Author's Note: Alas! I didn't go to NYC…because it was snowing there. Snowing really, really hard. But…I still get to go in May for my mom's college reunion. Sorry about the two-days-late update; my New Year's resolution is to update on time. Happy New Year! Oh, and I know "française" is feminine. It's one of the many inside jokes shortly to be explained.
Reviewers Get Qwarūba Slippers:
Zoë! (Just because I'm too lazy to type. ::winks::, ;), whatever)
Briar Moss!
Eve of Mirkwood! (Actually, Ms. Cleo is being sued by at least four states…)
Serpent Mage! (They just want someone to hate. Thayet and Cleon are other examples. It happens in all fangirl-infested fandoms- in LOTR it's Arwen, in ML it's Elspeth…)
Queen of Fluff! (I'm brilliant? Really?)
Bluedaizy4! (Um…did you review? My spell check likes your name, so I guess you did…)
_________! (Dude, I know)
Hayden's Super Hobbit! (I've heard of you…*om om om* you applied for an OFUM spin-off! No, I am not She Whose Bootlaces I Am Unworthy To Lick (AKA: Miss Cam) I just hang around the PPC message boards. I was foaming at the mouth over TTT. Haldir is only in Fellowship! Faramir is not Boromir!)
Starlight! (Take a look at my bio and you'll see the Episode Plan)
Qui-ti!
Not so faerie L!
Emailing People Get Qwarūba Slippers:
Queen of Fluff!
Disclaiming People Get Qwarūba Slippers:
Who, you ask, is the owner of Les? Les is.
Who you ask, is the owner of Tortall and all its inhabitants? Tammy is.
Who, you ask, is the owner of "The _____ Show"? Hikaness is.
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Voice: LIVE from a shower-curtain tent, it's THE TAMMY SHOW!
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I have a stand! Stand! Stand!
His name is Tim! Tim! Tim!
He likes to bite! Bite! Bite!
And fall off the rim! Rim! Rim!
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Lia: You see, Les, the higher percentage of the fangirl population have strong feelings about a guest, the more reviews we get. Therefore, for optimum reviews, we should feature evil guests with large fangirl contingents. Also, guests from Song of the Lioness and Protector of the Small generate more reviews than those from The Immortals. So-
Les: So we should have ::drool drool:: JOREN!
Lia: Actually, today we do have Joren. Remember? It's the Super Episode!
Les: Whatever. Our guests today are-
Both: ::deep breath:: PLEASE WELCOME KALASIN AND KING SIR DUKE JONATHAN OF CONTÉ, LADY SIR BARONESS ALANNA "THE LIONESS" COOPER OF PIRATE'S SWOOP AND OLAU, FORMERLY TREBOND AND OLAU, BORN LADY ALANNA OF TREBOND, CALLED ALAN OF TREBOND ::gasp for air:: , LADY SIR KELADRY OF MINDELAN, CALLED "PROTECTOR OF THE SMALL", BARON GEORGE COOPER OF PIRATE'S SWOOP, MASTER NUMAIR SALMALÍN, BORN ARRAM DRAPER, LORD SIR WYLDON OF CAVALL, LORD SIR RAOUL OF GOLDENLAKE AND MALORIE'S PEAK, ::gasp again:: DELIA TRAITOR, BORN LADY DELIA OF ELDORNE BUT DIS-ENNOBLED, SIR GARETH OF NAXEN, SQUIRE JOREN OF STONE MOUNTAIN, VARICE KINGSFORD, AND THE CAT OF THE THREEFOLD GODDESS IN HER INCARNATION AS THE MOTHER, CALLED "FAITHFUL".
::gasp:: RLBM!
(the RLBM drag in Kalasin, Jon, Alanna, Kel, George, Numair, Wyldon, Raoul, Delia, Joren, Varice, and Faithful, a.k.a. "the guests")
Guests: Oh…no…not the tent…
Lia: ::evil:: Yes, the tent. The shower-curtain tent.
Les: Shut up. Now, you lot, where do you think you are?
Guests: ….
Les: WELL, you're on THE TAMMY SHOW, where we kidnap random Tamora Pierce characters…
Both: AND FORCE THEM TO REVEAL THEIR MOST HORRIBLE SECRETS! MWAHAHAHA…*chokes*
Guests: ….
Lia: Stop going '….'.
Guests: ….
Les: ::roll eyes:: Alanna! Zoë asks "Do you have a purple stuffed monkey?"
Alanna: No! Of course not! ::shoves purple stuffed arm behind her::
Lia: And "Jon, do you eat mint ice cream?"
Jon: Not unless it has candy-coated popcorn in it. Yuuumm…
Les: And finally, Neal, if you're a father substitute for Raoul.
Neal: Um…no. Mithros, he's old enough to be my father!
Lia: Varice, Serpent Mage asks why everybody hates you.
Varice: You know, I really don't know. Sometimes, Thayet, Cleon, and I get together and cry about how everyone hates us. We're starting a Randomly Hated Characters League for all the book-worlds. We already have two new members- Arwen, who's from somewhere she calls "Arda", and somebody else with a really long name. We just call her Elspeth.
Les: Hayden's Super Hobbit asks George why you gave up being a thief, since you had a good thing going for you there.
George: Everyone expected me to rap. I hate rapping. So I left rather than say "Are you down with GEORGE? You aren't? Adios ear! You aren't? Adios head!" one more time.
Lia: H.S.H. also asks Wyldon where your name came from. It sounds like "wyvern" and wyverns are eeeeevil.
Wyldon: "Person Dude" in Scanran it means. Split verbs I am using.
Les: H.S.H. also asks if you are eeeeevil.
Wyldon: …maybe?
Lia: Finally, she asks Raoul what, exactly, you and Buri were doing when you and she ran out of your room in almost nothing.
Raoul: ::sarcastic:: Swimming in cheese sauce. What do you think we were doing?
Les: Personally, I don't want that mental image. Since I am not the one who declared the 18th of November to be "Silmarillion Day", dressed up as some "Vala", and abandoned Spanish for Quenya, I can't answer that. Lia?
Lia: HALDIR LIVES! SAVE FARAMIR! And I was not "some Vala". I was Nienna. Who I also was for TTT! But evil Lei would not carry a handloom to be Vairë.
Les: Back to the fandom. Starlight asks Kalasin when she discovered her love of Post-Its.
Kalasin: April 19, 437 H.E..
Lia: She asks Jon what's up with the candy-coated popcorn, and if he can send her some.
Jon: I WUV it. MINE! ALL MINE!
Les: To Kel, she ponders whether you like anyone.
Kel: No. READ my books! Read them all the way through to the very end, whether or not there's romance. I think LOUD AND CLEAR that I don't want any relationships. And, apparently, unlike Alanna, I don't. The end.
Lia: She asks Gary if he has any secret fetishes.
Gary: Oh, yes! I simply love operettas!
Les: Scary. Delia, do you like life behind bars?
Delia: Why, I adore it! Now all the mice in my cell have their own social hierarchy and names! ::darkly:: I was inspired by Mindelan, you know…
Lia; The sparrows were messed up, I agree. Now we've got Qui-ti.
Les: You don't know what you're missing. Though perhaps you wouldn't want to remember…Raoul, why didn't you just get changed?
Raoul: ::wicked grin:: Are you sure you want to know?
Lia: On second thought…no. Numair, did you and Daine ever both shape-change to hawks and mate? Did Daine get knocked up and have hawk babies? THAT'S WHERE THE SPARROWS COME FROM, ISN'T IT? ::gasps:: Why do I always have to yell?
Numair: No, no, no. I answered that the last time I was on this.
Les: Third, Qui-ti asks Neal why you took the heavy fan if you were really so weak after your Ordeal.
Neal: I was being symbolic! And melodramatic! And it was like an engagement ring! All right, aside from those, for no reason. Are you happy now? Well? ARE YOU? YOU BETTER BE!
Les: Alanna, are your eyes naturally purple?
Alanna: No, they're really red. I wear blue over them to keep from scaring people. Of COURSE they're natural! Hello? GODDESS-CHOSEN HERE?
Lia: Since Qui-ti was our hundredth reviewer-
Both: THANK YOU QUI-TI!
Lia: -she gets to ask her last question. CHLOROPHYLL!
Qui-ti: Yay! Joren, do you realize you're dead?
Joren: Like, duh! All my fangirls like, keep sobbing about it and stuff. It's totally annoying, y'know?
Qui-ti: No, I don't know! CHLOROPHYLL! ::runs away::
Les: Poor Joren…now we've got QUEEN OF FLUFF! Remember her, everyone? The author of Ask Alanna?
Alanna: Vaguely…wasn't that the one where we had to answer questions? It was like this, but without hosts…I remember you. What's your name again?
Lia: Me? Lia…
Alanna: You were calling yourself Lia of Hill Fort. And you hated Jon, I can't remember why…
Lia: That's right. People? Remember her?
Everyone except the lady knights: …meep.
Kel: Sorry. Fic overload.
Les: I see. She asks Wyldon "why are you bald?"
Wyldon: Well, I breed dogs. And…they like to sit on my head, so I let them. One of them had lice, and there aren't any healers up here…so my wife shaved my head and it never grew back.
Lia: ::flips waist-length hair:: Note to self: never get lice. Gary! When you found out about Alanna's femaleness, were you attracted to her?
Gary: Um…no. It explained some things, though…like "his" recurring fondness for bread dough…
Alanna: ::whacks him:: Quiet.
Lia: Reminds me of that day you mixed FOUR cups of sugar in a pitcher of orange juice and drank it…then you made me give you a FOOT MASSAGE…
Les: ::whacks her:: Quiet. She says "I love you. Marry me. I truly LOOOOVE you!"
Jon: ….no thanks, fangirl #374…
Les: Joren said that too… ::drool::
Lia: Better luck next time. Number four: George, go eat a handful of pins.
George: ::eats handful of pins made out of candy canes::
Les: Alanna, what's your favorite flavor of bubble gum?
Alanna: Raspberry Mint. You take some blue raspberry and some mint and you squash them together.
Lia: I've got to try that sometime…Faithful, we have Mr. Schnookums. If you ever want to see him again, bring 10000 Gold Nobles to the Dancing Dove tonight, along with 3 gallons of lemon flavored vodka. Oh yeah, and a Camaro.
Faithful: NOT MR. SCHNOOKUMS! You lot, come with me! We're goin' FUNDRAISING! ::slinks out::
Guests: ::follow him::
Les: Finally, peace. We have nice, calm mages for the next ten episodes.
Lia: According to my calculations, our reviews will greatly suffer. The Emelan fangirl contingent is much less varied.
Les: I don't care.
Lia: You have to care, for you're the host! The host has to care, so you have to care-
Les: ::gags her:: To Emelan we go!
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Episode started: 1/1/03. Episode finished: 1/4/03. For the next ten episodes, we'll have Emelan guests. Next is DAJA, because she's my favorite. This was really short (only four pages) so REVIEW and E-MAIL for longer episodes. Give me those Daja questions!