Two days later and with heavy hearts, Andrew and Tess had their friend as
comfortable as they could possibly make her, but an even darker cloud had
appeared to settle over Monica. She slept often, though restlessly and many
nights she found herself lying wide awake in the dark, afraid to close her
eyes.
Though she understood death better than most humans, she had never experienced it before and the terrifying truth was that she could feel her human body inching closer and closer to it's door and she had no idea what would happen if an angel in human form died. Would she return to her angelic status all the wiser, or would something completely different happen? Would she forever be separated from her two best friends? The very thought of that and the almost certainty she had that her Father had indeed forgotten about her only caused her to delve deeper and deeper into a depression.
She had longed to talk to Andrew after overhearing the words he had spoken that night in the hospital, but Monica was unsure of what the use in it would be now. It seemed senseless to bridge the gap between them only to have death make that gap perhaps last forever. No, this seemed the easier road to take for both of them and maybe somehow lessen the hurt if the end was indeed going to come. But in the darkest part of the night as she lay awake, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt the comfort of his arms around her and she felt incredibly homesick for one of those moments. Tess's arms always made her feel deeply loved and she was eternally grateful for her supervisor's support over the past several weeks. A hug from Andrew though, was protection; a feeling like nothing in the world could ever harm her and she longed for it now as the world seemed to be slowly closing in on her.
***
"She's given up, Tess," Andrew ranted as he paced through the living room that afternoon.
"She needs to give this up to the Father, baby. You know that," Tess reasoned with him, but her own heart was breaking at all that was happening around them.
"Why is this happening?" He pleaded with her for answers, as he ran a hand through his blond locks," Angel's can't die, right? I've never heard of one that did, but Monica has convinced herself that she has come back to this apartment to do just that. She doesn't even have to tell me as I can see it in her eyes. I've seen it in assignments hundreds of times; that look of lost hope, of giving up. She lays in that bed all day, in the dark, not even allowing us to pull back the curtains. Just the fact that she thinks she is going to die is slowly killing her! She doesn't understand this, Tess, and neither do I!"
"I know, Angel Boy, but the Father is still in control and somewhere deep in her heart, she knows that, but she has yet to speak with Him about it. He's waiting for her to call upon Him, to hand this burden that is far too heavy for her to carry, over to Him. She won't even share it with you, baby, so how can she turn to the One who loves her more than anyone else ever could?" Tess sighed deeply, as she had tried to get Monica to see this truth, but the little Irish angel had been unresponsive.
"So we're not supposed to do anything?" Andrew cried out, his eyes filled with agony," We're just supposed to sit here and hope that she realizes that at some point before it is too late?" Seeing the haunted look in his supervisor's dark eyes, he shook his head," Well, I'm not doing that! I won't do it. I'm not going to sit here and watch her withdrawal even further away from us!" Turning on his heel, the angel headed back the hallway to Monica's room.
Knocking softly, before he opened the door, he entered and quietly closed the door behind him. At first, he thought her to be asleep, but then he noticed her big brown eyes, which now seemed to him all the more prominent on her thinning face, were looking up at him. The dulled look in them fueled his reasons for coming in here all the more as he sat down on the edge of her bed.
"Hey, Angel Girl," He said softly, laying a hand on her leg overtop the blankets,
"How about you come on out and join Tess and I for the evening? You've been locked away in here for two days."
Monica shook her head, "I don't think so Andrew," She said quietly. "I'm really tired tonight... I think I'm going to turn in early."
"Are you sure, Angel Girl?" He asked her, hoping against hope that she would open up to him, and that he wouldn't have to do this the hard way.
She nodded her head wearily as she readjusted her pillow beneath her head, "I'm sure."
He was quiet for a moment, reluctant to push her, but now also completely unwilling to allow this wall between them any longer," Why don't you just tell me what it is you are so afraid of, Monica?" Seeing her eyes widen somewhat, he continued as gently as he could," I've stood by and allowed you to shut me out of your existence for the last several weeks, but it stops now, Angel Girl, okay?"
Monica suddenly became very interested in the quilt covering her frail body. She picked at a loose thread, deliberately avoiding Andrew's eyes, and his questions," I haven't been shutting you out, Andrew. There's just nothing to say" The young angel's voice was so quiet, Andrew could barely hear her.
For Andrew, his friend's evasiveness even now was too much to bear, "Well if it wasn't shutting me out, Monica, then I'd sure like to know what it was! You never talked to me or told me what was going on with you, even when you were getting worse; Tess had to tell me because you wouldn't! You didn't tell me that the chemo made you so sick, and you sure didn't let me be there for you." Andrew paused, waiting for Monica to offer some type of explanation.
When she said nothing, he continued, "How do you think it makes me feel, watching my best friend wasting away to nothing and not being able to do a thing to help her? Huh, Monica?" He knew he was yelling, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out, "You know, this disease hasn't affected just you... it's affected all of us, and you won't even let us help you. You sit here all day, like you're waiting to die... and it's heartbreaking."
"There was nothing you could have done!" Monica cried out, sitting up in her bed and struggling to keep the tears at bay, "There was absolutely nothing you could have done and I knew that! You see this kind of thing everyday in your job, so why would you want to see it again with me? You couldn't do it for me, you couldn't protect me from it, so how is it that you thought you were going to help me? Were you going to help me throw up night after night? Were you going to help me pull out clumps of hair every single day? Were you going to take the chemo for me? How exactly could you help me?" The little Irish angel knew her words were hurtful and bitter, but she suddenly had felt trapped and if she broke down now, she didn't think there would be any end to her tears.
"Why didn't you talk to me?" Andrew implored. "We could always talk about everything we've always helped each other feel better, no matter what was going on. Why was this suddenly different?"
Monica's temper and bottled emotions were quickly getting the better of her, and she was no longer even thinking clearly enough to spare Andrew's feelings, "What was I supposed to talk to you about? What it feels like to be an angel dying of cancer? What it's like to have God forget about you? Was I supposed to tell you about the pain and the sickness that came with all of this?" Her voice was rising and the words came faster and faster, like a dam had burst, "Did you want to know all the details about what it feels like to have your assignment get better and leave the hospital while you're still sitting there; sick and forgotten like some discarded thing? Do you want to know about the fear; about how scared I was and am about experiencing death? About how scared I am that I'll never see you two again? Tell me Andrew, was I supposed to tell you all of that? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Yes!" Andrew cried out, reaching over to place his hands firmly on her frail shoulders as he met his steely green eyes with hers, "Monica, you are a part of my existence; an important part of my existence. I love you and there isn't anything that you may go through that I don't want to be a part of, if only you'll let me! Do you know what it feels like, to know you are hurting so deeply and not be able to talk to you about it because you have shut me out? Did you think for one moment that maybe I'm as terrified as you are about what is happening to you? I am, Angel Girl, but I couldn't tell you that because you kept insisting you were fine, but I knew better. I know you and I knew you were anything but fine. You mentioned all those things-being there when you were so sick and when you were losing your hair and the answer is 'yes!'! I wanted to help you with those things and I want to help you now, even if it is something as simple as just being here." Blinking back tears, his voice softened, "I love you, Angel Girl and I'm as afraid as you are but I'd rather be afraid here with you than watching you be afraid alone because you won't let me in to help you through it."
Monica's eyes filled with tears as Andrew's heartfelt words started to sink in. Deep down, she wanted more than anything to confide in her friend. When Andrew was near, it seemed like nothing, not even cancer, could hurt her. Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she replied, "Andrew, I don't want to die. I.I'm so afraid." Her voice cracked, and the walls that the Irish angel tried so hard to keep up finally came crashing down.
Reaching over and wrapping his friend up in his arms, Andrew let out a breath that he felt as if he had been holding for an eternity. Feeling her hard, violent sobs against his chest, he held her as tightly as he dared, something he had wanted to do for so very long, "Let it out, sweetie. Just cry it out and listen to me, okay?" Gently kissing the top of her head, he continued, his voice husky with emotion, "I don't want you to give up, Angel Girl, okay? I want you to fight this thing and Tess and I are beside you every step of the way, and so is God. Sweetheart, not a sparrow falls from the tree that He is not aware of, so he has not forgotten His little Irish angel either. He knows you are afraid and He needs for you to trust Him."
Monica coughed and tried to compose herself enough to reply, "My head knows those things, Andrew. But. my heart still feels like I've been forgotten. I've never felt so scared. or been in so much pain in my entire existence." Her sobs intensified again, and she clung to Andrew like a lifeline.
I know, Angel Girl," Andrew told her, "I know."
As he spoke, a golden glow started to surround him. Monica sat up and looked at her friend, already knowing what was coming. "I don't know if I'm ready to hear this right now, Andrew," she whispered. Tears still rained down her cheeks, and her breathing hitched.
Andrew shook his head, "I think you're ready, and so does the Father. Sometimes, even angels lose their way, and need to be reminded of some things," he said gently, reaching out to stroke the Irish angel's tearstained cheek, "God has not forgotten about you. He loves you so much, Monica. He's looking out for you every moment of every day. He wants you to know that He knows what you've been going through. But you have to trust Him on this one, okay? Trust in God with all your heart, and not in your own understanding. If you do that, He'll lead you down the path to come, no matter what's ahead."
The Irish angel lowered her head shamefully, even as she continued to weep brokenly, "I know I should have.talked to Him, but.I was so afraid He had left me alone with something I just don't know.how to do."
"He never leaves us alone, Monica; that's His promise to all of His children, angels included," Tenderly, he placed his hand beneath her chin to bring her head back up to meet his compassionate, loving eyes, "Fear no evil, Angel Girl, not even evil that comes in the form of a terrifying disease, for He is with you, now and always."
As the soft glow around her best friend began to fade, Monica nodded her head, a firm resolve now present in her brown eyes, "Thank you," She whispered tearfully, closing her eyes in a silent prayer of thanks for the words she had so needed to hear. Upon opening her eyes, she met those of Andrew, and she reached out for his hands, "I'm so sorry for shutting you out. I wanted you here so badly the whole time, but I guess I thought I was protecting you by not letting you see how terribly hard this has all been for me. Please forgive me for hurting one I care about so much?"
Squeezing her hands gently, Andrew smiled at her warmly, "You don't even have to ask, sweetie."
She was quiet for a moment, her teary eyes continuing to meet his as she made a decision; one she wanted to share with him, "I'm going to fight this, Andrew. You were right; I had given up." She broke eye contact with him and looked down at her lap,
"I began to feel more and more human, and now I know why they give up. It was like I could feel the life draining out of my body, and every day the cancer got stronger, my spirit got weaker, until I didn't even have the energy or the desire to fight anymore. I went into this with the knowledge that I had cancer for a reason, and that God had a plan. Somewhere along the line I lost hold on that knowledge, and then everything started falling apart. I guess."
Andrew waited for her to continue, and when she brought her dark eyes back up to meet his own, the haunted, empty look was gone from them. "I guess even angels sometimes forget that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. And I thank you so much for reminding me of that, Andrew," Monica started to cry again, but this time they were happy tears, "Thank you."
Wrapping his arms around her once more, the older angel smiled tearfully, "It was my pleasure, sweetheart."
Resting her head beneath his chin, she drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, "You'll be here to help me, won't you? Though it was my fault, I've been so lonely for you, Andrew. You've always made me feel so safe, even now, with this disease, I just feel so protected with you here and this is where I want you to stay."
"You don't have to ask twice, Angel Girl, not that you had any choice in the matter any longer. I am here for you, whatever tomorrow brings, and we'll take this, with Tess and God, one day at a time, okay?" He pulled away to look into her red-rimmed eyes, his own eyes shining with love and compassion for her.
With a weak smile, she nodded her head and drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "Okay."
Though she understood death better than most humans, she had never experienced it before and the terrifying truth was that she could feel her human body inching closer and closer to it's door and she had no idea what would happen if an angel in human form died. Would she return to her angelic status all the wiser, or would something completely different happen? Would she forever be separated from her two best friends? The very thought of that and the almost certainty she had that her Father had indeed forgotten about her only caused her to delve deeper and deeper into a depression.
She had longed to talk to Andrew after overhearing the words he had spoken that night in the hospital, but Monica was unsure of what the use in it would be now. It seemed senseless to bridge the gap between them only to have death make that gap perhaps last forever. No, this seemed the easier road to take for both of them and maybe somehow lessen the hurt if the end was indeed going to come. But in the darkest part of the night as she lay awake, she couldn't remember the last time she had felt the comfort of his arms around her and she felt incredibly homesick for one of those moments. Tess's arms always made her feel deeply loved and she was eternally grateful for her supervisor's support over the past several weeks. A hug from Andrew though, was protection; a feeling like nothing in the world could ever harm her and she longed for it now as the world seemed to be slowly closing in on her.
***
"She's given up, Tess," Andrew ranted as he paced through the living room that afternoon.
"She needs to give this up to the Father, baby. You know that," Tess reasoned with him, but her own heart was breaking at all that was happening around them.
"Why is this happening?" He pleaded with her for answers, as he ran a hand through his blond locks," Angel's can't die, right? I've never heard of one that did, but Monica has convinced herself that she has come back to this apartment to do just that. She doesn't even have to tell me as I can see it in her eyes. I've seen it in assignments hundreds of times; that look of lost hope, of giving up. She lays in that bed all day, in the dark, not even allowing us to pull back the curtains. Just the fact that she thinks she is going to die is slowly killing her! She doesn't understand this, Tess, and neither do I!"
"I know, Angel Boy, but the Father is still in control and somewhere deep in her heart, she knows that, but she has yet to speak with Him about it. He's waiting for her to call upon Him, to hand this burden that is far too heavy for her to carry, over to Him. She won't even share it with you, baby, so how can she turn to the One who loves her more than anyone else ever could?" Tess sighed deeply, as she had tried to get Monica to see this truth, but the little Irish angel had been unresponsive.
"So we're not supposed to do anything?" Andrew cried out, his eyes filled with agony," We're just supposed to sit here and hope that she realizes that at some point before it is too late?" Seeing the haunted look in his supervisor's dark eyes, he shook his head," Well, I'm not doing that! I won't do it. I'm not going to sit here and watch her withdrawal even further away from us!" Turning on his heel, the angel headed back the hallway to Monica's room.
Knocking softly, before he opened the door, he entered and quietly closed the door behind him. At first, he thought her to be asleep, but then he noticed her big brown eyes, which now seemed to him all the more prominent on her thinning face, were looking up at him. The dulled look in them fueled his reasons for coming in here all the more as he sat down on the edge of her bed.
"Hey, Angel Girl," He said softly, laying a hand on her leg overtop the blankets,
"How about you come on out and join Tess and I for the evening? You've been locked away in here for two days."
Monica shook her head, "I don't think so Andrew," She said quietly. "I'm really tired tonight... I think I'm going to turn in early."
"Are you sure, Angel Girl?" He asked her, hoping against hope that she would open up to him, and that he wouldn't have to do this the hard way.
She nodded her head wearily as she readjusted her pillow beneath her head, "I'm sure."
He was quiet for a moment, reluctant to push her, but now also completely unwilling to allow this wall between them any longer," Why don't you just tell me what it is you are so afraid of, Monica?" Seeing her eyes widen somewhat, he continued as gently as he could," I've stood by and allowed you to shut me out of your existence for the last several weeks, but it stops now, Angel Girl, okay?"
Monica suddenly became very interested in the quilt covering her frail body. She picked at a loose thread, deliberately avoiding Andrew's eyes, and his questions," I haven't been shutting you out, Andrew. There's just nothing to say" The young angel's voice was so quiet, Andrew could barely hear her.
For Andrew, his friend's evasiveness even now was too much to bear, "Well if it wasn't shutting me out, Monica, then I'd sure like to know what it was! You never talked to me or told me what was going on with you, even when you were getting worse; Tess had to tell me because you wouldn't! You didn't tell me that the chemo made you so sick, and you sure didn't let me be there for you." Andrew paused, waiting for Monica to offer some type of explanation.
When she said nothing, he continued, "How do you think it makes me feel, watching my best friend wasting away to nothing and not being able to do a thing to help her? Huh, Monica?" He knew he was yelling, but he couldn't stop the words from tumbling out, "You know, this disease hasn't affected just you... it's affected all of us, and you won't even let us help you. You sit here all day, like you're waiting to die... and it's heartbreaking."
"There was nothing you could have done!" Monica cried out, sitting up in her bed and struggling to keep the tears at bay, "There was absolutely nothing you could have done and I knew that! You see this kind of thing everyday in your job, so why would you want to see it again with me? You couldn't do it for me, you couldn't protect me from it, so how is it that you thought you were going to help me? Were you going to help me throw up night after night? Were you going to help me pull out clumps of hair every single day? Were you going to take the chemo for me? How exactly could you help me?" The little Irish angel knew her words were hurtful and bitter, but she suddenly had felt trapped and if she broke down now, she didn't think there would be any end to her tears.
"Why didn't you talk to me?" Andrew implored. "We could always talk about everything we've always helped each other feel better, no matter what was going on. Why was this suddenly different?"
Monica's temper and bottled emotions were quickly getting the better of her, and she was no longer even thinking clearly enough to spare Andrew's feelings, "What was I supposed to talk to you about? What it feels like to be an angel dying of cancer? What it's like to have God forget about you? Was I supposed to tell you about the pain and the sickness that came with all of this?" Her voice was rising and the words came faster and faster, like a dam had burst, "Did you want to know all the details about what it feels like to have your assignment get better and leave the hospital while you're still sitting there; sick and forgotten like some discarded thing? Do you want to know about the fear; about how scared I was and am about experiencing death? About how scared I am that I'll never see you two again? Tell me Andrew, was I supposed to tell you all of that? Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"Yes!" Andrew cried out, reaching over to place his hands firmly on her frail shoulders as he met his steely green eyes with hers, "Monica, you are a part of my existence; an important part of my existence. I love you and there isn't anything that you may go through that I don't want to be a part of, if only you'll let me! Do you know what it feels like, to know you are hurting so deeply and not be able to talk to you about it because you have shut me out? Did you think for one moment that maybe I'm as terrified as you are about what is happening to you? I am, Angel Girl, but I couldn't tell you that because you kept insisting you were fine, but I knew better. I know you and I knew you were anything but fine. You mentioned all those things-being there when you were so sick and when you were losing your hair and the answer is 'yes!'! I wanted to help you with those things and I want to help you now, even if it is something as simple as just being here." Blinking back tears, his voice softened, "I love you, Angel Girl and I'm as afraid as you are but I'd rather be afraid here with you than watching you be afraid alone because you won't let me in to help you through it."
Monica's eyes filled with tears as Andrew's heartfelt words started to sink in. Deep down, she wanted more than anything to confide in her friend. When Andrew was near, it seemed like nothing, not even cancer, could hurt her. Swallowing against the lump in her throat, she replied, "Andrew, I don't want to die. I.I'm so afraid." Her voice cracked, and the walls that the Irish angel tried so hard to keep up finally came crashing down.
Reaching over and wrapping his friend up in his arms, Andrew let out a breath that he felt as if he had been holding for an eternity. Feeling her hard, violent sobs against his chest, he held her as tightly as he dared, something he had wanted to do for so very long, "Let it out, sweetie. Just cry it out and listen to me, okay?" Gently kissing the top of her head, he continued, his voice husky with emotion, "I don't want you to give up, Angel Girl, okay? I want you to fight this thing and Tess and I are beside you every step of the way, and so is God. Sweetheart, not a sparrow falls from the tree that He is not aware of, so he has not forgotten His little Irish angel either. He knows you are afraid and He needs for you to trust Him."
Monica coughed and tried to compose herself enough to reply, "My head knows those things, Andrew. But. my heart still feels like I've been forgotten. I've never felt so scared. or been in so much pain in my entire existence." Her sobs intensified again, and she clung to Andrew like a lifeline.
I know, Angel Girl," Andrew told her, "I know."
As he spoke, a golden glow started to surround him. Monica sat up and looked at her friend, already knowing what was coming. "I don't know if I'm ready to hear this right now, Andrew," she whispered. Tears still rained down her cheeks, and her breathing hitched.
Andrew shook his head, "I think you're ready, and so does the Father. Sometimes, even angels lose their way, and need to be reminded of some things," he said gently, reaching out to stroke the Irish angel's tearstained cheek, "God has not forgotten about you. He loves you so much, Monica. He's looking out for you every moment of every day. He wants you to know that He knows what you've been going through. But you have to trust Him on this one, okay? Trust in God with all your heart, and not in your own understanding. If you do that, He'll lead you down the path to come, no matter what's ahead."
The Irish angel lowered her head shamefully, even as she continued to weep brokenly, "I know I should have.talked to Him, but.I was so afraid He had left me alone with something I just don't know.how to do."
"He never leaves us alone, Monica; that's His promise to all of His children, angels included," Tenderly, he placed his hand beneath her chin to bring her head back up to meet his compassionate, loving eyes, "Fear no evil, Angel Girl, not even evil that comes in the form of a terrifying disease, for He is with you, now and always."
As the soft glow around her best friend began to fade, Monica nodded her head, a firm resolve now present in her brown eyes, "Thank you," She whispered tearfully, closing her eyes in a silent prayer of thanks for the words she had so needed to hear. Upon opening her eyes, she met those of Andrew, and she reached out for his hands, "I'm so sorry for shutting you out. I wanted you here so badly the whole time, but I guess I thought I was protecting you by not letting you see how terribly hard this has all been for me. Please forgive me for hurting one I care about so much?"
Squeezing her hands gently, Andrew smiled at her warmly, "You don't even have to ask, sweetie."
She was quiet for a moment, her teary eyes continuing to meet his as she made a decision; one she wanted to share with him, "I'm going to fight this, Andrew. You were right; I had given up." She broke eye contact with him and looked down at her lap,
"I began to feel more and more human, and now I know why they give up. It was like I could feel the life draining out of my body, and every day the cancer got stronger, my spirit got weaker, until I didn't even have the energy or the desire to fight anymore. I went into this with the knowledge that I had cancer for a reason, and that God had a plan. Somewhere along the line I lost hold on that knowledge, and then everything started falling apart. I guess."
Andrew waited for her to continue, and when she brought her dark eyes back up to meet his own, the haunted, empty look was gone from them. "I guess even angels sometimes forget that He will never leave us, nor forsake us. And I thank you so much for reminding me of that, Andrew," Monica started to cry again, but this time they were happy tears, "Thank you."
Wrapping his arms around her once more, the older angel smiled tearfully, "It was my pleasure, sweetheart."
Resting her head beneath his chin, she drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, "You'll be here to help me, won't you? Though it was my fault, I've been so lonely for you, Andrew. You've always made me feel so safe, even now, with this disease, I just feel so protected with you here and this is where I want you to stay."
"You don't have to ask twice, Angel Girl, not that you had any choice in the matter any longer. I am here for you, whatever tomorrow brings, and we'll take this, with Tess and God, one day at a time, okay?" He pulled away to look into her red-rimmed eyes, his own eyes shining with love and compassion for her.
With a weak smile, she nodded her head and drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "Okay."