Disclaimer: There once was a man from Nantucket, whose... Ok, I'll stop.
Not mine, not yours, but always a pleasure.
Comments: Look at this!! What is this?! And update from Marty that took less than a month to get done?!?! Could it be?! Yes yes it could!! Hans took a short vacation and I took advantage of the opportunity to write this down in record time before he came back and sat on my creative processes once again. Anyway, this is really long! 22 pages on my computer, so hang in there! Marty went to Walmart today... she bought Cheese-its. She is happy. Ok, so onward!! Enjoy and don't forget to review of else I will find the ugly stick and beat you with it!!!! Later.
__________________________________________________________________
The taxi pulls up to a stoplight, the slowing motion gently rocking me back into reality once again. Banzai snuffles and looks up at me nervously from where he is resting his head in my lap, and my lips twitch into a tiny smile as I continue to gaze out into the bleak world. I notice absently that we've pulled up next to a park. I can see a large pond beyond a line of trees. Children playing happily despite the rain.
I realize that it isn't raining anymore. Golden swathes of light are filtering ethereally through the clouds, bathing patches of the wet earth in soft light. It reminds me of those long empty days in the rain when the sky would clear just long enough to remind you that life went on, to make you want to bathe in the sunlight another day. So brief, so beautiful.
"I'll get out here," I say suddenly, tapping the cabby on the shoulder before I know what I'm doing.
As I reach for the door handle he looks back at me sharply. "Hey! The old lady said I was supposed to take you home, buddy."
I shove my weight against the door and it pops open. Stepping hastily out onto the rain slicked pavement, I reach into my wallet and pull out a ten spot, tossing it back through the door and into the front seat. "Thanks," I say flatly and then whistle to Banzai as he hops down from the cab. Without a backwards glance I dodge between the other cars at the light and walk purposefully towards the shining world before me.
Thinking about nothing, at least trying to clear my mind, I pick up sticks, tossing them for Banzai, watching them arc out over the sloping grass. He bounds after them gleefully, no other thought in his dog brain than to get that stick and bring it back. Do it again... do it again... do it again... please...
I find myself catching my breath as the echo of those words sounds in my mind with different meaning. Whispered remembrances, hastily insisted pleas. Warm breath on the shell of my ear, warmth... everything was so warm. But I'm getting ahead of myself again. Those memories, so painful and sweet. They torture me more than anything else. I want to let myself fall into that pain and live in the past, in that one past. Forever, it was whispered, forever and ever, never let go.
I wanted to hang on. I would have, but you can't hang onto nothing. When there's nothing left, when groping in the dark leaves you empty handed, you can't hang on to the darkness alone. But I've tried. Oh how I have tried.
"Hey, mister! That's a groovy dog you got there!"
The sound of the child's voice makes me jump as it rips through my reverie. Sucking in air sharply I turn around to see three children standing, staring at me. How bizarre. Smiling weakly I shake my head. "Thanks, boys."
"What kinda dog is he?" one of them asks.
"Greg, you don't know that it's a he," one of the kids, the only girl, says sharply. "Isn't that so, mister?"
I smile and squat down, so that I can talk to the kids on their level. "Yeah, that is so. But Banzai is a boy dog. And he's a mutt, a little of this, a little of that. Mutts make the best dogs, cause they're smart."
The little girl looks a little crestfallen that Banzai is in actuality a boy, but she perks up again when the first little boy starts to talk again. "That's cool. I wish I had a dog, but my mom thinks they're dirty. Is your dog dirty?"
I shake my head. "Not at all. Sometimes I think he's cleaner than I am," I chuckle. The kids find this pretty funny and giggle along with me. "You guys can play with him if you like."
"For sure?! Awesome!" one of the boys, the younger one cries. The older one is giving me a funny look. I grin at them and nod.
"Hey, mister. Are you a Gook? My dad told me not to trust Gooks, cause they're sneaky. He fought in the war against the Gooks. You look like a Gook," the older boy says, his eyes narrowing.
I think about Swanny and Nagi for some reason, and find myself smiling sadly. Kids these days. Shaking my head I reach out to ruffle the kid's hair. He pulls away slightly, but doesn't protest. "No, I'm not a Gook. In fact I fought in the war your dad did, see?" I point to my name on my army jacket and the AHC pin on my lapel. "So it's ok, you can trust me."
The kid looks like he still isn't so sure, so I pulled my hand back and glance out over the grass to where Banzai is chewing up the end of his stick. I whistle. "Oi, Banzai! Come 'ere boy!" His ears prick and he springs to his feet, tongue lolling happily.
"Russell, Greg! What are you doing?! How many times have I told you not to talk to strangers?!" The voice, high pitched and panicky, draws me back to the present situation. I turn my head again to see what is obviously the mother figure hurrying towards us.
Greg, the little one, turns around and calls out, "It's ok, Mom. He's not a Gook, we already asked!"
I almost start to laugh, but the woman just looks so highly flustered, blushing as she rushes forward to collect her children, that I contained myself.
"Gillian, your mother is going to be worried about you, run along back to the swing set," the woman says hastily as she grabs her sons' hands. "I'm sorry about this," she mumbles perfunctorily, glancing at me.
"It's alright they were just..."
"Awww, Mom! We were just gonna play with his dog!" the little boy cried, tugging against his mother's arm.
"Dogs are filthy," she snaps. "I'm sorry they bothered you." She shoots me another swift, nervous glance and then begins to drag her children away. I wave at them as they cast me one more backward glance.
I sigh. Such is life.
By the time Banzai reaches me, yipping excitedly, an emaciated stick hanging out of his mouth (,) the kids are long gone. I pat his head and shrug. "Sorry boy, there were almost some playmates for you. How about we take a little walk?"
There is a gravel path that runs the circuit around the pond, so, jamming my hands into my pockets, I nod to Banzai and head out. It isn't a very long walk, but for some reason I feel so tired after going only a little ways. Up ahead I can see a swing set set up a little farther up the rise. Looks like a good place to sit down. Trudging up the hill, I call softly to my dog, "Go find a stick, boy." And off he goes.
As I lower myself into the swing, feeling the dull ache of tension in my back and legs, I sigh heavily, gripping the wet chains with my shaking fingers. I hope that Mary isn't trying to call me at home to make sure I got there. If she is, and finds out I'm not there she's not going to be happy with me. What a pain... but I guess it's nice to know someone cares. The thought makes me smile and I think about my mother. And Yuriko. And Kase.
Kase... I never did contact him, not even when the war was over. For all he knows I'm dead. For some reason this thought gives me comfort. Even after everything, I'm glad it can be so easy on him. He probably never even thinks about me anymore. He probably doesn't care. I wish it could be that easy for me to forget. Not Kase. I'm not talking about Kase, screw Kase. I stopped caring about Kase the first time I felt Ran Fujimiya's lips descend upon my own, the first time I realized that I had never known what love felt like until then.
Kase was nothing. Sloppy firsts. The thought makes me smile.
I rest my forehead against the cold, thick chain and close my eyes. I might as well get this over with. I might as well just give in. I feel that warm breath against my ear, hear the words echoed in my mind. God, what I wouldn't give...
* * * * * *
Eventually Ran and Kudou found me. Everything between finding Crawford and Ran finding me is a blank in my mind. Later Ran would tell about how they found me... us, Crawford and I. He said that I was just sitting against the wall, staring at Crawford. I wasn't screaming anymore, my voice was gone, but my lips moved quickly, forming hushed, unintelligible words. I know now that I was most likely talking to myself in Japanese. I had always had a tendency to do that. Whenever I got stressed or flustered the words just started coming out. It had always been bad enough being picked on in school for being Asian, but the fact that I would start babbling uncontrollably in another language only added fuel to the fire.
Ran told me later that Kudou had vomited just after he turned down the music. His shaking hand slipped from the knob as he doubled over and retched beside the Lieutenant Commander's desk. Kudou and Crawford had been close, comrades in arms, fellow officers. I knew that Kudou had done all he could to save Bradley Crawford from himself, but in the end it was to no avail.
What I next remember is being jolted into reality as Ran shook my shoulders. The rocking motion, my head nodding forwards and backwards made me ill. I'd been shaken and beaten and punished enough for one day. Crying out I tried to push him away. I didn't want anything to touch me. It felt already as if the room was closing in, and my head spun with a sickening dizziness. The smell of blood and gunpowder and now vomit as well was overwhelming.
"Yameru!!"* I screamed, my voice cracking in my ears, protesting its use.
I'd tried to pull away from Ran. For some reason I had to see Crawford, my mind demanded that I validate the horror. It was so unreal, I couldn't believe it. I was going crazy, everything was going crazy. But Ran's hands were holding me firmly, not letting me go anywhere. Struggling against him I shut my eyes and fought as hard as I could.
"Yameru, bakayaro! Iya! Hitori ni sasete!"* I cried, not even knowing that he couldn't understand me.
"Ken!" he cried desperately. "Ken, stop it. You're scaring me. Look at me!"
The sound of his voice, so full of fear and desperation drained all of my strength away. I could no longer fight him and so I suddenly fell still, my head falling forward, my arms drawing inward to cover it. "Ie... onegai... onegai... yameru onegai,"* I whispered, pleadingly. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted the smell to go away, the pain in my head to go away, the images assaulting me to go away. My breaths came in choked, desperate gasps as I felt my airways constricting as I began to sob. I shook with the power of my grief and confusion. Tears slid from my eyes and down my face in a hot stream of bitter salt.
"Hidaka...," my name slipped from Ran's mouth like a tiny cry of helplessness. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't do anything. "Please, Ken. I don't know what you're saying. Look at me, talk to me, please."
"Fujimiya!" Youji's voice, harsh and strained broke through the little world of insanity around us. "Get him out of here!"
I felt Ran turn, his hands never leaving my body. "I can't! I don't know what's wrong with him, he won't move!" he growled back at Kudou.
"Then fucking pick him up, I don't care! Just get him out of this godforsaken room! Take him to mine until I can get this shit taken care of!" he cried.
"Youji..." there was an odd, distant quality to his voice, and I realized that this was the first time I'd ever heard Ran call Kudou by his first name.
"Just do it!" he cried. "Oh fuck, Bradley... oh God, Brad, why?!"
Fujimiya turned back to me and I felt his hands fall upon my arms, prying them away from my head. "Hidaka, listen to me. Let's get out of here. Come on, Ken, don't do this now!" he cried.
How could I deny him anything? Shaking, I lifted my head and looked at him blankly. How beautiful his eyes were then. Deep indigo reflected the darkness of my soul, shining in his unearthly pale face. Such flawless grace and beauty, such endless desire. His concern, his desperation made him all the more beautiful, as the pain of a wounded child shone in those deep eyes. I didn't want to make him look that way. So hurt and frightened that it shook me. But what could I do? I was drowning in the madness around me, drowning in the fires of a hell I could not reconcile.
"Ran-kun... koibito... ai... ai shiteru, itsumo,"* those words just poured out of my mouth like liquid, tumbling over my tongue and lips. I knew he had no idea what I was saying, and indeed even I didn't know why I was telling him this now, but I wanted him to know, before it was too late.
"Let's get you out of here," he said gruffly, grabbing my arm and hauling me to my feet. But I had no strength. My knees buckled as I caught sight of the gruesome display across the Lieutenant Commander's desk again. A keening wail built in my throat and I fell against Fujimiya. "Shit," he hissed, and then hauled me up into his arms, carrying me out of the madness and into the light of the hallway. I'd never been carried like that before. It was disconcerting.
The rocking motion caused by Ran's movements was adding to my nausea. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to put me down again, but I couldn't find the words to tell him. Now when I tried to speak nothing came out, not Japanese, not English, nothing. So I let him carry me, carry me down the hall, through the coming and going of the fluorescent lights overhead until we reached the officers' private rooms. We reached the door where only two days ago I had spent a careless, drunken evening. I recalled absently that I had spoken with Crawford immediately before that. That was really the last time I had talked to him. All of his words came rushing back. All the bitterness and disgust in his voice.
He had only wanted to do his best, be the best that he could be and win that damn war. Another good man, driven to desperation, betrayed by the country he loved so well.
The door was unlocked. Ran struggled for a moment with the knob and then quickly pushed his way inside, walking jerkily to Kudou's bed and setting me down. For a short moment while Ran collected himself and went back to shut the door I just lay there, breathing softly against the Lieutenant's blanket, breathing in the way he smelled. It was a pleasant smell, strong and comforting. Then I forced myself to sit up, drawing myself together in a tight ball, pushing my back against the wall.
Ran came to sit near me, looking at me, peering intently as I stared through my knees at nothing.
"Hidaka, say something," he said hoarsely.
Opening my mouth I toyed with the few words that came to mind and rejected them, closing it again.
The bed sagged and groaned as Ran moved closer to me, pulling himself up onto the bed. The cool caress of his fingers played along my cheek and I closed my eyes. His other hand reached up to touch the other side of my face so that he could turn me gently to look at him. He soothed my skin, running his cool hands across its flushed surface. "Talk to me," he whispered.
This time when I opened my mouth a hiccup caught in my throat and I whimpered against the rising tears. Before I knew it I was crying again. Crying... always crying. I was sick of crying, sick of being so weak, but what could I do? "He killed himself," I sobbed almost without sound.
The sigh of relief from Ran was audible. He didn't care what I said, only that I said something he could understand. Overcome, he suddenly gathered me in his arms and pulled me tightly against his chest, crushing me into him. My hands fisted his shirt, grasping him madly, as I buried my head in his chest. He rested his back against the wall and held me to himself, stroking my hair.
"I thought I'd lost you," he hissed sharply against the crown of my head. "I thought you were gone... just like Swanny."
The mention of Swanny's name made me weep all the more. I thought about my tormented comrade, a man that I had begun to think of as a friend, and I cried for him. It wasn't fair. Maybe Swanny was right. What right did I have to be getting on with things? Hadn't I loved Omi? My comfort, my solace was found in Ran. He was the only thing that kept me from just giving up and giving into the madness around me. But what right did I have to love him, and be loved by him? It was all on the sly, so secret and hidden. It was something no one else could have, an escape from the pain that only I could find comfort in. For the first time I felt guilty for loving Ran. Guilty and alone.
Sucking in a wet breath, I struggled to sit up in his arms so that I could see his eyes. For a moment in time we were lost in each other, staring so deeply into each other's souls that it seared.
"I'm so sorry, Ken," he murmured, running his thumb beneath my eye, trying in vain to banish the tears that fell freely down my cheek. "All I want to do is keep you safe, and I'm never there when you need me. I keep letting you get hurt. First Tsukiyono... now this."
"Nothing is your fault," I whispered. "If it wasn't for you... if you weren't here to be with me, if you didn't... if you didn't care for me, then there would be nothing. I'd have gone crazy the day Omi died."
He closed his eyes for a moment and held back a choke, before taking my face in his hands and abruptly bringing our lips together. He kissed me with such forceful passion, moaning and sobbing at the same time as if he couldn't control his longing. It was sloppy and startling. Not the most gracious or tender kiss, but it was undeniably urgent. He broke away, only to come back again and again to place one last kiss on my trembling, bruised lips. Finally he trailed a few hasty kisses along my jaw and then pulled me against him again, panting in my ear.
"I won't let you get hurt again. I won't lose you. Not this time. I won't. I won't!" he said fiercely crushing me in his arms. Oh the blissful warmth, the endless comfort that I found there. Clinging to him, I breathed in his scent, and was soothed. But even so my guilt could not be shaken.
"I don't deserve this," I whispered. "Everything that has happened is my fault. My fault that Omi died, my fault that Crawford was blamed. All because I couldn't ignore that damn Gook kid... I couldn't leave him to die."
"I wouldn't have fallen for you if you had," Ran answered softly.
"But then I wouldn't have needed you to either," I replied sadly.
Ran stiffened at my comment and I knew it was cruel, but I couldn't help but think it was true. If none of that had ever happened I wouldn't have needed Ran to keep me safe and sane. I could have admired him from afar, been content to get just a little closer. It would have been so much less painful. I could have been so much stronger.
Shifting against him, I pulled myself closer. "I'm sorry, Ran. I didn't mean to sound like that. Don't leave me, please. Don't ever leave me alone. I need you now. Stay with me... forever."
He relaxed again, sitting back, pulling me partway into his lap. Wrapping my arms around him I rested against his chest, synchronizing my breathing with his. It felt so nice.
"I will stay... as long as I can," he answered, kissing my head.
I wasn't sure I was satisfied with his answer, but I knew the importance of not making promises. Closing my eyes I lay against him, waiting. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for, but I knew that I was where I wanted to be.
I must have drifted off, because I was brought suddenly to my senses by the sound of the door opening. I tried to pull away, but Ran held me firmly against him. "Kudou," I said hastily.
Ran looked down at me and smiled weakly. "It's ok. Don't worry about it."
So I didn't. I just let myself stay there with him, watching apprehensively as the door swung slowly inward. Kudou stepped through, and turned slowly to appraise us. His face was so weary. His eyes were lined with dark rings and his clothes were smeared with blood. I realized that they must have moved the body. Whoever they were. I didn't want to think about it.
Youji didn't so much as flinch when he saw us sitting there. He gave us a long look and then snorted softly, closing his eyes and nodding. "I figured as much," he muttered as he turned away. "Jesus, Ran, not again. Don't you ever learn?"
Ran didn't say anything. He let his head tip back to rest against the wall and tightened his arm around me. I couldn't look at the Lieutenant. I didn't even want to know what his words meant.
After a few moments the tension dissipated and Kudou turned away, going to slump in his chair. "Holy fuck," he muttered. "I called all the officials to tell them. The bastards couldn't even pretend to care. Just another officer gone the fritz. Shit. I... I just can't believe it. He was right here, right here earlier today, and now... he's gone. Brad... why? It wasn't that bad, Bradley. It can never be that bad."
He looked up at me and I pushed away from Ran some, not wanting to be so obvious. It was awkward.
"Are you stable, private?"
"Er... I.. I think so, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, I'm fine now. I'm sorry, sir."
"Screw being sorry. I would have freaked out if I'd been the one to find him. With that music... all alone. Jesus. Well, there's nothing more to do now. Take some pills and go to bed. I've gotta make an address to the base tomorrow. Get out of here, both of you. And don't do anything stupid," he said pointedly.
Ran and I both understood what he meant. We didn't have to reply. Untangling ourselves from each other's embrace we stiffly got to our feet and left the Lieutenant's room without another word. He didn't seem to mind.
For some reason, in my memory, that walk back to the barracks was the longest one I'd ever taken.
A dark cloud settled over Pang Nuan the next morning after Kudou's address. Rumors had started flying the night before, all wild suppositions and accusations. But the entire base was blown away, caught off guard, by the reality of the truth. When all the details finally came to light it turned out that Crawford had indeed been relieved of duty, with intent for further investigation concerning the Vietcong bombing incident. He'd already been found guilty of neglect of duty, without so much as a military trial, and was on the fast track towards a court marshal and dishonorable discharge. Crawford hadn't been able to take it. He couldn't take being backstabbed and accused by the country he loved and served so well. His intentions had never been less than admirable. His death was his last statement, his final proof to the world that he was no traitor. He would rather have died still an officer in the US Army than lived a life of falsified shame. He wanted to die with honor.
Of course that wasn't the way the officials liked to construe things. As far as they were concerned Bradley Crawford's suicide was nothing more than simple proof that he was guilty and knew it. He couldn't face the trial and the public humiliation of being brought to light.
Brought to light for what?! He hadn't done anything. He'd only given shelter and care to a fellow human being. The consequences of that action were uncertain. It was all so much supposition.
The days passed in a haze of routine once again. Everyone was oddly quiet as officials came and went, going over the story just one more time. Kudou was temporarily ordered to take over as the base commander, and he obeyed without enthusiasm. Ran and I continued to go into Sang Cho-na to teach English three times a week, but it was all just routine. I felt so very little. It was as if I had used up all of my strong emotions that one night, and now I was just floating.
My nights became more and more tortured. Again and again I would wake up from nightmares, taunted by the faces of the dead and dying. I dreamt of the kid and Crawford and the man who had been thrown out of the chopper on my first out. Always there was so much blood. I could smell it in my dreams and I hated it. I would wrestle and fight with the souls of the dead and my own guilt. My nightmares were indescribably terrifying and when I woke I would be talking in Japanese again.
Fujimiya tried to help me, but in the darkness of the bunk house I would always push him away. I didn't want anything to touch me when I woke from those dreams. Sometimes I couldn't even form coherent thoughts and would go on babbling inanely in my mother tongue. I think it was the talking in Japanese that scared Ran the most. He hated it. He would shake me if he could get to me and growl at me to speak in English. But it didn't matter to me. When he touched me I'd only yell all the more, so eventually, as the days and nights wore on he wouldn't try to stop me.
I can tell you that the rest of the men in the bunk house were not too terribly pleased with me during that time. I imagine I woke them all up on more than one occasion, but nobody really seemed to want to do or say anything about it. I think most of them hoped I would just finally go section eight and get shipped out of there.
It was only after Swanny tried to commit suicide a week later and was consequently shipped north for therapy, that I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to end up like him, and I hated myself for making Ran worry so much that he was sick. I could see the helplessness in his eyes and he stopped eating well. My falling apart was breaking him, and I knew that if I couldn't pull myself together for my sake I'd have to do it for his.
That's why I started taking the pills again.
And it helped. I could sleep again, I could breath again, I could find happiness in Ran's company again. Things slowly started to get better. Base calmed down and another official commander was sent in. I never got to know him very well. After Crawford's death I really didn't feel like getting to know anyone well anymore. I never knew his first name, or even if the name we were given to call him was his real name, but he was known as Lieutenant Commander Botan.
What I remember about him was that he was very much the opposite of Crawford. He was jovial and talkative. He often made the rounds to check up on the soldiers, taking time to chat with them about life and what not. Physically he was the opposite of Crawford as well. Where Crawford had been lean and tall, Botan was rather squat and blocky, a powerful looking man. He had a firm jaw line and impressive eyebrows. All in all he couldn't have been much different from our former Commanding officer, but that was probably what the army wanted.
About two weeks after Crawford's suicide Ran and I were called to Kudou's office. There had never been any further discussion or mention from any of us about that night. Not one word, and it made me nervous. I was relieved to see that Jei and Max were already in Kudou's office when we got there. The meeting couldn't possibly have been about what he had seen between Ran and I.
"At ease, men," Kudou drawled tiredly as the four of us lined up in front of his desk. "I remember the last time I had all four of you in here is when this shit started," he grumbled as an afterthought.
The four of us exchanged glances and I saw Schuldich shift uncomfortably.
Kudou took out a packet of papers and flipped through them perfunctorily and then sighed, leaning forward, folding his hands on his desk.
"Alright, here's the deal. A new mission has come in. But before I can tell you anything about this mission I need to know that you are willing to participate," Kudou scanned us for a moment and then focused his attention on me. "Hidaka, are you fit to fly?"
I felt myself balk at the question. Closing my eyes I thought about flying. My god was I ever ready to fly. Anything... anything that would get me off of the base and out into freedom. My fingers itched to be behind the controls, and I even missed the sound of gunfire. "I'm fit sir. I'm ready."
Kudou kept looking at me. "You say that now... but things could get hairy out there. I don't want you losing it mid-flight. It's been known to happen. You feel fine now, but when you get back out there things change. I need to know that you are ready for active duty again."
I paused. "I'm ready, sir. I came here to fly and I will."
"I still want you to get checked out before this mission takes effect, but until then I'll take your word. Well then. Now that that's settled. I am assuming the rest of you are willing to put it on the line here. So let's get down to business. About three months ago several large units managed to break through, taking a significant chunk of land from behind enemy lines. Since that time they have been engaged in guerilla offensives with the Vietcong, holding their position and slowly trying to clear the area. Unfortunately it's been a losing battle for us ever since. About a month ago we 'officially' agreed to a withdrawal from the area if the North Vietnamese would give us the freedom to get our men out of there. This was agreed to. Of course things never go the way they are supposed to. A team of Green Berets was left behind in secret to continue to harass the Vietcong outposts in the area. The Army does not officially recognize this group, since doing so would obviously cause a lot of negative consequences in the peace talks. Nonetheless, we are supporting these boys. Since we have no official jurisdiction in the area there are no official supply lines running. They are wet, they are hungry, and they are getting a lot wetter and a lot hungrier with each day."
"A pull out mission, sir?" Schuldich broke in curiously.
Kudou shook his head. "No. Not at all. A supply run. Someone has to bring those boys ammunition and food. This mission is off the books," he said sternly, glaring at each of us in turn. "You cannot talk about it, this never happened. It's a night mission. A late fly. You will leave here just before dusk on the appointed day and return by noon. Getting there is more important than getting back, I'm sorry to say it, but that's how it is. The risk is high. You will be flying solo, just the two choppers, over Viet infested territory. The drop will be hazardous. I won't dick around with you. There is a very good chance that the four of you will never be standing together in this office again. But this mission is imperative. There are a lot of wretches counting on you."
We were each then given a mission briefing packet to look over. We weren't allowed to take them with us. We were going to be heading out in three days. We'd be assigned our co's tomorrow and be re-briefed with them then. With that we were dismissed and the four of us walked from the room giving one another nervous glances. I wasn't sure I liked the way the mission was shaping up.
None of us said anything as we made our way back to the barracks. We weren't allowed to anyway.
The next day Ran and I were trucked into Sang Cho-na for our class. We were going to have to tell the students that class was canceled for the rest of the week. I just hoped that they'd understand.
On the way into the village the driver looked back at us and grinned. "The rebuild on Willy Ng's is done, did you know? I heard they re-opened last Friday. If I were you two I'd head over for a drink, pick-ups not coming into town till about nine tonight. Might be a good chance to get a little... recreation in. If you catch my drift," he said, chuckling.
I smiled at him weakly, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Ran glance at me momentarily before going back to stare at the passing road. I wasn't sure what to make of his glance.
Class was long and unusually boring that day. The only amusement lent to the situation was the prostitutes and their confirmation that Willy Ng's was indeed open for business again. We were invited to come and see for ourselves... "Me love you long time." Just peachy.
When the class dispersed Ran radioed the base to confirm that pickup was late. It was. We were stranded in Sang Cho-na for at least seven hours.
"Ugh, what the hell," I grumbled. "We have a briefing, don't we?!"
"If there's nothing we can do, there's nothing we can do," Ran replied quietly. He was sitting with his head bowed over the radio as if he were tired. His hands were folded in front his him, his hair fell into his eyes.
I walked over to him, my boots scuffing along the cement floor and put my hand on the back of his neck. He breathed softly at my touch and murmured. I let my fingers work gently against his skin, trying to soothe the tension there. "Is something bothering you?" I asked.
"What about you?" he countered. "How are you, Ken? I can't tell anymore."
I was a little startled by his statement and pulled back. "What do you mean?"
He shook his head and turned to face me. "I just don't know. I can't tell if you are here or gone or what anymore. You were such a wreck, and there was nothing I could do for you. Now... I don't know if you're ok, or hurting still... hurting more. I feel like I can't do anything."
I stared at him for a moment, and let my eyes fall. "I'll be ok." I didn't want him to know that I was taking the anti anxiety drugs again. I felt like doing so was betraying him. But sometimes... love wasn't enough.
"And what about this mission? Are you ok with it?" he asked, reaching out to take my hand. I let him twine his fingers with mine.
I scoffed. "Of course I am. I'm a pilot, flying is what I do, Ran."
He shook his head, his eyes becoming slightly angry. "Didn't you listen to what Kudou said? The chances of getting shot down are high, Ken. We could die, or be captured. You could die, I could die, Farfarello and Schuldich could die. If you want to know the truth, Hidaka, I'm scared. I'm scared that this is going to be over, that I will lose you without ever having known you. Without ever having held you the way I want to."
It took me a moment to realize what Ran was saying, what he was trying to tell me, and when I did I felt my stomach clench as my eyes snapped up to meet his. He was right. One or all of us could die the next day, and I could lose my love for Ran, never having been with him, never having given myself to him.
"Ran..." I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
He stood then and put his other hand on my cheek. His eyes were unfathomably deep and soft. He stared into me sadly and then kissed me once. "Will you come with me?" he asked tentatively.
He didn't have to say where. I knew where. And without hesitating I nodded. "Anywhere," I whispered.
Thus we locked up the school room and made our way up the slope, walking the road into the village.
I felt my heart quicken fearfully as we came upon the newly finished, scrubbed and polished façade of Willy Ng's: American Style Bar. I remembered how the place looked the last time I had been there, and the last time I had been there wasn't something I enjoyed remembering.
Ran saw my hesitation and misinterpreted. He paused and looked up at the sky. "If you don't want to do this..." He cast me a small glance and I could see the potential hurt in his eyes.
I smiled at him, shaking my head. "That's not it at all. I was just thinking about the last time I was here, that's all. Let's get out of the street, I think its going to start raining soon."
I followed Ran into the bar, and not surprisingly it was fairly empty. Along the bar a few older farmers sat hunched over, nursing their glasses. We were greeted enthusiastically by Willy.
"Ah, GI, GI! Welcome to Willy Ng, yes yes. Have a seat I pour you whiskey, huh? A drink and then maybe... eh?" he chuckled. Again I had that odd feeling that his mustache wasn't real.
Ran glared at him and then pulled his wallet out of his pocket. "One room, no whore, leave me alone."
Willy stopped mid greasy smile and blinked rapidly. "Ah... ah so, of course. Sure sure, you wanna room, sure a room. Why not? You sure you don't want a girl, I got new girl, young girl. She very good sucky sucky," Willy simpered as he shuffled back to the bar. Slipping behind it he ducked down and when he popped back up he was holding out a key. "No girl, you sure? So so, twenty dollar, last room, all the way down. What you want room for anyway? I dunno, you sure no girl?"
"I'm sure," Ran said darkly, handing a twenty to Willy, and taking the key. He didn't even look at me as he turned and headed for the stairs. I have never since or before felt that awkward in my whole life. I didn't look around as I headed after Ran, I really didn't think I would be able to stomach it.
I remember vividly every detail of that room. It exuded a sense of filthy depravity. It was the kind of place where you feared to touch anything and anything you did touch had a strange stickiness to it. Nothing looked or felt clean, but at that point in time we weren't in any position to be picky. The headboard of a bed was shoved against the far wall, a single window was cut into the wall adjacent to the bed. A pale, sickly light shone in through what I later realized was plastic, not glass. There was a single skinny table with a bowl of water on it set just inside the door. The bed itself was an old iron frame and a single mattress on a board. The mattress was covered with a bottom sheet, stained with things I didn't even want to guess at, and a top sheet that was also stained, although not to the same extent.
But like I said, I didn't care.
I heard the door click shut behind me and then turned to look at Ran. When our eyes met something very odd happened. We were both suddenly very shy, and I could see a faint blush chase across Ran's white skin. He took a few steps towards me, holding out his hand and I took it, closing the space between us. I reached up tentatively and touched his face, feeling how warm his skin was beneath my trembling fingers.
"Hey there," I said softly.
He smiled and put his hand on my hip, tugging gently. "Hey." We stared at each other for a few more moments, smiles playing across our faces as we suffered under the awkwardness of the situation. "Are you sure about this?"
Bringing Ran's hand to my lips I kissed his fingers softly, closing my eyes, brushing my cheek against his knuckles. "I'm sure."
The grip he had on my hip tightened and pulled me towards him. He was smiling at me, tenderness shining from deep in his eyes. "I want you so badly," he murmured as I kissed his hand again, nipping the soft skin.
"Then take me, I'm here for you, Ran," I answered, looking up from his hand.
He kissed me then, his lips hesitantly brushing mine as I breathed into him. He sighed deeply, taking my face in his hands and pressing his soft lips to mine, searching for acceptance. And he found it. I moved my lips against his as warmth spread through my entire body, my stomach twisting and filling with feathery wings. The faster my heart beat the more urgently I pressed myself against him, my arms reaching around his back, my hands tangling in his jacket. When I pulled his tongue into my mouth, playing a dangerous game of push and shove with him, I felt his hands suddenly trail down my neck, slipping into my jacket, pushing it off my shoulders and down. I understood and swiftly released him, shaking off the remains of the confining garment, letting it fall away, unimportant. And then it was my turn to begin to undress him.
Soon we stood, kissing with an unbridled, fervent need, Ran's hands cradling my face as I ran mine just under the hem of his white undershirt. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't get enough of the way his skin felt. It was unbelievably soft and smooth, both warm and cold. My hands caressed him unceasingly, wanting more, massaging the muscles of his strong back as my arms slipped farther around him.
Panting, we moved against each other, swaying to a rhythm that only we could hear.
"Ken... oh, God," he whispered harshly as he began to lick my neck. I groaned, blushing deeply, digging my nails into his back as he began to nip at the sensitive skin below my ear.
"Mmm," I murmured softly.
He stood straight, flushed and panting, and looked deeply into my eyes. "I want to touch you, see you, everywhere. We have time, Ken. Let's take our time," he said softly.
I nodded and leaned up to kiss him again. "Time is good."
Ran then took my hand and led me to the bed. We both stood for a moment, looking at it skeptically. "It's better than the floor," I said bluntly.
Ran glanced at me and grinned. "True. I wish this could be..... more intimate, better, something. I'm sorry, Ken," he sighed.
I shook my head, touching his face. "Being with you is all that matters to me. I don't care where. This is perfect." To show him that I meant it I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned back, smiling at him with come-hither eyes.
Ran looked at me strangely for a moment and then sat beside me, reaching out to run his hand over my chest, tracing the outline off my muscles with his fingers. He let his fingertips brush ever so slightly over the buds of flesh which were quickly responding to his attentions. A rush of air escaped my lips and I closed my eyes. His touch alone was heavenly. Endlessly blissful.
Then his hands moved beneath my shirt and I sat up so that he could lift if from my body, peeling it off slowly. The lightness of my heart was almost unbearable as his hands began to move over my bare flesh. I burned and tingled, elated by his touch. His kisses fell once again upon my lips, pulling me farther and farther into him. Reaching out, I searched for his shirt, groping blindly as my eyes squeezed shut against the sensations. I wanted so badly to feel his bare skin against mine. Nothing else mattered anymore.
Soon I had succeeded in my goal, and I took a moment to breathlessly observe him, his beautiful body revealed to me as he sat there, looking back with love in his eyes. I grabbed his dog tags and pulled him towards me, chuckling softly. As I lay back, pulling him after, the coolness of the sheets met my back making me shiver unexpectedly. He leaned over me, watching me intently and then kissed me again, his tongue running over my lips to be met with my own. I can't even begin to describe how it felt to be with him like that. The world just faded away, everything was gone but him and me and that tiny room.
Hands reached out, exploring, testing, teasing. Bodies shivered and moaned, asking for more or less. We played like this for some time, content to experience each other fully for the first time. His mouth explored my body, starting at my neck and traveling over my chest, stopping to suck agonizingly at my nipples, making me cry out softly and tangle my fingers in the silken coolness of his hair. He continued his descent until he could tease my navel again; it seemed to be one of his favorite ploys. I chuckled softly as his breath and lips and fingers all tickled my skin.
Here he paused, resting his porcelain cheek against my shivering stomach, kissing my skin once and then sighing softly.
"I could be happy like this forever," he said softly.
Unable to find anything to say in response I said nothing, only ran my fingers soothingly through his hair. We stayed like that for a short time, just being with each other, no words needing to be said.
Finally he sat up again and reached out for my hand pulling me after him and then pulling both of us to our feet. Our eyes met and I knew what he wanted. Closing my eyes I asked him to kiss me, and he did, taking my lips gently. I knew what to expect next, but I still jumped when I felt his hands on the waist band of my pants, tugging at the button, pulling at the fly. I groaned softly as his fingers brushed over my waiting arousal. I followed suit and let my own hands travel to his fastenings.
We undressed each other slowly, taking our time to appreciate each other and attend to each other's unspoken pleas. When we lay back down on the bed, embracing tightly, never wanting to let go, I thought I would die from the happiness I was feeling. My heart had yearned so long for the acceptance and caring I felt in Ran. For so long I had felt so alone and abandoned. My family rejected me, my friend, my lover as well. And here, finally, I was wanted. Loved even; even if he couldn't tell me so.
I was so hungry for him.
Lying beneath him, caught up in his arms, I spread my legs and let him settle between them. He moaned gently as I arched my back and rocked against him, our members rubbing and growing harder at the touch. My breath caught in my throat as the friction grew between us, our hips meeting, the pace speeding and slowing in a mock of love making. The burning heat grew in my body and I wanted more, sweat breaking out on my skin and I spread my legs farther. My breath came in short pants as did his, our breath mixing and mingling within each other and without.
"Ran... ngh... more! Ah! Oh God, please," I breathed, twisting beneath him, raising my hips as I clung to him feverishly. I just wanted him to touch me everywhere. I wanted to feel every part of him against every part of me.
He didn't speak as he kissed my collar bone and raised himself up above me, leaning back so that he knelt between my legs. I blushed as he looked down at me and I up at him. I was so shamelessly exposed, bearing my need for him with no protection from his intense gaze.
Those long fingers... what exquisite torture they could wreak upon my senses. He began then to stroke my shaft, brushing the tips of his fingers over my most sensitive spots, rubbing with aching gentleness against the slit at my head. My precum wept forth and he gathered it on his fingers. I could do nothing but tremble and moan beneath his ministrations. Splutters and gasps caught in my throat as he moved me forward, on towards completion. But I knew he would not make it so easy for me, and the knowing made my pleasure all the more intense.
When his fingers rubbed tentatively against my anus for the first time, little ripples of erotic shock coursing through my bloodstream, I cried out wordlessly. My back arched off the bed and my fists involuntarily grabbed at the sheets. It had been so long. So long since I had done anything like this, and even then Kase had never made me feel this way. He had never been so patient and attentive. I felt the slickness of my own essence on Ran's finger as he stroked the tight muscle around my small entrance. Heat rushed my face and I moaned as one of his fingers slid inside of me. Oh god it felt so good! He stroked the soft inside lining, crooking his finger, slowly, tortuously massaging the sensitive flesh of my inner body.
"A-... ahhh... un... oh, Ran," I gasped, sounds catching in my throat, unable to escape.
When he began to insert a second finger my eyes flew wide, a long groan seeping from my throat. Now along with the pleasure there was pain. Wonderful, exquisite, sensual pain. I forced down a small cry and bit my lip, my whole body shivering at his intrusion. Then I forgot all about the pain as his fingers began to work inside me again. The deeper he pushed the more my head spun, darkness crowding in around my vision, moans and whimpers coming unbidden to my lips. And then, finally he brushed against the hidden center of my pleasure.
"Ran!" I screamed, arching my back, bucking upwards, my muscles contracting around his long, slender fingers.
As if to purposefully torment me he then withdrew his fingers, leaving me waiting and panting before him. I moaned at the emptiness I now felt within me, and shakily forced myself to sit up. I wanted to see him, to be near to him. My legs were spread around his waist, so I simply pulled myself forward, wrapping my arms around his neck, so that I could kiss him. I felt weak, and my kiss was sloppy, but I don't think he minded. I leaned farther forward so that I could kiss and lick along the flawless skin of his neck.
"Let me touch you," I whispered in his ear and my hand slipped down from his neck, sliding between our bodies and down, down his silken skin until I found what I was looking for. He wasn't as hard as I was, I had not yet paid him any attention, so I wrapped my hand around him and began to stroke him gently.
The fluttery breaths he issued were all the encouragement I needed to continue, and continue I did. He held me tightly, resting his head on my shoulder, panting against my skin. His teeth grazed me, nipping sensually as I attended to him. His fingers dug into my back. I loved what I could do to him.
He tensed and shook. "No..." he whispered, "Not yet, not yet. Aa-... Ken, wait, not yet."
I understood his plea and slowly ceased my rhythm, releasing him and trailing my hand over his abdomen. He sighed, both from frustration and relief and then pushed me back onto the bed again.
"Hey, it's not nice to push," I chuckled huskily.
"I wasn't worried about being nice," he answered, kissing me with a smiling mouth.
For a moment we play wrested, nipping and scratching, tickling and touching, until I wrapped my legs around his waist and used all my leverage to flip us over so that I was leaning over him, straddling his body. I grinned at him wolfishly. "I win," I intoned.
He looked up at me with hooded eyes and smirked. "Are you sure?"
I nodded and then leaned down to kiss him passionately. He opened his mouth and I explored him deeply, tasting him so fully that I can taste him still. When I pulled away I smirked right back. "Positive."
"I'm not so sure," he answered huskily as his hands came up to grip my hips. "As far as I'm concerned you're right where I want you."
"I guess that means we both win," I murmured, rocking against his abdomen, the friction causing me to moan softly.
Quickly overcome by the erotic haze that moving against Ran was causing I could do nothing but obey him as I felt his hands begin to guide me backwards, pushing on my hips until I felt the head of his erection brush against the cheeks of my ass. I shuddered, knowing what came next, wanting it and dreading it. To make love to Ran, there was nothing I wanted more, but this... I didn't think anymore as I lifted myself up, and let his hands guide me as I positioned myself above the tip of his engorged cock. I spread my legs even wider, wanting to grant him access to my most private self. My body trembled as I waited above him.
The pulling on my hips told me it was time. Neither he nor I could wait any longer. Neither wanted to.
Lowering myself slowly I let him take me for the first time. The pressure of his head against my anus made me groan loudly as my eyes slid shut and I licked my lips. An aching, burning, growing pain spread all through my loins as he entered me, pushing past the tight band that sought to close off my body from him. Gasps and shivers took over my body and I cried out, arching my back. God lord, it had been so long. Slowly, gradually I continued my descent, his thick member pushing farther and farther into me, pushing my bones aside, forcing there to be room.
My eyes teared as the pain built, but Ran's hands kept me steady.
"Go gently, Ken," he moaned softly, his hands gripping my hips that much tighter. Looking down at his face I was taken away by the pleasure I found etched there. His brows were furrowed and his mouth worked over the tiny gasps and whimpers that escaped it. He was beautiful. The fact that I could do this to him made me want him all the more, and I pushed myself farther onto him, letting him impale me. Then, no longer able to stand the suspense, knowing I was only prolonging my own torment I grit my teeth and shoved myself down onto him the rest of the way.
We cried out at the same moment. A sharp, short scream tore from my throat as he moaned long and loud, his body tensing at erotic pleasure swept though him.
After a moment I found my breath and took a quick gasp of air. So deep. He was so deep inside of me. He touched that spot, pressing against my prostate, causing unbelievable ecstasy.
Quivering, shaking arms reached out, holding and caressing as he pulled himself up, sitting against me. My legs wrapped around his back as I shifted, now sitting in his lap. Hands fisted hair, mouths sought each other blindly, as bodies trembled against each other, taken away by and overcome with pure sensation.
For a time we sat together, merged as one, and did nothing but feel and touch and appreciate. Nothing stirred, we were simply one. Tears slid from my eyes and his as well. We sought to kiss them away as the fell, but it didn't matter, for these tears were not tears of pain or regret. They were tears of love and happiness and bliss.
Then he stirred with in me, rocking, thrusting into me gently. I clenched around him, gasping and moaning. We started a rhythm, awkward at first as I struggled to synchronize my movements with his own, but soon we were moving slowly together, long deep strokes touching that place every time, making my head spin and swim, causing the room to dance. It felt so good. So amazingly good, unbelievably. Nothing had ever felt that good in my whole life.
That time with Ran was not my first time. Of course not. Kase and I had been lovers in every sense of the word. But with Kase... letting him take me was always something I had endured for him, it had never been particularly enjoyable. In fact it was often so abrupt and rushed, to the point of being truly painful. Kase didn't mean to hurt me, he would never have wanted to hurt me, but he just didn't think about it. I never complained, I just endured it for him, knowing he took pleasure from my body. I never thought it could be any other way.
But at Ran's hands I felt nothing but pleasure. Feeling him within me, stirring and moving inside of my body though admittedly painful at points was wholly nothing but pure ecstasy. He was so patient and giving, moving so gently, so slowly.
As we made love for the first time on that bed I was transported to another world. His strong arms encircled me, holding me firmly in that place and time. Nothing mattered anymore but what he made me feel. Whimpers and moans, cries of passion and pleasure filled my ears and throat. I had never made love before. Never like that.
Building towards our climaxes we both suddenly and urgently desired more. I urged him to take me deeper, faster, harder, whatever! I just wanted more. Then I was on my back again as he knelt between my knees, rocking into me again and again. In and out, back and forth, my hips moved with his, rising and falling, meeting and pulling away. I cried out again and again, crying his name, crying for release. He did the same, panting and moaning, seeking my lips with his to quiet our cries.
And then, suddenly it was over. Everything inside of me went tighter than a spring. I tensed, and felt the telltale contraction of my insides. It took one more thrust from Ran, hitting home, to send me over the edge, and I came so hard that my whole body shook, warm, creamy strings of my seed spilling out between our bodies covering us both with my essence.
"Aaah!! Ran... ngh... oh, my God."
His orgasm followed mine, the automatic constricting of my muscles around him pulling him after me into climax. He screamed my name as I felt the hot, hard liquid stream as it spilled into my body, filling me completely and running out of me, dripping from my stretched anus and down my body as he pulled out of me. It felt so strange to be without him. My body quivered and trembled as I tried to move, but I couldn't. I was all but spent. It was all I could do to murmur his name and reach my arms out to him, pulling his head down to my chest.
And so, in the afterglow we lay silently together, partaking of each other's warmth and comfort. I closed my eyes, and thought I might drift off to sleep.
As I just began to drift away he nuzzled against the skin of my chest, kissing me lightly. He murmured something against my skin, something I wasn't supposed to hear, but hear it I did.
"I love you."
__________________________________________________________________
* Yameru : Stop
* Yameru, bakayaro! Iya! Hitori ni sasete! : Stop it, you bastard. No! Leave me alone!
* Ie... onegai... onegai... yameru onegai : No... please... please... stop it, please
* Ran-kun... koibito... ai... ai shiteru, itsumo : Ran-kun... my lover... I... I love you, always
Afterthoughts: Well that was rather smutty once again. I hope it all seemed plausible and what not. Now you see that happy button at the bottom of the page? Hmmm? PUSH IT!!! C'mon, punk! Make my day.
Review review. Push it push it push it!!
Comments: Look at this!! What is this?! And update from Marty that took less than a month to get done?!?! Could it be?! Yes yes it could!! Hans took a short vacation and I took advantage of the opportunity to write this down in record time before he came back and sat on my creative processes once again. Anyway, this is really long! 22 pages on my computer, so hang in there! Marty went to Walmart today... she bought Cheese-its. She is happy. Ok, so onward!! Enjoy and don't forget to review of else I will find the ugly stick and beat you with it!!!! Later.
__________________________________________________________________
The taxi pulls up to a stoplight, the slowing motion gently rocking me back into reality once again. Banzai snuffles and looks up at me nervously from where he is resting his head in my lap, and my lips twitch into a tiny smile as I continue to gaze out into the bleak world. I notice absently that we've pulled up next to a park. I can see a large pond beyond a line of trees. Children playing happily despite the rain.
I realize that it isn't raining anymore. Golden swathes of light are filtering ethereally through the clouds, bathing patches of the wet earth in soft light. It reminds me of those long empty days in the rain when the sky would clear just long enough to remind you that life went on, to make you want to bathe in the sunlight another day. So brief, so beautiful.
"I'll get out here," I say suddenly, tapping the cabby on the shoulder before I know what I'm doing.
As I reach for the door handle he looks back at me sharply. "Hey! The old lady said I was supposed to take you home, buddy."
I shove my weight against the door and it pops open. Stepping hastily out onto the rain slicked pavement, I reach into my wallet and pull out a ten spot, tossing it back through the door and into the front seat. "Thanks," I say flatly and then whistle to Banzai as he hops down from the cab. Without a backwards glance I dodge between the other cars at the light and walk purposefully towards the shining world before me.
Thinking about nothing, at least trying to clear my mind, I pick up sticks, tossing them for Banzai, watching them arc out over the sloping grass. He bounds after them gleefully, no other thought in his dog brain than to get that stick and bring it back. Do it again... do it again... do it again... please...
I find myself catching my breath as the echo of those words sounds in my mind with different meaning. Whispered remembrances, hastily insisted pleas. Warm breath on the shell of my ear, warmth... everything was so warm. But I'm getting ahead of myself again. Those memories, so painful and sweet. They torture me more than anything else. I want to let myself fall into that pain and live in the past, in that one past. Forever, it was whispered, forever and ever, never let go.
I wanted to hang on. I would have, but you can't hang onto nothing. When there's nothing left, when groping in the dark leaves you empty handed, you can't hang on to the darkness alone. But I've tried. Oh how I have tried.
"Hey, mister! That's a groovy dog you got there!"
The sound of the child's voice makes me jump as it rips through my reverie. Sucking in air sharply I turn around to see three children standing, staring at me. How bizarre. Smiling weakly I shake my head. "Thanks, boys."
"What kinda dog is he?" one of them asks.
"Greg, you don't know that it's a he," one of the kids, the only girl, says sharply. "Isn't that so, mister?"
I smile and squat down, so that I can talk to the kids on their level. "Yeah, that is so. But Banzai is a boy dog. And he's a mutt, a little of this, a little of that. Mutts make the best dogs, cause they're smart."
The little girl looks a little crestfallen that Banzai is in actuality a boy, but she perks up again when the first little boy starts to talk again. "That's cool. I wish I had a dog, but my mom thinks they're dirty. Is your dog dirty?"
I shake my head. "Not at all. Sometimes I think he's cleaner than I am," I chuckle. The kids find this pretty funny and giggle along with me. "You guys can play with him if you like."
"For sure?! Awesome!" one of the boys, the younger one cries. The older one is giving me a funny look. I grin at them and nod.
"Hey, mister. Are you a Gook? My dad told me not to trust Gooks, cause they're sneaky. He fought in the war against the Gooks. You look like a Gook," the older boy says, his eyes narrowing.
I think about Swanny and Nagi for some reason, and find myself smiling sadly. Kids these days. Shaking my head I reach out to ruffle the kid's hair. He pulls away slightly, but doesn't protest. "No, I'm not a Gook. In fact I fought in the war your dad did, see?" I point to my name on my army jacket and the AHC pin on my lapel. "So it's ok, you can trust me."
The kid looks like he still isn't so sure, so I pulled my hand back and glance out over the grass to where Banzai is chewing up the end of his stick. I whistle. "Oi, Banzai! Come 'ere boy!" His ears prick and he springs to his feet, tongue lolling happily.
"Russell, Greg! What are you doing?! How many times have I told you not to talk to strangers?!" The voice, high pitched and panicky, draws me back to the present situation. I turn my head again to see what is obviously the mother figure hurrying towards us.
Greg, the little one, turns around and calls out, "It's ok, Mom. He's not a Gook, we already asked!"
I almost start to laugh, but the woman just looks so highly flustered, blushing as she rushes forward to collect her children, that I contained myself.
"Gillian, your mother is going to be worried about you, run along back to the swing set," the woman says hastily as she grabs her sons' hands. "I'm sorry about this," she mumbles perfunctorily, glancing at me.
"It's alright they were just..."
"Awww, Mom! We were just gonna play with his dog!" the little boy cried, tugging against his mother's arm.
"Dogs are filthy," she snaps. "I'm sorry they bothered you." She shoots me another swift, nervous glance and then begins to drag her children away. I wave at them as they cast me one more backward glance.
I sigh. Such is life.
By the time Banzai reaches me, yipping excitedly, an emaciated stick hanging out of his mouth (,) the kids are long gone. I pat his head and shrug. "Sorry boy, there were almost some playmates for you. How about we take a little walk?"
There is a gravel path that runs the circuit around the pond, so, jamming my hands into my pockets, I nod to Banzai and head out. It isn't a very long walk, but for some reason I feel so tired after going only a little ways. Up ahead I can see a swing set set up a little farther up the rise. Looks like a good place to sit down. Trudging up the hill, I call softly to my dog, "Go find a stick, boy." And off he goes.
As I lower myself into the swing, feeling the dull ache of tension in my back and legs, I sigh heavily, gripping the wet chains with my shaking fingers. I hope that Mary isn't trying to call me at home to make sure I got there. If she is, and finds out I'm not there she's not going to be happy with me. What a pain... but I guess it's nice to know someone cares. The thought makes me smile and I think about my mother. And Yuriko. And Kase.
Kase... I never did contact him, not even when the war was over. For all he knows I'm dead. For some reason this thought gives me comfort. Even after everything, I'm glad it can be so easy on him. He probably never even thinks about me anymore. He probably doesn't care. I wish it could be that easy for me to forget. Not Kase. I'm not talking about Kase, screw Kase. I stopped caring about Kase the first time I felt Ran Fujimiya's lips descend upon my own, the first time I realized that I had never known what love felt like until then.
Kase was nothing. Sloppy firsts. The thought makes me smile.
I rest my forehead against the cold, thick chain and close my eyes. I might as well get this over with. I might as well just give in. I feel that warm breath against my ear, hear the words echoed in my mind. God, what I wouldn't give...
* * * * * *
Eventually Ran and Kudou found me. Everything between finding Crawford and Ran finding me is a blank in my mind. Later Ran would tell about how they found me... us, Crawford and I. He said that I was just sitting against the wall, staring at Crawford. I wasn't screaming anymore, my voice was gone, but my lips moved quickly, forming hushed, unintelligible words. I know now that I was most likely talking to myself in Japanese. I had always had a tendency to do that. Whenever I got stressed or flustered the words just started coming out. It had always been bad enough being picked on in school for being Asian, but the fact that I would start babbling uncontrollably in another language only added fuel to the fire.
Ran told me later that Kudou had vomited just after he turned down the music. His shaking hand slipped from the knob as he doubled over and retched beside the Lieutenant Commander's desk. Kudou and Crawford had been close, comrades in arms, fellow officers. I knew that Kudou had done all he could to save Bradley Crawford from himself, but in the end it was to no avail.
What I next remember is being jolted into reality as Ran shook my shoulders. The rocking motion, my head nodding forwards and backwards made me ill. I'd been shaken and beaten and punished enough for one day. Crying out I tried to push him away. I didn't want anything to touch me. It felt already as if the room was closing in, and my head spun with a sickening dizziness. The smell of blood and gunpowder and now vomit as well was overwhelming.
"Yameru!!"* I screamed, my voice cracking in my ears, protesting its use.
I'd tried to pull away from Ran. For some reason I had to see Crawford, my mind demanded that I validate the horror. It was so unreal, I couldn't believe it. I was going crazy, everything was going crazy. But Ran's hands were holding me firmly, not letting me go anywhere. Struggling against him I shut my eyes and fought as hard as I could.
"Yameru, bakayaro! Iya! Hitori ni sasete!"* I cried, not even knowing that he couldn't understand me.
"Ken!" he cried desperately. "Ken, stop it. You're scaring me. Look at me!"
The sound of his voice, so full of fear and desperation drained all of my strength away. I could no longer fight him and so I suddenly fell still, my head falling forward, my arms drawing inward to cover it. "Ie... onegai... onegai... yameru onegai,"* I whispered, pleadingly. I just wanted everything to stop. I wanted the smell to go away, the pain in my head to go away, the images assaulting me to go away. My breaths came in choked, desperate gasps as I felt my airways constricting as I began to sob. I shook with the power of my grief and confusion. Tears slid from my eyes and down my face in a hot stream of bitter salt.
"Hidaka...," my name slipped from Ran's mouth like a tiny cry of helplessness. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't do anything. "Please, Ken. I don't know what you're saying. Look at me, talk to me, please."
"Fujimiya!" Youji's voice, harsh and strained broke through the little world of insanity around us. "Get him out of here!"
I felt Ran turn, his hands never leaving my body. "I can't! I don't know what's wrong with him, he won't move!" he growled back at Kudou.
"Then fucking pick him up, I don't care! Just get him out of this godforsaken room! Take him to mine until I can get this shit taken care of!" he cried.
"Youji..." there was an odd, distant quality to his voice, and I realized that this was the first time I'd ever heard Ran call Kudou by his first name.
"Just do it!" he cried. "Oh fuck, Bradley... oh God, Brad, why?!"
Fujimiya turned back to me and I felt his hands fall upon my arms, prying them away from my head. "Hidaka, listen to me. Let's get out of here. Come on, Ken, don't do this now!" he cried.
How could I deny him anything? Shaking, I lifted my head and looked at him blankly. How beautiful his eyes were then. Deep indigo reflected the darkness of my soul, shining in his unearthly pale face. Such flawless grace and beauty, such endless desire. His concern, his desperation made him all the more beautiful, as the pain of a wounded child shone in those deep eyes. I didn't want to make him look that way. So hurt and frightened that it shook me. But what could I do? I was drowning in the madness around me, drowning in the fires of a hell I could not reconcile.
"Ran-kun... koibito... ai... ai shiteru, itsumo,"* those words just poured out of my mouth like liquid, tumbling over my tongue and lips. I knew he had no idea what I was saying, and indeed even I didn't know why I was telling him this now, but I wanted him to know, before it was too late.
"Let's get you out of here," he said gruffly, grabbing my arm and hauling me to my feet. But I had no strength. My knees buckled as I caught sight of the gruesome display across the Lieutenant Commander's desk again. A keening wail built in my throat and I fell against Fujimiya. "Shit," he hissed, and then hauled me up into his arms, carrying me out of the madness and into the light of the hallway. I'd never been carried like that before. It was disconcerting.
The rocking motion caused by Ran's movements was adding to my nausea. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted him to put me down again, but I couldn't find the words to tell him. Now when I tried to speak nothing came out, not Japanese, not English, nothing. So I let him carry me, carry me down the hall, through the coming and going of the fluorescent lights overhead until we reached the officers' private rooms. We reached the door where only two days ago I had spent a careless, drunken evening. I recalled absently that I had spoken with Crawford immediately before that. That was really the last time I had talked to him. All of his words came rushing back. All the bitterness and disgust in his voice.
He had only wanted to do his best, be the best that he could be and win that damn war. Another good man, driven to desperation, betrayed by the country he loved so well.
The door was unlocked. Ran struggled for a moment with the knob and then quickly pushed his way inside, walking jerkily to Kudou's bed and setting me down. For a short moment while Ran collected himself and went back to shut the door I just lay there, breathing softly against the Lieutenant's blanket, breathing in the way he smelled. It was a pleasant smell, strong and comforting. Then I forced myself to sit up, drawing myself together in a tight ball, pushing my back against the wall.
Ran came to sit near me, looking at me, peering intently as I stared through my knees at nothing.
"Hidaka, say something," he said hoarsely.
Opening my mouth I toyed with the few words that came to mind and rejected them, closing it again.
The bed sagged and groaned as Ran moved closer to me, pulling himself up onto the bed. The cool caress of his fingers played along my cheek and I closed my eyes. His other hand reached up to touch the other side of my face so that he could turn me gently to look at him. He soothed my skin, running his cool hands across its flushed surface. "Talk to me," he whispered.
This time when I opened my mouth a hiccup caught in my throat and I whimpered against the rising tears. Before I knew it I was crying again. Crying... always crying. I was sick of crying, sick of being so weak, but what could I do? "He killed himself," I sobbed almost without sound.
The sigh of relief from Ran was audible. He didn't care what I said, only that I said something he could understand. Overcome, he suddenly gathered me in his arms and pulled me tightly against his chest, crushing me into him. My hands fisted his shirt, grasping him madly, as I buried my head in his chest. He rested his back against the wall and held me to himself, stroking my hair.
"I thought I'd lost you," he hissed sharply against the crown of my head. "I thought you were gone... just like Swanny."
The mention of Swanny's name made me weep all the more. I thought about my tormented comrade, a man that I had begun to think of as a friend, and I cried for him. It wasn't fair. Maybe Swanny was right. What right did I have to be getting on with things? Hadn't I loved Omi? My comfort, my solace was found in Ran. He was the only thing that kept me from just giving up and giving into the madness around me. But what right did I have to love him, and be loved by him? It was all on the sly, so secret and hidden. It was something no one else could have, an escape from the pain that only I could find comfort in. For the first time I felt guilty for loving Ran. Guilty and alone.
Sucking in a wet breath, I struggled to sit up in his arms so that I could see his eyes. For a moment in time we were lost in each other, staring so deeply into each other's souls that it seared.
"I'm so sorry, Ken," he murmured, running his thumb beneath my eye, trying in vain to banish the tears that fell freely down my cheek. "All I want to do is keep you safe, and I'm never there when you need me. I keep letting you get hurt. First Tsukiyono... now this."
"Nothing is your fault," I whispered. "If it wasn't for you... if you weren't here to be with me, if you didn't... if you didn't care for me, then there would be nothing. I'd have gone crazy the day Omi died."
He closed his eyes for a moment and held back a choke, before taking my face in his hands and abruptly bringing our lips together. He kissed me with such forceful passion, moaning and sobbing at the same time as if he couldn't control his longing. It was sloppy and startling. Not the most gracious or tender kiss, but it was undeniably urgent. He broke away, only to come back again and again to place one last kiss on my trembling, bruised lips. Finally he trailed a few hasty kisses along my jaw and then pulled me against him again, panting in my ear.
"I won't let you get hurt again. I won't lose you. Not this time. I won't. I won't!" he said fiercely crushing me in his arms. Oh the blissful warmth, the endless comfort that I found there. Clinging to him, I breathed in his scent, and was soothed. But even so my guilt could not be shaken.
"I don't deserve this," I whispered. "Everything that has happened is my fault. My fault that Omi died, my fault that Crawford was blamed. All because I couldn't ignore that damn Gook kid... I couldn't leave him to die."
"I wouldn't have fallen for you if you had," Ran answered softly.
"But then I wouldn't have needed you to either," I replied sadly.
Ran stiffened at my comment and I knew it was cruel, but I couldn't help but think it was true. If none of that had ever happened I wouldn't have needed Ran to keep me safe and sane. I could have admired him from afar, been content to get just a little closer. It would have been so much less painful. I could have been so much stronger.
Shifting against him, I pulled myself closer. "I'm sorry, Ran. I didn't mean to sound like that. Don't leave me, please. Don't ever leave me alone. I need you now. Stay with me... forever."
He relaxed again, sitting back, pulling me partway into his lap. Wrapping my arms around him I rested against his chest, synchronizing my breathing with his. It felt so nice.
"I will stay... as long as I can," he answered, kissing my head.
I wasn't sure I was satisfied with his answer, but I knew the importance of not making promises. Closing my eyes I lay against him, waiting. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for, but I knew that I was where I wanted to be.
I must have drifted off, because I was brought suddenly to my senses by the sound of the door opening. I tried to pull away, but Ran held me firmly against him. "Kudou," I said hastily.
Ran looked down at me and smiled weakly. "It's ok. Don't worry about it."
So I didn't. I just let myself stay there with him, watching apprehensively as the door swung slowly inward. Kudou stepped through, and turned slowly to appraise us. His face was so weary. His eyes were lined with dark rings and his clothes were smeared with blood. I realized that they must have moved the body. Whoever they were. I didn't want to think about it.
Youji didn't so much as flinch when he saw us sitting there. He gave us a long look and then snorted softly, closing his eyes and nodding. "I figured as much," he muttered as he turned away. "Jesus, Ran, not again. Don't you ever learn?"
Ran didn't say anything. He let his head tip back to rest against the wall and tightened his arm around me. I couldn't look at the Lieutenant. I didn't even want to know what his words meant.
After a few moments the tension dissipated and Kudou turned away, going to slump in his chair. "Holy fuck," he muttered. "I called all the officials to tell them. The bastards couldn't even pretend to care. Just another officer gone the fritz. Shit. I... I just can't believe it. He was right here, right here earlier today, and now... he's gone. Brad... why? It wasn't that bad, Bradley. It can never be that bad."
He looked up at me and I pushed away from Ran some, not wanting to be so obvious. It was awkward.
"Are you stable, private?"
"Er... I.. I think so, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, I'm fine now. I'm sorry, sir."
"Screw being sorry. I would have freaked out if I'd been the one to find him. With that music... all alone. Jesus. Well, there's nothing more to do now. Take some pills and go to bed. I've gotta make an address to the base tomorrow. Get out of here, both of you. And don't do anything stupid," he said pointedly.
Ran and I both understood what he meant. We didn't have to reply. Untangling ourselves from each other's embrace we stiffly got to our feet and left the Lieutenant's room without another word. He didn't seem to mind.
For some reason, in my memory, that walk back to the barracks was the longest one I'd ever taken.
A dark cloud settled over Pang Nuan the next morning after Kudou's address. Rumors had started flying the night before, all wild suppositions and accusations. But the entire base was blown away, caught off guard, by the reality of the truth. When all the details finally came to light it turned out that Crawford had indeed been relieved of duty, with intent for further investigation concerning the Vietcong bombing incident. He'd already been found guilty of neglect of duty, without so much as a military trial, and was on the fast track towards a court marshal and dishonorable discharge. Crawford hadn't been able to take it. He couldn't take being backstabbed and accused by the country he loved and served so well. His intentions had never been less than admirable. His death was his last statement, his final proof to the world that he was no traitor. He would rather have died still an officer in the US Army than lived a life of falsified shame. He wanted to die with honor.
Of course that wasn't the way the officials liked to construe things. As far as they were concerned Bradley Crawford's suicide was nothing more than simple proof that he was guilty and knew it. He couldn't face the trial and the public humiliation of being brought to light.
Brought to light for what?! He hadn't done anything. He'd only given shelter and care to a fellow human being. The consequences of that action were uncertain. It was all so much supposition.
The days passed in a haze of routine once again. Everyone was oddly quiet as officials came and went, going over the story just one more time. Kudou was temporarily ordered to take over as the base commander, and he obeyed without enthusiasm. Ran and I continued to go into Sang Cho-na to teach English three times a week, but it was all just routine. I felt so very little. It was as if I had used up all of my strong emotions that one night, and now I was just floating.
My nights became more and more tortured. Again and again I would wake up from nightmares, taunted by the faces of the dead and dying. I dreamt of the kid and Crawford and the man who had been thrown out of the chopper on my first out. Always there was so much blood. I could smell it in my dreams and I hated it. I would wrestle and fight with the souls of the dead and my own guilt. My nightmares were indescribably terrifying and when I woke I would be talking in Japanese again.
Fujimiya tried to help me, but in the darkness of the bunk house I would always push him away. I didn't want anything to touch me when I woke from those dreams. Sometimes I couldn't even form coherent thoughts and would go on babbling inanely in my mother tongue. I think it was the talking in Japanese that scared Ran the most. He hated it. He would shake me if he could get to me and growl at me to speak in English. But it didn't matter to me. When he touched me I'd only yell all the more, so eventually, as the days and nights wore on he wouldn't try to stop me.
I can tell you that the rest of the men in the bunk house were not too terribly pleased with me during that time. I imagine I woke them all up on more than one occasion, but nobody really seemed to want to do or say anything about it. I think most of them hoped I would just finally go section eight and get shipped out of there.
It was only after Swanny tried to commit suicide a week later and was consequently shipped north for therapy, that I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to end up like him, and I hated myself for making Ran worry so much that he was sick. I could see the helplessness in his eyes and he stopped eating well. My falling apart was breaking him, and I knew that if I couldn't pull myself together for my sake I'd have to do it for his.
That's why I started taking the pills again.
And it helped. I could sleep again, I could breath again, I could find happiness in Ran's company again. Things slowly started to get better. Base calmed down and another official commander was sent in. I never got to know him very well. After Crawford's death I really didn't feel like getting to know anyone well anymore. I never knew his first name, or even if the name we were given to call him was his real name, but he was known as Lieutenant Commander Botan.
What I remember about him was that he was very much the opposite of Crawford. He was jovial and talkative. He often made the rounds to check up on the soldiers, taking time to chat with them about life and what not. Physically he was the opposite of Crawford as well. Where Crawford had been lean and tall, Botan was rather squat and blocky, a powerful looking man. He had a firm jaw line and impressive eyebrows. All in all he couldn't have been much different from our former Commanding officer, but that was probably what the army wanted.
About two weeks after Crawford's suicide Ran and I were called to Kudou's office. There had never been any further discussion or mention from any of us about that night. Not one word, and it made me nervous. I was relieved to see that Jei and Max were already in Kudou's office when we got there. The meeting couldn't possibly have been about what he had seen between Ran and I.
"At ease, men," Kudou drawled tiredly as the four of us lined up in front of his desk. "I remember the last time I had all four of you in here is when this shit started," he grumbled as an afterthought.
The four of us exchanged glances and I saw Schuldich shift uncomfortably.
Kudou took out a packet of papers and flipped through them perfunctorily and then sighed, leaning forward, folding his hands on his desk.
"Alright, here's the deal. A new mission has come in. But before I can tell you anything about this mission I need to know that you are willing to participate," Kudou scanned us for a moment and then focused his attention on me. "Hidaka, are you fit to fly?"
I felt myself balk at the question. Closing my eyes I thought about flying. My god was I ever ready to fly. Anything... anything that would get me off of the base and out into freedom. My fingers itched to be behind the controls, and I even missed the sound of gunfire. "I'm fit sir. I'm ready."
Kudou kept looking at me. "You say that now... but things could get hairy out there. I don't want you losing it mid-flight. It's been known to happen. You feel fine now, but when you get back out there things change. I need to know that you are ready for active duty again."
I paused. "I'm ready, sir. I came here to fly and I will."
"I still want you to get checked out before this mission takes effect, but until then I'll take your word. Well then. Now that that's settled. I am assuming the rest of you are willing to put it on the line here. So let's get down to business. About three months ago several large units managed to break through, taking a significant chunk of land from behind enemy lines. Since that time they have been engaged in guerilla offensives with the Vietcong, holding their position and slowly trying to clear the area. Unfortunately it's been a losing battle for us ever since. About a month ago we 'officially' agreed to a withdrawal from the area if the North Vietnamese would give us the freedom to get our men out of there. This was agreed to. Of course things never go the way they are supposed to. A team of Green Berets was left behind in secret to continue to harass the Vietcong outposts in the area. The Army does not officially recognize this group, since doing so would obviously cause a lot of negative consequences in the peace talks. Nonetheless, we are supporting these boys. Since we have no official jurisdiction in the area there are no official supply lines running. They are wet, they are hungry, and they are getting a lot wetter and a lot hungrier with each day."
"A pull out mission, sir?" Schuldich broke in curiously.
Kudou shook his head. "No. Not at all. A supply run. Someone has to bring those boys ammunition and food. This mission is off the books," he said sternly, glaring at each of us in turn. "You cannot talk about it, this never happened. It's a night mission. A late fly. You will leave here just before dusk on the appointed day and return by noon. Getting there is more important than getting back, I'm sorry to say it, but that's how it is. The risk is high. You will be flying solo, just the two choppers, over Viet infested territory. The drop will be hazardous. I won't dick around with you. There is a very good chance that the four of you will never be standing together in this office again. But this mission is imperative. There are a lot of wretches counting on you."
We were each then given a mission briefing packet to look over. We weren't allowed to take them with us. We were going to be heading out in three days. We'd be assigned our co's tomorrow and be re-briefed with them then. With that we were dismissed and the four of us walked from the room giving one another nervous glances. I wasn't sure I liked the way the mission was shaping up.
None of us said anything as we made our way back to the barracks. We weren't allowed to anyway.
The next day Ran and I were trucked into Sang Cho-na for our class. We were going to have to tell the students that class was canceled for the rest of the week. I just hoped that they'd understand.
On the way into the village the driver looked back at us and grinned. "The rebuild on Willy Ng's is done, did you know? I heard they re-opened last Friday. If I were you two I'd head over for a drink, pick-ups not coming into town till about nine tonight. Might be a good chance to get a little... recreation in. If you catch my drift," he said, chuckling.
I smiled at him weakly, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Ran glance at me momentarily before going back to stare at the passing road. I wasn't sure what to make of his glance.
Class was long and unusually boring that day. The only amusement lent to the situation was the prostitutes and their confirmation that Willy Ng's was indeed open for business again. We were invited to come and see for ourselves... "Me love you long time." Just peachy.
When the class dispersed Ran radioed the base to confirm that pickup was late. It was. We were stranded in Sang Cho-na for at least seven hours.
"Ugh, what the hell," I grumbled. "We have a briefing, don't we?!"
"If there's nothing we can do, there's nothing we can do," Ran replied quietly. He was sitting with his head bowed over the radio as if he were tired. His hands were folded in front his him, his hair fell into his eyes.
I walked over to him, my boots scuffing along the cement floor and put my hand on the back of his neck. He breathed softly at my touch and murmured. I let my fingers work gently against his skin, trying to soothe the tension there. "Is something bothering you?" I asked.
"What about you?" he countered. "How are you, Ken? I can't tell anymore."
I was a little startled by his statement and pulled back. "What do you mean?"
He shook his head and turned to face me. "I just don't know. I can't tell if you are here or gone or what anymore. You were such a wreck, and there was nothing I could do for you. Now... I don't know if you're ok, or hurting still... hurting more. I feel like I can't do anything."
I stared at him for a moment, and let my eyes fall. "I'll be ok." I didn't want him to know that I was taking the anti anxiety drugs again. I felt like doing so was betraying him. But sometimes... love wasn't enough.
"And what about this mission? Are you ok with it?" he asked, reaching out to take my hand. I let him twine his fingers with mine.
I scoffed. "Of course I am. I'm a pilot, flying is what I do, Ran."
He shook his head, his eyes becoming slightly angry. "Didn't you listen to what Kudou said? The chances of getting shot down are high, Ken. We could die, or be captured. You could die, I could die, Farfarello and Schuldich could die. If you want to know the truth, Hidaka, I'm scared. I'm scared that this is going to be over, that I will lose you without ever having known you. Without ever having held you the way I want to."
It took me a moment to realize what Ran was saying, what he was trying to tell me, and when I did I felt my stomach clench as my eyes snapped up to meet his. He was right. One or all of us could die the next day, and I could lose my love for Ran, never having been with him, never having given myself to him.
"Ran..." I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.
He stood then and put his other hand on my cheek. His eyes were unfathomably deep and soft. He stared into me sadly and then kissed me once. "Will you come with me?" he asked tentatively.
He didn't have to say where. I knew where. And without hesitating I nodded. "Anywhere," I whispered.
Thus we locked up the school room and made our way up the slope, walking the road into the village.
I felt my heart quicken fearfully as we came upon the newly finished, scrubbed and polished façade of Willy Ng's: American Style Bar. I remembered how the place looked the last time I had been there, and the last time I had been there wasn't something I enjoyed remembering.
Ran saw my hesitation and misinterpreted. He paused and looked up at the sky. "If you don't want to do this..." He cast me a small glance and I could see the potential hurt in his eyes.
I smiled at him, shaking my head. "That's not it at all. I was just thinking about the last time I was here, that's all. Let's get out of the street, I think its going to start raining soon."
I followed Ran into the bar, and not surprisingly it was fairly empty. Along the bar a few older farmers sat hunched over, nursing their glasses. We were greeted enthusiastically by Willy.
"Ah, GI, GI! Welcome to Willy Ng, yes yes. Have a seat I pour you whiskey, huh? A drink and then maybe... eh?" he chuckled. Again I had that odd feeling that his mustache wasn't real.
Ran glared at him and then pulled his wallet out of his pocket. "One room, no whore, leave me alone."
Willy stopped mid greasy smile and blinked rapidly. "Ah... ah so, of course. Sure sure, you wanna room, sure a room. Why not? You sure you don't want a girl, I got new girl, young girl. She very good sucky sucky," Willy simpered as he shuffled back to the bar. Slipping behind it he ducked down and when he popped back up he was holding out a key. "No girl, you sure? So so, twenty dollar, last room, all the way down. What you want room for anyway? I dunno, you sure no girl?"
"I'm sure," Ran said darkly, handing a twenty to Willy, and taking the key. He didn't even look at me as he turned and headed for the stairs. I have never since or before felt that awkward in my whole life. I didn't look around as I headed after Ran, I really didn't think I would be able to stomach it.
I remember vividly every detail of that room. It exuded a sense of filthy depravity. It was the kind of place where you feared to touch anything and anything you did touch had a strange stickiness to it. Nothing looked or felt clean, but at that point in time we weren't in any position to be picky. The headboard of a bed was shoved against the far wall, a single window was cut into the wall adjacent to the bed. A pale, sickly light shone in through what I later realized was plastic, not glass. There was a single skinny table with a bowl of water on it set just inside the door. The bed itself was an old iron frame and a single mattress on a board. The mattress was covered with a bottom sheet, stained with things I didn't even want to guess at, and a top sheet that was also stained, although not to the same extent.
But like I said, I didn't care.
I heard the door click shut behind me and then turned to look at Ran. When our eyes met something very odd happened. We were both suddenly very shy, and I could see a faint blush chase across Ran's white skin. He took a few steps towards me, holding out his hand and I took it, closing the space between us. I reached up tentatively and touched his face, feeling how warm his skin was beneath my trembling fingers.
"Hey there," I said softly.
He smiled and put his hand on my hip, tugging gently. "Hey." We stared at each other for a few more moments, smiles playing across our faces as we suffered under the awkwardness of the situation. "Are you sure about this?"
Bringing Ran's hand to my lips I kissed his fingers softly, closing my eyes, brushing my cheek against his knuckles. "I'm sure."
The grip he had on my hip tightened and pulled me towards him. He was smiling at me, tenderness shining from deep in his eyes. "I want you so badly," he murmured as I kissed his hand again, nipping the soft skin.
"Then take me, I'm here for you, Ran," I answered, looking up from his hand.
He kissed me then, his lips hesitantly brushing mine as I breathed into him. He sighed deeply, taking my face in his hands and pressing his soft lips to mine, searching for acceptance. And he found it. I moved my lips against his as warmth spread through my entire body, my stomach twisting and filling with feathery wings. The faster my heart beat the more urgently I pressed myself against him, my arms reaching around his back, my hands tangling in his jacket. When I pulled his tongue into my mouth, playing a dangerous game of push and shove with him, I felt his hands suddenly trail down my neck, slipping into my jacket, pushing it off my shoulders and down. I understood and swiftly released him, shaking off the remains of the confining garment, letting it fall away, unimportant. And then it was my turn to begin to undress him.
Soon we stood, kissing with an unbridled, fervent need, Ran's hands cradling my face as I ran mine just under the hem of his white undershirt. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't get enough of the way his skin felt. It was unbelievably soft and smooth, both warm and cold. My hands caressed him unceasingly, wanting more, massaging the muscles of his strong back as my arms slipped farther around him.
Panting, we moved against each other, swaying to a rhythm that only we could hear.
"Ken... oh, God," he whispered harshly as he began to lick my neck. I groaned, blushing deeply, digging my nails into his back as he began to nip at the sensitive skin below my ear.
"Mmm," I murmured softly.
He stood straight, flushed and panting, and looked deeply into my eyes. "I want to touch you, see you, everywhere. We have time, Ken. Let's take our time," he said softly.
I nodded and leaned up to kiss him again. "Time is good."
Ran then took my hand and led me to the bed. We both stood for a moment, looking at it skeptically. "It's better than the floor," I said bluntly.
Ran glanced at me and grinned. "True. I wish this could be..... more intimate, better, something. I'm sorry, Ken," he sighed.
I shook my head, touching his face. "Being with you is all that matters to me. I don't care where. This is perfect." To show him that I meant it I sat on the edge of the bed and leaned back, smiling at him with come-hither eyes.
Ran looked at me strangely for a moment and then sat beside me, reaching out to run his hand over my chest, tracing the outline off my muscles with his fingers. He let his fingertips brush ever so slightly over the buds of flesh which were quickly responding to his attentions. A rush of air escaped my lips and I closed my eyes. His touch alone was heavenly. Endlessly blissful.
Then his hands moved beneath my shirt and I sat up so that he could lift if from my body, peeling it off slowly. The lightness of my heart was almost unbearable as his hands began to move over my bare flesh. I burned and tingled, elated by his touch. His kisses fell once again upon my lips, pulling me farther and farther into him. Reaching out, I searched for his shirt, groping blindly as my eyes squeezed shut against the sensations. I wanted so badly to feel his bare skin against mine. Nothing else mattered anymore.
Soon I had succeeded in my goal, and I took a moment to breathlessly observe him, his beautiful body revealed to me as he sat there, looking back with love in his eyes. I grabbed his dog tags and pulled him towards me, chuckling softly. As I lay back, pulling him after, the coolness of the sheets met my back making me shiver unexpectedly. He leaned over me, watching me intently and then kissed me again, his tongue running over my lips to be met with my own. I can't even begin to describe how it felt to be with him like that. The world just faded away, everything was gone but him and me and that tiny room.
Hands reached out, exploring, testing, teasing. Bodies shivered and moaned, asking for more or less. We played like this for some time, content to experience each other fully for the first time. His mouth explored my body, starting at my neck and traveling over my chest, stopping to suck agonizingly at my nipples, making me cry out softly and tangle my fingers in the silken coolness of his hair. He continued his descent until he could tease my navel again; it seemed to be one of his favorite ploys. I chuckled softly as his breath and lips and fingers all tickled my skin.
Here he paused, resting his porcelain cheek against my shivering stomach, kissing my skin once and then sighing softly.
"I could be happy like this forever," he said softly.
Unable to find anything to say in response I said nothing, only ran my fingers soothingly through his hair. We stayed like that for a short time, just being with each other, no words needing to be said.
Finally he sat up again and reached out for my hand pulling me after him and then pulling both of us to our feet. Our eyes met and I knew what he wanted. Closing my eyes I asked him to kiss me, and he did, taking my lips gently. I knew what to expect next, but I still jumped when I felt his hands on the waist band of my pants, tugging at the button, pulling at the fly. I groaned softly as his fingers brushed over my waiting arousal. I followed suit and let my own hands travel to his fastenings.
We undressed each other slowly, taking our time to appreciate each other and attend to each other's unspoken pleas. When we lay back down on the bed, embracing tightly, never wanting to let go, I thought I would die from the happiness I was feeling. My heart had yearned so long for the acceptance and caring I felt in Ran. For so long I had felt so alone and abandoned. My family rejected me, my friend, my lover as well. And here, finally, I was wanted. Loved even; even if he couldn't tell me so.
I was so hungry for him.
Lying beneath him, caught up in his arms, I spread my legs and let him settle between them. He moaned gently as I arched my back and rocked against him, our members rubbing and growing harder at the touch. My breath caught in my throat as the friction grew between us, our hips meeting, the pace speeding and slowing in a mock of love making. The burning heat grew in my body and I wanted more, sweat breaking out on my skin and I spread my legs farther. My breath came in short pants as did his, our breath mixing and mingling within each other and without.
"Ran... ngh... more! Ah! Oh God, please," I breathed, twisting beneath him, raising my hips as I clung to him feverishly. I just wanted him to touch me everywhere. I wanted to feel every part of him against every part of me.
He didn't speak as he kissed my collar bone and raised himself up above me, leaning back so that he knelt between my legs. I blushed as he looked down at me and I up at him. I was so shamelessly exposed, bearing my need for him with no protection from his intense gaze.
Those long fingers... what exquisite torture they could wreak upon my senses. He began then to stroke my shaft, brushing the tips of his fingers over my most sensitive spots, rubbing with aching gentleness against the slit at my head. My precum wept forth and he gathered it on his fingers. I could do nothing but tremble and moan beneath his ministrations. Splutters and gasps caught in my throat as he moved me forward, on towards completion. But I knew he would not make it so easy for me, and the knowing made my pleasure all the more intense.
When his fingers rubbed tentatively against my anus for the first time, little ripples of erotic shock coursing through my bloodstream, I cried out wordlessly. My back arched off the bed and my fists involuntarily grabbed at the sheets. It had been so long. So long since I had done anything like this, and even then Kase had never made me feel this way. He had never been so patient and attentive. I felt the slickness of my own essence on Ran's finger as he stroked the tight muscle around my small entrance. Heat rushed my face and I moaned as one of his fingers slid inside of me. Oh god it felt so good! He stroked the soft inside lining, crooking his finger, slowly, tortuously massaging the sensitive flesh of my inner body.
"A-... ahhh... un... oh, Ran," I gasped, sounds catching in my throat, unable to escape.
When he began to insert a second finger my eyes flew wide, a long groan seeping from my throat. Now along with the pleasure there was pain. Wonderful, exquisite, sensual pain. I forced down a small cry and bit my lip, my whole body shivering at his intrusion. Then I forgot all about the pain as his fingers began to work inside me again. The deeper he pushed the more my head spun, darkness crowding in around my vision, moans and whimpers coming unbidden to my lips. And then, finally he brushed against the hidden center of my pleasure.
"Ran!" I screamed, arching my back, bucking upwards, my muscles contracting around his long, slender fingers.
As if to purposefully torment me he then withdrew his fingers, leaving me waiting and panting before him. I moaned at the emptiness I now felt within me, and shakily forced myself to sit up. I wanted to see him, to be near to him. My legs were spread around his waist, so I simply pulled myself forward, wrapping my arms around his neck, so that I could kiss him. I felt weak, and my kiss was sloppy, but I don't think he minded. I leaned farther forward so that I could kiss and lick along the flawless skin of his neck.
"Let me touch you," I whispered in his ear and my hand slipped down from his neck, sliding between our bodies and down, down his silken skin until I found what I was looking for. He wasn't as hard as I was, I had not yet paid him any attention, so I wrapped my hand around him and began to stroke him gently.
The fluttery breaths he issued were all the encouragement I needed to continue, and continue I did. He held me tightly, resting his head on my shoulder, panting against my skin. His teeth grazed me, nipping sensually as I attended to him. His fingers dug into my back. I loved what I could do to him.
He tensed and shook. "No..." he whispered, "Not yet, not yet. Aa-... Ken, wait, not yet."
I understood his plea and slowly ceased my rhythm, releasing him and trailing my hand over his abdomen. He sighed, both from frustration and relief and then pushed me back onto the bed again.
"Hey, it's not nice to push," I chuckled huskily.
"I wasn't worried about being nice," he answered, kissing me with a smiling mouth.
For a moment we play wrested, nipping and scratching, tickling and touching, until I wrapped my legs around his waist and used all my leverage to flip us over so that I was leaning over him, straddling his body. I grinned at him wolfishly. "I win," I intoned.
He looked up at me with hooded eyes and smirked. "Are you sure?"
I nodded and then leaned down to kiss him passionately. He opened his mouth and I explored him deeply, tasting him so fully that I can taste him still. When I pulled away I smirked right back. "Positive."
"I'm not so sure," he answered huskily as his hands came up to grip my hips. "As far as I'm concerned you're right where I want you."
"I guess that means we both win," I murmured, rocking against his abdomen, the friction causing me to moan softly.
Quickly overcome by the erotic haze that moving against Ran was causing I could do nothing but obey him as I felt his hands begin to guide me backwards, pushing on my hips until I felt the head of his erection brush against the cheeks of my ass. I shuddered, knowing what came next, wanting it and dreading it. To make love to Ran, there was nothing I wanted more, but this... I didn't think anymore as I lifted myself up, and let his hands guide me as I positioned myself above the tip of his engorged cock. I spread my legs even wider, wanting to grant him access to my most private self. My body trembled as I waited above him.
The pulling on my hips told me it was time. Neither he nor I could wait any longer. Neither wanted to.
Lowering myself slowly I let him take me for the first time. The pressure of his head against my anus made me groan loudly as my eyes slid shut and I licked my lips. An aching, burning, growing pain spread all through my loins as he entered me, pushing past the tight band that sought to close off my body from him. Gasps and shivers took over my body and I cried out, arching my back. God lord, it had been so long. Slowly, gradually I continued my descent, his thick member pushing farther and farther into me, pushing my bones aside, forcing there to be room.
My eyes teared as the pain built, but Ran's hands kept me steady.
"Go gently, Ken," he moaned softly, his hands gripping my hips that much tighter. Looking down at his face I was taken away by the pleasure I found etched there. His brows were furrowed and his mouth worked over the tiny gasps and whimpers that escaped it. He was beautiful. The fact that I could do this to him made me want him all the more, and I pushed myself farther onto him, letting him impale me. Then, no longer able to stand the suspense, knowing I was only prolonging my own torment I grit my teeth and shoved myself down onto him the rest of the way.
We cried out at the same moment. A sharp, short scream tore from my throat as he moaned long and loud, his body tensing at erotic pleasure swept though him.
After a moment I found my breath and took a quick gasp of air. So deep. He was so deep inside of me. He touched that spot, pressing against my prostate, causing unbelievable ecstasy.
Quivering, shaking arms reached out, holding and caressing as he pulled himself up, sitting against me. My legs wrapped around his back as I shifted, now sitting in his lap. Hands fisted hair, mouths sought each other blindly, as bodies trembled against each other, taken away by and overcome with pure sensation.
For a time we sat together, merged as one, and did nothing but feel and touch and appreciate. Nothing stirred, we were simply one. Tears slid from my eyes and his as well. We sought to kiss them away as the fell, but it didn't matter, for these tears were not tears of pain or regret. They were tears of love and happiness and bliss.
Then he stirred with in me, rocking, thrusting into me gently. I clenched around him, gasping and moaning. We started a rhythm, awkward at first as I struggled to synchronize my movements with his own, but soon we were moving slowly together, long deep strokes touching that place every time, making my head spin and swim, causing the room to dance. It felt so good. So amazingly good, unbelievably. Nothing had ever felt that good in my whole life.
That time with Ran was not my first time. Of course not. Kase and I had been lovers in every sense of the word. But with Kase... letting him take me was always something I had endured for him, it had never been particularly enjoyable. In fact it was often so abrupt and rushed, to the point of being truly painful. Kase didn't mean to hurt me, he would never have wanted to hurt me, but he just didn't think about it. I never complained, I just endured it for him, knowing he took pleasure from my body. I never thought it could be any other way.
But at Ran's hands I felt nothing but pleasure. Feeling him within me, stirring and moving inside of my body though admittedly painful at points was wholly nothing but pure ecstasy. He was so patient and giving, moving so gently, so slowly.
As we made love for the first time on that bed I was transported to another world. His strong arms encircled me, holding me firmly in that place and time. Nothing mattered anymore but what he made me feel. Whimpers and moans, cries of passion and pleasure filled my ears and throat. I had never made love before. Never like that.
Building towards our climaxes we both suddenly and urgently desired more. I urged him to take me deeper, faster, harder, whatever! I just wanted more. Then I was on my back again as he knelt between my knees, rocking into me again and again. In and out, back and forth, my hips moved with his, rising and falling, meeting and pulling away. I cried out again and again, crying his name, crying for release. He did the same, panting and moaning, seeking my lips with his to quiet our cries.
And then, suddenly it was over. Everything inside of me went tighter than a spring. I tensed, and felt the telltale contraction of my insides. It took one more thrust from Ran, hitting home, to send me over the edge, and I came so hard that my whole body shook, warm, creamy strings of my seed spilling out between our bodies covering us both with my essence.
"Aaah!! Ran... ngh... oh, my God."
His orgasm followed mine, the automatic constricting of my muscles around him pulling him after me into climax. He screamed my name as I felt the hot, hard liquid stream as it spilled into my body, filling me completely and running out of me, dripping from my stretched anus and down my body as he pulled out of me. It felt so strange to be without him. My body quivered and trembled as I tried to move, but I couldn't. I was all but spent. It was all I could do to murmur his name and reach my arms out to him, pulling his head down to my chest.
And so, in the afterglow we lay silently together, partaking of each other's warmth and comfort. I closed my eyes, and thought I might drift off to sleep.
As I just began to drift away he nuzzled against the skin of my chest, kissing me lightly. He murmured something against my skin, something I wasn't supposed to hear, but hear it I did.
"I love you."
__________________________________________________________________
* Yameru : Stop
* Yameru, bakayaro! Iya! Hitori ni sasete! : Stop it, you bastard. No! Leave me alone!
* Ie... onegai... onegai... yameru onegai : No... please... please... stop it, please
* Ran-kun... koibito... ai... ai shiteru, itsumo : Ran-kun... my lover... I... I love you, always
Afterthoughts: Well that was rather smutty once again. I hope it all seemed plausible and what not. Now you see that happy button at the bottom of the page? Hmmm? PUSH IT!!! C'mon, punk! Make my day.
Review review. Push it push it push it!!