Chapter 22: in which Weiss' ability to distract confuses even me. So poor
Vaughn never ha a chance to follow up on his suspicions. But he does get a
day off with Sydney.
Cut to the chase: Syd and Vaughn sit on the beach, wait for a waiter to
bring an umbrella drink with a note attached to it. Get said drink, get
said note, give it to Weiss. What a lame mission.
"What a lame mission," Vaughn said to Weiss back in the hotel. "You want to tell me once again what the hell we're doing?"
"I told you before," Weiss said, pocketing the note.
"No, you didn't."
"Sure, I did."
"Boys!" Sydney exclaimed as she walked into the room from "hers". "What are you arguing about now?"
"Weiss never told us what the goal of this mission was," Vaughn stated.
"Sure, he did," Sydney said with a crease between her brows. "At least, I think he did."
"Aak! Of course I did. I can't be held responsible if you two can't remember simple things like the nature of this mission." Weiss exclaimed. "Honestly, you two are driving me nuts! Your brains are fried from the endless ever-so-critical questions like, 'Is my Little Mermaid tshirt a turn off? Does she like my new boxers or does she prefer the hockey pucks?' I can't take it any more. I swear. I can't help it if you've spent all your time on this mission concentrating on practices and procedures not found in any field manual."
"Oh, I don't know," Syd said slyly, "I think Vaughn enjoyed my interpretation of the 'screw it' chapter of the field manual this morning." Vaughn choked on his own laughter, while Weiss' eyes looked like they were going to bug out of his head.
"Oh, no." Weiss protested. "I am NOT having this conversation with a woman. Nope. Notgonnahappen. Not natural. Not acceptable. Not appropriate."
"Appropriate?" Vaughn and Syd parroted together. "YOU?"
"Even I have my limits," Weiss said solemnly, then spoiled it by grinning. "Guess what?"
Vaughn groaned again. "Oh no, that's how this whole thing started."
Weiss shook his head, "No, I believe it started when Syd walked in with that Bozo red hair needing a dentist. This is just the," he paused, "climax of the affair."
Syd giggled, while Vaughn rolled his eyes and mumbled, "Geez, I hope not."
"Actually, me too, buddy, given that this morning you only had-"
"ERIC!" Vaughn interrupted him. "I thought you were the one going on about what was appropriate."
"True. And daylight's burning. Let's get back on track. What I was about to say is that you guys are free."
"Free?" Syd asked, puzzled.
"Yup. Mission accomplished, as far as you two are concerned. Barclay, Washington and I can finish it up. Our plane doesn't leave until tomorrow. So, go, go. Shoo." Weiss said with a smile.
"Whaat?" Vaughn asked suspiciously. "IF we're done, why not fly back today?"
"Vaughn, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Besides, it doesn't make much sense for the taxpayers to foot a bill for the two of us to fly back today and then the three of them tomorrow." Sydney argued.
"That's right!" Weiss agreed. "So, go have fun. Go sightseeing, whatever, as long as I don't have to hear it or hear about it."
"Syd, what do you want to do?" Vaughn asked, still looking at Weiss with narrowed eyes.
"Hmm. I know! I saw this on the Travel Channel one time: the road to Hana! I've never done that, have you?" Sydney asked.
"No. That sounds fine."
Weiss agreed eagerly. "Great idea, Syd. All those switchbacks and deadly curves - kinda like your relationship with Vaughn, don't you know?" Vaughn groaned at the analogy. How did Weiss come up with all of them? Had he taken a class in college on "The Analogy: The best way to drive family and friends insane"? Weiss ignored Vaughn and continued, ever-so-helpfully, "In fact, you know, that's nearly an all day drive. Why don't you plan on spending the night in Hana and then use a copter to come back tomorrow? I'm sure the concierge at the front desk could help you make reservations," Weiss suggested, rocking back and forth on his heels.
"Yeah, Syd, could you do that?" Vaughn asked absently. Syd nodded and left the room. The minute the door closed behind her, Vaughn turned to Weiss and began walking toward him. "Okay, that's it. Spill." When Weiss said nothing, Vaughn pressed, "What is this mission about? Why haven't you told us? What's on that note? In fact, let me SEE that note. NOW."
"Geez. I'd think you'd be a little less testy this morning or was there just not enough time, after all? Still having that problem that's the opposite of premature ejaculation?"
"Let. Me. See. The. Note," Vaughn ground out.
"Why? What's that going to do for you? You haven't been paying enough attention on this mission to be able to interpret anything this late in the game," Weiss said staunchly.
"You're making me extremely suspicious, Eric. Give over the note." Vaughn demanded.
"No. You're making me extremely irritated, Mikey."
"Do NOT call me Mikey! That's it!" Vaughn said as he lunged toward Weiss and reached for his front pocket.
Weiss backed up. "Hey! Don't even think about going there, boy. Don't tell me that I have to be the one to break the bad news to Sydney."
Vaughn held out his hand and asked, "Bad news?"
"Yeah. Hoyay right here on the fifth floor. Not good. Jack is SO not going to like that, let me tell you. And frankly, you're not my type, anyway. Too pretty."
As he watched the color climb in Vaughn's face, right up to that wrinkled forehead, Weiss chuckled and reached into his pocket and pulled out the note. "Here," he said, "If it means that much to you, knock yourself out."
Vaughn stared at it. "This is just a list of art galleries in Lahaina, with what is it - a list of paintings?"
"Yup. Was it worth groping me for that note?"
"I did NOT grope you!"
"Well, that was as close as I want to come with any man, let me tell you." Weiss shuddered.
"Stop it. Answer the question, already!" Vaughn implored.
"What question?" Weiss asked innocently. "Why am I doing this? Helping set you two up? Hey, you know me, just a regular matchmaker, here to make the course of true love run smooth. Or would that be smoothly? Smoothly. Smooth. No, smoothly. Right."
"Have you been channeling Marshall?"
"Nah. What was your question?"
"I'm gonna kill you one of these days. I don't remember!"
"Oh, I do. Why am I doing this? Seriously?" Weiss asked, Vaughn nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Yes. Finally. Get serious."
"Okay. I saw you killing yourself pretending to be involved with Alice. She was a convenience, something I never thought I'd see you do. But not much of a convenience I'm guessing, if she could believe you were gay -- not able to get it up for her very often, were you?" Vaughn stepped toward him and Weiss held up his hands. "Hey! Like that's not the truth? Like you weren't seeing Syd's face in your bed instead of Alice? But, I see Syd every day and I know what she's feeling. I've been dealing with it, with her as her handler for months now. I watched you two together the last few days. You are an amazing team. Get it together, will you? My time babysitting the two of you has come to an end. I'd like to move on to my own love life, thank you."
"Yeah, that's a good point, Weiss. Here you are giving us all this advice and when's the last time---"
"Yeah. What a fool you were to listen to me about relationships when I got all stupid last year. When have I ever had a relationship like you and Syd have? Exactly never. My longest term relationship is with my fish. Who, by the way, seemed to like you better than me."
"How can you tell? They are stupid pets. They just swim around, looking at each other."
"Stupid? Just swimming around and looking at each other? Sounds like you and Syd the last two years. Before this morning you'd barely even kissed each other and yet you had more intimacy between you than people married for 10 years. So don't rag on me about my relationship with my fish."
"You're comparing us to some guppies?"
"Better than the black molly. Did you know that the female will eat her babies? Or is it the male after they've had sex? Or is that the praying mantis - isn't she the one who rips the head off the male before they've had sex?"
They looked at each other and said in unison, "Eww."
"Oh, I don't know," Syd said as she walked back in the room. "The first time I heard that in biology class - you know the same place I learned how to dissect worms, Vaughn? I thought that didn't make any sense. But as an adult I realize that the male of the species seems perfectly capable of having sex without needing or, even, wanting a brain involved in the process."
"Ouch," they said in unison, again.
"That was a broad hint that we'll be talking about Alice today, darling," Syd said with a smile as she walked back into her room to pack. Then spoiled the moment by giggling.
"That mantis thing -- sounds like Irina," Vaughn quipped in a whisper to Weiss. The two men looked at each other and laughed. Weiss commented, "Well, since you're still alive, I'm thinking that Syd doesn't take after her mother that way. But then again, it's not like Jack looks terribly dead, does he?"
"That's because he hasn't had the little..I'm stopping right now. Blech. Let's not have this conversation."
"Fine. But you do have the Alice thing figured out, right? Please tell me."
"Yes. I think so. Besides if I didn't, I get the feeling that Syd's figured it out, anyway."
"I don't care who's figured it out. As long as there's a reason. Some reason, any reason, at this point. I'd hate to think the Alice was just a gratuitous plot point designed solely to delay the inevitable Sydney-Vaughn relationship."
"Yeah. If we're not going to use that story to further develop my character, give me some backstory, then what's the point? It would almost be.condescending to anyone who cares about us. A cheap trick."
"Totally. Hey, did you hear that?" Weiss cocked his head.
Vaughn followed suit. "What? That crumbling, crashing sound?"
Weiss nodded. "Yeah. That's the sound of the fourth wall coming down. Quick, better get going to Hana before we lose any pretense at maintaining the audience's credulity."
"What a lame mission," Vaughn said to Weiss back in the hotel. "You want to tell me once again what the hell we're doing?"
"I told you before," Weiss said, pocketing the note.
"No, you didn't."
"Sure, I did."
"Boys!" Sydney exclaimed as she walked into the room from "hers". "What are you arguing about now?"
"Weiss never told us what the goal of this mission was," Vaughn stated.
"Sure, he did," Sydney said with a crease between her brows. "At least, I think he did."
"Aak! Of course I did. I can't be held responsible if you two can't remember simple things like the nature of this mission." Weiss exclaimed. "Honestly, you two are driving me nuts! Your brains are fried from the endless ever-so-critical questions like, 'Is my Little Mermaid tshirt a turn off? Does she like my new boxers or does she prefer the hockey pucks?' I can't take it any more. I swear. I can't help it if you've spent all your time on this mission concentrating on practices and procedures not found in any field manual."
"Oh, I don't know," Syd said slyly, "I think Vaughn enjoyed my interpretation of the 'screw it' chapter of the field manual this morning." Vaughn choked on his own laughter, while Weiss' eyes looked like they were going to bug out of his head.
"Oh, no." Weiss protested. "I am NOT having this conversation with a woman. Nope. Notgonnahappen. Not natural. Not acceptable. Not appropriate."
"Appropriate?" Vaughn and Syd parroted together. "YOU?"
"Even I have my limits," Weiss said solemnly, then spoiled it by grinning. "Guess what?"
Vaughn groaned again. "Oh no, that's how this whole thing started."
Weiss shook his head, "No, I believe it started when Syd walked in with that Bozo red hair needing a dentist. This is just the," he paused, "climax of the affair."
Syd giggled, while Vaughn rolled his eyes and mumbled, "Geez, I hope not."
"Actually, me too, buddy, given that this morning you only had-"
"ERIC!" Vaughn interrupted him. "I thought you were the one going on about what was appropriate."
"True. And daylight's burning. Let's get back on track. What I was about to say is that you guys are free."
"Free?" Syd asked, puzzled.
"Yup. Mission accomplished, as far as you two are concerned. Barclay, Washington and I can finish it up. Our plane doesn't leave until tomorrow. So, go, go. Shoo." Weiss said with a smile.
"Whaat?" Vaughn asked suspiciously. "IF we're done, why not fly back today?"
"Vaughn, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Besides, it doesn't make much sense for the taxpayers to foot a bill for the two of us to fly back today and then the three of them tomorrow." Sydney argued.
"That's right!" Weiss agreed. "So, go have fun. Go sightseeing, whatever, as long as I don't have to hear it or hear about it."
"Syd, what do you want to do?" Vaughn asked, still looking at Weiss with narrowed eyes.
"Hmm. I know! I saw this on the Travel Channel one time: the road to Hana! I've never done that, have you?" Sydney asked.
"No. That sounds fine."
Weiss agreed eagerly. "Great idea, Syd. All those switchbacks and deadly curves - kinda like your relationship with Vaughn, don't you know?" Vaughn groaned at the analogy. How did Weiss come up with all of them? Had he taken a class in college on "The Analogy: The best way to drive family and friends insane"? Weiss ignored Vaughn and continued, ever-so-helpfully, "In fact, you know, that's nearly an all day drive. Why don't you plan on spending the night in Hana and then use a copter to come back tomorrow? I'm sure the concierge at the front desk could help you make reservations," Weiss suggested, rocking back and forth on his heels.
"Yeah, Syd, could you do that?" Vaughn asked absently. Syd nodded and left the room. The minute the door closed behind her, Vaughn turned to Weiss and began walking toward him. "Okay, that's it. Spill." When Weiss said nothing, Vaughn pressed, "What is this mission about? Why haven't you told us? What's on that note? In fact, let me SEE that note. NOW."
"Geez. I'd think you'd be a little less testy this morning or was there just not enough time, after all? Still having that problem that's the opposite of premature ejaculation?"
"Let. Me. See. The. Note," Vaughn ground out.
"Why? What's that going to do for you? You haven't been paying enough attention on this mission to be able to interpret anything this late in the game," Weiss said staunchly.
"You're making me extremely suspicious, Eric. Give over the note." Vaughn demanded.
"No. You're making me extremely irritated, Mikey."
"Do NOT call me Mikey! That's it!" Vaughn said as he lunged toward Weiss and reached for his front pocket.
Weiss backed up. "Hey! Don't even think about going there, boy. Don't tell me that I have to be the one to break the bad news to Sydney."
Vaughn held out his hand and asked, "Bad news?"
"Yeah. Hoyay right here on the fifth floor. Not good. Jack is SO not going to like that, let me tell you. And frankly, you're not my type, anyway. Too pretty."
As he watched the color climb in Vaughn's face, right up to that wrinkled forehead, Weiss chuckled and reached into his pocket and pulled out the note. "Here," he said, "If it means that much to you, knock yourself out."
Vaughn stared at it. "This is just a list of art galleries in Lahaina, with what is it - a list of paintings?"
"Yup. Was it worth groping me for that note?"
"I did NOT grope you!"
"Well, that was as close as I want to come with any man, let me tell you." Weiss shuddered.
"Stop it. Answer the question, already!" Vaughn implored.
"What question?" Weiss asked innocently. "Why am I doing this? Helping set you two up? Hey, you know me, just a regular matchmaker, here to make the course of true love run smooth. Or would that be smoothly? Smoothly. Smooth. No, smoothly. Right."
"Have you been channeling Marshall?"
"Nah. What was your question?"
"I'm gonna kill you one of these days. I don't remember!"
"Oh, I do. Why am I doing this? Seriously?" Weiss asked, Vaughn nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Yes. Finally. Get serious."
"Okay. I saw you killing yourself pretending to be involved with Alice. She was a convenience, something I never thought I'd see you do. But not much of a convenience I'm guessing, if she could believe you were gay -- not able to get it up for her very often, were you?" Vaughn stepped toward him and Weiss held up his hands. "Hey! Like that's not the truth? Like you weren't seeing Syd's face in your bed instead of Alice? But, I see Syd every day and I know what she's feeling. I've been dealing with it, with her as her handler for months now. I watched you two together the last few days. You are an amazing team. Get it together, will you? My time babysitting the two of you has come to an end. I'd like to move on to my own love life, thank you."
"Yeah, that's a good point, Weiss. Here you are giving us all this advice and when's the last time---"
"Yeah. What a fool you were to listen to me about relationships when I got all stupid last year. When have I ever had a relationship like you and Syd have? Exactly never. My longest term relationship is with my fish. Who, by the way, seemed to like you better than me."
"How can you tell? They are stupid pets. They just swim around, looking at each other."
"Stupid? Just swimming around and looking at each other? Sounds like you and Syd the last two years. Before this morning you'd barely even kissed each other and yet you had more intimacy between you than people married for 10 years. So don't rag on me about my relationship with my fish."
"You're comparing us to some guppies?"
"Better than the black molly. Did you know that the female will eat her babies? Or is it the male after they've had sex? Or is that the praying mantis - isn't she the one who rips the head off the male before they've had sex?"
They looked at each other and said in unison, "Eww."
"Oh, I don't know," Syd said as she walked back in the room. "The first time I heard that in biology class - you know the same place I learned how to dissect worms, Vaughn? I thought that didn't make any sense. But as an adult I realize that the male of the species seems perfectly capable of having sex without needing or, even, wanting a brain involved in the process."
"Ouch," they said in unison, again.
"That was a broad hint that we'll be talking about Alice today, darling," Syd said with a smile as she walked back into her room to pack. Then spoiled the moment by giggling.
"That mantis thing -- sounds like Irina," Vaughn quipped in a whisper to Weiss. The two men looked at each other and laughed. Weiss commented, "Well, since you're still alive, I'm thinking that Syd doesn't take after her mother that way. But then again, it's not like Jack looks terribly dead, does he?"
"That's because he hasn't had the little..I'm stopping right now. Blech. Let's not have this conversation."
"Fine. But you do have the Alice thing figured out, right? Please tell me."
"Yes. I think so. Besides if I didn't, I get the feeling that Syd's figured it out, anyway."
"I don't care who's figured it out. As long as there's a reason. Some reason, any reason, at this point. I'd hate to think the Alice was just a gratuitous plot point designed solely to delay the inevitable Sydney-Vaughn relationship."
"Yeah. If we're not going to use that story to further develop my character, give me some backstory, then what's the point? It would almost be.condescending to anyone who cares about us. A cheap trick."
"Totally. Hey, did you hear that?" Weiss cocked his head.
Vaughn followed suit. "What? That crumbling, crashing sound?"
Weiss nodded. "Yeah. That's the sound of the fourth wall coming down. Quick, better get going to Hana before we lose any pretense at maintaining the audience's credulity."