Chapter 25: in which a reference to the title of Chapter 1 would be helpful. Or a careful rereading of Chapter 24, or even chapter 20. Or, what the hell, just go for broke and read the ending. In which you'll find out which truths I've told and which lies. Although lies is a pretty strong word, maybe "misdirections" would be more accurate.

In which we found out what kind of love this story is truly about. (Now, don't get scared, I don't mean THAT kind.)

In which I throw in another Music Man reference or two. Why? Because I can.

In witch, Weiss says, "Dorothy, Dorothy! There's a twista coming, a twista, I tell ya!"

As Weiss, Sydney and Vaughn walked through the Op Center, Vaughn said, "I realize you didn't answer my question about the timing, and what you did to Alice, Weiss. Really, I'm not THAT stupid."

"We didn't do anything TO Alice-"

"WE?"

"I didn't say 'we', I said 'me'."

"Really? You said, 'me didn't do anything to Alice'?" Vaughn said in disbelief.

"Yup. I'm practicing pidgin English for my next assignment in, in, in Calcutta. Or maybe..Bangkok. That's it exactly. And did you ever stop to think about what a funny word Bangkok is? I mean---" Weiss said energetically.

"I swear I'm going to punch you all the way there if you don't tell me," Vaughn threatened.

"Did I tell you about what happened at the luau next door to us the night you two were in Hana?" Weiss asked.

"No, Weiss, tell us," Syd said with a sidelong glance at Vaughn, whose forehead was wrinkling more every minute.

"They were forklifting the pig into the pit and someone went up to the operator and jostled him. The guy hit the lever wrong and all of a sudden, the pig went flying through the air!"

"The pig flew?" Vaughn asked.

"Yeah, Jack's called you 'son'. I believe that, at times, I've acted like a mature adult. And a pig flew. So I think this story is just about over."

"Really? And what's next? Why isn't it over already?" Vaughn asked suspiciously.

Weiss spoke quickly, "Whaddya know? Here we are at the tunnel to Irina's cell."

"What are we doing here? Syd?" Vaughn gritted out. "We could be on our way home by now, you know."

"Don't look at me! I'm just along for the ride. And if you haven't figured it out, yet, a few more minutes won't kill you," Sydney protested.

"Yeah. Sydney is innocent. Well, except for planning her first day of revenge." He paused as they stopped to allow the guard to open the gates. Sydney bounced up and down on her toes.

"Syd, why are you so wired?" Vaughn asked as they walked down the hall to Irina's cell.

"Well, aren't you excited?" she asked with a grin, pulling him along.

"I'm not excited, no, about going to see your parents. I mean, I assume your father's going to be there."

"You bet," Weiss added with a grin of his own. "Don't know why he doesn't just move a cot in there or to cut to the chase, a king-size bed."

"Weiss! Those are my parents."

"Oops. Forget again----"

"I know, that I'm not one of the guys," Syd shook her head. "But seriously, Vaughn, why aren't you more excited?"

"Are you nuts? Why would I be excited about making this stop when we could be on our way to your, um, bakery?"

Sydney giggled and Vaughn put his arm around her and pulled her close as he said, "Now-- a bakery stop. THAT I could get excited about."

Weiss rolled his eyes and said dryly, "Actually, wouldn't it be, 'About a bakery stop I could get excited'?"

Sydney resumed giggling, "No. It's 'I could get excited about a bakery stop'."

"STOP IT! You two are totally taking the fun out of sexual innuendo with all this gabbing about grammar, syntax and sentence structure.." Vaughn groaned.

"Vaughn, did you just alliterate?" Syd asked.

"No. Don't tell me I did that. We've abandoned analogies for alliteration? Don't tell me it's rubbing off," Vaughn groaned again.

"I'm assuming your rubbing days are---" Weiss stopped with a squawk as Vaughn punched him in the arm. Sydney laughed.

"How long is this hallway?" Vaughn asked with a glance upward for divine intervention.

"Why, does it make you feel inadequate or something?" Weiss asked.

"That's ENOUGH!" Vaughn exclaimed, but then began laughing himself. "You know, I'm almost gonna be glad to see Jack and Irina. At least I can count on them to act like normal people."

Weiss and Sydney stared at him in puzzlement. "Okay, okay," Vaughn conceded. "Normal for THEM. Which means no alliteration, no laughing, no inappropriate innuendo, and probably no smiling. Just a basic conversation."

Weiss turned to Sydney and asked, "What alternate universe is he living in? Oh, wait, I meant to say, Ms. English Teacher," when Sydney opened her mouth to interrupt him, "In what alternate universe is he living? I mean, isn't there always a subtext to any conversation with Jack and Irina? And what is a basic conversation with the Bristows?"

"Don't know myself, Weiss, never had one. At least not since I was six," Sydney agreed. "I guess today a basic conversation with my parents involves a threat or two, a poorly-disguised attempt by my mother to use memories to worm her way into my father's heart, several sneers, no apology yet, some well-hidden looks of regret, and arguing, if we're lucky, in English. If we're truly unlucky, they'll argue in Chinese. That gives me a headache. But if they're REALLY mad, they'll use Russian."

"They argue in other languages?" Vaughn asked in disbelief, shaking his head.

"Sure. It's how they keep their fluency up. It's a little game for them."

"Don't get me started on your parents' games," Vaughn said, "They are just so---"

"But, don't you see? That's why I'm excited! It's one of their games."

"Huh?"

"Here we go again with Mr. Articularity," Weiss said.

"Wouldn't that be for an action figure? Articularity?" Sydney asked.

"Maybe. But I thought that was articulation. Hey, I wonder if Vaughn were an action figure, would his forehead wrinkles would come with articulation? You know, press a button and he gets one wrinkle."

"He never gets just ONE wrinkle," Syd said firmly, "I mean like right now. He's got at least---"

"STOP IT! Why are you two ganging up on me?"

"Because it's fun?" Weiss and Sydney said in unison, laughing.

"Fun. For. Whom?" Vaughn asked.

"Wow. I'm impressed, aren't you, Syd? He used 'whom' correctly this time."

"Oh, he impresses me all the time," Syd said slyly with a sideways glance.

"That's sweet, Syd. Look he just turned red," Weiss laughed.

"You know, Weiss one of these days you're going to get what's coming to you. I swear. And this hallway?" Vaughn moaned, "I never remember it taking this long before."

"That's because the writers have never fully explored the "Get Smart" possibilities of this corridor. C'mon Agents 86 and 99, let's go meet the chief."

As the three came into the cell, they saw Jack and Irina together, looking, well, for them, cozy. Weiss quipped, "Ah, there's no place like home, no place like home, no place like the cell we call home."

Irina was sitting at her table, laughing. Jack was bent over her, looking like he was interrogating her about something. Vaughn shook his head; apparently Jack was right-Irina did seem to be enjoying this. Sick. Twisted. But then again, as a little game between a man and a woman, hmmm..He gave a speculative glance at Sydney.

Glancing up, Irina saw the trio first. She jumped up, poked Jack and said, "Here they are! Finally! I'm dying to hear and I know you are too.."

"What do you know?" Jack asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. Nothing."

"Stop it, I know you know something more than you've let on. I can tell. I have ways of making you talk, you know."

"I'll look forward to that later, Jack," Irina said with mock sweetness. "But, as for this little.operation, I have my conjectures, but as for what I know to be fact..." Irina trailed off and then resumed speaking, "Oh, go greet your daughter."

Jack's face brightened as he looked fully at Sydney. "Honey," he began. When he did not continue, Irina elbowed him. He cleared his throat while Sydney and Vaughn stared at him curiously. Weiss and Irina rolled their eyes. Finally, Jack said gruffly, "Weiss, where are my little boxes, anyway?"

Vaughn choked and then began coughing, while the older couple stared at him curiously.

Weiss cleared his throat and said, "Barclay is on his way down here with them, right now."

"WHAAT?" Vaughn exclaimed.

"Oh, catch up, Vaughn," Sydney mumbled. In a louder voice, she said, "It's my guess that my father is referring to those small storage containers we killed ourselves pulling out of the ocean the other night."

"He is?"

"Of course. What else could the phrase 'little boxes' refer to, anyway? I didn't understand it when you guys were talking about it before..." She stopped, thought, said, "Eww."

"Wait a minute!" Vaughn said fiercely as Barclay walked in carrying the three containers.

"Barclay," Jack said as the agent brought in three boxes and sat them down on the table. Jack frowned looking at them.

"Bristow," Barclay said. "Are Washington and I even with you now? No more favors owed?"

"For the moment. Oh, and thanks. Tell Washington thanks as well," Jack added absently.

On his way out, Barclay muttered, "'Thanks'? Oh my god, the world is coming to an end. Bristow actually said thanks. I need to get home. Fast. Kiss the wife. Pat the dog. Lock the doors. Drink.something strong. Wait for the apocalypse."

Jack rolled his eyes and then pinned Weiss with a stare. "Want to explain why there are THREE boxes, instead of two?"

"Forget that! Want to explain why we are looking at those boxes, in this cell, at all?" Vaughn asked.

"Actually, Jack, one of those boxes is from me," Irina said softly.

"From you!" both Jack and Vaughn exclaimed.

"Well, I was the one who started this whole operation, wasn't I?"

"NO. It was me," Jack protested.

"Actually, you're right," Irina conceded. Jack looked startled. Irina continued quietly, "You started this the day she was born. Wanting her to be happy. Putting her happiness first, even if you were sometimes misguided in your attempts, even if you were sometimes lost, working without a map, you still wanted the best for her."

Into the silence, Weiss interjected, "Great analogy, Irina. And map? That explains..."

"Shut up, Weiss, we'll get to that," Irina snarled.

"You know about that?" Jack demanded, "Weiss?"

"Get to WHAT, know about WHAT?" Vaughn asked.

"This little operation, which has my father's fingerprints all over it, but I can tell my mom also had a little something to do with it, as well," Syd said with a smile.

Vaughn stared at her incredulously, "I thought, Syd, that we decided that it was just Weiss and that everything else was a coincidence."

"Well, WE didn't really decide that."

"We didn't?"

"No. I said my father would not work with my mother and it looks like that's true. YOU said that it was probably all Weiss, and everything else was just coincidence. I didn't agree or disagree. Although really, you need to learn more about game theory. There are just not that many coincidences in life."

"Arggh! We need to have a conversation about these technicalities."

"You need to learn how to ask questions more carefully. Then it would be more fun, wouldn't it? More like a game?" Syd asked, laughing.

When no one said anything for a moment, they heard Weiss' stomach growl in the silence. While Weiss turned and asked Irina about what was for dinner in the cell block, Vaughn just stared at Sydney. She wanted him to question her, as if he was interrogating her? Like, oh, he didn't know, her parents? Ohmigod. Watching him, she cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. When he said nothing, she leaned in and whispered, "You know, the game where I am the bad guy and you're the good agent who is interrogating me? And you'll do anything to get that intel out of me? And I'll do anything to distract you from your mission? Or we could switch it around, whichever way you like."

Staring at her, he thought, Geez. So had she ever walked in on your parents when she was little or what? What else was imprinted on that brain of hers? Oh brother, who knew what the future held?

Sydney whispered again, "But it does sound like fun, doesn't it? We can have our own little conversation room. You know, right next to the bakery?" she asked. Vaughn rolled his eyes and felt his cheeks turn red. Well, maybe the future held..some interesting surprises.

Next to him, Jack said loudly, "Ahem! Moving along... "

Sydney laughed and asked Vaughn, "Besides, did you really think that was a viable mission?"

Vaughn shook his head, "You're right. I can't believe I let myself get so distracted by you and ---"

Sydney interrupted to say, "There was no mission, was there, Dad?"

Jack nodded in his daughter's direction. "Of course, there was no mission. No real mission for you two. Honestly, Vaughn. Did Sydney kick anyone's butt? Did she rappel down a cliff? Climb up a building? Did she badly speak a foreign language? Did you speak French? Wear she ridiculously-scanty attire that makes me positively nauseous? Did you wear black leather? Or some hideous blue leisure suit that the costume department somehow decided is what international arms dealers wear? Did you have to save her or she you? Did you have any gadgets that break every scientific law? No? Then it's not a mission. Although I understand that you were swinging from balcony to balcony like Spiderman. But hockey puck boxers are not Agency regulation, are they? That doesn't sound like a mission to me," Jack smirked while Vaughn turned an accusing eye on first Sydney, then Weiss. Both shrugged innocently. Jack explained, "The digital camera? Remember? Barclay sent back the pictures that day. We've been---"

"No! Not the screen saver!" Vaughn protested, feeling his stomach sink.

"No. It's more useful in my files than as a screen saver," Jack noted. Vaughn thought "Jack's files?" Ohmigod. Jack's files. Now there was a computer worth hacking into. Or would that be, into that computer it's worth hacking or ..

Jack gave Vaughn a sharp glance and sighed, "Focus. What's your problem, low blood sugar? Maybe you needed to stop at the bakery on the way here, get a doughnut." Sydney choked. Her father gave her a curious glance and continued, "And if that's not enough, what did you actually DO on this mission? Pass notes back and forth? What was this -- seventh grade bio class?"

Sydney commented, "Well, that is where I learned to dissect worms and idea number one on my list was all about worms, so...."

Weiss cracked, "And, actually, Jack, I'd say that is exactly what this mission was. I mean in my seventh grade bio class we learned all about human repro-"

"Shut up, Weiss!" everyone exclaimed.

"Well, that's the thanks I get, after everything I've done!" Weiss sniffed in mock affront.

"I knew this was a lame mission, I knew it! That's why you never told us what the mission was!" Vaughn accused.

Weiss shook his head, "That's not true, Vaughn. I told you that it was the 'Syd and Vaughn - how-can-we-get-them-together-show'."

"You did. Another damn technicality," Vaughn said flatly, shaking his head.

"See? The only lie I told you was the one to which I've already admitted - that the assigned agent had appendicitis. I think one lie in the game of true love is allowed."

Vaughn stared at Weiss, his face promising retribution. He turned to Jack and asked, "But wait - Jack, how did you know we wouldn't catch on sooner?"

"I saw the way you two looked at each other and I knew if you could actually spend time together... I was young once too, son, young and foolish and let my emotions blind me to what I should have seen. I predicted that you two would be the same and I was right. Been there, done that, after all."

While Sydney mouthed, "Son?", Vaughn shrugged. Eh, he was getting used to it. It wouldn't kill him.

Irina said softly, "Jack, I...." They all waited for her to continue.

But when she said nothing more, Jack shrugged and quipped, "I figured you would be concentrating on each other, on the mess you'd made out of your relationship, on well, um, your feelings that you've repressed for months now. And when you got that straightened out, I figured Weiss' endless babbling would distract you anyway."

"Hey!" Weiss protested.

"Sorry, Eric. Your mouth is the best misdirection device I've ever seen in my life. So, how did it go today after our phone call? What did you use - the Who's on First technique?"

"Yup. That's my favorite."

"That's when I figured it out, though. I've seen him use it before when he's deliberately trying to distract someone," Syd noted.

"Figured WHAT out?" Vaughn groaned. "Can someone start at the beginning?"

"Me! Me! I get to do that!" Weiss exclaimed. Everyone rolled their eyes. "Hey, I was just joking...Okaaay. So, what happened was that I had to watch the two of you nearly killing yourselves for the last six months. Sydney looking more and more depressed and at the same time acting like an adrenaline junkie. When I told Jack that I was going to have to seriously consider filing that reprimand for unsafe behavior, he said something had to be done. I agreed. And besides, Jack would have killed me if anything had happened to the princess." Jack growled at him. Weiss spoke up quickly with a sideways glance toward Jack. "And then there was Vaughn."

"What about me?" Vaughn asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Okay, okay. I'll be dead meat for this. But...I figured from how you'd been acting."

"How was I acting?"

"Oh, I don't know. Tense? Irritable? Frustrated? That you weren't, shall we say, availing yourself of the benefits of having a girlfriend. And that said girlfriend might start to wonder after too many excuses of " and here Weiss began using a falsetto, "'I'm sorry, I have a headache,' 'I'm sorry, I'm so tired tonight,' and 'It's that time of the month, darling.'"

Vaughn growled. Jack held a hand up to his face to hide his grin, although Irina caught it and pulled his hand away.

Irina said, "Well, I was the one to urge Syd last week to pick you as her partner on this op. After she'd finally finished that list with my help, I thought she was ready to confront the issue. Of course the fact that the other men listed as options were either completely unknown to her and therefore not appropriate for the mission or completely despised by her - that was not my idea. That was ---"

"Weiss." Syd and Vaughn said in unison.

"Yes. Leaving Vaughn the only viable option. And then Weiss advised her that she would be wise to try and confront you, deal with it. And then I figured Jack would be taking care of the rest, in fact that he'd already set an op in motion, knowing him."

"Did you?" Jack snarled. "So, you wanted to tag team?"

"We are good at playing games together, Jack," Irina said with a smile. "But I know you did the greater part of the set up. Weiss just.coordinated it all. So...."

"So, Dad, you planned this whole escapade? Arranged for the boxes to be buried, the notes to be passed, the intel to be hidden all over Maui?" Syd asked.

"Sure. It was easy. Easier than your childhood birthday parties, let me tell you," Jack said, then snapped his mouth closed as if he'd said too much, too soon.

"What? You planned my parties? I thought."

"What? You thought the nanny planned those scavenger-hunt extravaganzas you wanted for years? If left to the nanny's devices you would have gotten My Little Pony parties every year!" Jack said with a grimace.

"But that one year ---"

"The year you had The Little Mermaid party?"

"Yes!"

"I was stuck in the hospital. You were too old for that theme, but you'd always liked the movie, so the nanny thought.."

"You were in the hospital? I thought you just were too busy, weren't interested...."

"No," Irina said firmly to everyone's surprise. "Even if you weren't aware of it, your father was at most of your parties. He's shown me pictures he took of them. And so often when you thought he was unavailable he was in the hospital. Do you know how many times he's been shot, knifed, poisoned? I bet he has his own room in the hospital by now!"

Weiss mumbled to Vaughn, "That's not all he has in the hospital." Vaughn began to laugh, until Weiss elbowed him.

"Um. Okay. But what does this have to do with the non-mission?" Vaughn started and then stopped, "Oh. Wait. That second day, that scavenger hunt? That was a little gift to Sydney? And, so this whole mission was just a taxpayer-funded front to get us together? Hold on. Does Kendall know?"

"Kendall?" Jack scoffed. "He's clueless. He's blinded every morning by the glare of his head in the mirror as he's polishing it."

"Which? The head or the mirror?" Weiss asked.

"Both, probably," Jack said dryly, "Besides, there was a mission. Just you and Syd weren't on it. You both put in for three vacation days and permission to use Agency transport to Hawaii."

"We did?" Syd and Vaughn asked in unison.

"Yes. Of course. All of the paperwork is signed and completed and filed."

"Of course," Vaughn muttered, "And I'm sure our signatures on these forms are fullproof, would stand up under any scrutiny?"

"Why wouldn't they? I did them myself," Jack said with a shrug. Vaughn stared at him. The man was unbelievable. Although, Vaughn asked himself, why should he shocked that Jack was acting as if forging signatures, arranging a non-mission and whatever else he'd done was no big deal? Because in the scheme of Jack Bristow's life, it was no big deal, just a minor little hiccup. He'd probably spent more time planning Syd's birthday parties! Here his thoughts stopped, because he knew, just knew this wasn't the end So, why the hell was he worrying about something as relatively trivial as forged signatures? That was surely just a minor detail, a drop in the bucket in this story, he could tell. He just knew it wasn't going to get any better, he just knew. All he didn't know was how many Tums he was going to eat tonight. Oh, shut up, he thought to himself. It would probably be best if he just stopped thinking at this point, I mean, why ruin a perfect record?

Jack continued, "And I paid for Syd's hotel room in Lahaina. And there was a mission, Vaughn, so don't worry that the taxpayers got the shaft. Weiss, Barclay and Washington were in on it."

"Okay, clearly Barclay and Washington owed you something. Getting out of Jack Bristow's debt would be enough to motivate anyone. But what did you get out of all this, Weiss?" Vaughn asked accusingly.

"Well, first of all, it was fun. At least the part where I was distracting you. The other part? Not so much."

"The other part?" Syd echoed, then stopped when she saw the smirk trying to peek out from her father's face. Her mother looked at him quizzically, with a crease between her brows.

Weiss began speaking, but Irina cut him off to ask accusingly, "Jack, what else did you do?"

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you!"

"Oh, no, not Who's on First again, "Vaughn moaned.

"I don't have to resort to those tactics, thank you," Jack said sternly. Then turning to Irina he asked, "Why do you think I did anything else?"

"Because you're Jack Bristow and enough is never good enough. And because I recognize that smirk on your face."

"Oh, really? After twenty years you think you can recognize what my facial expressions mean?"

"Yes. I'll be proven right, eventually. Let me go on the record saying that that particular Jack Bristow smirk means that you think you've been quite, quite clever about something. In the past, you might have ACTUALLY laughed aloud. But in the present, in which your face might apparently crack if you laugh---"

Sydney interrupted, "Hey, Mom, Weiss says he's seen Dad laugh."

"He has?" Vaughn and Irina said in unison. Weiss nodded but bit his lip and avoided Jack's harsh glance.

"Thanks a bunch!" Jack said to Weiss.

"Sorrrry," Weis said sullenly.

"Yeah, Jack," Vaughn said, "Bet he didn't realize there was a law against telling your own daughter that occasionally you take that stick out of your ass." Vaughn looked proud of himself for a moment, then blanched. Sydney gaped at him and whispered, "Sometimes a little backbone goes a looong way, you know."

Everyone stared in shock at Vaughn and then as one swiveled to look at Jack's face. Not a pretty sight. Irina recovered first and grabbed Jack's arm as he moved forward. She winked at Sydney and quipped, "Jack, he's right. Why don't you smile and laugh, at least around us, your family? I mean, are you worried that laughing might ruin your reputation as the stiffest man in creation?"

Surprised, Jack turned to stare at Irina. Suddenly his mouth quirked and he said dryly, "Well, Irina, I remember times when you've been quite happy that I was the---"

"DAD! I'm in the room!"

Smiling, glad that she had been able to deflect his anger away from Vaughn, who was surreptitiously wiping his forehead, Irina said, "Well, so, why were you smirking?"

"Hmm. I guess you could say that the reason for my smirk is that we or rather, Weiss, did something that was, well, funny."

"Funny?" Irina echoed.

Jack answered impatiently, "Yes. Funny. Amusing. Comical. Humorous. What, do I need to do -- pull out my Roget's?"

"I don't think it's your Roget's Thesaurus that Irina wants you to pull out.I'll stop now," Weiss said when Sydney elbowed him hard. Boy, that girl had pointy elbows, he thought as he rubbed his ribs.

Vaughn implored, "Can we get back to the story now?" And he had thought he would be having a normal conversation with the Bristows? What was wrong with everyone lately, what was with all this sexual innuendo? Did the author of this story find it amusing, or what?

Weiss said, "Oh, I don't know. Except for the part where Vaughn almost lost his life a few moments ago, this has been pretty amusing. Although, actually that was pretty humorous. Comical. Funny." When no one responded, Weiss sighed. He continued, "Okay, Vaughn wanted to know what I got out of this? Besides helping my best friend, whom I love like a brother and Sydney, whom I love like a sister, get together? Oh wait, stop. That's not a good analogy. If Vaughn were my brother and Sydney my sister... Nope, not gonna go down that road."

Vaughn muttered, "Thank you."

Weiss chuckled and continued, "That was the main reason. I...love you both and wanted you to be happy."

"Oh, Eric," Sydney said and moving forward gave him a hug. Kissing the top of her head, Weiss looked up as Vaughn said, "Thank you."

Pushing Syd back toward Vaughn, Weiss continued, "That was too close to a Bath and Body Works moment for me. Let's get back on track, talk about more manly stuff. Like the fact there was the added incentive of Jack's recommendation for a promotion if I carried this off."

"You did," Jack agreed. "The recommendation is in one of those boxes. I assume you'd like to read it now, if you didn't before when you were handing the boxes over to my contact for placement."

"No, Jack. I didn't read it. That wouldn't have been ethical," Weiss said in affront.

Jack shrugged, "Well, go ahead. Here's the key to box number one," and handed Weiss the key.

As Weiss read the sheet of paper, Vaughn said, "You know, coming down the hallway I said I was looking forward to having a nice, basic conversation here. But with Weiss in the room, it's gotten all.loopy. I still don't understand how..."

Weiss looked up and said quickly, "How it all came together? Jack planned it all out, from the moment you got to the plane. Although he did make one miscalculation."

"Yes, I did. I admit it. I thought you'd come up with the explanation sooner, Mike."

"Yeah. Jack didn't know about your little...timing problem, so he couldn't take that into account in his plans," Weiss said snidely.

"Weiss, I swear...." Vaughn snarled.

"Boys, boys," Jack warned. He continued, "I was surprised at how long it took them to get together. That's true. When I spoke with Weiss on the second day and he said that Vaughn still didn't have an explanation, that's when I figured I'd talk with Mike again, light a fire under him, give him an idea--"

Vaughn accused, "That second phone call. You manipulated me! You knew just what to say to get me..."

"To grow a backbone? Yes. You needed one. Sydney needed you to have one. You can't live with the women in this family without one. But let me remind you that I don't need to have demonstrations of that backbone, save it for Sydney and--"

"Jack, let it go," Irina cautioned, still holding onto his arm.

Vaughn growled, "Great. Fabulous. And wait, you spoke with Weiss? Not just me? That's how you knew that I didn't have the explanation yet?" he asked in surprise.

Weiss answered, "Sure, don't you remember? I thought I blew it at the time, but luckily your mind was, um, elsewhere. I was on the phone when you came into the room that night, after tucking Sydney into bed."

"That's all he did, tuck her into bed?" Irina asked in surprise.

"Yeah, Syd was pretty bushed by the end of the day and then they had to do the scuba portion of the scavenger hunt. So, by bed time.well, let's just say that Vaughn earned some much-needed points by being a gentleman."

"Wait a minute...scavenger hunt on Maui?" Irina asked.

"Yeah, that's what Vaughn called it, a scavenger hunt," Weiss confirmed.

"Oh, I'm not surprised by the scavenger hunt, you know that. But, on Maui? I'm just putting two and two together. Just where did they go?" Irina asked again, turning toward Jack, raising an eyebrow.

Everyone stared in surprise, was Jack Bristow actually...no, that could not be a tinge of red across his cheeks, could it?

"What is it, Irina?" Vaughn asked for everyone.

"Sydney," Irina began, turning reluctantly away from Jack, "Do you know where your father and I went on our honeymoon?"

Vaughn answered, "Let me guess. Maui?"

"Yes," Irina confirmed. "And Maui was, is, beautiful. Gorgeous scenery, lovely, romantic. But we were more interested in." she broke off with a smile in Jack's direction. He pretended to ignore her. She continued, "We were more interested in, um, each other. But there we were in this exotic location - we should see it, right? So, we decided to make a race out of it, a game to see how many sights or attractions we could see in one day. That way we could show photographs, tell people all that we had seen, but then we'd have the rest of the days and nights free for---"

"That's enough! Sydney doesn't need to hear about that. And neither do I," Jack protested.

"You're the one who set them up on that game plan, Jack, not me! So don't get squeamish now. But no wonder Sydney was exhausted, if the hunt you sent them on was anything like what we did. And adding scuba onto it? You were just trying to make sure that one or both of them was too tired to do anything about their feelings until they'd straightened it all out, don't lie to me, Jack Bristow!"

"Oh, come on. That day was no big deal. I mean we did almost the same road trip, I admit we didn't do the scuba dive, but we still had more than enough energy to." He stopped, chagrined. Sydney looked away, pretending to ignore the last comment.

Irina smiled at his slip, but still protested, "We were just kids when we got married, did that itinerary, Jack. As adults, that would be exhausting!"

"Eh, they're both in great shape. Now, if it had been Weiss.."

"Hey, is this where I have to hear about being roly-poly again?" Weiss protested.

Jack ignored him to continue, "I don't see what the big deal is about the schedule."

"Be realistic," Irina argued. "You'd be tired too after that day."

"Oh, really? Even at our age, I've never had any complaints about my stamina.in the field." Jack said dryly.

While Weiss laughed and Irina growled, Sydney and Vaughn looked at each other and mouthed, "in the FIELD?" Yikes, Vaughn thought, had he picked up that phrase, that analogy from Jack? Or was his mind starting to work like Jack's? Ohmigod, ohmigod. Stop at the Agency store on the way out, and buy some borax for the brain, he thought to himself. This was getting scary.

He spoke up, "So what's in the other boxes?"

Irina answered, "Well mine is a tape of Jack planning the operation with Weiss. Weiss gave it to the contact when he gave him the other boxes as well. I thought you might like to have it as a souvenir. Better than that tacky tshirt you bought in Hana, anyway," Irina said.

"Hold on!" Jack exclaimed. "You had Weiss bug ME?"

"Yeah, isn't that great?" Weiss asked. "Ironic, wouldn't you say?"

"Hold on," Vaughn said more calmly. "Ironic, what's ironic? And how did you know about the tshirts? How did Weiss know about all that stuff in Hana?"

"Yeah, what were you doing with that whipped cream, anyway?" Weiss asked curiously.

Vaughn and Sydney turned red and Irina and Jack looked at each other. Weiss said, "Oh. Sorry. I lead a sheltered life, didn't occur to me what you were doing...Should have kept my mouth shut. Now. I'll shut up now."

Jack covered his face with one hand, while Irina whispered with a smile, "Jack, don't you remember when we were-"

"Stop it!" Jack whispered fiercely back. "There are some things I just don't want to know, alright?"

Sydney cleared her throat. "I know. That couple that took our pictures on the road to Hana? Some of your contacts, Dad?"

"Of course." Jack nodded.

"Jack.Sometimes you scare even me," Irina laughed.

"Well, good. Then there was more than one benefit to this game. Maybe you'll think twice before you play with me again.." then stopped when Irina began to chuckle at his words.

Irina whispered, "Play with you? You want me to stop." She smiled. Jack groaned.

"So what was the real mission, anyway?" Vaughn asked.

Jack shrugged dismissively, "Gathering up intel that Irina had given us a while back that was not of crucial importance in terms of timing." At the word timing, Weiss made a slicing motion across his neck in Jack's direction.

Sydney asked, "So, wait. So, mom encouraged me. I know that. And, Mom, you thought, assumed that Dad would pick it up from there. But the timing of it, how did you know?"

"Well, Weiss of course would tell your father that you and Vaughn were going on a mission, even if he did not have another way to learn that information."

"But, there was still Alice," Sydney protested.

Irina shrugged, "Oh, I figured Jack would take care of that aspect of it."

"Did you?" Jack asked of Irina.

"Yes, I know you that well, Jack. Some things never change. And one thing that would never change is that you want your little girl to be happy and you're willing to do whatEVER it takes to make her happy."

Weiss let out a sharp bark of laughter. Jack sent him a quelling glance. Looking from one to the other, Irina asked quickly, "Weiss came to you or did you go to Weiss?"

"Jack called me the same day you had your little mother-daughter talk with Syd, about an hour before I spoke with you. He knew about the mission, knew about the reprimand, was frantic about Sydney," here Jack frowned, while Weiss continued, "and he thought it was a good opportunity to resolve the matter. Just like Irina did when Syd mentioned it to her. Talk about freaky timing."

Jack frowned. With a sidelong glance at him, Irina spoke up quickly, "My only question and I admit it's been killing me, is this: how did you do it? Neither of us would have countenanced the two of them getting together with the supposed girlfriend still in the picture. I know Jack felt the same way, knew he'd take care of it. But HOW did you make sure Vaughn was available, for real, this time?"

No one spoke. Vaughn glared at Weiss and Jack. Not surprisingly it was Weiss that broke first.

"We set Alice up," Weiss muttered.

"You set her up? Oh, Weiss," Syd moaned.

Vaughn said quietly, "That was kind of cruel."

Weiss raised his eyebrow and spoke sarcastically, "Really? Like it was so kind to string her along for several months when all the time you were pining over another woman? The kind thing to do would have been never to go out with her to begin with and failing that, to break up with her a lot sooner than you did. So don't give me a lecture on kindness, buddy. Besides Jack did a check on her, what she'd been saying to her friends to make sure that she had a clue that all was not well in Vaughn land."

"Jack did what? How? Let me guess. You planted a bug on Alice?" Vaughn asked, already knowing the answer. "That's why you said it was ironic that Weiss bugged you?"

Jack shrugged like bugging loved ones was no big deal. Vaughn stared at him, then shrugged internally as well. Of course, to Jack Bristow planting a bug on the girlfriend of his daughter's non-boyfriend to ascertain the status of the relationship between that girlfriend and the boyfriend he thought was probably that girlfriends' non-boyfriend in the real sense of the word .He was lost in his own train of thought. Well, anyway, it would not even rate a blip on the ethics radar. If such a thing existed in the land o' Bristow. Oh wait a minute, it did. Jack had lectured Sydney on going out with Vaughn while he had still been dating Alice. And.he thought suddenly, how would he pay for that? Jack would never let that go..Vaughn stared at Jack with narrowed eyes.

Jack gave a quirk to his lips. "Well, in light of what else I did for the sake of my daughter's happiness, planting a bug on Alice was nothing."

Weiss began to laugh, as he said, "Should I take that as an insult, Jack?"

"Take it anyway you like it, as long as I don't have to repeat it ever again."

"Oh, I don't know, it may have been worth it just to see you laugh that hard," Weiss commented.

Syd echoed, "Laugh? Dad? Okay, Weiss, spill. I can tell this will be good."

"Jack, is it okay?" Weiss asked.

"You were the one who was so freaked out by it. I've had worse done to me. At least this time I wasn't hospitalized," Jack said. "So, go ahead if you want."

Weiss began, "So the key was the fact that Vaughn says Syd's name in his sleep."

Irina asked, "You heard via the bug, Alice mention Vaughn talking in his sleep?"

"Actually, no. We already knew that, had the germ of the idea from that. Weiss knew that Vaughn says Syd's name in his sleep from times they've had to share a room," Jack corrected.

"And he would say it every night, without fail. Especially if he were tired. I babble when I'm tired, Vaughn lets down his defenses and talks about Sydney in his sleep when he's really tired. So it was just a matter of making sure he was tired enough on a night when he was supposed to see Alice."

"You have got to be kidding." Vaughn said flatly, "This was planned, like, like.A Jack Bristow plan. Nothing was left to chance, was it? So the day before this mission, that ridiculous work load Jack assigned me, then all those squash games were solely to..."

Weiss nodded, "Solely to get you so tired you'd fall asleep on her couch, since we all know you weren't going to bed---"

"That's enough!" Vaughn exclaimed.

Weiss continued, "What we did know from the bug is that Alice found it curious that you were talking about some guy named Sid in your sleep, when you never mentioned him at any other time. Especially when you would moooaann his name. She was just starting to wonder if there was more to your lack of a sex life than mere tiredness."

"Oh. My. God." Vaughn said, "No, no, don't tell me...."

"Vaughn, meet your good friend, Sid." Weiss gestured toward Jack.

Sydney broke into hysterical laughter and gasped out, "That's why she asked if you were gay? She met my father and thought he was---thought HE was gay? Thought Vaughn was gay? Boy, she doesn't have good gaydar, does she?"

"Gaydar? Is that an American term, slang? What's the Russian translation of that?" Irina asked Jack.

Jack just rolled his eyes and then said, "Later, Irina. Syd, I think you're being too hard on her. I mean if the woman is willing and the man won't put out, it's only natural for her to wonder if he's having an affair, which in this case was true - an emotional affair, or if he's gay or ---"

"I don't know. Just plain stubborn? Or the biggest tease, what's that American expression? And the male equivalent would be a ---" Irina asked slyly. Jack slammed a hand over her mouth. Sydney stopped laughing. This was way too much information. She glared at her mother. Irina bit Jack's hand and he removed it, glaring at her.

Irina mumbled, "Oh, sorry. Forgot you Americans are so prudish. Hard to believe it of you Sydney, being Jack's daughter and all, but..."

"Irina, that's enough. Focus," Jack snarled.

"Fine, I was just having some fun, but...." Irina began to laugh. "So. Jack, Weiss, tell us, what exactly did you do?"

Vaughn crossed his arms over his chest, "Yeah, tell us. I'm dying to know."

"You know how a few days before the mission started you had that date with Alice at that restaurant you like a few blocks over?"

'Yessss," he said with trepidation. He was getting that sinking feeling in his stomach. The kind that had caused him to buy cases of Tums ever since the Bristows had entered his life. And Weiss working with the Bristows? He might need stomach surgery by the time this was over.

"Well, walking down the street from the parking garage, just who do you think Alice met?" Weiss asked, rocking back and forth on his feet.

"I have no idea," Vaughn said woodenly.

"Me. And Sid, here. Getting ready to walk into that gay bar, the Rainbow Room. You know, the one that's right next to the restaurant."

"Oh. My. God."

"And so she saw me and of course, I had to stop and introduce your good friend, Sid, here to Alice," Weiss explained.

"Of course....You have got to be kidding me." For the love of..would you look at that smirk on Jack's face, Vaughn thought. Weiss was not kidding. He could not believe this....

"Would I kid about this? No, I would not." Weiss shook his head.

"But.....did she...?" Syd asked.

"Get it right away? No. It wasn't enough to introduce her to "Sid," your "good" friend. Hate to say it, but she's not real quick on the uptake. She wasn't making the connection right away even though we were at the gay bar. You could tell the name meant something to her, but she couldn't quite figure it out. Although I could see the wheels turning, they weren't turning fast enough. I mean, you could have come down the street yourself at any moment. And Jack's Plan B for proving who Sid was to you - well, we didn't have enough time, really, to use PhotoShop without staying up all night. And Jack wanted to get home and finish the planning. So, it had to get done right then. We had trouble, my friend, right here in Spy City! Drastic measures were needed, my friend, drastic! " Weiss said in a sing song voice. That voice that always made Vaughn want to pop him.

Vaughn thought for a moment and then asked, "PhotoShop? You were going to make pictures? Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Drastic? Your idea of drastic or Jack's? Jack, tell me there were no explosives involved, no kidnapping, no regression therapy, no hypnosis, no psychotropic drugs......."

"No. Don't be ridiculous," Jack said with a smile. Which was enough to make Vaughn cringe. "The simplest plans are always the best. The fewer the steps, the smaller margin for error."

"Thanks, Jack, EVER so much for the impromptu lesson in strategizing. And by the way, you'll be glad to know Weiss at least has been paying attention. But, tell me already, what the HELL did you two do?"

"So testy, Mike. Really, calm down. All's well that end's well, isn't it?" Weiss asked complacently.

Vaughn growled.

"Alright. You asked. So, with the introductions over, she had turned around and begun to walk away. And I said to Jack, just loudly enough for an innocent passerby to hear," Weiss rocked back and forth on his heels, looking entirely too smug, "That I didn't appreciate always playing second fiddle to Vaughn, that the only time we went out was when Vaughn was busy, that didn't I have what it takes myself? That I prided myself on being good at.Of course, she turned around when she heard Vaughn's name...."

"The look on her face. The confusion. I almost felt bad." Jack commented, shaking his head in mock sympathy.

"Yeah, right. I'm so sure you did," Vaughn snarled, while Syd and Irina stared wide-eyed at the men, wondering just what was coming.

"Well, see, what I saw on her face was still some lingering confusion. We had to get rid of that." Weiss explained.

"Don't say 'we', Weiss. What happened next was all your idea. Not mine. Not mine." Jack protested.

"WHAT happened, already?" Vaughn exclaimed, afraid to ask. Although how much worse could it be than what he already knew..

"Oh, I reached over and planted one on Jack." Weiss said casually.

It was that much worse.

"It was quick. Just a peck. No tongue or anything," Weiss was quick to explain.

Jack held up his hand. "Yes, let's make that perfectly clear."

Weiss rolled his eyes, "But she had a look of such shock on her face. Then she just said, 'Oh, Eric, you're such a joker, but getting more weird all the time.' She shook her head and stared at us, like waiting for the punchline. Then she walked away, still shaking her head. And Mr. Happy here," he pointed at Jack, "Gets this look on his face like he's going to lose it any moment. And Alice is still right there, for crying out loud. For all the times for Jack Bristow to lose control......Honestly, am I the only one who could keep a clear head on this op?" Weiss shook his head.

"Then what happened?" Syd asked, between giggles.

"So, Jack says to me that if what he just sampled was evidence of my technique, I really need to work on my skills." Weiss sniffed in mock disdain, "Like he got the full treatment from me anyway!" He paused and then began again, "Then he starts laughing. Laughing! Didn't do much for my ego, let me tell you!"

Irina said, "He was laughing? What set you off so much, Jack? I'd have thought you would have been mad at him. But then again, when's the last time you really----"

Jack sent her a frown as he said, "No, as he said drastic situations call for drastic measures. We were desperate. Eric used creative problem solving in the field. Wish he'd thought of some other method, but as I always say, you can't argue with success. And too, I was thinking that maybe this made up for all the times Syd thought I wasn't there for her. I mean, if letting Weiss kiss me doesn't earn me some points...."

Weiss said snidely, "Yeah, so you said at the time, Jack. Then he starts to laugh, recounting all the various ways he's been tortured over the years and maybe this was the worst. Humph. I shoved him into the bar, he was laughing so hard I thought he was going to... I don't know what. I mean, when's the last time you laughed, Jack? You need more practice - that was the problem, you had years of laughter stored up inside you and it all burst out that day."

"I knew it! That's what I was about to say, that when was the last time Jack really laughed? But, then what?" Irina asked, smiling.

"I had the biggest glass of Scotch I've had since, oh, I don't know, since Syd figured out that you were alive," Jack said.

"Ha, ha, Jack. Very funny," Irina sniffed.

With a smirk at Weiss, Jack added, "That scotch is a great multi-tasking tool. Served as both antiseptic and anesthetic."

"Ha, ha, Jack. Very funny," Weiss sniffed.

"Then we went back to my house and planned out this little op. Didn't take that long, maybe twenty minutes, half an hour?" Jack asked Weiss.

"Yeah, when Jack's on a roll, he could plan the takeover of a foreign country in, oh, maybe an hour or two?" Weiss suggested.

Irina mumbled, "I think he's done it in less."

"So, you timed the whole thing -- when Alice would be coming down the sidewalk and accidentally encounter you two?" Vaughn asked, still in shock.

Jack confirmed, "It's the timing, Vaughn. I've told you before, you need to be precise in your timing."

Weiss interjected, "Yeah, he needs help with his timing, Jack. Maybe you could give him some remedial instruction in that area."

"SHUT up!" Vaughn said.

Sydney giggled, "This is amazing. I don't know what the best part is."

Weiss laughed, "Actually, the best part was watching Jack try to hold in the laughter. Poor Alice. She must have thought not only that Vaughn was cheating on her with a man, but that the man in question had fits on the street as well. I was relieved when she left, because I was getting afraid that Jack was going to give himself a hernia from holding in the laughter. Who knew a kiss from me could break Jack's rules against loosening up around junior agents and inspire a laughing fit?"

"Jack, I still can't believe you let him do that!" Irina looked like she didn't know whether to be horrified or just giggle. And with that thought, Weiss stared at her. Irina giggle? Hmm.

"Well, Weiss isn't my type, but it didn't kill me." Jack said dryly. Now Irina really did giggle, along with Syd. Irina looked up at Jack and began laughing even harder, mumbling in gasps, "Not your type," until she reached out a hand and grabbed Jack's arm to steady herself. Jack put his arm around Irina and smiled down at her. Then he realized what he'd done and pulled his arm away so fast Irina nearly stumbled.

Vaughn stared at the two of them in astonishment, his mind still reeling from the notion of Weiss planting a wet one on Jack. And living to tell the tale. Although, he thought it could not have been a wet one, Weiss really would not have been alive if that were the case. And, by all that was holy, why was he thinking about this topic, still? Yuck. Think about something, anything else..

"Wait a minute -," Vaughn began, "Alice thinks I am in some kind of three way relationship with Weiss and Jack." Argh. He would never be able to hang out with any of their mutual friends again. He looked at Jack and asked, "So, for hurting your little girl? Payback. It's a bitch?" Jack nodded.

Weiss rolled his eyes and asked in a tone of false hurt, "Jack, I have to ask. Why am I not your type? Is it because I'm roly poly?"

Syd cracked up, "Are we back on that topic again? Mom, you really need to tell him you were kidding."

"Of course, I was kidding, Agent Weiss. You're... cute and funny." Weiss groaned and shot a look at Sydney, while Irina continued, "Those are good qualities, you know. Lots of women want just that. I think you haven't been paying attention to the right women if you don't have a girlfriend. And clearly roly-poly was a joke. After all, I would never say something that negative if I really meant it. I have my limits, after all."

Jack burst into laughter. Irina stared at him in annoyance. Everyone else stared at him in shock. Jack Bristow was laughing. Again? They WERE in an alternate universe. Jack stopped to gasp out, "That's good. More dating advice from Irina Derevko, the Dear Abby of the KGB. And what's this? YOU have limits? You hesitate at calling someone roly poly but shooting him in the neck - that's no big deal?"

"That's EXACTLY what I mean, Jack. You know how devastating words can be. You're the king of the derogatory, derisive, distrustful, disdainful, disturbing comment."

Good hit. Jack sobered up at that comment. Vaughn nodded in agreement with Irina, surely yet another sign that the apocalypse was nigh. Sydney poked Vaughn with one of those pointy elbows. Weiss thought, yeah, Vaughn should avoid antagonizing Jack for a little while anyway.

Then Weiss realized what Irina had said and groaned, "Not more alliteration." He stopped, thinking that genetics was indeed a funny thing, wasn't it? He glanced at Jack, who had a fleeting look of bemusement on his face as he looked from Irina to Syd. Weiss looked sharply at Syd, who had apparently not noticed the alliteration, being busy trying to keep her boyfriend alive.

"What was that -- derogatory, derisive, distrustful, disdainful, disturbing? A page from Roget's Thesaurus?" Jack asked sarcastically. Then continued, "Oh, wait. What is the equivalent book in Russian? I mean, after all, aren't you always thinking in Russian?"

Ooh, good hit. Weiss watched Irina begin to grind her teeth. "You idiot. The words would not be the same in Russian! They wouldn't start with the same letters, so the alliteration wouldn't work!" At that Syd looked up. Irina continued, "You want to know what I'm thinking in Russian? I'll tell you, you---" And she let loose a torrent of words, to which Jack replied in the same language.

The three younger people watched Irina and Jack sling words back and forth like volleys in a tennis match. Vaughn whispered to Sydney, "I forgot how fluent your father is. So, this is one of their little games? Wow, looks like tons of fun," he said sarcastically. Then asked curiously, "Do you know what they are saying?"

"The question is," She muttered, "Do I want to know?" Then she winced at a particularly pointed comment from her father that made her mother's face turn red. She shot something back so rapidly that Sydney could not translate it. The speed of what were clearly insults increased again and again, until Irina stopped to say in English to her daughter, "You see, Sydney, this is what happens when you don't practice a language often enough. Your father is having trouble with this one consonant combination- "

"Arggh! Are you criticizing my Russian now?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, really, Irina? Say the word s-a-b-o-t-a-g-e for me, will you? No one on the North American continent says it the way you do!"

"I can say it correctly if I want to."

"No, you can't." Jack shot back. "If you had ever said that word that way in the time we were together, the jig would have been up!"

"No, it wouldn't!"

"Mom, Dad! SHUT UP! You're acting like five year olds. I'm expecting you to stick out your tongues at each other any minute, for crying out loud."

Weiss choked. Vaughn pounded him on the back and the two men turned away to hide their amusement.

"Fine," Jack and Irina said in unison, both breathing heavily.

Jack spoke first, point a finger at Irina, "And I don't want to hear another poop out of you tonight."

Irina turned to Sydney and murmured, "I think he means 'peep out of me.' You see, Jack, you've even lost your ability to speak English at this point, let alone Russian. This is what happens when one allows oneself to become too....agitated, too stressed, too...frustrated. Especially when alleviation is so close at hand."

Vaughn and Weiss both began to laugh, but at a pointed glare from Jack, coughed and stared at the ceiling.. Sydney decided she would just pretend to ignore the whole incident and the subsequent conversation in Russian between her parents about just who was.. Don't need to know this, don't need to know this, don't need---

Jack started to speak and then stopped. He thought for a moment and then spoke, clearly deciding to continue the original conversation as if the Russian tennis match and innuendo-laden interlude had not happened. "Please, Irina. When have I ever hurt YOU with my words? And, anyway, words as weapons? Please. I mean it's not like being electrocuted or shot or poisoned or I. Don't. Know, stabbed in the back."

Silence fell. Truth often did that, Sydney thought, just killed the conversation. Something to avoid at dinner parties, to be sure. She looked at Weiss desperately. He rose to the occasion; you could always count on Weiss to have something to say, after all.

"True," Weiss agreed, "Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes."

"Um, Weiss, how do you know the words to that Cher song, Turn Back Time?" Sydney asked with a smirk of her own. "Should I start to look among my male friends for a date for you?"

"Oh, my god. How did I know that? Maybe I need to go see Barnett? Maybe this long run without a girlfriend is screwing me up? Although maybe that's a good title given the situation here. Maybe, but why did I remember it? And.."

"Shut up, Weiss," Jack relaxed and chuckled. "We heard it in that bar. Songs get stuck in one's head. Doesn't mean anything. You're babbling again. Your masculinity is still intact. Or as intact as it ever was."

Vaughn asked, "I hate to break up this little conference on human sexuality, but will someone tell us what's in the other box? In case we've all lost track, the first one had Weiss' apparently well-deserved recommendation, the second has a tape of Weiss and Jack's game strategy, which I'm starting to think deserves to be on the curriculum at spy school- "

"Spy school" both Jack and Irina echoed.

"A joke?" Vaughn sighed. "But the third box, what's in that?"

Weiss and Irina stared at Jack, who straightened his tie and said quietly, "That's from me to Syd. Maybe she could open it later."

"Oh, no," Irina said firmly. "You're not going to avoid this. You did this all for her. Show her. Jack give her the key. Sydney open the box."

Slowly, Jack extended a small key to his daughter. With a curious look she took it and opened the box. Raising the lid she looked inside and then stopped. With a glance at her father, she reached her hand in and pulled out a small plastic Little Mermaid caketopper of Ariel and Prince Eric in wedding attire. For a long moment she just stared at it. Her eyes began to fill. "Oh, Dad," Sydney choked out, "This is from my birthday party all those years ago. How, where?"

When Jack did not answer, just looked down at the floor, Weiss responded quietly, "It's from the Sydney shrine in his house, Syd."

Jack hissed, "Weiss."

"Dad? I---" Sydney began.

When no one said anything, Irina rolled her eyes and urged Sydney, "I think there's something else in the box. What is it?"

"Oh. Let me see," Sydney handed the caketopper to Vaughn and reached back into the box. She pulled out what looked like a map. "Oh. It's a map. Wait! It's just like all those scavenger hunt maps from my parties. That you made up," she said slowly staring at her father. Looking back down at the map, she narrowed her eyes. "This is of Maui, basically, although the starting and ending points are here in LA. And what's this, at the end? Oh, look, Vaughn. It's a tiny little photo of the two of us from that restaurant in Nice! I knew that waiter was one of your contacts, Dad, I knew it! Or was it the busboy?"

Jack smiled deprecatingly, while Vaughn glared at him. Weiss muttered to Vaughn, "Given how it turned out once you took the wire out, you want to make an issue out of Jack's overprotectiveness?"

"Oh. Good point," Vaughn whispered.

"Besides," Weiss continued, "This is not about you anyway. This has all been about a father's love for his daughter."

"So," Irina said, "You get the point, since your father appears tongue- tied? For once? He did all this for you, to give you what you wanted, what you needed. At the end of the scavenger hunt, at the end of the search of a lifetime, guess what? You and Vaughn found each other."

[Everyone here can say, "Awww" in unison.]

"Oh, Daddy, I---" Sydney whispered, looking at her father with tear-filled eyes. Jack stared back at her, but neither said anything more or moved.

Suddenly Irina hissed at Jack, "Go ahead. Do it already."

Both Weiss and Vaughn stiffened. Irina laughed at their caution. "No, you fools. Jack isn't going to do anything to either of you. I just want him to go ahead and do what he wants. What he's wanted to do ever since you all came into the cell, what he started to do and then lost courage to do--"

"Shut UP," Jack hissed.

"You can't make me."

Jack arched an eyebrow.

Irina coughed lightly. "Maybe you could, but not right now. Just go ahead and hug your daughter, give her a kiss, tell her you love her. That's what you want to do anyway."

Sydney stared in shock and asked, "Daddy?" No one moved.

Irina rolled her eyes and urged, "Sydney, come over here. Your father is paralyzed by fright. Ridiculous. He's utterly cool when someone threatens to attach electrodes to his body, throws a knife at him, aims a gun, but when it comes to letting you know, showing you that he loves you, he'd rather plan elaborate game theory than try just a simple hug. For once, Jack Bristow chokes on assignment."

Jack and Sydney stared at each other. Finally, Vaughn gave Sydney a push and Irina elbowed Jack. Weiss looked on happily as Jack and Sydney met in the middle of the room and embraced.

"Honey, everything is truly okay? Are you---" Jack began and then stopped.

Weiss rolled his eyes. "Happy! He wants to know if you are happy!"

Cupping her father's face in one hand, Sydney reached up and gave him a kiss. She realized belatedly, that was the first kiss she had given him in decades. Giving him another squeeze, she said softly, "Yes. I'm happy. Thanks to you."

Jack looked over at Vaughn and intoned, "And she'd better stay that way."

"Oh, Dad, c'mon. We all know you like Vaughn," Sydney laughed. Then she dropped her voice and whispered, "Don't you think you ought to join me in thanking Mom? I mean, she did."

"Syd, I don't want to ruin the moment, but please don't ask me to---"

"Jack, I." Irina began.

"You know, you always say that, 'Jack, I..' When do you intend to finish the sentence, Irina?" Jack accused and released Sydney after giving her one last hug.

To everyone's astonishment, Weiss entered the fray. "Yeah, Irina. I mean, Mrs. Bristow, I mean Ms. Derevko. I have a question for you about--" Weiss stopped at the deadly glares from Irina and Jack, but didn't back down, just scuttled sideways, Syd thought. Like Sebastian. She choked back a giggle as Weiss said, trying to cover himself, "Speaking Russian, I need some pointers."

Vaughn whispered to Syd, "Weiss is filled with foolish confidence after this last mission, isn't he?" Sydney nodded, waiting for the next installment in wide-eyed shock. She didn't have long to wait. This was Weiss, they were talking about.

He suggested, "Jack, why don't you go talk to Syd and Vaughn for a minute?" He waited. Jack didn't move. "Jack, I could kiss you again. Don't want to, but I could. Wouldn't kill me, after all and-"

"Ugh. I'm leaving now!" Jack exclaimed and stepped away. To Syd and Vaughn, he said, "I need to get something from my briefcase, then I'll be right back. Don't let Weiss get too cozy with your mother. I don't know what he's thinking but.Irina and Weiss? That's a scary combination if I ever saw one." He stalked out the door to the cell.

Syd called out, "What did you need, anyway?"

"A Tylenol and an antacid. Or maybe go straight to Percocet. I'm sure I have some of those in my briefcase, too. If not, I'll just give a call to.," Jack grumbled.

In the quiet left in Jack's departure, they could all hear Weiss' brain humming. Syd and Vaughn exchanged looks of alarm. "Oh no, Weiss, don't even think." Vaughn muttered as Weiss and Irina began talking very softly.

Sydney stepped over to Vaughn. She smiled suddenly. Vaughn raised an eyebrow. She whispered, "You know, in some perverse, twisted way, I can't wait to see Weiss take on my parents as his next project."

"Perverse and twisted as in the torture Weiss will endure in the attempt? Sounds good to me. But do you really think he intends to do that?" Vaughn asked. Although he was absolutely sure, with the kind of knowledge that came with that deep, sinking feeling he got around Weiss, that the next few weeks or months were going to be a rollercoaster. And he knew, just knew, he was going to get strapped into a seat, much against his will, and go on the ride. He only hoped he didn't get thrown from the ride or vomit along the way.

"They are going to be a lot more difficult than we were. I don't know that Weiss is up to it," Syd said with an arch tone.

Weiss lifted his head. "Hey, I heard that! And believe me, I don't think anything could be more difficult than you. I took my life in my hands there on that street with Jack for the two of you! And Vaughn's timing problem? I thought I was going to have to call in a specialist. Or worse, have to ask Jack to show up on site. That would not have been pretty. And I wasn't sure that first day if you would really forgive him."

"But Weiss, weren't you the one pointing out that whatever Vaughn had done it was not the equivalent of being a KGB spy on the side?"

"Yeah. That's going to prove to be a slight problem."

"Slight?" Vaughn, Syd and Irina said in unison.

"Let's see, where to start?" Weiss pondered for a moment, then looked ominously at Vaughn.

Vaughn sighed and said, "Step one: Apologize." Weiss chuckled and turned a speculative glance back on Irina.

Syd asked Vaughn, "Step one? What was that about?"

"Oh, Weiss gave me a step by step plan to dig myself out of the hole. It would have gone a lot smoother if I had just followed it, too."

"How many steps?"

"Three."

"Three? And you had trouble following it? Maybe you needed to borrow my PDA?"

"Excuse me!" Vaughn said in mock indignation, while Syd laughed.

When she stopped, she commented, "Somehow, I think it's going to take more than three steps for my parents."

"Oh, yeah. We are so NOT Jack and Irina."

"No, thank God!" They smiled at each other.

Then Syd gave an impish grin and Vaughn tensed. That grin meant trouble.

"Guess what? Did I tell you I've been thinking of changing my first name alias?"

He relaxed. A work conversation, kind of oddly-timed, but no big deal. "No. What's wrong with Kate? What are you thinking?"

"Something a little easier to remember."

"Easier to remember?"

"Sure. From now on, call me Astrid."

He looked at her and said with a grin of his own, "Astrid? I was thinking Ariel."

Weiss looked up and asked, "Don't you think it's odd that with all The Little Mermaid references, no one's noticed that the hero of that story is named Eric and that's my name too? And I didn't even get the girl."

Jack was just returning. "Oh no, not more with The Little Mermaid! What is it with you all and that movie? And, no, don't say it. I've already heard how you two think Ariel was a quote unquote babe." He rolled his eyes.

"Am I missing something?" Irina asked. "She was a cartoon. How can a cartoon be a, what did you say, a babe?"

"It's a guy thing," Vaughn and Weiss said in unison. They laughed and then Weiss commented, "You know, I'm thinking if Syd is Ariel, Vaughn is Prince Eric of course, I clearly have been assigned the Sebastian role, Jack is Triton, but who would Irina be?"

They all looked at each other. Jack cracked a smile as everyone but Irina said, "Ursula?"

Crossing her arms, Irina exclaimed, "Well! I like that. I am an overweight, purple watery witch with eels for elves and 8 arms?"

"Hey, I'm a crab!" Weiss argued."Or a lobster, what was he? Anyway, I think Ursula had a total of 10 arms."

"Whatever, who's counting?" Irina said dismissively. Then she thought for a moment and said, "I've never understood the Disney films. They almost always feature a lost or missing or dead mother figure, don't they?"

"Yeah. Gee, wonder why Sydney always liked them so much," Jack said quickly, then looked almost regretful.

Weiss gave him a thoughtful glance and jumped into the silence, "Did you ever wonder about Ursula though? I mean, maybe if Triton had ever given her the time of day, she wouldn't have been so angry? Or.maybe she just wanted his. spear?"

The younger people laughed. The older couple did not.

"Are you saying," Vaughn added, "That it was just a case of misplaced sexual tension?"

"Yes! Maybe Little Mermaid Two should have been about Ursula and Triton. I mean imagine the possibilities for analogies here. Wait, I've got an idea." Weiss began.

"Oh, no. We're outta here," Vaughn said and grabbed Sydney.

"Me too! I'm leaving!" Jack said and headed toward the door. "Anyone for cashew chicken?"

"Me! I love cashew chicken," Sydney exclaimed.

Vaughn whispered, "I thought we were making a bakery stop, Syd?"

She whispered back, "Oh, that's for dessert. Get a grip on yourself. Wait, that would be a waste. I mean, it's always a waste when frosting isn't used properly." she giggled. Vaughn rolled his eyes and then laughed. Sydney called back, "Mom, do you want us to bring you back some?"

Vaughn choked and after giving him a quizzical look, Jack pounded him on the back, perhaps a little more forcefully than necessary, Vaughn thought. But then realized that after the stick up the ass comment, he was lucky to get away with only a thump on his spine, after all. He was lucky to still have a spine.

Weiss called out, "I like moo goo gai pan. Or beef and broccoli. No, pork fried lo mein. Oh, whatever you guys pick is fine. I'm not picky. Now, Irina."

Irina called out plaintively, "Hey, what about me? You're leaving me here with him?"

Jack sighed happily, "Ah, finally a perfect revenge."

"Jack! C'mon! You know I can't leave!" Irina protested.

"I know. It's great," Jack smiled. "Have fun."

As they began walking away, they heard Irina call plaintively, "Jack.I'll tell you anything you want to know, anything."

Jack stopped for a moment and then shook his head. "Guess what? You will eventually, anyway."

As the three of them looked back, they heard Weiss say to Irina, "So. What's this I hear about nightly dates in Cell Block A? Have any mixer dances lately? You know, you'd probably look great in black. In fact, I bet that's your color. Do your hair, put on some makeup, high heels? No? How about---"

"Weiss," Irina said wearily, "This isn't a sorority with mixers and game night, you know."

"Hmm," he said, "That gives me an idea."

Irina rolled her eyes, "Oh, no. What?"

"Guess what?"