Disclaimer: I own not these things:
Kalasin (for Tamora Pierce the owner of her be)
Les (for herself the owner of her be)
The ____ Show idea (for Hikaness the owner of that be)
Beauteous, UBER-SPIFFY Reviewers: Lord of the Rings luver, punkpixie87, The Shang Tigress, spiffycat, Drowning Rooster, Nile Serpent, Arctic Princess, Hayden's Super Hobbit, LadyKnight, Lady Alehanra a.k.a. Medusagrrl, Eve Eastborne, and, last but by no means least, ThePenMage! Je vous aime!
Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent…it's THE TAMMY SHOW!
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I have a stand! Stand! Stand!
His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!
He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!
And fall of the rim! Rim! Rim!
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THE TAMMY SHOW
Lia: Hello----o and welcome to The Tammy Show!
Les: Today we have a VERY SPECIAL-
Lia: *whisper* Not special like that.
Les: *glares at her* GUEST! Welcome, one and all,
Both: KALASIN OF CONTÉ!
(Random large and burly men drag Kalasin on)
Kalasin: OH, GODDESS!
Les: Hello, Spineless One. Would you like some spine?
Lia: (to camera) um…Kally is not Les' favorite.
(Les has dragged in a piece of cardboard with THE SPINE STORE- HALF PRICE FOR CONTÉS written on it)
Les: No. She is NOT.
(Les hands Kally an artificial spine)
Les: Guard this with your very life!
(Kally thinks it's a necklace and wears it as such)
Lia: Where are you?
Kalasin: …a bakery?
Les: NO, it's THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…
Ls: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HORRIBLE SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*
Lia: Anyhoo, our first question is from punkpixie87. Could you kill your dad and make it look like an accident?
Kalasin: YES… once I get my Post-It Flag Dispenser Secret Order of Fatal Combat booklet in the mail!
Lia: POST-IT?
Les: Well, they're really annoying to find lying about…
Les: The Shang Tigris, but I think she means Tigress, asks why you didn't become a lady knight, or a Rider, or a Shang.
Kalasin: So I could become a Holy Priestess of the Post-It Craft. Also, Dad wouldn't LET me, Mum screens the Riders, and Shang doesn't take nobles.
Lia: Drowning Rooster's gaggle of questions has "Do you worship Alanna like Kel does? (I.e., are you straight or not?)"
Kalasin: No, I worship Post-Its. No, I am straight.
Les: Your parents had a…thing about that.
Kalasin: *nods* Ever since Lianne, they've been a tad homophobic.
Lia: LIANNE is a lesbian?
Kalasin: M-hmm. Her and Lalasa freaked them out. So did Tian, come to think of it.
Les: Wells. Numere deux is "How long are your toenails?"
Kalasin: About four inches. You have to grow them long to put Post-Its on.
Lia: O--okay. Do you have brain damage?
Kalasin: *drooling* No.
Les: What's it like to have your lips mage-sealed shut?
Kalasin: Oh, they only get maintained until you stop signing stupid things. I got the seals off mine, what, three, four years ago.
Lia: Have you ever tried to get someone to mage-seal Jon's lips shut?
Kalasin: No. They won't seal anyone over 17. The law said that if you haven't stopped signing stupid stuff by then, you never will. After 17, if the seals are still on you get executed.
Les: How would you feel if your teddy was flushed down the toilet?
Kalasin: Is it my Post-It teddy?
Les: No.
Kalasin: I wouldn't care.
Lia: Do you write yourself all your Valentine cards?
Les: Ah, Valentines. "I CAN find a better friend than you."
Lia: She DESERVED IT!
Les: (Snigger)
Kalasin: I have NO IDEA what Valentine is. No.
Les: Hayden's Super Hobbit asks why you're Jon and Thayet's daughter.
Kalasin: You can't choose your parents.
All: Unfortunately.
Lia: Lady Alehanra a.k.a. Medusagrrl asks if "u have ne wierd habits".
Les: I think she means "you have any weird habits".
Kalasin: None, besides eating tortilla chips with marmalade.
Lia: I do that all the time!
Les: She also asks if you are obsessed or posessed by any unusual farm animals.
Kalasin: Yes. Chinchillas.
Lia: (raised eyebrows) Eve Eastborne asks if you ever like to play with fire.
Kalasin: I like to play with Post-Its that are on fire.
Les: Fiire…
Lia: Ignore Pyro Les.
Les: Eve Eastborne also wants to know if you have voices in your head.
Kalasin: No. I have flautists.
Lia: I LOVE THAT WORD! FLAUTIST!
Lia: LadyKnight asks what your opinions on sex before marriage are. No, she isn't married to Kaddar; Thayet wouldn't let her.
Kalasin: Sex with Post-Its and chinchillas before marriage is fine. People, no.
Les: ThePenMage asks…1) What kind of parents are Jon and Thayet?
Kalasin: Parents who would actually make soup out of carpet fuzz and make you bathe in it if they thought it would make you more like them.
Lia: 2) Have you ever caught your dad and Alanna in a room… erm… together?
Kalasin: No. They had a disagreement over the rather high price on the candy-coated popcorn she was selling right before I was born.
Les: 3) How many affairs have you had?
Kalasin: None. I am a pure Priestess of Post-Its.
Lia: 4) What's your worst secret? (C'mon, you can tell us)
Kalasin: When I was eight…and I found a pair of scissors…and I dyed them green…and I cut out a tiny bit of my ear.
Les: 5) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Kalasin: NONE! I WOULD COVER IT IN POST-ITS AND CHERISH IT!
Lia: My. 6) How do you feel about not being a knight?
Kalasin: I don't really care. Knights can't collect Post-Its, after all.
Les: 7) How do you feel about the probable marriage your father has for you? (Kick
Jon's butt! Kick Jon's butt!)
Kalasin: He can't marry me off, because I'm already married to a chinchilla-Post-It cross!
Lia: 8) Are you getting sick of my questions yet?
Kalasin: Yes.
Les: 9) Go review my fic, Lighting a Path.
Kalasin: Okay! (Sprints out of shower-curtain tent to fanfic-land)
Les: Finally…
Lia: *evil grin* I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, EVERYBODY'S nerves…
Les: Please no…
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O----okay. Next guest is NEAL! That's right, NEALAN OF QUEENSCOVE! EMAIL THOSE QUESTIONS!
I'm now on http://www.soupfiction.net, under the name Lia!
--Lia