Chapter 12: in which there are volcano analogies?
After a full day of running all over Maui, picking up intel at twenty different locations, all the while watching Sydney grow more and more quiet, Vaughn had had enough. He exploded, "What the hell is wrong with this joker of a contact? I am sick and tired of this scavenger hunt we've been on ALL day!"
Barclay and Washington, sitting with him in the van, stared at him in open- mouthed astonishment. They looked at each other, then Barclay got up and exited the van. Washington gave him a dirty look. "Uh, Agent Vaughn, it may have escaped your notice, but isn't that what being an agent is about? Playing scavenger hunt? Picking up clues and following them to the next? But maybe it's more like that game Mousetrap? Or Stratego?"
"Who ARE you? Weiss' long-lost brother?" Vaughn expostulated. "And did I ask for your opinion? Don't you know a rhetorical question when you hear it?" Then he heard himself and winced as Washington also bolted from the van. Fabulous, he was driving everyone away. And there went his reputation for staying cool under fire. Especially when poor Barclay and Washington had not a clue, he hoped, about the fire he was trying to put out. But then again, neither did he.
Why was Syd so quiet? He'd truly thought when he apologized (and when she kissed him) that it would really be all but settled. And early this morning she'd been all smiles. At first, when she got quiet, he'd thought she was just as annoyed as he was on this stupid assignment. But then he'd watch her jaw grow tighter and tighter. Weiss thought he didn't know Syd well enough, but he knew what it meant when the bones of her face stood out like that. She was pissed. At someone, not the situation, at someone. Like he didn't know who. But like a typical woman, was she telling him why? No. Of course not. He should just know!
Oh, who the hell was he kidding? He knew. That stinking step 2. He'd thought, hoped he could skip step 2. But, then again, Jack had wished him luck, told him he would need it. And Jack knew strategy. That meant it would not be that easy, didn't it? And Weiss.Weiss couldn't be right, could he? C'mon, that would be too much. He sunk his head into his hands and didn't even look up when the door to the van opened.
He wanted to groan when the door to the van closed and Weiss began speaking. "You know what your problem is?"
"That I don't know how to pick my friends? That the friends I have, one in particular, don't know when to shut up?" Vaughn asked sarcastically.
"You may have not noticed, given that your brain was working in overdrive to avoid the obvious, but I did not say one word, not ONE word, in your ear today about Syd and you. And we see where that got you."
"My brain was working overtime to handle all of the endless running around, looking for intel in some idiotic place this joker of a contact thought up to hide it - I mean, what is it with this guy? Does he really think we're on a honeymoon and is trying to give us a full tour of the island, or what? And what IS the goal of this mission? I'm still not sure."
"Hey, I thought Haleakala was amazing. The size of that crater was something else. Almost approximated the size of the hole you're digging yourself into today."
Vaughn ignored the last comment. It was often wise to ignore Weiss' comments. "Yeah, you weren't the one walking across it with a backpack the size of a small child with a woman who wasn't talking. And it was so dry out there. And the cold too? On Hawaii? Who would have ever thought something that once was as hot and molten as a volcano could end up so cold - at least early in the morning?"
Weiss gave him a look and then cracked up.
"What? What's so funny?" Vaughn asked irritably.
"Talk about analogies." Weiss choked out.
"I still don't get it." Vaughn said.
"Dormant volcano? Syd? Still don't get it? Okay, moving on. Since you did so very well without my help today," Weiss said with maximum sarcasm, "I get to exercise my rights to make comments now."
Vaughn groaned. Weiss continued, "Because I don't really think you are a coward, I don't think you're avoiding giving her an explanation because you're afraid that she really could kick your butt."
"Hey!" Vaughn protested.
"Kidding. Surrre, you could take her. Uh-huh. Maybe. On a really good day. When she's not mad. In other words, not today. And did you forget that women fight dirty? Between her parents, Syd must know every dirty trick in the book!"
"Are you done with your expository admiration for Syd's martial arts abilities? What does that have to do with anything?"
"I'm not the one whose butt is in danger of a kicking. Forget it. Anyway, she would never hurt you, at least physically. Focus, like Jack says. Let's get back on topic. The topic is step two: the explanation. The problem is that you don't know why you did what you did. You better figure it out. The sooner the better. The writers never gave us an explanation, so you're on your own."
"Don't you think if I knew, had one idea.. I mean, it makes no sense."
"You have no idea? Okay, let's bat this around for a minute or two or three. And let me remind you that one of the great things about being a guy is that you're not supposed to have to have relationship conversations with each other. What's next, exchanging gift bags from Bath and Body Works?" When Vaughn just stared at him, Weiss continued, "If you must know, I could use a new loofah. And possibly some of their new vanilla-scented foot lotion. It's divine on the calluses."
Vaughn looked ready to explode. Weiss laughed. Vaughn growled.
"Okay. Jack suggested that you were compartmentalizing, putting work in one box, Syd in one box, and what you deemed 'personal' in a third box. How does that work for you? Syd was a little skeptical, but maybe.."
"Wait a minute. Jack said what?"
"Are you paying attention or are you still contemplating the lotion selection at Bath and Body Works?"
"I swear to God.."
"Jack said that you were disconnecting each part of your life from the other once you decided that the two of you could not be together."
"I think..that's probably true. Damn it! Jack Bristow knows me better than..But Syd was skeptical of that?"
"Yeah. So was Irina."
"Okay, I see a gender gap here. What's up with that?"
"It's the issue of why you were making googoo eyes at Syd while you were going out with Alice."
"Did Jack have an explanation for that?"
"Nope. In fact, he wanted to know too. In fact, he was really curious about that issue. In fact, ---"
"He thinks that's pretty scummy and that's why he wants to blow me up like that cottage in Madagascar."
"Yup. And the fact that Jack Bristow, not widely known for his concern over the finer points of ethics, thinks you did something scummy ---"
"Not a good thing."
"Nope. Definitely not boy scout material."
"Well, I'm definitely not prepared to answer the question yet."
"You better get prepared. Syd is getting ready to blow."
"How can YOU tell?"
"Why do you think she's been so quiet? She's WAITING for you to talk! And I caught a glimpse of her face every time you two stopped. When her cheekbones stick out like that, it means someone is going to get their butt whipped soon. Or she's going to just collapse. Come on! In case it's escaped your attention the mission ends in a few days. It'd be nice to tie this all up by the time we're back in LA. Wouldn't it?"
"Yes."
"And I don't really want to explain to Jack and Irina why you two didn't make up."
"Oh. Good incentive."
"The best, my friend, the best. Now, if you're done frightening the children, we need to get a move on and go back to the hotel and get ready for the scuba work. Who knows, maybe if you're lucky, when you're underwater you can meet Sebastian and he'll give you more advice."
"The last thing I need is to meet some crustacean with big claws."
"Yeah, I can see that. You're ALREADY acting like something has your balls in a vise."
After a full day of running all over Maui, picking up intel at twenty different locations, all the while watching Sydney grow more and more quiet, Vaughn had had enough. He exploded, "What the hell is wrong with this joker of a contact? I am sick and tired of this scavenger hunt we've been on ALL day!"
Barclay and Washington, sitting with him in the van, stared at him in open- mouthed astonishment. They looked at each other, then Barclay got up and exited the van. Washington gave him a dirty look. "Uh, Agent Vaughn, it may have escaped your notice, but isn't that what being an agent is about? Playing scavenger hunt? Picking up clues and following them to the next? But maybe it's more like that game Mousetrap? Or Stratego?"
"Who ARE you? Weiss' long-lost brother?" Vaughn expostulated. "And did I ask for your opinion? Don't you know a rhetorical question when you hear it?" Then he heard himself and winced as Washington also bolted from the van. Fabulous, he was driving everyone away. And there went his reputation for staying cool under fire. Especially when poor Barclay and Washington had not a clue, he hoped, about the fire he was trying to put out. But then again, neither did he.
Why was Syd so quiet? He'd truly thought when he apologized (and when she kissed him) that it would really be all but settled. And early this morning she'd been all smiles. At first, when she got quiet, he'd thought she was just as annoyed as he was on this stupid assignment. But then he'd watch her jaw grow tighter and tighter. Weiss thought he didn't know Syd well enough, but he knew what it meant when the bones of her face stood out like that. She was pissed. At someone, not the situation, at someone. Like he didn't know who. But like a typical woman, was she telling him why? No. Of course not. He should just know!
Oh, who the hell was he kidding? He knew. That stinking step 2. He'd thought, hoped he could skip step 2. But, then again, Jack had wished him luck, told him he would need it. And Jack knew strategy. That meant it would not be that easy, didn't it? And Weiss.Weiss couldn't be right, could he? C'mon, that would be too much. He sunk his head into his hands and didn't even look up when the door to the van opened.
He wanted to groan when the door to the van closed and Weiss began speaking. "You know what your problem is?"
"That I don't know how to pick my friends? That the friends I have, one in particular, don't know when to shut up?" Vaughn asked sarcastically.
"You may have not noticed, given that your brain was working in overdrive to avoid the obvious, but I did not say one word, not ONE word, in your ear today about Syd and you. And we see where that got you."
"My brain was working overtime to handle all of the endless running around, looking for intel in some idiotic place this joker of a contact thought up to hide it - I mean, what is it with this guy? Does he really think we're on a honeymoon and is trying to give us a full tour of the island, or what? And what IS the goal of this mission? I'm still not sure."
"Hey, I thought Haleakala was amazing. The size of that crater was something else. Almost approximated the size of the hole you're digging yourself into today."
Vaughn ignored the last comment. It was often wise to ignore Weiss' comments. "Yeah, you weren't the one walking across it with a backpack the size of a small child with a woman who wasn't talking. And it was so dry out there. And the cold too? On Hawaii? Who would have ever thought something that once was as hot and molten as a volcano could end up so cold - at least early in the morning?"
Weiss gave him a look and then cracked up.
"What? What's so funny?" Vaughn asked irritably.
"Talk about analogies." Weiss choked out.
"I still don't get it." Vaughn said.
"Dormant volcano? Syd? Still don't get it? Okay, moving on. Since you did so very well without my help today," Weiss said with maximum sarcasm, "I get to exercise my rights to make comments now."
Vaughn groaned. Weiss continued, "Because I don't really think you are a coward, I don't think you're avoiding giving her an explanation because you're afraid that she really could kick your butt."
"Hey!" Vaughn protested.
"Kidding. Surrre, you could take her. Uh-huh. Maybe. On a really good day. When she's not mad. In other words, not today. And did you forget that women fight dirty? Between her parents, Syd must know every dirty trick in the book!"
"Are you done with your expository admiration for Syd's martial arts abilities? What does that have to do with anything?"
"I'm not the one whose butt is in danger of a kicking. Forget it. Anyway, she would never hurt you, at least physically. Focus, like Jack says. Let's get back on topic. The topic is step two: the explanation. The problem is that you don't know why you did what you did. You better figure it out. The sooner the better. The writers never gave us an explanation, so you're on your own."
"Don't you think if I knew, had one idea.. I mean, it makes no sense."
"You have no idea? Okay, let's bat this around for a minute or two or three. And let me remind you that one of the great things about being a guy is that you're not supposed to have to have relationship conversations with each other. What's next, exchanging gift bags from Bath and Body Works?" When Vaughn just stared at him, Weiss continued, "If you must know, I could use a new loofah. And possibly some of their new vanilla-scented foot lotion. It's divine on the calluses."
Vaughn looked ready to explode. Weiss laughed. Vaughn growled.
"Okay. Jack suggested that you were compartmentalizing, putting work in one box, Syd in one box, and what you deemed 'personal' in a third box. How does that work for you? Syd was a little skeptical, but maybe.."
"Wait a minute. Jack said what?"
"Are you paying attention or are you still contemplating the lotion selection at Bath and Body Works?"
"I swear to God.."
"Jack said that you were disconnecting each part of your life from the other once you decided that the two of you could not be together."
"I think..that's probably true. Damn it! Jack Bristow knows me better than..But Syd was skeptical of that?"
"Yeah. So was Irina."
"Okay, I see a gender gap here. What's up with that?"
"It's the issue of why you were making googoo eyes at Syd while you were going out with Alice."
"Did Jack have an explanation for that?"
"Nope. In fact, he wanted to know too. In fact, he was really curious about that issue. In fact, ---"
"He thinks that's pretty scummy and that's why he wants to blow me up like that cottage in Madagascar."
"Yup. And the fact that Jack Bristow, not widely known for his concern over the finer points of ethics, thinks you did something scummy ---"
"Not a good thing."
"Nope. Definitely not boy scout material."
"Well, I'm definitely not prepared to answer the question yet."
"You better get prepared. Syd is getting ready to blow."
"How can YOU tell?"
"Why do you think she's been so quiet? She's WAITING for you to talk! And I caught a glimpse of her face every time you two stopped. When her cheekbones stick out like that, it means someone is going to get their butt whipped soon. Or she's going to just collapse. Come on! In case it's escaped your attention the mission ends in a few days. It'd be nice to tie this all up by the time we're back in LA. Wouldn't it?"
"Yes."
"And I don't really want to explain to Jack and Irina why you two didn't make up."
"Oh. Good incentive."
"The best, my friend, the best. Now, if you're done frightening the children, we need to get a move on and go back to the hotel and get ready for the scuba work. Who knows, maybe if you're lucky, when you're underwater you can meet Sebastian and he'll give you more advice."
"The last thing I need is to meet some crustacean with big claws."
"Yeah, I can see that. You're ALREADY acting like something has your balls in a vise."