~A Once and Again Series~
Where Do We Go From Here?
Chapter 4//All I'll Ever Be
"You have to tell them, Grace."
Grace looked over at Jessie and shook her head. "I can't.... not yet. I want to wait till at least I've graduated."
Jessie nodded, "I guess that makes sense. You only have one more week to go."
Grace sighed. She wasn't the least bit excited about graduating anymore. How could see be when now she knew she wouldn't be able to go away to college like all her friends? But Grace was completely anti- abortion, and she knew she wouldn't be able to give her child away for adoption... so, that left only one option. She would keep it, and raise it. Hopefully she'd have help from her parents, but if not... she would make do.
"Are you going to tell the father?" Jessie asked, sneaking a look over at Grace.
Grace shifted on her bed, shaking her head. "I can't Jessie, I just can't. You don't understand..."
Jessie looked up from where she sat on Grace's bedroom floor. A tentative look was on her face as she said, "I think Eli would want to know."
Grace felt her heart skip a beat. "How did you know?" She questioned.
Jessie tilted her head to the side, thinking of how to answer. "I just did."
Grace put her hands over her face. "Oh, God, Jessie... this wasn't supposed to happen."
"I know, but it did," Jessie said gently. "And I really think you should tell my brother. It might help him get out of the slump he's in..."
"What do you mean?" Grace asked, although she thought she knew.
Jessie sighed, "Grace, that's not my brother out there anymore. He's angry, lazy, mean, and stoned all the time... I don't know what caused him to be this way. But maybe this--your pregnancy-- will change him."
Grace thought about it. Her eyes were sad as she said, "I don't think it will."
Jessie looked down at the carpet, running her fingers across it. "What happened between you two?" She asked, looking up at Grace.
Grace paused. That was a hard question to answer. "Jess..." Grace began.
Jessie's shoulders slumped, "I know... you don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry I asked." Jessie stood up, ready to leave, but Grace stopped her.
"Jess?" Grace asked.
"Hmm?"
"Thanks for everything... for being here for me through this," Grace said with her whole heart.
Jessie smiled, "You're welcome."
* * *
"Oh!!" Lily cried loudly. "Oh, Grace! We're SO proud of you!"
Grace hugged her mother. "Thanks." Her mother let go of her reluctantly, and Grace hugged Rick too. They were on her school's lawn after her high school graduation ceremony.
"You have your whole life ahead of you," Rick said to Grace.
Grace smiled, but inside she was thinking that what Rick said was true, but it was going to be a different version of her life than her mother and Rick imagined for her.
Judy came over with her husband Sam, and Grace took their hugs too. Then her father and Tiffany found her, and Grace hugged them too. Grace began to feel a little claustrophobic as her friends and their families surrounded her, all exchanging congratulations.
"Mom, can we go home now?" Grace asked, after the crowd had cleared.
Lily looked over with surprise, "Aren't you going to go to any parties with your friends?"
Grace shook her head, "No."
Lily frowned at that, and Grace quickly spoke before her mother could get on her about it, "I just don't want to. I'm going home..."
Lily looked around for Rick, Jessie and Zoe. "Alright, we'll see you back home then."
Grace hurried off to her Honda. She got in and drove home. As she parked in the driveway she saw Eli leaning against his car, smoking a cigarette.
Eli looked over at her as she got out of the car, with a hurting lack of emotion. "So, you're graduated, huh?"
Grace looked at him, "Yeah. We had a ticket for you... you could have come."
Eli shook his head, "Go back there? No thanks..." He took a last drag off his cigarette and reached inside the open window of his car, stubbing it out in the ashtray on the dash. He turned back to Grace, "So, I guess you're going to be going to some nice school... far away."
Grace froze at that. "Uh, well, I planned on going to that school in Madison, but... things change."
Eli looked at her curiously, "You're not going?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Grace said sharply. She walked further up the driveway towards the house, but as she got near Eli, he reached out, stopping her.
"You should, Grace," He said, his eyes sincere. "You've always been cut out of college... you're not dumb like me."
Grace's face softened, "You're not dumb, Eli... look at what you can do on a guitar. I could never do that."
Eli frowned, "Yeah, and what have I done with my 'amazing' guitar skills... nothing..."
"You could start up a band, Eli," Grace said, her voice growing hopeful. "You could put up ads for a drummer, and bass player... and you could make up beautiful songs like you used to, and you could get gigs..."
"Stop," Eli said, his voice slightly sad. He looked deep into Grace's dark brown eyes, "We both know that won't happen."
"Eli..." Grace reached out, her hands falling on his shoulders, "You're so much more than you let yourself be.."
Eli leaned in, kissing her. Grace kissed him back, feeling the magic that always seemed to be between them. Eli's hands slid up her back, drawing her into him. And then... then he was pushing her away.
"You're wrong, Grace. This is all I'll ever be. You won't change me, so stop trying." Eli said harshly.
Grace stepped back, closing her eyes briefly. "I..."
"Just go, Grace. Go make something of yourself. Go to college and have boyfriends, and have a career," Eli's guard was back up, and he said this blandly, lacking any real emotion.
Grace shook her head, "I don't think I can do that... not anymore."
But Eli wasn't listening. He was already getting into his car. Grace watched him back out of the driveway, hurt.
* * *
Eli came into her room that night. Grace was still awake. "Eli..."
Eli was silent, as he sat down in the bed next to her in the dark. Grace felt his hands run up her body and his lips on her neck, but she was resolved to remain firm. "Eli, stop."
Eli stopped. "You want to get on the floor? Or we could go out to my room..."
Grace got up from the bed, and turned on the light. Eli looked over from where he sat on her bed in his boxers.
"I don't think we should do this..." Grace told him, coming back to sit down next to him. She found she couldn't even look him in the eyes. She found herself staring at his bare chest and stomach, and she looked away, at the wall.
"Ugh, Grace," Eli groaned. "You say that every time, and yet when have you turned me down?"
Grace scowled, "So... this time I mean it."
Eli studied her face, as she looked down at the blanket on her bed. He moved forward, ready to kiss her, but Grace turned her head. "We should have stopped this a long time ago," Grace said sadly. "Our relationship is screwed up, Eli."
"You think I don't know that?" Eli said angrily. "Oh, wait... it's because I'm the dumb one, right? And you're the one going off to college."
"I'm not going to damn college!" Grace snapped.
Eli shook his head, "Yeah, you will... your mother wouldn't let you NOT go. It would be a crime against humanity or something..."
Grace crossed her arms over her chest. "My mother won't have a say in it. I'm not going... end of story."
"So, what are you going to do?" Eli questioned sarcastically, "Get a job at Booklover's and turn into a loser like me?"
"You're not a loser," Grace said softly.
"Yeah, says who? Ask my dad, my mom, Lily, Jessie... they'll all tell you I am."
"Eli, you're not a loser... I'll tell you that." Grace said truthfully. "Why else would I have gotten into this mess?" She said the last part without thinking about it, and Eli looked at her quizzically.
"What mess?"
Grace stumbled for the words. She had to tell him, sometime or another. Once she told her parents she was pregnant, it wouldn't take Eli long to see he was the father. "Eli... I have something to tell you..." Grace said, trembling.
"What?" Eli asked.
Grace looked into his eyes with trouble. "I... I'm pregnant."
Eli looked like he had been hit with a bolt of lighting, as all color faded from his face, and his mouth dropped open. He looked at Grace, gapping for breath.
Grace waited for him to say something, to say anything. But Eli got up from the bed instead, and left her room in silence. Grace broke down in tears as she lay on her bed, alone.
* * *
Where Do We Go From Here?
Chapter 4//All I'll Ever Be
"You have to tell them, Grace."
Grace looked over at Jessie and shook her head. "I can't.... not yet. I want to wait till at least I've graduated."
Jessie nodded, "I guess that makes sense. You only have one more week to go."
Grace sighed. She wasn't the least bit excited about graduating anymore. How could see be when now she knew she wouldn't be able to go away to college like all her friends? But Grace was completely anti- abortion, and she knew she wouldn't be able to give her child away for adoption... so, that left only one option. She would keep it, and raise it. Hopefully she'd have help from her parents, but if not... she would make do.
"Are you going to tell the father?" Jessie asked, sneaking a look over at Grace.
Grace shifted on her bed, shaking her head. "I can't Jessie, I just can't. You don't understand..."
Jessie looked up from where she sat on Grace's bedroom floor. A tentative look was on her face as she said, "I think Eli would want to know."
Grace felt her heart skip a beat. "How did you know?" She questioned.
Jessie tilted her head to the side, thinking of how to answer. "I just did."
Grace put her hands over her face. "Oh, God, Jessie... this wasn't supposed to happen."
"I know, but it did," Jessie said gently. "And I really think you should tell my brother. It might help him get out of the slump he's in..."
"What do you mean?" Grace asked, although she thought she knew.
Jessie sighed, "Grace, that's not my brother out there anymore. He's angry, lazy, mean, and stoned all the time... I don't know what caused him to be this way. But maybe this--your pregnancy-- will change him."
Grace thought about it. Her eyes were sad as she said, "I don't think it will."
Jessie looked down at the carpet, running her fingers across it. "What happened between you two?" She asked, looking up at Grace.
Grace paused. That was a hard question to answer. "Jess..." Grace began.
Jessie's shoulders slumped, "I know... you don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry I asked." Jessie stood up, ready to leave, but Grace stopped her.
"Jess?" Grace asked.
"Hmm?"
"Thanks for everything... for being here for me through this," Grace said with her whole heart.
Jessie smiled, "You're welcome."
* * *
"Oh!!" Lily cried loudly. "Oh, Grace! We're SO proud of you!"
Grace hugged her mother. "Thanks." Her mother let go of her reluctantly, and Grace hugged Rick too. They were on her school's lawn after her high school graduation ceremony.
"You have your whole life ahead of you," Rick said to Grace.
Grace smiled, but inside she was thinking that what Rick said was true, but it was going to be a different version of her life than her mother and Rick imagined for her.
Judy came over with her husband Sam, and Grace took their hugs too. Then her father and Tiffany found her, and Grace hugged them too. Grace began to feel a little claustrophobic as her friends and their families surrounded her, all exchanging congratulations.
"Mom, can we go home now?" Grace asked, after the crowd had cleared.
Lily looked over with surprise, "Aren't you going to go to any parties with your friends?"
Grace shook her head, "No."
Lily frowned at that, and Grace quickly spoke before her mother could get on her about it, "I just don't want to. I'm going home..."
Lily looked around for Rick, Jessie and Zoe. "Alright, we'll see you back home then."
Grace hurried off to her Honda. She got in and drove home. As she parked in the driveway she saw Eli leaning against his car, smoking a cigarette.
Eli looked over at her as she got out of the car, with a hurting lack of emotion. "So, you're graduated, huh?"
Grace looked at him, "Yeah. We had a ticket for you... you could have come."
Eli shook his head, "Go back there? No thanks..." He took a last drag off his cigarette and reached inside the open window of his car, stubbing it out in the ashtray on the dash. He turned back to Grace, "So, I guess you're going to be going to some nice school... far away."
Grace froze at that. "Uh, well, I planned on going to that school in Madison, but... things change."
Eli looked at her curiously, "You're not going?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Grace said sharply. She walked further up the driveway towards the house, but as she got near Eli, he reached out, stopping her.
"You should, Grace," He said, his eyes sincere. "You've always been cut out of college... you're not dumb like me."
Grace's face softened, "You're not dumb, Eli... look at what you can do on a guitar. I could never do that."
Eli frowned, "Yeah, and what have I done with my 'amazing' guitar skills... nothing..."
"You could start up a band, Eli," Grace said, her voice growing hopeful. "You could put up ads for a drummer, and bass player... and you could make up beautiful songs like you used to, and you could get gigs..."
"Stop," Eli said, his voice slightly sad. He looked deep into Grace's dark brown eyes, "We both know that won't happen."
"Eli..." Grace reached out, her hands falling on his shoulders, "You're so much more than you let yourself be.."
Eli leaned in, kissing her. Grace kissed him back, feeling the magic that always seemed to be between them. Eli's hands slid up her back, drawing her into him. And then... then he was pushing her away.
"You're wrong, Grace. This is all I'll ever be. You won't change me, so stop trying." Eli said harshly.
Grace stepped back, closing her eyes briefly. "I..."
"Just go, Grace. Go make something of yourself. Go to college and have boyfriends, and have a career," Eli's guard was back up, and he said this blandly, lacking any real emotion.
Grace shook her head, "I don't think I can do that... not anymore."
But Eli wasn't listening. He was already getting into his car. Grace watched him back out of the driveway, hurt.
* * *
Eli came into her room that night. Grace was still awake. "Eli..."
Eli was silent, as he sat down in the bed next to her in the dark. Grace felt his hands run up her body and his lips on her neck, but she was resolved to remain firm. "Eli, stop."
Eli stopped. "You want to get on the floor? Or we could go out to my room..."
Grace got up from the bed, and turned on the light. Eli looked over from where he sat on her bed in his boxers.
"I don't think we should do this..." Grace told him, coming back to sit down next to him. She found she couldn't even look him in the eyes. She found herself staring at his bare chest and stomach, and she looked away, at the wall.
"Ugh, Grace," Eli groaned. "You say that every time, and yet when have you turned me down?"
Grace scowled, "So... this time I mean it."
Eli studied her face, as she looked down at the blanket on her bed. He moved forward, ready to kiss her, but Grace turned her head. "We should have stopped this a long time ago," Grace said sadly. "Our relationship is screwed up, Eli."
"You think I don't know that?" Eli said angrily. "Oh, wait... it's because I'm the dumb one, right? And you're the one going off to college."
"I'm not going to damn college!" Grace snapped.
Eli shook his head, "Yeah, you will... your mother wouldn't let you NOT go. It would be a crime against humanity or something..."
Grace crossed her arms over her chest. "My mother won't have a say in it. I'm not going... end of story."
"So, what are you going to do?" Eli questioned sarcastically, "Get a job at Booklover's and turn into a loser like me?"
"You're not a loser," Grace said softly.
"Yeah, says who? Ask my dad, my mom, Lily, Jessie... they'll all tell you I am."
"Eli, you're not a loser... I'll tell you that." Grace said truthfully. "Why else would I have gotten into this mess?" She said the last part without thinking about it, and Eli looked at her quizzically.
"What mess?"
Grace stumbled for the words. She had to tell him, sometime or another. Once she told her parents she was pregnant, it wouldn't take Eli long to see he was the father. "Eli... I have something to tell you..." Grace said, trembling.
"What?" Eli asked.
Grace looked into his eyes with trouble. "I... I'm pregnant."
Eli looked like he had been hit with a bolt of lighting, as all color faded from his face, and his mouth dropped open. He looked at Grace, gapping for breath.
Grace waited for him to say something, to say anything. But Eli got up from the bed instead, and left her room in silence. Grace broke down in tears as she lay on her bed, alone.
* * *