Disclaimer: I don't own these BEAUTEOUS things:

Lesl (she belongs to herself, go her!)

Jon (he belongs to Tammy, go her!)

The (whatever) show idea (it belongs to Hikaness, go her!)

Author's Note: Thank you Drowning Rooster, LadyKnight, Cami of Queenscove, Tonitrus, Dyana-of-Tortall, NutsKelwithaspoon (who didn't review, but added me to her favorites list), Chopstix*, Nile Serpent, thumpet, Kalika, and PenMage (who e-mailed with a question). PLEASE ASK QUESTIONS WITH EMAIL! I WANT TO STAY ON FF.N! Speaking of FF.N, they have become increasingly evil. This will go on SoupFiction.net as soon as they get back up and I get an account. It will stay on FF.N, though, so don't worry. It may also run from my site, which is being re-designed. On question and cameos, every tenth reviewer gets one (cameo). If you email me, than your question/s alwa-----ys get asked (until I get so many messages I get woken up by the little email ring). If you review, they might get asked (it depends on how many I get, and how good they are). Flames welcome, as are nice reviews. Now, ON TO THE SHOW!

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The Tammy Show

Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!

I have a stand! Stand! Stand!

Its name is Tim! Tim! Tim!

It likes to bite! Bite! Bite!

And fall of the rim! Rim! Rim!

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Lia: Hello and welcome to the TAMMY SHOW!

Les: Our guest today is…

Both: KING SIR JONATHAN

Lia: NOT Jonathon!

Both: OF CONTÉ!

(Random people drag Jon in)

Lia: DIE!

Les: (watching with interest) Why do you hate all the hot guys?

Lia: Because. Les, you're black belt, help me get this…knight-y person…off my leg.

Les: (detaches him)

Jonathan: Where am I?

Lia: Goddess, I love that. Les?

Les: It's the TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…

Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HIDEOUS SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA! *chokes*

Lia: Our first question comes from Cami of Queenscove! She asks first why you slept with Josaine.

Les: I wondered about that...

Jon: Because she had a CHIQUITA BANANA! CHIQUITA BANANAS UNITE!

Both:…

Les: Then she asks what the measure of line AB in triangle ABC is if the measure of angle C is 65 degrees and the measure of line BC is 13 degrees, and that you should use the tangent to find out.

Jon: I have NO idea what you're talking about.

Lia: I don't blame you. Our next question, which makes me glad this is already PG13, is whether you have ever had "erm…sexual relations with either Gary or Roger".

Les: What's with all this slash?

Lia: I really don't know.

Jon: MITHROS, NO! I AM HETEROSEXUAL! I'VE GOT FIVE KIDS!

Les: Not according to The Mouth of Sauron…

Lia: That was comedy. This happened last episode, didn't it.

Les: Yes. (she continues to watch Jon's hysterics)

Les: Jon, calm down.

Jon: Straight…straight…straight

Lia: *all-powerful voice* SNAP OUT OF IT!

Jon: Yes?

Les: Cami of Queenscove's final question is "did you have a hidden motive when you allowed Wyldon to put Kel on probation? *suggestive look* "

Jon: NO! I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO WYLDON!

Lia: *whisper* Yes, you are.

Jon: NO!

Les: Li------a…

Lia: Nile Serpent asks in a G-rated way why you let Wyldon put Kel on probation.

Jon: So I could buy four tons of candy-coated popcorn for every person in Tortall.

Lia: CANDY-COATED POPCORN! YAY!

Jon: I love candy-coated popcorn! It's the national popcorn of Tortall!

Les: CANDY-COATED POPCORN!

Les: Thumpet asks who does your hair.

Jon: Why, who but Pablo, of Pablo's House of Hair and Candy-Coated Popcorn.

Lia: *rolls eyes* Who ACTUALLY does it?

Jon: Stefan Groomsman. His stage name is Pablo for his haircut and popcorn place.

Lia: MOVING ON…thumpet also asks if you believe in corporal punishment.

Jon: Only in the form of making people eat candy-coated popcorn.

Les: THAT'S not a punishment…

Les: She asks thirdly why you are such a MCP (male chauvinist pig).

Jon: So I can be a were-pig and sneak into candy-coated popcorn warehouses.

Both:…

Lia: O--kay… thumpet's final question, repeated twice, is why you are so vain.

Jon: I'm not vain! (takes out mirror and looks at himself) Mr. Tortall, here I come…

Lia: And pigs fly in the beautiful green sky.

Jon: They do!

Les: Our next question comes from Kalika.

Lia: I need a psychologist? I think you mean psychiatrist… thank you anyway.

Les: As I was saying, Kalika asks why you are such a prig.

Jon: Because it sounds like "pig" and helps me be a were-pig!

Lia: Chopstix* was our twentieth reviewer. Chopstix*?

Chopstix*: (runs on) LI----A! LE-----S!

Les: You get…a scrunchie with a picture of ANY TORTALL OR EMELAN CHARACTER YOU WANT printed on it! Just say "candy-coated popcorn" and it will appear! (gives her scrunchie)

Chopstix*: YAY! (runs off)

Les: Our next seven questions come from ThePenMage. 1) WHY were you acting like such a jerk in TWWRLAM?

Jon: I hadn't had candy-coated popcorn in FOUR DAYS!

Both: M-hmm. SO likely.

Lia: 2) Do you still have feelings for Alanna?

Jon: No, I was only into her for the free illicit candy-coated popcorn smuggled from Trebond.

Les: 3) How many women have you had affairs with?

Jon: *on fingers* Let's see… twelve candy-coated popcorn dealers, Alanna, Delia, Josaine, Eleni,

Lia: ELENI?

Jon: Yup. On Beltane- she was a priestess, and they have to, ah, *give* themselves to one guy on Beltane- Maura

Les: MAURA?

Jon: Candy-coated popcorn from Dunlath. And Maude. Candy-coated popcorn from Pirate's Swoop. Seventeen and Thayet makes eighteen.

Lia: Whoa… 4) Since you know women can be fighters, why did you allow Kel to be on probation?

Jon: I told you… candy-coated popcorn!

Les: 5) What is the longest word you can type using only the first row of keys on a keyboard?

Jon: Typewriter.

Lia: That is, if the "first" row is the QWERTY row. 6) Why do you have four children? Do you want more?

Jon: I don't. I have five: Roald, Kalasin, Lianne, Liam, and Jasson. NO, I don't! I just implemented a new law that says all children from speaking age to eight must have their lips mage-sealed shut. I HATE LITTLE CHILDREN!

Les: Lia does too!

Lia: Yes, I do. Seal 'em!

Les: Finally, 7) Go jump in a lake!

Jon: Okay! *sprints out of shower-curtain tent and jumps in the nearest lake*

Lia: That's all for now, folks! *to Les* Let's get some candy-coated popcorn!

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Ah… I love candy-coated. Next guest is Kalasin! Get those questions in!

--Lia