Disclaimer: I have no right to do the things to these poor boys that I do.
Nonetheless I will do them and you shall like it!
Comments: Oh my God! This took so long to get up, ne? Well, like I said I'm at college now and I don't have oodles of free time anymore. That and my new friends are all like *glomp* 'let's hang out in Starr's room for five hours!' And then I have to march my ass to the top of the damn hill and up four flights of stairs where I promptly pass out until two AM. Yeah, man I'd forgotten how taxing social interaction can be! Well, such is life, ne? Anyway I hope you like this. I kept trying to get it done and getting interrupted and all that. But it is done now! Yeah! Man I am so hungry... I should have gone to dinner. Oh well, the snack place is still open, whee hoo, go college! Mmm... mountain dew *guzzles*. Whaaa haaa caffeine! Well, later all you all. Oh, and I have AIM now I'm 'Alaskan Otaku' *points at bio thing*. Please feel free to say hi to me online some time! I love talking to people online. *hugs Lilas and VulHashiba and Makoto and Fei* Love you guys!
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Words ran together, squelching, melding, rising and falling like some inane tide. I could no longer feel my arms. I hadn't been able to feel my arms for hours. First I had to carry the kids, now this.
When we had returned to base in the twilight hour just before dawn we had no choice but to take Nagi to the infirmary, even knowing that doing so meant signing our own death warrants with the commanders. The life of the young man Schuldich had injured depended on us taking responsibility for our actions. Omi wasn't doing all that hot either. Internal bleeding came to mind. We took them to the infirmary, knowing the night shift nurses would be there, winding down, readying to go back to their barracks. Suffice to say they were not pleased to see us. There was much confusion over the circumstances of their new patient, but I wasn't having any of it. Pushed beyond my limits mentally and physically I'd nearly had a psychopathic fit, words leaving my mouth that I'd never even known I knew. My tirade shut them up and got Nagi on his way to surgery.
Ran and I limped lamely back to our barracks hoping to God we could at least get an hour's worth of sleep in before the full force of the fiasco was reported to Crawford. Just this once our prayers were blissfully answered. It wasn't until almost and hour and a half later that Youji came storming through the barracks, halfway dressed and hauled our sorry asses, Farf and Schu's included, back out into the Vietnam morning and then straight to the officer's quarters. We were lined up at attention. Crawford, also only partially in uniform, glared at us over the rim of his military issue, wire rimed glasses. His eye twitched nervously and then he stood. Much yelling ensued.
The yelling continued until each of us had had our own personal bout of verbal abuse. I can still remember the way Lieutenant Commander Crawford's spit felt as it hit my face. When Crawford felt he was done he collapsed into his chair to fume and tick to his heart's content. Then it was Kudou's turn to yell. But that was not going to be enough for the Lieutenant, oh no. We were his direct responsibility. We had not only shamed and disgraced ourselves, but him and our entire company as well. He made this very clear. It was his job to find 'suitable punishment' for all of us. For the time being, marching us onto the field and making us hold full buckets of water at arm's length seemed to be sufficient.
It was as he continued to berate, belittle, and generally abuse us to no ends, much to the amusement of the rest of the base, that I realized I could not feel my arms. And that his words no longer made any sense. He could have been telling us about the first time he finger banged a girl back on the farm and I wouldn't have known the difference.
Moments passed. We stood still as statues, unmoving, frozen, taking the beating we knew we deserved. Out of the corners of my eyes I could see Fujimiya and Schuldich as they stood, staring blankly ahead. I kept thanking God that Omi didn't have to go through this. I wondered then where he was, and would learn only later that Crawford had designated him a 'victim of idiocy' and sent him back to the infirmary with a slap on the hand.
When it seemed that I could not stand there a second longer without losing my mind, Youji suddenly ran out of steam. He stopped talking and simply folded his long legs, sitting down on the grass in front of us, head in hands.
After a pause a hairsbreadth long he groaned in frustration, "Drop your fucking buckets."
We didn't hesitate to comply. "Sit for God's sake... at ease, men."
We sat, each of us giving an audible groan of relief. Schuldich lay flat on his back, arms still out at his sides as if he couldn't bring them in any longer. His hair stuck out around his head like a perverse mane. "Fuckin'-ay, Kudou, that was harsh," he moaned.
Kudou snapped his head up. "Shut up, Schuldich. It wasn't nearly harsh enough not for the shit you pulled last night. I'm a far way from through with you. I still have to come up with your real punishments, but I'll tell you this much: you and Jei aren't going to be seeing Sang Cho-na for a long time," he spat, running a hand through his long hair. His eyes looked weary and to me it seemed as if he was as exhausted as we were. Youji was not a man who enjoyed being in charge of others. He took leadership too seriously and it wore him very thin. He loved every man who served with him and felt towards us a kinship, a caring even... like an older brother at times even a father. With Youji, the saying 'this hurts me more than it hurts you,' was true. He hated having to be harsh with his men, and was both angry and disappointed in us for putting him in that position.
He hung his head again. When he finally raised it his eyes darted back and forth between Ran and myself. "And as for you two... well, I've got plans for you two. Seeing as this is your first major infraction, and knowing how these two probably coerced you into your idiocy I'm not going to ground you. But don't get smug. I've got something that'll do quite nicely for you boys. And I hope you -all- appreciate the fact that you are going to be getting to know the heads real well. The four of you will be on your hands and knees scrubbing shit out of porcelain for the rest of your lives if I have anything to do with it. Now get your asses out of here and get cleaned up. Crawford wants to question you in twenty minutes," he sighed. "What the fuck were you thinking?" he murmured under his breath. It seemed to me that he cast Fujimiya an especially meaningful glance before he got to his feet and trudged back towards the officer's quarters.
We all stood and began to walk towards the barracks, Kudou heading away from us. When I was sure he was out of earshot I groaned. "Shit I can't feel my arms!"
"Shut up, Hidaka," Fujimiya grumbled.
I glared at him, but didn't say anything. Nothing interesting came to mind, so I let it be. But I smiled to myself when I saw him reach up and rub at his biceps. I pretended not to notice and limped on.
"How's your ankle?" he asked suddenly.
I glanced at him and as if to accentuate his question my ankle suddenly twinged and I nearly stumbled. "Fine until you made me remember," I answered. But for some reason I was glad that he had. I didn't tell him this.
He was silent for a moment and then looked at me hard. "You should have it looked at. If it's sprained and you walked on it all last night you might have permanently damaged it."
"You could have told me that before I carried a hundred and some pound Gook on my back for nearly ten klicks," I grumbled.
I thought I heard him make a sharp sound through his nose. "If I had would you have done anything different? Would you have left him?"
I looked away. "No, of course not."
"Then why should I have bothered?"
"Guess you shouldn't have," I answered as I shouldered open the door to the barracks. I stood there and held it for Fujimiya and then for Schu and Farf who had been lagging behind. Jei grinned at me and ruffled my hair as he passed. Schu clapped my shoulder and shook his head. Their affections seemed odd... out of place, but I was glad for them. Even after everything those two had done and all the trouble they'd caused me I couldn't bring myself to really be angry with them... not even Schuldich. He was a royal ass-hole, and I knew that. But it was something I could accept. He was an ass-hole I could live with, an ass-hole who was one of my own. I knew my place with them, and that made all the difference. Maybe that's why I never felt comfortable around Fujimiya. I could never figure out where I stood with the guy.
Reaching my bunk I pulled off my boots, changed my socks and then flopped down on my bunk and groaned, laying on my chest, face buried in my arms and pillow. I felt Ran pause as he assessed his desire to get into his bunk weighed against the pain and trouble it was going to take to get there. Momentarily I entertained the thought of offering him a piece of my bunk, but then thought better of it as I imagined the look of utter 'go-to-hell' he would probably throw my way as a reward.
Suddenly the bed sagged and it felt as if someone was straddling me, hovering over my legs. Before I could react the heels of two hands pressed firmly into the center of my back and pressed down. Hard. The pop that resounded in my ears and sent shock waves up my spine was so intense that it seemed as if my entire body shook.
"Holy shit!" I cried, my head leaping up from my arms as the hands moved lower and pressed again. Another pop, not as powerful as the first, but just as satisfying, echoed in my ears. I gritted my teeth and moaned, letting my head flop back against my arms. I sighed.
"Feels good, don't it, Nippy?" It was Jei's voice. I realized that I could smell him as he hovered over my back. For some reason I was disappointed. Had I hoped it was Fujimiya? Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. Not likely.
"Hey!" Schu called out. "Who's fuckin' door gunner are you anyway, you turn coat, son of bitch. Get your ass over here and pop my back, why don't you."
Jei chuckled and then whacked my back. "Yeah, yeah," I felt him throw his leg over my back and stand up off the bunk. He turned to Fujimiya. "Finish him off, Randy-boy. He's your pilot after all."
I chuckled into my arms. Yeah, cold day in hell. I listened and could hear Farf start popping Schuldich's back. Schu, as always was rather vocal about the whole thing. I was just about to roll over and get up when I sensed Ran move from where he'd been leaning against the wall.
"You want me to?" he asked blandly. I peered at him cautiously, lifting my head from my arms. I was so surprised by his offer that I could only stare at him, wide eyed, studying his face for some sort of ulterior motive. There was, as always, nothing. No flicker of emotion, no betrayal of thought. And yet... the offer itself should have said enough, right? Or was this just some comrade tradition that I didn't know about yet? Whatever the answer was I just lay there, looking at him. After a few moments he seemed to become agitated under my scrutiny and shifted his weight, narrowing his eyes. "Well? Yes or no?"
"Uh... er... I guess, sure," I managed and then dropped my head back onto my arms.
The bed creaked as he took up Farfarello's former position nearly sitting on the backs of my thighs. I stopped breathing. I told my body to stop overheating, but it wasn't listening to me. It was tingling, I felt bizarre. The whole situation felt bizarre. Actually that wasn't the right word at all, it was nothing like bizarre... it was more like... erotic. But that wasn't right either, that's not how this was supposed to feel, and yet, having Fujimiya so suddenly, intimately, close to me made me lightheaded. I was afraid I was going to start hyperventilating like Nagi. So I just closed my eyes.
After a moment's hesitation Fujimiya placed his hands squarely between my shoulder blades and pressed down. "Breathe out," he said. I did. He wasn't sudden and jarring like Jei. It was steady, even pressure and after a moment my spine seemed to give way with a series of tiny cracks and pops until it felt as if the whole thing crunched leaving me with no backbone. It felt wonderful. I must have sighed blissfully without meaning to because Fujimiya sniggered. "Simple minds are appeased by simple things."
"Shut up," I grumbled, and then added, "... thanks."
He snickered again, but didn't answer. I had felt his weight shift, his body moving back, pushing down between my calves. I shifted so that he could sit at the end of the bed, his back pressed against the supports at the end of the bunk with one of my feet on either side of him. He bent his knees, planting one of his feet on either side of my hips. We stayed that way for some time. I felt blissfully at peace. Thoughts of impending Crawford were chased away by the strange proximity of his body. I thought I felt one of his fingers brush against the bottom of my foot, but pushed it out of my mind as either illusion or wishful thinking, which one I couldn't quite work out. But then all of a sudden it wasn't just one finger, it was four fingers... the whole hand... both hands... reaching for my ankle?! Grabbing, lifting, twisting one way then the other, and then pulling, as hard as he could. It all happened so fast that was over and I was screaming like a girl again before I even really knew what was going on. My ankle crunched and then gave a glorified snapping sound, a shiver of pain shooting up my leg. He hit the bottom of my heel with the flat of my hand and oddly enough my foot made the most delicate of popping noises and went completely limp.
He dropped my foot back onto the bed. "Just as I thought. Not sprained, just popped out of place. You can thank me later." With that he lifted his leg over me and got up, walking away, his feet scratching along the barracks floor. I gripped my pillow and swallowed my tears of pain.
"Oh... shit..." was all I managed to squeak out through my gritted teeth. If that was one of Fujimiya's favors, I didn't ever want to get on his bad side. I lay still for a few more moments and felt warm breath that was just slightly reminiscent of whiskey brush against my arm. I lifted my head to see the grinning face of Max leaning close to me. He was hunkered down by my bunk, grinning like an idiot.
"Awww, wasn't that sweet? And he didn't even ask you to return the favor," he sniggered and then winked at me. "Better get up and get your boots on. Crawford wants to see us again."
I narrowed my eyes and grumbled, "Yeah, I know."
As the three of us made our way into Crawford's office I was pushed in first. It was thusly that I noticed Fujimiya was already there and caught the last few words that he passed with Youji in the corner.
"No, Ran, I told you, there's no excuse for this," Kudou hissed darkly.
"Youji listen..."
"No, you listen, Ran. You fucked up. You all fucked up, I can't get you out of that. Now sit your ass down and take it like a man, or have you forgotten how?" the Lieutenant growled.
Ran stiffened and drew himself up before the commander, swallowing the poisonous words I could see forming on his lips and then turned away, sitting in one of the foldout chairs that had been brought in.
Jei shoved me from behind, and I stumbled forward awkwardly. Silently I wondered at the lack of pain I now felt in my ankle. I scuttled into the seat beside Ran and sat there staring into nothing. Crawford always made me nervous. He was like some volcano waiting to erupt... ballistic is the word that came to mind.
Crawford took his time getting himself ready. He sat forward, sat back again, folded his arms, shuffled some papers around, adjusted his glasses, readjusted them and then finally sat forward again, folding his arms on the desk.
"Why do I have a prepubescent Gook rice farmer in my infirmary?" he asked in a deceptively calm voice.
We shifted nervously, all of us but Fujimiya. Schuldich and Farfarello exchanged glances with each other and then with me. No one could think of anything to say.
"Well? Somebody better think of something to say or else I am going to start throwing things."
I cleared my throat.
"Yes, Mr. Hidaka, why don't you go ahead and tell us all about it? You were the one who brought the little bitch in," Crawford snapped.
I paled, swallowing hard. All three heads snapped towards me, I could see how Schu and Farf were grinning and Fujimiya looked strangely worried.
"Uh..."
"Yes?!"
"Well, sir, it was something like this. We were driving back from... er... Sang Cho-na... and... the Gook rice farmer in question-"
"This isn't a damn court room, Hidaka, just tell me the fucking story," Crawford spat.
"Sir! He was in the road, sir. We swerved so as not to hit him, sir. We lost control-"
"Who is we?"
"Sir...?"
"Who was driving the Jeep, private?"
"Er... Schuldich, sir... but we all had our hands on the wheel. all but Farfarello, that is, sir."
"So... you were -all- driving the car?"
"Um. kind of, sir."
Crawford sat back and sighed, massaging his temples. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again, waving his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Continue, private."
"We swerved sir, and ran off the road. Schuldich and Farfarello went back to where the Vietnamese boy was, confiscated his gun, and shot him."
"He's a fucking VC agent!" Schuldich broke in. "Farmer boys don't carry semi automatic rifles on the road to an army base."
"Wolff," Crawford answered, jabbing his finger towards Max in a lazy manner, "We'll talk about why you shot him later. For now, I want to hear the rest of the story. Continue, Hidaka."
"Well.,." I looked at Schu and Farf from the corner of my eye before going on. "Schuldich and Farfarello proceeded to bind the boy's hands and march him down the road with us, not having treated his wound. At this point I was carrying Private Tsukiyono on my back; his injury had rendered him mostly immobile."
"Mostly?"
"Er... yes sir. Eventually the boy collapsed and I took it upon myself to treat his wound and bring him back to camp. I wasn't sure he was going to make it since he'd lost so much blood, but he did. I carried him sir."
"Him and Private Tsukiyono?"
"Er... no, sir. Fujimiya carried Tsukiyono after the Vietnamese boy's collapse," I answered.
Crawford raised an eyebrow and swiveled his head around to stare at Fujimiya. "Really? You aren't known for you acts of charity, Fujimiya. But if Hidaka says that's the way it was I'll believe him." He then sat back and took a deep breath, taking off his glasses and rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He squinched up his eyes and then put his glasses back on. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and then exhaled sharply. "So let me get the whole story straight. The five of you steal my Jeep, steal the keys to the front gate, leaving it unlocked, and drive to Sang Cho-na where you proceed to debauch yourselves before driving back to base. On the way you almost hit a Vietnamese villager, swerve, crash my stolen Jeep, and then Schuldich and Farfarello in their drunken stupor maim the civilian, and steal his gun. Meanwhile private Tsukiyono, barely released from the infirmary and not even a member of any platoon stationed at this base, succumbs to his shrapnel wounds and most likely his lack of morphine and is rendered immobile. At which point Hidaka starts to carry the little shit only to later hand him over to Fujimiya so that he can carry the nearly unconscious, possible VC agent, in his stead. Both end up in my infirmary in the wee hours of the morning. Beautiful, boys. Just fucking beautiful. This one is going in the record book." He stared at us for a few moments and then began to rummage in his desk drawer.
The pack of cigarettes was crumpled and rather abused looking. I remember noticing that Crawford's hands shook ever so slightly as he struggled to produce a smoke. He brought it to his lips and let it dangle there for a moment before going back to rummaging.
"Hey, Kudou, you got a light?" he asked absently.
Kudou had detached himself from the wall where he was standing. "I thought you were trying to quit."
"Shut the fuck up and give me the light," Crawford grumbled. "I don't need this shit."
Kudou grinned slyly and walked around to Crawford, holding the lighter beneath his cigarette. When he was done he went to sit against the end of the desk, arms crossed, staring out the streaky window. I wondered what he was thinking about.
Crawford took a couple long drags and then looked at each of us in turn before continuing. "Well, boys, I just don't know what to say. You have handed me a rather sticky predicament. If Schu is right and that boy really is a VC agent, because it is entirely possible that that is the case, then I have a really big fucking problem on my hands. He's been inside our base, will have knowledge of our facilities and the layout, etc. I can't turn him away from medical attention (hell it's too late for that), seeing as he's been wounded by my own men, but then again if he turns out VC I could be court marshaled for aiding and abetting the enemy. If he turns out to be just another damn Gook farmer boy, then I've got another fucking problem to deal with. The Vietnamese government isn't going to be very happy with me and thusly the army over an incident like this. Sure just one kid might seem inconsequential, but you get the villagers pissed at us and nothings going to go right. The way I look at it I'm fucked either way," here he paused and put his head in his hands. I could see the weight of the war that he carried on his shoulders. I could see all the exhaustion and weariness in his character. When he looked up his eyes were bland and uninterested. "Why the hell am I telling you this? There's nothing you little shit for brains can do about it anyway. Get the hell outta here."
He waved his hand in dismissal. We all stood immediately and began to file towards the door.
"Let me know what you decide to do with them, Kudou," Crawford sighed.
"Roger roger."
* * * * * *
I don't know why I let myself drift off like that. It really isn't like me. My hand rests limply on my chest and the haunted eyes of Nagi, the Vietnamese boy, still burn before me. It's hard to think that all of that is behind me. It was all so. there. so hard and real. Nothing is real anymore. This floor, my dog, my job, my house. all lies. Nothing's real anymore, nothing but Nam. Maybe that's why I keep taking myself back there in my mind, reaching out for something solid that I can touch and understand. If only things had turned out differently. If only I knew. Hindsight it 20/20 they say.
I sit up abruptly as I hear the door to the back room snap open. I begin to push myself off the floor as I hear Mary call out to me.
"Kenny? Where are you, hon?" Her voice is clear and resonating. Maybe Mary is real. One of the only things.
I feel my brain tilt around in my head and for a moment my vision goes blank as I stand up completely. It passes, but I wonder if I shouldn't have taken a different pill this morning. Maybe I should get all of my prescriptions renewed... I notice absently that there is a ruddy stain on my shirt where my hand had been resting.
"Oh, there you are, Ken," Mary says as she walks towards me. She smiles, but it fades just slightly as she comes closer. "Are you feeling alright? You look... disoriented. What's that on your shirt?"
I shake my head. "Hm? Oh, nothing, I slipped and cut myself with the box cutter. Guess I got it on myself."
"Did you bleed a lot? Are you feeling light headed?"
"Mare, I'm fine," I say, grinning a little.
She puts her hands on her hips. "You boys, you think you're made of steel. Flesh rips, you too can bleed, Kenny. Bodies are far from indestructible, they break, you know?"
My grin fades. I think of the kid. In my arms, bleeding in my arms, broken. ripped. "I know, Mary. I know."
"Oh, Ken, I'm sorry. I didn't mean t-" she says hurriedly, stepping closer.
I nod. "I know, Mare."
She brushe at the hair in my eyes again in that motherly fashion and then steps away, sighing heavily. "Well, go clean yourself up. There's a first aid kit in the employee washroom. When you're done you can man one of the registers."
I nod. "Sure thing, Mary."
She smiles and then turns to walk away. "Such a good, kid," I hear her mumble.
In the washroom the sterile smell of the first aid kit, fresh gauze mingling with antiseptic cream, fills my head. It makes me think of the infirmary... gauze and disinfectant. All those pretty bottles, all those needles, all those broken lives.
Before I know it I'm sitting on the toilet, head in hands, struggling to finish what I started this morning. Oh, god, but the story is so long... and I've never much liked the ending.
* * * * * *
When all was said and done our punishments weren't nearly as bad as they could have been. In fact if it wasn't for the way things turned out my life would have been completely different. whether that is a bad thing or a good thing I can't really say. Right around now my feelings about the whole thing get terribly jumbled. I think you'll see why, or maybe not. I may simply have been crazy from the beginning.
Crawford never told us exactly what happened to the Vietnamese kid, and we weren't going to push our luck and bring it up. It wouldn't be for a few weeks yet that I would learn that he had been treated, and after a short interrogation had been returned him to the village and the people he claimed as his family. The army could not find any probable reason to detain him at the camp. Thus, as the days worn on, I was convinced I would never see the kid again. How I wish that was true.
As punishment Schu and Farf had been grounded from active duty. Stripped of their wings for the time being they were practically demoted to maintenance crew. This was probably the worst possible punishment that Sculdich could have received. He swore and walked around base in a black cloud for almost a week until I pointed out that things weren't really as bad as they seemed. It was monsoon season coming up, and even I knew that we would hardly be active at all during those months anyway. Schu and Farfarello weren't going to be missing any action, all they would be missing were the hum drum supply runs and the freak out emergency med-lifts that took years off your life. I had a sneaky suspicion that Youji knew all this too, and that both would be back on active duty by the time the war was moving again.
At first it seemed as if Kudou didn't have any other punishment in mind for Fujimiya and myself than the weekly scrubbing of the heads we were obliged to perform with the other two. When pressed about his intentions he would skirt around the issue or suddenly 'remember some paperwork.' So we were caught off guard a few weeks later when he called us both into the officer's quarters.
He was grinning at us wolfishly when we entered, a dangerous gleam that I didn't appreciate in his piercing green eyes. He said nothing, just sat there grinning, a cigarette dangling form him lips, and then motioned wordlessly to the chairs before him.
I hesitated and made to look at Fujimiya, but he was already brushing past me, sitting down. Ever since the fiasco day he was as distant and self absorbed as he had been when we first met. I had thought that maybe things were getting better, that he and I were starting to understand each other, but there was no evidence of that now. He hardly said two words to me in one sitting. I couldn't figure the guy out and it was driving me crazy. it hurt too. I don't know what I had thought, or had been hoping, but they didn't fit in anywhere now.
"I got your punishment cleared," Kudou said languidly. "Sorry it took so long, but I had to have you two cleared through the board first."
I didn't like the sound of that. I think it showed. Kudou laughed softly. "Don't look so shocked, Hidaka, it's not what you think."
Funny thing was I didn't know -what- I was thinking.
"We received a notice from the upper up or whatever right before you boys took it upon yourselves to go joyriding. The army is looking for 'volunteers' from bases near 'semi-urban' areas to teach English to the local Gooks during the monsoon season, if not longer. So I thought to myself, 'Volunteer, shmolumteer, this would be the -perfect- punishment for you two'. I had to have it cleared before I could go ahead and give you your new assignment, but everything is in order now so shall I begin?" his voice was sticky sweet and I could tell he was enjoying this more than he should have been. I think that if he had been given any incentive to cackle he would have.
Fujimiya stood up from his seat, slamming both of his palms down onto Youji's desk. "What kind of crap is this, Kudou? I don't have time to be teaching Gooks their fuckin' ABCs!"
Youji stood up to meet him and leaned forward, jabbing him in the chest with a finger. "You have time to do whatever the fuck I tell you to, private," he let the last word draw itself out slowly as he stared Fujimiya down.
Fujimiya made a low growling sound and sat down stiffly beside me. Glancing at him I could see the anger blazing in his deep dark eyes, but I didn't want to look too deep, so after a moment I looked away again.
I tried to think of something to say, but couldn't, so I stayed silent.
"Look, this isn't that bad of a deal, ok? The worst part is that, heaven forbid, you two are going to have to spend some quality time together. Ran, you might be forced to stop being an ass hole and put some energy into giving a damn. I know it's hard, but try, ok? For me? Yeah. Anyway starting in two weeks every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday you will be taken into Sang Cho-na by a transport where you will teach English to whoever wants to learn English in some house down by the river. Class will be four hours long, and no, Ran cause I can see the question forming on your lips, you cannot alternate weeks or days or anything you have to go and be there -together- every single fucking day the class is held. At the first convenient point in the day after class the transport will pick you up again. This might mean right after class, it might mean ten PM, it's whenever we feel like coming and getting you," Kudou said, leaning back in his chair, taking a drag on his cigarette.
"What kind of bullshit is this?" Ran demanded.
"Look, Fujimiya, you didn't seem to mind going to Sang Cho-na a few weeks ago, so I don't have any sympathy for you. You two will just have to find ways to amuse yourselves. The base has more important things to waste duty time on that picking up a couple of bored school teachers, capish?"
"Capish," I'd said quietly without really meaning to.
Kudou swiveled his head to look at me. "See, there you go. Hidaka understands the gravity of the situation. Suck it up, Fujimiya."
I thought Fujimiya threw me a withering glance, but I couldn't be sure. I was still trying to work out how I was going to go about trying to teach people with whom I couldn't communicate.
As if to solve my problem Kudou spoke up again. "In a couple days you two are going to fly down to the transport way station down the river to pick up some touchy-feeling 'instructional educators' sent up from wherever it is they keep those people while we're out here getting killed. They will give you a crash course in how to be efficient teachers and then leave. I think they are bringing some field journalist with them, so be prepared to smile for the cameras."
Ran groaned and rolled his eyes. "This is bullshit, Kudou."
"Maybe, but it will keep you out of trouble. And your pilot from getting killed, so there's an upside for everybody."
I noticed that Ran twitched and narrowed his eyes. He was making a concerted effort not to look at me. I didn't really care, I just wanted to get out of there and find Omi. He'd been oddly distant and quiet since the whole episode. I wondered how much he remembered about it. Sometimes I thought about the kiss he'd given me, his soft words, and the reassuring weight of his body against my back. Nam was getting way more fucked up for me than I ever thought it would, and that was saying something. I thought I'd left fucked up behind me. Maybe that kind of shit follows you around. Looking at everything now I think it must.
"If that's it can we leave, sir?" I asked abruptly.
Kudou looked at me and shrugged. "Sure if you want, but if you have a second I'd like to talk with you alone for a moment."
I looked sidelong at Fujimiya as he rose silently saluted, which coming from him was more of an insult to Kudou than anything else, and then walked stiffly from the room. When we were alone Kudou got up, walked around the side of his desk, and stood before me, leaning against the lip of the desk top. We stared at each other for a few moments before Kudou spoke his mind.
"How are things going for you, Hidaka? I haven't had a chance to really talk to you since your first day. You had it kinda tough for a bit, if I remember correctly."
I looked up to meet his eyes and shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, at first maybe, but I got over it. I'm here to do my job, that's what I'll do."
He nodded and smiled. "Yeah, it's just a job in the end isn't it? I try to keep telling myself that, but... Ach, anyway. You seem to have gotten pretty close to that Tsukiyono kid. That's good. He'll be out of here soon, I think. Although he may have to stay through the monsoon season, something is holding his papers up. Anyway, it's good to let people in, even here. I try to tell Ran that, but... well you know the story there."
More than you know, I do, I thought. I just nodded.
"So... how are things between you and Fujimiya? I was kinda hoping that he'd lighten up, you seemed concerned before."
I was beginning to wonder where this conversation was going. I shrugged. "Things are fine. There's no antagonism, but I wouldn't say we're close really. We do our thing, I can't expect more than that."
He nodded slowly, the light catching in his long, wavy hair and then he looked up. "You haven't picked up any of your mail," he blurted out. "Is there a reason you don't go to pick it up?"
I raised my eyebrows. Where the hell did that come from? I didn't even know I had any mail. "I wasn't aware that I had mail, sir. I didn't expect anyone to be sending me anything." My heart beat a little faster. I wondered if it was from my family... my mother, Kase, Yuriko... who? When I left home I thought it was pretty clear between all of us that nothing was expected anymore. We'd cut the ties. I was going to go and be and do what I wanted to, what I had to, and they were going to hold me in contempt for that. That was fine. I'd made my peace.
"Why is that?"
I paused. "I just didn't. I told you... things aren't exactly right with my family and me."
"Well, it isn't healthy to let your mail just sit there. Go down to the mail room and pick up your shit. And do me a favor," he said, leveling his eyes with mine.
"What's that?"
"Read it."
I smiled sadly and saluted. "I'll do my best, sir."
"Dismissed, private."
I got up from my seat and walked slowly from the office. I felt heavy and sad. I didn't want to see what was waiting for me, I didn't think I could take it. I'd left it all behind me on purpose. Why was it catching up with me now? I was in such and introspective funk that as I pushed my way out of the officer's quarters I didn't see Ran until he reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. I was so startled that I actually jumped. I hadn't expected him to be waiting for me, it was the last thing I'd even considered.
"What was that about?"
My mouth opened slowly, and I took a deep breath. "I have mail," is what ended up coming out.
I turned from him slowly but didn't move away. I just stood there for a few moments, his hand resting on my shoulder. He didn't pull it away either, I was glad. I didn't want him to.
"What? Hidaka, are you ok?" he asked shortly.
I snorted through my nose and then took a few steps away, feeling his hand slide off of my body. "Sure. I've gotta get down to the mail room. Later, Ran."
He didn't call after me or comment on my use of his first name he just stood there. I could feel his eyes on my back until I rounded a far corner and disappeared from his view into the maze of makeshift buildings.
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Afterthoughts: Bwahahaha! Now I gotta go 'study'. yeah, suuuure. Anyway. Don't forget to REVIEW!! *points at review button thing* Do it now! Go, now!! Stay tuned. Hopefully I will get another chapter done at some point in the next few weeks. *sweatdrops*
Comments: Oh my God! This took so long to get up, ne? Well, like I said I'm at college now and I don't have oodles of free time anymore. That and my new friends are all like *glomp* 'let's hang out in Starr's room for five hours!' And then I have to march my ass to the top of the damn hill and up four flights of stairs where I promptly pass out until two AM. Yeah, man I'd forgotten how taxing social interaction can be! Well, such is life, ne? Anyway I hope you like this. I kept trying to get it done and getting interrupted and all that. But it is done now! Yeah! Man I am so hungry... I should have gone to dinner. Oh well, the snack place is still open, whee hoo, go college! Mmm... mountain dew *guzzles*. Whaaa haaa caffeine! Well, later all you all. Oh, and I have AIM now I'm 'Alaskan Otaku' *points at bio thing*. Please feel free to say hi to me online some time! I love talking to people online. *hugs Lilas and VulHashiba and Makoto and Fei* Love you guys!
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Words ran together, squelching, melding, rising and falling like some inane tide. I could no longer feel my arms. I hadn't been able to feel my arms for hours. First I had to carry the kids, now this.
When we had returned to base in the twilight hour just before dawn we had no choice but to take Nagi to the infirmary, even knowing that doing so meant signing our own death warrants with the commanders. The life of the young man Schuldich had injured depended on us taking responsibility for our actions. Omi wasn't doing all that hot either. Internal bleeding came to mind. We took them to the infirmary, knowing the night shift nurses would be there, winding down, readying to go back to their barracks. Suffice to say they were not pleased to see us. There was much confusion over the circumstances of their new patient, but I wasn't having any of it. Pushed beyond my limits mentally and physically I'd nearly had a psychopathic fit, words leaving my mouth that I'd never even known I knew. My tirade shut them up and got Nagi on his way to surgery.
Ran and I limped lamely back to our barracks hoping to God we could at least get an hour's worth of sleep in before the full force of the fiasco was reported to Crawford. Just this once our prayers were blissfully answered. It wasn't until almost and hour and a half later that Youji came storming through the barracks, halfway dressed and hauled our sorry asses, Farf and Schu's included, back out into the Vietnam morning and then straight to the officer's quarters. We were lined up at attention. Crawford, also only partially in uniform, glared at us over the rim of his military issue, wire rimed glasses. His eye twitched nervously and then he stood. Much yelling ensued.
The yelling continued until each of us had had our own personal bout of verbal abuse. I can still remember the way Lieutenant Commander Crawford's spit felt as it hit my face. When Crawford felt he was done he collapsed into his chair to fume and tick to his heart's content. Then it was Kudou's turn to yell. But that was not going to be enough for the Lieutenant, oh no. We were his direct responsibility. We had not only shamed and disgraced ourselves, but him and our entire company as well. He made this very clear. It was his job to find 'suitable punishment' for all of us. For the time being, marching us onto the field and making us hold full buckets of water at arm's length seemed to be sufficient.
It was as he continued to berate, belittle, and generally abuse us to no ends, much to the amusement of the rest of the base, that I realized I could not feel my arms. And that his words no longer made any sense. He could have been telling us about the first time he finger banged a girl back on the farm and I wouldn't have known the difference.
Moments passed. We stood still as statues, unmoving, frozen, taking the beating we knew we deserved. Out of the corners of my eyes I could see Fujimiya and Schuldich as they stood, staring blankly ahead. I kept thanking God that Omi didn't have to go through this. I wondered then where he was, and would learn only later that Crawford had designated him a 'victim of idiocy' and sent him back to the infirmary with a slap on the hand.
When it seemed that I could not stand there a second longer without losing my mind, Youji suddenly ran out of steam. He stopped talking and simply folded his long legs, sitting down on the grass in front of us, head in hands.
After a pause a hairsbreadth long he groaned in frustration, "Drop your fucking buckets."
We didn't hesitate to comply. "Sit for God's sake... at ease, men."
We sat, each of us giving an audible groan of relief. Schuldich lay flat on his back, arms still out at his sides as if he couldn't bring them in any longer. His hair stuck out around his head like a perverse mane. "Fuckin'-ay, Kudou, that was harsh," he moaned.
Kudou snapped his head up. "Shut up, Schuldich. It wasn't nearly harsh enough not for the shit you pulled last night. I'm a far way from through with you. I still have to come up with your real punishments, but I'll tell you this much: you and Jei aren't going to be seeing Sang Cho-na for a long time," he spat, running a hand through his long hair. His eyes looked weary and to me it seemed as if he was as exhausted as we were. Youji was not a man who enjoyed being in charge of others. He took leadership too seriously and it wore him very thin. He loved every man who served with him and felt towards us a kinship, a caring even... like an older brother at times even a father. With Youji, the saying 'this hurts me more than it hurts you,' was true. He hated having to be harsh with his men, and was both angry and disappointed in us for putting him in that position.
He hung his head again. When he finally raised it his eyes darted back and forth between Ran and myself. "And as for you two... well, I've got plans for you two. Seeing as this is your first major infraction, and knowing how these two probably coerced you into your idiocy I'm not going to ground you. But don't get smug. I've got something that'll do quite nicely for you boys. And I hope you -all- appreciate the fact that you are going to be getting to know the heads real well. The four of you will be on your hands and knees scrubbing shit out of porcelain for the rest of your lives if I have anything to do with it. Now get your asses out of here and get cleaned up. Crawford wants to question you in twenty minutes," he sighed. "What the fuck were you thinking?" he murmured under his breath. It seemed to me that he cast Fujimiya an especially meaningful glance before he got to his feet and trudged back towards the officer's quarters.
We all stood and began to walk towards the barracks, Kudou heading away from us. When I was sure he was out of earshot I groaned. "Shit I can't feel my arms!"
"Shut up, Hidaka," Fujimiya grumbled.
I glared at him, but didn't say anything. Nothing interesting came to mind, so I let it be. But I smiled to myself when I saw him reach up and rub at his biceps. I pretended not to notice and limped on.
"How's your ankle?" he asked suddenly.
I glanced at him and as if to accentuate his question my ankle suddenly twinged and I nearly stumbled. "Fine until you made me remember," I answered. But for some reason I was glad that he had. I didn't tell him this.
He was silent for a moment and then looked at me hard. "You should have it looked at. If it's sprained and you walked on it all last night you might have permanently damaged it."
"You could have told me that before I carried a hundred and some pound Gook on my back for nearly ten klicks," I grumbled.
I thought I heard him make a sharp sound through his nose. "If I had would you have done anything different? Would you have left him?"
I looked away. "No, of course not."
"Then why should I have bothered?"
"Guess you shouldn't have," I answered as I shouldered open the door to the barracks. I stood there and held it for Fujimiya and then for Schu and Farf who had been lagging behind. Jei grinned at me and ruffled my hair as he passed. Schu clapped my shoulder and shook his head. Their affections seemed odd... out of place, but I was glad for them. Even after everything those two had done and all the trouble they'd caused me I couldn't bring myself to really be angry with them... not even Schuldich. He was a royal ass-hole, and I knew that. But it was something I could accept. He was an ass-hole I could live with, an ass-hole who was one of my own. I knew my place with them, and that made all the difference. Maybe that's why I never felt comfortable around Fujimiya. I could never figure out where I stood with the guy.
Reaching my bunk I pulled off my boots, changed my socks and then flopped down on my bunk and groaned, laying on my chest, face buried in my arms and pillow. I felt Ran pause as he assessed his desire to get into his bunk weighed against the pain and trouble it was going to take to get there. Momentarily I entertained the thought of offering him a piece of my bunk, but then thought better of it as I imagined the look of utter 'go-to-hell' he would probably throw my way as a reward.
Suddenly the bed sagged and it felt as if someone was straddling me, hovering over my legs. Before I could react the heels of two hands pressed firmly into the center of my back and pressed down. Hard. The pop that resounded in my ears and sent shock waves up my spine was so intense that it seemed as if my entire body shook.
"Holy shit!" I cried, my head leaping up from my arms as the hands moved lower and pressed again. Another pop, not as powerful as the first, but just as satisfying, echoed in my ears. I gritted my teeth and moaned, letting my head flop back against my arms. I sighed.
"Feels good, don't it, Nippy?" It was Jei's voice. I realized that I could smell him as he hovered over my back. For some reason I was disappointed. Had I hoped it was Fujimiya? Yeah, like that was ever going to happen. Not likely.
"Hey!" Schu called out. "Who's fuckin' door gunner are you anyway, you turn coat, son of bitch. Get your ass over here and pop my back, why don't you."
Jei chuckled and then whacked my back. "Yeah, yeah," I felt him throw his leg over my back and stand up off the bunk. He turned to Fujimiya. "Finish him off, Randy-boy. He's your pilot after all."
I chuckled into my arms. Yeah, cold day in hell. I listened and could hear Farf start popping Schuldich's back. Schu, as always was rather vocal about the whole thing. I was just about to roll over and get up when I sensed Ran move from where he'd been leaning against the wall.
"You want me to?" he asked blandly. I peered at him cautiously, lifting my head from my arms. I was so surprised by his offer that I could only stare at him, wide eyed, studying his face for some sort of ulterior motive. There was, as always, nothing. No flicker of emotion, no betrayal of thought. And yet... the offer itself should have said enough, right? Or was this just some comrade tradition that I didn't know about yet? Whatever the answer was I just lay there, looking at him. After a few moments he seemed to become agitated under my scrutiny and shifted his weight, narrowing his eyes. "Well? Yes or no?"
"Uh... er... I guess, sure," I managed and then dropped my head back onto my arms.
The bed creaked as he took up Farfarello's former position nearly sitting on the backs of my thighs. I stopped breathing. I told my body to stop overheating, but it wasn't listening to me. It was tingling, I felt bizarre. The whole situation felt bizarre. Actually that wasn't the right word at all, it was nothing like bizarre... it was more like... erotic. But that wasn't right either, that's not how this was supposed to feel, and yet, having Fujimiya so suddenly, intimately, close to me made me lightheaded. I was afraid I was going to start hyperventilating like Nagi. So I just closed my eyes.
After a moment's hesitation Fujimiya placed his hands squarely between my shoulder blades and pressed down. "Breathe out," he said. I did. He wasn't sudden and jarring like Jei. It was steady, even pressure and after a moment my spine seemed to give way with a series of tiny cracks and pops until it felt as if the whole thing crunched leaving me with no backbone. It felt wonderful. I must have sighed blissfully without meaning to because Fujimiya sniggered. "Simple minds are appeased by simple things."
"Shut up," I grumbled, and then added, "... thanks."
He snickered again, but didn't answer. I had felt his weight shift, his body moving back, pushing down between my calves. I shifted so that he could sit at the end of the bed, his back pressed against the supports at the end of the bunk with one of my feet on either side of him. He bent his knees, planting one of his feet on either side of my hips. We stayed that way for some time. I felt blissfully at peace. Thoughts of impending Crawford were chased away by the strange proximity of his body. I thought I felt one of his fingers brush against the bottom of my foot, but pushed it out of my mind as either illusion or wishful thinking, which one I couldn't quite work out. But then all of a sudden it wasn't just one finger, it was four fingers... the whole hand... both hands... reaching for my ankle?! Grabbing, lifting, twisting one way then the other, and then pulling, as hard as he could. It all happened so fast that was over and I was screaming like a girl again before I even really knew what was going on. My ankle crunched and then gave a glorified snapping sound, a shiver of pain shooting up my leg. He hit the bottom of my heel with the flat of my hand and oddly enough my foot made the most delicate of popping noises and went completely limp.
He dropped my foot back onto the bed. "Just as I thought. Not sprained, just popped out of place. You can thank me later." With that he lifted his leg over me and got up, walking away, his feet scratching along the barracks floor. I gripped my pillow and swallowed my tears of pain.
"Oh... shit..." was all I managed to squeak out through my gritted teeth. If that was one of Fujimiya's favors, I didn't ever want to get on his bad side. I lay still for a few more moments and felt warm breath that was just slightly reminiscent of whiskey brush against my arm. I lifted my head to see the grinning face of Max leaning close to me. He was hunkered down by my bunk, grinning like an idiot.
"Awww, wasn't that sweet? And he didn't even ask you to return the favor," he sniggered and then winked at me. "Better get up and get your boots on. Crawford wants to see us again."
I narrowed my eyes and grumbled, "Yeah, I know."
As the three of us made our way into Crawford's office I was pushed in first. It was thusly that I noticed Fujimiya was already there and caught the last few words that he passed with Youji in the corner.
"No, Ran, I told you, there's no excuse for this," Kudou hissed darkly.
"Youji listen..."
"No, you listen, Ran. You fucked up. You all fucked up, I can't get you out of that. Now sit your ass down and take it like a man, or have you forgotten how?" the Lieutenant growled.
Ran stiffened and drew himself up before the commander, swallowing the poisonous words I could see forming on his lips and then turned away, sitting in one of the foldout chairs that had been brought in.
Jei shoved me from behind, and I stumbled forward awkwardly. Silently I wondered at the lack of pain I now felt in my ankle. I scuttled into the seat beside Ran and sat there staring into nothing. Crawford always made me nervous. He was like some volcano waiting to erupt... ballistic is the word that came to mind.
Crawford took his time getting himself ready. He sat forward, sat back again, folded his arms, shuffled some papers around, adjusted his glasses, readjusted them and then finally sat forward again, folding his arms on the desk.
"Why do I have a prepubescent Gook rice farmer in my infirmary?" he asked in a deceptively calm voice.
We shifted nervously, all of us but Fujimiya. Schuldich and Farfarello exchanged glances with each other and then with me. No one could think of anything to say.
"Well? Somebody better think of something to say or else I am going to start throwing things."
I cleared my throat.
"Yes, Mr. Hidaka, why don't you go ahead and tell us all about it? You were the one who brought the little bitch in," Crawford snapped.
I paled, swallowing hard. All three heads snapped towards me, I could see how Schu and Farf were grinning and Fujimiya looked strangely worried.
"Uh..."
"Yes?!"
"Well, sir, it was something like this. We were driving back from... er... Sang Cho-na... and... the Gook rice farmer in question-"
"This isn't a damn court room, Hidaka, just tell me the fucking story," Crawford spat.
"Sir! He was in the road, sir. We swerved so as not to hit him, sir. We lost control-"
"Who is we?"
"Sir...?"
"Who was driving the Jeep, private?"
"Er... Schuldich, sir... but we all had our hands on the wheel. all but Farfarello, that is, sir."
"So... you were -all- driving the car?"
"Um. kind of, sir."
Crawford sat back and sighed, massaging his temples. He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it again, waving his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Continue, private."
"We swerved sir, and ran off the road. Schuldich and Farfarello went back to where the Vietnamese boy was, confiscated his gun, and shot him."
"He's a fucking VC agent!" Schuldich broke in. "Farmer boys don't carry semi automatic rifles on the road to an army base."
"Wolff," Crawford answered, jabbing his finger towards Max in a lazy manner, "We'll talk about why you shot him later. For now, I want to hear the rest of the story. Continue, Hidaka."
"Well.,." I looked at Schu and Farf from the corner of my eye before going on. "Schuldich and Farfarello proceeded to bind the boy's hands and march him down the road with us, not having treated his wound. At this point I was carrying Private Tsukiyono on my back; his injury had rendered him mostly immobile."
"Mostly?"
"Er... yes sir. Eventually the boy collapsed and I took it upon myself to treat his wound and bring him back to camp. I wasn't sure he was going to make it since he'd lost so much blood, but he did. I carried him sir."
"Him and Private Tsukiyono?"
"Er... no, sir. Fujimiya carried Tsukiyono after the Vietnamese boy's collapse," I answered.
Crawford raised an eyebrow and swiveled his head around to stare at Fujimiya. "Really? You aren't known for you acts of charity, Fujimiya. But if Hidaka says that's the way it was I'll believe him." He then sat back and took a deep breath, taking off his glasses and rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He squinched up his eyes and then put his glasses back on. He stared at the ceiling for a moment and then exhaled sharply. "So let me get the whole story straight. The five of you steal my Jeep, steal the keys to the front gate, leaving it unlocked, and drive to Sang Cho-na where you proceed to debauch yourselves before driving back to base. On the way you almost hit a Vietnamese villager, swerve, crash my stolen Jeep, and then Schuldich and Farfarello in their drunken stupor maim the civilian, and steal his gun. Meanwhile private Tsukiyono, barely released from the infirmary and not even a member of any platoon stationed at this base, succumbs to his shrapnel wounds and most likely his lack of morphine and is rendered immobile. At which point Hidaka starts to carry the little shit only to later hand him over to Fujimiya so that he can carry the nearly unconscious, possible VC agent, in his stead. Both end up in my infirmary in the wee hours of the morning. Beautiful, boys. Just fucking beautiful. This one is going in the record book." He stared at us for a few moments and then began to rummage in his desk drawer.
The pack of cigarettes was crumpled and rather abused looking. I remember noticing that Crawford's hands shook ever so slightly as he struggled to produce a smoke. He brought it to his lips and let it dangle there for a moment before going back to rummaging.
"Hey, Kudou, you got a light?" he asked absently.
Kudou had detached himself from the wall where he was standing. "I thought you were trying to quit."
"Shut the fuck up and give me the light," Crawford grumbled. "I don't need this shit."
Kudou grinned slyly and walked around to Crawford, holding the lighter beneath his cigarette. When he was done he went to sit against the end of the desk, arms crossed, staring out the streaky window. I wondered what he was thinking about.
Crawford took a couple long drags and then looked at each of us in turn before continuing. "Well, boys, I just don't know what to say. You have handed me a rather sticky predicament. If Schu is right and that boy really is a VC agent, because it is entirely possible that that is the case, then I have a really big fucking problem on my hands. He's been inside our base, will have knowledge of our facilities and the layout, etc. I can't turn him away from medical attention (hell it's too late for that), seeing as he's been wounded by my own men, but then again if he turns out VC I could be court marshaled for aiding and abetting the enemy. If he turns out to be just another damn Gook farmer boy, then I've got another fucking problem to deal with. The Vietnamese government isn't going to be very happy with me and thusly the army over an incident like this. Sure just one kid might seem inconsequential, but you get the villagers pissed at us and nothings going to go right. The way I look at it I'm fucked either way," here he paused and put his head in his hands. I could see the weight of the war that he carried on his shoulders. I could see all the exhaustion and weariness in his character. When he looked up his eyes were bland and uninterested. "Why the hell am I telling you this? There's nothing you little shit for brains can do about it anyway. Get the hell outta here."
He waved his hand in dismissal. We all stood immediately and began to file towards the door.
"Let me know what you decide to do with them, Kudou," Crawford sighed.
"Roger roger."
* * * * * *
I don't know why I let myself drift off like that. It really isn't like me. My hand rests limply on my chest and the haunted eyes of Nagi, the Vietnamese boy, still burn before me. It's hard to think that all of that is behind me. It was all so. there. so hard and real. Nothing is real anymore. This floor, my dog, my job, my house. all lies. Nothing's real anymore, nothing but Nam. Maybe that's why I keep taking myself back there in my mind, reaching out for something solid that I can touch and understand. If only things had turned out differently. If only I knew. Hindsight it 20/20 they say.
I sit up abruptly as I hear the door to the back room snap open. I begin to push myself off the floor as I hear Mary call out to me.
"Kenny? Where are you, hon?" Her voice is clear and resonating. Maybe Mary is real. One of the only things.
I feel my brain tilt around in my head and for a moment my vision goes blank as I stand up completely. It passes, but I wonder if I shouldn't have taken a different pill this morning. Maybe I should get all of my prescriptions renewed... I notice absently that there is a ruddy stain on my shirt where my hand had been resting.
"Oh, there you are, Ken," Mary says as she walks towards me. She smiles, but it fades just slightly as she comes closer. "Are you feeling alright? You look... disoriented. What's that on your shirt?"
I shake my head. "Hm? Oh, nothing, I slipped and cut myself with the box cutter. Guess I got it on myself."
"Did you bleed a lot? Are you feeling light headed?"
"Mare, I'm fine," I say, grinning a little.
She puts her hands on her hips. "You boys, you think you're made of steel. Flesh rips, you too can bleed, Kenny. Bodies are far from indestructible, they break, you know?"
My grin fades. I think of the kid. In my arms, bleeding in my arms, broken. ripped. "I know, Mary. I know."
"Oh, Ken, I'm sorry. I didn't mean t-" she says hurriedly, stepping closer.
I nod. "I know, Mare."
She brushe at the hair in my eyes again in that motherly fashion and then steps away, sighing heavily. "Well, go clean yourself up. There's a first aid kit in the employee washroom. When you're done you can man one of the registers."
I nod. "Sure thing, Mary."
She smiles and then turns to walk away. "Such a good, kid," I hear her mumble.
In the washroom the sterile smell of the first aid kit, fresh gauze mingling with antiseptic cream, fills my head. It makes me think of the infirmary... gauze and disinfectant. All those pretty bottles, all those needles, all those broken lives.
Before I know it I'm sitting on the toilet, head in hands, struggling to finish what I started this morning. Oh, god, but the story is so long... and I've never much liked the ending.
* * * * * *
When all was said and done our punishments weren't nearly as bad as they could have been. In fact if it wasn't for the way things turned out my life would have been completely different. whether that is a bad thing or a good thing I can't really say. Right around now my feelings about the whole thing get terribly jumbled. I think you'll see why, or maybe not. I may simply have been crazy from the beginning.
Crawford never told us exactly what happened to the Vietnamese kid, and we weren't going to push our luck and bring it up. It wouldn't be for a few weeks yet that I would learn that he had been treated, and after a short interrogation had been returned him to the village and the people he claimed as his family. The army could not find any probable reason to detain him at the camp. Thus, as the days worn on, I was convinced I would never see the kid again. How I wish that was true.
As punishment Schu and Farf had been grounded from active duty. Stripped of their wings for the time being they were practically demoted to maintenance crew. This was probably the worst possible punishment that Sculdich could have received. He swore and walked around base in a black cloud for almost a week until I pointed out that things weren't really as bad as they seemed. It was monsoon season coming up, and even I knew that we would hardly be active at all during those months anyway. Schu and Farfarello weren't going to be missing any action, all they would be missing were the hum drum supply runs and the freak out emergency med-lifts that took years off your life. I had a sneaky suspicion that Youji knew all this too, and that both would be back on active duty by the time the war was moving again.
At first it seemed as if Kudou didn't have any other punishment in mind for Fujimiya and myself than the weekly scrubbing of the heads we were obliged to perform with the other two. When pressed about his intentions he would skirt around the issue or suddenly 'remember some paperwork.' So we were caught off guard a few weeks later when he called us both into the officer's quarters.
He was grinning at us wolfishly when we entered, a dangerous gleam that I didn't appreciate in his piercing green eyes. He said nothing, just sat there grinning, a cigarette dangling form him lips, and then motioned wordlessly to the chairs before him.
I hesitated and made to look at Fujimiya, but he was already brushing past me, sitting down. Ever since the fiasco day he was as distant and self absorbed as he had been when we first met. I had thought that maybe things were getting better, that he and I were starting to understand each other, but there was no evidence of that now. He hardly said two words to me in one sitting. I couldn't figure the guy out and it was driving me crazy. it hurt too. I don't know what I had thought, or had been hoping, but they didn't fit in anywhere now.
"I got your punishment cleared," Kudou said languidly. "Sorry it took so long, but I had to have you two cleared through the board first."
I didn't like the sound of that. I think it showed. Kudou laughed softly. "Don't look so shocked, Hidaka, it's not what you think."
Funny thing was I didn't know -what- I was thinking.
"We received a notice from the upper up or whatever right before you boys took it upon yourselves to go joyriding. The army is looking for 'volunteers' from bases near 'semi-urban' areas to teach English to the local Gooks during the monsoon season, if not longer. So I thought to myself, 'Volunteer, shmolumteer, this would be the -perfect- punishment for you two'. I had to have it cleared before I could go ahead and give you your new assignment, but everything is in order now so shall I begin?" his voice was sticky sweet and I could tell he was enjoying this more than he should have been. I think that if he had been given any incentive to cackle he would have.
Fujimiya stood up from his seat, slamming both of his palms down onto Youji's desk. "What kind of crap is this, Kudou? I don't have time to be teaching Gooks their fuckin' ABCs!"
Youji stood up to meet him and leaned forward, jabbing him in the chest with a finger. "You have time to do whatever the fuck I tell you to, private," he let the last word draw itself out slowly as he stared Fujimiya down.
Fujimiya made a low growling sound and sat down stiffly beside me. Glancing at him I could see the anger blazing in his deep dark eyes, but I didn't want to look too deep, so after a moment I looked away again.
I tried to think of something to say, but couldn't, so I stayed silent.
"Look, this isn't that bad of a deal, ok? The worst part is that, heaven forbid, you two are going to have to spend some quality time together. Ran, you might be forced to stop being an ass hole and put some energy into giving a damn. I know it's hard, but try, ok? For me? Yeah. Anyway starting in two weeks every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday you will be taken into Sang Cho-na by a transport where you will teach English to whoever wants to learn English in some house down by the river. Class will be four hours long, and no, Ran cause I can see the question forming on your lips, you cannot alternate weeks or days or anything you have to go and be there -together- every single fucking day the class is held. At the first convenient point in the day after class the transport will pick you up again. This might mean right after class, it might mean ten PM, it's whenever we feel like coming and getting you," Kudou said, leaning back in his chair, taking a drag on his cigarette.
"What kind of bullshit is this?" Ran demanded.
"Look, Fujimiya, you didn't seem to mind going to Sang Cho-na a few weeks ago, so I don't have any sympathy for you. You two will just have to find ways to amuse yourselves. The base has more important things to waste duty time on that picking up a couple of bored school teachers, capish?"
"Capish," I'd said quietly without really meaning to.
Kudou swiveled his head to look at me. "See, there you go. Hidaka understands the gravity of the situation. Suck it up, Fujimiya."
I thought Fujimiya threw me a withering glance, but I couldn't be sure. I was still trying to work out how I was going to go about trying to teach people with whom I couldn't communicate.
As if to solve my problem Kudou spoke up again. "In a couple days you two are going to fly down to the transport way station down the river to pick up some touchy-feeling 'instructional educators' sent up from wherever it is they keep those people while we're out here getting killed. They will give you a crash course in how to be efficient teachers and then leave. I think they are bringing some field journalist with them, so be prepared to smile for the cameras."
Ran groaned and rolled his eyes. "This is bullshit, Kudou."
"Maybe, but it will keep you out of trouble. And your pilot from getting killed, so there's an upside for everybody."
I noticed that Ran twitched and narrowed his eyes. He was making a concerted effort not to look at me. I didn't really care, I just wanted to get out of there and find Omi. He'd been oddly distant and quiet since the whole episode. I wondered how much he remembered about it. Sometimes I thought about the kiss he'd given me, his soft words, and the reassuring weight of his body against my back. Nam was getting way more fucked up for me than I ever thought it would, and that was saying something. I thought I'd left fucked up behind me. Maybe that kind of shit follows you around. Looking at everything now I think it must.
"If that's it can we leave, sir?" I asked abruptly.
Kudou looked at me and shrugged. "Sure if you want, but if you have a second I'd like to talk with you alone for a moment."
I looked sidelong at Fujimiya as he rose silently saluted, which coming from him was more of an insult to Kudou than anything else, and then walked stiffly from the room. When we were alone Kudou got up, walked around the side of his desk, and stood before me, leaning against the lip of the desk top. We stared at each other for a few moments before Kudou spoke his mind.
"How are things going for you, Hidaka? I haven't had a chance to really talk to you since your first day. You had it kinda tough for a bit, if I remember correctly."
I looked up to meet his eyes and shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, at first maybe, but I got over it. I'm here to do my job, that's what I'll do."
He nodded and smiled. "Yeah, it's just a job in the end isn't it? I try to keep telling myself that, but... Ach, anyway. You seem to have gotten pretty close to that Tsukiyono kid. That's good. He'll be out of here soon, I think. Although he may have to stay through the monsoon season, something is holding his papers up. Anyway, it's good to let people in, even here. I try to tell Ran that, but... well you know the story there."
More than you know, I do, I thought. I just nodded.
"So... how are things between you and Fujimiya? I was kinda hoping that he'd lighten up, you seemed concerned before."
I was beginning to wonder where this conversation was going. I shrugged. "Things are fine. There's no antagonism, but I wouldn't say we're close really. We do our thing, I can't expect more than that."
He nodded slowly, the light catching in his long, wavy hair and then he looked up. "You haven't picked up any of your mail," he blurted out. "Is there a reason you don't go to pick it up?"
I raised my eyebrows. Where the hell did that come from? I didn't even know I had any mail. "I wasn't aware that I had mail, sir. I didn't expect anyone to be sending me anything." My heart beat a little faster. I wondered if it was from my family... my mother, Kase, Yuriko... who? When I left home I thought it was pretty clear between all of us that nothing was expected anymore. We'd cut the ties. I was going to go and be and do what I wanted to, what I had to, and they were going to hold me in contempt for that. That was fine. I'd made my peace.
"Why is that?"
I paused. "I just didn't. I told you... things aren't exactly right with my family and me."
"Well, it isn't healthy to let your mail just sit there. Go down to the mail room and pick up your shit. And do me a favor," he said, leveling his eyes with mine.
"What's that?"
"Read it."
I smiled sadly and saluted. "I'll do my best, sir."
"Dismissed, private."
I got up from my seat and walked slowly from the office. I felt heavy and sad. I didn't want to see what was waiting for me, I didn't think I could take it. I'd left it all behind me on purpose. Why was it catching up with me now? I was in such and introspective funk that as I pushed my way out of the officer's quarters I didn't see Ran until he reached out and put his hand on my shoulder. I was so startled that I actually jumped. I hadn't expected him to be waiting for me, it was the last thing I'd even considered.
"What was that about?"
My mouth opened slowly, and I took a deep breath. "I have mail," is what ended up coming out.
I turned from him slowly but didn't move away. I just stood there for a few moments, his hand resting on my shoulder. He didn't pull it away either, I was glad. I didn't want him to.
"What? Hidaka, are you ok?" he asked shortly.
I snorted through my nose and then took a few steps away, feeling his hand slide off of my body. "Sure. I've gotta get down to the mail room. Later, Ran."
He didn't call after me or comment on my use of his first name he just stood there. I could feel his eyes on my back until I rounded a far corner and disappeared from his view into the maze of makeshift buildings.
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Afterthoughts: Bwahahaha! Now I gotta go 'study'. yeah, suuuure. Anyway. Don't forget to REVIEW!! *points at review button thing* Do it now! Go, now!! Stay tuned. Hopefully I will get another chapter done at some point in the next few weeks. *sweatdrops*