Author: Taz

Title: 'My Daddy Says... I'm Not Being A Horse'

Summary: St Davidson's Preparatory School puts on it's annual Spring Pageant and, well, Colm isn't overjoyed at the part he's given.

Disclaimer: Don't own them.. but damn it would be better if I did.

"And now I'll read out the list of actors in this year's pageant."

An anticipated hush fell over the room full of five-year-olds, twenty pairs of eager eyes trained on their teacher, twenty eager mouths pressed tightly closed for fear of making a noise and having the whole exciting exercise called off. All except for one dark-haired little boy drumming his heels noisily against the floor.

"Colm O'Connor stop that racket this instant," snapped his teacher, shooting him a glare reserved for use only by kindergarten teachers and agitated mothers. It was a look Colm knew only too well from both parties and his actions ceased instantly.

"Sorry ma'am."

"That's better. Okay, as you know, this year's play is about King Arthur and so it needs someone to read out the story, what do we call reading out loud in a play?"

"Narrating!"

"Very good Jessy, but you should raise your hand before you answer."

"Dumbass."

"Colm O'Connor! I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that appalling language! Okay, since there's a lot to learn, I will be narrating. King Arthur will be played by Jessy Roarke."

"Yes!"

"Shut up nancy," Colm hissed, being careful to keep his voice low.

"Miss Johnson! Colm called me a-"

"Tell her and I'll get Uncle Spike to eat you."

"What was that Jessy?"

"Nothing ma'am."

"Okay, where was I? Ah yes, Corey Jakes will play Merlin, Lancelot will be played by Katie Markson..."

The list went on with every child squealing happily as their part was read out until finally only one youngster remained, waiting eagerly to find out what he would be playing.

"Now Colm, we have a very special part for you," the teacher beamed and went behind her desk, producing a piece of brown card with some drawing on it. She handed this item to Colm with a flourish, not noticing his look of complete bemusement as she continued.

"As we all know, the brave knights couldn't have done anything without a noble steed and so-"

"I am not being a horse," Colm yelped in disgust as he realised the card was, in fact, an equine mask.

"Now Colm don't be so silly," his teacher soothed. "It's one of the most important parts in the show."

"My daddy's a vampire, so's my uncle, my mommy's a slayer, my aunt Cordy's part demon, my aunt Willow's a witch and uncle Oz is a werewolf and you want me to be a horse?" Colm was incredulous as he threw down the mask and jumped to his feet, planting his smart leather school shoes squarely apart and placing his hands on his hips; the stance he had seen his mother take with his father every time she got her own way.

"Colm, you have quite a vivid imagination, if only we could channel that positively..."

"I'm not doing it," he stated flatly.

"But Colm," his teacher pleaded.

"NO!"

"Okay, maybe we can strike a compromise..."

*          *          *         

Buffy and Angel entered the school hall and moved to the front to take their seats. The curtain in front twitched and a small, cute face made itself known, grinning when it recognised it's parents. Buffy blew her son a kiss before he ducked back quickly and a soft shout of 'Colm O'Connor it is not too late to stop you doing this, you know?' could be heard.

"What part did he say he was playing?" Angel hissed into his wife's ear as the lights dimmed and the curtain went up.

"He wouldn't say," she replied, taking his hand and smiling as little Jessy strode onto the stage in his King Arthur costume. "He said he wanted it to be a surprise."

They watched with indulgent smiles as the five-year-olds began to act out the ancient myths of Merlin and the sword in the stone until, the music moved up a key, trumpets blasting from the state-of-the-art speakers and the young King strode about the stage waving his sword.

"It came to the attention of the king that an evil dragon had moved into his kingdom," read the teacher, putting an awful lot of emphasis into her voice. "The dragon was noisy and rude and-"

She was cut off as said dragon leapt into the stage roaring and flinging his little arms around and being very dramatic.

"Get off the stage idiot," the king hissed at the Colm/dragon. "You're not on yet..."

"Shut up Jessy," the Colm/dragon hissed at the Jessy/King. "Or I'll bitecha!"

"Oh God," Buffy groaned, covering her eyes with her hand. "Is our child threatening King Arthur?"

"I think he might be," Angel responded, a grin lighting up his face.

"Don't you dare laugh," Buffy elbowed her husband in the ribs. "You shouldn't encourage him."

"I never liked that other kid anyway," Angel shrugged, openly laughing as Colm responded to Jessy slapping his arm with a plastic sword by rugby tackling him to the ground and roaring in his face.

The two continued to wrestle in the middle of the stage until a male teacher rushed onstage and bodily lifted Colm off the ground; arms and legs still swinging, dragon mask askew and mouth opened in a deafening roar. The King climbed slowly and unsteadily to his feet, readjusting his cape and taking a deep breath before retrieving his sword from the other side of the stage and waving it triumphantly as the teacher continued to speak.

"And so the dragon was defeated, never to be seen again..."

The play continued without a hitch and the final curtain call was made with Colm stepping forward to take a bow to cheers from the audience. As they collected their son Buffy was waiting for the teacher to approach them. She did, looking most concerned.

"Mr and Mrs O'Connor?"

"Yes," Buffy smiled innocently and handed her son's backpack to Angel.

"Could I possibly have a moment of your time? You see it's about Colm... well, he's very energetic, isn't he?"

"He certainly is," Angel put in smoothly. "But surely all children are?"

"Yes, well, that's the thing, most children find a way to channel their energy but Colm seems to want to use violence all the time. Could I ask if he sees many action films as he always has very inventive and descriptive tales of vampires and monsters-"

"Demons," Angel corrected without thinking, instantly avoiding eye contact with his wife as she pressed the heel of her shoe pointedly into his foot.

"He has an active imagination," Buffy put in smoothly. "Like a lot of children his age he watches Goosebumps and things and he just picks it up."

"Yes well maybe you could consider monitoring his television viewing and finding something for him to channel his excess energy into... have you considered karate lessons?"