Chapter 17: in which the boys eat Chinese and talk about Spiderman. It's
the seventh inning stretch.
Vaughn returned with containers of Chinese food and a bag he stuffed in a dresser drawer while Weiss called Barclay and Washington for dinner.
"Where's Syd?" Vaughn asked when the men were all eating.
"Still sleeping," Weiss mumbled with a mouth of moogogaipan. "We'll save her the cashew chicken." He swallowed, "So, tonight, the three of us will take the van again and you and Syd can take your honeymooners' car."
"Some honeymoon," Barclay quipped.
"Yeah," Washington agreed. "When a guy has to climb around on balcony railings to get a little nookie, it's pretty pathetic."
Vaughn's mouth dropped open. "What? How did you know? Weiss!"
"Well, like you think I'd let you go out there without doing any recon, making sure the area was secure? Would kind of blow our cover if you were seen sneaking out of my room back into your bride's, now wouldn't it? I had to use them," Weiss responded, matter-of-factly.
Barclay nodded. "Yeah, Vaughn, thanks a bunch. You could be moving this relationship along a little faster, you know. Washington and I didn't appreciate Weiss' early morning phone call to go out and scout the beach to make sure the coast was clear for your little Spiderman routine this morning. Although it did give us a chance to practice using that new digital camera the tech-ops created."
"Wait a minute, you all---"
"Just call us your guardian angels on this op, Vaughn. And what's your problem, anyway?" Washington asked.
"Well, first off, I don't think he's even told her how he feels yet," Weiss commented as he forked another bite in his mouth.
"Great going, boy scout," Barclay commented with a dirty look. "That's pretty basic. No one should have had to tell you that. Jack will not like this. Poor gamesmanship in his future son-in-law. He's gotta have worries about the genetics."
"Jack? What's this about Jack!" Vaughn exclaimed.
"Shh!" the other men said, looking at the connector door.
"Jack wants Syd to be happy, you fool." Weiss said acerbically.
Washington added, "And as odd as it seems to us watching you in action, or should we say inaction, you seem to be the one to make Syd happy."
"How do you know that?" Vaughn demanded.
"Jack." All three said in unison.
Vaughn said incredulously, "Jack? Jack said that? I can't believe it."
"Well, you gotta know when to approach him," Weiss commented matter-of- factly.
"And when would THAT be?" Vaughn asked.
Weiss said calmly, "After he's seen Irina. He gets all agitated and-"
"Blurts things out. Kinda like you in the van earlier today? Lose control a little around Syd, don't you?" Barclay noted.
Weiss winced and drew a line across his throat at Barclay while Vaughn was busy looking at the other man.
"Great! Now I've got the three of you giving me advice!" Vaughn frowned and everyone stared at the wrinkled expanse of his forehead. He continued, "Why, when did you even have this conversation with Jack, anyway?"
"Kendall was the one, actually. You weren't there. He went up to him one night after Jack had had another fight with the wife. He asked when the junior officers could go home, what it would take for them to be able to see THEIR wives while they were still awake. Not that it's an issue for me," Weiss sighed.
"Kendall is brave or an idiot," Barclay said with a frown.
Washington nodded. "No kidding. I vote for idiot. Although maybe jerk is more accurate. But anyway, Kendall went on to say that Jack seemed really stressed-"
"Here's a riddle: How can you tell the difference between normal Jack and really stressed Jack?" Weiss laughed.
Barclay agreed. "Yeah, the guy is wound kinda tight, isn't he? Anyway, he blurted something out about being worried about Syd, that Irina was all uptight that she wasn't happy, that when Irina was uptight---"
Vaughn said,"Then Jack's life is hell. Or another, deeper circle of hell."
Washington nodded. "Yeah. And then Kendall asks, actually asks, him what it would take to make Syd happy. As if Kendall gives a crap. And Jack rightly tells him to mind his own business, because you know if he told him one thing, Kendall being Kendall, would make sure to do the opposite. Kendall stalks off and-"
Weiss continued, "Then I, who am either stupid or have no fear, go over and ask Jack the same question. Saying as her handler and friend, I have a right to know the answer."
Barclay interjected, "We didn't know any of this at the time. Weiss, unlike, Kendall knows how to whisper. Weiss just told us today when any fool could see something big was going down, I mean on. Nothing was going down today, was it?" The other men chuckled, Vaughn groaned.
"Okay, let's get our mind out of that gutter, guys. And let me finish the story. So, I told Jack that he can trust me with the answer. Jack Bristow and trust? Yeah, right. Thought I was going to pee my pants waiting to see what would happen. And to my astonishment, Jack blurts out your name. Well, in a whisper, but still. Then turns all white, because, drumroll here, please," Weiss, Barclay and Washington used their forks to bang on the table, "Jack Bristow talked about emotions, however obliquely. Then he practically ran out of the Op Center. Probably had to go wash his mouth out after that conversation." They all nodded. Weiss thought aloud, "But wonder what he DOES do after spending time with Irina?"
Vaughn cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. The other men nodded. Then resumed eating.
"So." Vaughn trailed off.
"When we heard that you were the point man on this op, we all had hopes, Vaughn." Barclay noted.
Washington added, "Hopes that you would get your freaking act together, get together with Syd, make her happy, which would make Irina less uptight and therefore get Jack out of that current circle of hell he's in, which might, just might, result in a lighter load for us and therefore we might get home in time to have some nookie with OUR wives."
Vaughn stared at them and broke into laughter. "Hold on! You guys are putting a lot of pressure on me. I don't know if I can perform under these circumstances.."
"You better, or that picture Barclay took of you flying across the balcony in hockey puck boxers will become the Op Center screen saver when we return to the office," Weiss warned. "What should we call it, guys? Hockey Pucks on Parade?"
"Argghh," Vaughn moaned.
"I don't know," Washington commented, "I like the Spiderman analogy myself."
"Did you ever wonder about Spiderman's sex life, though?" Weiss asked. "He gets bitten by this radioactive spider and ends up with jet-propelled cobwebs that fly out of his wrists. I mean, where else.? Did you ever wonder if Mary Jane got a shock on their first night together or what? Talk about a sticky situation. And how long did Spidey and Mary Jane know each other before they did it? Does that have any impact on the..stickiness or the speed or."
The men turned and looked at Vaughn, who began laughing. "I don't want to even know the analogy here! Don't say it! Please!" Everyone cracked up.
The connector door opened and sleepy-eyed Syd asked, "So, guys, what's up?" And then looked perplexed, when all four of them broke up into nearly- hysterical laughter. Men.
Vaughn returned with containers of Chinese food and a bag he stuffed in a dresser drawer while Weiss called Barclay and Washington for dinner.
"Where's Syd?" Vaughn asked when the men were all eating.
"Still sleeping," Weiss mumbled with a mouth of moogogaipan. "We'll save her the cashew chicken." He swallowed, "So, tonight, the three of us will take the van again and you and Syd can take your honeymooners' car."
"Some honeymoon," Barclay quipped.
"Yeah," Washington agreed. "When a guy has to climb around on balcony railings to get a little nookie, it's pretty pathetic."
Vaughn's mouth dropped open. "What? How did you know? Weiss!"
"Well, like you think I'd let you go out there without doing any recon, making sure the area was secure? Would kind of blow our cover if you were seen sneaking out of my room back into your bride's, now wouldn't it? I had to use them," Weiss responded, matter-of-factly.
Barclay nodded. "Yeah, Vaughn, thanks a bunch. You could be moving this relationship along a little faster, you know. Washington and I didn't appreciate Weiss' early morning phone call to go out and scout the beach to make sure the coast was clear for your little Spiderman routine this morning. Although it did give us a chance to practice using that new digital camera the tech-ops created."
"Wait a minute, you all---"
"Just call us your guardian angels on this op, Vaughn. And what's your problem, anyway?" Washington asked.
"Well, first off, I don't think he's even told her how he feels yet," Weiss commented as he forked another bite in his mouth.
"Great going, boy scout," Barclay commented with a dirty look. "That's pretty basic. No one should have had to tell you that. Jack will not like this. Poor gamesmanship in his future son-in-law. He's gotta have worries about the genetics."
"Jack? What's this about Jack!" Vaughn exclaimed.
"Shh!" the other men said, looking at the connector door.
"Jack wants Syd to be happy, you fool." Weiss said acerbically.
Washington added, "And as odd as it seems to us watching you in action, or should we say inaction, you seem to be the one to make Syd happy."
"How do you know that?" Vaughn demanded.
"Jack." All three said in unison.
Vaughn said incredulously, "Jack? Jack said that? I can't believe it."
"Well, you gotta know when to approach him," Weiss commented matter-of- factly.
"And when would THAT be?" Vaughn asked.
Weiss said calmly, "After he's seen Irina. He gets all agitated and-"
"Blurts things out. Kinda like you in the van earlier today? Lose control a little around Syd, don't you?" Barclay noted.
Weiss winced and drew a line across his throat at Barclay while Vaughn was busy looking at the other man.
"Great! Now I've got the three of you giving me advice!" Vaughn frowned and everyone stared at the wrinkled expanse of his forehead. He continued, "Why, when did you even have this conversation with Jack, anyway?"
"Kendall was the one, actually. You weren't there. He went up to him one night after Jack had had another fight with the wife. He asked when the junior officers could go home, what it would take for them to be able to see THEIR wives while they were still awake. Not that it's an issue for me," Weiss sighed.
"Kendall is brave or an idiot," Barclay said with a frown.
Washington nodded. "No kidding. I vote for idiot. Although maybe jerk is more accurate. But anyway, Kendall went on to say that Jack seemed really stressed-"
"Here's a riddle: How can you tell the difference between normal Jack and really stressed Jack?" Weiss laughed.
Barclay agreed. "Yeah, the guy is wound kinda tight, isn't he? Anyway, he blurted something out about being worried about Syd, that Irina was all uptight that she wasn't happy, that when Irina was uptight---"
Vaughn said,"Then Jack's life is hell. Or another, deeper circle of hell."
Washington nodded. "Yeah. And then Kendall asks, actually asks, him what it would take to make Syd happy. As if Kendall gives a crap. And Jack rightly tells him to mind his own business, because you know if he told him one thing, Kendall being Kendall, would make sure to do the opposite. Kendall stalks off and-"
Weiss continued, "Then I, who am either stupid or have no fear, go over and ask Jack the same question. Saying as her handler and friend, I have a right to know the answer."
Barclay interjected, "We didn't know any of this at the time. Weiss, unlike, Kendall knows how to whisper. Weiss just told us today when any fool could see something big was going down, I mean on. Nothing was going down today, was it?" The other men chuckled, Vaughn groaned.
"Okay, let's get our mind out of that gutter, guys. And let me finish the story. So, I told Jack that he can trust me with the answer. Jack Bristow and trust? Yeah, right. Thought I was going to pee my pants waiting to see what would happen. And to my astonishment, Jack blurts out your name. Well, in a whisper, but still. Then turns all white, because, drumroll here, please," Weiss, Barclay and Washington used their forks to bang on the table, "Jack Bristow talked about emotions, however obliquely. Then he practically ran out of the Op Center. Probably had to go wash his mouth out after that conversation." They all nodded. Weiss thought aloud, "But wonder what he DOES do after spending time with Irina?"
Vaughn cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. The other men nodded. Then resumed eating.
"So." Vaughn trailed off.
"When we heard that you were the point man on this op, we all had hopes, Vaughn." Barclay noted.
Washington added, "Hopes that you would get your freaking act together, get together with Syd, make her happy, which would make Irina less uptight and therefore get Jack out of that current circle of hell he's in, which might, just might, result in a lighter load for us and therefore we might get home in time to have some nookie with OUR wives."
Vaughn stared at them and broke into laughter. "Hold on! You guys are putting a lot of pressure on me. I don't know if I can perform under these circumstances.."
"You better, or that picture Barclay took of you flying across the balcony in hockey puck boxers will become the Op Center screen saver when we return to the office," Weiss warned. "What should we call it, guys? Hockey Pucks on Parade?"
"Argghh," Vaughn moaned.
"I don't know," Washington commented, "I like the Spiderman analogy myself."
"Did you ever wonder about Spiderman's sex life, though?" Weiss asked. "He gets bitten by this radioactive spider and ends up with jet-propelled cobwebs that fly out of his wrists. I mean, where else.? Did you ever wonder if Mary Jane got a shock on their first night together or what? Talk about a sticky situation. And how long did Spidey and Mary Jane know each other before they did it? Does that have any impact on the..stickiness or the speed or."
The men turned and looked at Vaughn, who began laughing. "I don't want to even know the analogy here! Don't say it! Please!" Everyone cracked up.
The connector door opened and sleepy-eyed Syd asked, "So, guys, what's up?" And then looked perplexed, when all four of them broke up into nearly- hysterical laughter. Men.