Even in my own bed, I didn't get much sleep.
Too much stuff going on in my head I guess. Everything from the past few days was catching up to me...only thing that I didn't catch up on was all the lost sleep.
I thought of ma and everything she'd been through. Her life wasn't a pretty picture. Everything my pop had put her through; the beatings, the shouting matches, the name calling...no it wasn't pretty but she'd survived it just as she'd survived this whole deal with her heart. I'd never realized it before but what I discovered at that moment was my ma's greatest strength was her heart. She had this ability to love despite if or how that love was returned. She'd loved my father at some point in her life; maybe she still did in her own way. Or maybe she just loved who he'd been the day she married him. She loved my brother too despite all the drugs and everything he'd put her through. And me, well I certainly wasn't innocent when it came to hurting her. I'd hurt her too; too many times in too many ways. But in her heart, she had this amazing capacity for love and it was never-ending...unconditional love they call it.
I remembered talking to Kim and Alex earlier in the day. I had tried to find Mikey and tell him about ma. I'm not sure what the point was. He was too busy snorting some shit to give a damn about ma. In so many ways, he was turning out to be just like my father.
Ma was right about something else too. I really am the guy who wants to solve all the problems; all my family's problems anyway, I'd leave the rest of the world for another problem-solver. Sully needed something to do with his spare time anyway. The guy's not a bad guy, not by any stretch of the imagination. He just does things differently than me.
I thought back to the card everyone had signed. Sully had signed it just as the others had. Except for Faith maybe. Nobody else had signed it like Faith. As much as we argued sometimes, she really was my best friend. At least she had been. Lately things haven't been so good. Not since Fred's heart attack.
You know it's odd how things worked out for Faith and me. Within six months Fred had a heart attack and now ma. Seems we have a lot in common. Well, not entirely. While I may not have been in the best state of mind that night, I didn't stab my partner in the back. I didn't call her names. Maybe I'm making more of this than I should but for some reason I can't shake that one night from my memory. I can't let go of her words. Months later they're still there, just as clear in my mind as they were that night.
Since ma was hospitalized I hadn't talked with Faith. If you get right down to it, we really hadn't talked since Fred was hospitalized: not like we used to anyway.
Morning arrived right on schedule. Morning's schedule that it, not mine. My schedule doesn't include mornings. I was just entering the hospital when I ran into Faith on her way to visit with my ma.
"I thought Charlie was sick," I replied as I continued walking. She followed me as I entered the elevator. We rode in silence to the 5th floor.
My visit with ma was short. The doctors were going to run some more tests, routine they said. I'd hate to think what tests they might run which aren't routine.
I had some things to do anyway. The short time I visited with ma she'd asked for a few things. So I thought I'd go by her place, pick up some stuff, maybe run by the bar and see how things were going there, then head on to work.
Faith tagged along. Why, I'm not sure since she didn't have much to say. It was almost as if she were waiting for me to say something. Me, I had a lot on my mind and talking wasn't one of them.
At the apartment, I managed to find her nightgown and robe. Never made it to the bar but I knew I'd have time for that after work.
Working with Faith wasn't much different than usual. We got through a shift without much fanfare. I stopped off to see ma during lunch. Actually that was Faith's idea given the abbreviated visit from earlier in the day. Besides it gave me the chance to drop off her clothes.
A half hour before our shift ended, it started to rain. It wasn't in the plan but I offered Faith a ride home anyway. Maybe something might seem like old times.
"I thought you were going by your ma's bar tonight," she questioned me as we walked down the stairs.
"I am. I just thought you'd rather get a ride than walk in this weather," I replied as we went out the door. "Wont take but about an hour. Unless you need to get home."
"No hurry," she replied. "I can ride along to your ma's...thanks."
We got in, just as the rain picked up. Timing is everything. The drive to ma's bar was similar to the previous eight hours. Silence is golden. Yeah right. I wonder what kind of a jag-off came up with that one.
Ma's bar was quiet but given that it was a Tuesday, it want all that unusual.
"You want a beer while you wait?" I asked.
"Sure," Faith replied. I set a couple bottles in front of her and took a seat.
"How's Charlie?" I asked after debating whether to talk about the weather or about Charlie.
"He's good," Faith replied. "Still covered in spots but the itching isn't as bad."
"I remember when I had 'em," I replied. "Ma made me this bath with baking soda."
"I did that for Charlie a couple nights ago," Faith explained. "He felt a lot better afterwards."
"Yeah, some tossup don't you think?" I asked, fiddling with my bottle cap. "You feel better...the itching I mean but you look like a prune."
"I think I'll take the prune bit over the itching any day."
"Yeah," I replied. Silence filled the room once more. I took the last swig of beer, depositing the bottle in a recycle bin ma kept behind the bar.
I wandered back to ma's office: not sure why I was there other than to put my space between me and Faith. I opened the safe to discover a lot of cash along with three register tapes. The amount of cash was nothing compared to the totals on the tapes.
"What the hell?" I asked no one but myself since I was the only one in the room at the time. I sat there for a while, wondering why so much cash was in ma's safe. A lot of ideas flooded my head, none of them pretty. I stuffed the money in a paper sack. Half an hour passed before I returned to the bar finding Faith in the same place, same chair, same bottle of beer.
"You ready to go?" I asked. She didn't answer in so many words. Instead she tossed her bottle into the recycle bin and followed me out.
"What's in the bag?" Faith asked, glancing as I tossed some stuff into the back seat.
"Oh just some stuff I need to drop off at ma's," I answered.
"You know if you want, we can stop by there," Faith responded much to my surprise.
"You mean tonight?" I asked. "I thought you needed to get home."
"We got time if you want to stop," she said, glancing at me. It'd been a while since we'd made eye contact. "Besides we go right by there on the way to my place."
"Fine," I replied. We made a few more turns before pulling up in front of ma's place. I grabbed the bag from the back seat. Faith followed me inside. We barely made it in the door before Faith started tossing the questions.
"Bos, you alright?"
"What?" I asked from the kitchen.
"I asked if you are alright?" she repeated. I'd heard her the first time. I was just a little surprised that she was talking to me.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I replied before going back into the kitchen.
"I don't know. You just haven't been yourself lately."
"Lately meaning what?" I asked. "Today's the first day I've talked to you in what...a week? Why don't you just come right out and say what's on your mind."
"I know when we worked together last Bos. It was the night your mom got sick. I was there remember?"
"Yeah I remember...it wasn't exactly one of my better nights?"
"I know that Bos, better than you might think. I went through the same thing with Fred."
"Yeah I know, I was there too remember?"
"Yeah I know. I don't know what would have happened had you not showed up when you did."
"Not so useless after all huh?" I mumbled under my breath.
"What are you talking about?" she asked. I guess I was talking a little louder than I'd thought.
"Nothing," I replied, heading into the bathroom.
"It didn't sound like nothing to me," she said through the door.
"What?" I said a couple minutes later.
"I heard what you said Bos," she replied getting in my face.
"Yeah so what," I argued. "Like it matters anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she shot back.
"It means that it doesn't matter."
"Bos what are you talking about?" she asked.
"I'm talking about me, you know my favorite subject...the only person I care about anyway."
"That's not true," she argued.
"Its not?" I countered. "Then I guess I just add that little comment to the rest of your lies."
"Bosco...what's that supposed to mean?"
"The lies Faith...all of them...the cancer that you conveniently forget to tell me about...why'd you really do that anyway? You think I couldn't handle it or were you just trying to protect me...Huh? Well I hope it's not the last part cause it damn near got me killed."
"I explained all that to you," she said looking me straight in the eye, as if it really mattered.
"You explained what you thought I wanted to hear. Its always that way isn't it? You tell me your version of things even if that happens to be as far from the truth as you can get."
"Bos...you don't understand?"
"No Faith, I don't understand. I don't understand how you could tell me that you miscarried a child. How you could tell me a bold face lie like that and then let me go on and on blaming myself for you losing a child? It was me who should have chased the perp; not you...you lied to me about losing your baby and you continued to lie to me about it even though I was blaming myself for it. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"
"I wasn't thinking clearly at the time...I was confused...I wanted that baby Bos. That child was a part of me. I think about that decision every day of my life. What was I supposed to do huh? I didn't think my marriage was going to survive...hell I'm still not sure it is and I couldn't do that to another child. I couldn't see bringing a child into the screwed up place I call my life."
"What do you expect of your marriage when you tell your husband you're pregnant, then lie to him about a miscarriage all the while you're planning on aborting his child?"
"My marriage was screwed up before that and you know it. Fred drinking all the time...spending money on booze while I stayed up all night wondering how I was going to pay the rent next month...or the heat the month after that."
"Fred hasn't drank since the heart attack. You told me that yourself."
"No he doesn't drink anymore but he's hardly the perfect husband. He's just changed from one little obsession to another."
"Obsession? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Sheila...his new little vice. She's supposed to be his AA sponsor...he's always on the phone to her...at all hours of the day..."
"You telling me Fred's having an affair?"
"He goes to AA meetings Bos and he comes later and later each week...always with some sort of excuse....
"Last week he had a doctor's appointment. I didn't know anything about it until the doctor's office called to reschedule it cause the doctor was in surgery. I tried to call him at work but they said he'd left for an appointment. When he finally got home, I asked him about the appointment. He said the doctor told him everything was fine from the surgery, but he needed to work on losing a few pounds. Some advice considering he never saw the doctor."
"God Faith, I'm sorry," I replied, giving her a hug. I didn't know what else to do at the time so I just held her for what seemed like longer than it actually was. Eventually she let go of me.
"How do you like that?" she continued after wiping the tears from her face. "I threw him out for drinking and lying about it. I take back with the condition that he gets help. And now he's screwing around with some bitch from the meetings. God Bos, I feel like such an idiot."
"You're not an idiot Faith," I replied as her tears started to flow again. "You took him back cause he's the father of your kids. You were only doing what was best for your kids. Despite what Fred says, you're a good mother. Fred took advantage of the situation."
"I offered to go to the meetings with him," she added. "But he wanted to go alone...at least at first he said. So I gave him some time to deal with the meetings on his own. Then he didn't think we should be spending money on a sitter so we could go together. He was full of excuses. Now I know why. He didn't want me to meet his girlfriend."
"I'm sorry Faith," I interrupted her thought. "I was the one who pushed you to take him back...to give him another chance."
"Don't do it Bos. Don't blame yourself for what Fred did...please...he's not worth it."
"Faith," I said pausing for a moment. "Listen, I'll make you a deal. You don't blame yourself for his mistakes and I wont blame myself."
We sat there together for a little while longer.
"I'm sorry Bos," she said pulling away from me. Shaking her head as she looked into my eyes, I could see the intensity of what she was trying to say.
"Sorry for what?" I asked.
"Sorry for that night at the hospital. Sorry for saying that you're useless."
"You were upset Faith. I know you didn't mean what you were saying."
"Yeah I was upset but that doesn't mean what I said didn't hurt you," she continued. "You do care about people otherwise you wouldn't be a cop. I like to think that it isn't all about the guns and the flashing red lights."
"Solving problems," I replied with a chuckle.
"I thought Sully was the problem solver?" she questioned.
"Yeah he is but as much as I hate to admit it, I think I try to do that too...solve people's problems I mean. Beats trying to deal with my own."
"It always seems easier to solve other people's problem than our own. God knows you've tried to do that for me. I know you had it rough growing up and just cause you don't have kids of your own doesn't mean your thoughts on what's good for a kid aren't valid. Hell your opinions probably mean more to me than anyone. When you told me about your mom and dad and how they split up, Bosco that had a huge impact on me. I gave Fred another chance because of what you told me. The fact that it didn't work out wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine. Fact is you tried. You put yourself out there when you could have just gone home that night. Bosco, listen to me. You're my best friend. You're not useless...not to me anyway. I just wish I could be there for you the way you are for me."
"You have been Faith, starting with that video tape of me with the Captains daughter. Then there was the time those jag-offs tried to rob me and I committed armed robbery of them. Everything with 9/11...come on Faith, you've been there for me plenty of times."
"Bosco, can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I answered a little curious what she was wondering. Given the topic of our conversation it could have been a lot of things but for some reason I felt it was bigger than all that other stuff.
"You remember that night you came by my apartment...after I told the boss I thought you needed professional help?"
"Yeah, I remember that," I replied as memories of that night flooded my mind.
"Before that night...before you came by the apartment...I thought I'd lost you. We were so far apart at that time. It was like we lived in different worlds. I didn't think we'd be partners again."
"To be honest with you," I stated. "During that whole time period. I really didn't want to be your partner. I was so angry...not just at you Faith...at everyone...at my whole life and the fact that I was still alive."
"I knew that. I just didn't like what you were doing to yourself. I knew your anger went deeper than just me. I knew you'd be pissed at me for suggesting that you needed help too but I couldn't sit by and watch you self-destruct."
"I was a mess Faith. You were right about that. Even though I didn't want to admit it, I needed something...or someone. You were there for me that night...holding me the way you did; I felt like you were the only thing holding me together."
"It was odd Bosco. Before you showed up that night, we were as far apart as we ever have been and then after we talked, when I was holding you. I don't think I've ever felt closer to you."
I looked at her for a minute. Probably long enough to make her wonder what the hell I was staring at but not long to answer my question.
"Can I ask you a question?" I finally asked.
"You can ask me anything Bos."
"You think if you hadn't been married...you think we...that we might have gone out...you know...dated?"
"Each other?" she asked, doing her best to stifle a laugh. "Bos this is too weird for even you."
"Never mind...forget I asked." I said as I started to stand up.
"Bos" she said stopping me from moving away from her. I started to turn to face her, wondering what kind of reaction I'd read when I actually looked at her. My reaction, or rather her reaction surprised me.
I closed my eyes at her touch; so soft, so warm, so calming just as it had been that night when I'd cried in her arms. In many ways what I was searching for then was the same thing I needed from her now. I needed to know that I hadn't lost my best friend. But, in so many other ways, what I wanted from her now was very different. We were different people now then who we were then. The age-old parental story of what someone needs versus what someone wants rang through my brain. The trouble was, my wants were stronger than my needs. What I wanted from Faith was far more than what exists between best friends; far more than the love best friends share. I needed a love that exists between a man and a woman...something that I had never felt before, at least not until that moment.
Her lips touched mine for the first time, creating a stir within my body. That one kiss was followed by several others, each one growing in intensity. It wasn't long before the two of us were searching for more then just kisses. I struggled with the buttons of her blouse before she came to my assistance. I removed my shirt as she was finishing with the buttons of her own. I lost myself in her very being: her eyes, her lips, her shoulders, and her breasts. Feeling her soft skin against my body was more intoxicating than anything ma's bar had to offer. It'd been too long since I'd been with a woman, far too long. I sensed that what Faith and I were about to share would carry an intensity that neither of us had felt in a long time. I needed to love Faith. I wanted to show her just how much she meant to me. The moment our bodies became one so too did my wants and my needs. The anger, the pain, the sadness...all the emotions that had possessed us since the blackout came to the surface. Together we conquered them all before collapsing together.
A few minutes passed as we lay there together, my head on her chest. The deafening silence that had existed between us for months was now peaceful.
"Bos?" she whispered.
I struggled to look her in the eye not for shame or anything like that. It was more of this amazing feeling that seemed to possess my body at that moment. As our eyes met, she continued.
"To answer your question from earlier," she said, gently stroking the skin of my arm with her fingertips. "Hypothetically, I don't think we would have dated each other. We probably would have killed one another if we tried."
I had to smile at her answer, believing that she was telling the truth in a hypothetical sense.
"But if I had known then what I know now," she continued. "I would have probably just used you for sex."
For some reason when she said the words 'sex' the real world returned.
"Faith?" I replied. "You know what just happened?"
"Yeah Bos, we made love."
"I never did this before Faith..." I replied, lost in my own thoughts. Thinking back I'm sure my comment startled Faith.
"Bosco?" she replied stating my name in question form.
"Seriously Faith, this was a first for me."
"Bosco, what are you talking about?"
"This Faith...you and me...making love...I never made love before, not like this."
"Not like what exactly?"
"Not in my mothers house. Faith, we just made love in my mother's living room."
Faith broke into a fit of laughter at that moment. I loved the sound of her laugh even if it did occur as we were talking about making love.
"Bosco, you had me worried there for a minute."
I laughed along with her realizing what she was referring to. "Come on Faith. You know me better than that."
"Yeah I know you Bosco. I just never realized how much I'd enjoy getting to know you better."
"Oh so then tomorrow at work you won't mind talking about my sex life."
"What no anti-crime tomorrow?"
"Nope, gonna work with my partner tomorrow...if she still wants me for a partner that is."
"We're still partners Bos...partners on duty and partners off duty."
tbc
Too much stuff going on in my head I guess. Everything from the past few days was catching up to me...only thing that I didn't catch up on was all the lost sleep.
I thought of ma and everything she'd been through. Her life wasn't a pretty picture. Everything my pop had put her through; the beatings, the shouting matches, the name calling...no it wasn't pretty but she'd survived it just as she'd survived this whole deal with her heart. I'd never realized it before but what I discovered at that moment was my ma's greatest strength was her heart. She had this ability to love despite if or how that love was returned. She'd loved my father at some point in her life; maybe she still did in her own way. Or maybe she just loved who he'd been the day she married him. She loved my brother too despite all the drugs and everything he'd put her through. And me, well I certainly wasn't innocent when it came to hurting her. I'd hurt her too; too many times in too many ways. But in her heart, she had this amazing capacity for love and it was never-ending...unconditional love they call it.
I remembered talking to Kim and Alex earlier in the day. I had tried to find Mikey and tell him about ma. I'm not sure what the point was. He was too busy snorting some shit to give a damn about ma. In so many ways, he was turning out to be just like my father.
Ma was right about something else too. I really am the guy who wants to solve all the problems; all my family's problems anyway, I'd leave the rest of the world for another problem-solver. Sully needed something to do with his spare time anyway. The guy's not a bad guy, not by any stretch of the imagination. He just does things differently than me.
I thought back to the card everyone had signed. Sully had signed it just as the others had. Except for Faith maybe. Nobody else had signed it like Faith. As much as we argued sometimes, she really was my best friend. At least she had been. Lately things haven't been so good. Not since Fred's heart attack.
You know it's odd how things worked out for Faith and me. Within six months Fred had a heart attack and now ma. Seems we have a lot in common. Well, not entirely. While I may not have been in the best state of mind that night, I didn't stab my partner in the back. I didn't call her names. Maybe I'm making more of this than I should but for some reason I can't shake that one night from my memory. I can't let go of her words. Months later they're still there, just as clear in my mind as they were that night.
Since ma was hospitalized I hadn't talked with Faith. If you get right down to it, we really hadn't talked since Fred was hospitalized: not like we used to anyway.
Morning arrived right on schedule. Morning's schedule that it, not mine. My schedule doesn't include mornings. I was just entering the hospital when I ran into Faith on her way to visit with my ma.
"I thought Charlie was sick," I replied as I continued walking. She followed me as I entered the elevator. We rode in silence to the 5th floor.
My visit with ma was short. The doctors were going to run some more tests, routine they said. I'd hate to think what tests they might run which aren't routine.
I had some things to do anyway. The short time I visited with ma she'd asked for a few things. So I thought I'd go by her place, pick up some stuff, maybe run by the bar and see how things were going there, then head on to work.
Faith tagged along. Why, I'm not sure since she didn't have much to say. It was almost as if she were waiting for me to say something. Me, I had a lot on my mind and talking wasn't one of them.
At the apartment, I managed to find her nightgown and robe. Never made it to the bar but I knew I'd have time for that after work.
Working with Faith wasn't much different than usual. We got through a shift without much fanfare. I stopped off to see ma during lunch. Actually that was Faith's idea given the abbreviated visit from earlier in the day. Besides it gave me the chance to drop off her clothes.
A half hour before our shift ended, it started to rain. It wasn't in the plan but I offered Faith a ride home anyway. Maybe something might seem like old times.
"I thought you were going by your ma's bar tonight," she questioned me as we walked down the stairs.
"I am. I just thought you'd rather get a ride than walk in this weather," I replied as we went out the door. "Wont take but about an hour. Unless you need to get home."
"No hurry," she replied. "I can ride along to your ma's...thanks."
We got in, just as the rain picked up. Timing is everything. The drive to ma's bar was similar to the previous eight hours. Silence is golden. Yeah right. I wonder what kind of a jag-off came up with that one.
Ma's bar was quiet but given that it was a Tuesday, it want all that unusual.
"You want a beer while you wait?" I asked.
"Sure," Faith replied. I set a couple bottles in front of her and took a seat.
"How's Charlie?" I asked after debating whether to talk about the weather or about Charlie.
"He's good," Faith replied. "Still covered in spots but the itching isn't as bad."
"I remember when I had 'em," I replied. "Ma made me this bath with baking soda."
"I did that for Charlie a couple nights ago," Faith explained. "He felt a lot better afterwards."
"Yeah, some tossup don't you think?" I asked, fiddling with my bottle cap. "You feel better...the itching I mean but you look like a prune."
"I think I'll take the prune bit over the itching any day."
"Yeah," I replied. Silence filled the room once more. I took the last swig of beer, depositing the bottle in a recycle bin ma kept behind the bar.
I wandered back to ma's office: not sure why I was there other than to put my space between me and Faith. I opened the safe to discover a lot of cash along with three register tapes. The amount of cash was nothing compared to the totals on the tapes.
"What the hell?" I asked no one but myself since I was the only one in the room at the time. I sat there for a while, wondering why so much cash was in ma's safe. A lot of ideas flooded my head, none of them pretty. I stuffed the money in a paper sack. Half an hour passed before I returned to the bar finding Faith in the same place, same chair, same bottle of beer.
"You ready to go?" I asked. She didn't answer in so many words. Instead she tossed her bottle into the recycle bin and followed me out.
"What's in the bag?" Faith asked, glancing as I tossed some stuff into the back seat.
"Oh just some stuff I need to drop off at ma's," I answered.
"You know if you want, we can stop by there," Faith responded much to my surprise.
"You mean tonight?" I asked. "I thought you needed to get home."
"We got time if you want to stop," she said, glancing at me. It'd been a while since we'd made eye contact. "Besides we go right by there on the way to my place."
"Fine," I replied. We made a few more turns before pulling up in front of ma's place. I grabbed the bag from the back seat. Faith followed me inside. We barely made it in the door before Faith started tossing the questions.
"Bos, you alright?"
"What?" I asked from the kitchen.
"I asked if you are alright?" she repeated. I'd heard her the first time. I was just a little surprised that she was talking to me.
"Yeah, I'm fine, why?" I replied before going back into the kitchen.
"I don't know. You just haven't been yourself lately."
"Lately meaning what?" I asked. "Today's the first day I've talked to you in what...a week? Why don't you just come right out and say what's on your mind."
"I know when we worked together last Bos. It was the night your mom got sick. I was there remember?"
"Yeah I remember...it wasn't exactly one of my better nights?"
"I know that Bos, better than you might think. I went through the same thing with Fred."
"Yeah I know, I was there too remember?"
"Yeah I know. I don't know what would have happened had you not showed up when you did."
"Not so useless after all huh?" I mumbled under my breath.
"What are you talking about?" she asked. I guess I was talking a little louder than I'd thought.
"Nothing," I replied, heading into the bathroom.
"It didn't sound like nothing to me," she said through the door.
"What?" I said a couple minutes later.
"I heard what you said Bos," she replied getting in my face.
"Yeah so what," I argued. "Like it matters anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?" she shot back.
"It means that it doesn't matter."
"Bos what are you talking about?" she asked.
"I'm talking about me, you know my favorite subject...the only person I care about anyway."
"That's not true," she argued.
"Its not?" I countered. "Then I guess I just add that little comment to the rest of your lies."
"Bosco...what's that supposed to mean?"
"The lies Faith...all of them...the cancer that you conveniently forget to tell me about...why'd you really do that anyway? You think I couldn't handle it or were you just trying to protect me...Huh? Well I hope it's not the last part cause it damn near got me killed."
"I explained all that to you," she said looking me straight in the eye, as if it really mattered.
"You explained what you thought I wanted to hear. Its always that way isn't it? You tell me your version of things even if that happens to be as far from the truth as you can get."
"Bos...you don't understand?"
"No Faith, I don't understand. I don't understand how you could tell me that you miscarried a child. How you could tell me a bold face lie like that and then let me go on and on blaming myself for you losing a child? It was me who should have chased the perp; not you...you lied to me about losing your baby and you continued to lie to me about it even though I was blaming myself for it. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"
"I wasn't thinking clearly at the time...I was confused...I wanted that baby Bos. That child was a part of me. I think about that decision every day of my life. What was I supposed to do huh? I didn't think my marriage was going to survive...hell I'm still not sure it is and I couldn't do that to another child. I couldn't see bringing a child into the screwed up place I call my life."
"What do you expect of your marriage when you tell your husband you're pregnant, then lie to him about a miscarriage all the while you're planning on aborting his child?"
"My marriage was screwed up before that and you know it. Fred drinking all the time...spending money on booze while I stayed up all night wondering how I was going to pay the rent next month...or the heat the month after that."
"Fred hasn't drank since the heart attack. You told me that yourself."
"No he doesn't drink anymore but he's hardly the perfect husband. He's just changed from one little obsession to another."
"Obsession? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Sheila...his new little vice. She's supposed to be his AA sponsor...he's always on the phone to her...at all hours of the day..."
"You telling me Fred's having an affair?"
"He goes to AA meetings Bos and he comes later and later each week...always with some sort of excuse....
"Last week he had a doctor's appointment. I didn't know anything about it until the doctor's office called to reschedule it cause the doctor was in surgery. I tried to call him at work but they said he'd left for an appointment. When he finally got home, I asked him about the appointment. He said the doctor told him everything was fine from the surgery, but he needed to work on losing a few pounds. Some advice considering he never saw the doctor."
"God Faith, I'm sorry," I replied, giving her a hug. I didn't know what else to do at the time so I just held her for what seemed like longer than it actually was. Eventually she let go of me.
"How do you like that?" she continued after wiping the tears from her face. "I threw him out for drinking and lying about it. I take back with the condition that he gets help. And now he's screwing around with some bitch from the meetings. God Bos, I feel like such an idiot."
"You're not an idiot Faith," I replied as her tears started to flow again. "You took him back cause he's the father of your kids. You were only doing what was best for your kids. Despite what Fred says, you're a good mother. Fred took advantage of the situation."
"I offered to go to the meetings with him," she added. "But he wanted to go alone...at least at first he said. So I gave him some time to deal with the meetings on his own. Then he didn't think we should be spending money on a sitter so we could go together. He was full of excuses. Now I know why. He didn't want me to meet his girlfriend."
"I'm sorry Faith," I interrupted her thought. "I was the one who pushed you to take him back...to give him another chance."
"Don't do it Bos. Don't blame yourself for what Fred did...please...he's not worth it."
"Faith," I said pausing for a moment. "Listen, I'll make you a deal. You don't blame yourself for his mistakes and I wont blame myself."
We sat there together for a little while longer.
"I'm sorry Bos," she said pulling away from me. Shaking her head as she looked into my eyes, I could see the intensity of what she was trying to say.
"Sorry for what?" I asked.
"Sorry for that night at the hospital. Sorry for saying that you're useless."
"You were upset Faith. I know you didn't mean what you were saying."
"Yeah I was upset but that doesn't mean what I said didn't hurt you," she continued. "You do care about people otherwise you wouldn't be a cop. I like to think that it isn't all about the guns and the flashing red lights."
"Solving problems," I replied with a chuckle.
"I thought Sully was the problem solver?" she questioned.
"Yeah he is but as much as I hate to admit it, I think I try to do that too...solve people's problems I mean. Beats trying to deal with my own."
"It always seems easier to solve other people's problem than our own. God knows you've tried to do that for me. I know you had it rough growing up and just cause you don't have kids of your own doesn't mean your thoughts on what's good for a kid aren't valid. Hell your opinions probably mean more to me than anyone. When you told me about your mom and dad and how they split up, Bosco that had a huge impact on me. I gave Fred another chance because of what you told me. The fact that it didn't work out wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine. Fact is you tried. You put yourself out there when you could have just gone home that night. Bosco, listen to me. You're my best friend. You're not useless...not to me anyway. I just wish I could be there for you the way you are for me."
"You have been Faith, starting with that video tape of me with the Captains daughter. Then there was the time those jag-offs tried to rob me and I committed armed robbery of them. Everything with 9/11...come on Faith, you've been there for me plenty of times."
"Bosco, can I ask you something?"
"Sure," I answered a little curious what she was wondering. Given the topic of our conversation it could have been a lot of things but for some reason I felt it was bigger than all that other stuff.
"You remember that night you came by my apartment...after I told the boss I thought you needed professional help?"
"Yeah, I remember that," I replied as memories of that night flooded my mind.
"Before that night...before you came by the apartment...I thought I'd lost you. We were so far apart at that time. It was like we lived in different worlds. I didn't think we'd be partners again."
"To be honest with you," I stated. "During that whole time period. I really didn't want to be your partner. I was so angry...not just at you Faith...at everyone...at my whole life and the fact that I was still alive."
"I knew that. I just didn't like what you were doing to yourself. I knew your anger went deeper than just me. I knew you'd be pissed at me for suggesting that you needed help too but I couldn't sit by and watch you self-destruct."
"I was a mess Faith. You were right about that. Even though I didn't want to admit it, I needed something...or someone. You were there for me that night...holding me the way you did; I felt like you were the only thing holding me together."
"It was odd Bosco. Before you showed up that night, we were as far apart as we ever have been and then after we talked, when I was holding you. I don't think I've ever felt closer to you."
I looked at her for a minute. Probably long enough to make her wonder what the hell I was staring at but not long to answer my question.
"Can I ask you a question?" I finally asked.
"You can ask me anything Bos."
"You think if you hadn't been married...you think we...that we might have gone out...you know...dated?"
"Each other?" she asked, doing her best to stifle a laugh. "Bos this is too weird for even you."
"Never mind...forget I asked." I said as I started to stand up.
"Bos" she said stopping me from moving away from her. I started to turn to face her, wondering what kind of reaction I'd read when I actually looked at her. My reaction, or rather her reaction surprised me.
I closed my eyes at her touch; so soft, so warm, so calming just as it had been that night when I'd cried in her arms. In many ways what I was searching for then was the same thing I needed from her now. I needed to know that I hadn't lost my best friend. But, in so many other ways, what I wanted from her now was very different. We were different people now then who we were then. The age-old parental story of what someone needs versus what someone wants rang through my brain. The trouble was, my wants were stronger than my needs. What I wanted from Faith was far more than what exists between best friends; far more than the love best friends share. I needed a love that exists between a man and a woman...something that I had never felt before, at least not until that moment.
Her lips touched mine for the first time, creating a stir within my body. That one kiss was followed by several others, each one growing in intensity. It wasn't long before the two of us were searching for more then just kisses. I struggled with the buttons of her blouse before she came to my assistance. I removed my shirt as she was finishing with the buttons of her own. I lost myself in her very being: her eyes, her lips, her shoulders, and her breasts. Feeling her soft skin against my body was more intoxicating than anything ma's bar had to offer. It'd been too long since I'd been with a woman, far too long. I sensed that what Faith and I were about to share would carry an intensity that neither of us had felt in a long time. I needed to love Faith. I wanted to show her just how much she meant to me. The moment our bodies became one so too did my wants and my needs. The anger, the pain, the sadness...all the emotions that had possessed us since the blackout came to the surface. Together we conquered them all before collapsing together.
A few minutes passed as we lay there together, my head on her chest. The deafening silence that had existed between us for months was now peaceful.
"Bos?" she whispered.
I struggled to look her in the eye not for shame or anything like that. It was more of this amazing feeling that seemed to possess my body at that moment. As our eyes met, she continued.
"To answer your question from earlier," she said, gently stroking the skin of my arm with her fingertips. "Hypothetically, I don't think we would have dated each other. We probably would have killed one another if we tried."
I had to smile at her answer, believing that she was telling the truth in a hypothetical sense.
"But if I had known then what I know now," she continued. "I would have probably just used you for sex."
For some reason when she said the words 'sex' the real world returned.
"Faith?" I replied. "You know what just happened?"
"Yeah Bos, we made love."
"I never did this before Faith..." I replied, lost in my own thoughts. Thinking back I'm sure my comment startled Faith.
"Bosco?" she replied stating my name in question form.
"Seriously Faith, this was a first for me."
"Bosco, what are you talking about?"
"This Faith...you and me...making love...I never made love before, not like this."
"Not like what exactly?"
"Not in my mothers house. Faith, we just made love in my mother's living room."
Faith broke into a fit of laughter at that moment. I loved the sound of her laugh even if it did occur as we were talking about making love.
"Bosco, you had me worried there for a minute."
I laughed along with her realizing what she was referring to. "Come on Faith. You know me better than that."
"Yeah I know you Bosco. I just never realized how much I'd enjoy getting to know you better."
"Oh so then tomorrow at work you won't mind talking about my sex life."
"What no anti-crime tomorrow?"
"Nope, gonna work with my partner tomorrow...if she still wants me for a partner that is."
"We're still partners Bos...partners on duty and partners off duty."
tbc