Chapter 11: in which Weiss reminds Vaughn of the stinkin' plan. Oh, and the
mission. (Like we really care about the mission.)
"So, 'kiss the girl'?," Vaughn asked as he walked in the room.
"Hey, good advice is good advice. Whether it comes from me, Jack, Irina or a lobster, you'd have to be a fool not to take it when it was offered. But, did you also----"
"Everything's fine," Vaughn said with a huge grin as he closed the door behind him. He was surprised when Weiss did not return it.
"EVERYthing's fine? Do you really think so?"
"Sure."
"Wait a minute. There is no way in those 30 minutes that you went through all three steps in the plan. NO freakin' way in 30 minutes did you made up for months of anxiety, anger, distress...whatever you want to call it. No matter how good a kisser you think you are, how much French you whisper in her ear." He laughed when Vaughn turned red. Then continued, "Especially since -- how long did it take you to get up the courage to do step 1?"
"Alright, already. So, maybe I skipped step 2. You know, after all this time, maybe I was in a hurry to get to step 3 and ---"
"You skipped step 2? That's almost as important as step 1! Remember that whole issue of trust? And you think a woman like Syd is just going to accept your apology and that'll be the end of it? You think all Irina has to do is apologize to Jack and he'll say, 'Sure, let's let bygones be bygones. What kind of flowers do you want for our anniversary?'" Weiss slanted a look of derision in his friend's direction before continuing, "Yeah, right. Syd is Jack's daughter in more ways than one. C'mon! Stop thinking with your dick!"
Suddenly they heard Syd say, "Hey, I CAN hear you two!"
"s***," the two men said simultaneously, glaring at each other.
Vaughn continued, as if there had been no interruption, "No, YOU c'mon. I think I can handle it from ---"
"No, YOU c'mon. You handled it like crap for months. The only reason you were locking lips with her now is because she had the guts to provoke you yesterday and I.....Well, never mind. You owe it to her and all of us in the audience to explain."
"Mind your own business, Weiss," Vaughn snarled.
"Like minding my own business got you and Syd where?" When Vaughn gave him a hard, speculative look, Weiss quickly glanced at his watch, "Crap, we're out of time. We need to get going. Mission, remember?"
"Yeah. Hey, I keep forgetting. What's our goal on this mission, anyway?"
"At this point, I have no freaking clue anymore. It seems like it's become the 'Syd and Vaughn - how-can-we-get-them-together-show'."
"Hey, that's a worthy endeavor."
"Yeah. From your perspective. I feel like the lobster in that movie. Always trying to get the boy and girl together and spending half my time just trying to evade the cook who wants to boil me."
"Who's the cook?"
"It's a kids' movie, you idiot, stop with the analogies. But hey, Syd's shirt - that Ariel is a babe, isn't she?"
"No kidding. I told Syd that, but she didn't get it."
"Nah, it's a guy thing. But I hope you didn't compare her to a cartoon character," Weiss warned.
"Are you nuts? I am not that stupid."
"Really? Then why WERE you going out with Alice when Syd-"
"Drop it."
"I'll drop it as soon as we all hear an explanation."
Vaughn sighed. "You'll hear an explanation as soon as I figure it out myself."
"Well, there's always the old standby."
"Male stupidity?"
"Yeah. Works for me all the time." Weiss shrugged.
"I think that's because, for you, it's totally believable all the time."
"Really? So, tell me. How's Astrid these days?"
"Arggggh."
"So, 'kiss the girl'?," Vaughn asked as he walked in the room.
"Hey, good advice is good advice. Whether it comes from me, Jack, Irina or a lobster, you'd have to be a fool not to take it when it was offered. But, did you also----"
"Everything's fine," Vaughn said with a huge grin as he closed the door behind him. He was surprised when Weiss did not return it.
"EVERYthing's fine? Do you really think so?"
"Sure."
"Wait a minute. There is no way in those 30 minutes that you went through all three steps in the plan. NO freakin' way in 30 minutes did you made up for months of anxiety, anger, distress...whatever you want to call it. No matter how good a kisser you think you are, how much French you whisper in her ear." He laughed when Vaughn turned red. Then continued, "Especially since -- how long did it take you to get up the courage to do step 1?"
"Alright, already. So, maybe I skipped step 2. You know, after all this time, maybe I was in a hurry to get to step 3 and ---"
"You skipped step 2? That's almost as important as step 1! Remember that whole issue of trust? And you think a woman like Syd is just going to accept your apology and that'll be the end of it? You think all Irina has to do is apologize to Jack and he'll say, 'Sure, let's let bygones be bygones. What kind of flowers do you want for our anniversary?'" Weiss slanted a look of derision in his friend's direction before continuing, "Yeah, right. Syd is Jack's daughter in more ways than one. C'mon! Stop thinking with your dick!"
Suddenly they heard Syd say, "Hey, I CAN hear you two!"
"s***," the two men said simultaneously, glaring at each other.
Vaughn continued, as if there had been no interruption, "No, YOU c'mon. I think I can handle it from ---"
"No, YOU c'mon. You handled it like crap for months. The only reason you were locking lips with her now is because she had the guts to provoke you yesterday and I.....Well, never mind. You owe it to her and all of us in the audience to explain."
"Mind your own business, Weiss," Vaughn snarled.
"Like minding my own business got you and Syd where?" When Vaughn gave him a hard, speculative look, Weiss quickly glanced at his watch, "Crap, we're out of time. We need to get going. Mission, remember?"
"Yeah. Hey, I keep forgetting. What's our goal on this mission, anyway?"
"At this point, I have no freaking clue anymore. It seems like it's become the 'Syd and Vaughn - how-can-we-get-them-together-show'."
"Hey, that's a worthy endeavor."
"Yeah. From your perspective. I feel like the lobster in that movie. Always trying to get the boy and girl together and spending half my time just trying to evade the cook who wants to boil me."
"Who's the cook?"
"It's a kids' movie, you idiot, stop with the analogies. But hey, Syd's shirt - that Ariel is a babe, isn't she?"
"No kidding. I told Syd that, but she didn't get it."
"Nah, it's a guy thing. But I hope you didn't compare her to a cartoon character," Weiss warned.
"Are you nuts? I am not that stupid."
"Really? Then why WERE you going out with Alice when Syd-"
"Drop it."
"I'll drop it as soon as we all hear an explanation."
Vaughn sighed. "You'll hear an explanation as soon as I figure it out myself."
"Well, there's always the old standby."
"Male stupidity?"
"Yeah. Works for me all the time." Weiss shrugged.
"I think that's because, for you, it's totally believable all the time."
"Really? So, tell me. How's Astrid these days?"
"Arggggh."