Duh.
::after two hours::
Lilly: Hey, Lara, did you notice the ingredients in this Pepsi? Here's a new one. ::points::
Lara: Hey, isn't that a hallucinogen?
Lilly: ….oh….that would explain a lot….. ::sigh:: the plot's ours. That's it.
Lara: *whimper* I can't believe Ewan isn't ours…
Pass the paint thinner: the anti-"Painting you gold"
Chapter Three: There comes that time when you reach a certain age…
Midlife crisis—(n.) the sense of uncertainty about one's appearance, identity, values, relationships, etc. that some people experience in middle life.
Bradley Crawford sat on the kitchen table top in a very uncharacteristic manner.
The day's newspaper lay discarded next to his cold cup of untouched coffee. He sat with his glasses in his hand, and, had anyone been there, they would have appreciated the rare but beautiful spaced out look found in pools of midnight blue.
Schuldich would have laughed.
For days.
As it was, Crawford had not really moved from this position all day. He had been sitting there for hours contemplating on the importance of this morning's events.
"Fat-ass…" "You'll get fatter…" And then those disgusting three figures on the scale…
What had it all meant?
Just then the front door opened. Crawford paid little attention; he thought it was probably Farfello coming home. But – again - his clairvoyance dictated something completely different.
Nagi's crystal voice confirmed it as it carried from the front door to the kitchen.
"But it was so cool!" the Japanese boy said.
"It wasn't the best work I've seen," Schuldich's accent broke through in response.
"Come on, Schu, it's Star Wars!!!" Nagi maintained.
"Whatever," the German answered, "I can't believe we spent perfectly good money on something that crappy."
"Why did you go then?"
"…I only went for the eye candy."
"Schu, Hayden Christiansen is not that hot," Nagi answered simply.
The ensuing silence indicated the shock experienced by the other end of the conversation.
"Now, Ewan McGregor…he's hot," Nagi said after a moment.
Crawford heard Schuldich scoff. "What, him? I think he looked a little bit…chunkier than he did in Moulin Rouge. How is it that you can say he looked good in this movie? Oh, oops, I'm sorry," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "I had forgotten that you seem to like fat men."
Crawford stiffened. He didn't need to have any type of superhuman abilities to know that they were now talking about him.
"Schu," Nagi said harshly. A crimson blush covered his cheeks.
Schuldich smiled triumphantly as he felt Crawford's mind become more alert. Schuldich had sensed he was nearby when they came in.
"Well, it's true isn't it?" Schuldich continued to Nagi, now able to confirm that their beloved leader was in the next room.
Schuldich had been trying for years to figure out what exactly it was that got under Crawford's skin, something that would make him squirm. He never in his life imagined the answer had been this simple. Of course, after discovering this information, it was Schuldich'a duty to exploit it until it's breaking point. HE wanted to see the untouchable Bradley Crawford crumble. Why? Why else?
This is going to be so, so fun…
"No it's not true!" Nagi countered.
"Yes it is!" Schuldich replied.
"Is not!"
"Is so."
"Is not!""Is so!"
"Is not!"
"Is so!"
"Is not!"
"Is so!!!" Schuldich yelled and crossed his arms.
And before Nagi could respond, "You love me, I win!" Schuldich added, ending with a sniff.
Nagi scowled at him for a moment. "…FINE…But, Schu, you shouldn't pick on him. Just because he's been a little heavier lately, doesn't give you the right to—"
The sound of something breaking stopped him short.
Nagi raised an eyebrow in the direction of the kitchen. "Farfie! Stop wrecking the china!," he called into the next room.
"I have to go start my homework," Nagi continued as he made his way to his room. He turned back for a moment, "Stop bothering Brad. He's very va--…he's very sensi--…he just doesn't like it, okay?"
"Fine," Schuldich said as he dropped himself on the couch. "I thought layers of fat were supposed to make you less sensitive," he mumbled under his breath.
A copy of the TV Guide smacked the back of his head, resulting in colorful swearing to be heard throughout the house just before Nagi's door gently latched shut.
--------------
Crawford was putting the remains of his breakfast in the trash and mopping up the floor (which would have been much easier if Nagi was around) when he heard the German's accent cut through his trance.
--Why didn't you go to work today, Bradley?—
--Don't call me that.—
--Was it too hard?—
--What?—
--To work?—
--What are you babbling about…--
--I mean you would have to haul yourself all the way to the study and then that would mean you'd have to actually move all that weight around. I think you're right about not trying. I mean why bother? It would take up too much precious energy.--
Okay, that was it. No more of this crap. He was about to let Schuldich of all people stomp on what was left of his pride. Crawford growled and stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room, leveling the only implement he could count on directly at the center of Schuldich's forehead.
"I'm not in the mood for this right now," he said in a dangerously low and steady voice. "Go play games with little boys. You can screw them for all I care. But I'm warning you not to push me now or I'll blow your head off."
Schuldich snorted. "Jeez, touchy, aren't we?"
Crawford cocked his gun and then pointed it between Schuldich's legs. "When have you known me to lie to you about blowing something up?"
--YOU WOULDN'T DARE!!!!—
--One more crack from you…--
"Okay, I'm sorry, already!" Schuldich lifted his hands up in protest. "I won't say another word!" –Not right now, anyway.—
"I would like to keep my manhood, Crawford," he continued, flapping his hands helplessly and gesturing for the man to get away from him…and to take the gun away too. He was beginning to sweat at the thought of losing his most prized possession.
Crawford narrowed his eyes, but put the safety back on the gun and stuffed it back into his pants. "I agree you should keep it. It's the only part that's left of your manhood."
With that he walked away before he could catch the look of momentary shock on the German's face.
Schuldich placed a possessive hand over his crotch and glared at the American's back as he walked away.--Oh, it's on now. Them's be fightin' words.—
-------
Crawford was sure that all his relationships were falling apart. His lover thought he was unattractive, his teammates lost their respect (aka primal fear) towards him, etc. Shrugging it off and pep talking himself through the rest of the afternoon, Crawford avoided further disaster with his vanity.
But later that night, Crawford found his suspicions even more strongly confirmed. While kissing [Lara: *ahem* getting his mac on with] Nagi in bed, Nagi said he wanted to…He wanted to just…
Sleep.
"--Why?!" Crawford blurted quickly.
"It's nothing, I'm just not in the mood tonight," Nagi replied nonchalantly.
The very thought was absurd! Who could possibly resist Bradley Crawford, the epitome of all manhood???? (See how far a little pep talking can get you?) He was smoldering, every person with a working libido's dream! Why would Nagi willingly refuse?
Why, the only reason for it could be… "It's because I'm hideous now, isn't it?"
"You aren't hideous, where did you get that idea?"
"I know what you said to Schuldich! And… what… Schuldich …said to you."
"WHAT? When?… Ohmy-- That was you in the kitchen?!"
"Don't try to change the subject! Now, tell me. Do you think I'm fat?"
"…" Nagi hesitated and furrowed his brow. For some relationships, this could be a deathtrap. For this relationship… He shuddered.
"Nagi," Crawford's eyes thinned, "Tell me the truth."
"Well, um," Nagi stuttered."Well what?" Bradley demanded.
"You have been a little-" Nagi held his thumb and index finger two millimeters apart "-But just a tiny bit, heavier lately…" Nagi said in a small voice. He immediately regretted it.
The man before him was in shock. Had everyone on his team turned against him? Had he lost all respect and authority because he had become an enormous tub of lard?????
"So, it *is* because I've gotten fat!"
"Crawford, not everything's about you gaining weight! I just—" Nagi slapped a hand over his mouth. Stupid Schuldich! Why did he have to put those ideas in his head?! Ooohh, and why did Crawford have to be so sensitive?
"You really think I'm fat," Crawford huffed. "I can't believe it."
"No, I didn't meant that," Nagi stammered. "It didn't come out right—"
"It came out just fine. You don't need to explain anything else!" Crawford reached over and *click* turned the lamp off. "Good night."
…
*Click.* "Crawford—"*Click.* "Go to sleep."
*Click.* ""Crawford, I'm sor—"
*Click.* "I'm sleeping."
*Click.* ""I love y—"
*Click.* "Night."
Damn SCHUUUU! Ok, Nagi thought to himself, last resort. Sit up. Deep breath. And: *Click*
*Click* "Na—"
"—YOU LOVE ME!!!!! I W--MHNPF!"
….
*Click.*
Crawford sighed as put his glasses on. He should have known better than to start a lamp fight with Nagi. Especially when the boy was within screaming distance. He removed his hand from Nagi's mouth and slapped it against his head, trying to stop the bells going off in his ear. Then he turned when he heard Nagi's sniffle.
"I'm really sorry," Nagi sniffed, his eyes wide and glistening with potential tears. And – heavens help him - the boy was pouting.
Darn Nagi and his cuteness- how could Crawford stay mad? It was one major reason Crawford liked him… The man hung his head and reached out to ruffle Nagi's hair. "Apology accepted."
Sniff. "Ok." Nagi watched as Crawford stood up from the bed. "Where are you going?"
"I forgot to change into my pajamas."
"Oh." Nagi bit his lower lip and curled his lips into a smile. "Well, you don't *have* to wear them, do you?"
"Good idea!!" Schuldich's muffled voice came through the wall. "He probably doesn't fit in them anymore!"
"Schu!" Nagi yelled in frustration.
Crawford's cheeks reddened and – was that?… Yes, it was steam that began to ascend from his ears. "That is it! EVERYONE go BACK to BED!"
"Fine! Going!" Schuldich laughed from his side of the wall. "Looks like someone won't get their make-up sex!"
"SCHULDICH!"
*Thonk.*
"OW! NAGI!!!#@$!%$~@!!"
Sniff.
*Click.*
"…I think that hurt you more than it hurt God."----
TBC…
Lilly: Ouch…that's going to leave a scar…LOL…What's going to happen now? ::evil snicker:
Tune in next time for the exciting new episode: "Did you know we have over twenty thousand channels on this thing?"
Teaser:
Nagi walked in the front door, followed by Schuldich who cried out in his best bishounen voice, "HONEY! I'M HOME!!"
"I'm in here," they heard a voice call from the living room.
As they entered the living room, Schuldich instinctively reached for his gun.
There was someone in their living room, someone who none of them had ever seen before. Someone clad in blue striped pajamas, which were covered partially
by a red robe. The creature had a bag of Doritos resting on one knee and the TV Guide on the other, while the remote was clutched in its right hand
possessively. The thing was sprawled over their couch lazily.
Nagi was in shock, who was that?....
BWHAHAHA!!!!!! Who has invaded the Schwarz house during this difficult time? Are they a threat? But more importantly, how did they get by Farfie's new improved 'security' system? Tune in to find out!
Lara: ;____; Poor Crawford!! ::reaches out to huggle him, but Nagi beats her to it:: … Damn.
Heh, isn't Lilly so evil? Ok ok, I had a hand in it too… -_- We tease because we love!
And no offense to anyone who liked Episode 2! We love Star Wars to a fault, but that movie just didn't do it for us. And we both love Ewan McGregor too. XD Who doesn't? Good gosh! XDDDD ::runs off to watch Moulin Rouge for the millionth time::