BREAKING OFF
1/11 -
RESIDENCE OF SARAH MACKENZIE - GEORGETOWN September 25th, 1998
Her lover's hand glided lazily from her breasts to her belly and stayed still, wide and warm. Mac, snuggled up to him, was listening his heart's beating. They did not speak, savoring the silence.
He began to move as if to get up, and Mac's heart paused briefly. When would he be ready to stay till the morning? To stay through the night with her, help her to get over her fears like she had helped him to find his father ?
Since they were back from Russia last May, they had entered a reassuring routine, even if the passionate affair they were having could hardly be called a 'routine'. Proof of this were the clothes fallen on the floor , leading the way from the hastily closed apartment door to Mac's room : his white spencer, her black sandals, the evening gown borrowed from the CIA, which showed the signs of their stormy night at the Sudanese embassy . The apartment was not that big, and they were in the bedroom before they were fully undressed.
In Harm's loft, it was more difficult.
She grabbed his hand and tried to get him back.
" You can stay, you know. That would not bother me . "
She wanted to tell him not to go away, not to leave her alone, but once again she was afraid of opening up to him, and then not be able to face the consequences.
Since their first night in Moscow, when she had returned to the hotel after her dinner with Sokol, they seemed to share an unspoken agreement. They would act as if nothing had changed. And when they made love, they asked no questions. They couldn't. Not yet.
She knew she could never forget that night.
Sokol had driven her back to the hotel, and followed her in the hallway. He had kissed her on both cheeks, promising to call back as soon he had the information about the number Harm had given to him. Then he had left. She had walked slowly towards the lift, lost in her thoughts. While she was standing there, waiting for the lift to arrive, she had felt a hand on her shoulder. Sure Sokol had come back, she was hoping he was not thinking about .
" Please, don't do that, I want us to stay friends . "
But it was Harm's voice that answered her. She turned to face him as he continued to speak.
" I thought we still were friends, Mac. But I believe you were not speaking to me, right? " " What are you doing here? You were waiting for me? " " Not really. I just spent some time with a beer bottle feeling alone in the bar . and then you came back . I thought if you weren't alone, you would find it difficult to explain what I was doing in the room. " " You're a boor, Harm. I had dinner with him for you, to help you find your father. "
The lift just opened, they got in and did not speak again until they reached their room.
Harm did not want to drop the subject. He felt that Mac liked Sokol, as she had liked Mark Falcon back then during their investigation on the Hornet. He did not really know why, but their newborn friendship was getting on his nerves.
Mac thought the subject was over, but as soon the door closed, he spoke again.
" You tried to seduce him so you could help me find my father? " " I did not try to seduce him. I was just being polite to a man who was taking me out for dinner, whatever the reason. " " You never dress like that when I'm taking you out for dinner. " " You never take me out for dinner. We have Chinese noodles together in the shop around the corner, or we share a pizza while we're working late on a case. I don't consider that as a proper dinner invitation, Harm. Look, let's forget it and go to bed . It's late ... "
Smiling ironically, he nodded towards the non so comfortable armchair where he had spent the previous nights.
" Great idea, Mac, my back still hurts from last night. I can't wait to 'go to bed' there again. " " Listen, Harm, the bed is big enough for both of us. I feel bad about you sleeping there, you need to rest. Why don't you come over here ? Remember the Appalachians? It won't be the first time I've spent the night in your arms.? "
The easy joke brought a smile to Harm's lips and they went to bed in a comfortable mood, like two old pals. Mac felt safe next to Harm's body in this unknown bed, and she quickly fell asleep.
She had half waked up in the middle of the night, cuddled up against a warm and hard body, captive of his strong arms. As if moved by its own will, her hand had drawn signs on the undershirt of the man laying near her, tracing the muscles of his torso, moving slowly up to his face, gliding along a now raspy cheek till it arrived on his lips, barely touching them. Harm was not moving, his breathing was calm. Totally awake now, she finally had decided to look up his face. Hopefully, he was still asleep. In the dim light screening through the curtains, she had seen Harm's bright eyes, wide open, staring at her intensely. During long minutes, they watched each other, Mac's fingers still on his now half open mouth. She felt her blood beating harder and harder in her temples, her heart racing more and more. Her mouth was dry. But as if being mesmerized she could not get her eyes away from Harm's blue look.
Still he did not move, as if letting her play the game the way she wanted.
It still was not too late, she even did not need to make excuses, she just had to get back on her side of the bed, to close as tight as possible her eyes and her mouth and to wait , motionless, till it would be morning.
It was the only possible choice.
Listening to her mind's advices, she had moved up slightly to get away from Harm
. and had put her lips on the warm mouth waiting for her.
.
Early the following morning, they woke up naked in each other's arms . Not telling a word, Harm quickly kissed Mac's lips , put on his boxers and disappeared in the bathroom.
Never during the day did they speak about this night, but their eyes were constantly looking for the other one, and the shadow of a smile was wandering on their faces when they looked at each other.
When Harm had learned the truth about the fate of Lieutenant Harm Rabb, once they were back in the only hotel around where they were supposed to spend the night before driving back to Moscow, Mac had planed to let Harm alone, let him cry over the death of this father he had spent his life to search for till now. But he had pulled her into his arms and had made love to her desperately, loosing himself in her as if he were trying to make sure he still was alive. As he reached orgasm, he had whispered :
" I need you, Sarah, don't leave me. "
This words were engraved in Mac's soul, they were the only intimate words they had spoken since the beginning of their affair.
Once back in DC, without consulting each other, they spent each night together, keeping their relationship secret to everyone without it to be the smallest effort. Their behavior at JAG had not changed, they joked, fought, worked together, they even had lunch together sometimes. But never one of them had the slightest gesture, the slightest ambiguous word towards outside the privacy of their apartments.
And every night when they were in Washington, Harm went to Mac, they had dinner together as so often before, they spoke about their cases, joked a little, cleaned the kitchen together, and suddenly the atmosphere filled with electricity and the long-time friends changed into passionate lovers.
And each time, in the middle of the night, Harm would stand up, get dressed, and without a word, put a light kiss on Mac's lips and then disappear, leaving her alone.
One night, she decided to change their routine and came to his apartment. The evening and the night followed the same ritual as every other night, but in the middle of the night, the feeling of being alone woke Mac up. She reached out, but the bed was empty, the sheet was cold. She put on a shirt and looked for her lover. Harm was sitting at his desk in the darkness, staring at a picture of his father. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and asked quietly :
" Do you want me to leave? " " No, you can stay. "
Then the silence again, this silence she did not know how to break, this silence she did not want to break.
She never again went to his home at night. She arrived every Sunday morning. They went jogging together, and stayed then in the apartment, never really speaking unless they had to and making love till sunset.
They both knew that their relationship could not, should not go on like this, but what they were experiencing together was so intense that they were not ready to give it up.
And speaking would probably have appalling consequences. First of it all, it would be the end of this passion, from which they got this so fleeting feeling of being truly alive.
But tonight, Mac felt ready to take the chance.
" You can stay . I would love it . waking up near you tomorrow morning . "
Harm's face stayed impassive, he stared at her and she could not read any emotion in his eyes, only the shadow of a question.
He lifted himself on an elbow, dropped a light kiss on her nose and opened his mouth to speak with hesitation in his voice.
" I would love it too . but . not yet . " " Why? "
Without another word, he touched her face then stood up and picked up his clothes.
He was not ready, this was just too fast for him. He knew if he stayed the night with her, now that they were back in Washington, he could not maintain this friendly and strong working relationship with her that he cared so much about.
A question kept running through his mind as soon he was alone at night, back in his bachelor's world, in this refuge he had built. Why was he so afraid to stay all the night with this woman he could never get enough of ? He was confusedly feeling that once he would wake up near her in her familiar world, he would accept their relationship to change, he could not work longer the same serene way with Mac.
He knew that what they were doing -- living this double life -- would not work forever but right now he did not want things to change. He wanted to spend the nights with his lover, Sarah, and then arrive in the morning at the office to meet his workpal, Mac. It was still difficult enough for him to know how to behave every evening in her house. Their dinner and chatting made him uncomfortable, but he had too much respect for her to just come and have sex with her.
He was not sure he was ready for something else. Not yet.
TBC
1/11 -
RESIDENCE OF SARAH MACKENZIE - GEORGETOWN September 25th, 1998
Her lover's hand glided lazily from her breasts to her belly and stayed still, wide and warm. Mac, snuggled up to him, was listening his heart's beating. They did not speak, savoring the silence.
He began to move as if to get up, and Mac's heart paused briefly. When would he be ready to stay till the morning? To stay through the night with her, help her to get over her fears like she had helped him to find his father ?
Since they were back from Russia last May, they had entered a reassuring routine, even if the passionate affair they were having could hardly be called a 'routine'. Proof of this were the clothes fallen on the floor , leading the way from the hastily closed apartment door to Mac's room : his white spencer, her black sandals, the evening gown borrowed from the CIA, which showed the signs of their stormy night at the Sudanese embassy . The apartment was not that big, and they were in the bedroom before they were fully undressed.
In Harm's loft, it was more difficult.
She grabbed his hand and tried to get him back.
" You can stay, you know. That would not bother me . "
She wanted to tell him not to go away, not to leave her alone, but once again she was afraid of opening up to him, and then not be able to face the consequences.
Since their first night in Moscow, when she had returned to the hotel after her dinner with Sokol, they seemed to share an unspoken agreement. They would act as if nothing had changed. And when they made love, they asked no questions. They couldn't. Not yet.
She knew she could never forget that night.
Sokol had driven her back to the hotel, and followed her in the hallway. He had kissed her on both cheeks, promising to call back as soon he had the information about the number Harm had given to him. Then he had left. She had walked slowly towards the lift, lost in her thoughts. While she was standing there, waiting for the lift to arrive, she had felt a hand on her shoulder. Sure Sokol had come back, she was hoping he was not thinking about .
" Please, don't do that, I want us to stay friends . "
But it was Harm's voice that answered her. She turned to face him as he continued to speak.
" I thought we still were friends, Mac. But I believe you were not speaking to me, right? " " What are you doing here? You were waiting for me? " " Not really. I just spent some time with a beer bottle feeling alone in the bar . and then you came back . I thought if you weren't alone, you would find it difficult to explain what I was doing in the room. " " You're a boor, Harm. I had dinner with him for you, to help you find your father. "
The lift just opened, they got in and did not speak again until they reached their room.
Harm did not want to drop the subject. He felt that Mac liked Sokol, as she had liked Mark Falcon back then during their investigation on the Hornet. He did not really know why, but their newborn friendship was getting on his nerves.
Mac thought the subject was over, but as soon the door closed, he spoke again.
" You tried to seduce him so you could help me find my father? " " I did not try to seduce him. I was just being polite to a man who was taking me out for dinner, whatever the reason. " " You never dress like that when I'm taking you out for dinner. " " You never take me out for dinner. We have Chinese noodles together in the shop around the corner, or we share a pizza while we're working late on a case. I don't consider that as a proper dinner invitation, Harm. Look, let's forget it and go to bed . It's late ... "
Smiling ironically, he nodded towards the non so comfortable armchair where he had spent the previous nights.
" Great idea, Mac, my back still hurts from last night. I can't wait to 'go to bed' there again. " " Listen, Harm, the bed is big enough for both of us. I feel bad about you sleeping there, you need to rest. Why don't you come over here ? Remember the Appalachians? It won't be the first time I've spent the night in your arms.? "
The easy joke brought a smile to Harm's lips and they went to bed in a comfortable mood, like two old pals. Mac felt safe next to Harm's body in this unknown bed, and she quickly fell asleep.
She had half waked up in the middle of the night, cuddled up against a warm and hard body, captive of his strong arms. As if moved by its own will, her hand had drawn signs on the undershirt of the man laying near her, tracing the muscles of his torso, moving slowly up to his face, gliding along a now raspy cheek till it arrived on his lips, barely touching them. Harm was not moving, his breathing was calm. Totally awake now, she finally had decided to look up his face. Hopefully, he was still asleep. In the dim light screening through the curtains, she had seen Harm's bright eyes, wide open, staring at her intensely. During long minutes, they watched each other, Mac's fingers still on his now half open mouth. She felt her blood beating harder and harder in her temples, her heart racing more and more. Her mouth was dry. But as if being mesmerized she could not get her eyes away from Harm's blue look.
Still he did not move, as if letting her play the game the way she wanted.
It still was not too late, she even did not need to make excuses, she just had to get back on her side of the bed, to close as tight as possible her eyes and her mouth and to wait , motionless, till it would be morning.
It was the only possible choice.
Listening to her mind's advices, she had moved up slightly to get away from Harm
. and had put her lips on the warm mouth waiting for her.
.
Early the following morning, they woke up naked in each other's arms . Not telling a word, Harm quickly kissed Mac's lips , put on his boxers and disappeared in the bathroom.
Never during the day did they speak about this night, but their eyes were constantly looking for the other one, and the shadow of a smile was wandering on their faces when they looked at each other.
When Harm had learned the truth about the fate of Lieutenant Harm Rabb, once they were back in the only hotel around where they were supposed to spend the night before driving back to Moscow, Mac had planed to let Harm alone, let him cry over the death of this father he had spent his life to search for till now. But he had pulled her into his arms and had made love to her desperately, loosing himself in her as if he were trying to make sure he still was alive. As he reached orgasm, he had whispered :
" I need you, Sarah, don't leave me. "
This words were engraved in Mac's soul, they were the only intimate words they had spoken since the beginning of their affair.
Once back in DC, without consulting each other, they spent each night together, keeping their relationship secret to everyone without it to be the smallest effort. Their behavior at JAG had not changed, they joked, fought, worked together, they even had lunch together sometimes. But never one of them had the slightest gesture, the slightest ambiguous word towards outside the privacy of their apartments.
And every night when they were in Washington, Harm went to Mac, they had dinner together as so often before, they spoke about their cases, joked a little, cleaned the kitchen together, and suddenly the atmosphere filled with electricity and the long-time friends changed into passionate lovers.
And each time, in the middle of the night, Harm would stand up, get dressed, and without a word, put a light kiss on Mac's lips and then disappear, leaving her alone.
One night, she decided to change their routine and came to his apartment. The evening and the night followed the same ritual as every other night, but in the middle of the night, the feeling of being alone woke Mac up. She reached out, but the bed was empty, the sheet was cold. She put on a shirt and looked for her lover. Harm was sitting at his desk in the darkness, staring at a picture of his father. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder and asked quietly :
" Do you want me to leave? " " No, you can stay. "
Then the silence again, this silence she did not know how to break, this silence she did not want to break.
She never again went to his home at night. She arrived every Sunday morning. They went jogging together, and stayed then in the apartment, never really speaking unless they had to and making love till sunset.
They both knew that their relationship could not, should not go on like this, but what they were experiencing together was so intense that they were not ready to give it up.
And speaking would probably have appalling consequences. First of it all, it would be the end of this passion, from which they got this so fleeting feeling of being truly alive.
But tonight, Mac felt ready to take the chance.
" You can stay . I would love it . waking up near you tomorrow morning . "
Harm's face stayed impassive, he stared at her and she could not read any emotion in his eyes, only the shadow of a question.
He lifted himself on an elbow, dropped a light kiss on her nose and opened his mouth to speak with hesitation in his voice.
" I would love it too . but . not yet . " " Why? "
Without another word, he touched her face then stood up and picked up his clothes.
He was not ready, this was just too fast for him. He knew if he stayed the night with her, now that they were back in Washington, he could not maintain this friendly and strong working relationship with her that he cared so much about.
A question kept running through his mind as soon he was alone at night, back in his bachelor's world, in this refuge he had built. Why was he so afraid to stay all the night with this woman he could never get enough of ? He was confusedly feeling that once he would wake up near her in her familiar world, he would accept their relationship to change, he could not work longer the same serene way with Mac.
He knew that what they were doing -- living this double life -- would not work forever but right now he did not want things to change. He wanted to spend the nights with his lover, Sarah, and then arrive in the morning at the office to meet his workpal, Mac. It was still difficult enough for him to know how to behave every evening in her house. Their dinner and chatting made him uncomfortable, but he had too much respect for her to just come and have sex with her.
He was not sure he was ready for something else. Not yet.
TBC