Andrew continued his nightly visits for the next several nights, and while he never again saw Monica as sick as she had been the night of her last chemo treatment, he did see her often crying herself to sleep, begging for God to help her. He also knew that Monica was going to Tess with her fears, which made the young angel of death even more confused as to why his best friend wasn't voicing her concerns to him. He had never witnessed one of these soul-bearings between his friends, but he had often come into Monica's room in the mornings to see Tess sitting on the young angel's bed, holding her while she slept, and singing softly to her.
Andrew kept trying to get Monica to confide in him, as she had always done before, but the younger angel steadfastly refused to tell him anything, withdrawing further and further from him every day. Not only did Monica's strange behavior confuse him, but God forgive him, it was starting to make him a little bit angry. Not angry at Monica exactly, but angry at the whole situation and the fact that he felt so helpless.
***
I found more hair on my pillow today. A clump came out in my hand while I was in the shower, too. I've never thought of myself as vain before, but I can't help wondering how many days are left before I go bald. Kayla has lost some hair, too. She's going to have her friend cut it short, so it'll look fuller longer. Maybe I'll get mine cut, too…
I think Kayla is going to be sent home soon. The oncologist was in here this morning, and he said that Kayla's white blood count is decreasing, and she's getting closer to remission. There's one thing I don't understand though. Once Kayla's better, what is the point in my still being here?
I think Andrew is starting to think I'm hiding things from him. He's probably hurt that I haven't gone to him with this, but I just can't. I rely on him so much, and I know that when I hurt, so does he. If I can deal with this on my own, without him knowing what I'm going through, maybe I can spare him a little hurt.
Monica closed her journal and tied it shut with the ribbon, before placing it back on her bedside table. She slid off the bed, and walked over to the mirror on the wall. When had her face changed so much? It was thinner, and colorless, with dark circles underneath hollow eyes. Monica shuddered involuntarily. She hardly recognized herself. She pulled her long hair back, and tried to imagine what she would look like if she cut it short. A few tears slipped down her face as she let her hair down and a few more strands came out in her hand. She lowered her head and tried to stifle the sobs.
"Baby?" Tess's voice sounded behind the young angel, and her head jerked up. "Baby, what's wrong?" Tess asked, quickly crossing the room to stand by her friend.
Monica held her hand out to Tess, the auburn strands still clutched in her fingers. "It's falling out, Tess," She said, her voice breaking. She gestured to the mirror with her other hand. "I don't even recognize myself anymore, Tess." A sob escaped Monica's frail body, and she covered her mouth with her hand.
Tess held her arms out to her young friend, and Monica began to cry harder as she allowed herself to be enveloped in Tess's warm embrace – a place that always meant safety, a place where nothing could hurt her. Tess gently rubbed her young charge's back, and said softly, "Angel girl, you know that your looks aren't who you are. You're still beautiful, baby, because your beauty never came from the outside." Tess held Monica out at arms length, "You are beautiful because of your spirit, and because you belong to God. Now your human looks may have changed, but your spirit is still in there."
"But I don't even feel like myself anymore Tess. I'm so afraid, and I don't understand what's happening to me."
"I know you're confused, Monica, but you know who you need to talk to about that," Tess said gently.
"I know. But I just don't think I can yet, Tess," Monica sighed.
Tess nodded, "Well, you know where to find Him when you're ready."
"I know." Monica looked down at her feet and yawned. "I'm so tired."
"C'mon baby," Tess said, leading her to the bed. "I want you to rest, and ole Tess will come up with something about that hair of yours."
Monica nodded and weakly crawled up into the bed. "Thank you, Tess," she said softly as Tess pulled the blanket up to her shoulders, "For everything."
"Of course baby," Tess said, "That's what friends are for."
"But you're more than a friend to me," Monica said, her eyelids drooping, "You're the closest thing to a mother an angel can have. You've always been such a blessing in my existence."
"And you in mine angel baby. Now go to sleep… Tess will be right here," The older angel sat on the edge of Monica's bed, and lightly brushed her hair off her face.
Monica's eyes slipped closed and her breathing deepened slightly. Tess thought that she had fallen asleep, but then she whispered "I love you, Tess." She looked up at her friend through heavy eyes.
"I love you too, baby," Tess said. Monica grasped Tess's hand fiercely, and closed her eyes again. Tess held onto Monica's hand long after it had gone limp and heavy in hers. She hoped that her young friend's spirit would be strong enough to endure this assignment. Tess knew it would be, but she wasn't sure if Monica knew that.
***
Monica slept until early evening, and when she woke up, Tess was still sitting next to her, in a chair next to the bed. "Have you been here the whole time?" She asked.
"Not the whole time," Tess said, "I had to run a little errand." She held up a large tote bag. "I told you I'd do something about your hair, and I meant it.
Monica took the bag and reached into it. She pulled out several wigs, and spread them out on the bed. A smile graced her thin face as she looked at the five new hairdos in front of her, all different textures and shades. "Tess, this is great."
"I hoped you'd like them, baby," Tess said. "And, I was talking to your nurse, and she said that if your hair was short, it would look fuller for a longer time. How do you feel about a haircut, baby?"
Monica was silent for a moment, and then she nodded. "Let's do it."
Fifteen minutes later, Monica looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her auburn hair now fell just to her shoulders, and Tess was busy sweeping up the clippings. "I like it. What do you think?" She asked, turning to her friend.
"Very cute, Miss Wings," Tess replied. "Now, let's try one of these." She handed one of the wigs to her young friend.
Monica took the wig and pulled it over her newly short hair. It was brown and curly, and came down about to her mid-back. She turned her head, and flipped the curls over her shoulder. "I always wanted curly hair," she said.
"Well, if it's curls you want, try this one," Tess said, handing Monica a very curly blonde wig.
Monica put it on and looked in the mirror. "Nah, too Shirley Temple," She said with a giggle.
Tess nodded, "Point taken, Angel Girl."
Monica looked into the tote bag Tess had brought. "Oh, I like this one," she said. When Tess looked up at her charge, she was greeted by a sight indeed. Monica now had long, straight, pink hair.
"Oh, no. No no no. I will tolerate a lot of things, even Rafel's little peach fuzz. But, I will not have an angel with pink hair." Tess scolded good-naturedly.
"Aw come-on, Tess," Monica said between giggles, "I think it's a good look for me."
"Well, then I think your doctors need to do a brain scan, because obviously you've lost your mind." Monica dissolved into giggles, and Tess suddenly realized it was the first time she'd heard her young friend really laugh since this whole ordeal started.
Andrew was walking down the corridor toward Monica's hospital room when he heard the sound of laughter. When he reached the room, he saw a pink-haired Monica posing for Tess, who was trying her best not to laugh. "What have I missed here?" he asked.
"Well, we thought a little change was in order for our Angel Girl," Tess said. "Since the chemotherapy is probably going to make Monica's hair fall out, I figured we should do a little bit of preparation." Monica was glad that Tess didn't tell Andrew that her hair had already started falling out.
"I think that's a good idea," Andrew said, moving to hug his friend. "But, I'm not too sure about that color, Monica. It doesn't exactly exude the whole 'I'm an angel' thing." He chuckled as Monica pretended to look upset.
She pulled the wig off and showed Andrew her newly short hair. "I like it, sweetheart," he said. "It looks good on you." Monica smiled at him, and showed him the other wigs that Tess had approved of.
***
Later that evening, as Monica lay in her bed, she thought about the day's events. She felt a lot better than she had that morning, and for the first time, she thought that she might actually be getting better. She decided to write a short entry in her journal, and she continued on the same page as her previous one that morning…
Tess came by today and she really helped me feel better. I laughed for the first time today in a long time, and I hadn't even realized how long it's been. Andrew even acted more comfortable around me and less like he was walking on eggshells. I hope this lasts, but I've come to realize during all this that nothing is for sure, and nothing is sure to last.
Kayla has been out a lot today. She's been getting a lot of tests done, so the doctors can keep an eye on her status since she's so close to remission. She really liked my hair, and I think she's going to use some of the wigs that Tess brought for me. We both like the pink one. I think I'll keep it around for shock value…
The Irish angel closed her journal and put it away before lying down. As she drifted off to sleep, she silently thanked the Father for her friends, and especially for Tess.