Chapter 9: In which there is more evidence that we are in an alternate
universe.
Half an hour after Weiss came back into the room, ignoring Vaughn's demands to tell him what was going on, Vaughn's cell phone beeped. Peering down, he noted that it was Jack's number. "Oh no."
"What?"
"That's Jack."
"Better pick up. Get it over with it."
"Hello, Jack," Vaughn said woodenly and then felt his spine snap to attention when Irina Derevko's cool voice said, "Agent Vaughn?"
"Why are you using Jack's phone?" he demanded, imagining the worst.
She laughed. "Are you imagining that I somehow overpowered Jack Bristow just to steal his cell phone?"
"Well, yeah."
"No. Nokia doesn't make covers in prison chic, so Jack loaned me his. Voluntarily. He's standing right here, in case you want to check."
"Yes, I do."
"So lacking in trust, Agent Vaughn. How...ironic," Irina murmured.
Jack sighed into the phone. "Vaughn, it's fine. I gave Irina the phone. She wants to talk to you. Give you the benefit of some hard-won life experience, she says. Personally, I just cannot wait to hear SUCH pearls of wisdom from the Dear Abby of the KGB," he finished in his usual sarcastic tone.
"Jack, I told you!"
"Shut up and talk."
"Shut up and talk? That makes no sense! Do you ever listen to yourself?"
"Argh! You're wasting my anytime minutes. Just tell him---"
Holding the phone away from his ear, Vaughn stared at it.
"Are they going at it again?" Weiss asked.
Vaughn nodded, "Yeah. It would just be better if Jack nailed her already."
"No kidding. But maybe it's the other way around. Maybe she needs to nail him. But what with those monitors on 24/7...."
"Syd probably wouldn't want to see that when she reviews her mom's tapes, would she?"
"Uh, no. Judging by how she weirded out when I said that her dad wanted to-- -"
"You did not say that to her! You freak."
"I forget she's not one of the guys sometimes."
Vaughn stared at him in astonishment.
"Yeah, there are those of us, who while we can acknowledge that Syd is a beautiful woman, can get past the point of drooling." When Vaughn made no comment, Weiss continued, "Whatever. Like I'm the only one who would do anything to get Jack Bristow in a better mood? After what we've dealt with ever since Irina came back into his life? There would be a line going around the Op Center to participate in anything that would get that ballbuster off our backs. Maybe we'll have to see what we can do about those monitors."
Vaughn laughed.
"I'm serious," Weiss nodded. He asserted, "Another clandestine operation with the Bristows? Or rather, FOR the Bristows? Count me in this time."
"Really?" Vaughn asked incredulously.
"Sure. ANYTHING to get Jack Bristow in a better mood. God, just once I'd like to get home in time to see Letterman, instead of going over reports on the Balkans or ballistic analysis of some new explosive he's devised in his spare time or whatever other torture he assigns us. But really, can you believe he's letting her use up this many anytime minutes? He never lets me borrow his phone."
Vaughn laughed, "Well, I don't think it's your prison chic pants Bristow wants to get into, is it?"
Weiss shook his head. Vaughn listened to his phone and finally held up a finger, indicating he should be quiet, that the battling Bristows were done. Irina once again had control of the phone.
"Agent Vaughn!" Irina demanded breathlessly, leading Vaughn to wonder just the two of them had been doing. Wouldn't that be just perfect if Irina and Jack got together before he and Syd? Just perfect. He wiped his hand over his face and asked resignedly,"Yes?"
"Sorry for the interruption. I'll be quick since Jack is concerned about his cell phone bill." Her voice dripped with disdain. He could hear Jack practically growling in the background. Boy, the women in that family knew how to yank chains. Focus, Michael, she's talking.. " I called to tell you that aside from the fact that the two of us would cheerfully gut you for hurting our little girl...." Vaughn swallowed. "The truth of the matter is, as we all know, that you love her. And she loves you."
He felt his jaw drop. "Are you kidding?"
"No. Are you blind as well as stupid? What am I saying? You. Are. A. Man." She snorted.
They heard Jack say warningly, "Irina, get to the point."
"Okay, here it is. The first thing you need to do, the most important thing you need to do, is apologize for hurting her. Just apologize, honestly and sincerely. You've already taken your punishment, so hopefully once you apologize...."
"Wait a minute, 'I've already taken my punishment.' Did you give Sydney the idea?"
"Why does everyone assume I gave Sydney the idea? She's a woman, isn't she? Any woman with an ounce of self respect and ingenuity can figure out how to skewer a man without anyone's help. And it's not like she blew up a building in Madagascar because she was angry, like her father. Or gave you a necklace laced with C4. Or threw you out of a train going over a canyon. Or...Aak!"
Jack clearly had grabbed the phone, but was addressing Irina."Or pistol- whipped you in front of her slimey ex-lover, right, Irina?" Putting his mouth to the phone, he said gruffly to Vaughn, "Two things, Michael."
"Yes?" he asked with a certain amount of trepidation.
In that silken, menacing voice that had no doubt made more grown men wet their pants than the sight of a knife at their throat, Jack asked, "You hurt my little girl again? That building I blew up in Madagascar? Next time, I'll wait until you step inside to hit the detonation switch. Are we clear? Perfectly clear? No misunderstandings?"
"No, sir, no misunderstandings." Should he stand and salute, he wondered? Weiss looked at him sharply, while Vaughn wiped the sweat off his brow. And wondered, why of all the women in the world, was he hopelessly in love with the daughter of Jack Bristow and Irina Derevko? Was this some kind of cosmic joke?
In the background he could hear Irina laughing. This kind of conversation probably passed for foreplay between those two, he thought morosely. Hell, maybe when Jack had thrown Irina from that train......His train of thought, (and wow, wasn't it totally inappropriate, he realized), was interrupted by Jack.
"And one last thing." Jack began.
Weiss had watched as Vaughn's face whitened during the course of the conversation. Finally, Vaughn pulled his phone away from his ear and just stared at it. Slowly, he reached out and pressed the 'end' button. He turned his head and stared at Weiss, who raised his eyebrow.
"What? Jack threatened you with mayhem?" Weiss guessed.
Vaughn shrugged, "Of course. That goes without saying."
"Well, then.......?"
Vaughn shook his head as if to clear it and stared off. "Weiss? What year is it?"
"2003. Why?"
"What planet are we on?"
"I am currently living on the planet Earth. How about you?"
"I believe.I believe I am living in an alternate universe, where nothing is quite the way it should be."
"Huh?"
"Jack Bristow.....Jack Bristow just told me, 'Good luck, son. You'll need it.'"
They stared at each other.
Weiss said slowly and carefully, "Jack Bristow called you 'son.' He used the word 'son.'"
Vaughn confirmed it with a nod.
"He wished you luck in winning back Sydney." Weiss continued.
Another nod.
They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Weiss opined, "There is only one explanation for this and that bizarro-world conversation Syd just had with Jack and Irina. You are correct. We are living in an alternate universe. What's next?"
Vaughn mumbled, "Pigs will fly and you'll act like a mature adult."
"I heard that! And I'll have you know I have had my mature moments on this trip. So, watch out for the pigs." Weiss noted. Then looking over at the exhaustion on his friend's face, he said, "This has been a long day."
"No kidding. It started out with Alice asking me if I were gay and ended with Jack calling me 'son.'"
"And inbetween --"
"Sydney out for blood and you assisting her with the scalpels."
"If it's any consolation, I don't think Sydney really enjoyed it." Weiss argued.
"Oh, YES she did," Vaughn disagreed with a quirk of his mouth.
"Well, maybe a little."
They looked at each other and began to laugh. Weiss got up and went over to the minibar. Taking out two beers, he handed one to Vaughn, who asked in surprise, "I thought you didn't want me to drink?"
Weiss shrugged and said, "One beer is hardly going to get you drunk. And you deserve it after today. Plus, maybe it will help you sleep. As exhausted as you are, I don't think it's going to be easy to drift off tonight, is it?"
"No. You're right. And if today was any indication, tomorrow isn't going to be---"
"Don't worry. I think Syd is done."
"What makes you think that?"
"Oh, I think she got it all out of her system today. But regardless, I think tomorrow you'll do what you have to in order to resolve this."
"And, what pray tell, O Wise One, would that be?" Vaughn asked sarcastically.
"Three steps. First, apologize. Two, be honest with each other. Three, kiss the girl." Weiss took a swig from his bottle.
Vaughn nodded and agreed, "Sounds like a plan to me." He raised the bottle to his lips.
Half an hour after Weiss came back into the room, ignoring Vaughn's demands to tell him what was going on, Vaughn's cell phone beeped. Peering down, he noted that it was Jack's number. "Oh no."
"What?"
"That's Jack."
"Better pick up. Get it over with it."
"Hello, Jack," Vaughn said woodenly and then felt his spine snap to attention when Irina Derevko's cool voice said, "Agent Vaughn?"
"Why are you using Jack's phone?" he demanded, imagining the worst.
She laughed. "Are you imagining that I somehow overpowered Jack Bristow just to steal his cell phone?"
"Well, yeah."
"No. Nokia doesn't make covers in prison chic, so Jack loaned me his. Voluntarily. He's standing right here, in case you want to check."
"Yes, I do."
"So lacking in trust, Agent Vaughn. How...ironic," Irina murmured.
Jack sighed into the phone. "Vaughn, it's fine. I gave Irina the phone. She wants to talk to you. Give you the benefit of some hard-won life experience, she says. Personally, I just cannot wait to hear SUCH pearls of wisdom from the Dear Abby of the KGB," he finished in his usual sarcastic tone.
"Jack, I told you!"
"Shut up and talk."
"Shut up and talk? That makes no sense! Do you ever listen to yourself?"
"Argh! You're wasting my anytime minutes. Just tell him---"
Holding the phone away from his ear, Vaughn stared at it.
"Are they going at it again?" Weiss asked.
Vaughn nodded, "Yeah. It would just be better if Jack nailed her already."
"No kidding. But maybe it's the other way around. Maybe she needs to nail him. But what with those monitors on 24/7...."
"Syd probably wouldn't want to see that when she reviews her mom's tapes, would she?"
"Uh, no. Judging by how she weirded out when I said that her dad wanted to-- -"
"You did not say that to her! You freak."
"I forget she's not one of the guys sometimes."
Vaughn stared at him in astonishment.
"Yeah, there are those of us, who while we can acknowledge that Syd is a beautiful woman, can get past the point of drooling." When Vaughn made no comment, Weiss continued, "Whatever. Like I'm the only one who would do anything to get Jack Bristow in a better mood? After what we've dealt with ever since Irina came back into his life? There would be a line going around the Op Center to participate in anything that would get that ballbuster off our backs. Maybe we'll have to see what we can do about those monitors."
Vaughn laughed.
"I'm serious," Weiss nodded. He asserted, "Another clandestine operation with the Bristows? Or rather, FOR the Bristows? Count me in this time."
"Really?" Vaughn asked incredulously.
"Sure. ANYTHING to get Jack Bristow in a better mood. God, just once I'd like to get home in time to see Letterman, instead of going over reports on the Balkans or ballistic analysis of some new explosive he's devised in his spare time or whatever other torture he assigns us. But really, can you believe he's letting her use up this many anytime minutes? He never lets me borrow his phone."
Vaughn laughed, "Well, I don't think it's your prison chic pants Bristow wants to get into, is it?"
Weiss shook his head. Vaughn listened to his phone and finally held up a finger, indicating he should be quiet, that the battling Bristows were done. Irina once again had control of the phone.
"Agent Vaughn!" Irina demanded breathlessly, leading Vaughn to wonder just the two of them had been doing. Wouldn't that be just perfect if Irina and Jack got together before he and Syd? Just perfect. He wiped his hand over his face and asked resignedly,"Yes?"
"Sorry for the interruption. I'll be quick since Jack is concerned about his cell phone bill." Her voice dripped with disdain. He could hear Jack practically growling in the background. Boy, the women in that family knew how to yank chains. Focus, Michael, she's talking.. " I called to tell you that aside from the fact that the two of us would cheerfully gut you for hurting our little girl...." Vaughn swallowed. "The truth of the matter is, as we all know, that you love her. And she loves you."
He felt his jaw drop. "Are you kidding?"
"No. Are you blind as well as stupid? What am I saying? You. Are. A. Man." She snorted.
They heard Jack say warningly, "Irina, get to the point."
"Okay, here it is. The first thing you need to do, the most important thing you need to do, is apologize for hurting her. Just apologize, honestly and sincerely. You've already taken your punishment, so hopefully once you apologize...."
"Wait a minute, 'I've already taken my punishment.' Did you give Sydney the idea?"
"Why does everyone assume I gave Sydney the idea? She's a woman, isn't she? Any woman with an ounce of self respect and ingenuity can figure out how to skewer a man without anyone's help. And it's not like she blew up a building in Madagascar because she was angry, like her father. Or gave you a necklace laced with C4. Or threw you out of a train going over a canyon. Or...Aak!"
Jack clearly had grabbed the phone, but was addressing Irina."Or pistol- whipped you in front of her slimey ex-lover, right, Irina?" Putting his mouth to the phone, he said gruffly to Vaughn, "Two things, Michael."
"Yes?" he asked with a certain amount of trepidation.
In that silken, menacing voice that had no doubt made more grown men wet their pants than the sight of a knife at their throat, Jack asked, "You hurt my little girl again? That building I blew up in Madagascar? Next time, I'll wait until you step inside to hit the detonation switch. Are we clear? Perfectly clear? No misunderstandings?"
"No, sir, no misunderstandings." Should he stand and salute, he wondered? Weiss looked at him sharply, while Vaughn wiped the sweat off his brow. And wondered, why of all the women in the world, was he hopelessly in love with the daughter of Jack Bristow and Irina Derevko? Was this some kind of cosmic joke?
In the background he could hear Irina laughing. This kind of conversation probably passed for foreplay between those two, he thought morosely. Hell, maybe when Jack had thrown Irina from that train......His train of thought, (and wow, wasn't it totally inappropriate, he realized), was interrupted by Jack.
"And one last thing." Jack began.
Weiss had watched as Vaughn's face whitened during the course of the conversation. Finally, Vaughn pulled his phone away from his ear and just stared at it. Slowly, he reached out and pressed the 'end' button. He turned his head and stared at Weiss, who raised his eyebrow.
"What? Jack threatened you with mayhem?" Weiss guessed.
Vaughn shrugged, "Of course. That goes without saying."
"Well, then.......?"
Vaughn shook his head as if to clear it and stared off. "Weiss? What year is it?"
"2003. Why?"
"What planet are we on?"
"I am currently living on the planet Earth. How about you?"
"I believe.I believe I am living in an alternate universe, where nothing is quite the way it should be."
"Huh?"
"Jack Bristow.....Jack Bristow just told me, 'Good luck, son. You'll need it.'"
They stared at each other.
Weiss said slowly and carefully, "Jack Bristow called you 'son.' He used the word 'son.'"
Vaughn confirmed it with a nod.
"He wished you luck in winning back Sydney." Weiss continued.
Another nod.
They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Weiss opined, "There is only one explanation for this and that bizarro-world conversation Syd just had with Jack and Irina. You are correct. We are living in an alternate universe. What's next?"
Vaughn mumbled, "Pigs will fly and you'll act like a mature adult."
"I heard that! And I'll have you know I have had my mature moments on this trip. So, watch out for the pigs." Weiss noted. Then looking over at the exhaustion on his friend's face, he said, "This has been a long day."
"No kidding. It started out with Alice asking me if I were gay and ended with Jack calling me 'son.'"
"And inbetween --"
"Sydney out for blood and you assisting her with the scalpels."
"If it's any consolation, I don't think Sydney really enjoyed it." Weiss argued.
"Oh, YES she did," Vaughn disagreed with a quirk of his mouth.
"Well, maybe a little."
They looked at each other and began to laugh. Weiss got up and went over to the minibar. Taking out two beers, he handed one to Vaughn, who asked in surprise, "I thought you didn't want me to drink?"
Weiss shrugged and said, "One beer is hardly going to get you drunk. And you deserve it after today. Plus, maybe it will help you sleep. As exhausted as you are, I don't think it's going to be easy to drift off tonight, is it?"
"No. You're right. And if today was any indication, tomorrow isn't going to be---"
"Don't worry. I think Syd is done."
"What makes you think that?"
"Oh, I think she got it all out of her system today. But regardless, I think tomorrow you'll do what you have to in order to resolve this."
"And, what pray tell, O Wise One, would that be?" Vaughn asked sarcastically.
"Three steps. First, apologize. Two, be honest with each other. Three, kiss the girl." Weiss took a swig from his bottle.
Vaughn nodded and agreed, "Sounds like a plan to me." He raised the bottle to his lips.