In the Shadows
By Ryuuen
Warnings: Shounen-ai, language.
Disclaimer: I don't own WeiB KreuZ. Nor do I own the Fushigi Yuugi OVA Songs Collection CD, the Coyote Ugly Soundtrack, or any of the songs mentioned in this fic. I do own wrist pain. Darn keyboard.
A/N: My mom and my brother were fighting again. Here's my release. Thanks, Omittchi.
IN THE SHADOWS
-------------------------
They're fighting again. I wish they would stop.
This time it has something to do with our most recent target, a high-ranking businessman. He says we should be careful, he doesn't want us to get hurt or killed. He says it doesn't matter, as long as we make the hit. I wish they would stop.. I hate it when they fight. The whole house fills with despair when they do. It doesn't help me, when he goes to him in the night full of apologies, it doesn't take away my hurt feelings. Only his.
But do they really have any right to be fighting? I don't think so. Aya-kun has been our leader from day one. Yohji-kun really doesn't have a right to cross that line. Even if he did, they don't need to yell. Yohji-kun is the only one of us who really makes Aya-kun lose his cool.
I restrain myself from shouting at them both to shut up, and retreat to my room. The last time I tried to get them both to stop fighting, they told me it wasn't any of my business and were mad at me for days. If it's one thing that's worse to me than having them mad at each other, it's when they're mad at me.
Once inside, I put in my Fushigi Yuugi OVA Song Collection CD, jack up the volume and let Satou Akemi's "Everything For You" and Sakamoto Chika's "Perfect World" fill the room. The smooth jazz of track 3 (I don't know the name) helps me relax. I can barely hear them now, over the music. I was supposed to do the dishes, but I'll wait until one of them leaves, which one or the other will inevitably do. I sigh as song number 4, Midorikawa Hikaru's "Voice", fills the room, wondering vaguely if I should change the song; I'm not a huge fan of "Voice", even if I like his "Into the Battle Called Love". I wish there was a Hotohori single on this CD, his voice really relaxes me. I like "In My Universe, There Is You" and "Message" best. "Sadame no Hoshi" is really sweet, but I have to agree with Yohji-kun, it does sound like church music a little bit...
My thoughts are wandering. I snap back to reality, hearing their raised voices succeed even my music, which is as loud as I can stand it while I'm not singing along to it. Maybe I should put in one of my English-language CDs, but they'd probably put me more on edge. Somehow I don't think "The Right Kind of Wrong" will help me out here.
I hear a door shut, and I know that Ken-kun has escaped them. The first few times the two fought, he offered to take me with him, but I know I should stay here... make sure neither of them does anything stupid.
It's really dark, the world, when the people you love are hating each other. Even if they apologize, they don't entirely forgive each other. I don't know if I can forgive them. They only think of themselves when they fight. It's always "me, me, me". Sometimes I hear my name in the arguments. Aya-kun accusing Yohji-kun of fucking around with me. Yohji-kun telling Aya-kun that he should be nicer to me, I'm just a kid. I scowl at that. I'm more adult than they are. Sometimes they talk about "responsibilities". I feel like a kid caught in the middle of my parent's divorce and they're fighting for custody. I guess that would make Ken-kun my aniki, ne?
But at night, they apologize to each other. They have sex and fall asleep naked under the sheets, blissfully silent. They don't care what this does to me. That I'm a nervous wreck, hiding in my room and waiting to see if one of them tries to kill the others, trying to drown my sorrow in the music of Satou Akemi, Sakamoto Chika, and Araki Kae. Maybe they don't notice.
In the morning I'll paint on a smile over my pain and the tiredness of staying up all night thinking, serve them pancakes or toast and coffee, laugh at Yohji-kun's bad jokes, make Aya-kun smile, try to ignore the look that Ken-kun gives me, seeing past that smile. I'll make it through the day with that smile plastered on my face, putting together my flower arrangements with a patience I usually reserve for waiting their fights out. Some days they start fighting even before dinner, and I go hungry that night until Ken-kun comes home. On nights like that, he always brings me back something to eat. Usually it's nothing special, just a burger, fries, and a shake or something, and I don't think he knows how much it means to me that he does this. By now, he knows that I like burgers with no mustard, fries with extra salt, and chocolate shakes. He knows that every once in a while I take the pickles off of my burger and eat them seperately. He knows that I like my ketchup on the side, not right on my fries. And most of all, he knows the way my smile looks when it's real. If I was capable of really loving anyone anymore, I think I would say that I am in love with Ken-kun. But he wouldn't want me, anyway. I'm just a killer. I don't think I can love after the life I've lived, after the things I've seen. After the fights I see between Yohji-kun and Aya-kun. I don't want to fight with Ken-kun. I'm afraid that if I love him, I will.
I love all of them, I really do. But I wonder, sometimes.. it's like in "Perfect World": "When will you be strong enough to stand up? It will grow inside of you." I wonder if the strength to stand up to them and end their fights will grow inside of me. I wonder if this will ever end. I'm tired of hiding in my room. I'm tired of coming home from cram school and finding them fighting, slipping by and hiding in my room with a Fushigi Yuugi CD or the Coyote Ugly Soundtrack jacked up just as high as I can put it without getting a headache. I'm tired of it all. I just... I just want it to end.
Ne, I'm not thinking of suicide. Or homicide, for that matter. I just want to stop them. I want to escape. Ken-kun has the right idea, but someone has to stay here so that they won't kill each other. So even as I listen to my music I'm listening for the sound of Yohji-kun's fiberwire being deployed, of Aya-kun drawing his sword.
I envy them their ability to kiss and make up and make everything better like that. Even if it happens again the next night, an endless cycle, at least they have that peace for a few hours. I'm never free of this anxiety. I go to cram school and wonder, what if they hurt each other while I'm gone?
In their rage, they don't notice me slip out. I'm out the door and it closes behind me. I see through the window Yohji-kun looking up, his eyes lock with mine and I know that he knows what I'm doing, as I walk down the stairs behind the apartments to the street, a black duffel bag clutched in my left hand. He's too angry to care. He's probably relieved. Now there won't be a "policeman" listening in on his and Aya-kun's conversations. Good. I hope they kill each other.
No, no I don't. I don't mean it. But it hurts so much when they fight. I've just... I've just got to get away. I don't care where I go. It doesn't matter. I'm just going. Nothing else matters right now.
It's a long moment before I realize that I'm crying. The tears running down my face are hot, and sobs are choking me. But I blink back anymore tears, trying to bite back the sobs that threaten to rip free from my throat. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. I'm not gonna look back. Maybe someday I'll return, when they straighten out their problems and stop hurting me like this. Stop hurting each other like this.
I only left a note, on my bed for Ken-kun to find when he comes home and checks in on me.
Goodbye, my friends.
I'm sorry, Ken-kun.. I had to go.
Good luck. May the Gods be with you.
I really loved you all.
~Omi
~end~
By Ryuuen
Warnings: Shounen-ai, language.
Disclaimer: I don't own WeiB KreuZ. Nor do I own the Fushigi Yuugi OVA Songs Collection CD, the Coyote Ugly Soundtrack, or any of the songs mentioned in this fic. I do own wrist pain. Darn keyboard.
A/N: My mom and my brother were fighting again. Here's my release. Thanks, Omittchi.
IN THE SHADOWS
-------------------------
They're fighting again. I wish they would stop.
This time it has something to do with our most recent target, a high-ranking businessman. He says we should be careful, he doesn't want us to get hurt or killed. He says it doesn't matter, as long as we make the hit. I wish they would stop.. I hate it when they fight. The whole house fills with despair when they do. It doesn't help me, when he goes to him in the night full of apologies, it doesn't take away my hurt feelings. Only his.
But do they really have any right to be fighting? I don't think so. Aya-kun has been our leader from day one. Yohji-kun really doesn't have a right to cross that line. Even if he did, they don't need to yell. Yohji-kun is the only one of us who really makes Aya-kun lose his cool.
I restrain myself from shouting at them both to shut up, and retreat to my room. The last time I tried to get them both to stop fighting, they told me it wasn't any of my business and were mad at me for days. If it's one thing that's worse to me than having them mad at each other, it's when they're mad at me.
Once inside, I put in my Fushigi Yuugi OVA Song Collection CD, jack up the volume and let Satou Akemi's "Everything For You" and Sakamoto Chika's "Perfect World" fill the room. The smooth jazz of track 3 (I don't know the name) helps me relax. I can barely hear them now, over the music. I was supposed to do the dishes, but I'll wait until one of them leaves, which one or the other will inevitably do. I sigh as song number 4, Midorikawa Hikaru's "Voice", fills the room, wondering vaguely if I should change the song; I'm not a huge fan of "Voice", even if I like his "Into the Battle Called Love". I wish there was a Hotohori single on this CD, his voice really relaxes me. I like "In My Universe, There Is You" and "Message" best. "Sadame no Hoshi" is really sweet, but I have to agree with Yohji-kun, it does sound like church music a little bit...
My thoughts are wandering. I snap back to reality, hearing their raised voices succeed even my music, which is as loud as I can stand it while I'm not singing along to it. Maybe I should put in one of my English-language CDs, but they'd probably put me more on edge. Somehow I don't think "The Right Kind of Wrong" will help me out here.
I hear a door shut, and I know that Ken-kun has escaped them. The first few times the two fought, he offered to take me with him, but I know I should stay here... make sure neither of them does anything stupid.
It's really dark, the world, when the people you love are hating each other. Even if they apologize, they don't entirely forgive each other. I don't know if I can forgive them. They only think of themselves when they fight. It's always "me, me, me". Sometimes I hear my name in the arguments. Aya-kun accusing Yohji-kun of fucking around with me. Yohji-kun telling Aya-kun that he should be nicer to me, I'm just a kid. I scowl at that. I'm more adult than they are. Sometimes they talk about "responsibilities". I feel like a kid caught in the middle of my parent's divorce and they're fighting for custody. I guess that would make Ken-kun my aniki, ne?
But at night, they apologize to each other. They have sex and fall asleep naked under the sheets, blissfully silent. They don't care what this does to me. That I'm a nervous wreck, hiding in my room and waiting to see if one of them tries to kill the others, trying to drown my sorrow in the music of Satou Akemi, Sakamoto Chika, and Araki Kae. Maybe they don't notice.
In the morning I'll paint on a smile over my pain and the tiredness of staying up all night thinking, serve them pancakes or toast and coffee, laugh at Yohji-kun's bad jokes, make Aya-kun smile, try to ignore the look that Ken-kun gives me, seeing past that smile. I'll make it through the day with that smile plastered on my face, putting together my flower arrangements with a patience I usually reserve for waiting their fights out. Some days they start fighting even before dinner, and I go hungry that night until Ken-kun comes home. On nights like that, he always brings me back something to eat. Usually it's nothing special, just a burger, fries, and a shake or something, and I don't think he knows how much it means to me that he does this. By now, he knows that I like burgers with no mustard, fries with extra salt, and chocolate shakes. He knows that every once in a while I take the pickles off of my burger and eat them seperately. He knows that I like my ketchup on the side, not right on my fries. And most of all, he knows the way my smile looks when it's real. If I was capable of really loving anyone anymore, I think I would say that I am in love with Ken-kun. But he wouldn't want me, anyway. I'm just a killer. I don't think I can love after the life I've lived, after the things I've seen. After the fights I see between Yohji-kun and Aya-kun. I don't want to fight with Ken-kun. I'm afraid that if I love him, I will.
I love all of them, I really do. But I wonder, sometimes.. it's like in "Perfect World": "When will you be strong enough to stand up? It will grow inside of you." I wonder if the strength to stand up to them and end their fights will grow inside of me. I wonder if this will ever end. I'm tired of hiding in my room. I'm tired of coming home from cram school and finding them fighting, slipping by and hiding in my room with a Fushigi Yuugi CD or the Coyote Ugly Soundtrack jacked up just as high as I can put it without getting a headache. I'm tired of it all. I just... I just want it to end.
Ne, I'm not thinking of suicide. Or homicide, for that matter. I just want to stop them. I want to escape. Ken-kun has the right idea, but someone has to stay here so that they won't kill each other. So even as I listen to my music I'm listening for the sound of Yohji-kun's fiberwire being deployed, of Aya-kun drawing his sword.
I envy them their ability to kiss and make up and make everything better like that. Even if it happens again the next night, an endless cycle, at least they have that peace for a few hours. I'm never free of this anxiety. I go to cram school and wonder, what if they hurt each other while I'm gone?
In their rage, they don't notice me slip out. I'm out the door and it closes behind me. I see through the window Yohji-kun looking up, his eyes lock with mine and I know that he knows what I'm doing, as I walk down the stairs behind the apartments to the street, a black duffel bag clutched in my left hand. He's too angry to care. He's probably relieved. Now there won't be a "policeman" listening in on his and Aya-kun's conversations. Good. I hope they kill each other.
No, no I don't. I don't mean it. But it hurts so much when they fight. I've just... I've just got to get away. I don't care where I go. It doesn't matter. I'm just going. Nothing else matters right now.
It's a long moment before I realize that I'm crying. The tears running down my face are hot, and sobs are choking me. But I blink back anymore tears, trying to bite back the sobs that threaten to rip free from my throat. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. I'm not gonna look back. Maybe someday I'll return, when they straighten out their problems and stop hurting me like this. Stop hurting each other like this.
I only left a note, on my bed for Ken-kun to find when he comes home and checks in on me.
Goodbye, my friends.
I'm sorry, Ken-kun.. I had to go.
Good luck. May the Gods be with you.
I really loved you all.
~Omi
~end~