Disclaimer: I don't own these spiffy things:

Lesl ('cause she owns HERSELF!)

Thayet ('cause TAMORA PIERCE, GODDESS OF FANTASY, owns her!)

This entire "The ___ Show" concept ('cause HIKANESS owns that!)

Author's Note: I went and read TPS, the spiffy LOTR fic on which this is based. I ate lots of salt. I read TPS again. Salt does to me what sugar probably does to you. As a consequence, this is m------uch more like TPS and le other hyper shows. Sorry if I slip into French; my spell check will like it and skip over. Lesl is more like the real-life Lesl now. Merci, ThePenMage, charlotte, Galadriel Greenleaf, water lily, Bobo, Karana, and QueenoftheRogue. You are UBER-SPIFFY! Yes, PenMage, you may spin off, but you must credit Hika and me, and I would be very happy if you linked to this or TPS. PL-------EASE don't review for questions; e-mail them to me at lia_s@cox.net. We have a THEME SONG now! I really do have a (music) stand, and it does frequently fall down.

The Tammy Show

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!

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Lia: Today on the Tammy show we have *melodramatic pause*

Both: THAYET!

Lia: We're going to be very, very nice to her,

Both: BECAUSE EVERYONE HERE HATES HER!

Les: Including me!

Lia: WHAT DID SHE EVER DO TO YOU?

Les: What did Faleron ever do to you?

Lia: *starts listing things, real and (mostly) imagined, that Faleron has done to her*

Les: (five minutes later) CAN WE HAVE THE GUEST, PLEASE?

Lia: *finishing* and 437th, he helped write Anne of Green Gables!

(Large and burly men drag Thayet in)

Thayet: ALANNA TOLD ME ABOUT THIS!

Les: Really? Didn't we wipe her memory?

Lia: Yes, but FALERON reversed it!

Les: *groan*

Lia: …All right. Thayet, even though you know, guess where you are.

Thayet: Umm…

Les: Humor the crazy person.

Lia: JE SUIS LE ROI!

Thayet: …A tapestry?

Lia: No, it's the TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA *chokes*

Les: A-----nyways, Karana feels the NEED to know why "you ruined that lovely, /expensive/ pink tissue dress when it would have taken you five minutes to change and you could have ridden fast enough to make up for it".

Lia: I always wondered…

Thayet: It was so that I could talk to the SPIRIT OF VANILLA-FLAVORED LOLLYPOP-LICKING GREEN FROGS!

Les: That was random.

Lia: You're one to talk.

Les: Je Suis!

Lia: How is that related to the question?

Thayet: *blinks* It answers it…

Les: Moving on… QueenoftheRogue uses lots of Internet slang to ask why your hair is black.

Lia: BLACK IS SPIFFY!

Les: Yes, I remember how black is spiffy and how when you write professionally you'll call yourself Jana Larkspur. DO NOT remind me of safety duty.

Thayet: …because it is?

Lia: She also asks why having a big nose "adds to your beauty".

Thayet: It doesn't! It means that I need something to finger. *Fingers nose*

Les: Lia! She looks like you would if you were a black-haired supermodel who had never broken her nose!

Lia: *fingers her nose*

Thayet: *STILL fingering nose* Hey! My nose fingering is TRADEMARKED!

Lia: I'm all-powerful, and JE FAIRE NE CARE!

Les: Oookay. QotR also asks why you didn't end up with Liam.

Lia: She also says that she thinks Alanna and Jonathan should be together.

(Both Ls glare at QotR; they are A/G shippers)

Thayet: EEW! LIAM! NOOOOO! WHAT?!! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

Lia: Go Thayet!

Lia: Bobo asks where you get your bows.

Thayet: I get them at Bows "R" Us, run by VERALIDAINE SARRASRI! Bows "R" Us only stocks the finest quality bows!

Les:...How much did Daine pay you to say that?

Thayet: Four crowns.

Lia: Somebody's selling out…

Les: Water lily asks … Lia, I always get the embarrassing questions. You're rigging this.

Lia: I am. You still have to ask it.

Les: Water lily asks why you're always with Buri.

Thayet: I'm always with her because she is spiffy. I'm trying to get some of the spiffiness on me.

Lia:…Water lily also asks if you have a (amorous) relationship with Buri. Bye bye PG rating…

Thayet: GREAT MOTHER, NO! I AM FIRMLY HETEROSEXUAL! GODS, I'VE GOT FIVE KIDS!

Les: In other words, yes?

Thayet: I. AM. NOT. A. LESBIAN!

Lia: Not according to La Cornielle!

Thayet: …La Cornielle?

Lia: She says you are what you just denied being.

Thayet: …

Les: Time for Ms. Embarrass number two... charlotte asks if Jon is a good kisser.

Thayet: YES! I AM HETEROSEXUAL! EXTREMELY SO!

Lia: ThePenMage gets a cameo for being 10th reviewer. PenMage?

ThePenMage: *comes running on* THAYET! HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?

Lia: PENMAGE! Here's a movable asbestos wall and an asbestos suit! THAYET PAYS FOR THEM!

PenMage: SQUEE! *runs off*

Thayet: *calculating on fingers* About two hours. Less than it takes Jon.

Les: Then you've broken one of Lia's Rules!

Thayet: Which is…

Lia: THIS one is to never go out with a guy who cares more about how he looks than you care about how you look. There are about thirty of my Rules. THEY ARE SPIFFY!

Les: Finally, PenMage also FEELS THE URGE to ask who chose Jasson's name, and why.

Thayet: Jon did. It was Jon's grandfather's name.

Lia: Do you realize you have one kid named after your relatives and three after his?

Thayet: Yes. I don't like thinking about my relatives.

Lia: Speaking of relatives and Jon, our next guest is… JONATHAN OF CONTÉ!

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Our next guest is indeed Jon. After that is Kalasin, AKA Kally. Please e-mail, not review if you have questions; don't forget to leave a non-character question review behind as well. Remember, I FEED ON REVIEWS! Every tenth gets a cameo!

--Lia