3.1.2003

Sorry I haven't written anything in a long time, I guess I've just been rather messed up since the little incident with mother on Christmas.

You know how I used to deal with stuff, well looks like I'm back to old habits.

The knife is back in my drawer and I now have scars up over my legs and arms, I'm telling you, without that scalpel I would have ended up committing suicide long time ago.

At this point my biggest problem is that, Hermione saw most of the scars on my arm, I told her that I fell in a thorn bush, but she didn't believe me.

So guess who ended up spilling out everything crying and screaming like some girly bimbo, all things point to moi.

But the ting that surprises me the most is that it helped.

It helped so fucking much I can't even describe it, finally I have someone that I can trust and that trusts me and that cares about me, noting of that phoney stuff, I mean she really cares.

Finally I know what real friendship is and I love it, though I have to admit it hurts as hell if you don't watch out.

I would do anything for Hermione and I just hope se feels the same way about me....

Hermione never told Terance about it, thank the lord, I really want to tell him because I love him and I know he loves me too, but I'm afraid it will make him think I'm some kind of nervous wreck, a freak that shouldn't be in public, just another fucked up Slytherin.......

I talked to Dumbledore yesterday about the whole incident with Mother, he said she'd come to fetch me because of, one: I was spending to much time together with those mudbloods, Gryffindors and trash.
the second reason was that I was called on by Lucius Malfoy.

He thinks it's time for me and Draco to met the dark lord, in addition to that I think he's thinking about an arranged marriage, lord, lets hope not.

Now I finally understand why Harry admires Dumbledore so much, can you believe it he promised that he would rather give up his position as headmaster than to let one of his students walk into the arms of Voldemort without a fight.

For the first time in a long time I feel loved and I'm loving and at this point there is nothing that would make me give up on life, because mine's looking brighter.

~*~Pansy~*~

P.s. Terance is still very sweet, he's planing on taking me on a picnic the someday, though i hope it's no time soon January is freezing..