Disclaimer: There's a whole slew of them back there. *points* They still
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Comments: *pokes head out from under rock* Hello, everybody. Heh heh. Gee... I bet you're all wondering what I've been doing for the past 2 ½ weeks, huh? Please don't throw things at me!! But I'll tell you what I've been doing. I've been sick! Yes I have, oh so very sick, and you can ask Lilas about that, because she witnessed my sickness firsthand. So sick I fell asleep one and a half episodes into Generator Gawl, and have become know as 'that consumptive girl.' Well, I'm not -really- consumptive of course, but I did have one heck of a whopping cold. And it made me very un- inclined to even get out of bed much less drag my lazy ass to the computer and write. And then of course there was the homework... and my rediscovering the wonderful world of gaming *dodges rotten fruit* Speaking of homework... I have to write a paper now! So please enjoy this chapter, ok?! Cause it took me forever to get it written, but you know that better than I do I am sure. Ooohh... note the rating change too guys... muwahahahaha!! Not that I hear anyone complaining...
Warning: The following is long and may contain high quantities of cheese, corn, smut, and Dean Martin.
* * * * * *
I must have passed out. I don't really remember, I'm just glad to be away from that damn piece of meat. But of course as soon as I passed out I just kept on dreaming the rest of the story, meat or no meat. I hate flashbacks.
I open my eyes slowly and reach up to touch my forehead. There's a damp cloth draped there, it feels cool. Sighing, I prop myself up and glance around. I'm back in the back room, flopped on Banzai's dog bed. A sharp whine brings me to attention and I realize that I've been resting against the dog in question. I glance over my shoulder only to have my cheek met with a sudden, wet dog kiss. Mmm, dog breath. Yeah, that's not helping my headache. Still, I know he's just trying to help, so I smile weakly and remove the wet cloth from my head, so that I can set in on the floor and ruffle his ears.
"It's ok, boy. No worries. You must think I'm a complete flake today, huh?" I chuckle softly, "Yeah, we haven't had one of these days for a long time, eh?"
He whines appreciatively and then sets his head down on his neatly folded paws. He keeps his eyes trained on me, his eyebrows raised in dog- skepticism.
I take a moment to reflect on how messed up my life is, and then, before this thought can overwhelm me, I roll over and bury my face in Banzai's warm side. I've got to keep myself grounded in the present. The little flashback fest needs to stop. All the memories of Ran aren't really what I need right now. Granted some of those memories are worth more than all the gold in the world, but it's knowing how everything ends that makes the whole process less than pleasant. Well... that and the genuinely unpleasant parts, which seem to outweigh the golden ones.
I'm so intent on regulating my breathing with my dog's that I don't hear Mary's footsteps or her agitated muttering until she drops my jacket on my head.
"I called you a cab, you're going home."
"I'm fine, Mare," I say, my voice muffled by the fabric of my jacket.
"Like hell you're fine. Passing out in my store over some hamburger and telling me you're fine. The nerve," she grumbles. I can hear the concern in her voice.
There isn't much I can say to that so I don't say anything. I just lie there with my jacket on my head. I feel her sit down next to me on the floor. Light suddenly floods my eyes as she yanks my coat off. She runs a pudgy, cool hand across my forehead and temple. "What's wrong, baby? You can tell me anything."
I turn halfway over so that I can look at her. I try to smile, but can't tell if I succeed of not. "Nothing, Mary. At least, not anything I can name. It's just one of those days. It started this morning with the message machine and ever since then it's just been a rather downward spiral into my subconscious. I'm really sorry about work. I should stay... you need someone to man the counter," I protest weakly.
"Like hell you should stay. No way, hon. You are going home and that's the end of it. And after I leave tonight I am bringing you dinner, so you just go home and go to bed and don't worry about anything," she says softly, running a hand through my hair.
If only it were that simple. Just go to bed and don't worry about anything... it's sleep I'm the most afraid of. I force a smile again. "Sure, Mare."
"Is there anything you want to talk about? Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest. I don't mind all the gory details."
Gory details? That's an understatement. No, Mary, it's not the gory details I can't tell you about. It's the red-haired lover who made it all bearable, and then left me alone. The man I still love with every breath I take. The man who's touch is seared into my skin and who's taste is still on my lips. He's the only thing I can't tell you about. And unfortunately he's the root of my problems right now. "No, there really isn't anything to say, Mary. I don't know what exactly's wrong, but I'll be fine. Maybe you're right and I just need some sleep."
She raises and eyebrow and sweeps a stray piece of her wispy hair out of her eyes. "Whatever you say, hon." She looks out at the stacks and stacks of stock and sighs, starting to get to her feet. "I'm too old for this."
"You're not that old, Mary," I chuckle. "Over the hill, maybe, but hardly aged."
"Ha ha, shut you're trap, whippersnapper," she chuckles.
I turn back over and close my eyes. A few moments later I feel Mary's toe against my leg. "C'mon the cab will be here soon."
"I can walk home, don't worry about the cab."
"Ken Hidaka, get off my shop floor, put on your jacket and go stand outside and wait for the cab I called for you before I kick your scrawny ass into next week!" she cries, increasing the pressure on my leg.
"Argh, ok ok, sheesh. Slave driver," I grumble, getting to my feet. My head spins a little from the rush of blood and I sway slightly. I shake it off, and stoop to grab my coat. I know Mary is eyeing me warily and for some reason it makes me nervous. I don't really like having other people worry about me all that much. It's so much easier to just be on my own and leave it at that.
A few minutes later I am leading Banzai through the front of the shop towards the doors. I ignore the worried look Patricia casts my way and don't even bother to say goodbye to her. Mary follows me out, most likely to make sure that I actually get in the cab and don't just take off for home on my own.
I'm thankful that she doesn't say anything more and just lets us stand there in silence. I keep running over that afternoon behind the barracks. I swear I can feel Ran's warm breath on my skin, his lips leaving a tingling trail across my abdomen. Unconsciously I touch my stomach as I stare out into the rain. When did it start raining again?
"You're tummy hurt, sweety?" Mary asks absently. "You want me to grab some Pepto before you take off?"
Her voice snaps me back into reality and I pull my hand away from my stomach guiltily. I know she has no idea what I was thinking about, but I still feel guilty, as if I was caught in the act or something. I shake my head, smiling sheepishly. "No, no I'm fine. I was just thinking about the dinner you're going to make me."
She laughs. I knew this would appease her. A yellow taxi-cab glides out of the rain drenched street and pulls up to the curb. Mary waves at the driver and then ushers me into the back seat, shoving Banzai in after me. The cabbie looks like he wants to protest, but Mary gives him a flash of the eye and tosses a bill into the front seat.
"Keep the change, ass-hole," she grumbles, and the cabbie grins greasily and tips his hat.
I tell the driver my address and we pull back onto the nearly deserted street. It's only about a five minute drive to my house, and it's only that long because of the traffic lights. I feel bad about Mary paying just to get me that far. Oh well, such is life.
We stop at a stop light. Outside the window life goes on. People walk hurriedly up and down the street, collars turned up and umbrellas in hand. It seems like ages since I've thought of myself as one of those ordinary, everyday people. It would be nice to be a part of the world again. Slowly the sound of the radio seeps through my consciousness and I start to actually hear the music.
-Besame. besame mucho. Each time I cling to your kiss I hear music devine. Besame. besame mucho. Hold me my darling and say that you'll always be mine...-
Dean Martin. Dean fucking Martin. The lilting, classical sound of his voice drifts though my mind, illuminating the dark places with his crooning song. Why is it that my day is playing out in this exact sequence of events, each one leading me to the next place? I close my eyes and lean against the cool windowpane, shutting out the passing lights and cars and rain.
-Who ever thought I'd be holding you close to me. whispering it's you I adore?-
On an impulse I lean forward and tap the cabbie on the shoulder. "Could you just drive me around for a little while? That bill's got to be good for a little bit of ride."
He eyes me and grumbles under his breath, but nods. I lean back and stare back out the window.
-Dearest one... if you should leave me, each little dream would take wing and my life would be through. Besame... besame mucho... love me forever and make all my dreams come true...-
* * * * * *
I was so mad, mad at Ran and mad at myself. I can't explain it, I was so angry and yet there was a little part of me that kept wondering what -I- had done wrong. Half of me wanted to confront him and the other half wanted to let it be and just hoped I'd find him slipping into my bed again that night, apologies unsaid and unneeded. But that was hardly likely to be the case. Either way I realized, as I hurried away from the field and the awkward situation with Crawford, that the last place I wanted to be was anywhere near him. Thus I turned away from the barracks and stocked peevishly across the base, not paying any attention to where I was going. The next thing I knew I was standing outside the officer's quarters without meaning to be there. Staring at the blank, metal door I realized that I actually wanted to talk to Kudou. Maybe he could give me some more details about Swanny, or about Ran for that matter.
I'd never really thought about it before, but I realized that it was fairly obvious that Fujimiya and Kudou were on friendlier terms than just officer/soldier. It hadn't occurred to me to wonder after the nature or deepness of their relationship, but I had a feeling that Youji knew a lot more about Ran than I did. I wondered absently if he knew about the fact that Ran was gay, if he knew the truth about Yuushi. However much Kudou knew, I was sure that he was one of the few people Ran considered to be a friend.
Without having any idea what I was going to say, I pulled open the heavy metal door, walked into the officer's quarters, and knocked sharply on Kudou's door. There was a long pause as I waited in the hallway. I could hear loud music playing through the door, Dean Martin I thought, and it made me smile. Somehow Youji seemed like the kind of guy who might listen to good old crooner Dean Martin, swaying slightly on his feet as the Rat Pack icon slurred out a few lines about the nature of love and the moon and Italy. My mother had listened to Dean Martin a lot when I was a kid, and it brought back memories, good memories. I was just about to knock again when the door snapped open suddenly.
I was over come with 'That's Amore,' taking a step back. Youji had stood there looking rather disheveled, his long hair falling out of a makeshift ponytail. He had a glass of red wine in his hand and no shoes on. He squinted at me rather blearily and I realized that Lt. Kudou was most likely drunk. He squinted for a moment more and then without saying anything shrugged and waved me inside.
-When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine...-
Kudou set his wine down on a desk, and before I had a chance to take in my surroundings or say anything he stepped towards me and said, "Waltz with me, Hidaka."
He reached out and caught my hand before I could stop him, placing the other hand around my back and jerking me against him. "Um, sir..?"
He rolled his eyes and let go of my back long enough to put my free hand on his shoulder. "That's an order, soldier. Now on three..." And thus I was waltzed rather sloppily around the private room of officer Kudou to the lilting tunes of Dean Martin.
When the song finished I ended up in a rather uncomfortable dip, Kudou smiling only inches from my face.
"You're a pretty good waltzer, Hidaka," he said lightly.
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"Be my guest, mambo king," he slurred.
"You're drunk and this is killing my back, sir," I said trying to stand up.
"So I am and so it is. Up you go!" he cried, yanking me back onto my feet. "Thanks for the dance all the same. Dancing alone just isn't the same."
I felt myself blushing, more from the ridiculousness of the whole affair than anything else. I knew Youji didn't mean anything by it, especially not when he was drunk. He was just that kind of guy. "Anytime, sir," I managed.
He chuckled and went back to his glass of wine. "What can I do for you, Hidaka? You want a glass of wine?"
"No, that's really ok, sir," I said, looking around the room. It was surprisingly neat. There were a couple suspicious looking piles of clothing in the far corner but other than that the floor was clear and the bed was even made. Pin-up posters and photographs decorated the walls along with a few political posters, most of which I didn't understand.
"Oh, c'mon, I insist. Have a glass, private, and that's also an order," he slurred, rummaging around on the desk for another glass. Apparently he didn't have another wine glass so I ended up sipping my wine out of plastic cup, but I didn't mind. With each successive sip, my angry thoughts about Ran dissipated a little bit more.
For a few moments we both stood, saying nothing, listening to Dean as he went into a rendition of 'Sway.'
When I looked up I noticed Kudou was staring blankly into his glass.
"What's the deal with Dean Martin?" I asked at length.
He smiled without looking up and nodded his head. "What is the deal indeed? My fiancée sent me the record. Dean is her favorite. She used to listen to it all the time. We'd stay up all night, just dancing alone to her records. Of course that was only after I'd climbed onto the roof of the porch and snuck into her room, things other than Dean on my mind, but it always ended up just being Dean. Heh, well not -always- but more often than not. I got a package from her a few days ago, with the record in it. She wants me to pick out songs for our wedding," his voice was soft and distant. I watched as he swirled the dark liquid in his glass a then took an absent minded sip.
I wasn't exactly sure what to say, because it was hard to interpret how exactly felt about picking out Dean Martin songs for his wedding. I took a sip of my wine and headed for high ground. "Well that was nice of her."
Youji snorted. "Wasn't it though? Heh, yeah Asuka is always thinking of me. She's a real team player, that she is. You wanna see a picture, Hidaka?"
"Umm... sure," I answered, figuring it was best to humor him.
He reached mechanically into his breast pocket and walked over to me, holding out a photograph. I took it from his hand and looked down into the smiling face of a very beautiful young woman. She had short, dark hair, dark eyes, and a beauty mark on her cheek. The kind of woman I expected Youji Kudou to be involved with, she reeked of class.
"She's beautiful," I said, handing the photograph back to him.
Youji chuckled and tucked the photo back in his pocket. "Yeah, my best friend apparently thought so too. Along with the record I got a letter from her confessing that she had a little lapse in fidelity. She swears it was a mistake and begs me to forgive her. She loves me, she says. She wants to be with me, marry me. I guess she just wanted to screw him that one time. And you know, why shouldn't I forgive her?" he said harshly turning his green eyes on me as if I had all the answers in the world.
I shook my head.
"I should be able to. We're all human, we make mistakes. I mean, fuck, I know I'm no saint. Do you have any idea how many women I've slept with here in Nam? Me neither, I lost track. So then it should be ok for her to do the same, right? It should be, but I just want to kill them both," he hissed.
I stared at him blankly, and took another sip of my wine. And here I'd been hoping to talk about my problems.
Kudou sauntered over to the desk again and grabbed the wine bottle, filling his glass, and then coming to fill mine. He grinned at me softly.
"You know what else, Hidaka? I blame myself. I am an ass-hole. I am a terrible boyfriend, and an extremely terrible fiancé. I've got terminal cold feet. I love Asuka so much it hurts, but every time I think about marriage, I start to feel sick to my stomach. You wanna know why I came to Nam, why I enlisted and became an officer? To postpone my wedding! My main motivation in going to war was to get as far away from commitment as I could for just that much longer. I didn't even tell Asuka until two weeks before I was scheduled to leave. Man was she -pissed-! Of course I had this whole song and dance about 'oh my country' and 'gotta stop the commies' blah blah blah. But it was all just an excuse to get away from the altar. And, you know what, this is what I deserve. And even though I know that... I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. I love this woman, I do something stupid, she does something stupid to get back at me, and now... it's totally fucked. Just like that. Love sucks! Let me tell you right now, Hidaka," he said, stooping over conspiratorially. "If you ever fall in love, and I don't recommend it, but if you do, don't do -anything- to fuck it up. Because if you do, you will have fucked up everything in your life for the rest of eternity. Love sucks, so treat it with kid gloves. Don't go to Vietnam to get away from your fiancé. Promise me."
I swallowed dryly and nodded. "I promise."
"Figuratively speaking, of course."
"Of course."
He grinned at this and ruffled my hair. It seemed as if everyone had a habit of doing that. "Drink your wine and tell me what you want."
I took another sip of my wine and cleared my throat. "I just wanted to thank you for being understanding about this past week or so... since Omi passed away."
He shrugged and waved a hand at me. "Forget about it. It really bites what happened. Not cool. You've got the wrong kinda disposition for war, so I don't mind cutting you some slack. Is that all you wanted?" he raised an eyebrow, and I wasn't exactly sure what that was supposed to signify.
"That and to check on Swanny's status. How is he? Is he ok, Ran told me what happened..." I trailed off halfway thinking about Swanny, halfway thinking about Ran.
"Oh he did, did he? Yeah that and a bag of chips, probably," he said, and then snickered.
"Er... sir?"
He waved his hand at me absently and shook his head. "Nevermind, I'll talk to Fujimiya about it later. Swanny's fine. He just had a little nervous breakdown. And we all know what those are like," he said giving me a significant look.
I ducked my head, my cheeks flushing. "Yeah, I guess that's true. Well if you see him before I do let him know I'm thinking about him."
"Will do. Is that it?"
Unable to think of any way to segue into a conversation about Ran, I let the matter drop in my mind. I realized it really wasn't all that important anyway. I shook my head and took another swig of wine.
"Well good," he said, smiling. He walked over to the record player he had jimmied in the corner and turned it up.
-Hey mambo! Mambo Italiano! Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano! Don't wanna tarantella! Hey mambo, no more mozzarella! Hey mambo! Mambo Italiano try an enchilada with a fish baccala!-
"Then mambo with me!"
I don't know if it was the ridiculousness of the whole situation, my empathy for Youji's emotional state, or the wine, but mambo I did. In fact I mamboed and talked with Kudou until we were both good and drunk and it was nearly lock down. Thus I left his room stumbling and giggling about Dean Martin. It was a good thing I was still thinking about Ran or I might have had the presence of mind to do something really embarrassing like kiss the lieutenant. Thankfully that never happened.
So it was in this inebriated state that I stumbled out of the officer's quarters and right into Ran. Literally. I lurched forward out of the doorway and fell against his chest. His hands caught my shoulders and I heard him cry out in surprise. It made me giggle and I looked up at him, clawing at his uniform, trying to get into an upright position. When I achieved this I stared happily back into his disbelieving, disapproving face and fell in love with him all over again. Without thinking of the potential consequences I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him as passionately as I could in my rather unstable state, knowing he could taste the wine I had been drinking. He just stood there, too taken aback to do anything or stop me.
When I felt that I'd kissed him enough I pulled away and buried my head in his shoulder. "I love you, Ran. Don't fuck it up." There, I'd said it, and he couldn't to jack about it.
I proceeded to fall asleep against his shoulder, drooling slightly. I guess Ran must have been on his way to see Kudou, but I don't think he ever got there seeing as the next thing I remember is waking up in the middle of the night, tucked into my bed, Ran breathing softly against my hair, curled around my back.
The midnight hangover kept me from staying awake for too long, but not from smiling happily before drifting off again.
By the time morning revelry woke me up again Ran was, of course, gone. The sound of the bugle echoed through my head, making my wine induced hangover that much more unbearable. I rolled onto my back and stared at the bottom of Ran's bunk. Revelry sounded again and I heard the bunk squeal in protest as Ran rolled over, the mattress above me bulging as he shifted. His arm flopped over the side and dangled charmingly down, swinging slightly.
I stared at his hand for a moment, noticing how pale his skin was, and the way his fingers curled just slightly and twitched as the bugle sounded one more time. Without thinking about it, wanting only to touch him, I reached my hand up lazily to brush it against his long fingers. His hand stiffened momentarily and then relaxed again, his fingers opening slightly as I placed my hand within them, my finger tips brushing against his wrist gently before I slid my hand around his and held those long, artistic fingers inside of my worried, worn ones. I imagined him resting his head gently against his other arm, closing his eyes as his thumb began to gently stroke my hand.
I sighed, and closed my eyes as well. Then it was as if we both realized what we were doing at the exact same moment and our hands flew apart. Fuck! What was that about? The rest of the bunk house was waking up too, there were any number of eyes that could have been watching us, that could have seen. This thought made me sit bolt upright, looking around nervously. As I did, my head whipping to the side, I whacked it against one of the metal support cross beams on the bottom of Fujimiya's bunk and cursed.
"Fuck, my head!" I cried. Grumbling I pulled myself out of my bunk, one hand on my head, the other groping around the wall to keep myself steady.
Ran looked down at me with disapproving eyes, not that I was really paying attention at that point, and then swung his legs over the side of his bunk and slid down next to me. "You should be more careful," he said bluntly, and I knew he wasn't talking about my head.
I lifted my eyes and glared at him, not amused. "I'll keep that in mind," I grumbled.
This was to be my first day back at teaching with Ran. We had to go through morning training and mess before we caught a ride into the village. I wasn't looking forward to the process, and for some reason the idea of being alone with Ran in the afternoon was making me nervous. I hadn't forgotten about the day before or his sudden change in attitude. Even though at that time, in the morning, it seemed like everything was forgiven and forgotten, I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle Ran if he kept playing hold-you-close-push-you-away. Besides that I could feel a reprimand for my late night drunkenness coming on as well.
I watched, perhaps a little too interestedly, as Ran changed into his uniform. It was the first time since we'd become involved that I'd been able to watch him. I'd pretty much been out of it for the past week, and was either sleeping or pretending to sleep as the rest of the 326th got up and went about their morning routine. Either that or I'd just not had the presence of mind to watch him before. But for some reason that morning I remember how I could barely tear my eyes away from the smooth contours of his back as he pulled on a fresh white under shirt. The way his muscles moved beneath his pale skin was mesmerizing, beautiful even, and I wanted so badly to feel those muscles moving beneath my fingers. I watched the way he shook loose his red hair after he pulled his shirt down over his head, his eyes closed, his hands continuing to pull the white fabric down over his torso as he turned towards me.
I know it seems like I must have lost my mind entirely. First the drunken episode with the kissing and whatnot, then the hand holding thing, and now I just stood there, holding my own change of shirt in my hands watching him with a blank look on my face. It must seem like I was begging for the whole entire base to notice, but that wasn't it. I really just couldn't help myself. I wanted some confirmation that he'd heard my words the night before. I wanted confirmation of everything, and I wasn't content to wait. I wasn't content to be careful.
Before he opened his eyes again I turned away, not wanting him to notice that I was staring. He'd give me that look again. And who was he to tell me to be careful anyway? He was the one who wanted to get down and dirty behind the bunk house. My head hurt.
The more I thought about running around in circles with Ran and how much I didn't want to be in love and in the army at the same time, the more pent up I became. By the time we were all assembled on the field and training began I was so grumpy and fed up with my life that I forgot about my hangover. I did pushups like a maniac, trying to work out my frustrations. And the day had seemed to start out so well.
I grumbled over my poor excuse for scrambled eggs at mess, and bussed my dishes rather violently, letting them clatter together making a sound that matched my aggravation.
The ride into town was made in silence. I kept my eyes trained on the passing jungle, not trusting myself to look at Ran. I had this feeling that if I had to look into his eyes I'd lose my self-control and either throw myself on him or deck him. I wasn't sure which one was worse. Or which one would make me feel better.
I hopped out of the Jeep and made my way down the slope towards the makeshift school room without stopping to wait for Fujimiya. Somewhere in the back of my head I had the uncomfortable realization that I was being childish, but I didn't care. I was in a bad enough mood, and my hangover had come back. I think the fact that Ran didn't even seem to care that I was ignoring him only made me that much more frustrated. He was content to lag behind, silent and watchful. Maybe he figured I was just trying to be careful.
The students came, the students went. Ran seemed to have built up at least some sort of rapport with them. We did writing drills and speaking drills and Ran attempted to go over grammar, but no one seemed to quite comprehend what he was trying to get across. By the time class was over I'd gotten three offers from prostitutes and was thoroughly un-amused. As expected no one hung around to ask questions so it was just Ran and I staring at the walls.
"What a waste of time," I muttered, shredding a piece of paper into smaller and smaller pieces.
"Somebody thinks it's worth our time," Ran answered, looking up from where he was adjusting the knobs on the radio.
"Or they're just trying to distract us," I answered scattering the pieces of paper on the cement floor. It had started raining again, and I could see that water was pooling in the corners and running down the walls in small rivulets. "I hate this place."
"Base says they'll be a pickup in about three hours. They've got to pick up more guys working on the rebuild project. Think you can handle sitting around till then?" he asked after a few moments.
"What choice do I have?" I muttered.
"None," he answered quietly, standing up and moving around the room. He made his way to the back door and stood looking out at the river. I watched his back and then grumbled to myself, getting up and going to close the side door against the rain and chill dampness that rode on the air. Then I went to sit on one of the desks, my back facing him. The quiet was killing me.
I didn't hear his boots scuff across the dirt strewn cement; I guess I wasn't paying attention. I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt his hands on my shoulders and then run through my hair. His warm breath tickled my scalp as he leaned down and kissed the crown of my head.
"What are you doing?" I asked peevishly.
"You hit your head this morning," he stated into my hair as if that explained everything.
I chuckled thinly. "Yeah, I know. No thanks to you."
"What did I do?"
"Nothing..," I sighed. "Nothing at all, Ran."
There was a pause and Ran pulled away from me slightly. "Are you angry at me?"
I sighed again and leaned back, resting my head against his chest. His hands traveled slowly down my neck and shoulders, snaking down my chest where he rested them lightly. "No. Not really." But then again...
"Liar," he murmured against my hair. "We're alone now anyway."
"I guess we are."
This said I just sat there, my hands dangling between my legs, my head resting against Ran's chest. The steady beat of his heart sounded in my ears, and I closed my eyes, wishing that small moment of peace could last forever.
"Do you remember what I said to you last night?" The words came tumbling out of my mouth before I even knew I was talking.
He shifted uncomfortably behind me and stood up straight, his hands retreating slightly. There was an awkward silence and then he pulled away some more. "You were drunk."
I reached up, my heart pounding and caught his wrist before he could pull completely away from me. I turned on the desk and looked up at him angrily. "What does that have to do with anything?! Do you remember or not?!"
He looked at me for a moment, his dark eyes wary and hooded, and then he looked away from me, tugging on his arm. "Ken..."
"Ran! This is important. Tell me, please. I need to know that you understand that I'm serious about this!" I growled, yanking back.
"Hidaka, I told you already, I don't want to hear it, and I don't want to say it. And it's because of how serious I am that I won't let words kill you," he said intensely, turning to look at me again. I could see the anger in his eyes.
I sneered and let go of his wrist, slapping his hand away. "You superstitious bastard. I'm tired of playing these stupid games with you. One second you're hot as all hell and the next you're fucking ice. Just pick one and stick with it! I meant what I said, I know how I feel. I get nothing but confusion from you!" I cried, standing up and slamming the chair into the desk.
He glared at me and then rolled his eyes. He ran his hand through his hair before speaking. "How can I be any clearer for you? I told you my intentions, what do you want from me?!" he growled.
"I want to be close to you! I don't know anything about you; I don't know what you feel, or what you want. I want to be closer!" I cried angrily.
He stared at me for a moment and then took three quick steps towards me until he was less that half a foot away from me. I could hear his agitated breathing as he stood there, looking down at me. For a moment I tried to meet his eyes, to meet his intensity with my own. In the end those depthless, indigo orbs proved too much for me and I looked away. I'd said too much, demanded too much.
I felt his hand grip my hip sharply, his fingers working my flesh momentarily, grabbing at the fabric of my pants. Then he pulled me against him roughly, my pelvis meeting his as his other hand flattened against my back and helped to jerk me towards him. I looked up, startled, and found his eyes again. They were just as intense, but there was no anger in them. In fact the intensity that I found there then was completely different and it took my breath away.
"Is this close enough?" he breathed against my skin huskily.
I felt the blood rising to my face, a blush spreading across my cheeks. "This isn't what I meant," I hissed.
"This is all I can give you right now," he answered. "Take it or leave it."
I looked at him peevishly, and then slipped my arms around his narrow waist. "I guess I'll take what I can get. I'm sorry..." I leaned forward to rest my head against his shoulder.
He chuckled, swaying against me slightly. "For what?"
It was my turn to chuckle now. "I have no idea."
It was then that I felt his lips against my neck. I lifted my head in surprise, and he took advantage of the movement to get to the soft spot below my jaw. I sucked my breath in sharply, tilting my head back, my hands trailing to his sides where my fingers tangled in the fabric of his jacket. "Ah... Ran..." I breathed. His hair tickled my face, the cool, soft strands brushing against my cheek as he gently kissed at my neck.
He sucked at the base, sending little sparks of fire spreading through my skin. But it wasn't until he bit my earlobe, nipping it sharply and then pulling it into his mouth, teasing me with his tongue, that I moaned softly and realized that we were very close to being out of control. Once again the possibility of being discovered dawned on me and a sick apprehension settled in my stomach.
Pushing on his hips I began to squirm. "Ah... h-hey, Ran... wait," I breathed, trying to pull away.
But he wasn't listening to me. His arms only tightened around me, his fingers digging into my hip even harder, as he rolled his pelvis against mine suggestively. I admit it, it made my head swim. It made me feel like I was about to fall into nothingness, and most of me wanted it to go on, but a small, very strong part of me burned with a shame, a trepidation that refused to be ignored. Gritting my teeth against the sensations Ran was sending through my body I managed to grind out, "Wait.," again before I realized that we were moving backwards.
Moments later the top of my thighs impacted the lip of the long, makeshift teacher's desk. "No more waiting," he hissed, his breath hot and shallow against my skin.
He leaned into me until I had to release his shirt, hastily moving my arms behind me to prop myself up against the surface of the desk. His eyes met mine, and I knew he could see my hesitancy. I furrowed my brows, uncertain of what to do. I was the one who said I wanted to be closer, but now I was afraid again. I wondered briefly who was really playing hold-you-close- push-you-away... I was probably just as much at fault as Ran if I thought about it, but I didn't want to so I just closed my eyes and tilted my face towards his.
He took my lips with his without any hesitation. A wave of relief and heated passion swept though my body. Relief at not having to think anymore, and passion... well, that should be obvious. Greedily I opened my mouth and moaned, running my tongue against his lips until he obliged me and let me inside. As our tongues slipped against each other, both wanting to take and be taken, explore and be explored his hand reached up to roughly grab my hair, holding my head in place. He pulled me up against him, his arms snaking around my back, pressing me upwards. Now I practically had to support both or our weights, and I realized he had me at a sever disadvantage.
He used this, and I could feel him pressing against me, gently nudging my legs apart, weaseling his way between my knees. I moaned and gasped as I realized what he was trying to accomplish, shamefully finding myself acquiescing to his suggestions, leaning farther back, spreading my legs slowly until I was propped up against my elbows, nearly flat on my back, and he was leaning so far over that he could no longer hold me as he braced himself against the table with one arm, the other gently resting on my abdomen. Soon I found myself scooting farther back, pulling myself up as he settled between my legs, pressing himself against my crotch.
I blushed furiously as he rocked against me and I found myself pressing back to meet his hips, the erotic rhythm causing my breath to come short and my back to arch slightly as his kisses lingered longer and longer, and his hands began to work dirty magic on my body. Wherever he touched me my skin felt like it was seared. Slowly he pushed my jacket off my shoulders and down my arms, and then traced lazy swirls on my chest, teasing me with his soft touches and gentle machinations.
"Nn... Ran... you're going to... get us caught," I murmured, still unable to shake my trepidation.
"Shhh, just shut up and enjoy it. There's no one here but us," he whispered, starting to kiss and lick at my neck again. I groaned and tipped my head back, arching up into him. "Besides it doesn't seem like you really care all that much," he chuckled as his hand slid deviously beneath my shirt.
"Ah!" I cried sharply as he scratched his nails across my skin. I thought Ran might like to play a little rough. "Be nice," I hissed.
He looked up sharply, searching my eyes for a moment. "I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked quickly. His concern was endearing, and I took advantage of the moment to get off my elbows. I pushed up off the desk leaving my jacket behind, sitting up, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.
Standing up straight, Ran folded his arms around my body once again holding me close, his hands gently massaging my back. I heard the dull jingle of our dog tags as they clinked against each other. My fingers skimmed up the back of his neck, catching in his hair as I pressed my body against his, doing nothing more than enjoying the intimacy of the moment. We stayed like that for a little while, holding each other, able to be together like that for what really seemed like the first time. That rain drenched night on the field had been so rushed and unexpected; there had been no forethought there, no calculated tenderness. This was different, and unimaginably blissful.
I kissed Ran's neck softly, laying small pecks across his flawless skin. He sighed and shivered slightly, tiny goose bumps standing out where my lips graced his flesh. "Ken...," he murmured softly, sighing into my ear again. Smiling against his skin I purred softly, letting my hand trail down through his fine hair until it rested lazily on the nape of his neck.
"What?" I whispered to him, kissing his neck again, nuzzling my nose against him gently.
He didn't respond with words, but suddenly pulled me forward, stepping back so that I had to stand again still leaning against the lip of the desk. Then he pressed against me once more, rocking his hips against mine. Aching heat spread from my loins as I felt our growing needs for each other collide and echo.
Moaning shamelessly I tossed my head back, rolling against him, knowing only too well how to dance that dance. His hands pulled my shirt up, running over my smooth torso, caressing with deep, lingering strokes as he ducked his head, bending down so that he could kiss my chest. In doing so he began to slowly sink towards the floor, his knees buckling as he trailed soft attentions down my stomach, promising to finish what he'd started the day before behind the barracks. His tongue darted into my navel and I cried out softly, gripping the edge of the desk with white knuckles.
I was so caught up in the sensations that he spread through my skin that I paid little attention to his actual actions. It was all just one haze of longing and acceptance. It wasn't until I felt his fingers toying gently with the band of my uniform pants that I looked down and realized that he was on his knees before me, his intentions suddenly and startlingly clear.
I jerked, my face flushing, my hands flying out to catch his shoulders and push him back. "Ran, what are you doing?" I cried.
He was as startled by my reaction as I had been by my realization that he wanted to do -that- in a school room. He looked up at me sharply, obviously rather annoyed at being so unceremoniously shaken out of the zone.
"What do you think I'm doing?" he asked sarcastically.
"You... -we- can't do that here," I snapped.
"Why not?" he asked, no hint of a tease in his voice. He honestly wanted to know.
I worked it over in my mind and then, unable to give him an answer I knew he'd be satisfied with I just went on staring at him.
He went on staring at me. We stared for a few moments and then I raised my eyes to the ceiling. "What if someone comes....?"
He chuckled stupidly as if he'd just though of a great joke and then gave another tug on my waist band. "Well that's kinda the point, Ken," he said, peering up at me.
Rolling my eyes and looked back down to meet his, and found that they were full of an unusual lightness that I had never seen before. They were soft and open, dragging me into their smiling depths.
"That was crude," I said, smiling despite myself. "And that's -not- what I meant."
"I know. And who cares if someone walks in on us or not? They would no matter what we were doing, so if we're going to get caught we might as well make it worth our while," he said calmly, kissing my skin again.
"Mm," I murmured, running a hand through his hair. "What happened to Mr. Be-more-careful?"
"He's wants you really badly," Ran answered huskily, slipping two fingers into the waist of my pants. "So just relax, and let him have you."
I sighed, tightening my hand in his hair for one long moment before giving in and leaning back against the desk again, gripping the lip in anticipation of what was to come. It wasn't as if I could really argue with him, not with my body demanding that I acquiesce. The painful tightness of my pants was proof enough that I wanted him to have me.
No more words were spoken as Ran's long fingers slowly, torturously almost, worked at my belt. My breath caught in my chest as I felt him undo the bronze button and pull down my fly, his fingertips meaningfully brushing over the aching bulge there. I whimpered, biting my lip as he slid his fingers into the band on my shorts and with a silken grace pulled them, along with my pants, down to my knees, releasing me from my fabric prison.
Panting in anticipation, I closed my eyes, unconsciously spreading my legs a little farther. I hear Ran make a soft clicking sound in the back of his throat as he knelt before me, observing me shamelessly for the first time. My heart beat so fast that it made my whole rib cage ache. I shuddered as I felt his hand trail tentatively up the inside of my thigh and pause painfully close to the center of my unbearable desire for him.
Tipping my head forward, trembling as his fingers stroked every part of me but what I needed him to, I glared at the top of his smug looking head. "Ran," I growled. "If you're going to do this... do it!"
He chuckled huskily, "Indeed, you are impatient, Hidaka." But I could hear the barely contained desire riding on his voice.
He didn't hesitate any longer. His right hand slid gently around my balls, kneading them ever so softly as his left hand firmly gripped the base of my erection. I arched my back and moaned loudly, my mind going dizzyingly blank as I felt the first exploratory touch of his wet, warm tongue against my slit. With long, methodical strokes he teased me mercilessly until I was dripping sweetly into his waiting mouth and the sound of my driven cries mixed with his breathless panting.
What I felt that first time at Ran's hands was mind blowingly different than anything I had ever felt before. He was so tender and attentive, yet so slow and teasing at the same time. I wanted to scream for him to get on with it as it seemed as if time dragged on forever, his attentions never ceasing or leaving me a moment to collect myself. But the words never made it past my choked cries. My knees began to tremble, becoming weaker and weaker as my body was engulfed in pure erotic pleasure. I felt myself losing my grip on the table, and wanted so badly to sink to the floor, but Ran wouldn't let me. He kept me standing, shaking with desire and begging to be released.
When he released the base of my shaft, and ceased to play with me with his tongue and drew my head fully into his mouth, I though I would lose my mind. He took me in deeper and deeper, and as he did my breaths became shallower and shallower. I could barely moan his name as I at last tangled my hands in his hair and he took me that last bit, pulling me entirely into his mouth. I cried out silently as I arched my back madly, thrusting ever so slightly into him, the tip of my desire brushing against the back of his throat. I came, crying out harshly as that ultimate pleasure took me over and I spilled myself into his mouth.
He pulled away from me almost immediately, covering his mouth with his hand, and turning away quickly. My knees gave out and I slid down the desk, sweat dripping slowly over my skin as I sat trembling, my legs still splayed before him. My eyes fluttered open and closed as I tried to catch my breath. Running a shaking hand though my damp hair I tilted my head back against the hard wood behind me, and tried to breathe deeply.
Then I felt his cool hand on my face. I opened my eyes slowly to gaze into his beautiful face. There was a softness in his eyes that made me want to cry. I don't know why, but tears seemed like such a very real possibility. He smiled gently and pulled my head up, pressing his sweet lips to mine in a very tender, very much in love kiss. I could taste the husky earthiness of myself there and it made me tremble that much more.
A thought occurred to me and before I could think better of it I blurted out. "What did you do with it?"
He gave me the weirdest look and then smiled and rather stupefied smile. "What do you think I did with it?"
I looked at him blankly and then realized what he had done with it. Kase had never swallowed my cum... ever. He'd hardly ever let me come to an orgasm when he'd taken me in his mouth. I know it's kind of a perverted thing to find meaningful, but it was. To me it was, it meant something that Ran had so willingly taken all of me into himself. And as I thought about these things all I could say to him was, "Oh."
He shook his head and smiled again. I loved it when he smiled. He kissed me again then, a little more passionately than before, but I didn't mind. The only thing I minded was the feeling of freezing concrete on my bare ass. After a few more kisses I told him so and we chuckled softly as he hauled me to my feet and dressed me again. Then as he took me in his arms and held me gently against his chest, whispering softly in my ear, I started to cry.
I didn't mean to or even know why those salty tears slipped from my eyes and slowly soaked his uniform jacket. But it didn't seem to matter to Ran; he was happy to sway there with me, holding me solidly in reality, stoking my back, and petting my hair. I clung to him, weeping silently, wishing I could stop.
"I'm sorry, Ran," I whispered. "I should... I should do something for you. Just..."
"Shhh, you don't have to do anything. There's time," he said softly.
"I don't know why I'm crying," I said quietly after a few moments.
He pulled me closer, kissing my forehead gently. "Grief, Ken."
"But why now?" I whispered. "Why should I grieve when I'm finally with you?"
"Strong emotions play off each other. It's ok, grieve. I'll keep you safe, I won't let the pain destroy you," he said urgently.
I sobbed against his chest, my arms coming up to clutch at his body, taking refuge in his warmth. He lowered us slowly to the ground again, resting his back against the desk where I had been only minutes before and pulled me between his legs. I buried my face in his neck, letting myself get lost in his scent, relaxing my defenses, letting him take the weight of my heart. Images and memories swam through my head and I just let them come. I didn't care about holding them back anymore. There was no reason to hide. Ran was there. I was safe as long as I was with him.
When I had cried all my tears I started to tell Ran about my family, whatever came to my mind came out of my mouth. Paradise among the wretched. I don't know if he really cared, but he didn't stop me. His strong, assuring hands just kept caressing me gently as we sat together. It was peaceful and calming, and utterly wonderful. We stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon, almost two hours, until we had to walk up to the road to wait for the transport.
I don't remember anything about the ride back to base that day, or even anything else that happened for that matter. But I know that when I went to bed that night I wasn't thinking about how things would end, or even what would happen the next day. And that's a good thing because the next day wasn't going to be all that great.
* * * * * *
Afterthoughts: Smutty. Very smutty. I had originally intended for there to be a -lot- more plot in this chapter... but the smut came and took over. Once again... do I hear complaining? No.
Oh and there was originally a random snippet of thought from Ken's mind smack dab in the middle of the smut, but Lilas (my grand beta-er) said it ruined the mood. So I am sticking it here for posterity. Go army boot!!
"I have to take a moment here to explain how entirely foolish you feel doing these things while wearing army boots. It wasn't the uniform or the pants... it was the boots. They're just so... unromantic, probably the last thing you want to be wearing while trying to get into the mood. Or course at this point I was way over the getting into the mood part, I was already there, so I could ignore for the most part the idiocy I felt when I realized that I was wrapping army boot clad legs around my lover. Well, whatever."
Comments: *pokes head out from under rock* Hello, everybody. Heh heh. Gee... I bet you're all wondering what I've been doing for the past 2 ½ weeks, huh? Please don't throw things at me!! But I'll tell you what I've been doing. I've been sick! Yes I have, oh so very sick, and you can ask Lilas about that, because she witnessed my sickness firsthand. So sick I fell asleep one and a half episodes into Generator Gawl, and have become know as 'that consumptive girl.' Well, I'm not -really- consumptive of course, but I did have one heck of a whopping cold. And it made me very un- inclined to even get out of bed much less drag my lazy ass to the computer and write. And then of course there was the homework... and my rediscovering the wonderful world of gaming *dodges rotten fruit* Speaking of homework... I have to write a paper now! So please enjoy this chapter, ok?! Cause it took me forever to get it written, but you know that better than I do I am sure. Ooohh... note the rating change too guys... muwahahahaha!! Not that I hear anyone complaining...
Warning: The following is long and may contain high quantities of cheese, corn, smut, and Dean Martin.
* * * * * *
I must have passed out. I don't really remember, I'm just glad to be away from that damn piece of meat. But of course as soon as I passed out I just kept on dreaming the rest of the story, meat or no meat. I hate flashbacks.
I open my eyes slowly and reach up to touch my forehead. There's a damp cloth draped there, it feels cool. Sighing, I prop myself up and glance around. I'm back in the back room, flopped on Banzai's dog bed. A sharp whine brings me to attention and I realize that I've been resting against the dog in question. I glance over my shoulder only to have my cheek met with a sudden, wet dog kiss. Mmm, dog breath. Yeah, that's not helping my headache. Still, I know he's just trying to help, so I smile weakly and remove the wet cloth from my head, so that I can set in on the floor and ruffle his ears.
"It's ok, boy. No worries. You must think I'm a complete flake today, huh?" I chuckle softly, "Yeah, we haven't had one of these days for a long time, eh?"
He whines appreciatively and then sets his head down on his neatly folded paws. He keeps his eyes trained on me, his eyebrows raised in dog- skepticism.
I take a moment to reflect on how messed up my life is, and then, before this thought can overwhelm me, I roll over and bury my face in Banzai's warm side. I've got to keep myself grounded in the present. The little flashback fest needs to stop. All the memories of Ran aren't really what I need right now. Granted some of those memories are worth more than all the gold in the world, but it's knowing how everything ends that makes the whole process less than pleasant. Well... that and the genuinely unpleasant parts, which seem to outweigh the golden ones.
I'm so intent on regulating my breathing with my dog's that I don't hear Mary's footsteps or her agitated muttering until she drops my jacket on my head.
"I called you a cab, you're going home."
"I'm fine, Mare," I say, my voice muffled by the fabric of my jacket.
"Like hell you're fine. Passing out in my store over some hamburger and telling me you're fine. The nerve," she grumbles. I can hear the concern in her voice.
There isn't much I can say to that so I don't say anything. I just lie there with my jacket on my head. I feel her sit down next to me on the floor. Light suddenly floods my eyes as she yanks my coat off. She runs a pudgy, cool hand across my forehead and temple. "What's wrong, baby? You can tell me anything."
I turn halfway over so that I can look at her. I try to smile, but can't tell if I succeed of not. "Nothing, Mary. At least, not anything I can name. It's just one of those days. It started this morning with the message machine and ever since then it's just been a rather downward spiral into my subconscious. I'm really sorry about work. I should stay... you need someone to man the counter," I protest weakly.
"Like hell you should stay. No way, hon. You are going home and that's the end of it. And after I leave tonight I am bringing you dinner, so you just go home and go to bed and don't worry about anything," she says softly, running a hand through my hair.
If only it were that simple. Just go to bed and don't worry about anything... it's sleep I'm the most afraid of. I force a smile again. "Sure, Mare."
"Is there anything you want to talk about? Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest. I don't mind all the gory details."
Gory details? That's an understatement. No, Mary, it's not the gory details I can't tell you about. It's the red-haired lover who made it all bearable, and then left me alone. The man I still love with every breath I take. The man who's touch is seared into my skin and who's taste is still on my lips. He's the only thing I can't tell you about. And unfortunately he's the root of my problems right now. "No, there really isn't anything to say, Mary. I don't know what exactly's wrong, but I'll be fine. Maybe you're right and I just need some sleep."
She raises and eyebrow and sweeps a stray piece of her wispy hair out of her eyes. "Whatever you say, hon." She looks out at the stacks and stacks of stock and sighs, starting to get to her feet. "I'm too old for this."
"You're not that old, Mary," I chuckle. "Over the hill, maybe, but hardly aged."
"Ha ha, shut you're trap, whippersnapper," she chuckles.
I turn back over and close my eyes. A few moments later I feel Mary's toe against my leg. "C'mon the cab will be here soon."
"I can walk home, don't worry about the cab."
"Ken Hidaka, get off my shop floor, put on your jacket and go stand outside and wait for the cab I called for you before I kick your scrawny ass into next week!" she cries, increasing the pressure on my leg.
"Argh, ok ok, sheesh. Slave driver," I grumble, getting to my feet. My head spins a little from the rush of blood and I sway slightly. I shake it off, and stoop to grab my coat. I know Mary is eyeing me warily and for some reason it makes me nervous. I don't really like having other people worry about me all that much. It's so much easier to just be on my own and leave it at that.
A few minutes later I am leading Banzai through the front of the shop towards the doors. I ignore the worried look Patricia casts my way and don't even bother to say goodbye to her. Mary follows me out, most likely to make sure that I actually get in the cab and don't just take off for home on my own.
I'm thankful that she doesn't say anything more and just lets us stand there in silence. I keep running over that afternoon behind the barracks. I swear I can feel Ran's warm breath on my skin, his lips leaving a tingling trail across my abdomen. Unconsciously I touch my stomach as I stare out into the rain. When did it start raining again?
"You're tummy hurt, sweety?" Mary asks absently. "You want me to grab some Pepto before you take off?"
Her voice snaps me back into reality and I pull my hand away from my stomach guiltily. I know she has no idea what I was thinking about, but I still feel guilty, as if I was caught in the act or something. I shake my head, smiling sheepishly. "No, no I'm fine. I was just thinking about the dinner you're going to make me."
She laughs. I knew this would appease her. A yellow taxi-cab glides out of the rain drenched street and pulls up to the curb. Mary waves at the driver and then ushers me into the back seat, shoving Banzai in after me. The cabbie looks like he wants to protest, but Mary gives him a flash of the eye and tosses a bill into the front seat.
"Keep the change, ass-hole," she grumbles, and the cabbie grins greasily and tips his hat.
I tell the driver my address and we pull back onto the nearly deserted street. It's only about a five minute drive to my house, and it's only that long because of the traffic lights. I feel bad about Mary paying just to get me that far. Oh well, such is life.
We stop at a stop light. Outside the window life goes on. People walk hurriedly up and down the street, collars turned up and umbrellas in hand. It seems like ages since I've thought of myself as one of those ordinary, everyday people. It would be nice to be a part of the world again. Slowly the sound of the radio seeps through my consciousness and I start to actually hear the music.
-Besame. besame mucho. Each time I cling to your kiss I hear music devine. Besame. besame mucho. Hold me my darling and say that you'll always be mine...-
Dean Martin. Dean fucking Martin. The lilting, classical sound of his voice drifts though my mind, illuminating the dark places with his crooning song. Why is it that my day is playing out in this exact sequence of events, each one leading me to the next place? I close my eyes and lean against the cool windowpane, shutting out the passing lights and cars and rain.
-Who ever thought I'd be holding you close to me. whispering it's you I adore?-
On an impulse I lean forward and tap the cabbie on the shoulder. "Could you just drive me around for a little while? That bill's got to be good for a little bit of ride."
He eyes me and grumbles under his breath, but nods. I lean back and stare back out the window.
-Dearest one... if you should leave me, each little dream would take wing and my life would be through. Besame... besame mucho... love me forever and make all my dreams come true...-
* * * * * *
I was so mad, mad at Ran and mad at myself. I can't explain it, I was so angry and yet there was a little part of me that kept wondering what -I- had done wrong. Half of me wanted to confront him and the other half wanted to let it be and just hoped I'd find him slipping into my bed again that night, apologies unsaid and unneeded. But that was hardly likely to be the case. Either way I realized, as I hurried away from the field and the awkward situation with Crawford, that the last place I wanted to be was anywhere near him. Thus I turned away from the barracks and stocked peevishly across the base, not paying any attention to where I was going. The next thing I knew I was standing outside the officer's quarters without meaning to be there. Staring at the blank, metal door I realized that I actually wanted to talk to Kudou. Maybe he could give me some more details about Swanny, or about Ran for that matter.
I'd never really thought about it before, but I realized that it was fairly obvious that Fujimiya and Kudou were on friendlier terms than just officer/soldier. It hadn't occurred to me to wonder after the nature or deepness of their relationship, but I had a feeling that Youji knew a lot more about Ran than I did. I wondered absently if he knew about the fact that Ran was gay, if he knew the truth about Yuushi. However much Kudou knew, I was sure that he was one of the few people Ran considered to be a friend.
Without having any idea what I was going to say, I pulled open the heavy metal door, walked into the officer's quarters, and knocked sharply on Kudou's door. There was a long pause as I waited in the hallway. I could hear loud music playing through the door, Dean Martin I thought, and it made me smile. Somehow Youji seemed like the kind of guy who might listen to good old crooner Dean Martin, swaying slightly on his feet as the Rat Pack icon slurred out a few lines about the nature of love and the moon and Italy. My mother had listened to Dean Martin a lot when I was a kid, and it brought back memories, good memories. I was just about to knock again when the door snapped open suddenly.
I was over come with 'That's Amore,' taking a step back. Youji had stood there looking rather disheveled, his long hair falling out of a makeshift ponytail. He had a glass of red wine in his hand and no shoes on. He squinted at me rather blearily and I realized that Lt. Kudou was most likely drunk. He squinted for a moment more and then without saying anything shrugged and waved me inside.
-When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore. When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine...-
Kudou set his wine down on a desk, and before I had a chance to take in my surroundings or say anything he stepped towards me and said, "Waltz with me, Hidaka."
He reached out and caught my hand before I could stop him, placing the other hand around my back and jerking me against him. "Um, sir..?"
He rolled his eyes and let go of my back long enough to put my free hand on his shoulder. "That's an order, soldier. Now on three..." And thus I was waltzed rather sloppily around the private room of officer Kudou to the lilting tunes of Dean Martin.
When the song finished I ended up in a rather uncomfortable dip, Kudou smiling only inches from my face.
"You're a pretty good waltzer, Hidaka," he said lightly.
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"Be my guest, mambo king," he slurred.
"You're drunk and this is killing my back, sir," I said trying to stand up.
"So I am and so it is. Up you go!" he cried, yanking me back onto my feet. "Thanks for the dance all the same. Dancing alone just isn't the same."
I felt myself blushing, more from the ridiculousness of the whole affair than anything else. I knew Youji didn't mean anything by it, especially not when he was drunk. He was just that kind of guy. "Anytime, sir," I managed.
He chuckled and went back to his glass of wine. "What can I do for you, Hidaka? You want a glass of wine?"
"No, that's really ok, sir," I said, looking around the room. It was surprisingly neat. There were a couple suspicious looking piles of clothing in the far corner but other than that the floor was clear and the bed was even made. Pin-up posters and photographs decorated the walls along with a few political posters, most of which I didn't understand.
"Oh, c'mon, I insist. Have a glass, private, and that's also an order," he slurred, rummaging around on the desk for another glass. Apparently he didn't have another wine glass so I ended up sipping my wine out of plastic cup, but I didn't mind. With each successive sip, my angry thoughts about Ran dissipated a little bit more.
For a few moments we both stood, saying nothing, listening to Dean as he went into a rendition of 'Sway.'
When I looked up I noticed Kudou was staring blankly into his glass.
"What's the deal with Dean Martin?" I asked at length.
He smiled without looking up and nodded his head. "What is the deal indeed? My fiancée sent me the record. Dean is her favorite. She used to listen to it all the time. We'd stay up all night, just dancing alone to her records. Of course that was only after I'd climbed onto the roof of the porch and snuck into her room, things other than Dean on my mind, but it always ended up just being Dean. Heh, well not -always- but more often than not. I got a package from her a few days ago, with the record in it. She wants me to pick out songs for our wedding," his voice was soft and distant. I watched as he swirled the dark liquid in his glass a then took an absent minded sip.
I wasn't exactly sure what to say, because it was hard to interpret how exactly felt about picking out Dean Martin songs for his wedding. I took a sip of my wine and headed for high ground. "Well that was nice of her."
Youji snorted. "Wasn't it though? Heh, yeah Asuka is always thinking of me. She's a real team player, that she is. You wanna see a picture, Hidaka?"
"Umm... sure," I answered, figuring it was best to humor him.
He reached mechanically into his breast pocket and walked over to me, holding out a photograph. I took it from his hand and looked down into the smiling face of a very beautiful young woman. She had short, dark hair, dark eyes, and a beauty mark on her cheek. The kind of woman I expected Youji Kudou to be involved with, she reeked of class.
"She's beautiful," I said, handing the photograph back to him.
Youji chuckled and tucked the photo back in his pocket. "Yeah, my best friend apparently thought so too. Along with the record I got a letter from her confessing that she had a little lapse in fidelity. She swears it was a mistake and begs me to forgive her. She loves me, she says. She wants to be with me, marry me. I guess she just wanted to screw him that one time. And you know, why shouldn't I forgive her?" he said harshly turning his green eyes on me as if I had all the answers in the world.
I shook my head.
"I should be able to. We're all human, we make mistakes. I mean, fuck, I know I'm no saint. Do you have any idea how many women I've slept with here in Nam? Me neither, I lost track. So then it should be ok for her to do the same, right? It should be, but I just want to kill them both," he hissed.
I stared at him blankly, and took another sip of my wine. And here I'd been hoping to talk about my problems.
Kudou sauntered over to the desk again and grabbed the wine bottle, filling his glass, and then coming to fill mine. He grinned at me softly.
"You know what else, Hidaka? I blame myself. I am an ass-hole. I am a terrible boyfriend, and an extremely terrible fiancé. I've got terminal cold feet. I love Asuka so much it hurts, but every time I think about marriage, I start to feel sick to my stomach. You wanna know why I came to Nam, why I enlisted and became an officer? To postpone my wedding! My main motivation in going to war was to get as far away from commitment as I could for just that much longer. I didn't even tell Asuka until two weeks before I was scheduled to leave. Man was she -pissed-! Of course I had this whole song and dance about 'oh my country' and 'gotta stop the commies' blah blah blah. But it was all just an excuse to get away from the altar. And, you know what, this is what I deserve. And even though I know that... I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her. I love this woman, I do something stupid, she does something stupid to get back at me, and now... it's totally fucked. Just like that. Love sucks! Let me tell you right now, Hidaka," he said, stooping over conspiratorially. "If you ever fall in love, and I don't recommend it, but if you do, don't do -anything- to fuck it up. Because if you do, you will have fucked up everything in your life for the rest of eternity. Love sucks, so treat it with kid gloves. Don't go to Vietnam to get away from your fiancé. Promise me."
I swallowed dryly and nodded. "I promise."
"Figuratively speaking, of course."
"Of course."
He grinned at this and ruffled my hair. It seemed as if everyone had a habit of doing that. "Drink your wine and tell me what you want."
I took another sip of my wine and cleared my throat. "I just wanted to thank you for being understanding about this past week or so... since Omi passed away."
He shrugged and waved a hand at me. "Forget about it. It really bites what happened. Not cool. You've got the wrong kinda disposition for war, so I don't mind cutting you some slack. Is that all you wanted?" he raised an eyebrow, and I wasn't exactly sure what that was supposed to signify.
"That and to check on Swanny's status. How is he? Is he ok, Ran told me what happened..." I trailed off halfway thinking about Swanny, halfway thinking about Ran.
"Oh he did, did he? Yeah that and a bag of chips, probably," he said, and then snickered.
"Er... sir?"
He waved his hand at me absently and shook his head. "Nevermind, I'll talk to Fujimiya about it later. Swanny's fine. He just had a little nervous breakdown. And we all know what those are like," he said giving me a significant look.
I ducked my head, my cheeks flushing. "Yeah, I guess that's true. Well if you see him before I do let him know I'm thinking about him."
"Will do. Is that it?"
Unable to think of any way to segue into a conversation about Ran, I let the matter drop in my mind. I realized it really wasn't all that important anyway. I shook my head and took another swig of wine.
"Well good," he said, smiling. He walked over to the record player he had jimmied in the corner and turned it up.
-Hey mambo! Mambo Italiano! Hey Mambo! Mambo Italiano! Don't wanna tarantella! Hey mambo, no more mozzarella! Hey mambo! Mambo Italiano try an enchilada with a fish baccala!-
"Then mambo with me!"
I don't know if it was the ridiculousness of the whole situation, my empathy for Youji's emotional state, or the wine, but mambo I did. In fact I mamboed and talked with Kudou until we were both good and drunk and it was nearly lock down. Thus I left his room stumbling and giggling about Dean Martin. It was a good thing I was still thinking about Ran or I might have had the presence of mind to do something really embarrassing like kiss the lieutenant. Thankfully that never happened.
So it was in this inebriated state that I stumbled out of the officer's quarters and right into Ran. Literally. I lurched forward out of the doorway and fell against his chest. His hands caught my shoulders and I heard him cry out in surprise. It made me giggle and I looked up at him, clawing at his uniform, trying to get into an upright position. When I achieved this I stared happily back into his disbelieving, disapproving face and fell in love with him all over again. Without thinking of the potential consequences I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. I kissed him as passionately as I could in my rather unstable state, knowing he could taste the wine I had been drinking. He just stood there, too taken aback to do anything or stop me.
When I felt that I'd kissed him enough I pulled away and buried my head in his shoulder. "I love you, Ran. Don't fuck it up." There, I'd said it, and he couldn't to jack about it.
I proceeded to fall asleep against his shoulder, drooling slightly. I guess Ran must have been on his way to see Kudou, but I don't think he ever got there seeing as the next thing I remember is waking up in the middle of the night, tucked into my bed, Ran breathing softly against my hair, curled around my back.
The midnight hangover kept me from staying awake for too long, but not from smiling happily before drifting off again.
By the time morning revelry woke me up again Ran was, of course, gone. The sound of the bugle echoed through my head, making my wine induced hangover that much more unbearable. I rolled onto my back and stared at the bottom of Ran's bunk. Revelry sounded again and I heard the bunk squeal in protest as Ran rolled over, the mattress above me bulging as he shifted. His arm flopped over the side and dangled charmingly down, swinging slightly.
I stared at his hand for a moment, noticing how pale his skin was, and the way his fingers curled just slightly and twitched as the bugle sounded one more time. Without thinking about it, wanting only to touch him, I reached my hand up lazily to brush it against his long fingers. His hand stiffened momentarily and then relaxed again, his fingers opening slightly as I placed my hand within them, my finger tips brushing against his wrist gently before I slid my hand around his and held those long, artistic fingers inside of my worried, worn ones. I imagined him resting his head gently against his other arm, closing his eyes as his thumb began to gently stroke my hand.
I sighed, and closed my eyes as well. Then it was as if we both realized what we were doing at the exact same moment and our hands flew apart. Fuck! What was that about? The rest of the bunk house was waking up too, there were any number of eyes that could have been watching us, that could have seen. This thought made me sit bolt upright, looking around nervously. As I did, my head whipping to the side, I whacked it against one of the metal support cross beams on the bottom of Fujimiya's bunk and cursed.
"Fuck, my head!" I cried. Grumbling I pulled myself out of my bunk, one hand on my head, the other groping around the wall to keep myself steady.
Ran looked down at me with disapproving eyes, not that I was really paying attention at that point, and then swung his legs over the side of his bunk and slid down next to me. "You should be more careful," he said bluntly, and I knew he wasn't talking about my head.
I lifted my eyes and glared at him, not amused. "I'll keep that in mind," I grumbled.
This was to be my first day back at teaching with Ran. We had to go through morning training and mess before we caught a ride into the village. I wasn't looking forward to the process, and for some reason the idea of being alone with Ran in the afternoon was making me nervous. I hadn't forgotten about the day before or his sudden change in attitude. Even though at that time, in the morning, it seemed like everything was forgiven and forgotten, I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle Ran if he kept playing hold-you-close-push-you-away. Besides that I could feel a reprimand for my late night drunkenness coming on as well.
I watched, perhaps a little too interestedly, as Ran changed into his uniform. It was the first time since we'd become involved that I'd been able to watch him. I'd pretty much been out of it for the past week, and was either sleeping or pretending to sleep as the rest of the 326th got up and went about their morning routine. Either that or I'd just not had the presence of mind to watch him before. But for some reason that morning I remember how I could barely tear my eyes away from the smooth contours of his back as he pulled on a fresh white under shirt. The way his muscles moved beneath his pale skin was mesmerizing, beautiful even, and I wanted so badly to feel those muscles moving beneath my fingers. I watched the way he shook loose his red hair after he pulled his shirt down over his head, his eyes closed, his hands continuing to pull the white fabric down over his torso as he turned towards me.
I know it seems like I must have lost my mind entirely. First the drunken episode with the kissing and whatnot, then the hand holding thing, and now I just stood there, holding my own change of shirt in my hands watching him with a blank look on my face. It must seem like I was begging for the whole entire base to notice, but that wasn't it. I really just couldn't help myself. I wanted some confirmation that he'd heard my words the night before. I wanted confirmation of everything, and I wasn't content to wait. I wasn't content to be careful.
Before he opened his eyes again I turned away, not wanting him to notice that I was staring. He'd give me that look again. And who was he to tell me to be careful anyway? He was the one who wanted to get down and dirty behind the bunk house. My head hurt.
The more I thought about running around in circles with Ran and how much I didn't want to be in love and in the army at the same time, the more pent up I became. By the time we were all assembled on the field and training began I was so grumpy and fed up with my life that I forgot about my hangover. I did pushups like a maniac, trying to work out my frustrations. And the day had seemed to start out so well.
I grumbled over my poor excuse for scrambled eggs at mess, and bussed my dishes rather violently, letting them clatter together making a sound that matched my aggravation.
The ride into town was made in silence. I kept my eyes trained on the passing jungle, not trusting myself to look at Ran. I had this feeling that if I had to look into his eyes I'd lose my self-control and either throw myself on him or deck him. I wasn't sure which one was worse. Or which one would make me feel better.
I hopped out of the Jeep and made my way down the slope towards the makeshift school room without stopping to wait for Fujimiya. Somewhere in the back of my head I had the uncomfortable realization that I was being childish, but I didn't care. I was in a bad enough mood, and my hangover had come back. I think the fact that Ran didn't even seem to care that I was ignoring him only made me that much more frustrated. He was content to lag behind, silent and watchful. Maybe he figured I was just trying to be careful.
The students came, the students went. Ran seemed to have built up at least some sort of rapport with them. We did writing drills and speaking drills and Ran attempted to go over grammar, but no one seemed to quite comprehend what he was trying to get across. By the time class was over I'd gotten three offers from prostitutes and was thoroughly un-amused. As expected no one hung around to ask questions so it was just Ran and I staring at the walls.
"What a waste of time," I muttered, shredding a piece of paper into smaller and smaller pieces.
"Somebody thinks it's worth our time," Ran answered, looking up from where he was adjusting the knobs on the radio.
"Or they're just trying to distract us," I answered scattering the pieces of paper on the cement floor. It had started raining again, and I could see that water was pooling in the corners and running down the walls in small rivulets. "I hate this place."
"Base says they'll be a pickup in about three hours. They've got to pick up more guys working on the rebuild project. Think you can handle sitting around till then?" he asked after a few moments.
"What choice do I have?" I muttered.
"None," he answered quietly, standing up and moving around the room. He made his way to the back door and stood looking out at the river. I watched his back and then grumbled to myself, getting up and going to close the side door against the rain and chill dampness that rode on the air. Then I went to sit on one of the desks, my back facing him. The quiet was killing me.
I didn't hear his boots scuff across the dirt strewn cement; I guess I wasn't paying attention. I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt his hands on my shoulders and then run through my hair. His warm breath tickled my scalp as he leaned down and kissed the crown of my head.
"What are you doing?" I asked peevishly.
"You hit your head this morning," he stated into my hair as if that explained everything.
I chuckled thinly. "Yeah, I know. No thanks to you."
"What did I do?"
"Nothing..," I sighed. "Nothing at all, Ran."
There was a pause and Ran pulled away from me slightly. "Are you angry at me?"
I sighed again and leaned back, resting my head against his chest. His hands traveled slowly down my neck and shoulders, snaking down my chest where he rested them lightly. "No. Not really." But then again...
"Liar," he murmured against my hair. "We're alone now anyway."
"I guess we are."
This said I just sat there, my hands dangling between my legs, my head resting against Ran's chest. The steady beat of his heart sounded in my ears, and I closed my eyes, wishing that small moment of peace could last forever.
"Do you remember what I said to you last night?" The words came tumbling out of my mouth before I even knew I was talking.
He shifted uncomfortably behind me and stood up straight, his hands retreating slightly. There was an awkward silence and then he pulled away some more. "You were drunk."
I reached up, my heart pounding and caught his wrist before he could pull completely away from me. I turned on the desk and looked up at him angrily. "What does that have to do with anything?! Do you remember or not?!"
He looked at me for a moment, his dark eyes wary and hooded, and then he looked away from me, tugging on his arm. "Ken..."
"Ran! This is important. Tell me, please. I need to know that you understand that I'm serious about this!" I growled, yanking back.
"Hidaka, I told you already, I don't want to hear it, and I don't want to say it. And it's because of how serious I am that I won't let words kill you," he said intensely, turning to look at me again. I could see the anger in his eyes.
I sneered and let go of his wrist, slapping his hand away. "You superstitious bastard. I'm tired of playing these stupid games with you. One second you're hot as all hell and the next you're fucking ice. Just pick one and stick with it! I meant what I said, I know how I feel. I get nothing but confusion from you!" I cried, standing up and slamming the chair into the desk.
He glared at me and then rolled his eyes. He ran his hand through his hair before speaking. "How can I be any clearer for you? I told you my intentions, what do you want from me?!" he growled.
"I want to be close to you! I don't know anything about you; I don't know what you feel, or what you want. I want to be closer!" I cried angrily.
He stared at me for a moment and then took three quick steps towards me until he was less that half a foot away from me. I could hear his agitated breathing as he stood there, looking down at me. For a moment I tried to meet his eyes, to meet his intensity with my own. In the end those depthless, indigo orbs proved too much for me and I looked away. I'd said too much, demanded too much.
I felt his hand grip my hip sharply, his fingers working my flesh momentarily, grabbing at the fabric of my pants. Then he pulled me against him roughly, my pelvis meeting his as his other hand flattened against my back and helped to jerk me towards him. I looked up, startled, and found his eyes again. They were just as intense, but there was no anger in them. In fact the intensity that I found there then was completely different and it took my breath away.
"Is this close enough?" he breathed against my skin huskily.
I felt the blood rising to my face, a blush spreading across my cheeks. "This isn't what I meant," I hissed.
"This is all I can give you right now," he answered. "Take it or leave it."
I looked at him peevishly, and then slipped my arms around his narrow waist. "I guess I'll take what I can get. I'm sorry..." I leaned forward to rest my head against his shoulder.
He chuckled, swaying against me slightly. "For what?"
It was my turn to chuckle now. "I have no idea."
It was then that I felt his lips against my neck. I lifted my head in surprise, and he took advantage of the movement to get to the soft spot below my jaw. I sucked my breath in sharply, tilting my head back, my hands trailing to his sides where my fingers tangled in the fabric of his jacket. "Ah... Ran..." I breathed. His hair tickled my face, the cool, soft strands brushing against my cheek as he gently kissed at my neck.
He sucked at the base, sending little sparks of fire spreading through my skin. But it wasn't until he bit my earlobe, nipping it sharply and then pulling it into his mouth, teasing me with his tongue, that I moaned softly and realized that we were very close to being out of control. Once again the possibility of being discovered dawned on me and a sick apprehension settled in my stomach.
Pushing on his hips I began to squirm. "Ah... h-hey, Ran... wait," I breathed, trying to pull away.
But he wasn't listening to me. His arms only tightened around me, his fingers digging into my hip even harder, as he rolled his pelvis against mine suggestively. I admit it, it made my head swim. It made me feel like I was about to fall into nothingness, and most of me wanted it to go on, but a small, very strong part of me burned with a shame, a trepidation that refused to be ignored. Gritting my teeth against the sensations Ran was sending through my body I managed to grind out, "Wait.," again before I realized that we were moving backwards.
Moments later the top of my thighs impacted the lip of the long, makeshift teacher's desk. "No more waiting," he hissed, his breath hot and shallow against my skin.
He leaned into me until I had to release his shirt, hastily moving my arms behind me to prop myself up against the surface of the desk. His eyes met mine, and I knew he could see my hesitancy. I furrowed my brows, uncertain of what to do. I was the one who said I wanted to be closer, but now I was afraid again. I wondered briefly who was really playing hold-you-close- push-you-away... I was probably just as much at fault as Ran if I thought about it, but I didn't want to so I just closed my eyes and tilted my face towards his.
He took my lips with his without any hesitation. A wave of relief and heated passion swept though my body. Relief at not having to think anymore, and passion... well, that should be obvious. Greedily I opened my mouth and moaned, running my tongue against his lips until he obliged me and let me inside. As our tongues slipped against each other, both wanting to take and be taken, explore and be explored his hand reached up to roughly grab my hair, holding my head in place. He pulled me up against him, his arms snaking around my back, pressing me upwards. Now I practically had to support both or our weights, and I realized he had me at a sever disadvantage.
He used this, and I could feel him pressing against me, gently nudging my legs apart, weaseling his way between my knees. I moaned and gasped as I realized what he was trying to accomplish, shamefully finding myself acquiescing to his suggestions, leaning farther back, spreading my legs slowly until I was propped up against my elbows, nearly flat on my back, and he was leaning so far over that he could no longer hold me as he braced himself against the table with one arm, the other gently resting on my abdomen. Soon I found myself scooting farther back, pulling myself up as he settled between my legs, pressing himself against my crotch.
I blushed furiously as he rocked against me and I found myself pressing back to meet his hips, the erotic rhythm causing my breath to come short and my back to arch slightly as his kisses lingered longer and longer, and his hands began to work dirty magic on my body. Wherever he touched me my skin felt like it was seared. Slowly he pushed my jacket off my shoulders and down my arms, and then traced lazy swirls on my chest, teasing me with his soft touches and gentle machinations.
"Nn... Ran... you're going to... get us caught," I murmured, still unable to shake my trepidation.
"Shhh, just shut up and enjoy it. There's no one here but us," he whispered, starting to kiss and lick at my neck again. I groaned and tipped my head back, arching up into him. "Besides it doesn't seem like you really care all that much," he chuckled as his hand slid deviously beneath my shirt.
"Ah!" I cried sharply as he scratched his nails across my skin. I thought Ran might like to play a little rough. "Be nice," I hissed.
He looked up sharply, searching my eyes for a moment. "I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked quickly. His concern was endearing, and I took advantage of the moment to get off my elbows. I pushed up off the desk leaving my jacket behind, sitting up, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.
Standing up straight, Ran folded his arms around my body once again holding me close, his hands gently massaging my back. I heard the dull jingle of our dog tags as they clinked against each other. My fingers skimmed up the back of his neck, catching in his hair as I pressed my body against his, doing nothing more than enjoying the intimacy of the moment. We stayed like that for a little while, holding each other, able to be together like that for what really seemed like the first time. That rain drenched night on the field had been so rushed and unexpected; there had been no forethought there, no calculated tenderness. This was different, and unimaginably blissful.
I kissed Ran's neck softly, laying small pecks across his flawless skin. He sighed and shivered slightly, tiny goose bumps standing out where my lips graced his flesh. "Ken...," he murmured softly, sighing into my ear again. Smiling against his skin I purred softly, letting my hand trail down through his fine hair until it rested lazily on the nape of his neck.
"What?" I whispered to him, kissing his neck again, nuzzling my nose against him gently.
He didn't respond with words, but suddenly pulled me forward, stepping back so that I had to stand again still leaning against the lip of the desk. Then he pressed against me once more, rocking his hips against mine. Aching heat spread from my loins as I felt our growing needs for each other collide and echo.
Moaning shamelessly I tossed my head back, rolling against him, knowing only too well how to dance that dance. His hands pulled my shirt up, running over my smooth torso, caressing with deep, lingering strokes as he ducked his head, bending down so that he could kiss my chest. In doing so he began to slowly sink towards the floor, his knees buckling as he trailed soft attentions down my stomach, promising to finish what he'd started the day before behind the barracks. His tongue darted into my navel and I cried out softly, gripping the edge of the desk with white knuckles.
I was so caught up in the sensations that he spread through my skin that I paid little attention to his actual actions. It was all just one haze of longing and acceptance. It wasn't until I felt his fingers toying gently with the band of my uniform pants that I looked down and realized that he was on his knees before me, his intentions suddenly and startlingly clear.
I jerked, my face flushing, my hands flying out to catch his shoulders and push him back. "Ran, what are you doing?" I cried.
He was as startled by my reaction as I had been by my realization that he wanted to do -that- in a school room. He looked up at me sharply, obviously rather annoyed at being so unceremoniously shaken out of the zone.
"What do you think I'm doing?" he asked sarcastically.
"You... -we- can't do that here," I snapped.
"Why not?" he asked, no hint of a tease in his voice. He honestly wanted to know.
I worked it over in my mind and then, unable to give him an answer I knew he'd be satisfied with I just went on staring at him.
He went on staring at me. We stared for a few moments and then I raised my eyes to the ceiling. "What if someone comes....?"
He chuckled stupidly as if he'd just though of a great joke and then gave another tug on my waist band. "Well that's kinda the point, Ken," he said, peering up at me.
Rolling my eyes and looked back down to meet his, and found that they were full of an unusual lightness that I had never seen before. They were soft and open, dragging me into their smiling depths.
"That was crude," I said, smiling despite myself. "And that's -not- what I meant."
"I know. And who cares if someone walks in on us or not? They would no matter what we were doing, so if we're going to get caught we might as well make it worth our while," he said calmly, kissing my skin again.
"Mm," I murmured, running a hand through his hair. "What happened to Mr. Be-more-careful?"
"He's wants you really badly," Ran answered huskily, slipping two fingers into the waist of my pants. "So just relax, and let him have you."
I sighed, tightening my hand in his hair for one long moment before giving in and leaning back against the desk again, gripping the lip in anticipation of what was to come. It wasn't as if I could really argue with him, not with my body demanding that I acquiesce. The painful tightness of my pants was proof enough that I wanted him to have me.
No more words were spoken as Ran's long fingers slowly, torturously almost, worked at my belt. My breath caught in my chest as I felt him undo the bronze button and pull down my fly, his fingertips meaningfully brushing over the aching bulge there. I whimpered, biting my lip as he slid his fingers into the band on my shorts and with a silken grace pulled them, along with my pants, down to my knees, releasing me from my fabric prison.
Panting in anticipation, I closed my eyes, unconsciously spreading my legs a little farther. I hear Ran make a soft clicking sound in the back of his throat as he knelt before me, observing me shamelessly for the first time. My heart beat so fast that it made my whole rib cage ache. I shuddered as I felt his hand trail tentatively up the inside of my thigh and pause painfully close to the center of my unbearable desire for him.
Tipping my head forward, trembling as his fingers stroked every part of me but what I needed him to, I glared at the top of his smug looking head. "Ran," I growled. "If you're going to do this... do it!"
He chuckled huskily, "Indeed, you are impatient, Hidaka." But I could hear the barely contained desire riding on his voice.
He didn't hesitate any longer. His right hand slid gently around my balls, kneading them ever so softly as his left hand firmly gripped the base of my erection. I arched my back and moaned loudly, my mind going dizzyingly blank as I felt the first exploratory touch of his wet, warm tongue against my slit. With long, methodical strokes he teased me mercilessly until I was dripping sweetly into his waiting mouth and the sound of my driven cries mixed with his breathless panting.
What I felt that first time at Ran's hands was mind blowingly different than anything I had ever felt before. He was so tender and attentive, yet so slow and teasing at the same time. I wanted to scream for him to get on with it as it seemed as if time dragged on forever, his attentions never ceasing or leaving me a moment to collect myself. But the words never made it past my choked cries. My knees began to tremble, becoming weaker and weaker as my body was engulfed in pure erotic pleasure. I felt myself losing my grip on the table, and wanted so badly to sink to the floor, but Ran wouldn't let me. He kept me standing, shaking with desire and begging to be released.
When he released the base of my shaft, and ceased to play with me with his tongue and drew my head fully into his mouth, I though I would lose my mind. He took me in deeper and deeper, and as he did my breaths became shallower and shallower. I could barely moan his name as I at last tangled my hands in his hair and he took me that last bit, pulling me entirely into his mouth. I cried out silently as I arched my back madly, thrusting ever so slightly into him, the tip of my desire brushing against the back of his throat. I came, crying out harshly as that ultimate pleasure took me over and I spilled myself into his mouth.
He pulled away from me almost immediately, covering his mouth with his hand, and turning away quickly. My knees gave out and I slid down the desk, sweat dripping slowly over my skin as I sat trembling, my legs still splayed before him. My eyes fluttered open and closed as I tried to catch my breath. Running a shaking hand though my damp hair I tilted my head back against the hard wood behind me, and tried to breathe deeply.
Then I felt his cool hand on my face. I opened my eyes slowly to gaze into his beautiful face. There was a softness in his eyes that made me want to cry. I don't know why, but tears seemed like such a very real possibility. He smiled gently and pulled my head up, pressing his sweet lips to mine in a very tender, very much in love kiss. I could taste the husky earthiness of myself there and it made me tremble that much more.
A thought occurred to me and before I could think better of it I blurted out. "What did you do with it?"
He gave me the weirdest look and then smiled and rather stupefied smile. "What do you think I did with it?"
I looked at him blankly and then realized what he had done with it. Kase had never swallowed my cum... ever. He'd hardly ever let me come to an orgasm when he'd taken me in his mouth. I know it's kind of a perverted thing to find meaningful, but it was. To me it was, it meant something that Ran had so willingly taken all of me into himself. And as I thought about these things all I could say to him was, "Oh."
He shook his head and smiled again. I loved it when he smiled. He kissed me again then, a little more passionately than before, but I didn't mind. The only thing I minded was the feeling of freezing concrete on my bare ass. After a few more kisses I told him so and we chuckled softly as he hauled me to my feet and dressed me again. Then as he took me in his arms and held me gently against his chest, whispering softly in my ear, I started to cry.
I didn't mean to or even know why those salty tears slipped from my eyes and slowly soaked his uniform jacket. But it didn't seem to matter to Ran; he was happy to sway there with me, holding me solidly in reality, stoking my back, and petting my hair. I clung to him, weeping silently, wishing I could stop.
"I'm sorry, Ran," I whispered. "I should... I should do something for you. Just..."
"Shhh, you don't have to do anything. There's time," he said softly.
"I don't know why I'm crying," I said quietly after a few moments.
He pulled me closer, kissing my forehead gently. "Grief, Ken."
"But why now?" I whispered. "Why should I grieve when I'm finally with you?"
"Strong emotions play off each other. It's ok, grieve. I'll keep you safe, I won't let the pain destroy you," he said urgently.
I sobbed against his chest, my arms coming up to clutch at his body, taking refuge in his warmth. He lowered us slowly to the ground again, resting his back against the desk where I had been only minutes before and pulled me between his legs. I buried my face in his neck, letting myself get lost in his scent, relaxing my defenses, letting him take the weight of my heart. Images and memories swam through my head and I just let them come. I didn't care about holding them back anymore. There was no reason to hide. Ran was there. I was safe as long as I was with him.
When I had cried all my tears I started to tell Ran about my family, whatever came to my mind came out of my mouth. Paradise among the wretched. I don't know if he really cared, but he didn't stop me. His strong, assuring hands just kept caressing me gently as we sat together. It was peaceful and calming, and utterly wonderful. We stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon, almost two hours, until we had to walk up to the road to wait for the transport.
I don't remember anything about the ride back to base that day, or even anything else that happened for that matter. But I know that when I went to bed that night I wasn't thinking about how things would end, or even what would happen the next day. And that's a good thing because the next day wasn't going to be all that great.
* * * * * *
Afterthoughts: Smutty. Very smutty. I had originally intended for there to be a -lot- more plot in this chapter... but the smut came and took over. Once again... do I hear complaining? No.
Oh and there was originally a random snippet of thought from Ken's mind smack dab in the middle of the smut, but Lilas (my grand beta-er) said it ruined the mood. So I am sticking it here for posterity. Go army boot!!
"I have to take a moment here to explain how entirely foolish you feel doing these things while wearing army boots. It wasn't the uniform or the pants... it was the boots. They're just so... unromantic, probably the last thing you want to be wearing while trying to get into the mood. Or course at this point I was way over the getting into the mood part, I was already there, so I could ignore for the most part the idiocy I felt when I realized that I was wrapping army boot clad legs around my lover. Well, whatever."