Disclaimer: *points at the slew of chapters behind this one* Ditto.
Comments: Ok, I was so tired and out of it when I posted this, that I forgot to write any comments at all. It was up for like five hours just *splat* up here. Oh well, most people were probably glad to be free of my ranting, ne? Then I took a nap, got my computer networked, and then as I was folding my nice, fresh, clean laundry I suddenly realized my mistake. Que lata.. Oh well. So now my comments are about my lack of comments. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I think you will. *Grins* And if you don't... well, nyah. So enjoy. And please review!!
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I don't remember what happened after they took Omi away. I stayed in Fujimiya's arms, wishing I could just dissolve into the warmth of his body. I don't know if he carried me or if I walked out of what was left of Willy Ng's on my own two feet. Either way I came back to my senses as I was lying on my bunk. Vaguely I heard Schuldich's voice, low and soft, and I heard Jei reply. Though I didn't hear him speak I knew Ran was there as well, they were talking about me. I hadn't changed. I hadn't bathed. I just lay there still soaked in drying blood and caked in dirt. I remember noticing oddly that my boots had been taken off. I imagined that Ran must have done this for me. I didn't remember. I didn't remember anything.
Without warning the image of Omi vomiting up his own blood took over my entire mind and I sat up sharply, gasping. The others noticed, halting in their conversation, turning towards me. Schuldich came to me, said words, got in my space. I didn't want him there, so I pushed him away, shoving him against the bunk next to mine. There was only one thing I wanted, and he was in my way.
Without saying a word to any of them, knowing they were watching me, not caring either way, I got up and walked to the end of my bunk, throwing open the foot locker. The dark amber bottle reflected the dull light of the bunk house, glittering like gold to my eyes. I knew what relief that bottle held. Maybe if I could just get some sleep.. So I took it, I took the bottle, lying back on my bunk, popping pills. I must have taken three times the suggested dose before I started to feel the world slip away. My limbs went slack, everything lifted away from my body. I just managed to screw the cap back on before the bottle slid from my useless fingers and rolled onto my blanket. I remember those disapproving, pitying eyes. Indigo. I hated them then as they watched me. All of them. They didn't understand. What did I care, anyhow? What did they for that matter?
For three days I felt nothing. I spent them in a drug induced stupor, popping the benzodiazepine pills like they were candy. The more I took, the more I needed to banish the images. For two nights and three days I was not alive. At some point I was dragged to the bath house and forced to shower. I don't remember any of it. The pills did not render me immobile; they just made everything unimportant. It was all just so much nothing, that's why I didn't remember. Max and Farf and Ran dragged me along to mess. I sat, I ate, I stared blankly at the world around me.
On the third day I ran out of pills. The infirmary was closed to the soldiers save by appointment due to the overwhelming demand on the staff from the bombing in Sang Cho-na. Due to the weather it wasn't safe enough to medi-vac the majority of casualties out of the base, so most of the injured were crammed into the infirmary. I didn't want to bother the nurses. They didn't need to deal with me.
As the last remnants of my last pills began to wear off around dinner time I started to shake. My hands would not stay still, it was harder to breathe than it should have been. All I could think of was getting more pills. That and the images that started seeping back in through the cracks in my brain. Those dismembered limbs started showing up everywhere I looked, and the blood was reflected in the pouring rain that began just after sunset. We sat huddled in our bunk houses, hiding from the rain... hiding from the blood. But for me there was no place to hide, the more I sat there, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth, the more I saw the kid's face and smelled the smell of his death. Every few minutes one of the others would call to me, make a joke and try to get me to join in, but I would just smile distantly, answer as best I could and go back to trying to block the world out. And all the time all I wanted was to fill my bloodstream with nothing... I needed more anti anxiety pills. Youji had said I could get them in the morning if I still felt that I needed them. That had been at last mess, but I wanted them now.
Hiding my face in my arms out of pain and frustration I groaned softly, almost lapsing back into tears. I felt him come to sit beside me on my bunk. I didn't look up at first. I didn't lift my head until I felt him touch my shoulder, gently squeezing as if to comfort. When I looked up to meet his eyes I was momentarily thrown by what I found there. He stared back at me with unguarded concern, fear, and... something more... longing? I didn't know, didn't want to think about it. There was no trace of his hard edged, emotionless visage. Where had the cold hearted soldier I met so long ago gone? Why did I want nothing more than to throw myself against him and be held in his arms again? Of course I couldn't, not with the others there, but had he not broken the moment I could have stayed lost in him forever. Seeing, being seen.
"Hidaka... get some sleep," he said softly. As he spoke he reached out slowly, his fingers seeking to gently tease the small glass bottle from my hand. I hadn't even realized that I'd been clutching it as I rocked. My fingers tightened possessively around it for a moment but relaxed as I softly heard him say, "This isn't what you need right now." I relaxed my fingers and dropped the bottle.
I closed my eyes, because I remember for some reason that the sound of his voice made me nauseous. But at that point I think anything would have made me nauseous. I swallowed my urge to gag, my mind flitting briefly over the torrent of black blood that had spilled from Omi's mouth, and nodded slowly. I knew that Kudou wasn't going to pamper me forever. The fact that he had taken me off active duty for three days already was starting to irk Crawford. If I didn't get somewhat over this now, and get back to duty, then I was going to end up section eight. Ran was right, I needed real rest, real sleep. Not the void like stupor that the pills induced.
I pushed Ran's hand off my shoulder and slid beneath my blankets, still in most of my clothes. I didn't feel like getting undressed. I lay on my side, facing away from Ran, staring at the bunk across from me.
"Close your eyes," he commanded quietly. I did. Listening to him was easier than thinking for myself. He sat beside me for some time, waiting for me to fall asleep. I guess he hoped it might bring me comfort, and it must have, because despite my tormented mind I soon fell into slumber, the sound of the rain washing over me. But behind the darkness of my eyelids I found hell waiting for me.
I lived through Kase again, I lived through his rejection, his disdain, his weakness. I lived through my first out. The fear was so strong, so tangible. It was all like a bad trip, and thinking back now on the drugs that were slowly thinning in my blood stream it probably was. And of course I lived through Willy Ng's. Only this time I was there. I was there as Omi and Swanny scrambled through the choking dust from the first explosion and were caught in the second. I heard Omi's screams and Swanny's frantic terror filled cries as he fled, leaving the kid behind. I knew then that it was all my fault. They had been waiting for me, waiting for Ran and me to catch up to them at the bar. My fault for not seeing the obvious in the first place. I saw Nagi's deceptively childlike eyes mocking me. This time, when I went to Omi, he told me how much he despised me for letting him die. He blamed me; he said it should have been me who died. I didn't have anything left to live for anyway, hissed. He was right. I should have been the one. This time the overflow of his blood only grew and grew until it was a raging river. It swept me away and I began to drown in the flood of death. I choked on Omi's blood and woke screaming.
Sitting bolt upright I panted heavily in the near darkness. I couldn't take it! I needed to banish the images from my mind and I could only think of one way to do that. I didn't care anymore. I was going to the infirmary, and I was getting my pills. I didn't want to feel the pain, the grief, the anger. Feeling nothing was better than this.
My cries had not disturbed many of the other in the 326th bunk house. Nightmares were common, and so was screaming. But as I threw back my covers and got to my feet, glad that I had not removed my fatigues I realized that I had woken at least one comrade.
"Ken..? What are you doing?" his voice was quiet, but demanding.
I didn't bother to turn around or look up at him, I could already see him in my mind's eye propping himself up in the top bunk, staring at me. Instead I hopped over to my boots and slid them on, supporting myself against the end post. I worked quickly. I didn't relish going out in the rain, but I didn't feel I had a choice.
"Where are you going?" he asked a little more loudly, a little more fear toying with the edges of his voice.
"Out," I answered harshly and then walked as quickly as I could down the isle between the two rows of bunks and out into the rain. Once I hit the outside I started to run. I ran to escape the rain and the dreams and the guilt. I ran all the way to the infirmary, bursting through the front doors and coming to a skidding halt before the nurse's station. I must have looked a fright, sopping wet, pale, and shivering, because the look Manx gave me told me she was about ready to call the psych ward. Ms. Birman got up and leaned out of the front of the box.
"Hidaka? What are you doing here?! The infirmary is off limits to soldiers right now. Unless you have an emergency I want to see you march your scrawny Californian ass back out my door," she snapped.
I looked at her, panting, and ran my hand across my forehead, wiping back my soaking hair. Perhaps she could see the emergency in my eyes, because after a moment she sighed and shook her head. "I suppose you want your prescription now, right?"
"Birman, listen..." I began.
She shook her head. "You don't need to explain, Hidaka. I know what you've been through, so even though I shouldn't and it's against code and you weren't supposed to get it until tomorrow... I'll give you the bottle Lt. Kudou asked us to have ready for you," she said.
"Thank you, Birman," I breathed. "I'm sorry... I just... I need to sleep."
She smiled blandly as Manx got up and rummaged around in the station. After a moment she placed a bottle in Birman's hand, and Birman then tossed it to me. It shimmered in the air and I caught it easily despite my shaking hands.
As I turned to go I head Birman call after me. "Hidaka! Be careful with that stuff."
I smiled weakly, nodding my head and then pushing back into the weeping night. The rain was warm and fell in sheets, but I no longer cared. I didn't feel like running anymore, I wanted to savor the feel of the bottle in my hand. Thus I walked slowly back to the bunkhouse, soaking as the skies wept all the tears I kept locked in my soul.
It was so dark that I would never have noticed him if it wasn't for the glow of his cigarette. I hadn't expected him to be waiting for me, yet there he was hovering beneath the eve of the roof. He had pulled on his drab pants and his boots. He stood, arms folded across his white undershirt, glaring at me, cigarette dangling between his fingers. I tried to walk past him, but he was blocking the door with his back. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to deal with him. Maybe it was that look of disgust I caught in his eye as he took a drag on his cigarette, light momentarily flaring from its tip.
"Move," I growled.
He held out his hand. "Give me the pills."
I scoffed, taking a step back. "No," I said incredulously. What the hell did he want with my pills? Whatever I thought he wanted from me it wasn't this.
"Hidaka..." he growled, turning his head. "Give them to me. I know you went to the infirmary. You don't need that shit."
I glared back at him. How dare he tell me what to do? Who did he think he was? "Don't fucking tell me what I do and don't need," I hissed. "I'd rather feel nothing at all than what I feel right now."
He shifted and I saw him move. For some reason I thought he was going to hit me and I flinched away. But in the end all he did was reach up to touch my face, brushing my sopping hair from my eyes. Warmth blossomed in my cold skin where he touched me, and the heat spread though my body, yet I found myself shivering under the scrutiny of his deep, dark eyes.
"Ken, I know, I've been there. But you can't do this. You have to let yourself grieve. This shit can turn the pain off, but that's not what you need." His voice soothed me, and I wanted to lean into his touch, feel his warmth around me, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I just stood there, clutching the bottle, staring at him desperately. "Now give me the bottle," he added forcefully.
That was all it took to break my trance. I slapped his hand away and pulled back. "Fuck off," I hissed.
"It's not an option," he answered, darting forward. It was dark and so I didn't catch the movement in time to avoid him. Not that I was in any condition to play cat and mouse with Ran Fujimiya anyway. He grabbed my wrist, jerking me forward so hard that I nearly lost my balance on the muddy ground. I grit my teeth and held on for dear life. Let him do what he wanted, I wasn't going to give in. He was crazy. He could go to hell for all I cared. We came to an impasse. My struggling got me no closer to getting away and his prying got him no closer to getting me to drop my precious cargo.
But Ran had a trick up his sleeve that I didn't expect him to play. Leave it to Ran Fujimiya to play dirty. Just as I told him to go to hell for the third time he jerked my arm straight, taking the cigarette that he'd been clenching in his teeth, and burying it in the back of my hand. If you've never been burned by a cigarette, congratulations, you've avoided something very painful. I cried out in pain and surprise, probably more the latter than the former in all actuality. But Ran's dirty play had its desired effect. My hand involuntarily sprang open, dropping the bottle. As soon as it did he released me and I fell back, nursing my wound, and before I could recover he had snatched up the prescription bottle of pills. I glared at him, hating him with every fiber in my body.
He looked back at me, panting slightly, and then dropped the cigarette, snubbing it out under his boot. "I'm sorry, Hidaka... I didn't want to do that, but the burn I gave you will go away in a few days. Crap like this," he held up the bottle and gave it a little shake, the pills jingling softly against the glass, the sound only increasing my longing, "fucks you up for life."
"Give them back," I growled, standing straight, intent on ignoring the meddling pain from my hand. I took a step towards him. "They're mine, you don't have any right, Ran."
He looked at me, his eyes hardening, his hand tightening further around my bottle. "You don't get it, Ken. The only way you'll get these pills from me is over my dead body."
I laughed hollowly. "I might not have to wait too long. There seems to be a lot of that happening lately. What would one more death mean to me now?"
My words must have hit a nerve, because he twitched and took a deep breath. He raised his hand, and for a moment I thought he was going to throw the bottle at me. Instead he grumbled in frustration and then dropped it back by his side. "You are such an ass, Hidaka. Open your eyes for two seconds and look at how you're letting this destroy you," he snapped.
"Stop lecturing me!" I cried. "I'm not your little brother, I'm not your friend, I'm not your bitch so get off my back and give me back my fucking pills. I don't mean anything to you, so what the fuck do you care if I have them or not?!"
"You're my fucking pilot," he spat back. "And I told you once, I'm not losing another pilot. Especially not to his own idiocy!"
"Fuck you!" I screamed, rushing him. Seeing as we weren't standing all that far apart in the first place I didn't have far to go, even so, Ran easily avoided my anger driven and clumsy attack. He sidestepped me, reaching out and grapping my arm once again. The slack ran out and I was almost jerked off my feet, my shoulder joint protesting the abuse. Without giving me a chance to recover he turned and dragged me off after him.
"That's it," he growled, towing me along by my wrist.
"What the fuck are you doing? Where are we going?" I demanded, trying to break free. His grip was too strong. So there we were trudging through the pouring rain, both soaked to the bone, nearly blinded by the darkness and the water that ran into our eyes. Whenever I tried to pull away from him my feet would slip on the soaked earth, churning up mud. Eventually I gave up trying to get away and just let him lead me through the downpour. I stayed silent and let my anger build. Anger was good. It was something I could control, it crowded out the grief.
Soon my feet met nothing but sloppy, giving grass. It was hard to keep any purchase. As much as we stumbled along, Ran would not loosen his grip on my wrist. After a few minutes walking I realized where we were as a dark shape loomed up in front of us. It was the link fence. We were at the far side of the training field, backed against the jungle. Fujimiya dragged me forward and let go of my wrist, making me stumble a few feet. I stopped and looked back at him; he was working at something in his hand.
I was so angry I didn't know what to do, what to say, so I just stood there, shivering from the rain and from indignation. It wasn't until he threw the bottle cap at me and raised his hand above his head that I realized what his intent was. Choking on my cry of outrage and fear I watched helplessly as he threw the bottle at the fence. A shimmering dance of white pills filled the air. I could hear them smack against the wet earth and saw them scatter through the gaps in the link fence. The bottle itself disappeared into the darkness, swallowed by the jungle.
"Are you crazy?!" I screamed, watching in horror as all the tiny benzodiazepine capsules began to dissolve in the rain.
"If you want them back so badly, go get them," he growled and then turned away, sloshing up the slight slope back towards the rest of the base.
I took a few halting steps towards where my pills had disappeared. I was so utterly stunned by his action that I just stood there, watching the rain make short work of my only escape from that hell. I couldn't figure out what Fujimiya was thinking. What were his motives? What did he care what I did, or how I escaped from the pain caused by Omi's death? Was it true that he was only concerned because I was his pilot and he didn't want any screw ups of mine to mar his name further, or was there more? I remembered the way his arms had felt as he held me after they took Omi away. I wanted there to be more.
For the first time, standing there in the rain, staring at the ground as it was slowly churned to mud, I realized that I -wanted- there to be more from Ran Fujimiya. It wasn't just an absent thought, just some idea to toy with; it was what I wanted. I wanted him to care. Yet at the same time I felt the aching weight of having lost someone that I cared for, who cared for me. Fujimiya had told me that it was easier not to let others in, and I had told him his view was foolish and cowardly. Yet here I stood, wishing that I had never met Omi Tsukiyono, praying my feelings for Ran would fade so that he, too, could never hurt me.
I felt all my anger drain away, leaving my body, flowing out of me even as the rain flowed over me. It left me feeling weak and tired, and chasing on its heels. Filling the void my anger had left behind was a debilitating sadness. The rushing sound in my ears was so loud, and yet through it I could hear his sloppy footsteps getting farther away, struggling up the slope.
Before I knew what I was doing I turned around, and balling my hands into fists so tightly that I felt my fingernails bite into my skin I shouted after him, "Why are you doing this to me?!" My voice cracked in my desperation, tears of frustration and pain threatening to fall, to mix with the rain on my skin.
He paused, surprised by my outburst. In the darkness I could just barely make him out, his white t-shirt reflecting what little light there was so that he seemed almost to glow. He turned around to face me.
"Ken..."
"Why? I don't need this from you!" I cried, moving towards him, slipping as I went. "I don't need any of this!"
He stared at me through the rain, and without saying anything began to move back down the slight rise towards me.
I turned away, helplessness overwhelming me. I had lost control of everything in my life. All I could think about was how unfair it all was. "Omi didn't deserve this!" I called into the sky. "He didn't deserve to die. He was going home in less than a week," I turned back to Ran, surprised at how much closer he was. He stood watching me passively as I ranted. "He went through all that shit, VC traps, fucking fox holes for God's sake! And I waited for him! I waited for him and I saved his life, but for what?! He's dead now, and it's my fault. He was waiting for me in the damned bar, he was waiting there knowing we would be coming along eventually, right around that time! And Nagi, I saved his life, too. And he was a fucking Viet Cong all along! He knew, he knew everything! If I hadn't saved him, if I hadn't brought him to the base, maybe things would have been different. What if he found out the leave schedule while he was here and told them and all of those soldiers were blown to bits because of -me-?!"
Through my tirade I paced and screamed into the night, hugging myself one moment, flailing my arms in frustration the next. Tears coursed down my face, and it was all I could do to keep from collapsing. Finally my foot slipped out from under me and I fell to my knees, wrapping my arms around myself, crying softly.
"Ken?" I heard his voice through the rain, so soft and gentle, but I didn't care. I didn't want to hear him talk to me like that. He could break me. Crouching there in the mud and grass, closing my eyes against my life, I remembered our exchange of words on the night we walked back from Sang Cho- na.
* * * * * * "Look, Hidaka, I'm not busting your balls because I think I'm so much smarter than you. In this place nothing is certain. You reach out and your hand will be ripped off. If you care too much the Gods will punish you and you will lose. It doesn't pay to get attached to anything here, because tomorrow... it could all be gone. I'm just telling you what I know from experience. Don't open yourself up... you'll just end up going section eight."
"I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take. 'It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.'"
"You say that like you know what you're talking about."
"I do."
"Well so do I. And I say that's bull shit. Look out for number one, Hidaka. Don't set yourself up for a fall you won't be able to handle."
"You are so... cold, Fujimiya. How can you stand to be in there with yourself? Blocking the world and everyone in it out just to keep yourself safe is such a cowardly thing to do. That's the easy way out. The hard thing is learning to love and lose and make that a part of life. Shit happens, but at the end of your life do you want to leave this world knowing that no one will be waiting for you in the next?"
* * * * * *
I looked up slowly, and continued to speak, but softly this time, my voice all but gone. "You told me not to be so close to people. You told me that the Gods would punish me, and you were right. I didn't know what I was talking about. I thought I'd already lost everything I could, but I can't take this. Go ahead and tell me you were right, say 'I told you so.'"
He crouched in front of me then, tilting forward onto his knees. "Ken," he said softly, I was beginning to wonder if that was the only thing he could say. "Don't... don't do this." He reached out as it to touch me, reaching in the darkness to touch my face.
My anger returned. I lashed out and slapped his hands away. "And you!" I shouted, "What is your deal?! You fucking hypocrite! Why are you doing this to me? Why do you make me feel the way I do? You tell me to shut everyone out, you say that I will be punished for loving others and then you do this to me! How can you do this?!"
I was too entangled in my tirade to notice the look on his face, to see his expression of shock. He reached for me again, his eyes darkening. "Ken, don't go there," he growled.
I flailed at his hands again. "Go where? Too late, I'm gone!"
"Shut up!"
"No, I won't shut up! You can't make me!" Yeah, looking back on it now maybe that wasn't the most mature thing I could have said, but at the time I wasn't worried about it.
"Stop acting like a child!" he shouted, grabbing for my wrists.
"God, I hate you," I nearly sobbed. "Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want it to go away. What do you wan-"
But he never let me finish my tantrum. He did find a way to make me shut up. Breaking past my feeble defenses he suddenly reached for me, taking my face in his hands, and silenced me with his lips. It was as if he sought to crush me, kissing me so hard I could feel my lips bruising. I struggled against him at first, angry at his second dirty play in one night, but after a moment I didn't want to fight anymore. I was so tired of fighting, and there was bliss in his touch. I closed my eyes tightly, caught in the softness, the sweetness of his taste. My heart beat so fast that I was sure it would leap from my chest, and inside of my stomach a storm of wings erupted, twisting and teasing. I moaned softly, beginning to lose myself in the sensation. Yet my tears continued to fall, mixing with the rain, washing down my face and onto our lips, tainting it appropriately with bitter salt. I wondered how my sorrow tasted to him.
As his lips continued to work feverishly at mine, kissing me as if he spited himself for doing so but was unable to stop, he released my face and reached around my back, crushing me against his body, pinning my arms between us. Now there was no choice for me. I could do nothing but submit. Wanted to do nothing else, because I wanted to feel... feel anything but what I was feeling. Feel anything but the guilt and the breaking of my heart.
I worked my arms free and laced my hand behind his neck, grabbing fistfuls of his sopping, dark hair, filling my fingers with its unearthly feel. I pulled myself against him, pressing out bodies together, warmth spreading between us as I felt his tongue caress my swollen lips for the first time. I drew it into my mouth without thinking, wanting only to throw myself as far past the point of no return as possible. I wanted to surrender to him, let him take me over, so that I didn't have to think anymore. He was my pill now. He was all I had left.
When his lips broke from mine for the first time I gasped as he immediately ducked his head to bite my neck, stopping to kiss the spot beneath my jaw. I could feel his lips pressed against my racing pulse. I tugged sharply on his hair, hissing through my teeth.
"Ran..." I whimpered. Overwhelmed by the entirety of the night I began to sob again. He raised his head in alarm, as if brought to his senses by my cry. His eyes met mine, and in them I found so much fear and uncertainty that I could hardly reconcile the person before me now with the man who had so fiercely claimed me a moment before.
He looked into my soul, plaintively, begging me not to make him regret this. He brushed my soaking bangs from my eyes again, and tried to brush my tears away with his thumbs but they became lost in the rain water. "Ken... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-."
I cut him off. "Why? Why did you?" I asked softly, breathing heavily, pressing forward, touching my forehead to his.
He looked into my eyes, and I noticed for the first time that tears were forming there. He was so vulnerable, I shivered against him. "... Because, even if I lose you like all the others, I want to know that you'll be waiting for me in the next world."
I kissed him then, sucking gently on his bottom lip, pressing into his softness. I felt his hands run beneath my shirt, up onto my back, his cold hands sending shivers through my spine. I sighed against him, and felt him take my breath into himself. "I won't have to. I'm not going to die in this place."
"Will you live for me?" he asked harshly, a strain of urgency in his voice.
"Yes," I whispered. And then he took me in his arms again and held me against his body. We were both shivering and shaking, our sopping bodies clinging to each other in the darkness. As we huddled there, partaking of each other's warmth, my sorrow began to flood back, filling me with longing and despair. Somehow it all felt so wrong. There I sat huddled against the person who I longed to love, and longed even more to be loved by when the last person who had loved me freely was no longer able to love anything. He was gone, and in the wake of his death I couldn't even let myself mourn him properly. I was ashamed, but I needed Ran so badly then that all I could do was rest my head against his shoulder as I began to cry again.
He quieted me as I wept, stroking my head, kissing my chilled skin. "I know how it hurts. I won't let you fall. I won't let this destroy you."
I gave a strangled cry. "I... I never got to tell him," I whispered. "I promised I would tell him before he left."
"Tell him what?"
"Everything. About my family and Kase... I promised him I'd tell him. And I never got to. What am I doing? I can't stand feeling this way!" I cried softly. As I pressed myself harder against his body and I felt his hands tighten in response, something stirred within me and the heat of my body grew. The smell of his rain-washed skin was intoxicating. I raised my head, pushing upwards, kissing the nape of his neck, trailing one hand down the side on his face. "Take me away from here," I whispered into his ear. "Make me feel... anything, anything but this."
He quivered in my arms, sucking his breath sharply through his teeth and pushed me back, seeking my eyes through the darkness and the rain. I saw the surprise in his eyes, the trepidation, and the uncertainty. He touched my face tenderly. "What are you asking of me?" he asked, confusion darkening his pale features. His eyes fairly glowed in the darkness.
I put my hand over his and brought it to my lips, kissing his wrist. "Whatever you can give," I answered, grasping his shoulders, leaning back, pulling him back with me until I lay pressed against the flooding earth staring up into the rain, and he braced himself above me. He stared down at me, dumbstruck, and I could see the ebb and flow of emotions play across his face. Somewhere along the way he had lost his passive mask, and I was glad of it. I savored knowing I could cause such turmoil within him.
"We can't... I won't do... Not here, not like thi-." He managed.
I reached up and touched his face, staring at him, savoring the beauty of his features as the rain dripped from the ends of his hair. "Whatever you can give," I repeated softly.
He shook his head, starting to pull away, suddenly gruff. "I can't take advantage of you like this," he growled.
I grasped his shoulder, pulling him back. "You aren't! Please, Ran, I don't care what you do, just be with me. Kiss me, touch me, it doesn't matter; just let me get lost in you. Take me away from this hell!" I know my voice betrayed my desperation, but I didn't care. I was far beyond the point of having any pride left. "Don't leave me."
He didn't say another word, only bent and took my mouth with his again. He took me out of Nam with his body. His kisses were soft and achingly long, slow and premeditated. I'd never been kissed like that, not by Kase, not by anyone. His touches sent shivers through my body, his nails scraping softly against my wet skin as my heart danced inside of my chest, pounding dully against my ribs until everything ached, sweet torture. When his touches turned to caresses it felt as if I might die by his hands. Everywhere he touched me fire flared and spread until I thought I would burn despite the rain. I tried my best to reciprocate his divine attentions, but I shook so badly that it was all I could do to cling to him feverishly. At his hands I found paradise among the wretched for the first time.
Looking back on it now I realize that a muddy, rain drenched training field in the middle of the night on an army base in the middle of another country is not the most opportune place to have your first amorous encounter with anyone. Nor was my state of mind really conducive to making the kinds of decisions I did that night, but even knowing what I know now I wouldn't change a thing.
At some point the rain stopped long enough for the stars to come out. It was right about this time that we came back to our senses, ceased our attentions to each other and lay trembling on the mud slicked earth. I must have looked a fright, tear stained, soaked to the bone, and caked in mud. Ran never said anything. Admittedly he couldn't have looked much better. Eventually he stood and pulled me to my feet, kissing me again, more possessively this time as if to seal what we had shared.
It was then, as we broke from the last kiss of the first encounter, as he took my hand in his and laced our finger together before smiling and whispering my name in my ear, that I realized I would love him forever. A blessing and a curse.
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Afterthoughts: Oh, so sappy and cheesey. I hope it wasn't too random. I have had this whole thing planned out since the very beginning, so... I hope it worked. Mouuu. Ok, well I got now.
*points at review button* DO IT!!!
Comments: Ok, I was so tired and out of it when I posted this, that I forgot to write any comments at all. It was up for like five hours just *splat* up here. Oh well, most people were probably glad to be free of my ranting, ne? Then I took a nap, got my computer networked, and then as I was folding my nice, fresh, clean laundry I suddenly realized my mistake. Que lata.. Oh well. So now my comments are about my lack of comments. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I think you will. *Grins* And if you don't... well, nyah. So enjoy. And please review!!
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I don't remember what happened after they took Omi away. I stayed in Fujimiya's arms, wishing I could just dissolve into the warmth of his body. I don't know if he carried me or if I walked out of what was left of Willy Ng's on my own two feet. Either way I came back to my senses as I was lying on my bunk. Vaguely I heard Schuldich's voice, low and soft, and I heard Jei reply. Though I didn't hear him speak I knew Ran was there as well, they were talking about me. I hadn't changed. I hadn't bathed. I just lay there still soaked in drying blood and caked in dirt. I remember noticing oddly that my boots had been taken off. I imagined that Ran must have done this for me. I didn't remember. I didn't remember anything.
Without warning the image of Omi vomiting up his own blood took over my entire mind and I sat up sharply, gasping. The others noticed, halting in their conversation, turning towards me. Schuldich came to me, said words, got in my space. I didn't want him there, so I pushed him away, shoving him against the bunk next to mine. There was only one thing I wanted, and he was in my way.
Without saying a word to any of them, knowing they were watching me, not caring either way, I got up and walked to the end of my bunk, throwing open the foot locker. The dark amber bottle reflected the dull light of the bunk house, glittering like gold to my eyes. I knew what relief that bottle held. Maybe if I could just get some sleep.. So I took it, I took the bottle, lying back on my bunk, popping pills. I must have taken three times the suggested dose before I started to feel the world slip away. My limbs went slack, everything lifted away from my body. I just managed to screw the cap back on before the bottle slid from my useless fingers and rolled onto my blanket. I remember those disapproving, pitying eyes. Indigo. I hated them then as they watched me. All of them. They didn't understand. What did I care, anyhow? What did they for that matter?
For three days I felt nothing. I spent them in a drug induced stupor, popping the benzodiazepine pills like they were candy. The more I took, the more I needed to banish the images. For two nights and three days I was not alive. At some point I was dragged to the bath house and forced to shower. I don't remember any of it. The pills did not render me immobile; they just made everything unimportant. It was all just so much nothing, that's why I didn't remember. Max and Farf and Ran dragged me along to mess. I sat, I ate, I stared blankly at the world around me.
On the third day I ran out of pills. The infirmary was closed to the soldiers save by appointment due to the overwhelming demand on the staff from the bombing in Sang Cho-na. Due to the weather it wasn't safe enough to medi-vac the majority of casualties out of the base, so most of the injured were crammed into the infirmary. I didn't want to bother the nurses. They didn't need to deal with me.
As the last remnants of my last pills began to wear off around dinner time I started to shake. My hands would not stay still, it was harder to breathe than it should have been. All I could think of was getting more pills. That and the images that started seeping back in through the cracks in my brain. Those dismembered limbs started showing up everywhere I looked, and the blood was reflected in the pouring rain that began just after sunset. We sat huddled in our bunk houses, hiding from the rain... hiding from the blood. But for me there was no place to hide, the more I sat there, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth, the more I saw the kid's face and smelled the smell of his death. Every few minutes one of the others would call to me, make a joke and try to get me to join in, but I would just smile distantly, answer as best I could and go back to trying to block the world out. And all the time all I wanted was to fill my bloodstream with nothing... I needed more anti anxiety pills. Youji had said I could get them in the morning if I still felt that I needed them. That had been at last mess, but I wanted them now.
Hiding my face in my arms out of pain and frustration I groaned softly, almost lapsing back into tears. I felt him come to sit beside me on my bunk. I didn't look up at first. I didn't lift my head until I felt him touch my shoulder, gently squeezing as if to comfort. When I looked up to meet his eyes I was momentarily thrown by what I found there. He stared back at me with unguarded concern, fear, and... something more... longing? I didn't know, didn't want to think about it. There was no trace of his hard edged, emotionless visage. Where had the cold hearted soldier I met so long ago gone? Why did I want nothing more than to throw myself against him and be held in his arms again? Of course I couldn't, not with the others there, but had he not broken the moment I could have stayed lost in him forever. Seeing, being seen.
"Hidaka... get some sleep," he said softly. As he spoke he reached out slowly, his fingers seeking to gently tease the small glass bottle from my hand. I hadn't even realized that I'd been clutching it as I rocked. My fingers tightened possessively around it for a moment but relaxed as I softly heard him say, "This isn't what you need right now." I relaxed my fingers and dropped the bottle.
I closed my eyes, because I remember for some reason that the sound of his voice made me nauseous. But at that point I think anything would have made me nauseous. I swallowed my urge to gag, my mind flitting briefly over the torrent of black blood that had spilled from Omi's mouth, and nodded slowly. I knew that Kudou wasn't going to pamper me forever. The fact that he had taken me off active duty for three days already was starting to irk Crawford. If I didn't get somewhat over this now, and get back to duty, then I was going to end up section eight. Ran was right, I needed real rest, real sleep. Not the void like stupor that the pills induced.
I pushed Ran's hand off my shoulder and slid beneath my blankets, still in most of my clothes. I didn't feel like getting undressed. I lay on my side, facing away from Ran, staring at the bunk across from me.
"Close your eyes," he commanded quietly. I did. Listening to him was easier than thinking for myself. He sat beside me for some time, waiting for me to fall asleep. I guess he hoped it might bring me comfort, and it must have, because despite my tormented mind I soon fell into slumber, the sound of the rain washing over me. But behind the darkness of my eyelids I found hell waiting for me.
I lived through Kase again, I lived through his rejection, his disdain, his weakness. I lived through my first out. The fear was so strong, so tangible. It was all like a bad trip, and thinking back now on the drugs that were slowly thinning in my blood stream it probably was. And of course I lived through Willy Ng's. Only this time I was there. I was there as Omi and Swanny scrambled through the choking dust from the first explosion and were caught in the second. I heard Omi's screams and Swanny's frantic terror filled cries as he fled, leaving the kid behind. I knew then that it was all my fault. They had been waiting for me, waiting for Ran and me to catch up to them at the bar. My fault for not seeing the obvious in the first place. I saw Nagi's deceptively childlike eyes mocking me. This time, when I went to Omi, he told me how much he despised me for letting him die. He blamed me; he said it should have been me who died. I didn't have anything left to live for anyway, hissed. He was right. I should have been the one. This time the overflow of his blood only grew and grew until it was a raging river. It swept me away and I began to drown in the flood of death. I choked on Omi's blood and woke screaming.
Sitting bolt upright I panted heavily in the near darkness. I couldn't take it! I needed to banish the images from my mind and I could only think of one way to do that. I didn't care anymore. I was going to the infirmary, and I was getting my pills. I didn't want to feel the pain, the grief, the anger. Feeling nothing was better than this.
My cries had not disturbed many of the other in the 326th bunk house. Nightmares were common, and so was screaming. But as I threw back my covers and got to my feet, glad that I had not removed my fatigues I realized that I had woken at least one comrade.
"Ken..? What are you doing?" his voice was quiet, but demanding.
I didn't bother to turn around or look up at him, I could already see him in my mind's eye propping himself up in the top bunk, staring at me. Instead I hopped over to my boots and slid them on, supporting myself against the end post. I worked quickly. I didn't relish going out in the rain, but I didn't feel I had a choice.
"Where are you going?" he asked a little more loudly, a little more fear toying with the edges of his voice.
"Out," I answered harshly and then walked as quickly as I could down the isle between the two rows of bunks and out into the rain. Once I hit the outside I started to run. I ran to escape the rain and the dreams and the guilt. I ran all the way to the infirmary, bursting through the front doors and coming to a skidding halt before the nurse's station. I must have looked a fright, sopping wet, pale, and shivering, because the look Manx gave me told me she was about ready to call the psych ward. Ms. Birman got up and leaned out of the front of the box.
"Hidaka? What are you doing here?! The infirmary is off limits to soldiers right now. Unless you have an emergency I want to see you march your scrawny Californian ass back out my door," she snapped.
I looked at her, panting, and ran my hand across my forehead, wiping back my soaking hair. Perhaps she could see the emergency in my eyes, because after a moment she sighed and shook her head. "I suppose you want your prescription now, right?"
"Birman, listen..." I began.
She shook her head. "You don't need to explain, Hidaka. I know what you've been through, so even though I shouldn't and it's against code and you weren't supposed to get it until tomorrow... I'll give you the bottle Lt. Kudou asked us to have ready for you," she said.
"Thank you, Birman," I breathed. "I'm sorry... I just... I need to sleep."
She smiled blandly as Manx got up and rummaged around in the station. After a moment she placed a bottle in Birman's hand, and Birman then tossed it to me. It shimmered in the air and I caught it easily despite my shaking hands.
As I turned to go I head Birman call after me. "Hidaka! Be careful with that stuff."
I smiled weakly, nodding my head and then pushing back into the weeping night. The rain was warm and fell in sheets, but I no longer cared. I didn't feel like running anymore, I wanted to savor the feel of the bottle in my hand. Thus I walked slowly back to the bunkhouse, soaking as the skies wept all the tears I kept locked in my soul.
It was so dark that I would never have noticed him if it wasn't for the glow of his cigarette. I hadn't expected him to be waiting for me, yet there he was hovering beneath the eve of the roof. He had pulled on his drab pants and his boots. He stood, arms folded across his white undershirt, glaring at me, cigarette dangling between his fingers. I tried to walk past him, but he was blocking the door with his back. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to deal with him. Maybe it was that look of disgust I caught in his eye as he took a drag on his cigarette, light momentarily flaring from its tip.
"Move," I growled.
He held out his hand. "Give me the pills."
I scoffed, taking a step back. "No," I said incredulously. What the hell did he want with my pills? Whatever I thought he wanted from me it wasn't this.
"Hidaka..." he growled, turning his head. "Give them to me. I know you went to the infirmary. You don't need that shit."
I glared back at him. How dare he tell me what to do? Who did he think he was? "Don't fucking tell me what I do and don't need," I hissed. "I'd rather feel nothing at all than what I feel right now."
He shifted and I saw him move. For some reason I thought he was going to hit me and I flinched away. But in the end all he did was reach up to touch my face, brushing my sopping hair from my eyes. Warmth blossomed in my cold skin where he touched me, and the heat spread though my body, yet I found myself shivering under the scrutiny of his deep, dark eyes.
"Ken, I know, I've been there. But you can't do this. You have to let yourself grieve. This shit can turn the pain off, but that's not what you need." His voice soothed me, and I wanted to lean into his touch, feel his warmth around me, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I just stood there, clutching the bottle, staring at him desperately. "Now give me the bottle," he added forcefully.
That was all it took to break my trance. I slapped his hand away and pulled back. "Fuck off," I hissed.
"It's not an option," he answered, darting forward. It was dark and so I didn't catch the movement in time to avoid him. Not that I was in any condition to play cat and mouse with Ran Fujimiya anyway. He grabbed my wrist, jerking me forward so hard that I nearly lost my balance on the muddy ground. I grit my teeth and held on for dear life. Let him do what he wanted, I wasn't going to give in. He was crazy. He could go to hell for all I cared. We came to an impasse. My struggling got me no closer to getting away and his prying got him no closer to getting me to drop my precious cargo.
But Ran had a trick up his sleeve that I didn't expect him to play. Leave it to Ran Fujimiya to play dirty. Just as I told him to go to hell for the third time he jerked my arm straight, taking the cigarette that he'd been clenching in his teeth, and burying it in the back of my hand. If you've never been burned by a cigarette, congratulations, you've avoided something very painful. I cried out in pain and surprise, probably more the latter than the former in all actuality. But Ran's dirty play had its desired effect. My hand involuntarily sprang open, dropping the bottle. As soon as it did he released me and I fell back, nursing my wound, and before I could recover he had snatched up the prescription bottle of pills. I glared at him, hating him with every fiber in my body.
He looked back at me, panting slightly, and then dropped the cigarette, snubbing it out under his boot. "I'm sorry, Hidaka... I didn't want to do that, but the burn I gave you will go away in a few days. Crap like this," he held up the bottle and gave it a little shake, the pills jingling softly against the glass, the sound only increasing my longing, "fucks you up for life."
"Give them back," I growled, standing straight, intent on ignoring the meddling pain from my hand. I took a step towards him. "They're mine, you don't have any right, Ran."
He looked at me, his eyes hardening, his hand tightening further around my bottle. "You don't get it, Ken. The only way you'll get these pills from me is over my dead body."
I laughed hollowly. "I might not have to wait too long. There seems to be a lot of that happening lately. What would one more death mean to me now?"
My words must have hit a nerve, because he twitched and took a deep breath. He raised his hand, and for a moment I thought he was going to throw the bottle at me. Instead he grumbled in frustration and then dropped it back by his side. "You are such an ass, Hidaka. Open your eyes for two seconds and look at how you're letting this destroy you," he snapped.
"Stop lecturing me!" I cried. "I'm not your little brother, I'm not your friend, I'm not your bitch so get off my back and give me back my fucking pills. I don't mean anything to you, so what the fuck do you care if I have them or not?!"
"You're my fucking pilot," he spat back. "And I told you once, I'm not losing another pilot. Especially not to his own idiocy!"
"Fuck you!" I screamed, rushing him. Seeing as we weren't standing all that far apart in the first place I didn't have far to go, even so, Ran easily avoided my anger driven and clumsy attack. He sidestepped me, reaching out and grapping my arm once again. The slack ran out and I was almost jerked off my feet, my shoulder joint protesting the abuse. Without giving me a chance to recover he turned and dragged me off after him.
"That's it," he growled, towing me along by my wrist.
"What the fuck are you doing? Where are we going?" I demanded, trying to break free. His grip was too strong. So there we were trudging through the pouring rain, both soaked to the bone, nearly blinded by the darkness and the water that ran into our eyes. Whenever I tried to pull away from him my feet would slip on the soaked earth, churning up mud. Eventually I gave up trying to get away and just let him lead me through the downpour. I stayed silent and let my anger build. Anger was good. It was something I could control, it crowded out the grief.
Soon my feet met nothing but sloppy, giving grass. It was hard to keep any purchase. As much as we stumbled along, Ran would not loosen his grip on my wrist. After a few minutes walking I realized where we were as a dark shape loomed up in front of us. It was the link fence. We were at the far side of the training field, backed against the jungle. Fujimiya dragged me forward and let go of my wrist, making me stumble a few feet. I stopped and looked back at him; he was working at something in his hand.
I was so angry I didn't know what to do, what to say, so I just stood there, shivering from the rain and from indignation. It wasn't until he threw the bottle cap at me and raised his hand above his head that I realized what his intent was. Choking on my cry of outrage and fear I watched helplessly as he threw the bottle at the fence. A shimmering dance of white pills filled the air. I could hear them smack against the wet earth and saw them scatter through the gaps in the link fence. The bottle itself disappeared into the darkness, swallowed by the jungle.
"Are you crazy?!" I screamed, watching in horror as all the tiny benzodiazepine capsules began to dissolve in the rain.
"If you want them back so badly, go get them," he growled and then turned away, sloshing up the slight slope back towards the rest of the base.
I took a few halting steps towards where my pills had disappeared. I was so utterly stunned by his action that I just stood there, watching the rain make short work of my only escape from that hell. I couldn't figure out what Fujimiya was thinking. What were his motives? What did he care what I did, or how I escaped from the pain caused by Omi's death? Was it true that he was only concerned because I was his pilot and he didn't want any screw ups of mine to mar his name further, or was there more? I remembered the way his arms had felt as he held me after they took Omi away. I wanted there to be more.
For the first time, standing there in the rain, staring at the ground as it was slowly churned to mud, I realized that I -wanted- there to be more from Ran Fujimiya. It wasn't just an absent thought, just some idea to toy with; it was what I wanted. I wanted him to care. Yet at the same time I felt the aching weight of having lost someone that I cared for, who cared for me. Fujimiya had told me that it was easier not to let others in, and I had told him his view was foolish and cowardly. Yet here I stood, wishing that I had never met Omi Tsukiyono, praying my feelings for Ran would fade so that he, too, could never hurt me.
I felt all my anger drain away, leaving my body, flowing out of me even as the rain flowed over me. It left me feeling weak and tired, and chasing on its heels. Filling the void my anger had left behind was a debilitating sadness. The rushing sound in my ears was so loud, and yet through it I could hear his sloppy footsteps getting farther away, struggling up the slope.
Before I knew what I was doing I turned around, and balling my hands into fists so tightly that I felt my fingernails bite into my skin I shouted after him, "Why are you doing this to me?!" My voice cracked in my desperation, tears of frustration and pain threatening to fall, to mix with the rain on my skin.
He paused, surprised by my outburst. In the darkness I could just barely make him out, his white t-shirt reflecting what little light there was so that he seemed almost to glow. He turned around to face me.
"Ken..."
"Why? I don't need this from you!" I cried, moving towards him, slipping as I went. "I don't need any of this!"
He stared at me through the rain, and without saying anything began to move back down the slight rise towards me.
I turned away, helplessness overwhelming me. I had lost control of everything in my life. All I could think about was how unfair it all was. "Omi didn't deserve this!" I called into the sky. "He didn't deserve to die. He was going home in less than a week," I turned back to Ran, surprised at how much closer he was. He stood watching me passively as I ranted. "He went through all that shit, VC traps, fucking fox holes for God's sake! And I waited for him! I waited for him and I saved his life, but for what?! He's dead now, and it's my fault. He was waiting for me in the damned bar, he was waiting there knowing we would be coming along eventually, right around that time! And Nagi, I saved his life, too. And he was a fucking Viet Cong all along! He knew, he knew everything! If I hadn't saved him, if I hadn't brought him to the base, maybe things would have been different. What if he found out the leave schedule while he was here and told them and all of those soldiers were blown to bits because of -me-?!"
Through my tirade I paced and screamed into the night, hugging myself one moment, flailing my arms in frustration the next. Tears coursed down my face, and it was all I could do to keep from collapsing. Finally my foot slipped out from under me and I fell to my knees, wrapping my arms around myself, crying softly.
"Ken?" I heard his voice through the rain, so soft and gentle, but I didn't care. I didn't want to hear him talk to me like that. He could break me. Crouching there in the mud and grass, closing my eyes against my life, I remembered our exchange of words on the night we walked back from Sang Cho- na.
* * * * * * "Look, Hidaka, I'm not busting your balls because I think I'm so much smarter than you. In this place nothing is certain. You reach out and your hand will be ripped off. If you care too much the Gods will punish you and you will lose. It doesn't pay to get attached to anything here, because tomorrow... it could all be gone. I'm just telling you what I know from experience. Don't open yourself up... you'll just end up going section eight."
"I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take. 'It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.'"
"You say that like you know what you're talking about."
"I do."
"Well so do I. And I say that's bull shit. Look out for number one, Hidaka. Don't set yourself up for a fall you won't be able to handle."
"You are so... cold, Fujimiya. How can you stand to be in there with yourself? Blocking the world and everyone in it out just to keep yourself safe is such a cowardly thing to do. That's the easy way out. The hard thing is learning to love and lose and make that a part of life. Shit happens, but at the end of your life do you want to leave this world knowing that no one will be waiting for you in the next?"
* * * * * *
I looked up slowly, and continued to speak, but softly this time, my voice all but gone. "You told me not to be so close to people. You told me that the Gods would punish me, and you were right. I didn't know what I was talking about. I thought I'd already lost everything I could, but I can't take this. Go ahead and tell me you were right, say 'I told you so.'"
He crouched in front of me then, tilting forward onto his knees. "Ken," he said softly, I was beginning to wonder if that was the only thing he could say. "Don't... don't do this." He reached out as it to touch me, reaching in the darkness to touch my face.
My anger returned. I lashed out and slapped his hands away. "And you!" I shouted, "What is your deal?! You fucking hypocrite! Why are you doing this to me? Why do you make me feel the way I do? You tell me to shut everyone out, you say that I will be punished for loving others and then you do this to me! How can you do this?!"
I was too entangled in my tirade to notice the look on his face, to see his expression of shock. He reached for me again, his eyes darkening. "Ken, don't go there," he growled.
I flailed at his hands again. "Go where? Too late, I'm gone!"
"Shut up!"
"No, I won't shut up! You can't make me!" Yeah, looking back on it now maybe that wasn't the most mature thing I could have said, but at the time I wasn't worried about it.
"Stop acting like a child!" he shouted, grabbing for my wrists.
"God, I hate you," I nearly sobbed. "Why are you doing this to me? I don't want to feel like this anymore, I just want it to go away. What do you wan-"
But he never let me finish my tantrum. He did find a way to make me shut up. Breaking past my feeble defenses he suddenly reached for me, taking my face in his hands, and silenced me with his lips. It was as if he sought to crush me, kissing me so hard I could feel my lips bruising. I struggled against him at first, angry at his second dirty play in one night, but after a moment I didn't want to fight anymore. I was so tired of fighting, and there was bliss in his touch. I closed my eyes tightly, caught in the softness, the sweetness of his taste. My heart beat so fast that I was sure it would leap from my chest, and inside of my stomach a storm of wings erupted, twisting and teasing. I moaned softly, beginning to lose myself in the sensation. Yet my tears continued to fall, mixing with the rain, washing down my face and onto our lips, tainting it appropriately with bitter salt. I wondered how my sorrow tasted to him.
As his lips continued to work feverishly at mine, kissing me as if he spited himself for doing so but was unable to stop, he released my face and reached around my back, crushing me against his body, pinning my arms between us. Now there was no choice for me. I could do nothing but submit. Wanted to do nothing else, because I wanted to feel... feel anything but what I was feeling. Feel anything but the guilt and the breaking of my heart.
I worked my arms free and laced my hand behind his neck, grabbing fistfuls of his sopping, dark hair, filling my fingers with its unearthly feel. I pulled myself against him, pressing out bodies together, warmth spreading between us as I felt his tongue caress my swollen lips for the first time. I drew it into my mouth without thinking, wanting only to throw myself as far past the point of no return as possible. I wanted to surrender to him, let him take me over, so that I didn't have to think anymore. He was my pill now. He was all I had left.
When his lips broke from mine for the first time I gasped as he immediately ducked his head to bite my neck, stopping to kiss the spot beneath my jaw. I could feel his lips pressed against my racing pulse. I tugged sharply on his hair, hissing through my teeth.
"Ran..." I whimpered. Overwhelmed by the entirety of the night I began to sob again. He raised his head in alarm, as if brought to his senses by my cry. His eyes met mine, and in them I found so much fear and uncertainty that I could hardly reconcile the person before me now with the man who had so fiercely claimed me a moment before.
He looked into my soul, plaintively, begging me not to make him regret this. He brushed my soaking bangs from my eyes again, and tried to brush my tears away with his thumbs but they became lost in the rain water. "Ken... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-."
I cut him off. "Why? Why did you?" I asked softly, breathing heavily, pressing forward, touching my forehead to his.
He looked into my eyes, and I noticed for the first time that tears were forming there. He was so vulnerable, I shivered against him. "... Because, even if I lose you like all the others, I want to know that you'll be waiting for me in the next world."
I kissed him then, sucking gently on his bottom lip, pressing into his softness. I felt his hands run beneath my shirt, up onto my back, his cold hands sending shivers through my spine. I sighed against him, and felt him take my breath into himself. "I won't have to. I'm not going to die in this place."
"Will you live for me?" he asked harshly, a strain of urgency in his voice.
"Yes," I whispered. And then he took me in his arms again and held me against his body. We were both shivering and shaking, our sopping bodies clinging to each other in the darkness. As we huddled there, partaking of each other's warmth, my sorrow began to flood back, filling me with longing and despair. Somehow it all felt so wrong. There I sat huddled against the person who I longed to love, and longed even more to be loved by when the last person who had loved me freely was no longer able to love anything. He was gone, and in the wake of his death I couldn't even let myself mourn him properly. I was ashamed, but I needed Ran so badly then that all I could do was rest my head against his shoulder as I began to cry again.
He quieted me as I wept, stroking my head, kissing my chilled skin. "I know how it hurts. I won't let you fall. I won't let this destroy you."
I gave a strangled cry. "I... I never got to tell him," I whispered. "I promised I would tell him before he left."
"Tell him what?"
"Everything. About my family and Kase... I promised him I'd tell him. And I never got to. What am I doing? I can't stand feeling this way!" I cried softly. As I pressed myself harder against his body and I felt his hands tighten in response, something stirred within me and the heat of my body grew. The smell of his rain-washed skin was intoxicating. I raised my head, pushing upwards, kissing the nape of his neck, trailing one hand down the side on his face. "Take me away from here," I whispered into his ear. "Make me feel... anything, anything but this."
He quivered in my arms, sucking his breath sharply through his teeth and pushed me back, seeking my eyes through the darkness and the rain. I saw the surprise in his eyes, the trepidation, and the uncertainty. He touched my face tenderly. "What are you asking of me?" he asked, confusion darkening his pale features. His eyes fairly glowed in the darkness.
I put my hand over his and brought it to my lips, kissing his wrist. "Whatever you can give," I answered, grasping his shoulders, leaning back, pulling him back with me until I lay pressed against the flooding earth staring up into the rain, and he braced himself above me. He stared down at me, dumbstruck, and I could see the ebb and flow of emotions play across his face. Somewhere along the way he had lost his passive mask, and I was glad of it. I savored knowing I could cause such turmoil within him.
"We can't... I won't do... Not here, not like thi-." He managed.
I reached up and touched his face, staring at him, savoring the beauty of his features as the rain dripped from the ends of his hair. "Whatever you can give," I repeated softly.
He shook his head, starting to pull away, suddenly gruff. "I can't take advantage of you like this," he growled.
I grasped his shoulder, pulling him back. "You aren't! Please, Ran, I don't care what you do, just be with me. Kiss me, touch me, it doesn't matter; just let me get lost in you. Take me away from this hell!" I know my voice betrayed my desperation, but I didn't care. I was far beyond the point of having any pride left. "Don't leave me."
He didn't say another word, only bent and took my mouth with his again. He took me out of Nam with his body. His kisses were soft and achingly long, slow and premeditated. I'd never been kissed like that, not by Kase, not by anyone. His touches sent shivers through my body, his nails scraping softly against my wet skin as my heart danced inside of my chest, pounding dully against my ribs until everything ached, sweet torture. When his touches turned to caresses it felt as if I might die by his hands. Everywhere he touched me fire flared and spread until I thought I would burn despite the rain. I tried my best to reciprocate his divine attentions, but I shook so badly that it was all I could do to cling to him feverishly. At his hands I found paradise among the wretched for the first time.
Looking back on it now I realize that a muddy, rain drenched training field in the middle of the night on an army base in the middle of another country is not the most opportune place to have your first amorous encounter with anyone. Nor was my state of mind really conducive to making the kinds of decisions I did that night, but even knowing what I know now I wouldn't change a thing.
At some point the rain stopped long enough for the stars to come out. It was right about this time that we came back to our senses, ceased our attentions to each other and lay trembling on the mud slicked earth. I must have looked a fright, tear stained, soaked to the bone, and caked in mud. Ran never said anything. Admittedly he couldn't have looked much better. Eventually he stood and pulled me to my feet, kissing me again, more possessively this time as if to seal what we had shared.
It was then, as we broke from the last kiss of the first encounter, as he took my hand in his and laced our finger together before smiling and whispering my name in my ear, that I realized I would love him forever. A blessing and a curse.
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Afterthoughts: Oh, so sappy and cheesey. I hope it wasn't too random. I have had this whole thing planned out since the very beginning, so... I hope it worked. Mouuu. Ok, well I got now.
*points at review button* DO IT!!!