Chapter 23: in which we spin the roulette wheel of explanations and pick
one.
Weiss said, "Oh, speaking of the road to Hana? Mike, have you ever let Syd drive on a mission?"
"I don't know, I don't remember," Vaughn shrugged.
"You must not have, you'd remember. Believe me. Well, all I can say is, don't eat first."
"Huh?"
"Given the topic of your upcoming conversation. All I'm saying is that the road is full of ups and downs, curves, surprises. It is not for the weak of stomach. Kind of like." He stopped when he saw the look of disgust on Vaughn's face, "Okay, I've already made that analogy. But Sydney Bristow drives like she does everything else - with great..gusto. Gee, just imagine what---"
"Shut up NOW if you know what's good for you," Vaughn warned, nearly growling.
"But seriously, I'm glad you and Syd seem on the road to.where you should be. And finally, you grew some cajones."
"EXCUSE ME?"
"Okay, okay. It's sure easy to yank your chain, isn't it? Get out of here and go get yourself a lei."
"EXCUSE ME?"
'I meant a lei -- one of those flower thingies that go around your neck? It's your mind that's in the gutter, not mine." Weiss said innocently. Then spoiled the effect by smirking and saying, "Well, if I can't make analogies, at least let my have fun by using a pun." [Everyone is allowed to groan here. Okay, moving on now:]
Two hours later, Vaughn thought he knew why Weiss had been smirking about the road to Hana. Sydney drove like a freakin' maniac!
"OH MY GOD! Slow down!" Vaughn ordered as he grabbed onto the door handle of the car.
"C'mon, this is great. I love it. It's like driving a theme park ride, your own rollercoaster car, only this is real. Whoosh, zoom, right around all those curves!"
"The next sound is going to be Crash, Blam, Splat! As we drive into the side of the mountain! Weiss warned me."
She slowed down a fraction to look over at him. "Uh-oh. Weiss warned you. Did he tell you about that time in Switzerland?"
"What time in Switzerland?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Syd, I have the wire, I can call him."
"You didn't bring the wire. Tell me you didn't bring the wire," Sydney moaned.
Vaughn winced as they went around yet another hairpin curve at breakneck speed. "Yeah, I did. I don't have it on, but."
"Why? Why? I am starting to wonder about you two, I really am."
Vaughn looked at her sharply, wondering just what she might have overheard this morning. He didn't want to explain Weiss' sense of humor when he was this close.He said simply, "Well, after that fiasco in Nice, I am loathe to remove the wire when on a mission. I don't think that's unreasonable. Or inappropriate."
Anticipating the next curve, she just rolled her eyes and said nothing,. He continued, "Nice? Remember that? The date that ended in gunfire and death? All because I'd taken out the wire?"
"Oh. That."
"'Oh. That'? That's all you have to say about that?"
"I try to forget about that. I mean, I still can't believe that I agreed to it." She shook her head.
"Why?" he asked defensively.
"Oh, calm down. It's not that I didn't want to go. That I didn't have a good time. It's that I agreed to it knowing that you were, technically at least, still with Alice. That was kind of - scummy -- of me. As my mother pointed out."
"Your mother said that? Irina Derevko who, for ten years--" Vaughn asked incredulously.
Syd cut him off. "Yeah. When Irina Dereveko gives you a lecture on dating and sexual ethics, it's hard to look in the mirror the next day, let me tell you."
"No kidding," Vaughn groaned. Then his brow crinkled, "But wait a minute. How did your mother know?"
"How do you think? My father." Syd rolled her eyes.
"How did your father know?"
"Weiss, I'm assuming. Or one of Dad's contacts. He's got them everywhere. Our waiter in that restaurant probably owed Dad some favor. Everyone seems to owe him some favor. And sometimes I think he has everyone in his life bugged."
They looked at each other and began to laugh. Vaughn nodded, "Eww. Well, while that's not out of the question given that it's Jack Bristow we're talking about, I'm surprised I did not have a little conversation with him. You know the kind - where I end up staring at the end of his gun or see a fist coming my way. Because, you know, I was the scummy one, not you. The scumminess was all mine. In fact, I was not only the scum, I was the pond on which the scum floats."
"What? Oh, give it a rest. And pond? And yesterday I was the field? What is it with these landscape analogies?"
They looked at each other and said in unison. "Weiss."
Vaughn shook his head and said, "Well, good attempt at distracting me with the wire. But, what happened in Switzerland?"
Syd smiled ruefully. "Well, I was going, Weiss said, a little too fast around a curve and this stupid hiker jumped down from the side of the mountain. Kind of like this, where the road is carved out between the rock and the edge? And so I had to swerve, only there was a car coming the other way."
Vaughn swallowed hard and muttered something that sounded like, "And he wonders why I don't sleep when the two of them are on an op. If I'm not there, she runs amok, amok."
"Amok? Who uses the word amok?"
"Me, when I see my life flash before my eyes. All those old vocabulary lessons rush before my eyes along with the rest of my life. Syd! Keep your eyes on the road!"
"Vaughn, aren't you enjoying this?"
"I would if you'd just slow down a little or at least pay attention! That's IT! The next wide spot in the road, pull over. I'm taking over."
"Okay, fine, I want a chance to look at the scenery too."
"Yeah, I've really seen SO much scenery with the way you drive. Just a big blur of green as it goes by."
She bit her lip. Maybe she had been driving just a smidge too fast? Maybe she was just a little anxious? It had been fun, though. She liked racing around curves, testing her abilities, taking risks. Oh well, there was a driveby ahead. She pulled in slowly, carefully, aware that soon THE conversation would commence.
They both got out and strolled over to the railing, looking at the incredible vista. Endless blue ocean, bright blue sky, taro fields directly below them, everywhere lush greenness. Vaughn looked over at Sydney as she leaned over the railing, then leapt up and began walking along it. He looked over and rolled his eyes at the sheer drop below. He shook his head as he stifled the urge to pull her back to a safer spot. Syd caught the movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to face him and jumped down, propping her hip against the railing. She asked, "What is it? Why were you shaking your head?"
"You, Sydney Bristow, are." He trailed off and just stared at her.
"What?" She prodded with a smile.
"You.bring me back to life."
"What?"
"I just realized that, as much as there is no way on God's green earth I am ever letting you drive this road with me in the car again," he smiled, a huge smile that melted her right there, "I have never felt so alive as when I am with you. That when we aren't together, it's like my life is.." He stopped unable to find the correct words.
"A little less real? Everything seems muted, gray. Nothing seems quite real?"
"Yes!" He nodded.
"Me too," she agreed and looked out over the ocean. "Did Weiss tell you he actually reprimanded me for taking unnecessary risks early last week?"
"NO!" Vaughn grabbed Sydney's arms and spun her around to face him. "He did not. Syd, what the hell-?"
For once she was the one to look down. "He said that my behavior on missions in the last six months had become increasingly risky and.. And we are NOT going to go into what my dad had to say to me." She shook her head.
Vaughn pressed, squeezing her arm gently. "Why? What's been going on?"
"I was trying to feel something. Even if it was fear or the rush of adrenaline. Something. I felt like."
"Ever since the scene in the bar with Alice, you felt like you were just going through the motions?"
She looked up sharply and bit out, "Yes." Catching sight of the honesty in his face, she asked, "You too? Did Weiss know?"
"He seems to know EVERYTHING. He's starting to scare me."
"Scare you? Weiss?"
"Yeah. I mean, he was so against us in the beginning I have trouble seeing him as matchmaker. And I've wondered about the timing of this mission. But I guess it was just our luck or his, if he was playing matchmaker, that your original agent got appendicitis the morning of the op."
"What are you talking about? You were ALWAYS the assigned agent."
"WHAAT?"
"What are you carrying on about? I've been a nervous wreck ever since he told me that my request for you out of the choices he gave me was granted, the day after he filed the reprimand for my risky behavior. He encouraged me to ask for you, said we needed to settle this one way or another and this mission was a good way..You and I, we just didn't meet up until the day we left because you were out of the country." She trailed off as he shook his head.
"There's still something I'm missing, something about the timing, I don't know.But I do know that we have been so set up," Vaughn laughed.
"We'll have to think of a way to get him back," Sydney said, laughing as well.
"Really?" Vaughn asked as he moved his hands from her arms to her hips and pulled her close. "Really? Or will we have to thank him?" he murmured before leaning down and touching his lips to hers. Then he pulled back slightly, wanting to see her to know this was real, only to feel Syd reach up and pull his head back down. "Syd, I wasn't going anywhere. I just---" His words were stopped by her mouth. One of his hands immediately came up to cup her head and hold her in place, as if he were afraid that she might move away, she thought. Not a chance, not a chance. Then she stopped thinking as their lips met and pressed, and stroked until both knew they needed to stop. But didn't for a long time.
Another car pulled into the driveby and they pulled apart. They stood there for a second, just staring at each other. Suddenly, Vaughn reached into the back seat of the convertible and rummaged around in a duffel bag Weiss had handed him as he had left. "Aha! I knew it."
"What?"
"A camera." With a grin, he walked over to the couple getting out of the other car and asked them, "Would you take a picture of my wife and I? We don't have any pictures of the two of us on this vacation, do we?" Sydney gaped at him. "C'mon, don't you want some?" he asked.
And then turned red when she whispered back, "I want some all right, but it's not pictures that I want." He turned toward her and they both had begun to laugh when the woman called out, "That's it! Turn right now!" They did and the woman snapped several shots. Her husband noted, "My wife knew just when to get you to turn. Those will be perfect pictures. You both looked like you were having the time of your lives."
"We are," Sydney and Vaughn said in unison. Vaughn reached down and kissed her softly while the woman snapped another picture.
"This must be your honeymoon," she ventured while handing back the camera. "Yes," Sydney agreed. "Are you going to try to make it to Hana today?" When Syd nodded, the woman recommended that they try a waterfront restaurant in the tiny village and noted also that there was a general store with all sorts of souvenirs. The husband called out as he got back in his car, "The obligatory souvenir is the tshirt that reads, 'I did it on the road to Hana!'"
"Well, we are about to do it, alright," Syd noted as the couple drove off.
"Huh?" Vaughn asked in shock, looking around.
"Don't get too excited," she murmured with a downward glance and a smile. "I meant, we're finally going to have the conversation."
"Oh, that. Gee, I was hoping." Vaughn teased and pointed toward a trail head.
"No more dessert for you until we get to that restaurant. And we don't have time to make s'mores over a campfire out here." Syd giggled. "We need to finish the main course first - the explanation."
"That was a lousy analogy," Vaughn said. He groaned as Sydney hopped back up on the railing.
"I know. But then you're comparing me to Weiss, who is a master. Did you ever wonder if he read some book filled with analogies and memorized them all?"
"Actually, I wondered if he took a class in them. But that's enough about him. Do me a favor and GET DOWN."
"Why? Hand me the camera, I want to take a shot from this height."
"That's it," Vaughn ground out and leaning forward, grabbed her around the waist and hauled her over his shoulder. Slapping her lightly on the rear end, he tossed her into the car, passenger side and mumbled, "You're bad enough normally and Weiss had to put up with you taking what HE called 'unnecessary risks'? No wonder.."
He lost his train of thought as clipping her seatbelt, Syd smiled up at him. "Don't worry. I think those days are done. I don't think I'll need to jump out of buildings anymore to get my thrills. Or at least I hope not," She said archly.
Leaning toward her, he kissed her and promised, "I guarantee I can provide enough thrills to keep you satisfied."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, I've had months to think up enough scenarios to keep us busy for years."
He backed out of the overlook and started down the road. Sydney looked at him and said, "Speaking of the last few months."
"I know. It's time. Pull out the PDA and let's go through your list."
Sydney reached into the back seat and grabbed the PDA out of her purse. While she opened it up, she glanced toward the speedometer and muttered, "You could be driving a little slower."
"What? What did you say?"
"You're driving a little fast! Oh-my.Come on! Are you trying to kill us?"
"No. You were right, this is fun!"
"I've created a monster," Sydney moaned. Then looking at the screen of her PDA, she brightened. "No, that's right. You were a worm. That's option number one. I always liked that one. My mother said it was because I could feel powerful imaging you as a worm, that I could step on you or skewer you on a fishing hook for bait."
"Lovely analysis from Irina Derevko, the Dear Abby of the KGB," Vaughn muttered. "I suppose it could have been worse than a worm, .Wait a minute, I thought you told me that no one had seen this list!"
"No. You said, 'Tell me you haven't shown this list to anyone.' And I said, 'Okay.' It seemed to be exactly what you wanted to hear. And I never actually SHOWED her the list, we just talked about it. Now, if you had asked me, 'Did you create this list with anyone else?,' well then, that would have been different, wouldn't it? But, technically."
Vaughn ground his teeth. "I can see that asking you questions is going to be lots of fun. Tons of fun. Almost as much fun as interrogating your father."
"Thanks."
Vaughn mouthed, "Thanks? I compare her to Jack and she says, 'Thanks?'"
Sydney gave him a look. "Vaughn, why do you keep talking to yourself? Did you pick that up from Weiss too?" When he did not answer, she shrugged, "Okay, let's move on. Two, you wanted a girlfriend you could take to parties and your mom's for Thanksgiving and have around for..whatever. That was more important than anything else? Convenience. Lovely, using Alice as an escort service." He winced.
She continued, "Three, you were afraid to break the rule book. I'm a Bristow, rules aren't that important to me so I can't relate, I admit. As far as I'm concerned, you use the rule book when it's helps, when it doesn't -- just consult the 'screw it' chapter." She dimpled up at him, "I think you liked that strategy this morning."
He laughed and gave her a big smile. She stopped for a moment, staring at him. God, his smile. She was lucky that she'd never let him know what his smile did to her, or she could have never forced him into this conversation, had such fun torturing him that first day. If he'd asked her to stop and smiled at her, she would have been a goner. That was intel he was never going to get from her!
Her mother had cautioned her about giving the man too much knowledge. It made her shudder to think what that meant in light of her parents' relationship. Watching Vaughn negotiate a series of headache-inducing turns, she wondered if that advice meant her mother thought not telling her father that she was KGB, there to steal from him, was just a little, harmless, man-woman game? She shuddered; knowing her mother, that could be just what she thought. But then again that relationship would make anyone shudder on any number of given topics.
Shaking her head, she continued as they entered a straightaway, "Four, what is it my dad said - you were compartmentalizing a bit too much. My dad seems stuck on the notion of little boxes, for some reasons."
Vaughn muttered, "I'm not touching that analogy with a ten foot pole."
"What? What did you say?"
"Nothing, go on. I think you're up to five. What will that be Weiss' theory?"
"Yes. Five, Weiss thought that my dad was right-- that you were compartmentalizing, that you thought you were doing the right thing--"
Vaughn quoted with the patented Jack-sneer to the voice, "According to my naïve sense of morality."
Sydney raised an eyebrow, eerily reminiscent of Jack as he had said that phrase. As if that wasn't enough to make him nervous, she continued. "Yeah, Weiss said that you were playing by the rule book, but that when you got around me.."
"Weiss was right on that count. If asked, however, I will deny he was right about anything!" They smiled. Vaughn sighed and continued, "Whenever I was around you, I forgot about anything else. I lost control, that was the irony of it. The truth came out. If you had asked me, say when we were in Nice, the name of my girlfriend, I would have said, 'What girlfriend?' Or said your name. And if someone had asked me where I worked, I would have had to look at my id badge."
At her look of shocked recognition, which he didn't understand, he continued, "And that was a truth I didn't want to face because it meant I was out of control. Kind of like, when you were driving on this road?"
"That's very..Weissian of you. But no doubt, true," Sydney commented. Looking at him, she nodded and put her hand on his thigh. He wished he could put his hand on top of hers, but wham-around another curve. They smiled at each other as the car zipped around the edge of the road. Syd squeezed his leg and said, "I understand. That was number five, that you could not control yourself around me. I think number six might be that in a world like ours, in which we don't often seem to have much control, having some control, any control, becomes important, doesn't it?"
"Yes. And." He stopped while he gathered his thoughts and then continued, "Seven, if we're still numbering. Sometimes it's easier to be with someone for whom you don't have the strongest feelings, someone comfortable. That way you are still in control."
"It makes life easier, doesn't it?" Syd asked. He nodded. She closed the PDA and tossed it into the back seat with her free hand. She took a breath and looked at him as she said carefully, "I know. That's what I did with Noah. Being with someone who didn't really matter, in a way. And more importantly, I was trying to recreate the past, I think. The past when I didn't know what SD6 really was, before I met Danny, before my work got him killed. I think I thought that if I could just pick up with Noah, then all that never really happened."
"Yes. He represented an easier life, less complicated, more unaware of the complexities of real life, our lives, the lives we've chosen. That's number eight, I think." Vaughn stopped and took a deep breath before continuing and then cocked his head, hearing in the distance the sound of a drumroll, "And that's THE reason, the big reason."
"It is?" Sydney asked softly.
"You know it is. You knew it the minute I blurted it out yesterday afternoon, didn't you? That's what you were typing in your PDA. That's why you got so slap happy. Because you'd figured it out."
"Yes. But how did you-"
"I remember your father telling me once, well, lecturing me actually. That when you're interrogating someone to pay attention to the little things the person blurts out. That those comments are usually the key." Vaughn shrugged.
Sydney burst out laughing. "My father needs to write a book. But then again, I think he's going to be IN a book. I think that's why Barnett keeps hounding him about additional sessions. I think she's trying to write a book on the ultimate dysfuncational relationship."
"Well, we were running a close second. Let's not get distracted by your parents, that could take the rest of our lives."
"Sorry," Sydney winced.
"No. I understand. When YOUR parents are one's models for relationships, well, let's say that it's a good idea to review the situation, assumptions, mistakes. But let me finish talking about my own idiocy. You didn't fit into this easy life I thought I wanted and I thought I could compartmentalize. Like Noah for you, Alice represented for me this easier past, before I knew you, before my life got so complicated. I thought I wanted the easier, calmer, flatter middle road rather than what we had together." As he said, that he took a curve too fast and Sydney shrieked as she reached out a hand to steady herself.
"Vaughn! Watch it! This road we're on requires a little more attention than.."
They looked at each other and began laughing. Vaughn shook his head as he asked, "Another analogy? Oh no. Weiss would love this one."
"That's why he was smirking about us going on the road to Hana, I bet," Sydney laughed.
"No, he was smirking because he said you were a crazy driver who would make me lose my lunch."
"He did NOT! Oh, he is so dead."
"You know, he was the one to push me to ask you out in France."
"He was?"
"Yeah. Although to be perfectly honest, he told me to tell you how I felt. And me, I thought asking you on a date would be enough, that I wouldn't have to actually SAY anything. Being my usual cowardly self when it comes to confronting."
"Your feelings?" She rolled her eyes. "Men."
"Stop it. But are we done now?" Vaughn asked hopefully.
Sydney laughed and said, "Almost. Just a final question, I still don't get something. So you asked me out in Nice, hoping what? Besides, perhaps, the obvious?"
"Hoping? Who knows what I was hoping? I wasn't applying game theory to that night!"
When she looked perplexed, he continued, "Honestly, don't you remember? After I killed those two SD-6 goons in the alley behind the restaurant - what did I do? I tried to grab you and I intended to kiss you. For the love of God, there are dead bodies lying next to us, the smell of blood and bullets in the air, Ariana Kane is squawking on the com unit and what do I do - try and grab you to have our first kiss? All the while still having a girlfriend, in name anyway, at home. Does that sound like the actions of a man who is in control?"
"No," Sydney said slowly. "That sounds like the actions of a man.." She trailed off and waited.
"A man deeply confused. On the one hand, a man desperately trying to avoid his fate for fear of the loss of control and on the other, a man desperately trying to embrace his fate because he knows that's the only way he'll ever be happy." Vaughn said softly. "A man desperately in love with a woman. A stupid, clueless, desperate man. Who hopes you'll forgive him and."
"Pull into that overlook," Sydney interrupted him and pointed to an upcoming driveby.
"Huh?"
"Just do it! And by the way, you need to review those vocabulary lessons, Vaughn. You say 'huh?' a lot. Good thing for you, I'm an English major. I can give you those lessons anytime."
As Vaughn pulled in, he looked at her, "You know, Syd, I was baring my soul back there and you're talking about vocabulary lessons? Doesn't do much for- --Umph!" He said as she grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
"Stop complaining, you idiot and kiss me. I'm trying to tell you, nonverbally, since I don't think you aced your verbal SATs," she paused and squealed when he gave her jaw a pinch. "I wanted to tell you that I love you, I forgive you. Even though you are stupid and clueless." She dimpled up at him again.
He groaned, "This is going to become 'our' little joke for the rest of our lives, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I think so. And I wanted to reward you for saying all those things when you could concentrate on us, not on the road. I'd hate for you to have to explain a car wreck to my father. Come here." She pulled his head to hers and their lips met in a kiss, finally free of the past, able to look toward the future.
Much later that night, Sydney and Vaughn were finishing up dinner in the waterfront restaurant the other tourists had recommended. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted dessert. Sydney giggled and the waitress gave a sideways glance to the nearly-empty bottle of champagne in the ice bucket. No doubt thinking it would be best for this female customer to eat a little more, she pressed, "We have a wonderful selection. Tiramisu, homemade French cream horns---" she broke off when Sydney began giggling again.
Vaughn kicked her under the table, but had trouble keeping a straight face himself. He choked out, "Continue, please." The waitress looked from one to the other, feeling relief that in a village as small as Hana the couple had no doubt walked over from their hotel and she did not have to worry about them driving drunk. Still, it would be better if they ate a little something more or she was afraid they might fall into a ditch. "We also have a wide variety of pies. We're famous for our cream pies. Does that tempt you?"
She stared in bemusement as the couple both collapsed in laughter.
Sydney said, with tears running down her face, "I'll have the.banana.cream pie myself. Vaughn, how about you?"
His face bright red, Vaughn was laughing as he said, "Nothing for me. Right now." As the waitress shrugged and turned away, he said to Sydney, "I'm planning on stopping in that general store on the way back to the hotel and buying some whipped topping for my own dessert. You know, to frost the pie?"
Weiss said, "Oh, speaking of the road to Hana? Mike, have you ever let Syd drive on a mission?"
"I don't know, I don't remember," Vaughn shrugged.
"You must not have, you'd remember. Believe me. Well, all I can say is, don't eat first."
"Huh?"
"Given the topic of your upcoming conversation. All I'm saying is that the road is full of ups and downs, curves, surprises. It is not for the weak of stomach. Kind of like." He stopped when he saw the look of disgust on Vaughn's face, "Okay, I've already made that analogy. But Sydney Bristow drives like she does everything else - with great..gusto. Gee, just imagine what---"
"Shut up NOW if you know what's good for you," Vaughn warned, nearly growling.
"But seriously, I'm glad you and Syd seem on the road to.where you should be. And finally, you grew some cajones."
"EXCUSE ME?"
"Okay, okay. It's sure easy to yank your chain, isn't it? Get out of here and go get yourself a lei."
"EXCUSE ME?"
'I meant a lei -- one of those flower thingies that go around your neck? It's your mind that's in the gutter, not mine." Weiss said innocently. Then spoiled the effect by smirking and saying, "Well, if I can't make analogies, at least let my have fun by using a pun." [Everyone is allowed to groan here. Okay, moving on now:]
Two hours later, Vaughn thought he knew why Weiss had been smirking about the road to Hana. Sydney drove like a freakin' maniac!
"OH MY GOD! Slow down!" Vaughn ordered as he grabbed onto the door handle of the car.
"C'mon, this is great. I love it. It's like driving a theme park ride, your own rollercoaster car, only this is real. Whoosh, zoom, right around all those curves!"
"The next sound is going to be Crash, Blam, Splat! As we drive into the side of the mountain! Weiss warned me."
She slowed down a fraction to look over at him. "Uh-oh. Weiss warned you. Did he tell you about that time in Switzerland?"
"What time in Switzerland?"
"Oh, nothing."
"Syd, I have the wire, I can call him."
"You didn't bring the wire. Tell me you didn't bring the wire," Sydney moaned.
Vaughn winced as they went around yet another hairpin curve at breakneck speed. "Yeah, I did. I don't have it on, but."
"Why? Why? I am starting to wonder about you two, I really am."
Vaughn looked at her sharply, wondering just what she might have overheard this morning. He didn't want to explain Weiss' sense of humor when he was this close.He said simply, "Well, after that fiasco in Nice, I am loathe to remove the wire when on a mission. I don't think that's unreasonable. Or inappropriate."
Anticipating the next curve, she just rolled her eyes and said nothing,. He continued, "Nice? Remember that? The date that ended in gunfire and death? All because I'd taken out the wire?"
"Oh. That."
"'Oh. That'? That's all you have to say about that?"
"I try to forget about that. I mean, I still can't believe that I agreed to it." She shook her head.
"Why?" he asked defensively.
"Oh, calm down. It's not that I didn't want to go. That I didn't have a good time. It's that I agreed to it knowing that you were, technically at least, still with Alice. That was kind of - scummy -- of me. As my mother pointed out."
"Your mother said that? Irina Derevko who, for ten years--" Vaughn asked incredulously.
Syd cut him off. "Yeah. When Irina Dereveko gives you a lecture on dating and sexual ethics, it's hard to look in the mirror the next day, let me tell you."
"No kidding," Vaughn groaned. Then his brow crinkled, "But wait a minute. How did your mother know?"
"How do you think? My father." Syd rolled her eyes.
"How did your father know?"
"Weiss, I'm assuming. Or one of Dad's contacts. He's got them everywhere. Our waiter in that restaurant probably owed Dad some favor. Everyone seems to owe him some favor. And sometimes I think he has everyone in his life bugged."
They looked at each other and began to laugh. Vaughn nodded, "Eww. Well, while that's not out of the question given that it's Jack Bristow we're talking about, I'm surprised I did not have a little conversation with him. You know the kind - where I end up staring at the end of his gun or see a fist coming my way. Because, you know, I was the scummy one, not you. The scumminess was all mine. In fact, I was not only the scum, I was the pond on which the scum floats."
"What? Oh, give it a rest. And pond? And yesterday I was the field? What is it with these landscape analogies?"
They looked at each other and said in unison. "Weiss."
Vaughn shook his head and said, "Well, good attempt at distracting me with the wire. But, what happened in Switzerland?"
Syd smiled ruefully. "Well, I was going, Weiss said, a little too fast around a curve and this stupid hiker jumped down from the side of the mountain. Kind of like this, where the road is carved out between the rock and the edge? And so I had to swerve, only there was a car coming the other way."
Vaughn swallowed hard and muttered something that sounded like, "And he wonders why I don't sleep when the two of them are on an op. If I'm not there, she runs amok, amok."
"Amok? Who uses the word amok?"
"Me, when I see my life flash before my eyes. All those old vocabulary lessons rush before my eyes along with the rest of my life. Syd! Keep your eyes on the road!"
"Vaughn, aren't you enjoying this?"
"I would if you'd just slow down a little or at least pay attention! That's IT! The next wide spot in the road, pull over. I'm taking over."
"Okay, fine, I want a chance to look at the scenery too."
"Yeah, I've really seen SO much scenery with the way you drive. Just a big blur of green as it goes by."
She bit her lip. Maybe she had been driving just a smidge too fast? Maybe she was just a little anxious? It had been fun, though. She liked racing around curves, testing her abilities, taking risks. Oh well, there was a driveby ahead. She pulled in slowly, carefully, aware that soon THE conversation would commence.
They both got out and strolled over to the railing, looking at the incredible vista. Endless blue ocean, bright blue sky, taro fields directly below them, everywhere lush greenness. Vaughn looked over at Sydney as she leaned over the railing, then leapt up and began walking along it. He looked over and rolled his eyes at the sheer drop below. He shook his head as he stifled the urge to pull her back to a safer spot. Syd caught the movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to face him and jumped down, propping her hip against the railing. She asked, "What is it? Why were you shaking your head?"
"You, Sydney Bristow, are." He trailed off and just stared at her.
"What?" She prodded with a smile.
"You.bring me back to life."
"What?"
"I just realized that, as much as there is no way on God's green earth I am ever letting you drive this road with me in the car again," he smiled, a huge smile that melted her right there, "I have never felt so alive as when I am with you. That when we aren't together, it's like my life is.." He stopped unable to find the correct words.
"A little less real? Everything seems muted, gray. Nothing seems quite real?"
"Yes!" He nodded.
"Me too," she agreed and looked out over the ocean. "Did Weiss tell you he actually reprimanded me for taking unnecessary risks early last week?"
"NO!" Vaughn grabbed Sydney's arms and spun her around to face him. "He did not. Syd, what the hell-?"
For once she was the one to look down. "He said that my behavior on missions in the last six months had become increasingly risky and.. And we are NOT going to go into what my dad had to say to me." She shook her head.
Vaughn pressed, squeezing her arm gently. "Why? What's been going on?"
"I was trying to feel something. Even if it was fear or the rush of adrenaline. Something. I felt like."
"Ever since the scene in the bar with Alice, you felt like you were just going through the motions?"
She looked up sharply and bit out, "Yes." Catching sight of the honesty in his face, she asked, "You too? Did Weiss know?"
"He seems to know EVERYTHING. He's starting to scare me."
"Scare you? Weiss?"
"Yeah. I mean, he was so against us in the beginning I have trouble seeing him as matchmaker. And I've wondered about the timing of this mission. But I guess it was just our luck or his, if he was playing matchmaker, that your original agent got appendicitis the morning of the op."
"What are you talking about? You were ALWAYS the assigned agent."
"WHAAT?"
"What are you carrying on about? I've been a nervous wreck ever since he told me that my request for you out of the choices he gave me was granted, the day after he filed the reprimand for my risky behavior. He encouraged me to ask for you, said we needed to settle this one way or another and this mission was a good way..You and I, we just didn't meet up until the day we left because you were out of the country." She trailed off as he shook his head.
"There's still something I'm missing, something about the timing, I don't know.But I do know that we have been so set up," Vaughn laughed.
"We'll have to think of a way to get him back," Sydney said, laughing as well.
"Really?" Vaughn asked as he moved his hands from her arms to her hips and pulled her close. "Really? Or will we have to thank him?" he murmured before leaning down and touching his lips to hers. Then he pulled back slightly, wanting to see her to know this was real, only to feel Syd reach up and pull his head back down. "Syd, I wasn't going anywhere. I just---" His words were stopped by her mouth. One of his hands immediately came up to cup her head and hold her in place, as if he were afraid that she might move away, she thought. Not a chance, not a chance. Then she stopped thinking as their lips met and pressed, and stroked until both knew they needed to stop. But didn't for a long time.
Another car pulled into the driveby and they pulled apart. They stood there for a second, just staring at each other. Suddenly, Vaughn reached into the back seat of the convertible and rummaged around in a duffel bag Weiss had handed him as he had left. "Aha! I knew it."
"What?"
"A camera." With a grin, he walked over to the couple getting out of the other car and asked them, "Would you take a picture of my wife and I? We don't have any pictures of the two of us on this vacation, do we?" Sydney gaped at him. "C'mon, don't you want some?" he asked.
And then turned red when she whispered back, "I want some all right, but it's not pictures that I want." He turned toward her and they both had begun to laugh when the woman called out, "That's it! Turn right now!" They did and the woman snapped several shots. Her husband noted, "My wife knew just when to get you to turn. Those will be perfect pictures. You both looked like you were having the time of your lives."
"We are," Sydney and Vaughn said in unison. Vaughn reached down and kissed her softly while the woman snapped another picture.
"This must be your honeymoon," she ventured while handing back the camera. "Yes," Sydney agreed. "Are you going to try to make it to Hana today?" When Syd nodded, the woman recommended that they try a waterfront restaurant in the tiny village and noted also that there was a general store with all sorts of souvenirs. The husband called out as he got back in his car, "The obligatory souvenir is the tshirt that reads, 'I did it on the road to Hana!'"
"Well, we are about to do it, alright," Syd noted as the couple drove off.
"Huh?" Vaughn asked in shock, looking around.
"Don't get too excited," she murmured with a downward glance and a smile. "I meant, we're finally going to have the conversation."
"Oh, that. Gee, I was hoping." Vaughn teased and pointed toward a trail head.
"No more dessert for you until we get to that restaurant. And we don't have time to make s'mores over a campfire out here." Syd giggled. "We need to finish the main course first - the explanation."
"That was a lousy analogy," Vaughn said. He groaned as Sydney hopped back up on the railing.
"I know. But then you're comparing me to Weiss, who is a master. Did you ever wonder if he read some book filled with analogies and memorized them all?"
"Actually, I wondered if he took a class in them. But that's enough about him. Do me a favor and GET DOWN."
"Why? Hand me the camera, I want to take a shot from this height."
"That's it," Vaughn ground out and leaning forward, grabbed her around the waist and hauled her over his shoulder. Slapping her lightly on the rear end, he tossed her into the car, passenger side and mumbled, "You're bad enough normally and Weiss had to put up with you taking what HE called 'unnecessary risks'? No wonder.."
He lost his train of thought as clipping her seatbelt, Syd smiled up at him. "Don't worry. I think those days are done. I don't think I'll need to jump out of buildings anymore to get my thrills. Or at least I hope not," She said archly.
Leaning toward her, he kissed her and promised, "I guarantee I can provide enough thrills to keep you satisfied."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah, I've had months to think up enough scenarios to keep us busy for years."
He backed out of the overlook and started down the road. Sydney looked at him and said, "Speaking of the last few months."
"I know. It's time. Pull out the PDA and let's go through your list."
Sydney reached into the back seat and grabbed the PDA out of her purse. While she opened it up, she glanced toward the speedometer and muttered, "You could be driving a little slower."
"What? What did you say?"
"You're driving a little fast! Oh-my.Come on! Are you trying to kill us?"
"No. You were right, this is fun!"
"I've created a monster," Sydney moaned. Then looking at the screen of her PDA, she brightened. "No, that's right. You were a worm. That's option number one. I always liked that one. My mother said it was because I could feel powerful imaging you as a worm, that I could step on you or skewer you on a fishing hook for bait."
"Lovely analysis from Irina Derevko, the Dear Abby of the KGB," Vaughn muttered. "I suppose it could have been worse than a worm, .Wait a minute, I thought you told me that no one had seen this list!"
"No. You said, 'Tell me you haven't shown this list to anyone.' And I said, 'Okay.' It seemed to be exactly what you wanted to hear. And I never actually SHOWED her the list, we just talked about it. Now, if you had asked me, 'Did you create this list with anyone else?,' well then, that would have been different, wouldn't it? But, technically."
Vaughn ground his teeth. "I can see that asking you questions is going to be lots of fun. Tons of fun. Almost as much fun as interrogating your father."
"Thanks."
Vaughn mouthed, "Thanks? I compare her to Jack and she says, 'Thanks?'"
Sydney gave him a look. "Vaughn, why do you keep talking to yourself? Did you pick that up from Weiss too?" When he did not answer, she shrugged, "Okay, let's move on. Two, you wanted a girlfriend you could take to parties and your mom's for Thanksgiving and have around for..whatever. That was more important than anything else? Convenience. Lovely, using Alice as an escort service." He winced.
She continued, "Three, you were afraid to break the rule book. I'm a Bristow, rules aren't that important to me so I can't relate, I admit. As far as I'm concerned, you use the rule book when it's helps, when it doesn't -- just consult the 'screw it' chapter." She dimpled up at him, "I think you liked that strategy this morning."
He laughed and gave her a big smile. She stopped for a moment, staring at him. God, his smile. She was lucky that she'd never let him know what his smile did to her, or she could have never forced him into this conversation, had such fun torturing him that first day. If he'd asked her to stop and smiled at her, she would have been a goner. That was intel he was never going to get from her!
Her mother had cautioned her about giving the man too much knowledge. It made her shudder to think what that meant in light of her parents' relationship. Watching Vaughn negotiate a series of headache-inducing turns, she wondered if that advice meant her mother thought not telling her father that she was KGB, there to steal from him, was just a little, harmless, man-woman game? She shuddered; knowing her mother, that could be just what she thought. But then again that relationship would make anyone shudder on any number of given topics.
Shaking her head, she continued as they entered a straightaway, "Four, what is it my dad said - you were compartmentalizing a bit too much. My dad seems stuck on the notion of little boxes, for some reasons."
Vaughn muttered, "I'm not touching that analogy with a ten foot pole."
"What? What did you say?"
"Nothing, go on. I think you're up to five. What will that be Weiss' theory?"
"Yes. Five, Weiss thought that my dad was right-- that you were compartmentalizing, that you thought you were doing the right thing--"
Vaughn quoted with the patented Jack-sneer to the voice, "According to my naïve sense of morality."
Sydney raised an eyebrow, eerily reminiscent of Jack as he had said that phrase. As if that wasn't enough to make him nervous, she continued. "Yeah, Weiss said that you were playing by the rule book, but that when you got around me.."
"Weiss was right on that count. If asked, however, I will deny he was right about anything!" They smiled. Vaughn sighed and continued, "Whenever I was around you, I forgot about anything else. I lost control, that was the irony of it. The truth came out. If you had asked me, say when we were in Nice, the name of my girlfriend, I would have said, 'What girlfriend?' Or said your name. And if someone had asked me where I worked, I would have had to look at my id badge."
At her look of shocked recognition, which he didn't understand, he continued, "And that was a truth I didn't want to face because it meant I was out of control. Kind of like, when you were driving on this road?"
"That's very..Weissian of you. But no doubt, true," Sydney commented. Looking at him, she nodded and put her hand on his thigh. He wished he could put his hand on top of hers, but wham-around another curve. They smiled at each other as the car zipped around the edge of the road. Syd squeezed his leg and said, "I understand. That was number five, that you could not control yourself around me. I think number six might be that in a world like ours, in which we don't often seem to have much control, having some control, any control, becomes important, doesn't it?"
"Yes. And." He stopped while he gathered his thoughts and then continued, "Seven, if we're still numbering. Sometimes it's easier to be with someone for whom you don't have the strongest feelings, someone comfortable. That way you are still in control."
"It makes life easier, doesn't it?" Syd asked. He nodded. She closed the PDA and tossed it into the back seat with her free hand. She took a breath and looked at him as she said carefully, "I know. That's what I did with Noah. Being with someone who didn't really matter, in a way. And more importantly, I was trying to recreate the past, I think. The past when I didn't know what SD6 really was, before I met Danny, before my work got him killed. I think I thought that if I could just pick up with Noah, then all that never really happened."
"Yes. He represented an easier life, less complicated, more unaware of the complexities of real life, our lives, the lives we've chosen. That's number eight, I think." Vaughn stopped and took a deep breath before continuing and then cocked his head, hearing in the distance the sound of a drumroll, "And that's THE reason, the big reason."
"It is?" Sydney asked softly.
"You know it is. You knew it the minute I blurted it out yesterday afternoon, didn't you? That's what you were typing in your PDA. That's why you got so slap happy. Because you'd figured it out."
"Yes. But how did you-"
"I remember your father telling me once, well, lecturing me actually. That when you're interrogating someone to pay attention to the little things the person blurts out. That those comments are usually the key." Vaughn shrugged.
Sydney burst out laughing. "My father needs to write a book. But then again, I think he's going to be IN a book. I think that's why Barnett keeps hounding him about additional sessions. I think she's trying to write a book on the ultimate dysfuncational relationship."
"Well, we were running a close second. Let's not get distracted by your parents, that could take the rest of our lives."
"Sorry," Sydney winced.
"No. I understand. When YOUR parents are one's models for relationships, well, let's say that it's a good idea to review the situation, assumptions, mistakes. But let me finish talking about my own idiocy. You didn't fit into this easy life I thought I wanted and I thought I could compartmentalize. Like Noah for you, Alice represented for me this easier past, before I knew you, before my life got so complicated. I thought I wanted the easier, calmer, flatter middle road rather than what we had together." As he said, that he took a curve too fast and Sydney shrieked as she reached out a hand to steady herself.
"Vaughn! Watch it! This road we're on requires a little more attention than.."
They looked at each other and began laughing. Vaughn shook his head as he asked, "Another analogy? Oh no. Weiss would love this one."
"That's why he was smirking about us going on the road to Hana, I bet," Sydney laughed.
"No, he was smirking because he said you were a crazy driver who would make me lose my lunch."
"He did NOT! Oh, he is so dead."
"You know, he was the one to push me to ask you out in France."
"He was?"
"Yeah. Although to be perfectly honest, he told me to tell you how I felt. And me, I thought asking you on a date would be enough, that I wouldn't have to actually SAY anything. Being my usual cowardly self when it comes to confronting."
"Your feelings?" She rolled her eyes. "Men."
"Stop it. But are we done now?" Vaughn asked hopefully.
Sydney laughed and said, "Almost. Just a final question, I still don't get something. So you asked me out in Nice, hoping what? Besides, perhaps, the obvious?"
"Hoping? Who knows what I was hoping? I wasn't applying game theory to that night!"
When she looked perplexed, he continued, "Honestly, don't you remember? After I killed those two SD-6 goons in the alley behind the restaurant - what did I do? I tried to grab you and I intended to kiss you. For the love of God, there are dead bodies lying next to us, the smell of blood and bullets in the air, Ariana Kane is squawking on the com unit and what do I do - try and grab you to have our first kiss? All the while still having a girlfriend, in name anyway, at home. Does that sound like the actions of a man who is in control?"
"No," Sydney said slowly. "That sounds like the actions of a man.." She trailed off and waited.
"A man deeply confused. On the one hand, a man desperately trying to avoid his fate for fear of the loss of control and on the other, a man desperately trying to embrace his fate because he knows that's the only way he'll ever be happy." Vaughn said softly. "A man desperately in love with a woman. A stupid, clueless, desperate man. Who hopes you'll forgive him and."
"Pull into that overlook," Sydney interrupted him and pointed to an upcoming driveby.
"Huh?"
"Just do it! And by the way, you need to review those vocabulary lessons, Vaughn. You say 'huh?' a lot. Good thing for you, I'm an English major. I can give you those lessons anytime."
As Vaughn pulled in, he looked at her, "You know, Syd, I was baring my soul back there and you're talking about vocabulary lessons? Doesn't do much for- --Umph!" He said as she grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
"Stop complaining, you idiot and kiss me. I'm trying to tell you, nonverbally, since I don't think you aced your verbal SATs," she paused and squealed when he gave her jaw a pinch. "I wanted to tell you that I love you, I forgive you. Even though you are stupid and clueless." She dimpled up at him again.
He groaned, "This is going to become 'our' little joke for the rest of our lives, isn't it?"
"Yeah. I think so. And I wanted to reward you for saying all those things when you could concentrate on us, not on the road. I'd hate for you to have to explain a car wreck to my father. Come here." She pulled his head to hers and their lips met in a kiss, finally free of the past, able to look toward the future.
Much later that night, Sydney and Vaughn were finishing up dinner in the waterfront restaurant the other tourists had recommended. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted dessert. Sydney giggled and the waitress gave a sideways glance to the nearly-empty bottle of champagne in the ice bucket. No doubt thinking it would be best for this female customer to eat a little more, she pressed, "We have a wonderful selection. Tiramisu, homemade French cream horns---" she broke off when Sydney began giggling again.
Vaughn kicked her under the table, but had trouble keeping a straight face himself. He choked out, "Continue, please." The waitress looked from one to the other, feeling relief that in a village as small as Hana the couple had no doubt walked over from their hotel and she did not have to worry about them driving drunk. Still, it would be better if they ate a little something more or she was afraid they might fall into a ditch. "We also have a wide variety of pies. We're famous for our cream pies. Does that tempt you?"
She stared in bemusement as the couple both collapsed in laughter.
Sydney said, with tears running down her face, "I'll have the.banana.cream pie myself. Vaughn, how about you?"
His face bright red, Vaughn was laughing as he said, "Nothing for me. Right now." As the waitress shrugged and turned away, he said to Sydney, "I'm planning on stopping in that general store on the way back to the hotel and buying some whipped topping for my own dessert. You know, to frost the pie?"