Author: Taz
Title: My Daddy Says... - But It Is An Heirloom...
Summary: What one thing is guaranteed to have all kindergarten teachers quaking with fear? A show and tell presentation from a kid whose parents slay demons, that's what...
Disclaimer: Don't own, pretend to own, or intend to make money from this... aren't disclaimers a boring waste of time?
"This is a crossbow," the small, dark-haired boy informed his classmates, hefting the cumbersome wooden instrument easily.
"Colm O'Connor put that down this instant!" yelped his teacher from a safe position behind the reading corner bookshelf.
"It's not loaded," he replied, shooting his teacher a look of disdain. "What sort of family do you think I come from?!"
"I don't care whether it's loaded or not," the poor young woman squeaked. "You could take someone's eye out with that thing!"
"I've lived around it my whole life and my eyes are still in my head, aren't they?" Colm grumbled to himself. "Can I put it on the desk and talk about it?"
"Absolutely not! That... thing is an offensive weapon! This is a respectable private school and you're turning it, single-handedly, into a disgrace."
"Why?" Colm asked, his classmates were eyeing the piece of deadly looking equipment in his hands with interest, and the fact it had their teacher hiding behind copies of Little Red Riding Hood and Peter Pan only served to make it all the more fascinating.
"Hey Colm!" called one boy from the back of the class. "What does that thing do?"
"My mommy used to use it to shoot bolts at vampires," Colm declared proudly.
"My Daddy says..." began Jessy from the back of the room.
"Shut up Jessy, no one cares what your daddy says."
"Colm," snapped his teacher, marching to the front of the room when she realised he wasn't going to turn on his classmates or herself with the crossbow. "It's neither polite nor nice to speak like that to someone."
"Yeah, well he started it," Colm muttered quietly. "Can I finish my talk ma'am?"
"I suppose so," she sighed wearily and sat down in her chair, keeping herself carefully between the child and the weapon.
"Anyway, mommy's the best and baddest vampire slayer that Watcher's Council ever sawed and so she got to use this real quick and she killed lots of monsters with it. She once killed my daddy too, but that was with a sword and anyway he was evil at the time but that was before he got his soul and Uncle Spike says it's a good thing 'cause mommy makes him happy all the time now but I couldn't get to ask why 'cause mommy told Uncle Spike to shut his dirty mouth in front of me. No one ever tells me anything," Colm paused for breath.
"Colm," his teacher began. "You really are going to have to stop inventing these stories one day. No one ever gets to learn a thing about you because you persist in inventing these tales of monsters and vampires. And I distinctly recall telling you to bring in an 'heirloom'. Who remembers what that is?"
"Something that gets given to you from your parents that you give to your kids and they give to their kids," Jessy replied, shooting Colm a smug grin.
"Thank you Jessy. Now Colm, this... thing, it isn't really an heirloom is it?"
"Sure it is," Colm replied with a puzzled frown. "Mommy says I can use it some day when I'm big enough to help daddy catch bad guys and demons."
"Yes Colm, now tell us what your daddy really does."
"He's a private investigator ma'am."
"Well that's wonderful, does he work with the police?"
"Not exactly... daddy says the police don't really like him 'cause he can handle all the cases they don't understand."
"Colm the sooner you put all this ridiculous nonsense out of your head the better," his teacher snapped. "Now, do you have anything else to show the class?"
"Just Mr Pointy," he shrugged, pulling a jagged and vicious looking stake out of his backpack.
"Colm O'Connor! March yourself to the principal's office this instant," the teacher barked. "And put that stick down before you go."
"Next time I'm bringing a dumb plate like Jessy did," Colm muttered as he grabbed his bag and headed out of the door.