Chapter 20: in which, well, people talk. A lot. Which is such a shock in
this story, isn't it? What else? Remember what Syd said about Weiss
getting tired? Hmm. And Vaughn takes a pill. He'll need it by the end of
this chapter. Oh, and Jack makes a phone call.
"What are you doing in here, anyway?" Weiss asked in surprise as the connector door opened and Vaughn walked through. He clicked off his phone.
"Why, did you have plans for the room yourself?"
"Ha. Ha. Seriously, though....."
"Well, given the fact that Syd heard us talking this morning and you heard us talking this afternoon---"
"Ah. The walls are kinda thin," Weiss noted as he sat down on his bed.
"Right." They looked at each other.
Weiss turned away and mumbled, "And I've had enough close encounters with." and his voice trailed off so that Vaughn could not hear it.
"What? Were you talking to me?"
"No. Myself."
"You've been doing that a lot lately," Vaughn noted.
"Well, you know me. If no one else is willing to listen, I'll just talk to myself. Just me, all alone, no one else giving me unwanted advice on how to handle the situation...."
"Weiss, are you okay?"
"Fine. Just peachy. But even if you both were tired, you could have just slept with her, not done anything else."
"Yeah, right. Like I have THAT much control? And she's so tired, that would be....inappropriate in the extreme. And I'd really rather wait until she has at least a smidgen of energy."
"You are such a liar," Weiss scoffed.
"Okay, okay. At this point she could be totally asleep and I almost wouldn't care anymore. Almost."
They both laughed in commiseration. Then Weiss commented, "Honestly, I swear you'd be happy as long as she was awake enough to moan," and here Weiss went into falsetto, "'Oh, honey, you were the best! Much better than Noah-'"
Weiss ducked as Vaughn threw a pillow at him. "You are SO dead, Eric. Dead! I can't wait til you have a girlfriend again. I swear payback is going to be sweet then."
"Speaking of payback, why did you bring up Noah today? Don't tell me you're thinking you went out with Alice to punish Syd for Noah? That would be---"
"Ridiculous. And even I am not that stupid. I don't know why I said that. It just kind of popped out." Vaughn thought for a moment and then continued, "But that's par for the course with Syd isn't it? I don't know why I do anything."
Weiss looked at him speculatively. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes a Freudian slip is more than a piece of naughty lingerie."
Vaughn stared at him. "I think you've finally lost it, Weiss."
Weiss shrugged and said nothing further, which was enough to make Vaughn curious. But when the silence continued, he just shook his head, "Anyway, I'd like to dig myself out of that hole filled with scum I made for myself, thank you very much. You know, act like a gentleman, earn some points," Vaughn said as he began taking off his clothes.
Weiss laughed in agreement, but then noted, "Don't push the gentleman bit too far."
"Huh? I thought.."
"Yeah, but a woman likes to know that a man's interested. I bet part of why Syd looked so upset today was because you didn't kiss or her anything all day. Put that in combination with your total lack of forward movement on step two and she was probably worried that you decided the whole situation was too much trouble, too difficult."
"How did you know?" Vaughn asked in shock.
"I know more about women than I am given credit for, my friend. Not having your looks to coast by on, I've had to learn to actually listen to women."
Vaughn stared at him in shock. "My looks? Coast by?! Are you insane? Oh lord, are you..jealous?"
"Blech. Let's not let this conversation degenerate into another Bath and Body Works moment. What's next? Watching Terms of Endearment or An Affair to Remember on Lifetime and sharing a box of tissues?"
"Whatever. I'm totally lost here. So you think I should have stayed in there tonight."
Weiss shook his head. "God, no, not if you couldn't control yourself. These walls are too thin. Don't need that much information about either of you. I'm talking about later, somewhere else, when I'm somewhere else. But I am looking forward to going a night without hearing you moan Syd's name in your sleep."
Vaughn turned and stared at him. "You're kidding. How often do I do that, anyway?"
"Every time we've been on a mission and share a room, all night, it's 'Syd, Syd, Syd.' I'm curious; don't you ever call her Sydney? Anyway, your dreams probably have more action than my life!"
"No, wait. I say 'Syd' every time I'm asleep? I can't believe Alice never said anything before the other day. Although I avoided falling asleep at her place like the plague until the other night when I was so tired about all those squash games we played after that long day at work--"
"Well, most of the time you just mumble, so if the person listening didn't know what you were really saying...."
"Hmm. I guess I must have been speaking very clearly the other night for once then."
"Guess so," Weiss said cheerfully. At Vaughn's suspicious look he added, "Don't ask me! I wasn't there."
"I'm starting to wonder about that."
"What are you talking about?
"There's something fishy...."Vaughn trailed off, staring at Weiss with narrowed eyes.
"Are you still fixated on The Little Mermaid? Not surprising though, when you consider that the first time we met Syd she had that day-glow red hair just like Ariel's, is it?" Weiss asked, always happy to make another analogy. Then smirked, "That red hair made a permanent imprint on your psyche. I'm thinking I see wigs in Syd's future."
Vaughn gave Weiss a dirty look and then his face lightened, "Oh, hey, guess what Syd said tonight?"
"What now? Don't tell me SYD asked if you were gay?"
Vaughn cracked up. "No. Thank God. That would totally put me over the edge."
"After all this time, she might legitimately wonder.."
"Very funny. But get this -- you know that Little Mermaid shirt? Jack gave it to her as a joke Christmas gift. Do you believe that?"
"A joke gift from Jack? We ARE in an alternate universe."
"It gets better. Syd gave him a joke gift in return."
Weiss looked puzzled. "Huh? What do you get Jack Bristow as a joke? The mind reels. Defective C4? A Christmas sweater with reindeer on it? A pair of high top sneakers? A clip-on polyester tie? A karaoke machine? Can't you just see Jack singing, "Surrey with the Fringe on Top?'" Vaughn cracked up.
Weiss was on a roll, "One of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? An 8 by 10 glossy of Kendall, with the dome polished to a high sheen? A mood ring? Billy the Singing Bass? A smidge of plutonium? Nah, he'd find a way to use THAT. Wait, I've got it. An encryption program that translates everything into lyrics from Disney songs?"
"Hey, you're close with that last one! She got him this t-shirt--"
"Jack in a t-shirt? Not seeing it."
"Shut up and let me finish. You've got total diarrhea of the mouth tonight, Weiss. You must be exhausted. She got him a t-shirt from that movie, The Lion King. Remember the bad lion -- Scar -- who always had some nefarious plan? And his lackeys were those irritating hyenas. Hmm." Vaughn said and stopped with a significant look in Weiss' direction.
"Go on."
"So this t-shirt has the hyenas with Scar. Scar is rolling his eyes and saying, 'I'm surrounded by idiots.'"
Weiss broke up. Gasping with laughter he said, "Oh my God. The next time we are in some meeting and Jack does one of his patented eye rolls, I'm gonna imagine him ---"
"I know! Imagine him wearing that t-shirt underneath one of those Armani suits of his."
Weiss stopped laughing to say, "But wait, you know he's probably had it bronzed and put in his Sydney shrine in that bunker he calls his house, don't you?"
Vaughn laughed, "You're right. He probably does have a Sydney shrine in... wait a minute." He stopped and stared at Weiss, "You've been in chez Bristow?"
Weiss bit his lip. S***, he was too tired to have this conversation. He said quickly, "Sure. Haven't you?" and shrugged nonchalantly.
"Are you delusional? The only reason Jack would invite me to his house is to have a convenient place to bury my body! I don't even want to know what's in that man's basement. Probably every guy who's ever done Syd wrong in some way from kindergarten on up." He gave a mock shudder. Then sobered, "But I don't think Syd truly knows how much her dad cares about her, the lengths to which he'd go for her."
Weiss broke into somewhat manic laughter, but then bit his lip before observing, "Don't mind me, I'm a little tired and punchy myself. And no, I agree, Syd has no idea what Jack would do for her." When Vaughn looked at him quizzically, Weiss continued, "This joke gift business....We should do something to him, plan some joke on him. He owes me..." Weiss trailed off. Vaughn looked at him as if he were nuts. "In fact, I'll ask Syd when this is all over, bring her in on the plan."
"I'm missing something here, Eric," Vaughn commented. "You want to play a joke on Jack Bristow? Are you friggin' nuts? Do you have a death wish?"
"No. All I need is a plan. Syd is good with plans..."As Weiss pulled back the covers on this bed, he looked over at his friend and said, "Speaking of plans...."
"Tomorrow. Step Two," Vaughn said firmly.
Weiss nodded, "Good. Don't make me have to nudge you again. It's tiring."
"You're tired? Try living through this! And anyway, I think you've enjoyed it."
"Maybe. Well, parts of it. Tomorrow should be good." Weiss grinned.
Vaughn groaned as he pulled back his own covers, "I hope I sleep tonight."
"Here," Weiss said, walking over to this bag, opening it and pulling out a pill, "Take this."
"What is it? Salt peter?"
"Nah. Do they even make that stuff any more? It's a sleeping pill."
"Since when do you take sleeping pills?"
"I don't. I don't need to. I have a clear conscience. More or less."
"Well, then where did you get this?"
"What, don't you trust me?"
"After the past several days?" Vaughn asked. Weiss gave him a dirty look and Vaughn shook his head, "No, I'm kidding. You've been disgustingly, annoyingly, irritatingly correct. Do you have some inside information besides this amazing ability of yours to listen to women?" Weiss shrugged. Vaughn continued, "But seriously, where did you get this? It's not like they hand these out with our MREs."
"Jack. Who else? The man has a portable pharmacy in his briefcase."
"He does?"
"Sure, what Jack doesn't whip up in his basement lab, he has from his sundry hospital stays. Plus if he wanted a drug, I think he's got every nurse at the US Naval Hospital in his pocket. If you get my drift."
Vaughn's mouth dropped open. "You're kidding."
Weiss shook his head, "Nope. Let me tell you my care improved dramatically after Jack came to visit me. After, all I heard was, "Jack this", "Jack that." Which, by the way, is not something I intend to ever tell Irina. I don't want to be the one to get that woman jealous." He gave a mock shudder and then smiled and continued, "But, seriously, ask Jack a question about any painkiller in the world and he's a regular Physicians' Desk Reference. For the record, his favorite is Percodan. Or is it Percocet? Irina prefers-"
Vaughn interrupted the pharmacology discussion to ask, "When did you have this discussion with them about painkillers?"
"When I happened to mention that you were Syd's partner on this trip. A discussion about painkillers seemed appropriate."
"Ha. Ha. You are soooo funny," Vaughn mocked. He asked, "But, when did you have time? Between the original agent getting sick, contacting me and getting ready to leave." Weiss shrugged. Vaughn narrowed his eyes, something was wrong with the timing here, but then he brushed it off. He was tired, probably imagining things. He asked, "And the sleeping pill?"
"Well, that was Irina's idea. She thinks you don't sleep when Syd is on an op. You want to tell me how she knows that, by the way?" Weiss raised an eyebrow.
Vaughn protested, "I have no freaking clue! I certainly didn't tell her! That woman is...."
"Tell me about it. Aside from everything else, you sure you want Jack and Irina as the in-laws? Talk about family dynamics at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And planning the wedding? I'm thinking elopement. Vegas or Hawaii sound good."
"You're not kidding. And Thanksgiving? I'll think we'll have to start our own tradition of disarming nukes on every major national holiday."
"Fine, I'll babysit. Given your fixation with The Little Mermaid, I'm thinking the kids will like my fish. Maybe a dog, though....Wait a minute! Did you ever think -- your kids will be Jack and Irina's grandchildren! Maybe you should adopt. The genetics..."
"Now I'll never go to sleep," Vaughn moaned.
Beep. Vaughn looked over at his phone and groaned. "Oh, come ON! I've had it!"
"What? Who is it?" Weiss asked quizzically.
"It's Jack. Or Irina. For the love of..." he said with disgust as he picked up the phone. He answered it saying, "What? What now?"
There was a pause. "Hello, Michael."
"Jack," Vaughn said resignedly.
"Just calling to check on how the mission's going," Jack said conversationally. That tone of voice was enough to send Vaughn's blood pressure through the roof. It always did.
"That's bullshit, Jack and you know it. You never called me before to see how the mission was going."
Weiss mumbled, "Gee, aren't you lucky? He trusts you. He calls me all the time on missions." Vaughn made a slicing motion with his hand in Weiss' direction.
"Fine. You want me to cut to the chase, I will. I just extracted information from Irina about the little conversation she had with you after you got out of the hospital."
"Extracted? How?" Vaughn asked suspiciously.
"I didn't lay a hand on her. I just...talked. And then she talked."
"You mean you baited and tormented Irina using your knowledge of her against her," Vaughn said flatly.
"And your point would be what?"
"But..."
"Oh, get over it, she enjoys the game too," Jack said dismissively.
Vaughn thought for a moment, "Wait a minute, why didn't you just watch the tapes from her monitors?"
"It was more..enjoyable this way, I assure you."
"This is your idea of FUN?"
"One of my ideas. Now, let's move onto your ideas. Like the idea of what constitutes a normal life, shall we? I'll make this quick. You chose to be an agent. Therefore, your life will not be easy and uncomplicated. Period. If you wanted easy and uncomplicated you could have been something else. Accept that and live with it."
"Live with it? Like you did? Like your life? No thanks, Jack. No thanks. I don't want to live in that cold prison you call YOUR life!" Vaughn said with venom.
Weiss stared at him in shock.
Silence. Vaughn heard Jack take a breath and then say calmly, "There's one major difference between my life and yours. Sydney is not Irina." He paused and when Vaughn said nothing, sighed and continued, "Take my---"
Vaughn interrupted him, "You know what, Jack? Even though some of the advice has been good, I am sick and tired of it. You know what? I think I can deal with this myself from now ON. You know what? You've got enough to worry about with your OWN woman. You know what I want? I want you to butt out and mind your own business and let me worry about Syd."
Silence. Then Jack said with a hint of a smile in his voice, "Congratulations. Glad to see you've finally found your backbone. Wondered what it would take. Hope it's permanently implanted. Take it from me, you need a backbone to deal with the women in this family. Good luck, son." And the phone went dead.
"Damn him! He called me son again!"
Weiss had been staring at him in amazement throughout the phone call. At Vaughn's final words, he shook his head and held out his hand, "Here. Take the pill."
"Oh, believe me, I'm taking the pill."
"What are you doing in here, anyway?" Weiss asked in surprise as the connector door opened and Vaughn walked through. He clicked off his phone.
"Why, did you have plans for the room yourself?"
"Ha. Ha. Seriously, though....."
"Well, given the fact that Syd heard us talking this morning and you heard us talking this afternoon---"
"Ah. The walls are kinda thin," Weiss noted as he sat down on his bed.
"Right." They looked at each other.
Weiss turned away and mumbled, "And I've had enough close encounters with." and his voice trailed off so that Vaughn could not hear it.
"What? Were you talking to me?"
"No. Myself."
"You've been doing that a lot lately," Vaughn noted.
"Well, you know me. If no one else is willing to listen, I'll just talk to myself. Just me, all alone, no one else giving me unwanted advice on how to handle the situation...."
"Weiss, are you okay?"
"Fine. Just peachy. But even if you both were tired, you could have just slept with her, not done anything else."
"Yeah, right. Like I have THAT much control? And she's so tired, that would be....inappropriate in the extreme. And I'd really rather wait until she has at least a smidgen of energy."
"You are such a liar," Weiss scoffed.
"Okay, okay. At this point she could be totally asleep and I almost wouldn't care anymore. Almost."
They both laughed in commiseration. Then Weiss commented, "Honestly, I swear you'd be happy as long as she was awake enough to moan," and here Weiss went into falsetto, "'Oh, honey, you were the best! Much better than Noah-'"
Weiss ducked as Vaughn threw a pillow at him. "You are SO dead, Eric. Dead! I can't wait til you have a girlfriend again. I swear payback is going to be sweet then."
"Speaking of payback, why did you bring up Noah today? Don't tell me you're thinking you went out with Alice to punish Syd for Noah? That would be---"
"Ridiculous. And even I am not that stupid. I don't know why I said that. It just kind of popped out." Vaughn thought for a moment and then continued, "But that's par for the course with Syd isn't it? I don't know why I do anything."
Weiss looked at him speculatively. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and sometimes a Freudian slip is more than a piece of naughty lingerie."
Vaughn stared at him. "I think you've finally lost it, Weiss."
Weiss shrugged and said nothing further, which was enough to make Vaughn curious. But when the silence continued, he just shook his head, "Anyway, I'd like to dig myself out of that hole filled with scum I made for myself, thank you very much. You know, act like a gentleman, earn some points," Vaughn said as he began taking off his clothes.
Weiss laughed in agreement, but then noted, "Don't push the gentleman bit too far."
"Huh? I thought.."
"Yeah, but a woman likes to know that a man's interested. I bet part of why Syd looked so upset today was because you didn't kiss or her anything all day. Put that in combination with your total lack of forward movement on step two and she was probably worried that you decided the whole situation was too much trouble, too difficult."
"How did you know?" Vaughn asked in shock.
"I know more about women than I am given credit for, my friend. Not having your looks to coast by on, I've had to learn to actually listen to women."
Vaughn stared at him in shock. "My looks? Coast by?! Are you insane? Oh lord, are you..jealous?"
"Blech. Let's not let this conversation degenerate into another Bath and Body Works moment. What's next? Watching Terms of Endearment or An Affair to Remember on Lifetime and sharing a box of tissues?"
"Whatever. I'm totally lost here. So you think I should have stayed in there tonight."
Weiss shook his head. "God, no, not if you couldn't control yourself. These walls are too thin. Don't need that much information about either of you. I'm talking about later, somewhere else, when I'm somewhere else. But I am looking forward to going a night without hearing you moan Syd's name in your sleep."
Vaughn turned and stared at him. "You're kidding. How often do I do that, anyway?"
"Every time we've been on a mission and share a room, all night, it's 'Syd, Syd, Syd.' I'm curious; don't you ever call her Sydney? Anyway, your dreams probably have more action than my life!"
"No, wait. I say 'Syd' every time I'm asleep? I can't believe Alice never said anything before the other day. Although I avoided falling asleep at her place like the plague until the other night when I was so tired about all those squash games we played after that long day at work--"
"Well, most of the time you just mumble, so if the person listening didn't know what you were really saying...."
"Hmm. I guess I must have been speaking very clearly the other night for once then."
"Guess so," Weiss said cheerfully. At Vaughn's suspicious look he added, "Don't ask me! I wasn't there."
"I'm starting to wonder about that."
"What are you talking about?
"There's something fishy...."Vaughn trailed off, staring at Weiss with narrowed eyes.
"Are you still fixated on The Little Mermaid? Not surprising though, when you consider that the first time we met Syd she had that day-glow red hair just like Ariel's, is it?" Weiss asked, always happy to make another analogy. Then smirked, "That red hair made a permanent imprint on your psyche. I'm thinking I see wigs in Syd's future."
Vaughn gave Weiss a dirty look and then his face lightened, "Oh, hey, guess what Syd said tonight?"
"What now? Don't tell me SYD asked if you were gay?"
Vaughn cracked up. "No. Thank God. That would totally put me over the edge."
"After all this time, she might legitimately wonder.."
"Very funny. But get this -- you know that Little Mermaid shirt? Jack gave it to her as a joke Christmas gift. Do you believe that?"
"A joke gift from Jack? We ARE in an alternate universe."
"It gets better. Syd gave him a joke gift in return."
Weiss looked puzzled. "Huh? What do you get Jack Bristow as a joke? The mind reels. Defective C4? A Christmas sweater with reindeer on it? A pair of high top sneakers? A clip-on polyester tie? A karaoke machine? Can't you just see Jack singing, "Surrey with the Fringe on Top?'" Vaughn cracked up.
Weiss was on a roll, "One of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? An 8 by 10 glossy of Kendall, with the dome polished to a high sheen? A mood ring? Billy the Singing Bass? A smidge of plutonium? Nah, he'd find a way to use THAT. Wait, I've got it. An encryption program that translates everything into lyrics from Disney songs?"
"Hey, you're close with that last one! She got him this t-shirt--"
"Jack in a t-shirt? Not seeing it."
"Shut up and let me finish. You've got total diarrhea of the mouth tonight, Weiss. You must be exhausted. She got him a t-shirt from that movie, The Lion King. Remember the bad lion -- Scar -- who always had some nefarious plan? And his lackeys were those irritating hyenas. Hmm." Vaughn said and stopped with a significant look in Weiss' direction.
"Go on."
"So this t-shirt has the hyenas with Scar. Scar is rolling his eyes and saying, 'I'm surrounded by idiots.'"
Weiss broke up. Gasping with laughter he said, "Oh my God. The next time we are in some meeting and Jack does one of his patented eye rolls, I'm gonna imagine him ---"
"I know! Imagine him wearing that t-shirt underneath one of those Armani suits of his."
Weiss stopped laughing to say, "But wait, you know he's probably had it bronzed and put in his Sydney shrine in that bunker he calls his house, don't you?"
Vaughn laughed, "You're right. He probably does have a Sydney shrine in... wait a minute." He stopped and stared at Weiss, "You've been in chez Bristow?"
Weiss bit his lip. S***, he was too tired to have this conversation. He said quickly, "Sure. Haven't you?" and shrugged nonchalantly.
"Are you delusional? The only reason Jack would invite me to his house is to have a convenient place to bury my body! I don't even want to know what's in that man's basement. Probably every guy who's ever done Syd wrong in some way from kindergarten on up." He gave a mock shudder. Then sobered, "But I don't think Syd truly knows how much her dad cares about her, the lengths to which he'd go for her."
Weiss broke into somewhat manic laughter, but then bit his lip before observing, "Don't mind me, I'm a little tired and punchy myself. And no, I agree, Syd has no idea what Jack would do for her." When Vaughn looked at him quizzically, Weiss continued, "This joke gift business....We should do something to him, plan some joke on him. He owes me..." Weiss trailed off. Vaughn looked at him as if he were nuts. "In fact, I'll ask Syd when this is all over, bring her in on the plan."
"I'm missing something here, Eric," Vaughn commented. "You want to play a joke on Jack Bristow? Are you friggin' nuts? Do you have a death wish?"
"No. All I need is a plan. Syd is good with plans..."As Weiss pulled back the covers on this bed, he looked over at his friend and said, "Speaking of plans...."
"Tomorrow. Step Two," Vaughn said firmly.
Weiss nodded, "Good. Don't make me have to nudge you again. It's tiring."
"You're tired? Try living through this! And anyway, I think you've enjoyed it."
"Maybe. Well, parts of it. Tomorrow should be good." Weiss grinned.
Vaughn groaned as he pulled back his own covers, "I hope I sleep tonight."
"Here," Weiss said, walking over to this bag, opening it and pulling out a pill, "Take this."
"What is it? Salt peter?"
"Nah. Do they even make that stuff any more? It's a sleeping pill."
"Since when do you take sleeping pills?"
"I don't. I don't need to. I have a clear conscience. More or less."
"Well, then where did you get this?"
"What, don't you trust me?"
"After the past several days?" Vaughn asked. Weiss gave him a dirty look and Vaughn shook his head, "No, I'm kidding. You've been disgustingly, annoyingly, irritatingly correct. Do you have some inside information besides this amazing ability of yours to listen to women?" Weiss shrugged. Vaughn continued, "But seriously, where did you get this? It's not like they hand these out with our MREs."
"Jack. Who else? The man has a portable pharmacy in his briefcase."
"He does?"
"Sure, what Jack doesn't whip up in his basement lab, he has from his sundry hospital stays. Plus if he wanted a drug, I think he's got every nurse at the US Naval Hospital in his pocket. If you get my drift."
Vaughn's mouth dropped open. "You're kidding."
Weiss shook his head, "Nope. Let me tell you my care improved dramatically after Jack came to visit me. After, all I heard was, "Jack this", "Jack that." Which, by the way, is not something I intend to ever tell Irina. I don't want to be the one to get that woman jealous." He gave a mock shudder and then smiled and continued, "But, seriously, ask Jack a question about any painkiller in the world and he's a regular Physicians' Desk Reference. For the record, his favorite is Percodan. Or is it Percocet? Irina prefers-"
Vaughn interrupted the pharmacology discussion to ask, "When did you have this discussion with them about painkillers?"
"When I happened to mention that you were Syd's partner on this trip. A discussion about painkillers seemed appropriate."
"Ha. Ha. You are soooo funny," Vaughn mocked. He asked, "But, when did you have time? Between the original agent getting sick, contacting me and getting ready to leave." Weiss shrugged. Vaughn narrowed his eyes, something was wrong with the timing here, but then he brushed it off. He was tired, probably imagining things. He asked, "And the sleeping pill?"
"Well, that was Irina's idea. She thinks you don't sleep when Syd is on an op. You want to tell me how she knows that, by the way?" Weiss raised an eyebrow.
Vaughn protested, "I have no freaking clue! I certainly didn't tell her! That woman is...."
"Tell me about it. Aside from everything else, you sure you want Jack and Irina as the in-laws? Talk about family dynamics at the Thanksgiving dinner table. And planning the wedding? I'm thinking elopement. Vegas or Hawaii sound good."
"You're not kidding. And Thanksgiving? I'll think we'll have to start our own tradition of disarming nukes on every major national holiday."
"Fine, I'll babysit. Given your fixation with The Little Mermaid, I'm thinking the kids will like my fish. Maybe a dog, though....Wait a minute! Did you ever think -- your kids will be Jack and Irina's grandchildren! Maybe you should adopt. The genetics..."
"Now I'll never go to sleep," Vaughn moaned.
Beep. Vaughn looked over at his phone and groaned. "Oh, come ON! I've had it!"
"What? Who is it?" Weiss asked quizzically.
"It's Jack. Or Irina. For the love of..." he said with disgust as he picked up the phone. He answered it saying, "What? What now?"
There was a pause. "Hello, Michael."
"Jack," Vaughn said resignedly.
"Just calling to check on how the mission's going," Jack said conversationally. That tone of voice was enough to send Vaughn's blood pressure through the roof. It always did.
"That's bullshit, Jack and you know it. You never called me before to see how the mission was going."
Weiss mumbled, "Gee, aren't you lucky? He trusts you. He calls me all the time on missions." Vaughn made a slicing motion with his hand in Weiss' direction.
"Fine. You want me to cut to the chase, I will. I just extracted information from Irina about the little conversation she had with you after you got out of the hospital."
"Extracted? How?" Vaughn asked suspiciously.
"I didn't lay a hand on her. I just...talked. And then she talked."
"You mean you baited and tormented Irina using your knowledge of her against her," Vaughn said flatly.
"And your point would be what?"
"But..."
"Oh, get over it, she enjoys the game too," Jack said dismissively.
Vaughn thought for a moment, "Wait a minute, why didn't you just watch the tapes from her monitors?"
"It was more..enjoyable this way, I assure you."
"This is your idea of FUN?"
"One of my ideas. Now, let's move onto your ideas. Like the idea of what constitutes a normal life, shall we? I'll make this quick. You chose to be an agent. Therefore, your life will not be easy and uncomplicated. Period. If you wanted easy and uncomplicated you could have been something else. Accept that and live with it."
"Live with it? Like you did? Like your life? No thanks, Jack. No thanks. I don't want to live in that cold prison you call YOUR life!" Vaughn said with venom.
Weiss stared at him in shock.
Silence. Vaughn heard Jack take a breath and then say calmly, "There's one major difference between my life and yours. Sydney is not Irina." He paused and when Vaughn said nothing, sighed and continued, "Take my---"
Vaughn interrupted him, "You know what, Jack? Even though some of the advice has been good, I am sick and tired of it. You know what? I think I can deal with this myself from now ON. You know what? You've got enough to worry about with your OWN woman. You know what I want? I want you to butt out and mind your own business and let me worry about Syd."
Silence. Then Jack said with a hint of a smile in his voice, "Congratulations. Glad to see you've finally found your backbone. Wondered what it would take. Hope it's permanently implanted. Take it from me, you need a backbone to deal with the women in this family. Good luck, son." And the phone went dead.
"Damn him! He called me son again!"
Weiss had been staring at him in amazement throughout the phone call. At Vaughn's final words, he shook his head and held out his hand, "Here. Take the pill."
"Oh, believe me, I'm taking the pill."