: Die undead lunch!!!!!
(Watermelon goes everywhere...)
LORKUS: I have saved the day again!!!!! No more fags!!!!! Or watermelon!!!!! You make the call, homey....
(Scene fades again...and again...and again...everybody work. Then the scene starts up again with a roasted turkey on the screen.)
LORKUS: Mmmmm, turkey...
Along 40 Highway
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
(WHEEZIS and HUFFHEAD are walking along the road.)
WHEEZIS: No way, it's my turn, hehehe (huff) hehe
HUFFHEAD: No, you're gay huhuh (whoop) huhuh.
(PENMAN walks up and pulls out two pens...)
PENMAN: Ha ha!
(PENMAN throws them and the hits them both in the head, killing them instantly.)
CAMRINI: He's alive? Bullshit!!!
(CAMRINI shoots PENMAN again...)
Near The Woods (around the same area as the Hosebag Residence)
Kansas City, Missouri
January 30th, 2002 - Afternoon
BAGPERSON #1: Quick...to the bagmobile...!! (whoop)!!
BAGPERSON #2: Um, wrong (whoop)(whoop) movie (whoop)...(whoop)???(whoop)!!!
BAGPERSON #3: (whoop)(whoop)(whoop)!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: I see your point...and raise you a (whoop)
DIRECTOR: Okay, what the fuck is going on here?
BAGPERSON #1: (whoop)(whoop)(whooooop)!!!
(Scene fades to a sign reading: MISSING FRAME)
(DIRECTOR is now tied up with a gag.)
BAGPERSON #1: (whoop)(whoopedoo)!!
BAGPERSON #4 (native american): (whoopeayhah)
N#2 (walking on-screen for the first time): Um...what the hell is going on here?
BAGPERSON #1: Get the nararrator...(whoop)
N#2: I'm already here, dickweed. (BAGPEOPLE walk up to N#2 with rope) No wait!!
CAMRINI: Hey, potsy....got me a gun man.....hey, get away from my crotch...okay, I like that!!! Wait...no!!!!!!!!!
(CAMRINI & N#2 are tied up with DIRECTOR)
BAGPERSON #1: This movie is...(whoop)...ours!!!!!!!!!!!
(A guy with a box on his head walks up.)
BOXHEAD: Eekgad man...Have you gone mad????
BAGPERSON #1: Holy shit, they do exist!!!!!!
BOXHEAD: They do exist...not the bag people of oooooooorrrahhhdomeeeeee...(gulp)
BAGPERSON #1: Did you just say (gulp)? (whoop)
BOXHEAD: Ummmm, yes?
BAGPERSON #2: You are an imposter!! (whoop)!!!!!!
BOXHEAD: That's right!!! It's me...Mike Hunt!!!!!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! He's loose!!!!!
BAGPERSON #2: Wait a minute...that's Tom Hoesbag. Also known as Jim the Enforcer and Lorkus the Manifes...
MIKE HUNT: Silence!! Let the world now know that Mike Hunt is loose. He is so loose that you can...
BAGPERSON #1: Hey, stop right there, that is in direct (whoop) violation of the code of the bag people wards.
MIKE HUNT: I care not for codes...now...let me finish my big gulp....
BAGPERSON #1: I knew it...(whoop) you are not of the box types (whoop).
BAGPERSON #4: Me no like your type...(whoopeyaha)
MIKE HUNT: I will destroy you all!!! And then it's off to Bagneto...Hahahahahaha!!!!!
BAGPERSON #1: Stop laughing...
MIKE HUNT: No...hahahahaha. Okay, I'm done....
BAGPERSON #1: Thank goodness!!! Now (whoop), let's get him!!!!
(Just then a brigade of BAGPEOPLE come onto the scene headed by the big purple helmet of BAGNETO.)
BAGNETO: We must destroy the bagless ones, but first (huff) we must destroy the blasphemous Mike Hunt!!!! (whoop)
(Big fight starts out. Show scenes of war, anarchy, pestilence, fang...sorry. There are also scenes of World Trade Center being attacked - all this with clown music in the background. Just then, the DWARF that TOM & FRAN met earlier along the highway shows up.)
DWARF: Snickity snickt!! (The DWARF pulls out a huge pitchfork and jabs BAGNETO in the head. His bag pops and guts go flying all over the place!!!!!)
BAGPERSON #1: Holy shit! That little turd will (whoop) kill us all!!!
BAGPERSON #2: By god boy (huff), you are right!!! Bagpeople (huff) unite to destroy this new threat!!!!!
DWARF: You will never destroy me!!! I am DWARFARINE!!!!!!
MIKE HUNT: You little shit!!! I will kill you myself!!!!
BAGPERSON #2: Are you (whoop) helping us???
[Without even looking at BAGPERSON #2, MIKE HUNT throws a blade that lands in BAGPERSON #2's chest and he explodes taking BAGPERSON #1 and BAGPERSON #4 with him!!!]
MIKE HUNT: Whoa, that was cool...
DWARFARINE: We will fight another day!!!!
MIKE HUNT: Damn...Cock...
(BAGPEOPLE start to go over toward MIKE HUNT.)
MIKE HUNT: Whoa there little guys...it's all in good fun....
BAGPERSON #3: What do we do (huff), who will lead us now????(whoop)
CAMRINI: I will lead you!!!! But first, you should untie us...
BAGPERSON #3: (huff) okay...
(BAGPERSON #3 unties CAMRINI, N#2, and DIRECTOR.)
CAMRINI: Dumbass!!
(CAMRINI opens fire on them and kills them all in a nice big bloody mess.)
CAMRINI (under his breath): Mother fuckers.
MIKE HUNT: What do we do now??
DIRECTOR: Um...dance??
N#2: Fuck this, I am outta here.
CAMRINI: If I see one more dance scene, I'm outta here....
DIRECTOR: Fine...um...whatever happened to Captain Retardo?? He was supposed to come back....
CAMRINI: He is gone and so is Cargoman.
DIRECTOR: Damn!!!
MIKE HUNT: What do I do?
DIRECTOR: Piss off!!!
MIKE HUNT: What??????
DIRECTOR: The movie is over...
MIKE HUNT: Not by my watch...
DIRECTOR: Yeah, I'm pretty tired and I need to take a piss.
MIKE HUNT: Hold it!!
DIRECTOR: I can't!!! I must pee!!
MIKE HUNT: You better, turd, or I'll send you off to mommy....
CAMRINI: Oh really?
(CAMRINI pulls out a gun and tries to shoot, but he is outta ammo.)
MIKE HUNT: Hahahahahaha....
CAMRINI: Whoops, wrong gun....
(CAMRINI draws another gun and shoots MIKE HUNT. It has no effect...simply because MIKE HUNT is leaving.)
DIRECTOR: Great...now what do we do?
CAMRINI: Screw you, I'm done...
(CAMRINI starts walking to the bathroom and proceeds to take a piss as credits start rolling, at the end of the credits, you hear a "HA HA" and CAMRINI falls to the ground.)
CAMRINI: Damnit!!
Williamsburg Square Apartments
Independence, Missouri
January 31th, 2002 - Afternoon
(PETE is sitting in his chair in the apartment he shares with STEEV. By the way, who in the xeroxed hell are PETE and STEEV?)
STEEV (entering the apartment): Hey dude.
PETE: Whatsup?
STEEV: You are not going to believe this. I got us an all expense paid trip to see Marduk in California! Free entrance, expenses paid, all that! And, Isolated Fields will be opening up!
PETE: Really? Thats awesome!
STEEV: Yeah, its in July.
PETE: Well I better get the time off. I'll go call Jon and tell him. By the way, what's the catch?
STEEV: We have to go in an RV.
PETE: Fair enough. We should take all the people we can.
STEEV: There is something else...
PETE: What?
STEEV: Descension will be there, too.
PETE: Shit.
STEEV: Its cool though. We get to hang with Marduk!
PETE: Fuck yeah!
STEEV: I am gonna go smoke...
PETE: Cool. Oh, where in California is the show?
STEEV: Sunnydale.
PETE: What?
THE END
CAST:
Starring:
Vincent D'Onofrio as Tom Hoesbag/Jim The Enforcer/Lorkus/Mike Hunt
Steve Zahn as Fran Paisley
DC MetalSteev Gempeler as Captain Retardo/Himself
Josh Mundy as Cargoman
"MAD"Matt Mortenson as The Director/El Lucador
Ron Livingston as Camrini
and
Sir Ian McKellan as Bagneto/Gandalf
Special Appearances by:
Peter Tagtgren as The Crazy Breakfast Guy in the Jeep
Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker
Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia
Harrison Ford as Han Solo
Peter Mayhew as Chewbacca
George Lucas as Himself
Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins
Sean Austin as Samwise Gamgee
Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn
Liv Tyler as Arwen
Hugo Weaving as Elrond
Sir Ian Holm as Bilbo Baggins
Peter Jackson as Himself
Support Cast:
Andy Hallet as Penman
Pablo Francisco as Narrator #1 (voice) & #2 (visually & voice)
Richard Gere as Narrator #1 (visually)
Robert Patrick as The Cop
Leelee Sobieski as The Girl
Jenna Elfman as Mary Jo
Pete Tucker as Himself/Darth Vader
Kurt Russell as The Professor
James Spader as The Assistant
James Gandolfini as The Bum
Lucas Haas as Person In The Woods
Marshall "Eminem" Mathers as White Rapper Kid
Eddie Griffin as Nelly G-Ice Funk Tru 2 Da Game (Robber)
Dan Castellaneta as The Bystander (Pepperoni)
Tom Green as Abaschumbee Buttnugget, News Reporter
Michael Clark Duncan as Mean Looking Guy
Jennifer Garner as Musicland Cashier
Michael Flatley as The Fat Jig Dancer/Monkey Man
Billy Bob Thornton as Jim-Bob
Tonya Harding as Becky Sue Hornswoggle
David Spade as Wheezis (voice by Mike Judge)
Adam Sander as Huffhead (Voice by Mike Judge
Michael Wincott as The King
Alexis Denisof as The Squire
Vin Diesel as The Dark Figure
Phil Fondacaro as Dwarfarine/Dwarf #1
Warwick Davis as Dwarf #2
James Bakker as The Molesting Priest
Macaulay Culkin as Sexually Abused Altar Boy
Harvey Keitel as Man #1
Christopher Walken as Man #2
Scott "Big Poppa Pump" Steiner as Bagzilla
James Van Der Beek as Bagperson #1
Joshua Jackson as Bagperson #2
Katie Holmes as Bagperson #3
Branscome Richmond as Bagperson #4
Pete Tucker as Himself
Jamie Kennedy as the Cue Card Guy
Sam Neil as Man at the Mall
OFFICIAL SOUNDTRACK - Featuring the music (and members) of:
Pain - Shut Your Mouth
AC/DC - Big Balls
Marduk - Panzer Division Marduk