Diclaimer: *points at slew of previous disclaimers*
Comments: HolymarymotherofGod this took so incredibly long to write! I am sooooo, sorry! I know it's been like two weeks or something, maybe more, I can't remember! Anyway, I was just really out of it after I finished that last chapter. I'd had the whole thing all worked out in my head, just about up to that point so I was so happy when I got there. And then I realized that even though I had a general idea what happened next and up to the end, I was mostly clueless as far as specifics went. So I had to go back into brainstorming mode and then my writer's block, Hans the Sweaty Bavarian, decided to drop by for a visit. And then there's this stuff called work... yeah, so I'm really sorry, but the break was needed. Hopefully I'll be more speedy with the next update, but... I make no promises. School is getting to be a bitch and midterms are coming up. So hang in there. I'll get this done eventually. Anyway enjoy the chapter for what it's worth!! Review please! They help keep me motivated! Oh, and since it took me so long to get this done I didn't have it beta'ed so just deal with my typos. I read it over, but typos happen. Later.
__________________________________________________________________
I wasn't allowed to return to active teaching duty for another week. Lieutenant Kudou decided that I needed a break after my breakdown, so I was grounded. I didn't really mind, there wasn't all that much to do, most of the other soldiers were helping out with the reconstruction efforts in Sang Cho-na. Since only the lower bar room had been destroyed and none of the foundation really damaged it was assumed that Willy Ng's would reopen. There was a pole going around base as to how long it would take. Most were giving it a month or less. It was hard for me to think about. Special Forces started filtering into base after the bombing. It was their job to sniff out the VCs, but if you asked me it was too little too late. I was questioned several times about my interaction with Nagi that day, but neither he nor any of the other VC agents were ever found.
Sometimes at night I would dream that he was in front of me. I could feel my hands slip around his scrawny neck as I squeezed the life out of him. I wanted someone to pay for what had happened to Omi. I didn't care if he'd tried to save my life. I would dream those dreams of revenge and always wake up crying.
It was nights like those that Ran saved me. It was as if he knew everything, was attuned to every heartache, every pain in my body. Inevitably, when I woke in the night, shaking in anger and sorrow, he would stir and slip silently from his bunk to curl against me. I could feel him gently pull back my blanket and slide softly inside with, the warmth of his body comforting me, filling me with longing. During those nights I was so needy... I would latch onto him, sobbing silently into the fabric of his white t-shirt while he held me. We could not speak, we could not move, we could only lie beside each other Ran's body silently promising to be gone by morning. I would steal tiny kisses, never able to control myself, wanting to play that dangerous game. But he was much more careful than I could ever have been, and I was secretly glad of it. He would stop my advances, holding me so tightly that I could not move, or pressing his fingers to my lips.
Some of those early nights he would come to me even as I slept and curl against my back, staying outside of the covers. He would trace patterns on my chest with his idle fingers, and bury his face in my hair. We never made any noise, we could not afford to. If we'd ever been caught... well... you could be court marshaled for that kind of stuff. But the excitement of the forbidden nature of my feelings for Ran only made our stolen moments that much sweeter.
During the days we avoided each other. It was easier that way, then nothing could slip, no look could be noticed, no unconscious touch seen and reported. Besides that it was awkward. There were still so many unanswered questions, so many uncertainties, and so much confusion. We needed to talk, but there was nowhere and no time to do so. Even if I was grounded to base for the week, Ran wasn't. He still had to go to Sang Cho- na to teach those three days, and when he wasn't teaching he was helping with the clean up or accompanying transports to the larger medical facilities to the north. In a way it was a relief not having to be near him, like I said it gave me time to think.
The last day I was stuck on base Ran had flown out to fly gunner with a transport to one of the medical bases to the north. I'd spent most of the day after training was over lying on my back, staring at the bottom of Ran's bunk. It was, as usual that time of year, raining. The rain washed up against the grimy window panes and fell relentlessly on the slat board roof. Various leaks wept rain water into the barracks, and in some places it even pooled against the wall. Everything was damp. God I hated it. I had to get up.
Pulling on my camo fatigues I began to make my bunk, bending low to bury my nose in the thin pillow where Ran's head had lain the night before. I sighed as I straightened once again, glad that the bunk house was empty. I was surprised when I heard someone call my name.
"Yo, Hidaka!" It was Max. I hadn't talked to him much lately. I hadn't talked to anyone much lately. "I thought I might find you here."
I turned and appraised him warily. Ever since things had started with Ran I felt like I had to constantly be on guard. Especially around Schuldich. He knew about Ran, and obviously held it over him. It wouldn't take much for Schu to put pieces together, or even just make them up himself on the off chance he was right. Still, I liked Schuldich, and I couldn't believe that he would be openly malicious for no reason. If Schuldich had a problem he was the kind of guy who would come and say it, backstabbing wasn't his style. He may have known about Ran and used his knowledge to wheedle him and push him around a little bit, but when it came down to it I don't think Max would have really gotten anybody in trouble. He liked to play mind games, it was all just a bit of fun to him. Even so, I knew that mind games were the last thing I needed right then.
"Hey, Schu. What do you want?" I sighed, leaning against the bed and crossing my arms across my chest.
"You on a silver plate," he quipped, tossing his head cockily and grinning that wicked, lopsided grin. Since neither he nor Farf were allowed off base at the time he was one of the few other members of the 326th who were hanging around.
I rolled my eyes and answered hollowly, "Tempting, but I'll pass."
"Oh c'mon, Nippy, being kept out of the village I'm getting kinda held down. Feelin' kinda desperate," he went on, coming to lean against the bunk post beside me. His narrow, sharply green eyes smiled at me dangerously. I was too tired to play these little games with Schu.
"Ha ha, ok very funny. Now what do you really want, Max?" I asked, shifting my body weight towards him.
He shrugged, the amusement fading from his face. "Nothing, just bored. The longer we're stuck on base the more psychotic Jei is getting, so I figured I'd take a break from him. I think not being able to shoot things is really getting to him." He chuckled perversely and sat down on the bunk across from me. "Cabin fever is setting in."
I snorted softly and stared at my feet, for some reason I didn't like making eye contact with Schuldich. It was as if he was always trying to get into my head, peel away the layers and see what lay beneath. He was always like that, like it was second nature.
The silence hung between us like a shroud. It made the air in the barracks heavy and oppressive. I wished that he'd just say what he wanted and go, or at least stop looking at me like that.
"So, Hidaka..."
"So, Schuldich."
"How are you anyway? Enjoying the war yet?" He chuckled softly.
"Not fucking likely," I hissed, running my hand through my hair.
"It's too bad, really. I liked that kid. He played a mean game of poker. Heh, guess it'll be a relief to be able to keep some of my cigarettes now though. I heard the scene was pretty brutal. I guess for once I'm glad I was grounded or else I'd probably be in several pieces by now too. I guess what they say is true: 'life's a bitch and then you die,' huh Hidaka?" he said, looking up at me from the bed, clasping his hands together. Schuldich was the last person I wanted to get into this with.
"I guess so," I answered flatly, narrowing my eyes. Schuldich was treading on dangerous territory, and I knew he was doing it on purpose. For whatever reason he wanted to get me riled. It must have been the boredom.
Once again we fell silent. Unable to think of anything to say, I just stood there, arms folded, doing my best not to look at Schu.
"I bet you wish now that you'd let me kill that Gook kid." The comment came out of nowhere. His voice was flat and icy, digging through my skin, ripping away bone and muscle until it froze my very core. Was he right? Should I have minded my own business and let Schuldich and Farfarello kill Nagi? It would have made things so much easier, so much simpler if Nagi had never even happened. If it was true that Nagi had gleaned information for the VC forces in the area during his short stay at the base, then it was my fault for bringing him there. I was the one who made that choice... but what choice did I have?! I didn't know he was a VC, and even if I had I wouldn't have let him die like that. Even though now I longed for vengeance, dreamed of his death at my own hands... I could never have left him behind then to bleed to death.
I felt cold fingers dance up my spine and I balked, turning away from Schuldich's watchful eyes. Guilt swept over me and for the umpteenth time in a week I felt like curling into a tiny ball and dying. I wished silently that Ran was there to steady me, but he wasn't. It was just me, Schu, and the truth. It was my fault, all those deaths, all that damage, and all the wasted funds. I wished that night had never happened. That stupid night... Schuldich's fucking night!
The thought struck me so fast that I think I actually jerked.
That's right... Nagi wasn't my fault, he was Schuldich's. It was Schu who had organized our little sortie and it was he who had shot the Vietnamese boy. If it was anyone's fault that he had been brought onto base it was Max's! I couldn't be blamed for having compassion, could I? Just because I was the one who physically brought him onto base, didn't mean that I was the one who caused that necessity! Little sparks of anger danced through my body and I squeezed my eyes shut, balling my fists together. "I refuse to feel guilty for bringing that boy here," I hissed between my clenched teeth.
I could hear Schuldich shift on the bunk. "What was that?"
I snapped my head around and opened my eyes, glaring at him. "I said I refuse to feel guilty for what happened with Nagi! You're the one who shot him, god damn it! If you had never gotten us to steal the Jeep that night then none of this would have ever happened! I won't feel guilty. I didn't do anything wrong. I won't let you play your little games with me, Schuldich, because it's not my fault!" I was nearly screaming by the time I was done. It felt so good to say those words, yet even as I said them a part of me wouldn't believe them. A part of me still blamed myself, a part of me always will.
Schu sat there looking up at me passively for a few moments and then furrowed his brows and stood. He took two steps towards me until he was right in my face. I could feel his breath on my skin and smell the slightly tangy odor of his sweat mixed with military issue soap. He smiled at me slowly and then drew back, surprising me. I had been ready for his rebuttal, but none came. Instead he just smiled broadly and ruffled my hair.
"Glad you see it that way. So you can stop beating yourself up over it. I'm sick of watching you wallow in self loathing, it's disgusting. What happened happened. This is a war, Hidaka, shit happens. You aren't to blame for what happened in Willy Ng's. Probably nobody is. That fuckin' Gook kid probably never got the chance to look around this place, how could he? He was locked up in the infirmary. And even if he did, it's not your fault anyway. It's probably mine. I'm just too callous to care," he said and then turned away. I watched his back make its way down the isle between the bunks, his long red hair swaying slightly with his cocky gait.
I never understood Max Wolff. One minute I thought he was the biggest bastard the world could ever have conceived of. And the next... he goes and says something like that. It made me realize that no matter what Schuldich said he wasn't too callous to care.
As I heard the bunk house door open and shut I realized that the rain had stopped. I blinked slowly and then shook my head.
Confused and slightly aggravated I went back to making my bunk. I was just pulling the top edge straight when I heard the chopper blades overhead. The transport was back... Ran was back. I decided to meet them at the field, there was nothing better to do.
By the time I made it to the landing field the choppers were just powering down their blades, the last few dull rotations making their way through the air. I was surprised to see so many people crowding around one of the Iroquois. Two nurses were standing a few paces back from the open side door giving each other nervous glances. I saw Kudou and Lt. Commander Crawford among the small group of people who were standing at the door. I couldn't make out anything that was being said, and I didn't want to move closer, afraid that I would only hinder whatever procedure was being executed. It seemed as if they were waiting, coaxing something or someone out of the ship.
Then suddenly the small crowd parted and I saw Ran hop down from the chopper and haul someone after him. It took me a moment to figure out who it was, but then I caught the familiar flash of dark hair beneath a private's hat. It was Swanny. It must have been, but he didn't seem right. A shiver of fear went down my spine as I eyed the nurses warily. Had he been injured? On a simple transport flight to a larger medical base? Didn't seem likely. Yet I could tell that he was barely able to support himself, his whole body shook and Ran had to keep one hand under his arm to keep him from falling to his knees. What the hell was going on? As soon as Ran and Swanny cleared the chopper the nurses moved in, taking Swanny under the arms and slowly leading him away towards the infirmary. Crawford and Kudou descended upon Ran, gesturing and talking rapidly.
Ran shook his head, pointing back towards the helicopter. I was surprised at how shaken he looked. It wasn't like him to show what he felt. A few moments later the pilot, a guy I recognized as being Mitchell, detangled himself from the UH-1 and came to talk with the others. There was obviously more discussion taking place. Mitchell shook his head and spoke slowly. I hung back by the hangar, not wanting to interrupt their conference, not wanting to seem over eager.
Ran noticed me. His indigo eyes flashed up, doing a small double take when he saw me standing there. He looked so... relieved? I don't know if that's the word, but there was something in his eyes when he saw me and it made my pulse quicken. He drew his eyes back to the conversation, but as it went on he kept looking up at me with quick little darts of his eyes as if to make sure I wasn't going anywhere. Or maybe because he just liked looking at me.
A few moments later the little conference ended abruptly as Crawford threw his arms in the air and stalked off. Mitchell shrugged and waved the other two away, walking back to finish securing the helicopter. Kudou moved towards Ran as if to say something more, but Ran blew him off, giving him a cursory salute and then headed straight towards me.
As he came closer I could see how weary he looked. His shoulders sagged forward and his eyes were dull and hollow. What the hell had happened?! He didn't stop to greet me or explain, only bumped against my shoulder and murmured. "Come with me."
Stealing one last glance over my shoulder at the Lieutenant, I was slightly chagrinned to see that he was still watching us. I turned away quickly and jogged after Fujimiya. He made a bee line for the barracks, but to my surprise he did not push through the bunk house door, instead he kept walking around the corner of the building and down the narrow ally between our bunk house and the next. It was where he had found me reading my letters. The place he first told me to find something to live for.
He said nothing, and I could not think of anything intelligent to say either so silence was our companion. He gave me a long, appraising look, his deep, sad eyes falling halfway closed, and then sighed heavily, sitting down on the wood pile. He dropped his head into his hands and sat there unmoving. "Oh, fuck ..." he whispered. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what he wanted me to do. I'd never really seen him like this before. I wanted to reach out to him, but I didn't know if that's what he wanted.
I took a few steps closer and came to stand in front of his bent form. Hastily stealing a glance down either side of the alley I lifted a trembling hand and ran it gently over the top of his head. I had intended only to linger for a moment. We couldn't afford to take stupid chances. But when he looked up at my touch his eyes made me stay close and I trailed my hand gently down his pale cheek, surprised at how cool his skin was. "What is it?" I asked quietly.
He reached up and I thought he was going to push my hand away. I expected him to keep me in line, but to my surprise he only placed his hand over mine, drawing it away slowly. He looked into my eyes, searching for something and I didn't have the presence of mind to wonder what. I remember how I blushed as he laced his fingers with mine, connecting our bodies as if it was nothing, as if we were just any two people. Even though the base was practically deserted due to all the effort being put into Sang Cho-na, I felt a knot of anxiety tighten in the pit of my stomach. A part of me wanted to pull my hand away, to hide this from the world again. I was so afraid of being caught. But the look in his eyes stopped me from pulling away, and so I just stood there, my arm hanging limply at my side as he held my hand in his.
"Swanny lost it mid way back on the transport. I've never seen anything like it. One minute he was sitting co and the next he was freaking out. He kept saying there was blood all over the console and that the commies knew where we were. He kept saying that it was 'all over' him. He almost throttled Mitchell... I... I had to hold him down. I was afraid he was going to throw himself out of the helicopter. I was so scared, Ken." The last utterance was but a whisper and I didn't understand what he meant.
"Ran... I don't understand. Scared of what? What could frighten -you-, Steel Nerves Fujimiya?" I quipped, trying to smile at him.
"I was scared for you. Scared that... that the same thing could happen. I could lose you to yourself, Ken. Please tell me, tell me what I can do to keep you safe. Whatever it takes, I won't let you end up like that. Tell me what to do," he pleaded.
His words pulled at my heart. Never in my life had I felt so loved by anyone. I squeezed his fingers gently and smiled. "You're doing it."
He sat speechless, staring up into my eyes, seeking the truth. I let him find what he wanted and reached out to touch his face. His skin felt unearthly soft beneath my fingertips. I whispered his name and then began to pull away. But before I could he reached behind my back with his free hand and drew me towards him. He made a small choking sound and buried his face in my stomach, nuzzling against me, kissing me through the fabric of my shirt.
"Oh, Ken," he murmured. "This is insane. It's been so long. Two years is so fucking long... I want to get out of this place. I want out, Ken. Two years of this torture, isn't that enough? I want to get out before I lose you."
"I'm not going anywhere," I replied a bit harshly. I was so nervous that someone was going to come around the corner wanting to smoke a cigarette and find us there. Yet a part of me was responding to his insistent attentions. A slow heat spread through my body. I felt him release my fingers and run his hand up my thigh until it strayed at the hem of my shirt. His other hand did the same, slowly pushing up the white fabric until a small patch of my skin was exposed. This he kissed softly, pulling me towards him with his hands, gripping my hips, starting a rocking motion. I blushed furiously, and raised my hands, intent on pushing him away, but instead found them acting of their own accord, running through his fine hair. Even my mouth betrayed me uttering a soft moan as I felt his tongue explore the crevice of my navel.
"Ran, we can't do this here, someone will see," I pleaded, tugging on his hair.
"What the fuck do I care?" he grate. He breathed softly against my skin, trailing kisses across my abdomen. "You smell so good, Hidaka. Oh, Jesus, I want you so badly," he breathed.
A wave of heated shame flushed through my body and I pulled back slightly. "Ran, please. Stop this."
He sighed heavily, tickling my flesh with his warm breath. "I know," he grumbled, pressing forward and nipping me sharply, "I know we can't, but..." he groaned softly, kneading my body with his strong hands, gently kissing the place where he'd bitten me. "Being so close is killing me."
"Ran!" I said sharply, squirming under his amorous attentions. I was beginning to like the way he was making me feel too much for my own good. If he couldn't be the strong one then there was almost no hope for me. "No, don't start this here!" I snapped, trying to twist away.
He paused a hair's breadth, his lips lingering on my skin and then pulled back sharply, pushing me away. I stumbled backwards with a small cry and tugged down the hem of my shirt, covering my skin which was cooling quickly as the air hit the remnants of his kisses. I watched him wipe the back of his hand across his mouth before he buried his face in his hands again. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," he grumbled.
I hadn't meant to push him away. More than anything I wanted to hold him close to me, to warm him with the heat of my body, and comfort him in my arms. But this wasn't the time or the place. Being caught like that... we would have both been dishonorably discharged so fast... considering our cases maybe it wouldn't seem like such a big deal. We'd get to go home right? Not likely. We'd have been court marshaled for insubordination first, and even if we'd escape punishment and simply been sent home things like this don't come off your record. Try getting a normal job, a loan, a house, anything when you have 'Dishonorable Military Discharge: Homosexual' stamped across your life.
I hugged myself, crossing my arms across my chest. "Don't be sorry. I want you to. I want... I want to be with you, but we can't. Not here. We aren't safe here, you should know that. And besides, things are kinda... confusing still. It's too much; we need to talk, Ran. I need to know what you want from me."
At this he looked up and smiled vaguely. "I don't want anything from you. I just want you. I'm sorry if I'm pushing, but everyday I am so afraid that I'll lose this the next. I want to make sure I make as much of this as I can when I can, just in case..."
"I understand. I just need to sort through all of this. Two weeks ago... I never even imagined that you would feel..." I trailed off, blushing and hiding my eyes.
He stood up and came to stand before me. Once again he threw caution to the winds and pulled me into his arms, holding me against his chest. I could feel his even breathing and the beating of his heart. Little shivers of pleasure went through my skin as he stroked my back. "I'm sorry that it took what it did for me to tell you," he murmured in my ear.
Knowing that I could not bring myself to pull away from him a second time I lay my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. The sound of his body lulled me into calmness and I sighed softly against his neck. It was then that I realized that Ran had never -told- me anything. And neither had I for that matter. We had never uttered any words of affection or admission. I lifted my head and looked into his eyes, drawn in by their infinite depths.
"Ran, I haven't told you that I l-" but he didn't allow me to finish.
"Don't!" he cried hastily, shaking his head. I didn't understand the fear in his eyes. "Don't tell me, Ken. Show me, it's enough. It will have to be. If we don't say it... maybe they won't take you away from me," he whispered. "Don't ask me to tell you the way I feel..."
"Ran..." His name left my lips as little more than a whisper. He scared me sometimes. His wounds must have run so deep and I wondered how much of them he would let me see. Would he let me touch his soul? I brushed the hair from his eyes and then kissed his lips softly. It was so thrilling to touch him like that.
It took us both a moment to realize that we were in danger of being caught again. We broke apart, pushing each other away at the same time, both stepping back sheepishly, and averting our eyes. I can't tell you how glad I was when no more than five seconds later I heard Schuldich.
"Fujimiya, you red-head, pole smoking ass, where the hell are you?" He came around the corner, glancing briefly down the narrow corridor between the two buildings and jumped when he saw us. "There you are. What the fuck are you doing back here? I've been looking all over base since I heard. Is it fucking true? Swanny went section eight on the ride?"
Ran turned away from me, putting his hands in his pockets. I kept staring at the ground, I knew my face was still flushed. Of course Ran was already the perfect model of control again. I envied him that.
"Yeah, it's true," Ran responded dully, no emotion betrayed in his voice.
Schuldich snorted. "Gee thanks, how terribly informative of you. What the hell happened, Ranny?!"
"How the fuck should I know, Max?" Ran snapped. "One second he was fine and the next he was a freakin' nut ball. We got him back to base, so it's not my problem anymore."
I didn't like the tone in Ran's voice. It was so cold and uncaring, yet I knew that that wasn't how he truly felt. I knew he was shaken and scared, I knew it was still his problem. I hated the fact that he could lie about it so easily. It scared me shitless to know he was that good of an actor. All that time spent covering up the pain had taken its toll and done its job well.
"Not your problem? What a fucked up thing to say, Fujimiya," Schu said coldly, shaking his head slowly. After a moment he shrugged and chuckled. "Maybe it isn't anyway. Well I guess maybe it's to be expected. You do such a nice job of closing yourself off, and it's probably better that way, you know. We wouldn't want your curse spreading to the peripherals, Fuji. Although, seeing as you were the one who was there with Swanny after the bombing (at least that's what I heard) and on the ride with him now... maybe it's too late," Schu said in mock thought.
Ran didn't move, he just stood there, glaring at Schu, solid as stone.
Shculdich chuckled, "You know I'm just fucking with you, Randy-boy. No need to give me that look. So you think he's permanently gone or do you think he'll snap to?"
Ran shrugged slowly. "I think he'll be ok. After they get him all doped up on benzo or something. That seems to be the way everyone deals with their problems these days." He didn't turn his head to look at me, but I knew the comment was directed as much at me as at Schuldich, and I didn't understand. What had happened? A moment ago Ran had been my refuge. He'd been warm and gentle, begged me not to lose myself to my demons, and now... what? Why was he so cold? Maybe it was just a show for Schu so that it would seem as if nothing had changed between us, but even so that comment was not necessary and the stinging of it would be lost on Schu. He knew nothing of that night and my dependency. That comment was meant for me alone. And it was meant to cut me as deeply as it did.
I lifted my head and glared at the back of Fujimiya's head. I fought the urge to punch him. I hadn't lost all my dignity. I should at least be able to stand up for myself.
Schuldich didn't notice the comment or its effect. After a moment of silence he just shook his head again and yawned. "I guess that's true. Well, thanks, Fujimiya, you've been delightfully non-helpful. Maybe Mitchell will have more to say on the matter. Catch you two later. Don't let him corner you, Hidaka, you might get a nasty surprise," he said flippantly, giggling to himself as he turned and waved us both off. "Ciao."
When the sound of his footsteps had receded into nothing I sighed softly and then turned my attention back to Ran. I noticed that his hands were balled into fists as he stood, unmoving, staring down the corridor.
"This is so fucked," he hissed. I don't know if he'd meant me to hear or not, but seeing as I did I decided to answer.
I took a step towards him and put my hand on his shoulder. "I know, Ran," I said softly. I could forgive him for his cutting comment, I knew he was hurting.
His head snapped around. The look he gave me was almost physical. His eyes were so angry that I felt myself wince beneath their cold glare. I hadn't seen his eyes like that since the first time we met, when he'd clocked Farf in the bunk house. I wanted to pull away from them, to hide from their painful intensity, but there was nowhere to go. It seemed that I had let Ran corner me, and Schu was right.
"No you don't. You don't know anything. You don't get it, Hidaka," the words oozed out between his lips like bile. I could taste them, feel them choking me.
"Ran..." His name slid from my mouth, worried and hurt. I tried to reach up to touch his face and chase that cold mask away, but he slapped it away, and then shrugged my other hand off his shoulder.
"Just forget about it," he said flatly and then turned, walking away to leave me alone.
I stood there, uncomprehending and confused for several moments. The longer I stood there the greater my anger grew, and I was glad that it was anger that came and not the all too familiar pangs of grief. I didn't want anymore sorrow. I had enough. I'd rather have hated Ran right then than let his sudden change hurt me. Of course it didn't matter what I wanted. Even if the anger came, the hurt came right along with it. Maybe it was buried, maybe it wasn't the first thing I focused on, but it was there. I just couldn't understand what had happened. Was it Schuldich's words? Had they angered him so much that he let that anger reflect onto me? Or had he suddenly realized how foolish he and I were, decided that he wasn't going to risk getting burned again?
Groaning in frustration I stalked down the narrow alley and out into the daylight. I found myself subconsciously touching my stomach and realized that my skin still tingled from Ran's amorous attentions. I growled at myself for being an idiot and continued my stalking. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew that I didn't want to be anywhere near the barracks. Maybe mess was open early... maybe Manx and Birman were up for a chat. I could get another bottle of pills... I caught myself and laughed dryly without humor. I guess Ran was right after all.
I snorted at myself and kept on walking. Before I knew it I found myself on the training field throwing stones at nothing in particular. It felt good. Besides training itself it was the most physical activity I'd had in over a week, which was sad, but true. I was so caught up in my little tantrum that I didn't notice the approach of Lieutenant Commander Crawford until he was almost on top of me.
"It helps, doesn't it?" I heard his languid, drawling voice say from somewhere behind me.
With a start I'd let my last stone fly, sending it off at a crazy angle. I turned around and tried to gather myself into a salute. "S-sir!"
He stood there, holding a cigarette to his lips, his uniform messily thrown together, his hair sticking out at odd angles. He looked for all the world like he'd been having a tantrum too. He raised one eyebrow at me as he took a drag on his cigarette and then slowly exhaled in my direction. "Put you hand down, private."
I let my hand fall limply to my side and stared at him uncertainly. Crawford was probably the last person I figured I'd see out there. Not that I'd been planning on seeing anyone at all.
He grinned at me half heartedly and made a broad gesture in the air with his cigarette hand, smoke swirling in intricate patterns before him. "Still beating yourself up about what happened in Sang Cho-na? About your little friend and that Vietnamese boy?"
I wasn't sure exactly what Crawford wanted me to say. It was almost as hard to tell what he was thinking as it was to tell what Ran was thinking. I looked away. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"Yeah, yeah," he sighed.
I took a deep breath and then looked up to meet his eyes. Again that weird John Lennon feeling. "I know that I've caused nothing but trouble since I got here. I'm sorry I've been such a pain in your ass, but I've decided that I can't feel responsible for what happened. I had no choice regarding that boy. He'd been negligently injured by a member of the US army, and my conscience wouldn't let me leave him to die. I know that the repercussions of my actions are severe, but... knowing what I knew at the time, there's no other course of action I could have taken. I do not feel that I am to blame, sir."
He rolled his eyes. "Oh fuck, Hidaka, no one's blaming you. Shit if more of the ass-holes here were... were... well like you maybe we'd be winning this war. Maybe we'd get some support from home since we wouldn't be killing Gook babies and women. What are you anyway, Hidaka? Honest? Good willed? What?"
"I don't know, sir," I said softly.
"I'm not saying that what happened hasn't caused a whole big mess, cause it has. We've got special forces in here, we've got military investigators, green berets, not to mention the mess in the village. Fuck, the paper work is never ending. Yeah, I'll never live this one down. If anyone's to blame, Hidaka, it's me. I should have dumped that little Gook's ass back onto the road before he cold count to three when you brought him in here. You're heart was in the right place, but I was just stupid. Even if he had nothing to do with what happened, which I think we know isn't the case, just his being here is enough coincidental evidence to get every official within chopper distance in here with pitch forks screaming 'sabotage,' 'treason,' 'bloody murder!' And you know who all those pitch forks are aimed at, Hidaka?"
I shook my head, even though I knew damn well who.
"Me. Because I'm supposed to be in charge. This is my show. Four generations of Military officials in my family and they are launching an official investigation into my 'involvement' with the Sang Cho-na bombing. My 'involvement.' After all it was -my- Jeep that was crashed and I let the boy stay for medical treatment in -my- infirmary. I mean, I suppose it -could- all be some elaborate plan. Fucking bureaucrats. Like I'm some kind of fucking traitor," he paused here and snorted. I wondered why he was telling me all this. It was making me feel more and more guilty by the second. I didn't know if that was his true purpose, but I didn't think so. He took another drag and ran a hand through his dark hair. "And now this shit with Swanny, and he's not even the only one. This place is going to hell in a hand basket. And you know what? Even if they don't end up finding anything with this investigation of theirs, I'll probably end up tried for Negligence of Duty or something like that. After all they can't catch the VCs responsible, so they'll have to blame somebody to keep the home front happy. We don't want those damn hippies getting a hold of anymore excuses to throw rallies. Heaven forbid. That's what I hate about this war, Hidaka. It's got nothing to do with fighting for our beliefs anymore. It's just one big political crock of shit."
"S-sir..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say to him.
He took another drag and then waved his hand dismissively. "Well, just forget about it. You've been a delightful sounding board for my ranting, thank you. It's not your problem anymore, Hidaka. You're heading back into the village tomorrow, so make sure you're ready. Dismissed, soldier."
"Yes, sir," I said. I walked past him and off the field, glancing once over my shoulder to see that he was still standing there, smoking by himself. That image of him is still with me, it's the one I carry with me, because it just summed him up. I can't say that I ever really understood the Lt. commander, but that's probably how it was supposed to be.
__________________________________________________________________
Afterthoughts: Random stopping spot. Well, not really. It will all flow. I hope. Bleh. I need to take a nap. Hope you enjoyed. Review or else I will smite you!! SMITE YOU!!!!
Comments: HolymarymotherofGod this took so incredibly long to write! I am sooooo, sorry! I know it's been like two weeks or something, maybe more, I can't remember! Anyway, I was just really out of it after I finished that last chapter. I'd had the whole thing all worked out in my head, just about up to that point so I was so happy when I got there. And then I realized that even though I had a general idea what happened next and up to the end, I was mostly clueless as far as specifics went. So I had to go back into brainstorming mode and then my writer's block, Hans the Sweaty Bavarian, decided to drop by for a visit. And then there's this stuff called work... yeah, so I'm really sorry, but the break was needed. Hopefully I'll be more speedy with the next update, but... I make no promises. School is getting to be a bitch and midterms are coming up. So hang in there. I'll get this done eventually. Anyway enjoy the chapter for what it's worth!! Review please! They help keep me motivated! Oh, and since it took me so long to get this done I didn't have it beta'ed so just deal with my typos. I read it over, but typos happen. Later.
__________________________________________________________________
I wasn't allowed to return to active teaching duty for another week. Lieutenant Kudou decided that I needed a break after my breakdown, so I was grounded. I didn't really mind, there wasn't all that much to do, most of the other soldiers were helping out with the reconstruction efforts in Sang Cho-na. Since only the lower bar room had been destroyed and none of the foundation really damaged it was assumed that Willy Ng's would reopen. There was a pole going around base as to how long it would take. Most were giving it a month or less. It was hard for me to think about. Special Forces started filtering into base after the bombing. It was their job to sniff out the VCs, but if you asked me it was too little too late. I was questioned several times about my interaction with Nagi that day, but neither he nor any of the other VC agents were ever found.
Sometimes at night I would dream that he was in front of me. I could feel my hands slip around his scrawny neck as I squeezed the life out of him. I wanted someone to pay for what had happened to Omi. I didn't care if he'd tried to save my life. I would dream those dreams of revenge and always wake up crying.
It was nights like those that Ran saved me. It was as if he knew everything, was attuned to every heartache, every pain in my body. Inevitably, when I woke in the night, shaking in anger and sorrow, he would stir and slip silently from his bunk to curl against me. I could feel him gently pull back my blanket and slide softly inside with, the warmth of his body comforting me, filling me with longing. During those nights I was so needy... I would latch onto him, sobbing silently into the fabric of his white t-shirt while he held me. We could not speak, we could not move, we could only lie beside each other Ran's body silently promising to be gone by morning. I would steal tiny kisses, never able to control myself, wanting to play that dangerous game. But he was much more careful than I could ever have been, and I was secretly glad of it. He would stop my advances, holding me so tightly that I could not move, or pressing his fingers to my lips.
Some of those early nights he would come to me even as I slept and curl against my back, staying outside of the covers. He would trace patterns on my chest with his idle fingers, and bury his face in my hair. We never made any noise, we could not afford to. If we'd ever been caught... well... you could be court marshaled for that kind of stuff. But the excitement of the forbidden nature of my feelings for Ran only made our stolen moments that much sweeter.
During the days we avoided each other. It was easier that way, then nothing could slip, no look could be noticed, no unconscious touch seen and reported. Besides that it was awkward. There were still so many unanswered questions, so many uncertainties, and so much confusion. We needed to talk, but there was nowhere and no time to do so. Even if I was grounded to base for the week, Ran wasn't. He still had to go to Sang Cho- na to teach those three days, and when he wasn't teaching he was helping with the clean up or accompanying transports to the larger medical facilities to the north. In a way it was a relief not having to be near him, like I said it gave me time to think.
The last day I was stuck on base Ran had flown out to fly gunner with a transport to one of the medical bases to the north. I'd spent most of the day after training was over lying on my back, staring at the bottom of Ran's bunk. It was, as usual that time of year, raining. The rain washed up against the grimy window panes and fell relentlessly on the slat board roof. Various leaks wept rain water into the barracks, and in some places it even pooled against the wall. Everything was damp. God I hated it. I had to get up.
Pulling on my camo fatigues I began to make my bunk, bending low to bury my nose in the thin pillow where Ran's head had lain the night before. I sighed as I straightened once again, glad that the bunk house was empty. I was surprised when I heard someone call my name.
"Yo, Hidaka!" It was Max. I hadn't talked to him much lately. I hadn't talked to anyone much lately. "I thought I might find you here."
I turned and appraised him warily. Ever since things had started with Ran I felt like I had to constantly be on guard. Especially around Schuldich. He knew about Ran, and obviously held it over him. It wouldn't take much for Schu to put pieces together, or even just make them up himself on the off chance he was right. Still, I liked Schuldich, and I couldn't believe that he would be openly malicious for no reason. If Schuldich had a problem he was the kind of guy who would come and say it, backstabbing wasn't his style. He may have known about Ran and used his knowledge to wheedle him and push him around a little bit, but when it came down to it I don't think Max would have really gotten anybody in trouble. He liked to play mind games, it was all just a bit of fun to him. Even so, I knew that mind games were the last thing I needed right then.
"Hey, Schu. What do you want?" I sighed, leaning against the bed and crossing my arms across my chest.
"You on a silver plate," he quipped, tossing his head cockily and grinning that wicked, lopsided grin. Since neither he nor Farf were allowed off base at the time he was one of the few other members of the 326th who were hanging around.
I rolled my eyes and answered hollowly, "Tempting, but I'll pass."
"Oh c'mon, Nippy, being kept out of the village I'm getting kinda held down. Feelin' kinda desperate," he went on, coming to lean against the bunk post beside me. His narrow, sharply green eyes smiled at me dangerously. I was too tired to play these little games with Schu.
"Ha ha, ok very funny. Now what do you really want, Max?" I asked, shifting my body weight towards him.
He shrugged, the amusement fading from his face. "Nothing, just bored. The longer we're stuck on base the more psychotic Jei is getting, so I figured I'd take a break from him. I think not being able to shoot things is really getting to him." He chuckled perversely and sat down on the bunk across from me. "Cabin fever is setting in."
I snorted softly and stared at my feet, for some reason I didn't like making eye contact with Schuldich. It was as if he was always trying to get into my head, peel away the layers and see what lay beneath. He was always like that, like it was second nature.
The silence hung between us like a shroud. It made the air in the barracks heavy and oppressive. I wished that he'd just say what he wanted and go, or at least stop looking at me like that.
"So, Hidaka..."
"So, Schuldich."
"How are you anyway? Enjoying the war yet?" He chuckled softly.
"Not fucking likely," I hissed, running my hand through my hair.
"It's too bad, really. I liked that kid. He played a mean game of poker. Heh, guess it'll be a relief to be able to keep some of my cigarettes now though. I heard the scene was pretty brutal. I guess for once I'm glad I was grounded or else I'd probably be in several pieces by now too. I guess what they say is true: 'life's a bitch and then you die,' huh Hidaka?" he said, looking up at me from the bed, clasping his hands together. Schuldich was the last person I wanted to get into this with.
"I guess so," I answered flatly, narrowing my eyes. Schuldich was treading on dangerous territory, and I knew he was doing it on purpose. For whatever reason he wanted to get me riled. It must have been the boredom.
Once again we fell silent. Unable to think of anything to say, I just stood there, arms folded, doing my best not to look at Schu.
"I bet you wish now that you'd let me kill that Gook kid." The comment came out of nowhere. His voice was flat and icy, digging through my skin, ripping away bone and muscle until it froze my very core. Was he right? Should I have minded my own business and let Schuldich and Farfarello kill Nagi? It would have made things so much easier, so much simpler if Nagi had never even happened. If it was true that Nagi had gleaned information for the VC forces in the area during his short stay at the base, then it was my fault for bringing him there. I was the one who made that choice... but what choice did I have?! I didn't know he was a VC, and even if I had I wouldn't have let him die like that. Even though now I longed for vengeance, dreamed of his death at my own hands... I could never have left him behind then to bleed to death.
I felt cold fingers dance up my spine and I balked, turning away from Schuldich's watchful eyes. Guilt swept over me and for the umpteenth time in a week I felt like curling into a tiny ball and dying. I wished silently that Ran was there to steady me, but he wasn't. It was just me, Schu, and the truth. It was my fault, all those deaths, all that damage, and all the wasted funds. I wished that night had never happened. That stupid night... Schuldich's fucking night!
The thought struck me so fast that I think I actually jerked.
That's right... Nagi wasn't my fault, he was Schuldich's. It was Schu who had organized our little sortie and it was he who had shot the Vietnamese boy. If it was anyone's fault that he had been brought onto base it was Max's! I couldn't be blamed for having compassion, could I? Just because I was the one who physically brought him onto base, didn't mean that I was the one who caused that necessity! Little sparks of anger danced through my body and I squeezed my eyes shut, balling my fists together. "I refuse to feel guilty for bringing that boy here," I hissed between my clenched teeth.
I could hear Schuldich shift on the bunk. "What was that?"
I snapped my head around and opened my eyes, glaring at him. "I said I refuse to feel guilty for what happened with Nagi! You're the one who shot him, god damn it! If you had never gotten us to steal the Jeep that night then none of this would have ever happened! I won't feel guilty. I didn't do anything wrong. I won't let you play your little games with me, Schuldich, because it's not my fault!" I was nearly screaming by the time I was done. It felt so good to say those words, yet even as I said them a part of me wouldn't believe them. A part of me still blamed myself, a part of me always will.
Schu sat there looking up at me passively for a few moments and then furrowed his brows and stood. He took two steps towards me until he was right in my face. I could feel his breath on my skin and smell the slightly tangy odor of his sweat mixed with military issue soap. He smiled at me slowly and then drew back, surprising me. I had been ready for his rebuttal, but none came. Instead he just smiled broadly and ruffled my hair.
"Glad you see it that way. So you can stop beating yourself up over it. I'm sick of watching you wallow in self loathing, it's disgusting. What happened happened. This is a war, Hidaka, shit happens. You aren't to blame for what happened in Willy Ng's. Probably nobody is. That fuckin' Gook kid probably never got the chance to look around this place, how could he? He was locked up in the infirmary. And even if he did, it's not your fault anyway. It's probably mine. I'm just too callous to care," he said and then turned away. I watched his back make its way down the isle between the bunks, his long red hair swaying slightly with his cocky gait.
I never understood Max Wolff. One minute I thought he was the biggest bastard the world could ever have conceived of. And the next... he goes and says something like that. It made me realize that no matter what Schuldich said he wasn't too callous to care.
As I heard the bunk house door open and shut I realized that the rain had stopped. I blinked slowly and then shook my head.
Confused and slightly aggravated I went back to making my bunk. I was just pulling the top edge straight when I heard the chopper blades overhead. The transport was back... Ran was back. I decided to meet them at the field, there was nothing better to do.
By the time I made it to the landing field the choppers were just powering down their blades, the last few dull rotations making their way through the air. I was surprised to see so many people crowding around one of the Iroquois. Two nurses were standing a few paces back from the open side door giving each other nervous glances. I saw Kudou and Lt. Commander Crawford among the small group of people who were standing at the door. I couldn't make out anything that was being said, and I didn't want to move closer, afraid that I would only hinder whatever procedure was being executed. It seemed as if they were waiting, coaxing something or someone out of the ship.
Then suddenly the small crowd parted and I saw Ran hop down from the chopper and haul someone after him. It took me a moment to figure out who it was, but then I caught the familiar flash of dark hair beneath a private's hat. It was Swanny. It must have been, but he didn't seem right. A shiver of fear went down my spine as I eyed the nurses warily. Had he been injured? On a simple transport flight to a larger medical base? Didn't seem likely. Yet I could tell that he was barely able to support himself, his whole body shook and Ran had to keep one hand under his arm to keep him from falling to his knees. What the hell was going on? As soon as Ran and Swanny cleared the chopper the nurses moved in, taking Swanny under the arms and slowly leading him away towards the infirmary. Crawford and Kudou descended upon Ran, gesturing and talking rapidly.
Ran shook his head, pointing back towards the helicopter. I was surprised at how shaken he looked. It wasn't like him to show what he felt. A few moments later the pilot, a guy I recognized as being Mitchell, detangled himself from the UH-1 and came to talk with the others. There was obviously more discussion taking place. Mitchell shook his head and spoke slowly. I hung back by the hangar, not wanting to interrupt their conference, not wanting to seem over eager.
Ran noticed me. His indigo eyes flashed up, doing a small double take when he saw me standing there. He looked so... relieved? I don't know if that's the word, but there was something in his eyes when he saw me and it made my pulse quicken. He drew his eyes back to the conversation, but as it went on he kept looking up at me with quick little darts of his eyes as if to make sure I wasn't going anywhere. Or maybe because he just liked looking at me.
A few moments later the little conference ended abruptly as Crawford threw his arms in the air and stalked off. Mitchell shrugged and waved the other two away, walking back to finish securing the helicopter. Kudou moved towards Ran as if to say something more, but Ran blew him off, giving him a cursory salute and then headed straight towards me.
As he came closer I could see how weary he looked. His shoulders sagged forward and his eyes were dull and hollow. What the hell had happened?! He didn't stop to greet me or explain, only bumped against my shoulder and murmured. "Come with me."
Stealing one last glance over my shoulder at the Lieutenant, I was slightly chagrinned to see that he was still watching us. I turned away quickly and jogged after Fujimiya. He made a bee line for the barracks, but to my surprise he did not push through the bunk house door, instead he kept walking around the corner of the building and down the narrow ally between our bunk house and the next. It was where he had found me reading my letters. The place he first told me to find something to live for.
He said nothing, and I could not think of anything intelligent to say either so silence was our companion. He gave me a long, appraising look, his deep, sad eyes falling halfway closed, and then sighed heavily, sitting down on the wood pile. He dropped his head into his hands and sat there unmoving. "Oh, fuck ..." he whispered. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what he wanted me to do. I'd never really seen him like this before. I wanted to reach out to him, but I didn't know if that's what he wanted.
I took a few steps closer and came to stand in front of his bent form. Hastily stealing a glance down either side of the alley I lifted a trembling hand and ran it gently over the top of his head. I had intended only to linger for a moment. We couldn't afford to take stupid chances. But when he looked up at my touch his eyes made me stay close and I trailed my hand gently down his pale cheek, surprised at how cool his skin was. "What is it?" I asked quietly.
He reached up and I thought he was going to push my hand away. I expected him to keep me in line, but to my surprise he only placed his hand over mine, drawing it away slowly. He looked into my eyes, searching for something and I didn't have the presence of mind to wonder what. I remember how I blushed as he laced his fingers with mine, connecting our bodies as if it was nothing, as if we were just any two people. Even though the base was practically deserted due to all the effort being put into Sang Cho-na, I felt a knot of anxiety tighten in the pit of my stomach. A part of me wanted to pull my hand away, to hide this from the world again. I was so afraid of being caught. But the look in his eyes stopped me from pulling away, and so I just stood there, my arm hanging limply at my side as he held my hand in his.
"Swanny lost it mid way back on the transport. I've never seen anything like it. One minute he was sitting co and the next he was freaking out. He kept saying there was blood all over the console and that the commies knew where we were. He kept saying that it was 'all over' him. He almost throttled Mitchell... I... I had to hold him down. I was afraid he was going to throw himself out of the helicopter. I was so scared, Ken." The last utterance was but a whisper and I didn't understand what he meant.
"Ran... I don't understand. Scared of what? What could frighten -you-, Steel Nerves Fujimiya?" I quipped, trying to smile at him.
"I was scared for you. Scared that... that the same thing could happen. I could lose you to yourself, Ken. Please tell me, tell me what I can do to keep you safe. Whatever it takes, I won't let you end up like that. Tell me what to do," he pleaded.
His words pulled at my heart. Never in my life had I felt so loved by anyone. I squeezed his fingers gently and smiled. "You're doing it."
He sat speechless, staring up into my eyes, seeking the truth. I let him find what he wanted and reached out to touch his face. His skin felt unearthly soft beneath my fingertips. I whispered his name and then began to pull away. But before I could he reached behind my back with his free hand and drew me towards him. He made a small choking sound and buried his face in my stomach, nuzzling against me, kissing me through the fabric of my shirt.
"Oh, Ken," he murmured. "This is insane. It's been so long. Two years is so fucking long... I want to get out of this place. I want out, Ken. Two years of this torture, isn't that enough? I want to get out before I lose you."
"I'm not going anywhere," I replied a bit harshly. I was so nervous that someone was going to come around the corner wanting to smoke a cigarette and find us there. Yet a part of me was responding to his insistent attentions. A slow heat spread through my body. I felt him release my fingers and run his hand up my thigh until it strayed at the hem of my shirt. His other hand did the same, slowly pushing up the white fabric until a small patch of my skin was exposed. This he kissed softly, pulling me towards him with his hands, gripping my hips, starting a rocking motion. I blushed furiously, and raised my hands, intent on pushing him away, but instead found them acting of their own accord, running through his fine hair. Even my mouth betrayed me uttering a soft moan as I felt his tongue explore the crevice of my navel.
"Ran, we can't do this here, someone will see," I pleaded, tugging on his hair.
"What the fuck do I care?" he grate. He breathed softly against my skin, trailing kisses across my abdomen. "You smell so good, Hidaka. Oh, Jesus, I want you so badly," he breathed.
A wave of heated shame flushed through my body and I pulled back slightly. "Ran, please. Stop this."
He sighed heavily, tickling my flesh with his warm breath. "I know," he grumbled, pressing forward and nipping me sharply, "I know we can't, but..." he groaned softly, kneading my body with his strong hands, gently kissing the place where he'd bitten me. "Being so close is killing me."
"Ran!" I said sharply, squirming under his amorous attentions. I was beginning to like the way he was making me feel too much for my own good. If he couldn't be the strong one then there was almost no hope for me. "No, don't start this here!" I snapped, trying to twist away.
He paused a hair's breadth, his lips lingering on my skin and then pulled back sharply, pushing me away. I stumbled backwards with a small cry and tugged down the hem of my shirt, covering my skin which was cooling quickly as the air hit the remnants of his kisses. I watched him wipe the back of his hand across his mouth before he buried his face in his hands again. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," he grumbled.
I hadn't meant to push him away. More than anything I wanted to hold him close to me, to warm him with the heat of my body, and comfort him in my arms. But this wasn't the time or the place. Being caught like that... we would have both been dishonorably discharged so fast... considering our cases maybe it wouldn't seem like such a big deal. We'd get to go home right? Not likely. We'd have been court marshaled for insubordination first, and even if we'd escape punishment and simply been sent home things like this don't come off your record. Try getting a normal job, a loan, a house, anything when you have 'Dishonorable Military Discharge: Homosexual' stamped across your life.
I hugged myself, crossing my arms across my chest. "Don't be sorry. I want you to. I want... I want to be with you, but we can't. Not here. We aren't safe here, you should know that. And besides, things are kinda... confusing still. It's too much; we need to talk, Ran. I need to know what you want from me."
At this he looked up and smiled vaguely. "I don't want anything from you. I just want you. I'm sorry if I'm pushing, but everyday I am so afraid that I'll lose this the next. I want to make sure I make as much of this as I can when I can, just in case..."
"I understand. I just need to sort through all of this. Two weeks ago... I never even imagined that you would feel..." I trailed off, blushing and hiding my eyes.
He stood up and came to stand before me. Once again he threw caution to the winds and pulled me into his arms, holding me against his chest. I could feel his even breathing and the beating of his heart. Little shivers of pleasure went through my skin as he stroked my back. "I'm sorry that it took what it did for me to tell you," he murmured in my ear.
Knowing that I could not bring myself to pull away from him a second time I lay my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. The sound of his body lulled me into calmness and I sighed softly against his neck. It was then that I realized that Ran had never -told- me anything. And neither had I for that matter. We had never uttered any words of affection or admission. I lifted my head and looked into his eyes, drawn in by their infinite depths.
"Ran, I haven't told you that I l-" but he didn't allow me to finish.
"Don't!" he cried hastily, shaking his head. I didn't understand the fear in his eyes. "Don't tell me, Ken. Show me, it's enough. It will have to be. If we don't say it... maybe they won't take you away from me," he whispered. "Don't ask me to tell you the way I feel..."
"Ran..." His name left my lips as little more than a whisper. He scared me sometimes. His wounds must have run so deep and I wondered how much of them he would let me see. Would he let me touch his soul? I brushed the hair from his eyes and then kissed his lips softly. It was so thrilling to touch him like that.
It took us both a moment to realize that we were in danger of being caught again. We broke apart, pushing each other away at the same time, both stepping back sheepishly, and averting our eyes. I can't tell you how glad I was when no more than five seconds later I heard Schuldich.
"Fujimiya, you red-head, pole smoking ass, where the hell are you?" He came around the corner, glancing briefly down the narrow corridor between the two buildings and jumped when he saw us. "There you are. What the fuck are you doing back here? I've been looking all over base since I heard. Is it fucking true? Swanny went section eight on the ride?"
Ran turned away from me, putting his hands in his pockets. I kept staring at the ground, I knew my face was still flushed. Of course Ran was already the perfect model of control again. I envied him that.
"Yeah, it's true," Ran responded dully, no emotion betrayed in his voice.
Schuldich snorted. "Gee thanks, how terribly informative of you. What the hell happened, Ranny?!"
"How the fuck should I know, Max?" Ran snapped. "One second he was fine and the next he was a freakin' nut ball. We got him back to base, so it's not my problem anymore."
I didn't like the tone in Ran's voice. It was so cold and uncaring, yet I knew that that wasn't how he truly felt. I knew he was shaken and scared, I knew it was still his problem. I hated the fact that he could lie about it so easily. It scared me shitless to know he was that good of an actor. All that time spent covering up the pain had taken its toll and done its job well.
"Not your problem? What a fucked up thing to say, Fujimiya," Schu said coldly, shaking his head slowly. After a moment he shrugged and chuckled. "Maybe it isn't anyway. Well I guess maybe it's to be expected. You do such a nice job of closing yourself off, and it's probably better that way, you know. We wouldn't want your curse spreading to the peripherals, Fuji. Although, seeing as you were the one who was there with Swanny after the bombing (at least that's what I heard) and on the ride with him now... maybe it's too late," Schu said in mock thought.
Ran didn't move, he just stood there, glaring at Schu, solid as stone.
Shculdich chuckled, "You know I'm just fucking with you, Randy-boy. No need to give me that look. So you think he's permanently gone or do you think he'll snap to?"
Ran shrugged slowly. "I think he'll be ok. After they get him all doped up on benzo or something. That seems to be the way everyone deals with their problems these days." He didn't turn his head to look at me, but I knew the comment was directed as much at me as at Schuldich, and I didn't understand. What had happened? A moment ago Ran had been my refuge. He'd been warm and gentle, begged me not to lose myself to my demons, and now... what? Why was he so cold? Maybe it was just a show for Schu so that it would seem as if nothing had changed between us, but even so that comment was not necessary and the stinging of it would be lost on Schu. He knew nothing of that night and my dependency. That comment was meant for me alone. And it was meant to cut me as deeply as it did.
I lifted my head and glared at the back of Fujimiya's head. I fought the urge to punch him. I hadn't lost all my dignity. I should at least be able to stand up for myself.
Schuldich didn't notice the comment or its effect. After a moment of silence he just shook his head again and yawned. "I guess that's true. Well, thanks, Fujimiya, you've been delightfully non-helpful. Maybe Mitchell will have more to say on the matter. Catch you two later. Don't let him corner you, Hidaka, you might get a nasty surprise," he said flippantly, giggling to himself as he turned and waved us both off. "Ciao."
When the sound of his footsteps had receded into nothing I sighed softly and then turned my attention back to Ran. I noticed that his hands were balled into fists as he stood, unmoving, staring down the corridor.
"This is so fucked," he hissed. I don't know if he'd meant me to hear or not, but seeing as I did I decided to answer.
I took a step towards him and put my hand on his shoulder. "I know, Ran," I said softly. I could forgive him for his cutting comment, I knew he was hurting.
His head snapped around. The look he gave me was almost physical. His eyes were so angry that I felt myself wince beneath their cold glare. I hadn't seen his eyes like that since the first time we met, when he'd clocked Farf in the bunk house. I wanted to pull away from them, to hide from their painful intensity, but there was nowhere to go. It seemed that I had let Ran corner me, and Schu was right.
"No you don't. You don't know anything. You don't get it, Hidaka," the words oozed out between his lips like bile. I could taste them, feel them choking me.
"Ran..." His name slid from my mouth, worried and hurt. I tried to reach up to touch his face and chase that cold mask away, but he slapped it away, and then shrugged my other hand off his shoulder.
"Just forget about it," he said flatly and then turned, walking away to leave me alone.
I stood there, uncomprehending and confused for several moments. The longer I stood there the greater my anger grew, and I was glad that it was anger that came and not the all too familiar pangs of grief. I didn't want anymore sorrow. I had enough. I'd rather have hated Ran right then than let his sudden change hurt me. Of course it didn't matter what I wanted. Even if the anger came, the hurt came right along with it. Maybe it was buried, maybe it wasn't the first thing I focused on, but it was there. I just couldn't understand what had happened. Was it Schuldich's words? Had they angered him so much that he let that anger reflect onto me? Or had he suddenly realized how foolish he and I were, decided that he wasn't going to risk getting burned again?
Groaning in frustration I stalked down the narrow alley and out into the daylight. I found myself subconsciously touching my stomach and realized that my skin still tingled from Ran's amorous attentions. I growled at myself for being an idiot and continued my stalking. I didn't know where I was going, I just knew that I didn't want to be anywhere near the barracks. Maybe mess was open early... maybe Manx and Birman were up for a chat. I could get another bottle of pills... I caught myself and laughed dryly without humor. I guess Ran was right after all.
I snorted at myself and kept on walking. Before I knew it I found myself on the training field throwing stones at nothing in particular. It felt good. Besides training itself it was the most physical activity I'd had in over a week, which was sad, but true. I was so caught up in my little tantrum that I didn't notice the approach of Lieutenant Commander Crawford until he was almost on top of me.
"It helps, doesn't it?" I heard his languid, drawling voice say from somewhere behind me.
With a start I'd let my last stone fly, sending it off at a crazy angle. I turned around and tried to gather myself into a salute. "S-sir!"
He stood there, holding a cigarette to his lips, his uniform messily thrown together, his hair sticking out at odd angles. He looked for all the world like he'd been having a tantrum too. He raised one eyebrow at me as he took a drag on his cigarette and then slowly exhaled in my direction. "Put you hand down, private."
I let my hand fall limply to my side and stared at him uncertainly. Crawford was probably the last person I figured I'd see out there. Not that I'd been planning on seeing anyone at all.
He grinned at me half heartedly and made a broad gesture in the air with his cigarette hand, smoke swirling in intricate patterns before him. "Still beating yourself up about what happened in Sang Cho-na? About your little friend and that Vietnamese boy?"
I wasn't sure exactly what Crawford wanted me to say. It was almost as hard to tell what he was thinking as it was to tell what Ran was thinking. I looked away. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"Yeah, yeah," he sighed.
I took a deep breath and then looked up to meet his eyes. Again that weird John Lennon feeling. "I know that I've caused nothing but trouble since I got here. I'm sorry I've been such a pain in your ass, but I've decided that I can't feel responsible for what happened. I had no choice regarding that boy. He'd been negligently injured by a member of the US army, and my conscience wouldn't let me leave him to die. I know that the repercussions of my actions are severe, but... knowing what I knew at the time, there's no other course of action I could have taken. I do not feel that I am to blame, sir."
He rolled his eyes. "Oh fuck, Hidaka, no one's blaming you. Shit if more of the ass-holes here were... were... well like you maybe we'd be winning this war. Maybe we'd get some support from home since we wouldn't be killing Gook babies and women. What are you anyway, Hidaka? Honest? Good willed? What?"
"I don't know, sir," I said softly.
"I'm not saying that what happened hasn't caused a whole big mess, cause it has. We've got special forces in here, we've got military investigators, green berets, not to mention the mess in the village. Fuck, the paper work is never ending. Yeah, I'll never live this one down. If anyone's to blame, Hidaka, it's me. I should have dumped that little Gook's ass back onto the road before he cold count to three when you brought him in here. You're heart was in the right place, but I was just stupid. Even if he had nothing to do with what happened, which I think we know isn't the case, just his being here is enough coincidental evidence to get every official within chopper distance in here with pitch forks screaming 'sabotage,' 'treason,' 'bloody murder!' And you know who all those pitch forks are aimed at, Hidaka?"
I shook my head, even though I knew damn well who.
"Me. Because I'm supposed to be in charge. This is my show. Four generations of Military officials in my family and they are launching an official investigation into my 'involvement' with the Sang Cho-na bombing. My 'involvement.' After all it was -my- Jeep that was crashed and I let the boy stay for medical treatment in -my- infirmary. I mean, I suppose it -could- all be some elaborate plan. Fucking bureaucrats. Like I'm some kind of fucking traitor," he paused here and snorted. I wondered why he was telling me all this. It was making me feel more and more guilty by the second. I didn't know if that was his true purpose, but I didn't think so. He took another drag and ran a hand through his dark hair. "And now this shit with Swanny, and he's not even the only one. This place is going to hell in a hand basket. And you know what? Even if they don't end up finding anything with this investigation of theirs, I'll probably end up tried for Negligence of Duty or something like that. After all they can't catch the VCs responsible, so they'll have to blame somebody to keep the home front happy. We don't want those damn hippies getting a hold of anymore excuses to throw rallies. Heaven forbid. That's what I hate about this war, Hidaka. It's got nothing to do with fighting for our beliefs anymore. It's just one big political crock of shit."
"S-sir..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say to him.
He took another drag and then waved his hand dismissively. "Well, just forget about it. You've been a delightful sounding board for my ranting, thank you. It's not your problem anymore, Hidaka. You're heading back into the village tomorrow, so make sure you're ready. Dismissed, soldier."
"Yes, sir," I said. I walked past him and off the field, glancing once over my shoulder to see that he was still standing there, smoking by himself. That image of him is still with me, it's the one I carry with me, because it just summed him up. I can't say that I ever really understood the Lt. commander, but that's probably how it was supposed to be.
__________________________________________________________________
Afterthoughts: Random stopping spot. Well, not really. It will all flow. I hope. Bleh. I need to take a nap. Hope you enjoyed. Review or else I will smite you!! SMITE YOU!!!!