Chapter 24: in which the author honors her grandmother's love of Abbott and
Costello.
The sun streaming into the room gradually woke them up. Vaughn turned toward the clock and grimaced. They did have to get up. They needed to catch that helicopter. Flipping back toward Sydney, he smiled when he saw she was awake. Giving him a soft smile, she reached up and putting her hands around his neck asked, "Is it time to get up?" "Almost" he whispered back. "Let's just lie here a while," she suggested. "Sure," he agreed as he buried his face in her neck. Running his hands up and down her back, he savored the moment as she caressed his shoulders. He could practically hear her brain humming away and finally leaned back with a smile, smoothing her hair away from her face.
"What, what are you thinking?" Vaughn asked her.
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"Yesterday was the best day of my life."
"Guess what? It was mine too."
They ran from the helicopter over to the transport plane with just moments to spare. Weiss waved them in and helped Vaughn with the gear. Once it was stowed, Sydney turned to Weiss.
"Weiss," Syd said with a huge smile. "Thank you for yesterday. Do you know what we did?"
"There's so much I could say to that, but I'll pass. I'm all out of analogies."
Vaughn went, "Humph. Like that's likely. But I have a question, about timing."
"Don't tell me you're still having that...problem, Mike."
"No, I'm not having..That's not what I meant!"
"While you're collecting your thoughts," Weiss rolled his eyes, "Let me answer Syd's question, first. So, let me see. Everything worked out. Vaughn finally confessed the reason for his stupidity. You ate a nice dinner, had some champagne, a decadent dessert," Sydney choked and Vaughn began laughing. Weiss gave them a curious glance, before continuing, "Walked on the beach, visited the general store, bought the obligatory t- shirt, and then blah, blah, blah, nothing else I need to know about." Weiss said with a huge grin. "Looks like everything is going well."
"Yes," Vaughn said with a smile in Sydney's direction, "But I'm curious about something. How did you know about dessert in that restaurant, the general store, and the walk on the beach?"
"Huh?"
Sydney laughed, "You've been spending too much time with Vaughn. You're usually more articulate than that, Weiss!"
"Oh, stop it, Syd. Don't you think it's curious that Weiss knows about all that?" Vaughn asked her.
Sydney shrugged. "Stop being so paranoid. What else would we do in that dinky little town but eat in the only nice restaurant and then walk on the beach?"
"Hmm. It's still odd. But to get back to my original question. Weiss, both you and Jack and apparently every woman who watches the show thinks it was scummy of me to be asking Syd out while going out with Alice. Right?"
"Well, that's what the internet chats say, anyway."
"But the timing of this mission---"
"We'll get to that later. My phone is vibrating. And while that's as close as I come to a thrill these days, I still would like to answer it."
"Oh, no, you don't! Enjoy the buzz for a moment. Syd tells me that you had already set me up as the male agent on this mission a week ago. Which is NOT what you told me."
"What's a small white lie between friends? I mean, if you can't lie to your friends to whom can you lie?"
"That's, that's..IDIOTIC! And a week ago I was still going out with Alice. So why would you---"
"Oops, gotta go. This vibrating is getting a little too..exciting for me in my recently-celibate state. Well, seemingly-endless celibate state. Why don't you go check out the new sodas in the refrigerator?"
"Why don't I WHAT?"
"We have a whole new bunch of sodas on board for the return flight. You should be interested. I mean, knowing how much you love soda."
"What in the name of God are you talking about?"
"You're always offering sodas to people. Like Manolo, other people you interrogate. You always say, 'Would you like a soda?' That's bizarre, frankly. Unique interview style. What's up with that, anyway? Don't think you got that from Jack. He's more the 'tell me what I want to know or I'll break your face' kinda guy."
"Weiss.."
"Wait a minute, before I answer the phone, I've got a question, been bugging me. So, am I right in that the Noah question you asked two days ago was key or what? Was it that you went out with Alice for the same reason that Syd went out with Noah - pretending that life was easier than it really is, thinking you could ignore the consequences of your own choices?"
Vaughn stared at him in shock. "How did you----"
"Oh, Jack told me---"
"Let me guess, pay attention to what people blurt out?" Vaughn asked, shaking his head.
Sydney laughed, "That must be standard training procedure for him. He told me that too. That's how I knew, when Vaughn blurted that out, that it was the key." Weiss nodded. Sydney continued, "Weiss, we need to thank you."
"Don't worry about it. My, um, pleasure, I guess. Well, maybe pleasure is too strong of a word, but." He trailed off as he glanced at this cell phone, still vibrating. Noting the number, he blanched. "Sorry, guys, I really have to take this call," he muttered and walked away.
Vaughn sighed, "We really do need to thank him, even though he drives me nuts. You know, I've been thinking. Your father, and I hate to tell you this, did call me twice to...I guess the correct word is encourage me. Or maybe scare me. I don't know. But, don't tell me we have to thank your father too. Weiss is going to be bad enough as it is."
"And then there's my mother, who also kept encouraging me.." Syd trailed off, thinking.
Vaughn met her eyes, "So, do you think it's a coincidence that all three of them were pushing us at the same time?"
"I'd worry, except for the fact that no way in hell would my father EVER work with my mother on anything involving my personal life."
"Yeah. You're right. It was probably all Weiss, and everything else was just coincidence. I mean it was over a year ago that your father gave me that lecture and probably much longer ago that he gave you the same lecture, right?"
"Years ago, actually."
"Well, this Noah thing - what he meant to you. I still can't believe that Weiss figured it out. You figured it out. Wish I'd done it myself in terms of Alice, before."
"Well, in my case, I wanted to figure it out because on the one hand it was too soon after Danny. And on the other hand, if I were going to move on with someone else, it made no sense to be with Noah, because even though it was early days, you and I, well, we were already, kind of."
"I know. I was jealous," Vaughn said with a slow smile in her direction.
"Were you?" She smiled. "You shouldn't have been. I almost said your name.." She stopped and looked away. He looked away and smiled too. He was going to have to tell her about Astrid---
That totally ridiculous story. Truthfully, although he was not in the Jack Bristow lying league, even he could have come up with a better one. He'd wanted it to be over and that incident was just a convenient excuse, a way to force her to cut them loose. He truly was scum. Cowardly scum. Just like the other day, when he'd avoided talking about it when he'd had all day driving around in that car on that stupid mission, that scavenger hunt. Blurting out that question about Noah, when as Syd had done with Noah, he should have thought about it a little harder and figured it out. But then again, if a whole team of writers hadn't come up with a reasonable expectation, who was he to do so?
"So you tried to compartmentalize. And that worked really well, didn't it?" Syd asked, softening the question with a smile.
"You sound like your father. Great. But you're right. And you cannot compartmentalize the heart. Doesn't work."
"Nope. Let's grab a soda and sit down."
"Oh, wow. There are tons of new brands in here," Vaughn said while Sydney rolled her eyes.
"Mike's getting suspicious. He's starting to put two and two together. No. I did NOT blow it, thank you very much. It's the timing thing. Yeah, he's better than we thought. Syd? She's not saying anything, can't tell if she has a clue or doesn't care or is afraid to ask. Distract him? Sure, I can do that. I saved something or two just in case. I may not be Mr. Games Theorist like someone I know, but I can babble with the best of them. Later. This should be good. All those hours spent watching old tv finally pays off."
As Weiss strolled back over to the group, Vaughn looked up and asked him sharply, "Who was that?"
W: "Why do you want to know?"
V: "Why are you reluctant to tell me who that was?"
W: "Who was where?"
V: "There, on the phone."
W: "When?"
V: "Just NOW. When you couldn't wait to answer.'
W: "Oh, that. Well, did you ever think it was personal?"
V: "Oh, sorry. But, no, wait a minute. You were on a secure line. And besides, what's personal with you?"
W: "Don't you mean, 'Who's personal with me?'"
V: "Who, what? No, WHEN did you get a personal life?"
W: "Hey, I have my fish and.."
V: "And what?"
W: "Don't be so suspicious. What is it with you?"
V: 'Me?"
W: "Yeah, you."
V: "This isn't about ME! It's about you!"
W: "Me?"
V: "Yeah, YOU!"
W: "Oh, me? Or would that be 'oh, my'? No, wrong movie. We're not doing Oz. What were you asking? You've totally confused me."
V: "I've confused YOU?"
W: "Yeah. You're babbling today. Is this what sex does for you? Makes you babble?"
V: "WHAAT? I do not..Arrghh. You've confused me so much, at this point I don't know which end's up!"
W: "You don't? Well, that could be a problem. Poor Sydney. Maybe you two need couples therapy. I don't know if Barnett offers that, but surely she could supply you with a recommendation. Confidentially, I'm sure."
V: "Couple's therapy? Are you NUTS? I don't have any problems."
W: "Well, neither do I. I wasn't the one with the problem opposite of ---"
V: "Stop it! I don't have that problem when.Why are we having this conversation?"
W: "I don't know. You started it."
V: "Did not."
Sydney stopped swiveling her head between the two men long enough to interject in Vaughn's direction, "Actually you did."
V: "For the love of..What were we talking about?"
W: "Your sexual problems."
V: "I.Don't.Have.Sexual.Problems."
W: "Glad to hear it. I draw the line at friendship there, buddy. Although I don't have any sexual problems, so you could always ask me for advice. Glad to give advice. Like giving advice. Just don't want to do demonstrations, if you get my drift."
V: "Ewww."
W: "Hey, I haven't had any complaints."
V: "Complaints? Complaints from whom?"
W: "Isn't that from who? Nah, you're right, it's whom."
V: "No. Who."
Sydney: "WHOM!" She stared at Vaughn in amazement, shaking her head. Couldn't he see...?
W: "Are you sure?" he asked Sydney.
V: "Of course, she's sure. She's a damn doctoral candidate in English! Although where she finds the time to do research, write, and meet with her adviser what with going on global scavenger hunts, I don't know."
W: "Well, that's your girlfriend for you. An excess of energy apparently. And I'm thinking you might want to find a way to use that, if you know what I mean. Hope I don't have to explain further, there are some lines.."
V: "Lines? Since when do you care about crossing lines! Speaking of lines, who was on the telephone?"
W: "Did you ever think that maybe it was my girlfriend?"
V: "Girlfriend! What girlfriend?"
W: "That girlfriend, any girlfriend. You wouldn't know. You pay no attention to MY life."
V: "Sorry! I must be really dense to miss that. So, who's the girlfriend?"
W: "What girlfriend?"
V: "When did you get a girlfriend?"
W: "When?"
V: "That's what I asked!"
W: "Asked what?"
V: "About your girlfriend!"
W: "I don't have a girlfriend. Who said I had a girlfriend?"
V: "You did."
W: "I did?"
V: "You did."
W: "I don't."
V: "Don't what?"
W: "Have a girlfriend. Pay attention to the conversation, for crying out loud."
V: "What is this conversation ABOUT?"
W: "You wanted to know who was on my phone."
V: "I did?"
W: "You did."
V: "So, who?"
W: "Who, what?"
V: "We already went over that. It's whom. You didn't know, remember?"
W: "Sure, I did."
V: "No, you didn't."
W: "Yes. I did. I aced my verbal SATs. Got a perfect 800. How about you? Just testing you, Mikey."
V: "DON'T call me Mikey. I hate that."
W: "Hate what?"
V: "Arggh. The timing is killing me here. How did Abbott and Costello do it?"
W: "Do what?"
V: "Who's on first?"
W: "Oh, let's not go there, that routine takes forever."
V: "So. Who. Was. On. The. Phone?"
W: "Oh, why didn't you just ask?" Weiss stepped back as Vaughn lunged at him. "Calm down, French fry. That was Jack. Just checking in like he always does on Syd's missions. With me."
Vaughn asked, "Really? He never checked up on me, not after the beginning. Why would he do that to you and not me?"
Weiss laughed, "Because he likes YOU, Mikey. I'm betting that when Syd was on missions with Noah, there were plenty of phone calls."
Syd nodded. "Actually, you're right, Weiss. Found that out later."
"Really?" Vaughn asked incredulously.
Sydney shrugged. "Well, yeah, Dad hated Noah. Always did. Never trusted him. And that should have warned me right there. Aside from Irina, my dad has nearly-flawless instincts about people." Sydney began as Weiss walked away to speak with Barclay and Washington.
Vaughn shook his head. "Your father would hate any man that expressed an interest in you."
"That's not true," Sydney argued.
"Oh, YES, it is. He pulled a gun on me once in this Chinese restaurant to tell me to watch it."
Syd started to laugh, then bit her lip to stop it. "Really? I'll have to ask him about that. But he does like you."
Vaughn protested, "Give me a break. No, he does not!"
"How else do you explain the fact that you're still alive?" Syd asked tauntingly.
He stared at her. That was true. He was still alive with all body parts intact. And Jack had called him son. That stilled fried his bacon. "Son?"
Then he remembered waking up in the hospital. Jack had been waiting there. Knowing now that Jack must have known at the time about Alice, he was still astonished that the man hadn't cut off his life support sometime earlier. He still occasionally had nightmares that Jack reached over and shut off the respirator that had kept him alive that first day. Instead, Jack had visited him and waited for him to regain consciousness. Syd had told him yesterday that she thought (because they'd never ask Jack directly, for the love of God) that Jack had waited so that Vaughn would not wake up alone and panic. That was.nice. And if there was one word never associated with Jack Bristow, it was 'nice.' So..
If Jack liked him, what in the name of God did that say about him? And Irina - she kept trying to get him to admit his feelings. Did that mean she thought he and Syd were a good match, too? What did it mean that those two games players thought he was the man for their daughter? How complicated could his life get? What would Thanksgiving dinner be like? Where would they hold the wedding - in the Op Center or could Irina get a day pass? Talk about planning nightmares not covered in Miss Manners! And when they had kids ---would Grandma Bristow babysit their kids while she sat in her cell? Would Grandpa Bristow teach the kids all about ballistics and encryption programming?
When Syd laughed, he realized he had been thinking aloud.
She smiled again and said, "Don't forget, there's Project Christmas to worry about and..."
Vaughn stared at her in horror, thinking that the fates must be laughing at him. He who had always wanted a simple, normal life, had fallen in love with the daughter in the most dysfunctional family in the world. Those two games players..He stared off, thinking. Timing. What was it Jack had said once about timing? Something about precision. This whole situation...
"Vaughn! I'm talking to you!" Weiss exclaimed. Vaughn jumped, he had not even realized that Weiss was standing next to him. What a super spy he was.
"What?"
"Barclay wanted to ask you about that hotel in Hana. He's thinking of taking his wife to Hawaii for their next vacation."
"Oh. Sure, sure," Vaughn said absently as he got up and walked over to the other two agents.
Glancing at his watch, Weiss sat down next to Sydney. "So," he said.
"Don't try that crap on me, Eric," Sydney warned.
"What crap?"
"Don't play innocent with me."
"Me?"
Sydney reached out and pinched the a wad of skin on the back of Weiss' upper arm. "Ouch! That hurt!" Weiss protested.
"Good! Now, what was that about?"
"Getting rid of Vaughn?" Weiss asked. Sydney nodded. Weiss smiled, "You're good, Bristow. Good genes, I guess."
"Whatever. Spill."
"I want you to ask Mike a question."
"Why don't you ask him?"
"It's important - will you just do it?"
"Why?"
"Can you just take my word for it?"
"Not really."
"Your lack of trust wounds me. Okay, listen up. I need to talk fast. Ask Mike, 'Who is Astrid and why does she keep you awake at night?'"
"You want me to ask him about YET another woman? Now? What is this - some perverse form of-"
"No, I'm not trying to hurt you. How can you ask that? And it's not a joke. Just ask."
"Why?"
"It's the last little bit that I know Mike will avoid telling you. It's no biggie. In fact, I think you'll get a big kick out of it." Weiss got up and walked away.
Soon, Vaughn came back over with another soda and sat down with a quizzical look on his face. "Eric said you wanted to ask me something?"
Sydney corrected him, "Weiss wanted me to ask you a question. I don't know-- -"
"What?"
"If I should."
"Given that it's Weiss we're talking about, your apprehension is well founded."
Syd winced as Weiss yelled "Hey, I heard that!"
"Okay, so what's the question?"
"Who's Astrid and why does she keep you awake at night?"
"WHAAT!" He actually jumped up to glare in Weiss' direction.
Sydney gave him a look of surprise and pulled him back down. She shook her head, saying, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I mean, Weiss didn't say why I should ask you that."
"He didn't? He is so dead."
"Well, I think we can agree on that, in general, but.." She waited.
"Alright. Astrid is a name I made up to cover for something I said in my sleep. I fell asleep on Alice's couch and in the night she heard me saying." He paused. God, this was difficult. Humiliation and honesty in one tidy little package. He was going to kill Weiss. Oh what the hell was he saying? Left to his own devices, he would have kept it to himself and the story would have come out at some far worse occasion. Weiss was right again. He took a deep breath and said, "She heard me saying, 'Syd' over and over."
"Oh. Oh!" she said in surprise. "Let me get this straight. Alice heard you saying my name, so you made up the Astrid name to cover for it, right?"
"Right. And I told her I used to go out with an Astrid, called her 'Strid and we broke up because I couldn't handle her risk-taking behavior. That I occasionally dreamed about her more wild escapades, that she was hurting herself by not being careful enough."
"Strid? Strid?"
"It was 5am! I'm not a morning person. I'm not Jack Bristow who can come up with a lie at the drop of a hat to cover any contingency. And.."
"And it was a good way to get her to break up with you, right?"
Vaughn's mouth dropped open. "How did you.---?"
"Do I look stupid? Okay, I understand the need to cover for my name, especially for your girlfriend." Could she have sneered any more when she said that last word? "But that's the stupidest damn story I've ever heard. Honestly. So, clearly she did not buy that bunch of bull, did she?" She began to laugh as the story hit her.
"Hey! She woke me up out of a dream about you and was asking me who Syd was. Talk about a nightmare. What was I supposed to say? Sorry, sweetie, Syd is this amazing, beautiful woman for whom I've had the hots for two years. But we can't be together because we're both international spies and her dad would kill me for looking at her. And there's the little issue of her mother killing my father. But I can forget that, I do forget that and everything else, every time I see her. All I can see is her. And when you and I have had sex, on those rare occasions, I imagine it's her and not you. And you - you were just handy? So, that Astrid story was not the best, but..."
As the words tumbled out, without volition, without any self-preserving censorship, Sydney stared at him, her mouth hanging slightly open. She asked again, "Did she buy the Astrid story?"
"Um, no. She thought.."
"What?"
"She thought I was making it up, that I really was saying your name. Only she thought it was Sid with an i."
"But that would be a guy's name."
"Yeah."
She looked at him for a second and then her whole face contorted with laughter.
"She thought you were gay? You? Gay?"
"Yeah. Do you have to rub it in?"
"Oh yeah. Oh, YEAH, I have to rub it in. This is priceless. Does Weiss know this?"
"Yes. I foolishly told him."
Sydney looked over in Weiss' direction. Meeting her eyes, he mouthed, "Told you."
She continued laughing as she asked, "So, I have to ask a really obnoxious question here. When's the last time ---"
Vaughn covered his face with his hands and mumbled. "Don't ask. So long ago that she had reason to wonder when she heard me moaning about some "Sid"..."
"So you couldn't or wouldn't."
"No, I..
"Ah, that's why you said you had lots of.frosting saved up," Syd said dryly. Vaughn looked up. They both broke into laughter.
Sydney critiqued, "What a story. You need to work on.."
"I know, my creative problem solving in the field. Is that all you have to say?"
"No. Not in the slightest! This is so good. Priceless. Forget the stupid and clueless joke. This will be the joke I tell our grandkids. And you gay? Michael Vaughn gay? The man who gives off more sexual vibes with a look than most men do with.. That is hysterical. I'm never gonna forget this as long as I live." She broke into laughter again. Endless laughter, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"So, you think I give off sexual vibes?" Vaughn asked, leaning in towards her.
"Mmmm," Sydney said as their lips met. "Mmm, when you're not being pathetic."
"Ah, you're right. The whole story was pathetic. What can I say? Your mother was right. Your father was right."
"Wait a minute. How did you talk to them, anyway?"
"They called me and ---"
"They called you?"
"Yeah. You didn't know? You didn't put them up to it?"
"No. Of course not. How did they have your secure line cell-phone number anyway?"
They stared at each other. Their eyes clicked as the same thought occurred and they said simultaneously, "Weiss!"
"You rang?" Weiss called from across the plane. Sydney motioned him over. With a smile, he sat down next to her.
Syd said softly, "Weiss, did you call my parents back and put them up to calling Vaughn?"
"No. Of course not."
"Really?"
"No. I only called and gave them Vaughn's number." They both hissed. "You two sound like cats. But you know me - just a regular matchmaker. Just helping the course of true love and all. Besides, your mom said they were about to call me and ask for his number. Your dad always has my number on your ops, you know. Checks in about every half hour to make sure....." Weiss continued babbling on, "I really wish Jack would have some confidence in me, not withstanding that little incident in Europe and okay, that time in South Africa, but really, if Syd didn't feel the need to act like a lone ranger, if she had a partner.."
Sydney and Vaughn glanced at each other and began laughing. The moment was broken by Weiss saying with a look at his watch. "Would you look at that? Almost in LA. How time flies when you're having fun."
Sydney leaned over and whispered to Weiss, "Good job wasting time on the flight. Can't wait to see what's next."
Weiss looked at her innocently, "I have absolutely no clue as to what you are referring. None."
Vaughn looked at the two of them suspiciously, "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing," they said in unison.
"You know, I'm not THAT stupid and clueless. I do know you never answered my question."
"Question, what question?" Weiss asked.
Vaughn groaned, "Don't start. You're giving me a headache. You'd think we were playing Risk or something."
"Nope, no board games on board." Weiss said.
Sydney and Vaughn groaned. Vaughn said firmly, "So, why did you set me up on this mission if you thought I would still be going out with Alice? That would be scummy. And..wait another minute, Jack and Irina would never have been so sanguine about me and Syd, Jack would have never wished me luck if Alice had still been in the picture.What the hell is going on?" Weiss looked back at him, all innocence. Something clicked and Vaughn asked, "What did you do to Alice?"
"Alice? She's fine, now that she's free of a fake boyfriend." Syd asked, "I'm worried about Astrid. I mean, whatever happened to her, anyway? Fall off a cliff? Die of frostbite because she didn't wear a full face mask in Siberia? Get run over by a rampaging Ford Focus in Zurich? What?" Syd elbowed Weiss.
"Her boyfriend tossed her out the plane without a parachute!" Vaughn exclaimed.
Sydney gave a moan of false distress, "Oh, that's too bad. Just when he was getting really good at frosting that pie. With that attitude his knife might have to stay locked in the utensils drawer for a while."
"I don't want to know," Weiss moaned, "Really, I don't. That's an analogy I don't want to touch with a ten foot pole."
"Really? Try the one about her father being obsessed with little boxes," Vaughn said, now grinning..
The sun streaming into the room gradually woke them up. Vaughn turned toward the clock and grimaced. They did have to get up. They needed to catch that helicopter. Flipping back toward Sydney, he smiled when he saw she was awake. Giving him a soft smile, she reached up and putting her hands around his neck asked, "Is it time to get up?" "Almost" he whispered back. "Let's just lie here a while," she suggested. "Sure," he agreed as he buried his face in her neck. Running his hands up and down her back, he savored the moment as she caressed his shoulders. He could practically hear her brain humming away and finally leaned back with a smile, smoothing her hair away from her face.
"What, what are you thinking?" Vaughn asked her.
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"Yesterday was the best day of my life."
"Guess what? It was mine too."
They ran from the helicopter over to the transport plane with just moments to spare. Weiss waved them in and helped Vaughn with the gear. Once it was stowed, Sydney turned to Weiss.
"Weiss," Syd said with a huge smile. "Thank you for yesterday. Do you know what we did?"
"There's so much I could say to that, but I'll pass. I'm all out of analogies."
Vaughn went, "Humph. Like that's likely. But I have a question, about timing."
"Don't tell me you're still having that...problem, Mike."
"No, I'm not having..That's not what I meant!"
"While you're collecting your thoughts," Weiss rolled his eyes, "Let me answer Syd's question, first. So, let me see. Everything worked out. Vaughn finally confessed the reason for his stupidity. You ate a nice dinner, had some champagne, a decadent dessert," Sydney choked and Vaughn began laughing. Weiss gave them a curious glance, before continuing, "Walked on the beach, visited the general store, bought the obligatory t- shirt, and then blah, blah, blah, nothing else I need to know about." Weiss said with a huge grin. "Looks like everything is going well."
"Yes," Vaughn said with a smile in Sydney's direction, "But I'm curious about something. How did you know about dessert in that restaurant, the general store, and the walk on the beach?"
"Huh?"
Sydney laughed, "You've been spending too much time with Vaughn. You're usually more articulate than that, Weiss!"
"Oh, stop it, Syd. Don't you think it's curious that Weiss knows about all that?" Vaughn asked her.
Sydney shrugged. "Stop being so paranoid. What else would we do in that dinky little town but eat in the only nice restaurant and then walk on the beach?"
"Hmm. It's still odd. But to get back to my original question. Weiss, both you and Jack and apparently every woman who watches the show thinks it was scummy of me to be asking Syd out while going out with Alice. Right?"
"Well, that's what the internet chats say, anyway."
"But the timing of this mission---"
"We'll get to that later. My phone is vibrating. And while that's as close as I come to a thrill these days, I still would like to answer it."
"Oh, no, you don't! Enjoy the buzz for a moment. Syd tells me that you had already set me up as the male agent on this mission a week ago. Which is NOT what you told me."
"What's a small white lie between friends? I mean, if you can't lie to your friends to whom can you lie?"
"That's, that's..IDIOTIC! And a week ago I was still going out with Alice. So why would you---"
"Oops, gotta go. This vibrating is getting a little too..exciting for me in my recently-celibate state. Well, seemingly-endless celibate state. Why don't you go check out the new sodas in the refrigerator?"
"Why don't I WHAT?"
"We have a whole new bunch of sodas on board for the return flight. You should be interested. I mean, knowing how much you love soda."
"What in the name of God are you talking about?"
"You're always offering sodas to people. Like Manolo, other people you interrogate. You always say, 'Would you like a soda?' That's bizarre, frankly. Unique interview style. What's up with that, anyway? Don't think you got that from Jack. He's more the 'tell me what I want to know or I'll break your face' kinda guy."
"Weiss.."
"Wait a minute, before I answer the phone, I've got a question, been bugging me. So, am I right in that the Noah question you asked two days ago was key or what? Was it that you went out with Alice for the same reason that Syd went out with Noah - pretending that life was easier than it really is, thinking you could ignore the consequences of your own choices?"
Vaughn stared at him in shock. "How did you----"
"Oh, Jack told me---"
"Let me guess, pay attention to what people blurt out?" Vaughn asked, shaking his head.
Sydney laughed, "That must be standard training procedure for him. He told me that too. That's how I knew, when Vaughn blurted that out, that it was the key." Weiss nodded. Sydney continued, "Weiss, we need to thank you."
"Don't worry about it. My, um, pleasure, I guess. Well, maybe pleasure is too strong of a word, but." He trailed off as he glanced at this cell phone, still vibrating. Noting the number, he blanched. "Sorry, guys, I really have to take this call," he muttered and walked away.
Vaughn sighed, "We really do need to thank him, even though he drives me nuts. You know, I've been thinking. Your father, and I hate to tell you this, did call me twice to...I guess the correct word is encourage me. Or maybe scare me. I don't know. But, don't tell me we have to thank your father too. Weiss is going to be bad enough as it is."
"And then there's my mother, who also kept encouraging me.." Syd trailed off, thinking.
Vaughn met her eyes, "So, do you think it's a coincidence that all three of them were pushing us at the same time?"
"I'd worry, except for the fact that no way in hell would my father EVER work with my mother on anything involving my personal life."
"Yeah. You're right. It was probably all Weiss, and everything else was just coincidence. I mean it was over a year ago that your father gave me that lecture and probably much longer ago that he gave you the same lecture, right?"
"Years ago, actually."
"Well, this Noah thing - what he meant to you. I still can't believe that Weiss figured it out. You figured it out. Wish I'd done it myself in terms of Alice, before."
"Well, in my case, I wanted to figure it out because on the one hand it was too soon after Danny. And on the other hand, if I were going to move on with someone else, it made no sense to be with Noah, because even though it was early days, you and I, well, we were already, kind of."
"I know. I was jealous," Vaughn said with a slow smile in her direction.
"Were you?" She smiled. "You shouldn't have been. I almost said your name.." She stopped and looked away. He looked away and smiled too. He was going to have to tell her about Astrid---
That totally ridiculous story. Truthfully, although he was not in the Jack Bristow lying league, even he could have come up with a better one. He'd wanted it to be over and that incident was just a convenient excuse, a way to force her to cut them loose. He truly was scum. Cowardly scum. Just like the other day, when he'd avoided talking about it when he'd had all day driving around in that car on that stupid mission, that scavenger hunt. Blurting out that question about Noah, when as Syd had done with Noah, he should have thought about it a little harder and figured it out. But then again, if a whole team of writers hadn't come up with a reasonable expectation, who was he to do so?
"So you tried to compartmentalize. And that worked really well, didn't it?" Syd asked, softening the question with a smile.
"You sound like your father. Great. But you're right. And you cannot compartmentalize the heart. Doesn't work."
"Nope. Let's grab a soda and sit down."
"Oh, wow. There are tons of new brands in here," Vaughn said while Sydney rolled her eyes.
"Mike's getting suspicious. He's starting to put two and two together. No. I did NOT blow it, thank you very much. It's the timing thing. Yeah, he's better than we thought. Syd? She's not saying anything, can't tell if she has a clue or doesn't care or is afraid to ask. Distract him? Sure, I can do that. I saved something or two just in case. I may not be Mr. Games Theorist like someone I know, but I can babble with the best of them. Later. This should be good. All those hours spent watching old tv finally pays off."
As Weiss strolled back over to the group, Vaughn looked up and asked him sharply, "Who was that?"
W: "Why do you want to know?"
V: "Why are you reluctant to tell me who that was?"
W: "Who was where?"
V: "There, on the phone."
W: "When?"
V: "Just NOW. When you couldn't wait to answer.'
W: "Oh, that. Well, did you ever think it was personal?"
V: "Oh, sorry. But, no, wait a minute. You were on a secure line. And besides, what's personal with you?"
W: "Don't you mean, 'Who's personal with me?'"
V: "Who, what? No, WHEN did you get a personal life?"
W: "Hey, I have my fish and.."
V: "And what?"
W: "Don't be so suspicious. What is it with you?"
V: 'Me?"
W: "Yeah, you."
V: "This isn't about ME! It's about you!"
W: "Me?"
V: "Yeah, YOU!"
W: "Oh, me? Or would that be 'oh, my'? No, wrong movie. We're not doing Oz. What were you asking? You've totally confused me."
V: "I've confused YOU?"
W: "Yeah. You're babbling today. Is this what sex does for you? Makes you babble?"
V: "WHAAT? I do not..Arrghh. You've confused me so much, at this point I don't know which end's up!"
W: "You don't? Well, that could be a problem. Poor Sydney. Maybe you two need couples therapy. I don't know if Barnett offers that, but surely she could supply you with a recommendation. Confidentially, I'm sure."
V: "Couple's therapy? Are you NUTS? I don't have any problems."
W: "Well, neither do I. I wasn't the one with the problem opposite of ---"
V: "Stop it! I don't have that problem when.Why are we having this conversation?"
W: "I don't know. You started it."
V: "Did not."
Sydney stopped swiveling her head between the two men long enough to interject in Vaughn's direction, "Actually you did."
V: "For the love of..What were we talking about?"
W: "Your sexual problems."
V: "I.Don't.Have.Sexual.Problems."
W: "Glad to hear it. I draw the line at friendship there, buddy. Although I don't have any sexual problems, so you could always ask me for advice. Glad to give advice. Like giving advice. Just don't want to do demonstrations, if you get my drift."
V: "Ewww."
W: "Hey, I haven't had any complaints."
V: "Complaints? Complaints from whom?"
W: "Isn't that from who? Nah, you're right, it's whom."
V: "No. Who."
Sydney: "WHOM!" She stared at Vaughn in amazement, shaking her head. Couldn't he see...?
W: "Are you sure?" he asked Sydney.
V: "Of course, she's sure. She's a damn doctoral candidate in English! Although where she finds the time to do research, write, and meet with her adviser what with going on global scavenger hunts, I don't know."
W: "Well, that's your girlfriend for you. An excess of energy apparently. And I'm thinking you might want to find a way to use that, if you know what I mean. Hope I don't have to explain further, there are some lines.."
V: "Lines? Since when do you care about crossing lines! Speaking of lines, who was on the telephone?"
W: "Did you ever think that maybe it was my girlfriend?"
V: "Girlfriend! What girlfriend?"
W: "That girlfriend, any girlfriend. You wouldn't know. You pay no attention to MY life."
V: "Sorry! I must be really dense to miss that. So, who's the girlfriend?"
W: "What girlfriend?"
V: "When did you get a girlfriend?"
W: "When?"
V: "That's what I asked!"
W: "Asked what?"
V: "About your girlfriend!"
W: "I don't have a girlfriend. Who said I had a girlfriend?"
V: "You did."
W: "I did?"
V: "You did."
W: "I don't."
V: "Don't what?"
W: "Have a girlfriend. Pay attention to the conversation, for crying out loud."
V: "What is this conversation ABOUT?"
W: "You wanted to know who was on my phone."
V: "I did?"
W: "You did."
V: "So, who?"
W: "Who, what?"
V: "We already went over that. It's whom. You didn't know, remember?"
W: "Sure, I did."
V: "No, you didn't."
W: "Yes. I did. I aced my verbal SATs. Got a perfect 800. How about you? Just testing you, Mikey."
V: "DON'T call me Mikey. I hate that."
W: "Hate what?"
V: "Arggh. The timing is killing me here. How did Abbott and Costello do it?"
W: "Do what?"
V: "Who's on first?"
W: "Oh, let's not go there, that routine takes forever."
V: "So. Who. Was. On. The. Phone?"
W: "Oh, why didn't you just ask?" Weiss stepped back as Vaughn lunged at him. "Calm down, French fry. That was Jack. Just checking in like he always does on Syd's missions. With me."
Vaughn asked, "Really? He never checked up on me, not after the beginning. Why would he do that to you and not me?"
Weiss laughed, "Because he likes YOU, Mikey. I'm betting that when Syd was on missions with Noah, there were plenty of phone calls."
Syd nodded. "Actually, you're right, Weiss. Found that out later."
"Really?" Vaughn asked incredulously.
Sydney shrugged. "Well, yeah, Dad hated Noah. Always did. Never trusted him. And that should have warned me right there. Aside from Irina, my dad has nearly-flawless instincts about people." Sydney began as Weiss walked away to speak with Barclay and Washington.
Vaughn shook his head. "Your father would hate any man that expressed an interest in you."
"That's not true," Sydney argued.
"Oh, YES, it is. He pulled a gun on me once in this Chinese restaurant to tell me to watch it."
Syd started to laugh, then bit her lip to stop it. "Really? I'll have to ask him about that. But he does like you."
Vaughn protested, "Give me a break. No, he does not!"
"How else do you explain the fact that you're still alive?" Syd asked tauntingly.
He stared at her. That was true. He was still alive with all body parts intact. And Jack had called him son. That stilled fried his bacon. "Son?"
Then he remembered waking up in the hospital. Jack had been waiting there. Knowing now that Jack must have known at the time about Alice, he was still astonished that the man hadn't cut off his life support sometime earlier. He still occasionally had nightmares that Jack reached over and shut off the respirator that had kept him alive that first day. Instead, Jack had visited him and waited for him to regain consciousness. Syd had told him yesterday that she thought (because they'd never ask Jack directly, for the love of God) that Jack had waited so that Vaughn would not wake up alone and panic. That was.nice. And if there was one word never associated with Jack Bristow, it was 'nice.' So..
If Jack liked him, what in the name of God did that say about him? And Irina - she kept trying to get him to admit his feelings. Did that mean she thought he and Syd were a good match, too? What did it mean that those two games players thought he was the man for their daughter? How complicated could his life get? What would Thanksgiving dinner be like? Where would they hold the wedding - in the Op Center or could Irina get a day pass? Talk about planning nightmares not covered in Miss Manners! And when they had kids ---would Grandma Bristow babysit their kids while she sat in her cell? Would Grandpa Bristow teach the kids all about ballistics and encryption programming?
When Syd laughed, he realized he had been thinking aloud.
She smiled again and said, "Don't forget, there's Project Christmas to worry about and..."
Vaughn stared at her in horror, thinking that the fates must be laughing at him. He who had always wanted a simple, normal life, had fallen in love with the daughter in the most dysfunctional family in the world. Those two games players..He stared off, thinking. Timing. What was it Jack had said once about timing? Something about precision. This whole situation...
"Vaughn! I'm talking to you!" Weiss exclaimed. Vaughn jumped, he had not even realized that Weiss was standing next to him. What a super spy he was.
"What?"
"Barclay wanted to ask you about that hotel in Hana. He's thinking of taking his wife to Hawaii for their next vacation."
"Oh. Sure, sure," Vaughn said absently as he got up and walked over to the other two agents.
Glancing at his watch, Weiss sat down next to Sydney. "So," he said.
"Don't try that crap on me, Eric," Sydney warned.
"What crap?"
"Don't play innocent with me."
"Me?"
Sydney reached out and pinched the a wad of skin on the back of Weiss' upper arm. "Ouch! That hurt!" Weiss protested.
"Good! Now, what was that about?"
"Getting rid of Vaughn?" Weiss asked. Sydney nodded. Weiss smiled, "You're good, Bristow. Good genes, I guess."
"Whatever. Spill."
"I want you to ask Mike a question."
"Why don't you ask him?"
"It's important - will you just do it?"
"Why?"
"Can you just take my word for it?"
"Not really."
"Your lack of trust wounds me. Okay, listen up. I need to talk fast. Ask Mike, 'Who is Astrid and why does she keep you awake at night?'"
"You want me to ask him about YET another woman? Now? What is this - some perverse form of-"
"No, I'm not trying to hurt you. How can you ask that? And it's not a joke. Just ask."
"Why?"
"It's the last little bit that I know Mike will avoid telling you. It's no biggie. In fact, I think you'll get a big kick out of it." Weiss got up and walked away.
Soon, Vaughn came back over with another soda and sat down with a quizzical look on his face. "Eric said you wanted to ask me something?"
Sydney corrected him, "Weiss wanted me to ask you a question. I don't know-- -"
"What?"
"If I should."
"Given that it's Weiss we're talking about, your apprehension is well founded."
Syd winced as Weiss yelled "Hey, I heard that!"
"Okay, so what's the question?"
"Who's Astrid and why does she keep you awake at night?"
"WHAAT!" He actually jumped up to glare in Weiss' direction.
Sydney gave him a look of surprise and pulled him back down. She shook her head, saying, "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I mean, Weiss didn't say why I should ask you that."
"He didn't? He is so dead."
"Well, I think we can agree on that, in general, but.." She waited.
"Alright. Astrid is a name I made up to cover for something I said in my sleep. I fell asleep on Alice's couch and in the night she heard me saying." He paused. God, this was difficult. Humiliation and honesty in one tidy little package. He was going to kill Weiss. Oh what the hell was he saying? Left to his own devices, he would have kept it to himself and the story would have come out at some far worse occasion. Weiss was right again. He took a deep breath and said, "She heard me saying, 'Syd' over and over."
"Oh. Oh!" she said in surprise. "Let me get this straight. Alice heard you saying my name, so you made up the Astrid name to cover for it, right?"
"Right. And I told her I used to go out with an Astrid, called her 'Strid and we broke up because I couldn't handle her risk-taking behavior. That I occasionally dreamed about her more wild escapades, that she was hurting herself by not being careful enough."
"Strid? Strid?"
"It was 5am! I'm not a morning person. I'm not Jack Bristow who can come up with a lie at the drop of a hat to cover any contingency. And.."
"And it was a good way to get her to break up with you, right?"
Vaughn's mouth dropped open. "How did you.---?"
"Do I look stupid? Okay, I understand the need to cover for my name, especially for your girlfriend." Could she have sneered any more when she said that last word? "But that's the stupidest damn story I've ever heard. Honestly. So, clearly she did not buy that bunch of bull, did she?" She began to laugh as the story hit her.
"Hey! She woke me up out of a dream about you and was asking me who Syd was. Talk about a nightmare. What was I supposed to say? Sorry, sweetie, Syd is this amazing, beautiful woman for whom I've had the hots for two years. But we can't be together because we're both international spies and her dad would kill me for looking at her. And there's the little issue of her mother killing my father. But I can forget that, I do forget that and everything else, every time I see her. All I can see is her. And when you and I have had sex, on those rare occasions, I imagine it's her and not you. And you - you were just handy? So, that Astrid story was not the best, but..."
As the words tumbled out, without volition, without any self-preserving censorship, Sydney stared at him, her mouth hanging slightly open. She asked again, "Did she buy the Astrid story?"
"Um, no. She thought.."
"What?"
"She thought I was making it up, that I really was saying your name. Only she thought it was Sid with an i."
"But that would be a guy's name."
"Yeah."
She looked at him for a second and then her whole face contorted with laughter.
"She thought you were gay? You? Gay?"
"Yeah. Do you have to rub it in?"
"Oh yeah. Oh, YEAH, I have to rub it in. This is priceless. Does Weiss know this?"
"Yes. I foolishly told him."
Sydney looked over in Weiss' direction. Meeting her eyes, he mouthed, "Told you."
She continued laughing as she asked, "So, I have to ask a really obnoxious question here. When's the last time ---"
Vaughn covered his face with his hands and mumbled. "Don't ask. So long ago that she had reason to wonder when she heard me moaning about some "Sid"..."
"So you couldn't or wouldn't."
"No, I..
"Ah, that's why you said you had lots of.frosting saved up," Syd said dryly. Vaughn looked up. They both broke into laughter.
Sydney critiqued, "What a story. You need to work on.."
"I know, my creative problem solving in the field. Is that all you have to say?"
"No. Not in the slightest! This is so good. Priceless. Forget the stupid and clueless joke. This will be the joke I tell our grandkids. And you gay? Michael Vaughn gay? The man who gives off more sexual vibes with a look than most men do with.. That is hysterical. I'm never gonna forget this as long as I live." She broke into laughter again. Endless laughter, with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"So, you think I give off sexual vibes?" Vaughn asked, leaning in towards her.
"Mmmm," Sydney said as their lips met. "Mmm, when you're not being pathetic."
"Ah, you're right. The whole story was pathetic. What can I say? Your mother was right. Your father was right."
"Wait a minute. How did you talk to them, anyway?"
"They called me and ---"
"They called you?"
"Yeah. You didn't know? You didn't put them up to it?"
"No. Of course not. How did they have your secure line cell-phone number anyway?"
They stared at each other. Their eyes clicked as the same thought occurred and they said simultaneously, "Weiss!"
"You rang?" Weiss called from across the plane. Sydney motioned him over. With a smile, he sat down next to her.
Syd said softly, "Weiss, did you call my parents back and put them up to calling Vaughn?"
"No. Of course not."
"Really?"
"No. I only called and gave them Vaughn's number." They both hissed. "You two sound like cats. But you know me - just a regular matchmaker. Just helping the course of true love and all. Besides, your mom said they were about to call me and ask for his number. Your dad always has my number on your ops, you know. Checks in about every half hour to make sure....." Weiss continued babbling on, "I really wish Jack would have some confidence in me, not withstanding that little incident in Europe and okay, that time in South Africa, but really, if Syd didn't feel the need to act like a lone ranger, if she had a partner.."
Sydney and Vaughn glanced at each other and began laughing. The moment was broken by Weiss saying with a look at his watch. "Would you look at that? Almost in LA. How time flies when you're having fun."
Sydney leaned over and whispered to Weiss, "Good job wasting time on the flight. Can't wait to see what's next."
Weiss looked at her innocently, "I have absolutely no clue as to what you are referring. None."
Vaughn looked at the two of them suspiciously, "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing," they said in unison.
"You know, I'm not THAT stupid and clueless. I do know you never answered my question."
"Question, what question?" Weiss asked.
Vaughn groaned, "Don't start. You're giving me a headache. You'd think we were playing Risk or something."
"Nope, no board games on board." Weiss said.
Sydney and Vaughn groaned. Vaughn said firmly, "So, why did you set me up on this mission if you thought I would still be going out with Alice? That would be scummy. And..wait another minute, Jack and Irina would never have been so sanguine about me and Syd, Jack would have never wished me luck if Alice had still been in the picture.What the hell is going on?" Weiss looked back at him, all innocence. Something clicked and Vaughn asked, "What did you do to Alice?"
"Alice? She's fine, now that she's free of a fake boyfriend." Syd asked, "I'm worried about Astrid. I mean, whatever happened to her, anyway? Fall off a cliff? Die of frostbite because she didn't wear a full face mask in Siberia? Get run over by a rampaging Ford Focus in Zurich? What?" Syd elbowed Weiss.
"Her boyfriend tossed her out the plane without a parachute!" Vaughn exclaimed.
Sydney gave a moan of false distress, "Oh, that's too bad. Just when he was getting really good at frosting that pie. With that attitude his knife might have to stay locked in the utensils drawer for a while."
"I don't want to know," Weiss moaned, "Really, I don't. That's an analogy I don't want to touch with a ten foot pole."
"Really? Try the one about her father being obsessed with little boxes," Vaughn said, now grinning..