Disclaimer: I stole the llama!! I admit it, I did it! Me me me!!
Comments: *big sigh* I am so sorry this took so long. I really am. I would grovel and stuff, but that would be undignified. So instead I will tell you why it took so long. First of all I got smutted out. Yes, that's right, it -can- happen. So I had to take a smut break. This, it turned out, was a bad idea. For during my smut break I stared listening to Adam Sandler music again and was especially moved by my all-time favorite Adam Sandler song "Ode to My Car". Well this led to a short and rather random smut-break songfic which I posted with the word "shit" in the title (cause the song is actually "Piece of Shit Car"), not having read the update guidelines since the last time they were revised ever so long ago. Long story short... ff.net suspended my updating privileges for a week because my title/summary post on this story wasn't G. And it wasn't just until the 1st of December like I thought, oh no! It was until 11:21 PM PST on Dec 1st. So that's like 3:30AM December 2nd, so that's why I couldn't get it up on Sunday like I said I would. Anyway, so that was like the day before I finished this. And then it was Thanksgiving break and I sent it off to my beta'er and she was in NY with her family and couldn't get down to doing her business, which is normal over vacation time, and I just now got it and and and... bleh. So that's the story. And I would also like to warn you that I was slightly tipsy when I wrote a good chunk of this so if it seems cracked out, that's the wine talking. Anyway, but at long last here it is. Much is explained and there is more smut, so enjoy. R&R or else I will send a pack or rabid beast things like from that one movie I watched last night after you, complete with that French guy with the nasty arm. And you have no idea what I am talking about do you?! Muwahahahaha!! Ok, I go now. R&R!!
Warning: High content of cheese and corn, please bear with me.
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I didn't tell Ran that I'd heard him. In the afterglow of our lovemaking I didn't want to spoil anything, and words seemed out of place. I simply lay there, my heart beating faster than the flutter of a hummingbird's wings, and let my fingers run through his auburn hair. It wasn't long until I felt his slow steady breathing and knew that my lover had fallen asleep. Elated and very much in love I sighed happily and allowed myself to suffer the same fate.
You must think I'm a terrible fool. At times, looking back, -I- think that I was a terrible fool. Yet, I know why I made the decisions that I did. I knew the risks involved in what we were doing, what we were attempting to do. I wonder sometimes if things wouldn't have been so bad for me if I'd never spent that time with him, if I'd never let myself make love to Ran. In the end it might not have hurt so much, but then again, it might have hurt more, knowing I lost my chance to give and take that intimacy. I will never regret that day. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing I have left.
When I woke up I was alone in the bed, covered with the sheet. Too groggy to be alarmed I stretched and murmured softly, tentatively moving myself into a sitting position. There was a strange rushing sound that I couldn't quite place, and it wasn't until I looked around and saw Ran leaning by the window that I realized it was the sound of rain pounding against the plastic pane.
In my mind's eyes I can still see him leaning there so vividly. He looked so sad. It broke my heart to see him look like that, but he was so beautiful too. Sad and beautiful, that's how I always remember him. He had pulled his pants back on, zipping them up but leaving the button undone. His feet were bare, one of his legs bent at the knee, his foot resting against the wall behind him. His pale, flawless arms were crossed against his chest, one hand reaching up, holding a cigarette to his lips. I noticed that between the fingers of the other he was holding a thick piece of paper. It didn't take me long to figure out it was a photograph, and I had a pretty good idea who it was of. His head was turned to one side, his eyes distant, staring out the water-streaked window. The cigarette butt flared red once and then he pulled his hand away, exhaling softly into the room. I waited for a moment, letting the smoke patterns dance in the air before him and then dissipate before alerting him to my consciousness.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked softly.
Ran wasn't startled by the sound of my voice. He was hardly ever startled. He bent his head for a moment and took another drag before turning to look at me. "You woke up. Sleep well?"
Nodding, I smiled softly. "Yes. You didn't answer my question."
He smiled sadly and blew smoke out his nose in a short blast. "Not much to say about what I'm thinking. What do you think I'm thinking?"
I started to shift around, making myself more comfortable. Leaning forward I clasped my hands around my knees and looked at him, my head cocked to one side. "I'd like to say you are thinking about me, but I don't really think that's the case." I let my eyes flick to where he held the photo in his hand and then looked back at him.
He seemed startled by my words, his indigo eyes snapping up and widening as they met mine. His mouth opened slightly and then he looked away, taking another hasty drag.
I chuckled and shook my head. "I'm not -accusing- you of not thinking about me, you just seem to have something else on your mind. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have gotten up and left me here to sleep by myself."
He pushed off the wall and stood straight, running a hand through his hair. He cast his eyes down and then snubbed his cigarette out against the wall. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
"No, that's not what I mean. Ran, it's fine, I'm just saying is all."
"It isn't fine. I shouldn't be worrying about shit I can't change or do anything about. I -should- be thinking about you. I don't know... I just woke up and I didn't want to disturb you. You looked so peaceful. You never look like that when you are awake, so I left you alone."
I grumbled and swung my legs out from under the sheet. Casting around I spotted my boxers dropped conveniently by the foot of the bed and fished around after them. I slipped my feet through the legs and then stood, pulling them up as I did. Ran watched me intently as I stretched and then took a few steps towards him. It was then that I noticed. "Hey... I'm clean. How did that happen?"
Ran chuckled and pointed towards the door. "These people really knew what they were doing when they put that random seeming bowl of water in the room."
"And I didn't wake up?!"
Ran shrugged. "You were sleeping pretty hard, I just wiped us both off, that's all."
"Hm. What did you use?"
"My undershirt."
I scrunched my nose up. "That's one shirt I hope you never wear again."
At this he laughed and then eyed me warily. "How do you feel?" he asked cautiously.
"I feel fine. I feel great. Thank you," I answered a little huskily as I made my way across the small room to stand before him. Circling my arms around his waist I kissed his neck softly. "So are you going to tell me what you're thinking about?"
He sighed against my hair and simply stood there in my arms unanswering. Since he didn't answer I took it upon myself to let go of his waist and trail my hand down his arm until it covered his hand. I took the photo that he was still holding between my fingers and tugged it gently. "Can I see?"
He jumped slightly, seeming to have forgotten that the picture was there at all. "Er..," he stalled and then sighed, "Go ahead."
I took the photo from between his fingers, looking it over. I had been right in my assumption. It wasn't either of the photographs I had seen him in before, but the young man smiling amiably and flipping off the camera was most defiantly Yuushi, Ran's former pilot and former lover.
You might think that I should have been angry or jealous or something like that. But I wasn't. I was just so sad for Ran. I could understand why he would think about Yuushi at a time like this, when he had just made love to me, told me that he loved me. Hadn't he most likely done those same things with the man who was flipping me off from that photograph? He had, I knew he had. Ran had loved him, loved him here in Nam and lost him. He must have felt so torn. Torn between his feeling for me, his fear of losing me as he had lost Yuushi, and also at least some sense of betraying his first love. Even I felt that. I know it will sound funny, stupid even, but even as I had made love to Ran and lain in his arms, I had felt a certain amount of guilt over it. Hadn't I told someone else I would love him forever?
Ran hesitated for a minute, watching me as I looked at the picture. I didn't say anything, I just looked at it. I think he was surprised by my lack of reaction. "That's... he was one of my pilots..." Ran said after a moment, trailing off.
"I know who he was, Ran," I said softly, hoping that my words carried their intended meaning. When I looked up, holding the photo back out for him to take, I saw the look on his face, the surprise and the hint of fear in his eyes and knew that they had. I could tell that an explanation was needed, so I cast my eyes down and tried to think of one. "Yuushi, right? Kudou told me about him the first day I was here. I asked him about you and he told me that one of your pilots who had died was your best friend who had enlisted with you. And then... well, you remember on my first day here when I tipped over your box of photos? I saw the picture and the letter that he had written to you. That's how I knew from the very start that you were... like me. You and Yuushi were lovers, like Kase and I."
Ran's eyes were unreadable when I looked up into his face. I don't really know what I expected to see in them. I think I expected him to be angry for some reason, but there really wasn't anything like that in those deep, dark pools that seemed to tug at my soul. His cool, slender fingers brushed over mine as he reached out to take the photograph from my hand. I watched as he gave it one last glance and then tucked it into his back pocket. I wondered absently if he always carried it around with him.
He didn't look at me for several moments, softly asking, "You don't mind?"
In response I pulled him closer to me, one hand reaching around his neck, and tenderly kissed his lips. So soft and sweet. I wanted to chase all that sadness away. "Why should I?"
He had made a funny sound in the back of his throat and then whispered my name before pushing forward to find my lips again. He let this kiss linger for long moments, before breaking away and simply holding my face in his hands. I smiled at him warmly and then tugged at the waistband of his pants. "How long before the pick up?"
He glanced at his watch. "Until nine. It's just about six now, so another three hours."
I made an appreciative murmuring sound and then placed my hand over his, taking it away from my face and tugging gently. "Come on," I said, pulling him back towards the bed. He followed me, shaking his head and smiling.
We undressed each other again before crawling back onto the dingy matress. This time I curled up against his chest, my head laying against his heart as he held me to him. His fingers lazily stroked my back as I placed a couple small kisses on his collarbone. I yanked the sheet up and over us and then we lay in each other's arms in peace and silence. A warm haziness began to settle within me and I felt myself heading off towards sleep again. But I didn't want to waste the time we had together. I wanted to be there, in his arms, forever.
I fished around in my head for something to say that would keep me awake and said the first thing that came to mind.
"Am I like him?"
"Hmm?" came Ran's groggy reply.
"Yuushi... am I like him, like how he was? Are we similar?"
Silence followed. I held my breath, wondering if I had gone too far, asked too much as I felt Ran's hand still against my skin. The room felt suddenly tense.
And then the unexpected happened. Ran began to laugh. It started as a strangled chuckle in his throat but quickly turned into a full-blown laugh out loud. He tried to cover his mouth and still the mounting chuckles that built in his chest.
He giggled on, snickering and chuckling as if I'd just told him the funniest joke in the world. "You and Yuushi?! *snicker*... *chuckle*" He just couldn't seem to stop himself until finally he coughed, swallowing the last of his guffaws, and simply stated, "No."
I propped myself up, a bit annoyed at having received a response so different in tone than what I was expecting. I stared at him. "And why is that so funny?"
He smiled at me, giving one more little giggle. "It just is."
"Why?"
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because," I said, my voice dropping, suddenly serious, "I don't know anything about you."
He looked at me intently, caught off guard by my accusation. He just stared up at me, lying back against the grungy sheets. "Ken..."
"I don't," I said fiercely. "I don't know anything. I don't where you're from or anything about your family or anything. Tell me, I want to know. I want to know everything." I whispered, laying my head back down against his chest. "Tell me about your childhood, your family. Then tell me about him."
There was silence again for a long time. Eventually I felt Ran's fingers begin to run through my hair and then finally he spoke. "My childhood, huh?"
"Do I have to dictate questions to you? Fine, where are you from?"
"New York."
"City? Really?" There might have been too much incredulity in my voice, but I was actually surprised.
Ran snorted. "No, I'm lying to you, Ken. Yes that's where I'm from. Well... ok I was born in Seattle."
"Uh huh. And?"
"What else do you want to know?"
"Everything. What about your parents and your siblings and whatever?!"
"So you want my life story, huh?"
"Yes, Ran!"
"Settle down, Hidaka. Settle down."
So Ran told me all about his life. How he'd been born in Seattle, Washington the son of an unmarried mixed couple. A Japanese immigrant, Kotaro Fujimiya, and a white low class white woman, Charlotte Fitzgerald. When their fling ended with her pregnancy they did the only thing that was acceptable, they got married and moved out of town. He told me about growing up in New York's China town, how his sister was born there, and how he had met Yuushi in the neighborhood and had grown up with him. His parent's marriage was an unhappy one. His mother hated her circumstances, married to a man she didn't love and burdened with children she had never wanted because of one mistake. He told me how she had constantly belittled his father for being an immigrant and seemed to hold her own children in contempt for having Asian blood. Ashamed, his father made no attempt to teach his children about their Japanese heritage, spending as little time with his family as possible. Ran recalled that his mother had always been a hateful person, with a very bad temper and a tendency to drink. When he turned seven his mother left them. He had neither seen nor heard from her since; she simply vanished from his life. Soon after that his father fell into a deep depression and committed suicide, his last attempt to die with honor, a Japanese tradition, or so Ran had heard. He and his sister were both placed in foster care, and because of his sister's relatively young age she was adopted fairly quickly, which Ran never was. Even though she was adopted away from him, Ran was still allowed to see her and spend time with her. And even though he spent most of the rest of his childhood being bounced around between foster families, he was able to attend the same schools as his sister and Yuushi.
"They were my only constants. I don't even remember the names or faces of most of the people I lived with, even the good ones, and there weren't many. I guess that's how I learned not to get attached to people."
As soon as Ran had graduated from high school he got a job and got an apartment with Yuushi. It was then that they first became lovers.
"I was so surprised the first time he made an advance. But I couldn't push him away. That was something I could never do. I'd always lived outside of society, so I didn't care if what we did was right or wrong. It didn't matter, it still doesn't."
He paused for a moment and I gently stoked his skin with my fingers. I couldn't begin to wrap my mind and heart around the sadness that was Ran's life. I had never imagined that he could be so tormented. It only made me want to be with him all the more. It made me want to stay forever, to be one of those constants.
"What was he like then? You said we aren't anything alike. How am I different from him?" I asked softly.
"I don't know. You just are. Yuushi... he was... he was brash. He never listened to anybody, he just ran in and gave everyone shit. He always seemed to have something to prove. You're not like that. You want to do what's best for other people, you care about everybody, not about yourself. Yuushi didn't care about anybody but himself and the few people he felt he had to take care of. I guess I was one of those people. He was older than I was, by about a year, and he'd always watched out for me, ever since we were kids. When it got to be more than that I don't think it was really my idea."
Here he paused and I felt his fingers slow through my hair. I didn't have to look up at him to know he was falling back into his thoughts, remembering the past. I knew that I had no right to drag him from that place, so I closed my eyes and made myself content to listen to the sound of his heart.
"To Yuushi everything was a game," he resumed at some length. "He was never faithful to me, and he never tried to hide it. He thought of sex as just that: just sex. He'd say something like, 'It's just sex, Ran. Who cares about screwing? You know I keep the important parts of myself for you. I'll always love you best.' I hated it when he said that; 'I'll always love you best.' I didn't want best, I wanted only. He could make me so mad, and I would hate him for it. I hated the way he could make me lose my cool. We'd fight and he never lost, because no matter what he did I still loved him. He was the only person in my life who never left me, and he could be so wonderful when he wanted to be. He'd make love to me like nothing I'd ever felt, and I'd believe him. I'd wake up the next morning thinking, -believing-, things were going to be different. And he'd be gone," at this Ran snorted and chuckled. "What a dumb-fuck I was."
I could feel my heart growing heavier and heavier with each word Ran uttered. I had asked him to tell me about Yuushi, and I was sorry that I had. I had expected him to tell me how wonderful he was, how in love they had been, how unbearable it was to lose him. But the more Ran talked the more I could see how deep his scars ran. I could see why he pushed people away, why he didn't want to let others in. I wondered if he expected me to treat him the way Yuushi had. But then I knew he couldn't, because if he had he would never have let me into his life like this.
I kissed his chest softly, placing a small peck on his cool skin. "You don't have to tell me any more. I'm sorry. I-I didn't think it would be anything like this."
His fingers continued to play with my hair. "No... I don't mind. I've sort of wanted to tell you for a while, but... I didn't really know how. I didn't know how you'd feel if you knew I'd had another lover here in Nam."
I shrugged against him. "I knew the whole time, so it doesn't matter."
"I know that now," he grumbled.
I nuzzled his skin and kissed him again. "Why did he follow you to Nam if he was like that?" I asked.
"Like I said, it was a game to him. He thought it would be fun to play soldier for a while. When he told me that he'd enlisted I had mixed feelings. I was glad, because I had been so afraid of being without him, but at the same time I regretted losing the chance to finally be on my own, and see if I could be without him. Sometimes I think that's why he enlisted. He didn't want me to have the chance to break away. He was very needy. That's why he slept around, always searching for affection. He followed me here because he couldn't stand the thought that I could be a person without him. He was very possessive..."
"I'm sorry, Ran," I whispered.
He chuckled. "Why? You didn't do anything."
"That's not what I meant. I'm just so sorry that you had to go through that. As much of an ass-hole as Kase was in the end, I never doubted how he felt for me when we were together. Maybe I should have, seeing how things turned out, but I always felt loved by him."
"Hn." Ran was silent for a few more moments then started to talk again. "But it was strange. Nam really seemed to take its toll on Yuushi. Things were all changed around here; it was Yuushi who needed me. It was like one day he just woke up and realized that we weren't playing a game anymore, like he realized people were really dying out there. He hated flying, he hated it when I went up without him. That's why he asked to become my pilot, even after my first two had died. He got to be a wreck, and his flying got sloppy, but they just kept sending us up. One night he crawled into my bunk and just fell apart. He lay there sobbing, begging me to forgive him and promising that if God just let us live he'd stay with me forever. The next time we went up, he lost control of the chopper when we were hit by a stray bullet; he just froze. Nose-plowed us right into the ground. The whole cockpit was crushed in. After that I just went blank for the most part. I was transferred to another unit and closed myself off. Just when he finally wanted to stay with me I lost him. He wasn't there to protect me anymore. I lost two more pilots and then you came along. I guess... maybe you two weren't totally different, at least... I watch you, I see you falling apart and I see him all over again. If I lose you too... I don't know what I'll do," he trailed off.
I had never heard Ran talk so much about anything. I wanted to make him stop hurting, I wanted to tell him everything was going to be ok, but I knew that I couldn't make that promise. I didn't know that things were going to be ok. Still... I wanted to comfort him. He had comforted me so many times, it was my turn.
I pulled myself up, crawling over his body until I could prop myself over him and look down into his gorgeous face. "I'm here now," I whispered as I leaned down to kiss him tenderly. "I'm here Ran, and I will never treat you the way he treated you. I don't love you best, Ran, I love you only. I won't be like him," I murmured urgently against him.
He sighed and I felt his shaking fingers run over my back. "I know you won't," he whispered back to me. "That's why I-... why I-."
I knew what he wanted to say, and what held him back. Kissing him again I poured my heart out into him. He moaned and whimpered as I kissed him deeply, taking charge for a few moments. When the kiss ended I whispered against the shell of his ear, "Say it, Ran. Go ahead. I heard you say it earlier. It doesn't matter now."
He choked and then took my face in his hands, pushing me back so that he could see my face. Tears were forming in his eyes and it was breaking my heart, but elating my heart at the same time. Closing his eyes he bit his lip and then whispered, so softly I could barely hear, "That's why I love you."
"Oh, Ran," I whispered, unable to stop myself as I wrapped my arms around him and drew our bodies together, our lips meeting again in a fevered moment of love and acceptance. The heat spread though my body until it felt like my skin was burning. Everywhere his fingers touched me he left a trail of tingling fire until they came to grasp my hips, his nails urgently biting into my flesh. He pulled at me as he moaned into my mouth, sweetening the kiss with his neediness. As I braced myself above him I felt him move beneath me, shifting and settling until I felt his knees draw up on either side of my body and realized that I was cradled between his legs.
Startled, I broke the kiss and stared down at him panting, sweat beginning to dampen my hair and slide over my body. The way he looked up at me made my pulse quicken. His eyes were hooded and lust filled, soft and vulnerable. That unbelievably red hair spread out in a tousled mess around his head, fanning out on the single, white pillow. He was breathless and trembling, his usually pale skin flushed and glowing. He stared up at me dazedly, and whimpered, his breath coming out in a trembling exhale as he said my name. "Ken... take me."
I froze. I stared at him fixedly, my breath shallow and quick. His eyes fluttered closed and he lay beneath me waiting for something. "Wha-what?" I breathed, suddenly afraid.
He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled himself against me, kissing my face and nipping my ear before whispering, "Please. Make love to me. I want to be yours."
My heart beat so fast that I could hardly stand it. All along Ran had been the aggressor; he had pursued me, made himself dominant. I wasn't sure what to do. I had never expected to see him so submissive to me, never expected to hear him ask me to be in control.
But as he lay back again I felt him arch his back beneath me, his hips rising impatiently, and I felt the burning heat of his most private entrance against my growing manhood. But still I hesitated; still I trembled above him, shaking in uncertainty and insecurity.
He moaned and then lay back, his eyes opening as I refused to move. He looked up at me, sweet confusion clouding his clear eyes, and moaned softly as he reached up to touch my face. "Ken? What's wrong?" he breathed, shifting under me again.
I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I felt his warmth move against me again. "I... I can't," I breathed.
He blinked up at me and then furrowed his brows. "Ken, it's ok. It's not like I haven't done this before. Don't worry, it's not my first time," he said softly, running his hand over my face.
I realized then that in all likelihood it had been Yuushi who was the dominant lover in his relation with Ran, or at least that he and Ran had been more equal as lovers than Kase and I had. I didn't understand why I hadn't seen it before, I should have grasped it from what he told me earlier. Both of them so forceful and yet so needy.
I took a trembling breath, and then locked eyes with my lover. "I... it's my first time... like this." I wasn't sure if I should be embarrassed or ashamed, but I felt my face grow hotter as I looked down into his steady, blue gaze.
He seemed momentarily confused and then his eyes widened just slightly. "With Kase you never..."
I shook my head, closing my eyes. "Never."
He was silent for a moment, and I kept my eyes closed until I felt his hand on my cheek again. I sighed, leaning into the touch and slowly let my eyes open, still afraid to look at him. "I'm sorry, Ran. I don't think I can do this now... I don't... I won't know how to make it good for you."
"Ken. H-how could being with you be anything but good?" he asked softly, stoking my cheek with his thumb.
I leaned farther into his touch, closing my eyes again and kissing the palm of his hand as I turned my head. "I don't want to hurt you," I murmured, "I -know- how painful it can be, and I... if this is the only time we get to be together I don't want it to be like that."
I felt Ran's finger brush the matted hair from my eyes and then trail shakily down to my neck. "Hidaka, look at me," he called softly. "Hidaka."
And so I did. We looked deeply into each other for a few moments, nothing hidden, nothing held back. Then he leaned up and, taking my face in his hands, kissed me with his eyes open, kept me looking into him even when I thought the intensity of it would overwhelm me. I felt tears forming in my eyes again, and I choked slightly as he kissed me.
When he pulled away he smiled at me softly. "If this is the only time we can be together, then nothing could ever be worse than not being with you. Take me, Ken, please. Make this complete. You can't hurt me, not when I want you this much."
Again his hands moved over and down my body, causing the heat to rekindle in my flesh. His hands tugged at my hips and he arched up against me once more, his eyes still locked with mine until he closed them, moaning softly in his desire. I let instinct and his hands guide me as the tip of my manhood found the puckered entrance of his anus. I wasn't even inside him yet, but I could feel the pulsing heat of his body and it made me feel lightheaded. A soft moan was issued from my throat as he pressed back against me. I meditated on his beautiful face as it became awash in pleasure and impatience. I thought then that as long as it had been for me, it had been longer for Ran.
I let his hands tell me how much was too much and how much was enough as I began to shift my hips forward, pressing in past the tight mouth. He groaned and arched his back after only a few moments and I was amazed that I could hold such power over him. I closed my eyes, pushing farther, feeling myself become enveloped in indescribable, delectable warmth. As I pressed farther I felt as if I passed some threshold within him and he arched his back again, crying out wordlessly, tossing his head, red hair shifting against the white of the pillow. I didn't know if I had hurt him so I stopped, panting heavily, my teeth grit against the sensual torture of being within him.
"Are you ok?" I asked hoarsely.
His body trembled beneath me as he panted softly and then groaned, "Oh God, you feel so good. Don't stop, please... don't stop."
Seeing him spread out before me, begging me to take him made me so hot I could barely stand it. As if being buried within his beautiful body wasn't enough, now I had to contend with his words as well. I didn't want to end this prematurely, but he was making it so hard.
Clutching the bed sheet in my fists I pushed still farther forward, still unable to comprehend how ungodly good it felt. It was as if there was nothing between us, as if we were of the same skin, so fully did I seem to merge with him. I could no longer hold back the moans that were building in my chest, and as I felt my hips finally contact the firmness of his body I released the sound in an agonized rush.
"I can't feel half as good as you do," I breathed. I paused only for a moment then, waiting for some sign from him to continue. The raising of his hips was all I needed. Rocking forward I sought to find that place within him, hoping that I could find that buried place that he had found so deep within me. I wasn't disappointed. He threw his head back, gasping audibly as I brushed against his prostate, sending shoots of erotic pleasure coursing not only through him, but through me as well as he tensed around me, constricting his already tight muscles around the engorged flesh of my cock. I found a gasp of my own answering his as he slowly loosened around me and lay back.
Now his hands tugged once again at my hips and I let him lead me into a dangerous dance of push and pull. Every stroke within his body drove me further and further towards climaxing. My cries mingled with his to create the most beautiful music I had ever heard, the most beautiful music I will ever hear. Eventually his grip on my hips loosened as his fingers slid against my sweat coated skin. Then they fell limply to the bed, no longer able to hold on, able only to clutch loosely at the bed sheet as he left me to continue the rhythm we had begun on my own. Every time his hips met mine I knew I touched that place inside of him.
"Oh, fuck... Ran, I-I can't stand it!" I cried as I plunged into his hot, willing body. My whole being shook, and I could barely support myself above him any longer.
"Then let go," he breathed, clamping his muscles down around me, pulling me farther and farther into himself, and I pushed forward for the last time, climaxing, filling him with my essence, practically screaming with the unbidden, unbridled pleasure that he gave to me.
And he caught me in his weak, trembling arms as I collapsed against him, pulling myself from his body. I lay panting against his chest, shaking still with the force of my orgasm. His hands traveled tentatively over my body, trailing over my sweat slick skin. God how I loved him. I thought my heart would burst from what he made me feel. I had enough will to pull myself up and find his lips once again. We kissed like crazed fools, moaning and crying, taking each other with a passion that was completely unhindered. As we pulled apart our tongues lingered, and he suddenly reached up, pulling me back into a full kiss. I knew then that no matter how much of each other we recieved it could never be enough.
Then I felt him raise his hips against me, seeking to find friction and release against my body. I pulled back and kissed his eyes. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hold out for you."
He smiled as he arched against me again, "It's alright. I wasn't exactly helping."
"No," I said, furrowing my brows, still panting from our last kiss, "you weren't."
I began to pull back, intent on sliding down his body and finishing things for him the way he had done for me that day in the schoolroom. But his hands stopped me suddenly and he shook his head, creasing his brow. I leaned over him again and looked down into his flushed face, once more finding myself lost in him.
"Don't," he murmured. "I want to stay in your eyes." He kissed me tenderly and then pulled away, lying back.
"But what about..." I trailed off.
Once again he raised his hips against me, one of his hands sliding down my arm. "Just touch me," he murmured.
Shifting I slipped one of my hands between us, groping blindly against his warm, slick body until I found the shaft of his hardened manhood. His eyes fluttered shut as my exploratory fingers moved over the soft skin of his cock, already slick with precum.
"More..." he breathed, raising his hips, pushing into my hand.
I chuckled as I watched his exquisite features twist and move at my touch. I don't know how long I tortured him, or perhaps it was he who allowed himself to be tortured, but when he came, thick strands of his cum being expelled into my hand and over his abdomen, he cried out, calling my name with such force that it seemed as if he had waited an eternity only to say that one word.
Again in the afterglow we lay together, ignoring the stickiness and the slickness of our bodies as we cuddled together in the slowly darkening room. Neither of us meant to but we both drifted off, seduced into slumber by the safety we felt in the other's arms.
* * * * * *
Tears are falling from my eyes now, but I pretend that they aren't there. Why? Why did I make myself relive that time? It was so beautiful, and now so painful. The sound of his voice in my ear, the feel of his skin, unlike the skin of any other person on the earth, against my fingertips. Flawless. He had been nothing but perfect to me, and now he was gone. Nowhere to be found. Nowhere.
I push off the ground with my feet and let myself swing back and forth for a few moments. His face still swims before my eyes, the texture of his hair can be felt in my fingers.
Finally I brush angrily at my eyes and sigh, one long quavering breath that feels like it will never end. When it does I force myself to stand up, trying to push the thoughts of him out of my mind, but I know that it's useless now. I passed the point of no return.
But regardless of that I have to make my way home. I wonder if Mary has already called the house to check on me. Shaking my head and jamming my hands into my pocket I take off down the slope and back towards the path. The sky looks like it might try to clear, but I know there isn't any point in holding my breath about it. Rain is as regular here as the aching of my heart.
I can feel my hands beginning to shake inside my pockets, and the sharp edge of a headache is beginning to make itself known. I realize, as I walk along, that I missed my afternoon dosage. Stupid of me. I always keep one bottle of my pills at the store, but I didn't think to take any of them with me when I left, since at that time I thought I was going home. I grumble in agitation as I imagine the medication in my mind. I realize how far away home is and quicken my step, even though as I do I can feel my muscles beginning to cramp on me. I hate this! I hate it. Why do I have to be so weak? If he could see me now... hell for all I know he -does- see me now.
He'd be so angry. The thought makes me smile. But somehow I think that if he was here it wouldn't be so hard to stop taking my meds. I could do it, I would to it, if it would bring him back to me. Are you listening God?
Heh... didn't think so.
* * * * * *
When I woke up I found my back curled against Ran's torso. One of his arms was draped lazily over my side and I could feel his warm breath against the back of my neck. Something was different and it took me a moment to figure out what it was. The room was completely dark. Startled, I realized the darkness' implications and twisted around in Ran's embrace.
"Ran!" I cried, reaching back to shake him. He made no response, just went on sleeping. "Ran! Oi, Fujimiya!" I barked, "Wake up!"
This time I punched his arm and then started to get out of bed. Grumbling he rolled over and started to stretch. "Ow, what the hell was that for, Hidaka?"
"Would you look outside, what time is it?!" I cried, fishing around in the dark for my clothes.
"Fuck," he murmured and then got up with me. He moved around purposefully and then suddenly there was a flare of light and I saw him standing there holding his lighter up to his wrist. He looked at me, rolled his eyes and then flicked the lighter shut again. "It's past nine. Almost two hours past. We've been asleep for almost four hours. Fuck."
I sat back down on the bed and stared at him, my mouth hanging open. "We missed the pick up?"
I saw his faint outline nod and then watched as he came back to the bed and crawled up behind me, lying down again. "It would appear so."
"What the hell are we going to do?!" I cried. "When don't come back... what if they all know?!"
"They won't know. We'll radio them tomorrow and say we had a mix up on where we were being picked up. It's not a big deal. Besides even if it was there's nothing we can do now, so just come back here and lie down. We might was well enjoy the time while we can."
"Ran! It's not that simple I mean... what about Kudou?! We have a missio- ."
"Fuck Kudou!" Ran snapped from behind me.
I caught my breath as a sudden thought came to me and then said, "You didn't, did you?"
"Didn't what?"
"Fuck Kudou."
"What?! No I did not fuck Kudou! Eww. He's slept with half the prostitutes in Vietnam, why would I want to fuck Kudou?"
"He has a fiancée did you know that?" I said softly.
"What? What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing I suppose."
Suddenly there was a tentative knock on the door. "Is Willy Ng. Want to make sure that it's all ok. You stay tonight, hm? You ok?"
"We're fine, fuck off!" Ran shouted.
"Ah, so so. Ok." Shuffling feet could be heard retreating from the door.
I turned my eyes on what I could make out of Ran in the darkness. He looked back at me and our eyes, seeming to glow, found each other and we started to giggle.
"Oh, we are so screwed," I moaned, as I leaned back to lay down again. I found Ran's arms waiting for me and nestled myself inside of them, allowing him to pull me against his warm body.
"It doesn't matter now. Just forget about it, and enjoy it while you can," he murmured, kissing my hair. "And why would you think that I'd fucked Kudou?"
I sighed. "I don't know. I didn't really think so, but then I still don't understand why he wasn't surprised when he walked in on us in his quarters that time. And what he said to you. What did he mean, how did he already know about you?"
Ran sighed and pulled me closer. "Kudou was one of the commanding officers, not my crew chief, but the crew chief of another AHC, where I was stationed with Yuushi. I guess it's pretty safe to say that Yuushi had almost no sense of discretion and no fear of being caught. I can't even tell you the number of times we were almost walked in on after he'd cornered me somewhere on base or in the hangar. Not that he wanted to do anything... you know, but he had no shame as far as making out went. Of course it was bound to happen, and it did, someone did catch us. You can probably guess who."
"Lieutenant Kudou," I said flatly.
I felt him nod and then he continued. "He just kinda stood there for a few moments and then realized what was going on. He looked like he was going to make a break for it, but before he could Yuushi grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. I remember what Yuushi said to him. He said, 'If you so much as breathe a word of this to one soul I will rip off your dick and shove it up your own ass before we are shipped home.' Yuushi had balls the size watermelons I swear. For a soldier to get into an officer's face like that, to threaten him... But afterwards I was scared shitless anyway that Kudou was going to tell. I went to talk to him myself. I don't really remember what I said to him, but I guess whatever it was must have worked, because he never told any of the other officials. But after that Yuushi was a little more careful about where he ambushed me. Over time, and especially right after Yuushi's death I guess I found Kudou to be someone I could trust. It was as if since he already knew my one big secret I didn't have to be afraid to show him more of myself. And eventually he stopped trying to resist our tentative 'friendship.' I never thought I'd see him again after I was transferred and then, what do you know, I end up here serving under him with you. I think he's getting tired of covering up my dirty laundry."
"He's probably wondering why he gets all the homos," I giggled.
"Probably."
Ran stroked my back and kissed my forehead. "I really do love you, Ken."
"I'm so happy," I whispered against him.
"Can I make love to you again?"
"Not like we have anything else to do," I chuckled, moving against him, kissing his neck. A few moments later I was on my back again, receiving him with all my heart. We made love that night again and again. We made love until the bedding was wet with sweat and cum and neither of us could move. We made love like we'd never make love again. Good thing too.
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Gah! Even my beta'er said it was cheese! *goes to find katana with which to commit seppuku* Oh well, not like I care. You got more smut and enjoy it while you can cause it'll be the last of it. I think... Bah, not even I know where this is going anymore... er... no wait, -of course- I know where this is going. Yeeees. *looks around* You wouldn't think it would be so hard would you? Well anyway, review if you value your life and updates. *waves* Jya!
Look it's so shiney. go ahead Push it.
Comments: *big sigh* I am so sorry this took so long. I really am. I would grovel and stuff, but that would be undignified. So instead I will tell you why it took so long. First of all I got smutted out. Yes, that's right, it -can- happen. So I had to take a smut break. This, it turned out, was a bad idea. For during my smut break I stared listening to Adam Sandler music again and was especially moved by my all-time favorite Adam Sandler song "Ode to My Car". Well this led to a short and rather random smut-break songfic which I posted with the word "shit" in the title (cause the song is actually "Piece of Shit Car"), not having read the update guidelines since the last time they were revised ever so long ago. Long story short... ff.net suspended my updating privileges for a week because my title/summary post on this story wasn't G. And it wasn't just until the 1st of December like I thought, oh no! It was until 11:21 PM PST on Dec 1st. So that's like 3:30AM December 2nd, so that's why I couldn't get it up on Sunday like I said I would. Anyway, so that was like the day before I finished this. And then it was Thanksgiving break and I sent it off to my beta'er and she was in NY with her family and couldn't get down to doing her business, which is normal over vacation time, and I just now got it and and and... bleh. So that's the story. And I would also like to warn you that I was slightly tipsy when I wrote a good chunk of this so if it seems cracked out, that's the wine talking. Anyway, but at long last here it is. Much is explained and there is more smut, so enjoy. R&R or else I will send a pack or rabid beast things like from that one movie I watched last night after you, complete with that French guy with the nasty arm. And you have no idea what I am talking about do you?! Muwahahahaha!! Ok, I go now. R&R!!
Warning: High content of cheese and corn, please bear with me.
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I didn't tell Ran that I'd heard him. In the afterglow of our lovemaking I didn't want to spoil anything, and words seemed out of place. I simply lay there, my heart beating faster than the flutter of a hummingbird's wings, and let my fingers run through his auburn hair. It wasn't long until I felt his slow steady breathing and knew that my lover had fallen asleep. Elated and very much in love I sighed happily and allowed myself to suffer the same fate.
You must think I'm a terrible fool. At times, looking back, -I- think that I was a terrible fool. Yet, I know why I made the decisions that I did. I knew the risks involved in what we were doing, what we were attempting to do. I wonder sometimes if things wouldn't have been so bad for me if I'd never spent that time with him, if I'd never let myself make love to Ran. In the end it might not have hurt so much, but then again, it might have hurt more, knowing I lost my chance to give and take that intimacy. I will never regret that day. Sometimes I feel like it is the only thing I have left.
When I woke up I was alone in the bed, covered with the sheet. Too groggy to be alarmed I stretched and murmured softly, tentatively moving myself into a sitting position. There was a strange rushing sound that I couldn't quite place, and it wasn't until I looked around and saw Ran leaning by the window that I realized it was the sound of rain pounding against the plastic pane.
In my mind's eyes I can still see him leaning there so vividly. He looked so sad. It broke my heart to see him look like that, but he was so beautiful too. Sad and beautiful, that's how I always remember him. He had pulled his pants back on, zipping them up but leaving the button undone. His feet were bare, one of his legs bent at the knee, his foot resting against the wall behind him. His pale, flawless arms were crossed against his chest, one hand reaching up, holding a cigarette to his lips. I noticed that between the fingers of the other he was holding a thick piece of paper. It didn't take me long to figure out it was a photograph, and I had a pretty good idea who it was of. His head was turned to one side, his eyes distant, staring out the water-streaked window. The cigarette butt flared red once and then he pulled his hand away, exhaling softly into the room. I waited for a moment, letting the smoke patterns dance in the air before him and then dissipate before alerting him to my consciousness.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked softly.
Ran wasn't startled by the sound of my voice. He was hardly ever startled. He bent his head for a moment and took another drag before turning to look at me. "You woke up. Sleep well?"
Nodding, I smiled softly. "Yes. You didn't answer my question."
He smiled sadly and blew smoke out his nose in a short blast. "Not much to say about what I'm thinking. What do you think I'm thinking?"
I started to shift around, making myself more comfortable. Leaning forward I clasped my hands around my knees and looked at him, my head cocked to one side. "I'd like to say you are thinking about me, but I don't really think that's the case." I let my eyes flick to where he held the photo in his hand and then looked back at him.
He seemed startled by my words, his indigo eyes snapping up and widening as they met mine. His mouth opened slightly and then he looked away, taking another hasty drag.
I chuckled and shook my head. "I'm not -accusing- you of not thinking about me, you just seem to have something else on your mind. Otherwise you probably wouldn't have gotten up and left me here to sleep by myself."
He pushed off the wall and stood straight, running a hand through his hair. He cast his eyes down and then snubbed his cigarette out against the wall. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
"No, that's not what I mean. Ran, it's fine, I'm just saying is all."
"It isn't fine. I shouldn't be worrying about shit I can't change or do anything about. I -should- be thinking about you. I don't know... I just woke up and I didn't want to disturb you. You looked so peaceful. You never look like that when you are awake, so I left you alone."
I grumbled and swung my legs out from under the sheet. Casting around I spotted my boxers dropped conveniently by the foot of the bed and fished around after them. I slipped my feet through the legs and then stood, pulling them up as I did. Ran watched me intently as I stretched and then took a few steps towards him. It was then that I noticed. "Hey... I'm clean. How did that happen?"
Ran chuckled and pointed towards the door. "These people really knew what they were doing when they put that random seeming bowl of water in the room."
"And I didn't wake up?!"
Ran shrugged. "You were sleeping pretty hard, I just wiped us both off, that's all."
"Hm. What did you use?"
"My undershirt."
I scrunched my nose up. "That's one shirt I hope you never wear again."
At this he laughed and then eyed me warily. "How do you feel?" he asked cautiously.
"I feel fine. I feel great. Thank you," I answered a little huskily as I made my way across the small room to stand before him. Circling my arms around his waist I kissed his neck softly. "So are you going to tell me what you're thinking about?"
He sighed against my hair and simply stood there in my arms unanswering. Since he didn't answer I took it upon myself to let go of his waist and trail my hand down his arm until it covered his hand. I took the photo that he was still holding between my fingers and tugged it gently. "Can I see?"
He jumped slightly, seeming to have forgotten that the picture was there at all. "Er..," he stalled and then sighed, "Go ahead."
I took the photo from between his fingers, looking it over. I had been right in my assumption. It wasn't either of the photographs I had seen him in before, but the young man smiling amiably and flipping off the camera was most defiantly Yuushi, Ran's former pilot and former lover.
You might think that I should have been angry or jealous or something like that. But I wasn't. I was just so sad for Ran. I could understand why he would think about Yuushi at a time like this, when he had just made love to me, told me that he loved me. Hadn't he most likely done those same things with the man who was flipping me off from that photograph? He had, I knew he had. Ran had loved him, loved him here in Nam and lost him. He must have felt so torn. Torn between his feeling for me, his fear of losing me as he had lost Yuushi, and also at least some sense of betraying his first love. Even I felt that. I know it will sound funny, stupid even, but even as I had made love to Ran and lain in his arms, I had felt a certain amount of guilt over it. Hadn't I told someone else I would love him forever?
Ran hesitated for a minute, watching me as I looked at the picture. I didn't say anything, I just looked at it. I think he was surprised by my lack of reaction. "That's... he was one of my pilots..." Ran said after a moment, trailing off.
"I know who he was, Ran," I said softly, hoping that my words carried their intended meaning. When I looked up, holding the photo back out for him to take, I saw the look on his face, the surprise and the hint of fear in his eyes and knew that they had. I could tell that an explanation was needed, so I cast my eyes down and tried to think of one. "Yuushi, right? Kudou told me about him the first day I was here. I asked him about you and he told me that one of your pilots who had died was your best friend who had enlisted with you. And then... well, you remember on my first day here when I tipped over your box of photos? I saw the picture and the letter that he had written to you. That's how I knew from the very start that you were... like me. You and Yuushi were lovers, like Kase and I."
Ran's eyes were unreadable when I looked up into his face. I don't really know what I expected to see in them. I think I expected him to be angry for some reason, but there really wasn't anything like that in those deep, dark pools that seemed to tug at my soul. His cool, slender fingers brushed over mine as he reached out to take the photograph from my hand. I watched as he gave it one last glance and then tucked it into his back pocket. I wondered absently if he always carried it around with him.
He didn't look at me for several moments, softly asking, "You don't mind?"
In response I pulled him closer to me, one hand reaching around his neck, and tenderly kissed his lips. So soft and sweet. I wanted to chase all that sadness away. "Why should I?"
He had made a funny sound in the back of his throat and then whispered my name before pushing forward to find my lips again. He let this kiss linger for long moments, before breaking away and simply holding my face in his hands. I smiled at him warmly and then tugged at the waistband of his pants. "How long before the pick up?"
He glanced at his watch. "Until nine. It's just about six now, so another three hours."
I made an appreciative murmuring sound and then placed my hand over his, taking it away from my face and tugging gently. "Come on," I said, pulling him back towards the bed. He followed me, shaking his head and smiling.
We undressed each other again before crawling back onto the dingy matress. This time I curled up against his chest, my head laying against his heart as he held me to him. His fingers lazily stroked my back as I placed a couple small kisses on his collarbone. I yanked the sheet up and over us and then we lay in each other's arms in peace and silence. A warm haziness began to settle within me and I felt myself heading off towards sleep again. But I didn't want to waste the time we had together. I wanted to be there, in his arms, forever.
I fished around in my head for something to say that would keep me awake and said the first thing that came to mind.
"Am I like him?"
"Hmm?" came Ran's groggy reply.
"Yuushi... am I like him, like how he was? Are we similar?"
Silence followed. I held my breath, wondering if I had gone too far, asked too much as I felt Ran's hand still against my skin. The room felt suddenly tense.
And then the unexpected happened. Ran began to laugh. It started as a strangled chuckle in his throat but quickly turned into a full-blown laugh out loud. He tried to cover his mouth and still the mounting chuckles that built in his chest.
He giggled on, snickering and chuckling as if I'd just told him the funniest joke in the world. "You and Yuushi?! *snicker*... *chuckle*" He just couldn't seem to stop himself until finally he coughed, swallowing the last of his guffaws, and simply stated, "No."
I propped myself up, a bit annoyed at having received a response so different in tone than what I was expecting. I stared at him. "And why is that so funny?"
He smiled at me, giving one more little giggle. "It just is."
"Why?"
He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because," I said, my voice dropping, suddenly serious, "I don't know anything about you."
He looked at me intently, caught off guard by my accusation. He just stared up at me, lying back against the grungy sheets. "Ken..."
"I don't," I said fiercely. "I don't know anything. I don't where you're from or anything about your family or anything. Tell me, I want to know. I want to know everything." I whispered, laying my head back down against his chest. "Tell me about your childhood, your family. Then tell me about him."
There was silence again for a long time. Eventually I felt Ran's fingers begin to run through my hair and then finally he spoke. "My childhood, huh?"
"Do I have to dictate questions to you? Fine, where are you from?"
"New York."
"City? Really?" There might have been too much incredulity in my voice, but I was actually surprised.
Ran snorted. "No, I'm lying to you, Ken. Yes that's where I'm from. Well... ok I was born in Seattle."
"Uh huh. And?"
"What else do you want to know?"
"Everything. What about your parents and your siblings and whatever?!"
"So you want my life story, huh?"
"Yes, Ran!"
"Settle down, Hidaka. Settle down."
So Ran told me all about his life. How he'd been born in Seattle, Washington the son of an unmarried mixed couple. A Japanese immigrant, Kotaro Fujimiya, and a white low class white woman, Charlotte Fitzgerald. When their fling ended with her pregnancy they did the only thing that was acceptable, they got married and moved out of town. He told me about growing up in New York's China town, how his sister was born there, and how he had met Yuushi in the neighborhood and had grown up with him. His parent's marriage was an unhappy one. His mother hated her circumstances, married to a man she didn't love and burdened with children she had never wanted because of one mistake. He told me how she had constantly belittled his father for being an immigrant and seemed to hold her own children in contempt for having Asian blood. Ashamed, his father made no attempt to teach his children about their Japanese heritage, spending as little time with his family as possible. Ran recalled that his mother had always been a hateful person, with a very bad temper and a tendency to drink. When he turned seven his mother left them. He had neither seen nor heard from her since; she simply vanished from his life. Soon after that his father fell into a deep depression and committed suicide, his last attempt to die with honor, a Japanese tradition, or so Ran had heard. He and his sister were both placed in foster care, and because of his sister's relatively young age she was adopted fairly quickly, which Ran never was. Even though she was adopted away from him, Ran was still allowed to see her and spend time with her. And even though he spent most of the rest of his childhood being bounced around between foster families, he was able to attend the same schools as his sister and Yuushi.
"They were my only constants. I don't even remember the names or faces of most of the people I lived with, even the good ones, and there weren't many. I guess that's how I learned not to get attached to people."
As soon as Ran had graduated from high school he got a job and got an apartment with Yuushi. It was then that they first became lovers.
"I was so surprised the first time he made an advance. But I couldn't push him away. That was something I could never do. I'd always lived outside of society, so I didn't care if what we did was right or wrong. It didn't matter, it still doesn't."
He paused for a moment and I gently stoked his skin with my fingers. I couldn't begin to wrap my mind and heart around the sadness that was Ran's life. I had never imagined that he could be so tormented. It only made me want to be with him all the more. It made me want to stay forever, to be one of those constants.
"What was he like then? You said we aren't anything alike. How am I different from him?" I asked softly.
"I don't know. You just are. Yuushi... he was... he was brash. He never listened to anybody, he just ran in and gave everyone shit. He always seemed to have something to prove. You're not like that. You want to do what's best for other people, you care about everybody, not about yourself. Yuushi didn't care about anybody but himself and the few people he felt he had to take care of. I guess I was one of those people. He was older than I was, by about a year, and he'd always watched out for me, ever since we were kids. When it got to be more than that I don't think it was really my idea."
Here he paused and I felt his fingers slow through my hair. I didn't have to look up at him to know he was falling back into his thoughts, remembering the past. I knew that I had no right to drag him from that place, so I closed my eyes and made myself content to listen to the sound of his heart.
"To Yuushi everything was a game," he resumed at some length. "He was never faithful to me, and he never tried to hide it. He thought of sex as just that: just sex. He'd say something like, 'It's just sex, Ran. Who cares about screwing? You know I keep the important parts of myself for you. I'll always love you best.' I hated it when he said that; 'I'll always love you best.' I didn't want best, I wanted only. He could make me so mad, and I would hate him for it. I hated the way he could make me lose my cool. We'd fight and he never lost, because no matter what he did I still loved him. He was the only person in my life who never left me, and he could be so wonderful when he wanted to be. He'd make love to me like nothing I'd ever felt, and I'd believe him. I'd wake up the next morning thinking, -believing-, things were going to be different. And he'd be gone," at this Ran snorted and chuckled. "What a dumb-fuck I was."
I could feel my heart growing heavier and heavier with each word Ran uttered. I had asked him to tell me about Yuushi, and I was sorry that I had. I had expected him to tell me how wonderful he was, how in love they had been, how unbearable it was to lose him. But the more Ran talked the more I could see how deep his scars ran. I could see why he pushed people away, why he didn't want to let others in. I wondered if he expected me to treat him the way Yuushi had. But then I knew he couldn't, because if he had he would never have let me into his life like this.
I kissed his chest softly, placing a small peck on his cool skin. "You don't have to tell me any more. I'm sorry. I-I didn't think it would be anything like this."
His fingers continued to play with my hair. "No... I don't mind. I've sort of wanted to tell you for a while, but... I didn't really know how. I didn't know how you'd feel if you knew I'd had another lover here in Nam."
I shrugged against him. "I knew the whole time, so it doesn't matter."
"I know that now," he grumbled.
I nuzzled his skin and kissed him again. "Why did he follow you to Nam if he was like that?" I asked.
"Like I said, it was a game to him. He thought it would be fun to play soldier for a while. When he told me that he'd enlisted I had mixed feelings. I was glad, because I had been so afraid of being without him, but at the same time I regretted losing the chance to finally be on my own, and see if I could be without him. Sometimes I think that's why he enlisted. He didn't want me to have the chance to break away. He was very needy. That's why he slept around, always searching for affection. He followed me here because he couldn't stand the thought that I could be a person without him. He was very possessive..."
"I'm sorry, Ran," I whispered.
He chuckled. "Why? You didn't do anything."
"That's not what I meant. I'm just so sorry that you had to go through that. As much of an ass-hole as Kase was in the end, I never doubted how he felt for me when we were together. Maybe I should have, seeing how things turned out, but I always felt loved by him."
"Hn." Ran was silent for a few more moments then started to talk again. "But it was strange. Nam really seemed to take its toll on Yuushi. Things were all changed around here; it was Yuushi who needed me. It was like one day he just woke up and realized that we weren't playing a game anymore, like he realized people were really dying out there. He hated flying, he hated it when I went up without him. That's why he asked to become my pilot, even after my first two had died. He got to be a wreck, and his flying got sloppy, but they just kept sending us up. One night he crawled into my bunk and just fell apart. He lay there sobbing, begging me to forgive him and promising that if God just let us live he'd stay with me forever. The next time we went up, he lost control of the chopper when we were hit by a stray bullet; he just froze. Nose-plowed us right into the ground. The whole cockpit was crushed in. After that I just went blank for the most part. I was transferred to another unit and closed myself off. Just when he finally wanted to stay with me I lost him. He wasn't there to protect me anymore. I lost two more pilots and then you came along. I guess... maybe you two weren't totally different, at least... I watch you, I see you falling apart and I see him all over again. If I lose you too... I don't know what I'll do," he trailed off.
I had never heard Ran talk so much about anything. I wanted to make him stop hurting, I wanted to tell him everything was going to be ok, but I knew that I couldn't make that promise. I didn't know that things were going to be ok. Still... I wanted to comfort him. He had comforted me so many times, it was my turn.
I pulled myself up, crawling over his body until I could prop myself over him and look down into his gorgeous face. "I'm here now," I whispered as I leaned down to kiss him tenderly. "I'm here Ran, and I will never treat you the way he treated you. I don't love you best, Ran, I love you only. I won't be like him," I murmured urgently against him.
He sighed and I felt his shaking fingers run over my back. "I know you won't," he whispered back to me. "That's why I-... why I-."
I knew what he wanted to say, and what held him back. Kissing him again I poured my heart out into him. He moaned and whimpered as I kissed him deeply, taking charge for a few moments. When the kiss ended I whispered against the shell of his ear, "Say it, Ran. Go ahead. I heard you say it earlier. It doesn't matter now."
He choked and then took my face in his hands, pushing me back so that he could see my face. Tears were forming in his eyes and it was breaking my heart, but elating my heart at the same time. Closing his eyes he bit his lip and then whispered, so softly I could barely hear, "That's why I love you."
"Oh, Ran," I whispered, unable to stop myself as I wrapped my arms around him and drew our bodies together, our lips meeting again in a fevered moment of love and acceptance. The heat spread though my body until it felt like my skin was burning. Everywhere his fingers touched me he left a trail of tingling fire until they came to grasp my hips, his nails urgently biting into my flesh. He pulled at me as he moaned into my mouth, sweetening the kiss with his neediness. As I braced myself above him I felt him move beneath me, shifting and settling until I felt his knees draw up on either side of my body and realized that I was cradled between his legs.
Startled, I broke the kiss and stared down at him panting, sweat beginning to dampen my hair and slide over my body. The way he looked up at me made my pulse quicken. His eyes were hooded and lust filled, soft and vulnerable. That unbelievably red hair spread out in a tousled mess around his head, fanning out on the single, white pillow. He was breathless and trembling, his usually pale skin flushed and glowing. He stared up at me dazedly, and whimpered, his breath coming out in a trembling exhale as he said my name. "Ken... take me."
I froze. I stared at him fixedly, my breath shallow and quick. His eyes fluttered closed and he lay beneath me waiting for something. "Wha-what?" I breathed, suddenly afraid.
He wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled himself against me, kissing my face and nipping my ear before whispering, "Please. Make love to me. I want to be yours."
My heart beat so fast that I could hardly stand it. All along Ran had been the aggressor; he had pursued me, made himself dominant. I wasn't sure what to do. I had never expected to see him so submissive to me, never expected to hear him ask me to be in control.
But as he lay back again I felt him arch his back beneath me, his hips rising impatiently, and I felt the burning heat of his most private entrance against my growing manhood. But still I hesitated; still I trembled above him, shaking in uncertainty and insecurity.
He moaned and then lay back, his eyes opening as I refused to move. He looked up at me, sweet confusion clouding his clear eyes, and moaned softly as he reached up to touch my face. "Ken? What's wrong?" he breathed, shifting under me again.
I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I felt his warmth move against me again. "I... I can't," I breathed.
He blinked up at me and then furrowed his brows. "Ken, it's ok. It's not like I haven't done this before. Don't worry, it's not my first time," he said softly, running his hand over my face.
I realized then that in all likelihood it had been Yuushi who was the dominant lover in his relation with Ran, or at least that he and Ran had been more equal as lovers than Kase and I had. I didn't understand why I hadn't seen it before, I should have grasped it from what he told me earlier. Both of them so forceful and yet so needy.
I took a trembling breath, and then locked eyes with my lover. "I... it's my first time... like this." I wasn't sure if I should be embarrassed or ashamed, but I felt my face grow hotter as I looked down into his steady, blue gaze.
He seemed momentarily confused and then his eyes widened just slightly. "With Kase you never..."
I shook my head, closing my eyes. "Never."
He was silent for a moment, and I kept my eyes closed until I felt his hand on my cheek again. I sighed, leaning into the touch and slowly let my eyes open, still afraid to look at him. "I'm sorry, Ran. I don't think I can do this now... I don't... I won't know how to make it good for you."
"Ken. H-how could being with you be anything but good?" he asked softly, stoking my cheek with his thumb.
I leaned farther into his touch, closing my eyes again and kissing the palm of his hand as I turned my head. "I don't want to hurt you," I murmured, "I -know- how painful it can be, and I... if this is the only time we get to be together I don't want it to be like that."
I felt Ran's finger brush the matted hair from my eyes and then trail shakily down to my neck. "Hidaka, look at me," he called softly. "Hidaka."
And so I did. We looked deeply into each other for a few moments, nothing hidden, nothing held back. Then he leaned up and, taking my face in his hands, kissed me with his eyes open, kept me looking into him even when I thought the intensity of it would overwhelm me. I felt tears forming in my eyes again, and I choked slightly as he kissed me.
When he pulled away he smiled at me softly. "If this is the only time we can be together, then nothing could ever be worse than not being with you. Take me, Ken, please. Make this complete. You can't hurt me, not when I want you this much."
Again his hands moved over and down my body, causing the heat to rekindle in my flesh. His hands tugged at my hips and he arched up against me once more, his eyes still locked with mine until he closed them, moaning softly in his desire. I let instinct and his hands guide me as the tip of my manhood found the puckered entrance of his anus. I wasn't even inside him yet, but I could feel the pulsing heat of his body and it made me feel lightheaded. A soft moan was issued from my throat as he pressed back against me. I meditated on his beautiful face as it became awash in pleasure and impatience. I thought then that as long as it had been for me, it had been longer for Ran.
I let his hands tell me how much was too much and how much was enough as I began to shift my hips forward, pressing in past the tight mouth. He groaned and arched his back after only a few moments and I was amazed that I could hold such power over him. I closed my eyes, pushing farther, feeling myself become enveloped in indescribable, delectable warmth. As I pressed farther I felt as if I passed some threshold within him and he arched his back again, crying out wordlessly, tossing his head, red hair shifting against the white of the pillow. I didn't know if I had hurt him so I stopped, panting heavily, my teeth grit against the sensual torture of being within him.
"Are you ok?" I asked hoarsely.
His body trembled beneath me as he panted softly and then groaned, "Oh God, you feel so good. Don't stop, please... don't stop."
Seeing him spread out before me, begging me to take him made me so hot I could barely stand it. As if being buried within his beautiful body wasn't enough, now I had to contend with his words as well. I didn't want to end this prematurely, but he was making it so hard.
Clutching the bed sheet in my fists I pushed still farther forward, still unable to comprehend how ungodly good it felt. It was as if there was nothing between us, as if we were of the same skin, so fully did I seem to merge with him. I could no longer hold back the moans that were building in my chest, and as I felt my hips finally contact the firmness of his body I released the sound in an agonized rush.
"I can't feel half as good as you do," I breathed. I paused only for a moment then, waiting for some sign from him to continue. The raising of his hips was all I needed. Rocking forward I sought to find that place within him, hoping that I could find that buried place that he had found so deep within me. I wasn't disappointed. He threw his head back, gasping audibly as I brushed against his prostate, sending shoots of erotic pleasure coursing not only through him, but through me as well as he tensed around me, constricting his already tight muscles around the engorged flesh of my cock. I found a gasp of my own answering his as he slowly loosened around me and lay back.
Now his hands tugged once again at my hips and I let him lead me into a dangerous dance of push and pull. Every stroke within his body drove me further and further towards climaxing. My cries mingled with his to create the most beautiful music I had ever heard, the most beautiful music I will ever hear. Eventually his grip on my hips loosened as his fingers slid against my sweat coated skin. Then they fell limply to the bed, no longer able to hold on, able only to clutch loosely at the bed sheet as he left me to continue the rhythm we had begun on my own. Every time his hips met mine I knew I touched that place inside of him.
"Oh, fuck... Ran, I-I can't stand it!" I cried as I plunged into his hot, willing body. My whole being shook, and I could barely support myself above him any longer.
"Then let go," he breathed, clamping his muscles down around me, pulling me farther and farther into himself, and I pushed forward for the last time, climaxing, filling him with my essence, practically screaming with the unbidden, unbridled pleasure that he gave to me.
And he caught me in his weak, trembling arms as I collapsed against him, pulling myself from his body. I lay panting against his chest, shaking still with the force of my orgasm. His hands traveled tentatively over my body, trailing over my sweat slick skin. God how I loved him. I thought my heart would burst from what he made me feel. I had enough will to pull myself up and find his lips once again. We kissed like crazed fools, moaning and crying, taking each other with a passion that was completely unhindered. As we pulled apart our tongues lingered, and he suddenly reached up, pulling me back into a full kiss. I knew then that no matter how much of each other we recieved it could never be enough.
Then I felt him raise his hips against me, seeking to find friction and release against my body. I pulled back and kissed his eyes. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hold out for you."
He smiled as he arched against me again, "It's alright. I wasn't exactly helping."
"No," I said, furrowing my brows, still panting from our last kiss, "you weren't."
I began to pull back, intent on sliding down his body and finishing things for him the way he had done for me that day in the schoolroom. But his hands stopped me suddenly and he shook his head, creasing his brow. I leaned over him again and looked down into his flushed face, once more finding myself lost in him.
"Don't," he murmured. "I want to stay in your eyes." He kissed me tenderly and then pulled away, lying back.
"But what about..." I trailed off.
Once again he raised his hips against me, one of his hands sliding down my arm. "Just touch me," he murmured.
Shifting I slipped one of my hands between us, groping blindly against his warm, slick body until I found the shaft of his hardened manhood. His eyes fluttered shut as my exploratory fingers moved over the soft skin of his cock, already slick with precum.
"More..." he breathed, raising his hips, pushing into my hand.
I chuckled as I watched his exquisite features twist and move at my touch. I don't know how long I tortured him, or perhaps it was he who allowed himself to be tortured, but when he came, thick strands of his cum being expelled into my hand and over his abdomen, he cried out, calling my name with such force that it seemed as if he had waited an eternity only to say that one word.
Again in the afterglow we lay together, ignoring the stickiness and the slickness of our bodies as we cuddled together in the slowly darkening room. Neither of us meant to but we both drifted off, seduced into slumber by the safety we felt in the other's arms.
* * * * * *
Tears are falling from my eyes now, but I pretend that they aren't there. Why? Why did I make myself relive that time? It was so beautiful, and now so painful. The sound of his voice in my ear, the feel of his skin, unlike the skin of any other person on the earth, against my fingertips. Flawless. He had been nothing but perfect to me, and now he was gone. Nowhere to be found. Nowhere.
I push off the ground with my feet and let myself swing back and forth for a few moments. His face still swims before my eyes, the texture of his hair can be felt in my fingers.
Finally I brush angrily at my eyes and sigh, one long quavering breath that feels like it will never end. When it does I force myself to stand up, trying to push the thoughts of him out of my mind, but I know that it's useless now. I passed the point of no return.
But regardless of that I have to make my way home. I wonder if Mary has already called the house to check on me. Shaking my head and jamming my hands into my pocket I take off down the slope and back towards the path. The sky looks like it might try to clear, but I know there isn't any point in holding my breath about it. Rain is as regular here as the aching of my heart.
I can feel my hands beginning to shake inside my pockets, and the sharp edge of a headache is beginning to make itself known. I realize, as I walk along, that I missed my afternoon dosage. Stupid of me. I always keep one bottle of my pills at the store, but I didn't think to take any of them with me when I left, since at that time I thought I was going home. I grumble in agitation as I imagine the medication in my mind. I realize how far away home is and quicken my step, even though as I do I can feel my muscles beginning to cramp on me. I hate this! I hate it. Why do I have to be so weak? If he could see me now... hell for all I know he -does- see me now.
He'd be so angry. The thought makes me smile. But somehow I think that if he was here it wouldn't be so hard to stop taking my meds. I could do it, I would to it, if it would bring him back to me. Are you listening God?
Heh... didn't think so.
* * * * * *
When I woke up I found my back curled against Ran's torso. One of his arms was draped lazily over my side and I could feel his warm breath against the back of my neck. Something was different and it took me a moment to figure out what it was. The room was completely dark. Startled, I realized the darkness' implications and twisted around in Ran's embrace.
"Ran!" I cried, reaching back to shake him. He made no response, just went on sleeping. "Ran! Oi, Fujimiya!" I barked, "Wake up!"
This time I punched his arm and then started to get out of bed. Grumbling he rolled over and started to stretch. "Ow, what the hell was that for, Hidaka?"
"Would you look outside, what time is it?!" I cried, fishing around in the dark for my clothes.
"Fuck," he murmured and then got up with me. He moved around purposefully and then suddenly there was a flare of light and I saw him standing there holding his lighter up to his wrist. He looked at me, rolled his eyes and then flicked the lighter shut again. "It's past nine. Almost two hours past. We've been asleep for almost four hours. Fuck."
I sat back down on the bed and stared at him, my mouth hanging open. "We missed the pick up?"
I saw his faint outline nod and then watched as he came back to the bed and crawled up behind me, lying down again. "It would appear so."
"What the hell are we going to do?!" I cried. "When don't come back... what if they all know?!"
"They won't know. We'll radio them tomorrow and say we had a mix up on where we were being picked up. It's not a big deal. Besides even if it was there's nothing we can do now, so just come back here and lie down. We might was well enjoy the time while we can."
"Ran! It's not that simple I mean... what about Kudou?! We have a missio- ."
"Fuck Kudou!" Ran snapped from behind me.
I caught my breath as a sudden thought came to me and then said, "You didn't, did you?"
"Didn't what?"
"Fuck Kudou."
"What?! No I did not fuck Kudou! Eww. He's slept with half the prostitutes in Vietnam, why would I want to fuck Kudou?"
"He has a fiancée did you know that?" I said softly.
"What? What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing I suppose."
Suddenly there was a tentative knock on the door. "Is Willy Ng. Want to make sure that it's all ok. You stay tonight, hm? You ok?"
"We're fine, fuck off!" Ran shouted.
"Ah, so so. Ok." Shuffling feet could be heard retreating from the door.
I turned my eyes on what I could make out of Ran in the darkness. He looked back at me and our eyes, seeming to glow, found each other and we started to giggle.
"Oh, we are so screwed," I moaned, as I leaned back to lay down again. I found Ran's arms waiting for me and nestled myself inside of them, allowing him to pull me against his warm body.
"It doesn't matter now. Just forget about it, and enjoy it while you can," he murmured, kissing my hair. "And why would you think that I'd fucked Kudou?"
I sighed. "I don't know. I didn't really think so, but then I still don't understand why he wasn't surprised when he walked in on us in his quarters that time. And what he said to you. What did he mean, how did he already know about you?"
Ran sighed and pulled me closer. "Kudou was one of the commanding officers, not my crew chief, but the crew chief of another AHC, where I was stationed with Yuushi. I guess it's pretty safe to say that Yuushi had almost no sense of discretion and no fear of being caught. I can't even tell you the number of times we were almost walked in on after he'd cornered me somewhere on base or in the hangar. Not that he wanted to do anything... you know, but he had no shame as far as making out went. Of course it was bound to happen, and it did, someone did catch us. You can probably guess who."
"Lieutenant Kudou," I said flatly.
I felt him nod and then he continued. "He just kinda stood there for a few moments and then realized what was going on. He looked like he was going to make a break for it, but before he could Yuushi grabbed him and slammed him against the wall. I remember what Yuushi said to him. He said, 'If you so much as breathe a word of this to one soul I will rip off your dick and shove it up your own ass before we are shipped home.' Yuushi had balls the size watermelons I swear. For a soldier to get into an officer's face like that, to threaten him... But afterwards I was scared shitless anyway that Kudou was going to tell. I went to talk to him myself. I don't really remember what I said to him, but I guess whatever it was must have worked, because he never told any of the other officials. But after that Yuushi was a little more careful about where he ambushed me. Over time, and especially right after Yuushi's death I guess I found Kudou to be someone I could trust. It was as if since he already knew my one big secret I didn't have to be afraid to show him more of myself. And eventually he stopped trying to resist our tentative 'friendship.' I never thought I'd see him again after I was transferred and then, what do you know, I end up here serving under him with you. I think he's getting tired of covering up my dirty laundry."
"He's probably wondering why he gets all the homos," I giggled.
"Probably."
Ran stroked my back and kissed my forehead. "I really do love you, Ken."
"I'm so happy," I whispered against him.
"Can I make love to you again?"
"Not like we have anything else to do," I chuckled, moving against him, kissing his neck. A few moments later I was on my back again, receiving him with all my heart. We made love that night again and again. We made love until the bedding was wet with sweat and cum and neither of us could move. We made love like we'd never make love again. Good thing too.
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Gah! Even my beta'er said it was cheese! *goes to find katana with which to commit seppuku* Oh well, not like I care. You got more smut and enjoy it while you can cause it'll be the last of it. I think... Bah, not even I know where this is going anymore... er... no wait, -of course- I know where this is going. Yeeees. *looks around* You wouldn't think it would be so hard would you? Well anyway, review if you value your life and updates. *waves* Jya!
Look it's so shiney. go ahead Push it.