Andrew sat vigil next to Monica's bedside late into the night, watching his dearest friend's sleeping figure and counting the beeps of the heart monitor, which were his only comfort that the Irish angel was still fighting this most important battle. She looked so small, her normally porcelain skin colored with a grayish pallor that frightened Andrew, who had seen this before. She took shallow sips of air from beneath the oxygen mask, and her soot black eyelashes fluttered every so often, telling Andrew that she was sleeping, but not restfully. He raised a gentle hand to her forehead and stroked her thinning hair back from her face, trying to channel all the love in his being to her through his touch, and hoping to offer a small bit of comfort to this angel who had stolen his heart so many years ago.
Andrew's mind was a maelstrom of jumbled thoughts and feelings. He still could not understand why Monica had signed the DNR, or why this was all happening in the first place. He clasped his friend's small, limp hand in his own and lowered his head to place a small kiss on the back of it before laying his head next to their joined hands. "Father," he whispered, "Please take this pain from my heart. I know you have a plan, but I don't understand why all this is happening. I feel like Monica has given up the fight, and even though I know she's an angel, I feel like I'm going to lose her forever. This has never happened to another angel that I know of, and I feel as much fear as any human I've ever known. I never before understood the things that humans in my cases felt, but now I do. I didn't think angels could die, but God forgive me, it seems like that's what's going to happen to Monica. If she dies, Father, as much as I want to be the one to take her home, I just don't think I can do it. Give her the strength and peace that I know she already has…and please, help me to understand all of this, and give me the strength to face the road ahead."
Andrew finished his prayer and sat up, wiping away the tears that had trickled down his cheeks. He looked into Monica's face and noticed something that he hadn't before… peace. He had a feeling that Monica had always had that peace, but it wasn't until now that Andrew saw it. He felt a tugging on his heart and looked across the room to the small cabinet that sat against the wall. Resting on the top of it was Monica's journal. It was opened to a particular page, and glowing with the light of the Father. Andrew walked over to it and picked it up, looking at the opened page that the Father had meant for him to see. As his green eyes skimmed over Monica's delicate handwriting, he had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. It was a letter written to him…
Andrew,
I know that God will show you this page when you need to see it, so I have no worry that you won't know what I want to say to you, in the event I can't speak these words myself. First, I want you to know how much I love you, and have always loved you. You and Tess have been such a vital part of my existence, and always will be. Even though I may have hurt you at the beginning of this assignment, please know I was only trying to protect you. There were so many times when all I wanted to do was to throw myself into your arms and hear you say that everything would be alright, but you see so much sickness and death every day… I didn't want you have to see that with me. But, that night you forced me to tell you everything meant so much to me. You made me realize that not knowing everything was what would hurt you, contrary to what I thought. Since then, it has been much easier to accept this and fight it.
I know you think that I was giving up by signing the DNR. But Andrew, please know that it wasn't a sign of giving up. I simply gave myself to God, and I am allowing Him to carry my burden. It's funny, we tell people that very thing every day of our existence, yet when it comes to ourselves, it's so very hard to do. I'm still fighting this disease, Andrew, but at the same time I am at peace with it. I refused the third round of chemo because I knew that if it was in God's plan for the first two rounds not to work, then I needed to trust in His plan from now on. I still have a job to do here, and part of my job is to trust in God implicitly. You know that too, my friend, but I think you may have forgotten. No matter what happens, I have been reminded that I am an Angel of God first, and holding on to that has helped me trust in a plan that I don't understand.
No matter what happens to me, know that this is not the end. It's not the end of our friendship, nor is it the end of my love for you. I don't know what will happen to me if I am to experience human death, but I have a faith in my heart that I will see you and Tess again, because our friendship and love for one another is so strong. I think this is what humans mean when they talk about "love that can survive death". No matter what, a love like the three of us have is too strong to be broken by anything, even death. You and Tess need to hold onto that too. I'm walking through a valley right now, Andrew, but no matter how dark it is, I will fear no evil, because God and you are with me. I love you so much my friend, and it has been that love that has helped me through these last few months. I hope that love can sustain you, too.
All my love,
Monica
Andrew read and re-read the letter, drinking in each and every word that he knew had come straight from Monica's heart. The lump in his throat swelled as his heart filled with a warm peace. He finally understood why Monica had done the things she had. Looking back to his friend's still figure, he whispered three words that could barely be heard, "Thank you Monica."
****
Tess drew in a deep breath as she tried to mentally prepare to enter Monica's hospital room the following morning. It was difficult enough to see her Angel Girl as sick as she was and now, this morning, she had some not so pleasant news she needed to share with her.
Finally opening the door to the room, Tess smiled as she saw Andrew still sitting with their friend, as he had been all night. They took shifts with her, neither one of them wanting her to be alone in her fragile state. Right now, Monica was awake and she and Andrew were talking quietly, the youngest angel's voice merely a weak whisper, though peace still shone in her tired brown eyes.
"Good morning you two," Tess greeted them as she approached, laying a hand on Andrew's shoulder and reaching with her other hand for Monica's.
"Morning, Tess," The Irish angel replied softly from beneath the oxygen mask, as Andrew smiled his greeting at their supervisor.
Looking over at Andrew, Tess told him gently, "Go and get some rest, baby. I'll stay with her."
Monica considered putting up an argument but chose not to. She knew that they were here because they wanted to be though it was probably doing them more good than it was her. She accepted what was happening to her completely and she was grateful that Andrew now seemed more at peace as well and while she wanted them here, she still worried about the toll it was taking on them.
"Actually, Tess, I'm going to go and grab some breakfast and a cup of coffee and come back for a bit," Andrew explained as he stood up and stretched, "Her doctor should be in before too long and I want to hear what he has to say." Leaning down, he kissed his best friend's forehead, "I'll be back, sweetheart."
Her eyes shone with love for him as she weakly nodded her head, "Drink a cup of that coffee for me too, okay?" She asked with a wink.
Smiling down at her, Andrew chuckled softly as he quipped, "Just one?" Seeing the small smile he had hoped for, he lightly touched her cheek before he turned and headed out the door in order to give Tess some time alone with their friend.
Monica watched him depart, before looking back to Tess, her perceptive eyes taking in her friend and supervisor's tentative expression, "What do you need to tell me?"
Looking somewhat surprised, Tess took the seat Andrew had abandoned and took her young charge's hand once more, trying to figure out the best way to tell her what she needed to tell her, "Baby, I didn't just get here. I brought Kayla in this morning," She hesitated, seeing Monica's eyes upon her, "Angel Girl, her cancer is back."
If Tess had been thinking her charge would react in shock, she was sorely mistaken as new understanding filled the ailing angel's eyes, "That's why I'm still here, Tess." Monica whispered, closing her eyes briefly as she summoned up the strength to speak, as she was quickly growing weary, "Though I was hoping she would stay in remission, it all makes sense now. Thank you, Father…"
Squeezing Monica's hand, Tess blinked back tears at the young angel's ability to see things so clearly now. Despite the pain she was in and the fear that had to be there, just below the surface, she was still focusing on her assignment and clearly seeing the Father's plan. Though Tess knew the plan was there and was perfect, she only wished she could see it as clearly as Monica did.
A few moments of silence passed between the two angels before the door opened again and Andrew entered, carrying a Styrofoam cup in one hand. "I thought I'd smuggle this up for you," he said mischievously, "After all the bad coffee they've been feeding you, I figured you deserved a treat." He winked at Monica before handing her the cup, which she took with as much energy as she could muster.
Tess looked sternly at her charges, although her eyes held mirth. "You'd better drink that slowly, Angel Girl, so you don't get sick." She looked at Andrew, "And you better not let her doctors catch you sneaking caffeine up to her. You know she's not supposed to have it."
Andrew held his hands up as if to defend himself. "Hey, don't worry… its decaf." He chucked at Monica's crestfallen expression. "Sorry, Angel Girl, but I don't need a lecture from Tess and your doctors."
The door opened again, and Andrew quickly grabbed the coffee cup, hiding it under Monica's bed guiltily as he saw Dr. Vandersluis and Dr. Stanton entered the room, the latter carrying Monica's chart. Andrew knew from the looks on their faces that the news they were about to get was anything but good. Dr. Stanton stood at the foot of Monica's bed and said, "Monica, we've gotten the results of the tests that we did when you were brought into the ER, and I'm afraid the results are not good."
Andrew paled considerably at the doctor's statement, but remained composed. "What were the results?"
Dr. Vandersluis stepped up behind his colleague. "The infection overwhelmed your heart and lungs, and they are now in a state of failure. Short of a transplant, there is nothing we can do."
To anyone who didn't know Monica very well, it would have seemed that she was stunned, but relatively unfazed by the doctors' news. But, as Tess looked into her friend's eyes, she knew that wasn't the case. Fear and sadness flickered in Monica's dark brown eyes, and even though she tried to clamp down her emotions, Tess noticed shininess in her eyes that hadn't been there before.
Tess rose from her chair as Andrew moved to take Monica's hand. "Doctor, can I speak to you for a moment?"
Dr. Stanton nodded and the three of them moved to the hall. "What is it?" Dr. Stanton asked.
"How long does she have?" Tess asked, though she was already pretty sure of the answer.
Dr. Vandersluis hesitated for a moment before replying, "It's hard to say. As her lungs and heart continue to fail, without the aid of a respirator it won't take long though. Maybe a few days, a week at most."
*****
Andrew felt frozen to where he stood after Tess and the doctors left the room, hardly able to believe what he had just heard. He was certain Monica could hear his heart pounding in his chest as he finally found the courage to meet his dearest friend's eyes.
The peace that had previously been in her dark eyes was not quite as prominent now and he could clearly see an internal struggle going in within her and he understood it only too well. As an Angel of Death, he knew that there was a huge difference between expecting the worst and hearing it for yourself.
"Monica…" He uttered, reaching for her hand, but before he could say anymore, her quiet, trembling voice interrupted him.
"Andrew…I'm going to die…it's really going to happen." The words were only stated, not questioning, though holding a trace of shock.
The older angel shook his head, "We don't know that, sweetheart. Miracles happen all the time…"
"Not this time," She whispered, a tear sliding down her face. Feeling him take her hand, she held onto it as tightly as her weakened state would allow. Seeing Tess come back into the room, the little Irish angel closed her eyes and simply asked, "How long?"
"Time belongs to the Father and you know that, Monica," Tess began trying to sound stern, but her voice wavered slightly.
Monica sighed softly as she squeezed Andrew's hand for strength and rephrased the question, "How long did my doctors say, Tess? I need to know."
Tess's eyes met Andrew's briefly, silently telling him this was not good news and she would rather that their younger friend not know, but seeing the pleading look in Monica's eyes, Andrew kissed her fingers before looking up at their supervisor, "She needs to know, Tess." He stated quietly, tears shimmering in his eyes.
Tess was silent for a moment as she took a seat on the other side of the ailing angel, "At best…a week."
The words, though spoken softly, seemed to visibly rattle the young angel as if they had been screamed at her. She closed her eyes, unashamedly allowing a few more tears to trickle down her face as she tried to take as deep of breathes as possible. She released the air slowly, almost as if cherishing the fact that she still could. Her human body had first turned against her, and now it was failing her altogether and there was absolutely nothing she could do to halt or even slow the process. All of the free will in the world couldn't change this outcome and the little angel was afraid.
"Father, help me.." She whispered aloud, no sooner saying the words did His love seem to hold her tightly and for that and the presence of her two friends, she was eternally grateful. Opening her eyes, she looked over at Tess through blurred vision, feeling her supervisor taking her other hand, "Okay," She said softly, knowing she needed to soon rest, though she only wanted to cherish whatever time was left with the two angels she loved with her entire heart, "I need something from both of you…"
"You name it, baby, " The oldest angel whispered, stroking her friend's hand with her fingers as a tear escaped her eye.
"I need…I need you two to be strong for me. I'm feeling far from that right now…so would it be okay if I leaned on you two, as well as the Father, until…until…"
Andrew's hand on her cheek silenced her as he met his tear-filled eyes with hers," Angel Girl, you didn't even have to ask."
*****
Monica awoke later that afternoon and opened her eyes slowly, relieved to find herself still alive. Immediately, her dark eyes searched for Andrew and Tess and her expression became one of surprise when her eyes came to rest upon her assignment.
"Kayla…" She uttered, her voice breathy and tired, "Kayla…I'm so…sorry."
"No, Monica. Don't, please?" The young woman stated from where she sat next to her friend's bed. Reaching for the angel's hand, she continued, "Tess told me what the doctors said. Monica, I'm sorry…I don't even know what to say…"
Saying a silent prayer for strength, Monica replied, "Kayla, God has a plan for me, just like He does for you, and if this is His plan, I accept it."
"But aren't you afraid?" The human whispered, voicing her own fears.
"Of dying?" She asked as she saw her friend nod, "Yes. But only of the physical process as it is the unknown. Once I'm past that, I know where I am going."
"Heaven." Kayla stated softly.
"Yes," Monica replied, managing a weak smile, "And after all this, Kayla, I can't wait to get there."
The human was quiet for a moment before speaking once more, "And here I've been, thinking how my life is over now that the cancer has come back. You make me feel sorry for feeling that way."
"With God, Kayla, life is never over. It only changes and the next life, with Him, is so much better than you can even begin to imagine," The weary angel stopped speaking in order to catch her breath as she squeezed the human's hand, "I'm not telling you not to fight…just know that no matter what happens, if you accept God, you will be all right."
Sensing that Monica was tiring, Kayla felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes and she had a feeling that this would be her last conversation with her friend. If that was indeed the case, she had things she needed Monica to know, "Thank you. You've been a blessing to me, Monica; a blessing unlike any I've ever had before. I want you to know that I plan on having a very long conversation with God very soon," Not missing the flicker of happiness in Monica's eyes, Kayla continued, "I want what you have. This peace and this faith and this complete trust in God. I now want that for myself and I owe that to you."
Monica smiled, feeling peace once again fill her heart, "That's all I've wanted for you, my friend. Fight, Kayla, but trust… always."
"I will, " Kayla uttered through her tears as she met her eyes with those of the angel, "I will."
***
Over the next few days, Monica's doctors did all they could to keep the young angel comfortable, without violating the DNR order that she held staunchly to. Tess and Andrew stayed near their friend's hospital bed at all times, too afraid to leave for even a minute lest they not be with the Irish angel when she needed them most of all.
On the fourth day after Monica had been told that human medicine had nothing more to offer her, she felt a peace in her heart that was unlike anything she had ever felt before. This was not the peace she had held since turning her now human existence over to God – this was a peace that was to prepare her for what was about to happen. She looked over to her two dearest friends, seeing they were both deep in prayer. "Andrew…. Tess…. It's time."
The older angels exchanged looks with one another, knowing exactly what Monica meant, even though it broke their hearts. They each clasped one of the youngest angel's frail hands from their opposite sides of the bed, as silent tears began their trek down their cheeks. Monica could see Adam standing in the corner of the room, and at that moment she knew what was coming. She could feel herself growing weaker and weaker, her body inching toward what she now knew was inevitable. Even though the young angel knew that Heaven existed and that God would take care of her, she couldn't stop the fear from creeping into her heart. She looked over to Andrew, who sat next to her bed holding her hand, and softly whispered two words, "I'm scared."
Andrew could feel his eyes filling with tears as he heard Monica's admission. Although he couldn't see Adam, he still had a feeling he knew what was coming, because of the deep connection he and Monica shared. "Don't be afraid, sweetheart," he said quietly, glancing at Tess "We're right here with you." Monica nodded weakly, but her eyes still held the fear that Andrew longed to take away. He remembered the last time he had seen Monica truly happy since before this assignment, and it gave him an idea. He met Tess's eyes and the look in them told him that his friend had the same thought. "How about one last dance, sweetie?" He asked, taking Monica's hands in his own.
Monica attempted a smile, and nodded. Andrew stood up and picked Monica up into his arms with all the gentleness in his being. As he situated her in his arms, careful not to disturb any of the machines she was hooked to, Tess began to sing the song that they had written for her. Monica laid her head against Andrew's shoulder and closed her eyes as he swayed to the music, a few tears slipping down from under her lashes. Tess stood up and came over to the pair, gently kissing her Angel Girl's cheek and taking one of her delicate hands again in her own strong ones before starting the last verse of the song, the one that described so perfectly where Monica was right now.
So in the valley
walk on
Don't have to face it alone
Cause in the hard times
We keep growing strong
As we learn, as we live
That we live when we give
We'll be your
friends for a lifetime
Against the wind and the rain of every season
Won't walk away in the hard times
We will be your friends
We're saying We will be your friends
As the song went on, the beeps on Monica's heart monitor began to slow down. Silent tears rolled down Andrew's face as well as Tess's as they did their best to make the moment peaceful. Tess's rich voice finished the heartfelt song as Andrew whispered words of love to his dearest friend, and Monica weakly squeezed Tess's hand as the heart monitor beeped one more time and then the line running across the screen went flat.
THE END
Don't worry, there will be a sequel.
Authors' Notes:
Cancer is something that touches the lives of practically every human being at one time or another. Whether it is through one's own experience, or through the experiences of a family member or friend, the pain and other effects of this devastating disease are never far from our lives. Kimbre and I would like to express that our prayers are with everyone who has, or is currently battling cancer, and with their families. If you or someone you know is battling cancer, you are not alone. The American Cancer Society can offer help and support. Visit their website at www.cancer.org for more information.