Still strange, the touch of his lips or the feel of his body resting
against mine. Still uncertain, waiting for each other, trying not to
go too fast or too slow.
I don't know for certain that he likes to be submissive to me. He
seems to, leading me on like he does.
Fourth night together, and he's at my place again, and it's almost a
pattern. The first two at his place, sparse for a kid's apartment,
empty even in the dark.
Not that my place is really so much better, but...I don't know.
Maybe it's just because it's mine, or because I'm older. Or
something.
Something's up with him tonight. He's distracted and has that
tiredness looped across him again. I touch his face and he starts,
like he was daydreaming.
"Speed? You okay?"
He sighs, face in hands, muscles taut and it hurts to look at him.
So I stroke his back like I know he likes, like I know soothes him,
feeling guilty because I'm using it to get him to talk.
"What's up?"
He speaks and doesn't look up, voice muffled and tumbled on a long
breath. "Just thinking."
"Uh...huh." Touch behind his ear, not quite willing to make him look
at me yet. "What about?"
"'Bout everything."
Oh. So he's thinking about our--whatever it is. Relationship.
Tryst. Never a good thing. And possibly...but he...no. "What about
everything?" I prod.
He *does* look at me now, of his own accord, looking slapped,
scalded, hurt and afraid at once. Looking run-down and rabbity, like
he's just proven his nickname and now huddles panting and--
Trapped. Helpless.
"I don't know."
"You're scared someone'll find out?" I'm holding him close, because
even though I'd never admit it, that makes me damn nervous too. No,
it's not against any rules. But it's just one of those things that
automatically makes you nervous. He nods, I feel it against my chest
and shoulder. "Not surprised. Ok, so tell me, Speed, what do you
think would happen?"
"H, I never even thought *this* would happen."
Poor kid. Confused as all hell. Damn. But what do I say now? I
never thought I'd be sitting on my couch with my coworker, never
thought Speed even *liked* me, let alone that he'd lie belly-up and
vulnerable to me, trusting me. I never thought it either.
He's silent again for a long time, and that's fine with me. I can
damn near hear the muscles in my back unwinding, Speed's arms sliding
around my ribs. He kisses my throat, my lips, looks at me with a
question in his eyes. Nothing to do with words, a question I don't
understand. I don't know what he's asking.
"I *did* want this." Half to himself, as though trying to reaffirm
something. "I..."
Yet now he looks down, an empty, far away look on his face. I feel
his fingers grip the back of my shirt tightly.
Nuzzle his face and stroke his hair, finger the stubble along his
jaw. "You what?"
The question is back in earnest, darkening his eyes. "You won't
leave, will you?"
Oh, something tells me this is important. Something in him hinges on
the answer to this question, an answer I don't know, what can I say
that'll push it the right way, what the hell *is* the right way,
anyhow?
against mine. Still uncertain, waiting for each other, trying not to
go too fast or too slow.
I don't know for certain that he likes to be submissive to me. He
seems to, leading me on like he does.
Fourth night together, and he's at my place again, and it's almost a
pattern. The first two at his place, sparse for a kid's apartment,
empty even in the dark.
Not that my place is really so much better, but...I don't know.
Maybe it's just because it's mine, or because I'm older. Or
something.
Something's up with him tonight. He's distracted and has that
tiredness looped across him again. I touch his face and he starts,
like he was daydreaming.
"Speed? You okay?"
He sighs, face in hands, muscles taut and it hurts to look at him.
So I stroke his back like I know he likes, like I know soothes him,
feeling guilty because I'm using it to get him to talk.
"What's up?"
He speaks and doesn't look up, voice muffled and tumbled on a long
breath. "Just thinking."
"Uh...huh." Touch behind his ear, not quite willing to make him look
at me yet. "What about?"
"'Bout everything."
Oh. So he's thinking about our--whatever it is. Relationship.
Tryst. Never a good thing. And possibly...but he...no. "What about
everything?" I prod.
He *does* look at me now, of his own accord, looking slapped,
scalded, hurt and afraid at once. Looking run-down and rabbity, like
he's just proven his nickname and now huddles panting and--
Trapped. Helpless.
"I don't know."
"You're scared someone'll find out?" I'm holding him close, because
even though I'd never admit it, that makes me damn nervous too. No,
it's not against any rules. But it's just one of those things that
automatically makes you nervous. He nods, I feel it against my chest
and shoulder. "Not surprised. Ok, so tell me, Speed, what do you
think would happen?"
"H, I never even thought *this* would happen."
Poor kid. Confused as all hell. Damn. But what do I say now? I
never thought I'd be sitting on my couch with my coworker, never
thought Speed even *liked* me, let alone that he'd lie belly-up and
vulnerable to me, trusting me. I never thought it either.
He's silent again for a long time, and that's fine with me. I can
damn near hear the muscles in my back unwinding, Speed's arms sliding
around my ribs. He kisses my throat, my lips, looks at me with a
question in his eyes. Nothing to do with words, a question I don't
understand. I don't know what he's asking.
"I *did* want this." Half to himself, as though trying to reaffirm
something. "I..."
Yet now he looks down, an empty, far away look on his face. I feel
his fingers grip the back of my shirt tightly.
Nuzzle his face and stroke his hair, finger the stubble along his
jaw. "You what?"
The question is back in earnest, darkening his eyes. "You won't
leave, will you?"
Oh, something tells me this is important. Something in him hinges on
the answer to this question, an answer I don't know, what can I say
that'll push it the right way, what the hell *is* the right way,
anyhow?