A Series of Humorous (Yeah right) Short Stories
By RisingSun
Scene:
A scruffy man wearing a black sweatshirt and faded jeans strolled into the restaurant. He eyed the affluent little shop, and headed straight for the front desk. An old woman, leaning on a cane, was tending the cash register. He pulled out a crow bar.
"Ok, Ma'am, stick 'em up." He shoved a bag at her. "Empty the money into here or I'll conk ya on…"
He was silenced by a conk on the head, and he collapsed unconscious on the floor.
The old crone continued to tap on a calculator, and lowered her staff unconcernedly. "Shampoo! Order at table seven!"
"Yes Great-Grandmother!" A purple haired waitress bounced out of the kitchen with a large pot of steaming tea. She tripped suddenly and exclaimed "Aiya! So sorry!" as boiling liquid descended on the robber's upturned face.
"Yeeaaaggghhhhh!!!!!" He scrambled up and ran to the door.
"Pardon me!" Ten bowls of freshly prepared ramen crashed down on the would-be thief as he collided with a Chinese waiter with long hair and glasses. A porcelain duck-training potty finished him off.
~*~
Scene:
A young man lay in wait behind a tree, watching the playground with utmost care. A young child would eventually wander away from its parents, unsuspecting into his "welcoming" arms. He leered disgustingly. A sweet little girl was skipping right toward him. Her long hair blew back in the breeze. He reached forward…
"Hello there, little boy! Are you lost?" The girl beamed up at him.
The young man/pervert blinked at her motherly tone, but soon shook it off. "Yes, I am lost. Can you help me find my way?"
"Sure! Come with me!" The girl grabbed his hand and started to run.
"Hey… I…" The young man tried to lead the little girl towards his van, but she was surprisingly strong. "This way…"
The girl glanced over her shoulder. "Oooh! A red car!!!" She dragged him over to his car. "Lemme see! Lemme see!" She jumped up and down and around and around and around and around……
The man sat on the floor, holding his head in his hands. "Oooh… dizzy…" Suddenly, the girl lost interest with the car.
"Ice cream!!!!" She grabbed his hand and raced toward the ice-cream man.
"Squid!"
"Balloons!"
"Teddy bears!"
"Bubble gum!"
Three hours later, they were
still scrambling around the city following the girl's whims, with the young man
still stuck to her, literally, with melted taffy. Finally, exhausted, the young man collapsed on the sidewalk. "I'm so tired…."
"Are you alright?" The girl bent concernedly over him. "We can sit down for a bit…"
"Gotcha!!!" The man sprang up and grabbed the little girl by the arms. "Now you're coming with ME…"
The little girl narrowed her eyes. "Are you a delinquent? I don't seem to remember teaching you… I punish all delinquents, you wait and see!" She pulled out a five-yen coin.
"AARGHH!!" The young man was flung back violently. Groaning, he raised his head. Where the little girl had been two seconds ago, there stood a voluptuous young woman with long dark hair. She raised the coin again.
The man never got up again.
~*~
Scene:
A tall, middle-aged man with dark glasses wandered about the market. One hand was in his pocket. The other one was out and ready to grope in such a way that would make Happosai proud. There. He spotted a beautiful blond with a long skirt. He moved closer. Closer…
"Gotcha!"
Then he blinked. His hand had closed on empty air. Was he losing his skill??? Nooo!!! He tried again. Missed! He tried once more! Aha! But… something was wrong… He looked up at the young woman, who looked back at him quizzically.
"Umm, Miss? Where are your breasts?"
"I'M A BOY YOU MORON!!!!!!" The girl disappeared and a mailbox came flying out of nowhere and landed on his head. It kicked him a few times and then ran away, screaming, "Besides, YOU'RE UGLY!!!!"
Undaunted but a bit dazed, the pervert stood up and looked about for more prey. He spied her coming out of a sweets shop, carrying a bag full of candy. Certainly, she was wearing very masculine clothes, but there was no mistaking that she was a girl; he drooled staring at her prominent bust. "Come to papa!" He raced over energetically. So close…
A splash of hot water caught him by surprise. No matter. The girl would look excellent with a wet top… He looked up.
"Jeez… and I thought Happosai was bad… now another old freak…" A muscular boy with a pigtail frowned down at him. Sensing that his life was in danger, the pervert tried to creep away. Unfortunately, he was kicked up into the stratosphere.
He landed with a thump and a crash. Suddenly, he smelled a sweet perfume. He whirled around. There, on the street corner, was the most beautiful girl in a kimono, sweeping the street in front of a fast food shop. He crept up silently, and launched his attack. "Hiya!"
He missed again! But now, not only had he missed… the girl had disappeared! No, wait… there she went, into the store! He followed eagerly, hands outstretched.
THWONK! He came face to face with a gigantic spatula.
"Hey sugar, store's closed, see the sign?" Somehow, the girl in the kimono had become a boy in work clothes.
"Ahem… excuse me, but have you seen a young woman pass by here recently?"
"Right here."
"Where?"
"Here!"
"Where???"
"In your face, jackass! Are you blind or something?"
The pervert peered at her. Come to think of it, there was something slightly feminine about her…
The kimono girl appeared behind her. "Everything alright, Miss Ukyo?"
"Ah ha! There you are!" He leered. "C'mere, toots. You're such a pretty little thing!"
The kimono girl blushed. "Miss Ukyou! Did you hear that? He called me pretty!"
The boy with the spatula frowned. "You're not a girl, Konatsu. How many times to I have to tell you?"
"But I am a girl, Miss Ukyo! I'm wearing makeup!"
"No you aren't, sugar. Look." He ripped open her top. "See? You don't have boobs."
The pervert was beginning to look nauseous at the exchange.
"But Miss Ukyo…"
"No 'but's' sugar. We all know the truth."
"*Sigh*. I wish I was a feminine as you, Miss Ukyo."
The pervert crawled away in disgust. There were no girls in Nerima.
~*~
Scene:
The bank robber backed away from the teller, machine gun aimed threateningly. He grinned evilly. In his backpack was thousands of yen. A very satisfactory day through and through. And those security guards had been complete wimps—they had run away at the first sight of him. He bumped suddenly into someone. He whirled around, finger at the trigger. He stood face to face with a teenage girl in jeans and striped sweater. "Move out Miss, or I'll blow your brains," he growled menacingly.
She looked at him intently. "Another one of you, eh?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" he snarled.
She raised an eyebrow. "Trying to make off with my money, mister?"
"Smart girl. Now move it."
She didn't budge, merely crossed her arms and stared at him with half-lidded eyes. "I'm a customer at this bank, you know."
The piercing stare she was giving him was slightly chilling, but he felt safe behind his machine gun. "Big whoop. I'll give you five seconds to…"
"Do you know who I am?" She interrupted him in a low, yet dangerous voice.
"Who cares?" Right?
"My name is Nabiki Tendo."
"Hah. And I'm the Emperor of Japan." Unconsciously, a drop of sweat rolled down his forehead.
The girl tossed her short brown hair contemptuously, a cunning smile spreading slowly across her face. She repeated, "My name is Nabiki Tendo, age seventeen. You are holding MY MONEY."
He blinked and looked a little closer. Could it be…? The infamous Nabiki Tendo? His gun clattered to the floor.
It was her.
The room swirled around him in a frenzied chaos, and black shadowy demons rose from the floor. Fire enveloped him…. "Nooooooo!!!!!!!"
The girl poked the prostrate man with her toe disgustedly. "And I didn't even have to blackmail this one," she groused.
~*~
A/N: Entertaining? Ok, so I don't know if there are or aren't police in Nerima, but the idea was too good to pass up. There'll be more, I promise! C&C please! (My favorite one was Nabiki ^_^;; ).