Disclaimer: *bleep*
Comments: You know... I always wonder if anybody actually reads my comments. I mean if they do I must really seem like some cracked out weirdo. _;; Oh well. Well here you go, the next installment of Sweet Hell. I dun know what you guys are expecting; there was much angstitude in the reviews. "Make a happy ending, Marty! Make a happy ending, Marty!" "Marty, stop being cryptic!" "Don't kill Ran!" Yeah yeah, you guys are silly. *evil laughter!!* How's that for cryptic? Well, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter because I could finally start writing plot again! It was nice. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. Although... I have a feeling that I'll end up being chewed out several times if the comments of my beta'er are anything to go by. *snickers* Again with the cryptic, ne? Enjoy. R&R please!!
Gah! My roommate has returned!! *runs and hides* Mmmm. cheez-its. (I almost wrote "Cheez-tits".. *snickers*)
_______________________________________________________________
I don't remember what time it was when we woke up the next morning. I do remember being very reluctant to get up, due more to the fact that no matter which way I turned something jarred or twinged than the fact that I wanted to stay in Ran's arms. Of course there was that too, but... it was really the not moving part that I was most concerned with. But eventually we both managed to pull ourselves apart and get moving. With thoughtful touches and good humored encouragement we coaxed each other out of bed and did the best we could to clean each other's bodies with the water provided by the door. We used Ran's shirt to wipe away the remnants of our love making.
For some reason after that night of endless, unhindered passion we were both strangely tentative and awkwardly bashful. I felt his skin shiver under my fingers as I touched his body and felt my own cheeks flush as his gentle hands moved over mine slowly. Our eyes met again and again, lingering for a moment before hastily turning away, frightened by implications of what we found in each other. Teasing, playful words were murmured back and forth in the stillness of that morning, and sweet whispers were uttered into burning ears. The intimacy of that moment was startlingly different from that of the night before, but no less potent.
It took quite a bit of willpower on both of our parts not to simply fall back on the bed and make love again. Not that either of us were particularly in any shape to do so.
My lips were so bruised that even the gentlest of kisses from him made me wince. Even so I tilted my face up to meet his again and again as we slowly dressed ourselves. Like I said before, I could never get enough.
Finally we were clothed. Ran left his under shirt, too filthy to even consider salvaging, in the jumble of equally dirty sheets on the bed. As he buttoned up his shirt I couldn't help but meditate on how flawless his exposed collar bone was. Tracing my finger along the hard ridge I pulled him against the wall, grinning foolishly.
"Kiss me again. One more time before we go," I murmured.
He smiled and shook his head, bending down, taking my lips with his, covering them and kissing me so long and so deep that even the pain was forgotten with the rushing in my ears.
After that kiss I followed him out the door, leaving the room that had been our own private heaven, and walked stiffly down the stairs. Ran left another twenty on the bar as we passed and then wordlessly exited Willy Ng's. Leaving it I had a strange feeling, and glancing over my shoulder I realized that in all of Nam this place would be the one that meant the most to me. Here I had experienced my greatest sorrow and my greatest joy. This was the place I had lost Omi and the place where I shared myself with the man I loved. I will always have mixed feelings about Willy Ng's: American Style Bar.
We didn't talk as we made our way down the muddy streets, past villagers on bicycles wearing broad straw hats, past the open market, and finally out of the village itself, heading back towards the school room. It felt good to be walking around. My body felt strange and cramped, not surprising considering the abuse I'd put it through the night before. I watched Ran as he lit a cigarette, snapping his lighter open and then closed with the flick of his wrist. He smoked, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. I wondered what he was thinking about, but didn't really feel like asking. Besides, I already had a pretty good idea. He was thinking the same things I was.
After Ran radioed Pang Nuan and gave them some half-assed, crap excuse about waiting at the wrong pick up spot we waited around in the chilly, cement-floored room for ten o'clock to roll around. That was when the next transport was coming into the village. We were to wait at the school house, no ifs, ands or buts. So we waited.
I'm not sure if we talked at all, I don't really remember. I think we were both lost in our memories of the night before and our trepidation of the night to come.
At some point the rain began to pour again. Sheets fell against the side of the tiny box room in which Ran and I sat, hugging ourselves against the dampness in the air. By the time we heard the blast of the Jeep horn I had silently watched Ran smoke a third of his pack of cigarettes. I knew that shit wasn't good for him, but I also knew I was in no position to preach about what was or wasn't good for anybody. Slipping my hand into my pocket I could feel the cool, smooth cylinder of pills under my fingers. Thinking about it then I thought it strange that Ran hadn't discovered them. But then again neither of us was paying any attention to things like that by the time we were undressing each other.
I had been startled when I felt his hands fall onto my shoulders. Jumping slightly I looked up to meet his eyes and found a blankness there I hadn't seen for a very long time. For some reason it was as if he was already beginning to block himself off, to steel himself against the possible. I didn't like that. He seemed distant and unobtainable, so different from how he had been that morning. My heart clenched tightly.
"Ran?" I asked softly, trying to see beyond the haziness in his indigo eyes.
"Shhh," he hissed quietly and then kissed me full on the lips, a long, lingering kiss. His lips felt cold and for the first time I could taste more smoke than sweetness.
Then he took my hand and pulled me up from the desk where I had been perched. After that he let go and walked across the cement floor, his boots scuffing on the dirty surface, and out into the rain.
I stood for a few moments and looked at his receding back. I waited until he was already halfway up the hill and then I followed. I felt sick to my stomach. He had placed a seed of pain and worry deep within me, and I couldn't shake it. It wasn't that he wanted to be cold. I knew that he wasn't trying to push me away or hold me at bay; it was just that Ran knew only too well that this next mission might be the end. He was preparing himself, putting up the walls as a precaution. But I knew that no matter how many walls either of us put up now, it wasn't going to make any difference if something happened to one of us on this mission. In the end the result would be the same. It just didn't matter.
The ride back to base was made in silence. The driver didn't even seem to notice that Ran had lost his undershirt somewhere along the way. When we reached base Kudou was waiting beneath the eaves of the transport garage. He looked pissed.
"You two, come with me," he said in a voice that was deceptively calm. "Thanks for going to get them, Fraser."
"No problem, sir."
Neither Ran nor I said anything as the three of us hustled through the rain towards the officer's quarters. Kudou was slamming doors open and shut by the time we got there, and I was totally unprepared for what was to come. As soon as we entered his office he whirled on us, water spraying from the ends of his hair. We were all soaking wet.
"What the fuck do you think you were doing?!" he screamed.
"We missed the transport, sir," Ran said calmly.
"I already fucking know that, Fujimiya! And don't think your little excuse has me fooled for one second. I know you, Ran, and this is unacceptable! I have covered your ass enough times, I have looked the other way in good faith, but this is too fucking much! If you want to screw your little boyfriends you do it on your own time, ass-hole!"
Ran stood there, unblinking, staring into space. I didn't know what to do, so I did the same, only I stared at the ground.
"You have a mission in less than forty-eight hours! That's right, while you two were out playing house the mission was bumped up a day, you're going out tomorrow at dusk. And you two pull a stunt like this. I can't fucking believe it! I can not believe it, Ran. I mean... shit just look at you! Where the hell is your shirt?! I can be in a lot of shit for this! I can be court marshaled, you idiot, it isn't just your two asses on the line here, pardon the pun!"
"Youji it isn't that big of a deal. No harm done," Ran said calmly, quietly.
"Shut the fuck up, Fujimiya. Did I say you could talk yet? No!" Here the Lieutenant paused, pacing agitatedly before us, biting his thumbnail, shaking his head. "I can't do this, Ran. I can't cover up your dirty laundry anymore. Last time I could turn my head the other way, because neither you nor your ass-hole lover were my problem. You weren't serving under me then, so I could let it slide. But this is different. I am -responsible- for the actions and behavior of -both- of you! If you had wanted to take a leave day and go off and do your dirty deeds in silence that would have been one thing. But to take off while on duty and take -my- time and screw each other with it is absolutely unacceptable. I am your commanding officer and I can't just pretend that this isn't happening!"
With that he fell silent again and glared at both of us, his eyes burning as he seethed for a few moments. Then he walked behind his desk and rummaged around in his drawer until he found a cigarette and lit it. I raised my eyes to watch him take one long drag, hold it in, and then slowly sit back into his chair as he exhaled.
"I don't need this," he said as if talking to himself. "I don't. I have enough problems. First the whole scene with you two and Schu and Farf, and then that Gook kid, and then the bombing, and Swanny, and then Crawford, and now this! Are you trying to flaunt it in my face?! Could you be anymore obnoxious about it, Ran? Could you?! I mean... it isn't that I don't understand... ok, well maybe I don't -exactly- understand, but I can at least relate in some way. I don't know how I can just overlook this."
Ran crossed his arms and glared at Kudou. "Just do. Fuck, Kudou, it's never going to happen again, and it's not as if anyone else even has the tiniest inkling."
Kudou looked up, blowing smoke at Ran. "You know that's not true, -private- . You know as well as I do that your friend and mine, Mr. Max Wolff, and his crony have a pretty good idea about what's going on. In fact... I think Schuldich actually -knows- about you and Yuushi. So don't give me that 'ignorance is bliss' crap. And you," he snapped, turning his eyes on me, "what do you have to say for yourself?"
I was startled by Kudou's sudden address. I looked at him and caught my breath, pausing as I thought of something to say. My lips moved around a few words and then I finally spoke. "I won't make any excuses, sir. I don't regret what we've done. This mission may be fatal-," here Kudou cut me off, looking like he might turn green.
"Oh Jesus, shut up! You're going to make me ill," he mumbled and then looked down at his desk. After a moment he grumbled in frustration and ran his hands through his water-darkened hair. "Look... I don't care what the fuck you two do when you get out of here. Go back to the States and be happy homos for the rest of your lives -I don't give a fuck-. But as long as you are here, serving under me, I do not want to hear it, see it, smell it, or be reminded of it in any way, shape or form ever again. Do you understand me? Because if I do I will have your asses shipped home so fast it will make your heads spin! I'm serious. Never again!"
"Yes, sir," Ran and I answered in dull tandem.
"Good. Now get the fuck out of my office and prepare for the mission before I change my mind and have you both court marshaled."
Ran's hands were balled into fists as we walked across the base towards the barracks. No one even gave us a second glance much to my relief. After that encounter with Kudou I found myself shaken and worried, my breath coming shorter than I would have liked. Inside my pocket my hand curled around the smooth surface of a glass bottle.
"I'm going to the head," I said lamely, peeling off from Ran, not waiting for a response.
I shut the door behind me and found myself practically gasping for breath. It felt like everything was watching me as if everything had eyes. Groping my way to one of the sinks I wrestled rather frantically with the lid of my medication bottle, pouring pills indiscriminately out into my hand and then downing at least four. Cupping my hand beneath the running tap I chased the pills with rusty, unclean water and then splashed it over my face, spluttering, hoping the coldness would clear my head.
I could feel the drugs beginning to settle in my bloodstream, slowing my breath, calming my pulse. My eyes fluttered shut and I let myself lean back against the wall, sinking to the floor between the sinks, my head resting against the wall.
I didn't hear the door open. I didn't hear boots scuffing across the cement floor. I didn't hear anything until I heard that voice. "Rough night, Hidaka?" There was an undeniable smirk in that voice, a sneer, and it made my stomach turn.
Opening my eyes I looked dazedly upwards and locked with a pair of steel blue eyes. "Fuck off, Max," I hissed.
He chuckled, tossing his orange hair cockily. "You'd probably enjoy that wouldn't you? Sorry, Kenken, I don't play for your team."
I just glared at him, hoping all my hate was reaching him in that stare. "Bastard."
At this he snickered. "Now why are you getting all nasty with me? I'm only having a bit of fun, Hidaka. No worries, my friend. Now here," he said, extending his hand towards me, "get up off that disgusting floor and come back to the barracks with me."
I looked at his hand warily and then back up at his face, questioning his motives. "Just take my hand, wanker."
Unable to think of any good reason not to, and unwilling to remain on the cold floor any longer I did so. He hauled me to my feet and we stood there staring at each other for a few moments. I couldn't decipher the smirk on his lips or the light in his eyes. It was unsettling, but I didn't know why.
"You've known all along, haven't you?" I asked flatly.
"Yeah, about Fujimiya anyway. But that's only because I used to fly with him and Honjyou," he said, grinning wolfishly.
I stared at Schuldich blankly for a moment, trying to get my mind to focus, but the pills were doing their job a little too well. "Hon... Honjyou?"
Max arched a thin eyebrow and gave me a skeptical look. For some reason there seemed to be the slightest bit of concern, but I couldn't think why there would be. "Don't tell me that he hasn't told you about Yuushi Honjyou."
"Oh, Yuushi, no I've always known about him. I guess I just never knew his last name," I answered quietly.
Schu grinned and ruffled my hair. "That's good. I'd hate to think that Ran was keeping things from you." He let the comment hang in the air. "I really liked that guy. He was a trouble maker just like me. One night he and I got drunk off our asses, and he told me -all- about his 'relationship' with our good friend Ran Fujimiya. It's a damn shame he went section eight at the end. You should have seen that chopper plow into the earth."
I could do nothing but stare at him blankly. How could he talk so emptily about the death of a man he thought of as a friend?
"So, yeah, to answer your question I've got you and Ran all figure out. But no worries, Hidaka, I like you so," at this he leaned closer until his lips were barely millimeters from my ear, I could feel his hot breath on my skin and I didn't like it, "my lips are sealed."
He snickered again as he pulled away, giving me a wink as he turned, flipped his hair once more and then made a beeline for the door. Not knowing how I should react or whether or not I should believe him I simply followed him out.
When we got back to the barracks Schuldich held the door open for me for no apparent reason. At least he didn't ruffle my hair. Ran was standing at the end of the bunk with his toiletries pouch. I could see Farf grinning at him from the end of his bunk, he and Ran seemed to be having a staring contest.
"Taking a shower, Fujimiya? You probably need one. You and Hidaka here both, huh?" Schuldich called past my shoulder. I saw Ran's lip curl just slightly.
"It is a messy business, that," Jei intoned deviously and then chuckled in that eerily husky voice of his. "Don't you agree, Nippies?"
"Oh, we're being collectivized now?" I snapped as I got to my bunk.
Farf shifted his odd yellow eyes to me and grinned a bit more broadly. "And why not? You seem to be sharing everything else."
I wasn't going to play their little game or be baited so I just grit my teeth and turned away. Ran, thankfully, did the same. Strange, I remembered then how he had clocked Farfarello on the very first day I'd been in Pang Nuan. I wondered if he'd really changed all that much, or if things just weren't that simple anymore.
"I'm going to take a shower," Ran grated, turning away and heading down the isle. "I suggest you do the same," he called back to me.
At this Schuldich nodded and came to lean near me against the bunk. "I think that's a good idea. But not at the same time."
"Yeah, might make things awkward for the other would be bathers," Farf piped up.
I glared hard at each of them in turn and then went to lie on my bed. "I'll keep that in mind."
Eventually I did go to take a shower. It felt better than any shower I'd ever taken. I stood under the hot water and just let it pour over me, washing away all the dirt and grime and whatever else clung to my skin. It soothed my weariness and calmed my frayed nerves, wave after wave of liquid warmth caressing my skin.
I didn't see Ran for the rest of the day. I don't know where he went, but wherever he was it wasn't with me. I slept the rest of the day away, bothering only to get up to attend evening mess. I didn't see Ran there either. I was already in my bunk waiting for lockdown, when I heard him come down the isle and quickly undress before swinging into the bunk above me. I lay there in the darkness hoping he would come to me, that he would hold me if only for a few minutes.
It was well into the early morning when he did finally swing down. I had already succumbed to sleep, a painful bitterness filling my heart as I drifted off without the comfort of his arms or even a softly spoke word of endearment. So when he woke me, gently touching my shoulder and shaking me I almost cried out in alarm. But my rising breath was stilled as I felt his soft, cool fingers fall over my lips. I could barely make him out as I lay there on my back, searching for his face in the darkness. No words were spoken as I felt his lips tentatively descend upon mine and linger briefly before pulling away again. And then he was gone, swung back up into his own bunk.
The next day seemed to drag on forever. Those of us flying the mission, Jei, Max, Ran, myself and the two co's who had been assigned the day Ran and I spent in Sang Cho-na, Mitchell and Brick, weren't required to attend the regular scheduled training. I guess they thought we could better pass the day in 'mental preparation' or something. Once again all day long Ran was distant and aloof, keeping to himself, reading quietly in his bunk or out of my sight completely.
As the day wore on I found myself growing more and more anxious. Within my heart there grew an increasingly urgent longing to see Ran. Just once more I wanted to talk to him, to hear his words of comfort and affection before we had to become nothing more than a pilot and gunner and fly off into what might be our deaths. But by the time I made up my mind to talk to him despite his obvious avoidance of me, he was no longer in his bunk. In fact he was nowhere.
It seemed fitting somehow that I walked all over the base looking for him. It gave me time to look the place over and conjure my memories. I stopped in the infirmary to pass a few words with the on duty nurses. It wasn't Manx and Ms. Birman, but it really didn't matter that much. They let go back into the recovery room and I stood for a few minutes at the end of the bed where Omi had once lain. My mind filled with the remembrance of our talks there, it was strange. so strange.
"Hey, kid," I murmured under my breath. "I miss you, you know that? But everything is different now, I wonder what you'd think. Heh. Anyway, wish me luck, ok?" I let my hand tighten around the steel post at the foot of the bed and then wandered back out into the daylight.
Eventually I found myself skirting the outside of the wreck building, heading out onto the training field. It was empty in the early afternoon; the soldiers were all engaged in other, more entertaining undertakings.
I didn't realize where I was heading at first until I realized that I'd come out on the far end of the field, just behind the pile of discarded beams on which I had sat and talked with Youji Kudou my very first evening in Pang Nuan. I don't know why, but somehow it didn't surprise me that I came upon him again.
He was sitting, facing out over the field. From the little trail of thin, silvery smoke drifting up over his head I knew he was smoking. I paused and then began to turn to leave, not wanting to face Kudou, not knowing what either he or I would say to each other. His anger from the previous day was still fresh in my mind. His voice stopped me.
"Oi, Hidaka. Don't skulk around, come join me for a smoke," he called softly.
Turning back I answered, "I don't smoke, sir."
He had chuckled and bobbed his head. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Good for you, this shit will kill you. Heh. Well then, sit with me while I smoke. I want to talk to you anyway."
I wasn't sure if I should feel apprehensive or relieved. I had thought of Kudou as a friend for a long time, and I didn't want to leave things with him the way they were. Yet I feared that there would only be more reproach. Regardless I walked over to the pile of beams and hoisted myself up beside him. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and then took a long drag, holding the smoke in his lungs before exhaling in a soft rush.
"You know, Hidaka, I really like you. I've liked you since the first day you got here," he said absently. "I don't want you to think that that's changed because of what I said yesterday. What you do with your own time is your business, private. But what you do with my time is my business, do you know what I mean?"
I'd nodded and said nothing. I was beginning to resent being scolded like a child.
Youji waved his hand in the air, his cigarette leaving a smoke trail. "You know, it isn't that I really feel like I have any right to talk, but I just want you to hear me out on this. What you and Ran are getting yourselves involved in is just going to be trouble to everyone. To you and to him especially. There are enough opportunities for you to get screwed over here, and bringing something like that into the equation is setting yourself up for a whole lot of heartache and trouble. I know. I was there when Yuushi died, I saw what happened to Ran, and everyday I kicked myself for not doing something about it, for not putting an end to things when I could have. I'm saying this for your own good. From now on don't fuck around with Ran Fujimiya. Just let him go. Let him go, let him off easy before losing you the hard way destroys him. Tell him you don't feel for him, or that this isn't what you want, make it easy for him to lose you if he has to. If you both survive and when the war is over you two want to play house for the rest of your lives, fine, whatever. But here, now, just let it go. Just forget about it, Ken. It's for the best."
I was silent for a few moments and then turned to look at him. "How can I forget about it, sir? How can I live with him and lie to him. You told me that if I ever fell in love that I shouldn't do anything to fuck it up, because if I did then I would be fucking up everything in my life for eternity. Well I've found love, sir, and I won't fuck it up by lying to Ran now."
The Lieutenant gave me a long look, his green eyes searching mine until he grew weary of searching. Then he shook his head and chuckled. "You always listen to the ramblings of drunken, love-sick fools?"
"When I know they're right, yes."
At this he snorted and took another drag. "Alright, Hidaka. Suit yourself. I can't stop you from doing what you feel is right, but I stand by what I said earlier. If I even get the tinniest inkling of this again I will have you discharged and court marshaled."
"I understand that, sir."
Sighing he reached over and ruffled my hair. "Good. Now go get some rest, you've got a lot of flying to do tonight."
I slept away the late afternoon, trying to store up what little energy I could for the mission.
As dusk began to fall I was awoken by rough shaking.
"C'mon, Hidaka, let's go. We're supposed to meet at hangar four right about now," I blurrily heard Schuldich say as he shook me awake.
"Ok, ok," I snapped, batting at his hand. Farf was leaning against the end of the bunk, looking at me with a smirk on his face. Ran was still nowhere to be seen. Grabbing my jacket I followed Schu and Farf out of the barracks and across the base.
"I imagine the others are waiting at the hangar already," Schu said blandly, looking at me over his shoulder. I raised my tired, empty eyes to meet his and he grinned at me and winked one blue eye. "Don't look so down, Hidaka. This is going to be fun."
I gave a little smile and then went back to staring at the ground. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I wasn't really afraid anymore, it was as if I had accepted whatever might happen. There was a kind certainty within my soul that something was going to happen, and I found that I could do nothing but accept it and get on with things.
Sure enough Ran, Mitchell, and Brick were waiting for us in the hangar. Ran didn't even make eye contact with me. He was leaning against the side of one of the Iroquois, his arms crossed across his chest, a cigarette hanging between his lips, a thin trail of smoke lazily streaming into the sky. Kudou and Botan were also there, standing close together, talking about whatever it is commanding officers talk about.
As soon as we were all assembled, Kudou and Botan made their way over to us and gave us another quick briefing. Our birds were already loaded and waiting for us on the landing field. All we had to do was suit up and get going. We were given the coordinates of the unit we were taking supplies to and sent off with salutes and handshakes. All in all it felt pretty grim. That mission lacked all the adrenaline and excitement of all my other outs. There were no men running to and fro, no shouts or jokes being passed, no nurses hovering at the edge of the field waiting to see us off, and take care of us when we got back. It was just us and the officers. Just us, our choppers, and the coming darkness.
As I watched Mitchell settle into the seat next to me, adjusting his headgear and popping his neck, I heard Kudou call out to us. "I want you boys all back in one piece, you hear me? Don't do anything stupid, just get in and get out!"
None of us answered, there really wasn't any point. I glanced over my shoulder and caught Ran's eye. He was hunkered down at the edge of the hold door, one leg sticking out over the side as he hugged the gun. I gave him a weak smile, and to my joy he gave me one in return. But then as we were given the go signal, I tore my eyes away and started the blades to whirling.
I still remember how the base looked as we raised up over it that night. Everything was quiet and dark. Off on the horizon the very last slivers of the sun could be seen as it set over the jungle. Brilliant pink streaks shot across the sky, and the light dazzled on the waters of the Mekong where it could be seen off in the distance. Never had I seen the jungle look so beautiful. The air was still and the rain had stopped. It seemed as if everything shone in the waning light, and as I followed Schuldich's lead out of the base I knew that the stinging in my eyes was not caused by the brightness of the setting sun.
We flew on, following the river inland, as the skies grew darker. I had never really flown at night before, and I'll tell you right now it was terrifying. We had to maintain almost complete radio silence the farther inland we flew. I relied on my ears to tell me where Schuldich's chopper was. We had to fly pretty low, keeping above the river which at least reflected the moon's light. At least it did until the skies clouded over again and then the rain began to fall. Then we had to fly so slowly it was almost painful. We crept along the top of the canopy and skimmed the water of the river, tying to keep our bearings as the rain obscured the windshield and was blown into the hold by the wind. The little tizzy fit of a storm managed to slow us down so much that we didn't leave the river until two hour after we'd planned. We were in danger of it being light again by turnaround.
Amazingly enough we made it over the last stretch of occupied VC jungle without incident. I noted that Ran was looking a little bored as we pulled up higher so as to stay as far out of range as we could of any would-be Vietnamese heroes. When we reached the approximate coordinates tentative lights began to flash in signal below the canopy. We knew it was safe to turn on the search lights. Sudden, bright white light flooded down from the nose of our two choppers, illuminating the jungle so much that it hurt my eyes. A large clearing had been made in the dense foliage and we could see men waving their arms at us from there.
I gave the sky one last glance off to the East as we began to descend into the jungle. I felt my stomach sink as I detected the tell tale lightening of the sky. We weren't going to be afforded the protection of darkness on the way back home.
As we touched down, the wind from the chopper blades whipping through the trees and blowing up a small amount of dust from the trampled jungle floor, men rushed forward to greet us. Cheers and hands were extended as the men crowded around. I crawled out of the cockpit, exchanging a nervous glance with Mitchell and went to stand by Fujimiya in the hold.
They were wretched. Utterly wretched. The men who cheered for us had good reason to do so. Gaunt, skinny arms reached out of loose fitting, tattered fatigues. Not a single one of them was clean or well shaven. Dark circles ringed their eyes, and there was a certain manic, desperation hidden beneath the surface of every single one of them. You always heard about the men who went AWOL despite all the dangers involved and the possible ramifications of being caught, and you had to wonder why. But looking at these men I understood perfectly.
Over the next half an hour we helped the members of that rag tag unit of Green Berets unload both choppers and get the supply crates neatly stacked. Mosquitoes buzzed and whined around my head, I felt as if they might drive me to insanity. I imagined that these men lived like this all the time, day in and day out. There was no leave time, no dry barracks, no hope it seemed.
Strangely I found my thoughts drifting to Omi for the first time in weeks. I remembered that day, my first out when we had been over run by his battered platoon. I could still remember how helpless and lost I had felt as they swarmed into the chopper hold, hauling each other up, their wretched, ragged forms scrambling for safety. Had they lived like this in the jungle? Day to day living in dirty tents, eaten alive by insects, and in constant fear and anticipation of enemy attack? Of course they had. Before we had rescued him this had been Omi's life. Only in my mind it seemed infinitely worse for him, dragging himself in and out of those tiny tunnels, lost in the endless, winding dark. I shuddered at the thought and looked around again at the strained, weary faces of the soldiers. How I wanted to take them all away from that place. I wanted to take them all back to base and to end their miserable existence in that rotting hellhole.
When everything was unloaded we were formally greeted by the commander of the platoon. He was an older, hardened soldier and his handshake was firm and warm.
"We can't even begin to tell you boys how much we appreciate this," he said, grunting. "Why don't you let me get you a cup of coffee or something, you've got a long flight back to base. Come and sit in my tent for a minute."
"We'd love to, sir," I said, casting my eyes to the sky, "but the sun is already practically up. If we don't get going we won't have any darkness to fly in."
The man shrugged and chuckled. "What difference does it make? Whether you leave now or in half an hour it's still going to be light. Might was well enjoy a cup of joe.. God knows it may be your last."
The six of us exchanged glances and it was silently understood that he was right. We accepted his offer and followed him to his tent. It was really nothing more than a large tarp stretched between trees. A high table was set in the middle, piles of damp, molding papers and maps were strew about the surface, pencils and a compass completing the image. The officer lit a small oil stove and started to boil a pot full of what was probably collected rain water. Within five minutes we had our coffee, brewed through a crude filter and strong enough to down an elephant, but we were happy for it.
Not a whole lot was said as we stood quietly beneath the tarp. The officer would occasionally make a comment about how things were going, or ask about life on the base. All in all we felt pretty dismal. I don't even remember his name now. We left our coffee cups sitting atop and mildewing papers when we were done and headed back to the choppers. A few of the platoon's soldiers were leaning against the big machines talking. They had been waiting to thank us personally, giving us slaps on the back and good- humored comments.
It's all such a blur in my mind now. I don't remember any specific faces, just the sense of desperation that hung in the air.
The blades whirled and within minutes we were lifting back out of the jungle. This time I caught the sunrise. Off to the east the sun crept from beneath the lip of the horizon, and even though I knew it portended badly for us, I could not help but be moved by the beauty once again. The pale, yellow and pink light spread slowly through the sky, staining the clouds with colors of weak fire.
We flew high over the canopy, one chopper flying a few thousand feet higher than the other. This way there was always one chopper which would draw the fire and another that could hopefully escape if we fell under fire. We switched back and forth, and I could tell that Ran was getting tense as his eyes skimmed the trees below for danger.
I didn't like the way he was hanging out of the hold, and I was about to tell him so when I heard the first distant crack and the first dull, metallic twanging sound that told me we'd been hit.
"Shit!" Ran cried, pulling himself back into the hold. "I can't see them," he growled, crouching behind the gun. He rattled off several rounds into the dense, foliage, but he was just shooting in the dark.
We were flying low, drawing the first away from Schu and Farf. I opened the radio channel to them, "Schu do you copy?"
"Copy, Hidaka. What's your status? Was that a shot?"
"Roger, we've been hit, but..." Just then my speech of reassurance was cut short. I could hear a trail of shots go off in rapid succession, dull twanging thuds cutting along the bottom of the hull. I heard Ran cry out in alarm and it was all I could do to keep myself from letting go of the stick and running to him.
"Fuck, Ken!" he yelled, "Pull up!"
"I can't! If I do the fire will be drawn to both choppers!" I screamed back. "What the fuck are you doing? Cover us!"
"I'm trying," he grated, shooting more rounds off into the endless expanse, "but they're all in fucking blinds or something! They must have been expecting our return since last night, they must have heard us go over!"
"Shit!" I hissed, checking the instruments for any signs of damage, so far everything seemed to be ok. Pulling hard on the stick I began to swerve through the sky, hoping that the erratic movement would throw off the VC gunners below us. Mitchell had his face pressed against the side window, attempting to scan the jungle.
"Hidaka?! Are you guys ok?" It was Schuldich crackling over the radio.
"Yes, just keep flying!" I shouted back and then cut the radio. I didn't need Schuldich distracting me. My heart was racing. All I could hear was the sound as it thudded in my chest, keeping a strange cadence with the whacking of the blades. Rounds kept going off and I could no longer tell if they were coming from us or from the jungle.
Again and again I heard the tell tale pinging of metal and I knew we were being struck. It was only a matter of time before the Vietcong got lucky and hit a fuel tank or one of the rotors. If that happened it was going to be bad ju-ju all over.
I heard Ran swear again and then another echoing series of rapid fire shots go off somewhere in the jungle. A spray of bullets penetrated the right side of the cockpit, shattering the window Mitchell was peering through. Glass sprayed through the cockpit, breaking inward in a roar of angry sound. I jerked, dodging imaginary bullets in my mind. Mitchell screamed, reeling back from the window, clutching his face. A smatter of blood had landed across the instruments, deep red shining in the growing light. Mitchell moaned and hunched over in his seat. As I hazarded a glance at him my stomach turned as I saw blood seeping between his fingers, drops collecting and falling to the cockpit floor.
My hands began to shake and lock on the controls. I didn't want this to be happening. We started to loose altitude, the nose sagging towards the earth. I couldn't stop staring at Mitchell. I couldn't stop hearing his cries and moans even though my ears were already full of gunfire and roaring.
"Ken?! What the fuck are you doing?! We're dropping!" Ran screamed at me from the hold. "Pull us up, god damn it!"
My head turned slightly towards him, but my eyes stayed fixed on Mitchell. Nothing was processing. "Ran I..."
"Shut up and fly!" he screamed. "God damn it, Ken, do not freeze on me! Do -not- pull a Yuushi, you bastard!"
I'm not sure if it was his words or the violent jolt that rocked the Bell that brought me out of my daze. A shell had exploded next to us, and by the smoke that suddenly started to fill the hold and the rapidly falling fuel gauge, it was obvious that the shrapnel had punctured one of the fuel tanks. My heart raced as we lurched and rolled, wallowing in the sky like a fat boat. I hauled at the stick, pulling back using as much willpower as anything else to make that bird fly higher.
But it didn't work, we just kept dipping, there wasn't enough power left to get her to go higher. And just then as the river came in sight again two more shells went off, one ripping through the tail of the chopper, tearing off the rear rotor and other exploding just off her nose. Already near blind from the fuel tank's smoke, choking and spluttering I once again took to the stick, trying with all my might to regain some amount of control. It was useless. The tail was falling rapidly, dragging the nose up and I knew then that we were in serious danger of flipping over. There is nothing more horrible than an upside down helicopter.
But the only way to keep the nose from flipping up was to point it down, and that was taking us on a direct route to through the jungle canopy.
My eyes were burning from all the smoke, and the world both within and without the helicopter was nothing but haziness, broken only by the occasional patch of clarity. Oh the horrible rending and screeching I heard when we hit the canopy. Everything was breaking, or so it seemed. The noise that filled my ears, nothing but a dull roar, the echoing of my own blood as it sped through my veins, quickened with adrenaline. The whole world shook. Oddly the only thing I could think about was being inside a snow dome.
Shaken shaken shaken, falling so fast.
I don't even really remember the impact. It just came so suddenly. There was all this noise and motion and then suddenly everything turned to chaos. Then it was dark and quiet. Oh so quiet. I think I blacked out. That's the only explanation I can give really.
When I lifted my head, my ears still ringing from the intensity of the cacophony and the endlessness of the silence, I could only wonder at the fact that I was still alive. My head felt like it had been split in two. A warm stinging filled my eyes, and my vision seemed coated with a filmy redness. Distantly I realized that there was blood running into my eyes, and I reached up tentatively to touch my forehead. As soon as I did painful, bright white light exploded in my head and I cried out, but the force of my voice only made if more painful.
When I moved I knew something wasn't right. Pain shot through my chest and I tried to figure out why. My mind just didn't want to work. It kept whispering to me to sleep but I knew I couldn't. So I sat there, and forced myself to stay awake until my mind began to clear. I hummed to myself softly, every once in a while wiping the blood away from my eyes. I wondered how long I had been bleeding... how much blood had I lost?
And then suddenly everything snapped into focus with such force it was almost more painful than the gash on my forehead.
The chopper had landed, tipped onto one side. The right side. I was suspended in my seat, held in place only by my seat belts. Touching my collarbone I realized that it was the source of the pain in my chest. It had snapped with the force of the impact as the belts restrained me. Turning my head I looked over where the right side of the cockpit was crumpled against the earth. Mitchell was a ragdoll mess. His limbs were bent at odd angles, blood covered that side of the cockpit and the very sight made me want to wretch. Still I thought I detected some small movement.
And then I remembered. Ran.
Holy shit, Ran! He had been in the hold with no restraints. My hands moved of their own accord, clawing at the fastening of my seat belt. My breath came in frantic whimpers as I slowly became more and more frantic. I couldn't get out! I couldn't get out, oh god!!
And then suddenly the belt was free, and there was nothing to hold me in. I semi tumbled out of my seat, pain slicing through my body as I was jarred against the edge of the co seat. And in my quest to steady myself my hand brushed against Mitchell's mangled body.
It croaked. It croaked and his face turned towards me, it was nothing more than a mass of blood and torn flesh. I remembered the sight of his blood dripping from between his fingers as he held his face in his hands. Oh my God... oh my god.
"Hidaka..." it burbled, the sound of his voice slick and sickening with blood. It grated and slid, but I couldn't tell where his mouth was. "Get me... please, out... out..."
I pulled away in terror and disgust. I was so afraid, and not a little ashamed of my actions. But never had I seen anything so terrifying. Even the sight of Omi as he slid apart in the arms of the men who carried him away had been more tolerable than this broken thing that had once been a man.
I screamed, pulling back and started to cry. "I... I can't. God, Mitchell.. I'm sorry, I can't. Ran!" I cried turning away and trying to scramble into the tipped hold. I had to get to him, I had to make sure he was ok. Stumbling and sobbing I hauled myself into the hold, ignoring the pain from my collar bone and splitting fire that spread through my brain. "Ran!" I cried again. Why didn't he answer me?
The hold too was tilted and I found myself sliding towards the right wall, my boots slick with what I supposed was probably Mitchell's blood. In my desperation to stop my slide I reached out to steady myself, blindly groping for the first thing I could find. When my hand wrapped around the cold, smooth metal shaft I started, turning my head as I realized what it was. The broken off shaft of the machine gun mount that was anchored into the floor.
I felt my breath hitch in fear, know that it could only mean one thing. The machine gun had snapped off at the impact. If Ran had been holding onto it to steady himself...
My eyes darted around, adjusting to the dim light that filtered in through the open doorway, searching the gloom for my lover. And I found him. My gut twisted and I heard myself cry out in despair.
In the crash he and the gun, as it broke off, had been slammed against the right wall of the hold. The amount of force adequate to break the mount had rammed him against the unforgiving steel of the hull, and then sent the gun after him, slamming it into his chest. I could see him there now, pinned beneath the weight of the massive gun, unmoving, a trickle of blood running from his lips down his perfect, white skin. The left arm of his jacket was also stained with blood and I realized than that he had been shot while we were still in the air.
"Ran!" I screamed letting go of the mount's shaft and half scrambled half tumbled to where he lay pressed against the far wall. Beneath my breath I chanted a little mantra.
Don't be wasted, Ran; oh God don't be wasted.
__________________________________________________________________
Afterthoughts: OK! Before you bitch me out and start threatening my person I would like you to know that Lilas already did it for you see:
"*stares*.... You BITCH!!!!! How DARE you stop there!!!!!!!!!! That is the WORST Cliffhanger EVER!!!! Holy SHIT! *gapes* I can't believe you stopped there. It almost makes me want to NOT give you this edit version just as a punishment!!! Besides, there weren't that many mistakes. Oh man. You evil evil person!!!! *pouts*"
Those are her endearing, heartfelt comments of joy! *huggles Lilas* I love you -too-! *giggles* So if you think that covers all the ranting you'd like to do, then be content. And if not well then go ahead and rant to your heart's content. But whether it is to rant or not I -strongly- encourage you to hit that magical little button labeled "Go". Yep the one next to the "leave a review" scroll down. C'mon, you know you wanna. And if you don't much smiting and PAIN will ensue!! You guys do want to know if Ran's wasted or not, riiiiight? *evil smile* Ja ne.
Oh, and a post, post comment. Fei and I are working on a collab, wheee!! I've never collabed with anyone before, but it's kinda fun. and kinda confusing. Anyway it's not up yet, but it will be soon, at least the first chapter. It's called "Ink", and will be under Fei's account. Well something to look forward to. OH MY GOD THE BLATANT SELF PROMOTION OVERWHELMS!!! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BEFORE MY EGO TAKES OVER!!! Ok, bye now.
Comments: You know... I always wonder if anybody actually reads my comments. I mean if they do I must really seem like some cracked out weirdo. _;; Oh well. Well here you go, the next installment of Sweet Hell. I dun know what you guys are expecting; there was much angstitude in the reviews. "Make a happy ending, Marty! Make a happy ending, Marty!" "Marty, stop being cryptic!" "Don't kill Ran!" Yeah yeah, you guys are silly. *evil laughter!!* How's that for cryptic? Well, I had a lot of fun writing this chapter because I could finally start writing plot again! It was nice. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. Although... I have a feeling that I'll end up being chewed out several times if the comments of my beta'er are anything to go by. *snickers* Again with the cryptic, ne? Enjoy. R&R please!!
Gah! My roommate has returned!! *runs and hides* Mmmm. cheez-its. (I almost wrote "Cheez-tits".. *snickers*)
_______________________________________________________________
I don't remember what time it was when we woke up the next morning. I do remember being very reluctant to get up, due more to the fact that no matter which way I turned something jarred or twinged than the fact that I wanted to stay in Ran's arms. Of course there was that too, but... it was really the not moving part that I was most concerned with. But eventually we both managed to pull ourselves apart and get moving. With thoughtful touches and good humored encouragement we coaxed each other out of bed and did the best we could to clean each other's bodies with the water provided by the door. We used Ran's shirt to wipe away the remnants of our love making.
For some reason after that night of endless, unhindered passion we were both strangely tentative and awkwardly bashful. I felt his skin shiver under my fingers as I touched his body and felt my own cheeks flush as his gentle hands moved over mine slowly. Our eyes met again and again, lingering for a moment before hastily turning away, frightened by implications of what we found in each other. Teasing, playful words were murmured back and forth in the stillness of that morning, and sweet whispers were uttered into burning ears. The intimacy of that moment was startlingly different from that of the night before, but no less potent.
It took quite a bit of willpower on both of our parts not to simply fall back on the bed and make love again. Not that either of us were particularly in any shape to do so.
My lips were so bruised that even the gentlest of kisses from him made me wince. Even so I tilted my face up to meet his again and again as we slowly dressed ourselves. Like I said before, I could never get enough.
Finally we were clothed. Ran left his under shirt, too filthy to even consider salvaging, in the jumble of equally dirty sheets on the bed. As he buttoned up his shirt I couldn't help but meditate on how flawless his exposed collar bone was. Tracing my finger along the hard ridge I pulled him against the wall, grinning foolishly.
"Kiss me again. One more time before we go," I murmured.
He smiled and shook his head, bending down, taking my lips with his, covering them and kissing me so long and so deep that even the pain was forgotten with the rushing in my ears.
After that kiss I followed him out the door, leaving the room that had been our own private heaven, and walked stiffly down the stairs. Ran left another twenty on the bar as we passed and then wordlessly exited Willy Ng's. Leaving it I had a strange feeling, and glancing over my shoulder I realized that in all of Nam this place would be the one that meant the most to me. Here I had experienced my greatest sorrow and my greatest joy. This was the place I had lost Omi and the place where I shared myself with the man I loved. I will always have mixed feelings about Willy Ng's: American Style Bar.
We didn't talk as we made our way down the muddy streets, past villagers on bicycles wearing broad straw hats, past the open market, and finally out of the village itself, heading back towards the school room. It felt good to be walking around. My body felt strange and cramped, not surprising considering the abuse I'd put it through the night before. I watched Ran as he lit a cigarette, snapping his lighter open and then closed with the flick of his wrist. He smoked, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. I wondered what he was thinking about, but didn't really feel like asking. Besides, I already had a pretty good idea. He was thinking the same things I was.
After Ran radioed Pang Nuan and gave them some half-assed, crap excuse about waiting at the wrong pick up spot we waited around in the chilly, cement-floored room for ten o'clock to roll around. That was when the next transport was coming into the village. We were to wait at the school house, no ifs, ands or buts. So we waited.
I'm not sure if we talked at all, I don't really remember. I think we were both lost in our memories of the night before and our trepidation of the night to come.
At some point the rain began to pour again. Sheets fell against the side of the tiny box room in which Ran and I sat, hugging ourselves against the dampness in the air. By the time we heard the blast of the Jeep horn I had silently watched Ran smoke a third of his pack of cigarettes. I knew that shit wasn't good for him, but I also knew I was in no position to preach about what was or wasn't good for anybody. Slipping my hand into my pocket I could feel the cool, smooth cylinder of pills under my fingers. Thinking about it then I thought it strange that Ran hadn't discovered them. But then again neither of us was paying any attention to things like that by the time we were undressing each other.
I had been startled when I felt his hands fall onto my shoulders. Jumping slightly I looked up to meet his eyes and found a blankness there I hadn't seen for a very long time. For some reason it was as if he was already beginning to block himself off, to steel himself against the possible. I didn't like that. He seemed distant and unobtainable, so different from how he had been that morning. My heart clenched tightly.
"Ran?" I asked softly, trying to see beyond the haziness in his indigo eyes.
"Shhh," he hissed quietly and then kissed me full on the lips, a long, lingering kiss. His lips felt cold and for the first time I could taste more smoke than sweetness.
Then he took my hand and pulled me up from the desk where I had been perched. After that he let go and walked across the cement floor, his boots scuffing on the dirty surface, and out into the rain.
I stood for a few moments and looked at his receding back. I waited until he was already halfway up the hill and then I followed. I felt sick to my stomach. He had placed a seed of pain and worry deep within me, and I couldn't shake it. It wasn't that he wanted to be cold. I knew that he wasn't trying to push me away or hold me at bay; it was just that Ran knew only too well that this next mission might be the end. He was preparing himself, putting up the walls as a precaution. But I knew that no matter how many walls either of us put up now, it wasn't going to make any difference if something happened to one of us on this mission. In the end the result would be the same. It just didn't matter.
The ride back to base was made in silence. The driver didn't even seem to notice that Ran had lost his undershirt somewhere along the way. When we reached base Kudou was waiting beneath the eaves of the transport garage. He looked pissed.
"You two, come with me," he said in a voice that was deceptively calm. "Thanks for going to get them, Fraser."
"No problem, sir."
Neither Ran nor I said anything as the three of us hustled through the rain towards the officer's quarters. Kudou was slamming doors open and shut by the time we got there, and I was totally unprepared for what was to come. As soon as we entered his office he whirled on us, water spraying from the ends of his hair. We were all soaking wet.
"What the fuck do you think you were doing?!" he screamed.
"We missed the transport, sir," Ran said calmly.
"I already fucking know that, Fujimiya! And don't think your little excuse has me fooled for one second. I know you, Ran, and this is unacceptable! I have covered your ass enough times, I have looked the other way in good faith, but this is too fucking much! If you want to screw your little boyfriends you do it on your own time, ass-hole!"
Ran stood there, unblinking, staring into space. I didn't know what to do, so I did the same, only I stared at the ground.
"You have a mission in less than forty-eight hours! That's right, while you two were out playing house the mission was bumped up a day, you're going out tomorrow at dusk. And you two pull a stunt like this. I can't fucking believe it! I can not believe it, Ran. I mean... shit just look at you! Where the hell is your shirt?! I can be in a lot of shit for this! I can be court marshaled, you idiot, it isn't just your two asses on the line here, pardon the pun!"
"Youji it isn't that big of a deal. No harm done," Ran said calmly, quietly.
"Shut the fuck up, Fujimiya. Did I say you could talk yet? No!" Here the Lieutenant paused, pacing agitatedly before us, biting his thumbnail, shaking his head. "I can't do this, Ran. I can't cover up your dirty laundry anymore. Last time I could turn my head the other way, because neither you nor your ass-hole lover were my problem. You weren't serving under me then, so I could let it slide. But this is different. I am -responsible- for the actions and behavior of -both- of you! If you had wanted to take a leave day and go off and do your dirty deeds in silence that would have been one thing. But to take off while on duty and take -my- time and screw each other with it is absolutely unacceptable. I am your commanding officer and I can't just pretend that this isn't happening!"
With that he fell silent again and glared at both of us, his eyes burning as he seethed for a few moments. Then he walked behind his desk and rummaged around in his drawer until he found a cigarette and lit it. I raised my eyes to watch him take one long drag, hold it in, and then slowly sit back into his chair as he exhaled.
"I don't need this," he said as if talking to himself. "I don't. I have enough problems. First the whole scene with you two and Schu and Farf, and then that Gook kid, and then the bombing, and Swanny, and then Crawford, and now this! Are you trying to flaunt it in my face?! Could you be anymore obnoxious about it, Ran? Could you?! I mean... it isn't that I don't understand... ok, well maybe I don't -exactly- understand, but I can at least relate in some way. I don't know how I can just overlook this."
Ran crossed his arms and glared at Kudou. "Just do. Fuck, Kudou, it's never going to happen again, and it's not as if anyone else even has the tiniest inkling."
Kudou looked up, blowing smoke at Ran. "You know that's not true, -private- . You know as well as I do that your friend and mine, Mr. Max Wolff, and his crony have a pretty good idea about what's going on. In fact... I think Schuldich actually -knows- about you and Yuushi. So don't give me that 'ignorance is bliss' crap. And you," he snapped, turning his eyes on me, "what do you have to say for yourself?"
I was startled by Kudou's sudden address. I looked at him and caught my breath, pausing as I thought of something to say. My lips moved around a few words and then I finally spoke. "I won't make any excuses, sir. I don't regret what we've done. This mission may be fatal-," here Kudou cut me off, looking like he might turn green.
"Oh Jesus, shut up! You're going to make me ill," he mumbled and then looked down at his desk. After a moment he grumbled in frustration and ran his hands through his water-darkened hair. "Look... I don't care what the fuck you two do when you get out of here. Go back to the States and be happy homos for the rest of your lives -I don't give a fuck-. But as long as you are here, serving under me, I do not want to hear it, see it, smell it, or be reminded of it in any way, shape or form ever again. Do you understand me? Because if I do I will have your asses shipped home so fast it will make your heads spin! I'm serious. Never again!"
"Yes, sir," Ran and I answered in dull tandem.
"Good. Now get the fuck out of my office and prepare for the mission before I change my mind and have you both court marshaled."
Ran's hands were balled into fists as we walked across the base towards the barracks. No one even gave us a second glance much to my relief. After that encounter with Kudou I found myself shaken and worried, my breath coming shorter than I would have liked. Inside my pocket my hand curled around the smooth surface of a glass bottle.
"I'm going to the head," I said lamely, peeling off from Ran, not waiting for a response.
I shut the door behind me and found myself practically gasping for breath. It felt like everything was watching me as if everything had eyes. Groping my way to one of the sinks I wrestled rather frantically with the lid of my medication bottle, pouring pills indiscriminately out into my hand and then downing at least four. Cupping my hand beneath the running tap I chased the pills with rusty, unclean water and then splashed it over my face, spluttering, hoping the coldness would clear my head.
I could feel the drugs beginning to settle in my bloodstream, slowing my breath, calming my pulse. My eyes fluttered shut and I let myself lean back against the wall, sinking to the floor between the sinks, my head resting against the wall.
I didn't hear the door open. I didn't hear boots scuffing across the cement floor. I didn't hear anything until I heard that voice. "Rough night, Hidaka?" There was an undeniable smirk in that voice, a sneer, and it made my stomach turn.
Opening my eyes I looked dazedly upwards and locked with a pair of steel blue eyes. "Fuck off, Max," I hissed.
He chuckled, tossing his orange hair cockily. "You'd probably enjoy that wouldn't you? Sorry, Kenken, I don't play for your team."
I just glared at him, hoping all my hate was reaching him in that stare. "Bastard."
At this he snickered. "Now why are you getting all nasty with me? I'm only having a bit of fun, Hidaka. No worries, my friend. Now here," he said, extending his hand towards me, "get up off that disgusting floor and come back to the barracks with me."
I looked at his hand warily and then back up at his face, questioning his motives. "Just take my hand, wanker."
Unable to think of any good reason not to, and unwilling to remain on the cold floor any longer I did so. He hauled me to my feet and we stood there staring at each other for a few moments. I couldn't decipher the smirk on his lips or the light in his eyes. It was unsettling, but I didn't know why.
"You've known all along, haven't you?" I asked flatly.
"Yeah, about Fujimiya anyway. But that's only because I used to fly with him and Honjyou," he said, grinning wolfishly.
I stared at Schuldich blankly for a moment, trying to get my mind to focus, but the pills were doing their job a little too well. "Hon... Honjyou?"
Max arched a thin eyebrow and gave me a skeptical look. For some reason there seemed to be the slightest bit of concern, but I couldn't think why there would be. "Don't tell me that he hasn't told you about Yuushi Honjyou."
"Oh, Yuushi, no I've always known about him. I guess I just never knew his last name," I answered quietly.
Schu grinned and ruffled my hair. "That's good. I'd hate to think that Ran was keeping things from you." He let the comment hang in the air. "I really liked that guy. He was a trouble maker just like me. One night he and I got drunk off our asses, and he told me -all- about his 'relationship' with our good friend Ran Fujimiya. It's a damn shame he went section eight at the end. You should have seen that chopper plow into the earth."
I could do nothing but stare at him blankly. How could he talk so emptily about the death of a man he thought of as a friend?
"So, yeah, to answer your question I've got you and Ran all figure out. But no worries, Hidaka, I like you so," at this he leaned closer until his lips were barely millimeters from my ear, I could feel his hot breath on my skin and I didn't like it, "my lips are sealed."
He snickered again as he pulled away, giving me a wink as he turned, flipped his hair once more and then made a beeline for the door. Not knowing how I should react or whether or not I should believe him I simply followed him out.
When we got back to the barracks Schuldich held the door open for me for no apparent reason. At least he didn't ruffle my hair. Ran was standing at the end of the bunk with his toiletries pouch. I could see Farf grinning at him from the end of his bunk, he and Ran seemed to be having a staring contest.
"Taking a shower, Fujimiya? You probably need one. You and Hidaka here both, huh?" Schuldich called past my shoulder. I saw Ran's lip curl just slightly.
"It is a messy business, that," Jei intoned deviously and then chuckled in that eerily husky voice of his. "Don't you agree, Nippies?"
"Oh, we're being collectivized now?" I snapped as I got to my bunk.
Farf shifted his odd yellow eyes to me and grinned a bit more broadly. "And why not? You seem to be sharing everything else."
I wasn't going to play their little game or be baited so I just grit my teeth and turned away. Ran, thankfully, did the same. Strange, I remembered then how he had clocked Farfarello on the very first day I'd been in Pang Nuan. I wondered if he'd really changed all that much, or if things just weren't that simple anymore.
"I'm going to take a shower," Ran grated, turning away and heading down the isle. "I suggest you do the same," he called back to me.
At this Schuldich nodded and came to lean near me against the bunk. "I think that's a good idea. But not at the same time."
"Yeah, might make things awkward for the other would be bathers," Farf piped up.
I glared hard at each of them in turn and then went to lie on my bed. "I'll keep that in mind."
Eventually I did go to take a shower. It felt better than any shower I'd ever taken. I stood under the hot water and just let it pour over me, washing away all the dirt and grime and whatever else clung to my skin. It soothed my weariness and calmed my frayed nerves, wave after wave of liquid warmth caressing my skin.
I didn't see Ran for the rest of the day. I don't know where he went, but wherever he was it wasn't with me. I slept the rest of the day away, bothering only to get up to attend evening mess. I didn't see Ran there either. I was already in my bunk waiting for lockdown, when I heard him come down the isle and quickly undress before swinging into the bunk above me. I lay there in the darkness hoping he would come to me, that he would hold me if only for a few minutes.
It was well into the early morning when he did finally swing down. I had already succumbed to sleep, a painful bitterness filling my heart as I drifted off without the comfort of his arms or even a softly spoke word of endearment. So when he woke me, gently touching my shoulder and shaking me I almost cried out in alarm. But my rising breath was stilled as I felt his soft, cool fingers fall over my lips. I could barely make him out as I lay there on my back, searching for his face in the darkness. No words were spoken as I felt his lips tentatively descend upon mine and linger briefly before pulling away again. And then he was gone, swung back up into his own bunk.
The next day seemed to drag on forever. Those of us flying the mission, Jei, Max, Ran, myself and the two co's who had been assigned the day Ran and I spent in Sang Cho-na, Mitchell and Brick, weren't required to attend the regular scheduled training. I guess they thought we could better pass the day in 'mental preparation' or something. Once again all day long Ran was distant and aloof, keeping to himself, reading quietly in his bunk or out of my sight completely.
As the day wore on I found myself growing more and more anxious. Within my heart there grew an increasingly urgent longing to see Ran. Just once more I wanted to talk to him, to hear his words of comfort and affection before we had to become nothing more than a pilot and gunner and fly off into what might be our deaths. But by the time I made up my mind to talk to him despite his obvious avoidance of me, he was no longer in his bunk. In fact he was nowhere.
It seemed fitting somehow that I walked all over the base looking for him. It gave me time to look the place over and conjure my memories. I stopped in the infirmary to pass a few words with the on duty nurses. It wasn't Manx and Ms. Birman, but it really didn't matter that much. They let go back into the recovery room and I stood for a few minutes at the end of the bed where Omi had once lain. My mind filled with the remembrance of our talks there, it was strange. so strange.
"Hey, kid," I murmured under my breath. "I miss you, you know that? But everything is different now, I wonder what you'd think. Heh. Anyway, wish me luck, ok?" I let my hand tighten around the steel post at the foot of the bed and then wandered back out into the daylight.
Eventually I found myself skirting the outside of the wreck building, heading out onto the training field. It was empty in the early afternoon; the soldiers were all engaged in other, more entertaining undertakings.
I didn't realize where I was heading at first until I realized that I'd come out on the far end of the field, just behind the pile of discarded beams on which I had sat and talked with Youji Kudou my very first evening in Pang Nuan. I don't know why, but somehow it didn't surprise me that I came upon him again.
He was sitting, facing out over the field. From the little trail of thin, silvery smoke drifting up over his head I knew he was smoking. I paused and then began to turn to leave, not wanting to face Kudou, not knowing what either he or I would say to each other. His anger from the previous day was still fresh in my mind. His voice stopped me.
"Oi, Hidaka. Don't skulk around, come join me for a smoke," he called softly.
Turning back I answered, "I don't smoke, sir."
He had chuckled and bobbed his head. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Good for you, this shit will kill you. Heh. Well then, sit with me while I smoke. I want to talk to you anyway."
I wasn't sure if I should feel apprehensive or relieved. I had thought of Kudou as a friend for a long time, and I didn't want to leave things with him the way they were. Yet I feared that there would only be more reproach. Regardless I walked over to the pile of beams and hoisted myself up beside him. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and then took a long drag, holding the smoke in his lungs before exhaling in a soft rush.
"You know, Hidaka, I really like you. I've liked you since the first day you got here," he said absently. "I don't want you to think that that's changed because of what I said yesterday. What you do with your own time is your business, private. But what you do with my time is my business, do you know what I mean?"
I'd nodded and said nothing. I was beginning to resent being scolded like a child.
Youji waved his hand in the air, his cigarette leaving a smoke trail. "You know, it isn't that I really feel like I have any right to talk, but I just want you to hear me out on this. What you and Ran are getting yourselves involved in is just going to be trouble to everyone. To you and to him especially. There are enough opportunities for you to get screwed over here, and bringing something like that into the equation is setting yourself up for a whole lot of heartache and trouble. I know. I was there when Yuushi died, I saw what happened to Ran, and everyday I kicked myself for not doing something about it, for not putting an end to things when I could have. I'm saying this for your own good. From now on don't fuck around with Ran Fujimiya. Just let him go. Let him go, let him off easy before losing you the hard way destroys him. Tell him you don't feel for him, or that this isn't what you want, make it easy for him to lose you if he has to. If you both survive and when the war is over you two want to play house for the rest of your lives, fine, whatever. But here, now, just let it go. Just forget about it, Ken. It's for the best."
I was silent for a few moments and then turned to look at him. "How can I forget about it, sir? How can I live with him and lie to him. You told me that if I ever fell in love that I shouldn't do anything to fuck it up, because if I did then I would be fucking up everything in my life for eternity. Well I've found love, sir, and I won't fuck it up by lying to Ran now."
The Lieutenant gave me a long look, his green eyes searching mine until he grew weary of searching. Then he shook his head and chuckled. "You always listen to the ramblings of drunken, love-sick fools?"
"When I know they're right, yes."
At this he snorted and took another drag. "Alright, Hidaka. Suit yourself. I can't stop you from doing what you feel is right, but I stand by what I said earlier. If I even get the tinniest inkling of this again I will have you discharged and court marshaled."
"I understand that, sir."
Sighing he reached over and ruffled my hair. "Good. Now go get some rest, you've got a lot of flying to do tonight."
I slept away the late afternoon, trying to store up what little energy I could for the mission.
As dusk began to fall I was awoken by rough shaking.
"C'mon, Hidaka, let's go. We're supposed to meet at hangar four right about now," I blurrily heard Schuldich say as he shook me awake.
"Ok, ok," I snapped, batting at his hand. Farf was leaning against the end of the bunk, looking at me with a smirk on his face. Ran was still nowhere to be seen. Grabbing my jacket I followed Schu and Farf out of the barracks and across the base.
"I imagine the others are waiting at the hangar already," Schu said blandly, looking at me over his shoulder. I raised my tired, empty eyes to meet his and he grinned at me and winked one blue eye. "Don't look so down, Hidaka. This is going to be fun."
I gave a little smile and then went back to staring at the ground. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I wasn't really afraid anymore, it was as if I had accepted whatever might happen. There was a kind certainty within my soul that something was going to happen, and I found that I could do nothing but accept it and get on with things.
Sure enough Ran, Mitchell, and Brick were waiting for us in the hangar. Ran didn't even make eye contact with me. He was leaning against the side of one of the Iroquois, his arms crossed across his chest, a cigarette hanging between his lips, a thin trail of smoke lazily streaming into the sky. Kudou and Botan were also there, standing close together, talking about whatever it is commanding officers talk about.
As soon as we were all assembled, Kudou and Botan made their way over to us and gave us another quick briefing. Our birds were already loaded and waiting for us on the landing field. All we had to do was suit up and get going. We were given the coordinates of the unit we were taking supplies to and sent off with salutes and handshakes. All in all it felt pretty grim. That mission lacked all the adrenaline and excitement of all my other outs. There were no men running to and fro, no shouts or jokes being passed, no nurses hovering at the edge of the field waiting to see us off, and take care of us when we got back. It was just us and the officers. Just us, our choppers, and the coming darkness.
As I watched Mitchell settle into the seat next to me, adjusting his headgear and popping his neck, I heard Kudou call out to us. "I want you boys all back in one piece, you hear me? Don't do anything stupid, just get in and get out!"
None of us answered, there really wasn't any point. I glanced over my shoulder and caught Ran's eye. He was hunkered down at the edge of the hold door, one leg sticking out over the side as he hugged the gun. I gave him a weak smile, and to my joy he gave me one in return. But then as we were given the go signal, I tore my eyes away and started the blades to whirling.
I still remember how the base looked as we raised up over it that night. Everything was quiet and dark. Off on the horizon the very last slivers of the sun could be seen as it set over the jungle. Brilliant pink streaks shot across the sky, and the light dazzled on the waters of the Mekong where it could be seen off in the distance. Never had I seen the jungle look so beautiful. The air was still and the rain had stopped. It seemed as if everything shone in the waning light, and as I followed Schuldich's lead out of the base I knew that the stinging in my eyes was not caused by the brightness of the setting sun.
We flew on, following the river inland, as the skies grew darker. I had never really flown at night before, and I'll tell you right now it was terrifying. We had to maintain almost complete radio silence the farther inland we flew. I relied on my ears to tell me where Schuldich's chopper was. We had to fly pretty low, keeping above the river which at least reflected the moon's light. At least it did until the skies clouded over again and then the rain began to fall. Then we had to fly so slowly it was almost painful. We crept along the top of the canopy and skimmed the water of the river, tying to keep our bearings as the rain obscured the windshield and was blown into the hold by the wind. The little tizzy fit of a storm managed to slow us down so much that we didn't leave the river until two hour after we'd planned. We were in danger of it being light again by turnaround.
Amazingly enough we made it over the last stretch of occupied VC jungle without incident. I noted that Ran was looking a little bored as we pulled up higher so as to stay as far out of range as we could of any would-be Vietnamese heroes. When we reached the approximate coordinates tentative lights began to flash in signal below the canopy. We knew it was safe to turn on the search lights. Sudden, bright white light flooded down from the nose of our two choppers, illuminating the jungle so much that it hurt my eyes. A large clearing had been made in the dense foliage and we could see men waving their arms at us from there.
I gave the sky one last glance off to the East as we began to descend into the jungle. I felt my stomach sink as I detected the tell tale lightening of the sky. We weren't going to be afforded the protection of darkness on the way back home.
As we touched down, the wind from the chopper blades whipping through the trees and blowing up a small amount of dust from the trampled jungle floor, men rushed forward to greet us. Cheers and hands were extended as the men crowded around. I crawled out of the cockpit, exchanging a nervous glance with Mitchell and went to stand by Fujimiya in the hold.
They were wretched. Utterly wretched. The men who cheered for us had good reason to do so. Gaunt, skinny arms reached out of loose fitting, tattered fatigues. Not a single one of them was clean or well shaven. Dark circles ringed their eyes, and there was a certain manic, desperation hidden beneath the surface of every single one of them. You always heard about the men who went AWOL despite all the dangers involved and the possible ramifications of being caught, and you had to wonder why. But looking at these men I understood perfectly.
Over the next half an hour we helped the members of that rag tag unit of Green Berets unload both choppers and get the supply crates neatly stacked. Mosquitoes buzzed and whined around my head, I felt as if they might drive me to insanity. I imagined that these men lived like this all the time, day in and day out. There was no leave time, no dry barracks, no hope it seemed.
Strangely I found my thoughts drifting to Omi for the first time in weeks. I remembered that day, my first out when we had been over run by his battered platoon. I could still remember how helpless and lost I had felt as they swarmed into the chopper hold, hauling each other up, their wretched, ragged forms scrambling for safety. Had they lived like this in the jungle? Day to day living in dirty tents, eaten alive by insects, and in constant fear and anticipation of enemy attack? Of course they had. Before we had rescued him this had been Omi's life. Only in my mind it seemed infinitely worse for him, dragging himself in and out of those tiny tunnels, lost in the endless, winding dark. I shuddered at the thought and looked around again at the strained, weary faces of the soldiers. How I wanted to take them all away from that place. I wanted to take them all back to base and to end their miserable existence in that rotting hellhole.
When everything was unloaded we were formally greeted by the commander of the platoon. He was an older, hardened soldier and his handshake was firm and warm.
"We can't even begin to tell you boys how much we appreciate this," he said, grunting. "Why don't you let me get you a cup of coffee or something, you've got a long flight back to base. Come and sit in my tent for a minute."
"We'd love to, sir," I said, casting my eyes to the sky, "but the sun is already practically up. If we don't get going we won't have any darkness to fly in."
The man shrugged and chuckled. "What difference does it make? Whether you leave now or in half an hour it's still going to be light. Might was well enjoy a cup of joe.. God knows it may be your last."
The six of us exchanged glances and it was silently understood that he was right. We accepted his offer and followed him to his tent. It was really nothing more than a large tarp stretched between trees. A high table was set in the middle, piles of damp, molding papers and maps were strew about the surface, pencils and a compass completing the image. The officer lit a small oil stove and started to boil a pot full of what was probably collected rain water. Within five minutes we had our coffee, brewed through a crude filter and strong enough to down an elephant, but we were happy for it.
Not a whole lot was said as we stood quietly beneath the tarp. The officer would occasionally make a comment about how things were going, or ask about life on the base. All in all we felt pretty dismal. I don't even remember his name now. We left our coffee cups sitting atop and mildewing papers when we were done and headed back to the choppers. A few of the platoon's soldiers were leaning against the big machines talking. They had been waiting to thank us personally, giving us slaps on the back and good- humored comments.
It's all such a blur in my mind now. I don't remember any specific faces, just the sense of desperation that hung in the air.
The blades whirled and within minutes we were lifting back out of the jungle. This time I caught the sunrise. Off to the east the sun crept from beneath the lip of the horizon, and even though I knew it portended badly for us, I could not help but be moved by the beauty once again. The pale, yellow and pink light spread slowly through the sky, staining the clouds with colors of weak fire.
We flew high over the canopy, one chopper flying a few thousand feet higher than the other. This way there was always one chopper which would draw the fire and another that could hopefully escape if we fell under fire. We switched back and forth, and I could tell that Ran was getting tense as his eyes skimmed the trees below for danger.
I didn't like the way he was hanging out of the hold, and I was about to tell him so when I heard the first distant crack and the first dull, metallic twanging sound that told me we'd been hit.
"Shit!" Ran cried, pulling himself back into the hold. "I can't see them," he growled, crouching behind the gun. He rattled off several rounds into the dense, foliage, but he was just shooting in the dark.
We were flying low, drawing the first away from Schu and Farf. I opened the radio channel to them, "Schu do you copy?"
"Copy, Hidaka. What's your status? Was that a shot?"
"Roger, we've been hit, but..." Just then my speech of reassurance was cut short. I could hear a trail of shots go off in rapid succession, dull twanging thuds cutting along the bottom of the hull. I heard Ran cry out in alarm and it was all I could do to keep myself from letting go of the stick and running to him.
"Fuck, Ken!" he yelled, "Pull up!"
"I can't! If I do the fire will be drawn to both choppers!" I screamed back. "What the fuck are you doing? Cover us!"
"I'm trying," he grated, shooting more rounds off into the endless expanse, "but they're all in fucking blinds or something! They must have been expecting our return since last night, they must have heard us go over!"
"Shit!" I hissed, checking the instruments for any signs of damage, so far everything seemed to be ok. Pulling hard on the stick I began to swerve through the sky, hoping that the erratic movement would throw off the VC gunners below us. Mitchell had his face pressed against the side window, attempting to scan the jungle.
"Hidaka?! Are you guys ok?" It was Schuldich crackling over the radio.
"Yes, just keep flying!" I shouted back and then cut the radio. I didn't need Schuldich distracting me. My heart was racing. All I could hear was the sound as it thudded in my chest, keeping a strange cadence with the whacking of the blades. Rounds kept going off and I could no longer tell if they were coming from us or from the jungle.
Again and again I heard the tell tale pinging of metal and I knew we were being struck. It was only a matter of time before the Vietcong got lucky and hit a fuel tank or one of the rotors. If that happened it was going to be bad ju-ju all over.
I heard Ran swear again and then another echoing series of rapid fire shots go off somewhere in the jungle. A spray of bullets penetrated the right side of the cockpit, shattering the window Mitchell was peering through. Glass sprayed through the cockpit, breaking inward in a roar of angry sound. I jerked, dodging imaginary bullets in my mind. Mitchell screamed, reeling back from the window, clutching his face. A smatter of blood had landed across the instruments, deep red shining in the growing light. Mitchell moaned and hunched over in his seat. As I hazarded a glance at him my stomach turned as I saw blood seeping between his fingers, drops collecting and falling to the cockpit floor.
My hands began to shake and lock on the controls. I didn't want this to be happening. We started to loose altitude, the nose sagging towards the earth. I couldn't stop staring at Mitchell. I couldn't stop hearing his cries and moans even though my ears were already full of gunfire and roaring.
"Ken?! What the fuck are you doing?! We're dropping!" Ran screamed at me from the hold. "Pull us up, god damn it!"
My head turned slightly towards him, but my eyes stayed fixed on Mitchell. Nothing was processing. "Ran I..."
"Shut up and fly!" he screamed. "God damn it, Ken, do not freeze on me! Do -not- pull a Yuushi, you bastard!"
I'm not sure if it was his words or the violent jolt that rocked the Bell that brought me out of my daze. A shell had exploded next to us, and by the smoke that suddenly started to fill the hold and the rapidly falling fuel gauge, it was obvious that the shrapnel had punctured one of the fuel tanks. My heart raced as we lurched and rolled, wallowing in the sky like a fat boat. I hauled at the stick, pulling back using as much willpower as anything else to make that bird fly higher.
But it didn't work, we just kept dipping, there wasn't enough power left to get her to go higher. And just then as the river came in sight again two more shells went off, one ripping through the tail of the chopper, tearing off the rear rotor and other exploding just off her nose. Already near blind from the fuel tank's smoke, choking and spluttering I once again took to the stick, trying with all my might to regain some amount of control. It was useless. The tail was falling rapidly, dragging the nose up and I knew then that we were in serious danger of flipping over. There is nothing more horrible than an upside down helicopter.
But the only way to keep the nose from flipping up was to point it down, and that was taking us on a direct route to through the jungle canopy.
My eyes were burning from all the smoke, and the world both within and without the helicopter was nothing but haziness, broken only by the occasional patch of clarity. Oh the horrible rending and screeching I heard when we hit the canopy. Everything was breaking, or so it seemed. The noise that filled my ears, nothing but a dull roar, the echoing of my own blood as it sped through my veins, quickened with adrenaline. The whole world shook. Oddly the only thing I could think about was being inside a snow dome.
Shaken shaken shaken, falling so fast.
I don't even really remember the impact. It just came so suddenly. There was all this noise and motion and then suddenly everything turned to chaos. Then it was dark and quiet. Oh so quiet. I think I blacked out. That's the only explanation I can give really.
When I lifted my head, my ears still ringing from the intensity of the cacophony and the endlessness of the silence, I could only wonder at the fact that I was still alive. My head felt like it had been split in two. A warm stinging filled my eyes, and my vision seemed coated with a filmy redness. Distantly I realized that there was blood running into my eyes, and I reached up tentatively to touch my forehead. As soon as I did painful, bright white light exploded in my head and I cried out, but the force of my voice only made if more painful.
When I moved I knew something wasn't right. Pain shot through my chest and I tried to figure out why. My mind just didn't want to work. It kept whispering to me to sleep but I knew I couldn't. So I sat there, and forced myself to stay awake until my mind began to clear. I hummed to myself softly, every once in a while wiping the blood away from my eyes. I wondered how long I had been bleeding... how much blood had I lost?
And then suddenly everything snapped into focus with such force it was almost more painful than the gash on my forehead.
The chopper had landed, tipped onto one side. The right side. I was suspended in my seat, held in place only by my seat belts. Touching my collarbone I realized that it was the source of the pain in my chest. It had snapped with the force of the impact as the belts restrained me. Turning my head I looked over where the right side of the cockpit was crumpled against the earth. Mitchell was a ragdoll mess. His limbs were bent at odd angles, blood covered that side of the cockpit and the very sight made me want to wretch. Still I thought I detected some small movement.
And then I remembered. Ran.
Holy shit, Ran! He had been in the hold with no restraints. My hands moved of their own accord, clawing at the fastening of my seat belt. My breath came in frantic whimpers as I slowly became more and more frantic. I couldn't get out! I couldn't get out, oh god!!
And then suddenly the belt was free, and there was nothing to hold me in. I semi tumbled out of my seat, pain slicing through my body as I was jarred against the edge of the co seat. And in my quest to steady myself my hand brushed against Mitchell's mangled body.
It croaked. It croaked and his face turned towards me, it was nothing more than a mass of blood and torn flesh. I remembered the sight of his blood dripping from between his fingers as he held his face in his hands. Oh my God... oh my god.
"Hidaka..." it burbled, the sound of his voice slick and sickening with blood. It grated and slid, but I couldn't tell where his mouth was. "Get me... please, out... out..."
I pulled away in terror and disgust. I was so afraid, and not a little ashamed of my actions. But never had I seen anything so terrifying. Even the sight of Omi as he slid apart in the arms of the men who carried him away had been more tolerable than this broken thing that had once been a man.
I screamed, pulling back and started to cry. "I... I can't. God, Mitchell.. I'm sorry, I can't. Ran!" I cried turning away and trying to scramble into the tipped hold. I had to get to him, I had to make sure he was ok. Stumbling and sobbing I hauled myself into the hold, ignoring the pain from my collar bone and splitting fire that spread through my brain. "Ran!" I cried again. Why didn't he answer me?
The hold too was tilted and I found myself sliding towards the right wall, my boots slick with what I supposed was probably Mitchell's blood. In my desperation to stop my slide I reached out to steady myself, blindly groping for the first thing I could find. When my hand wrapped around the cold, smooth metal shaft I started, turning my head as I realized what it was. The broken off shaft of the machine gun mount that was anchored into the floor.
I felt my breath hitch in fear, know that it could only mean one thing. The machine gun had snapped off at the impact. If Ran had been holding onto it to steady himself...
My eyes darted around, adjusting to the dim light that filtered in through the open doorway, searching the gloom for my lover. And I found him. My gut twisted and I heard myself cry out in despair.
In the crash he and the gun, as it broke off, had been slammed against the right wall of the hold. The amount of force adequate to break the mount had rammed him against the unforgiving steel of the hull, and then sent the gun after him, slamming it into his chest. I could see him there now, pinned beneath the weight of the massive gun, unmoving, a trickle of blood running from his lips down his perfect, white skin. The left arm of his jacket was also stained with blood and I realized than that he had been shot while we were still in the air.
"Ran!" I screamed letting go of the mount's shaft and half scrambled half tumbled to where he lay pressed against the far wall. Beneath my breath I chanted a little mantra.
Don't be wasted, Ran; oh God don't be wasted.
__________________________________________________________________
Afterthoughts: OK! Before you bitch me out and start threatening my person I would like you to know that Lilas already did it for you see:
"*stares*.... You BITCH!!!!! How DARE you stop there!!!!!!!!!! That is the WORST Cliffhanger EVER!!!! Holy SHIT! *gapes* I can't believe you stopped there. It almost makes me want to NOT give you this edit version just as a punishment!!! Besides, there weren't that many mistakes. Oh man. You evil evil person!!!! *pouts*"
Those are her endearing, heartfelt comments of joy! *huggles Lilas* I love you -too-! *giggles* So if you think that covers all the ranting you'd like to do, then be content. And if not well then go ahead and rant to your heart's content. But whether it is to rant or not I -strongly- encourage you to hit that magical little button labeled "Go". Yep the one next to the "leave a review" scroll down. C'mon, you know you wanna. And if you don't much smiting and PAIN will ensue!! You guys do want to know if Ran's wasted or not, riiiiight? *evil smile* Ja ne.
Oh, and a post, post comment. Fei and I are working on a collab, wheee!! I've never collabed with anyone before, but it's kinda fun. and kinda confusing. Anyway it's not up yet, but it will be soon, at least the first chapter. It's called "Ink", and will be under Fei's account. Well something to look forward to. OH MY GOD THE BLATANT SELF PROMOTION OVERWHELMS!!! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN, BEFORE MY EGO TAKES OVER!!! Ok, bye now.