From the Heart
By: sky75rk
Note: never thought that I would put a second chapter to this, but after getting a quite favorable response to the first chapter, I thought that it would be nice to make another chapter. It's so easy to make a POV fic since you make it like you were the character instead of being yourself. Well, I do know that you people already knew that so I'd stop this crap and get to work.
*** ***
Clowns. They're a perfect replica of me. Always smiling, making people laugh, and experience the joy they give. However, it's so bogus.
And I'm like them.
Then I'm bogus too. Hiding behind this fake smile I wear every single day of my life. Trying to suppress the sorrow I was feeling. Hiding inside myself. Behind this smile others considered as 'charming'.
It's so phony. I am phony.
This sorrow was supposed to be over years ago. And yet, it stayed there, in my mind. Making me remind that the things that caused me to break was because of them. Those ungrateful jerks. They were my shadows. Shadows of the past that I tried almost half of my life to forget. Desperately I wanted to escape. But can't. I am always reeled back to this past; to my past. Trapped, in this confusion. Jailed in my loneliness. Nobody seemed to bother though. All they see is the smiling young boy of 17, superior to others in terms of basketball, superior to others in everything. Nobody is there to hear my cries, much less muffle them.
Is this how it was meant to be? Am I supposed to be false for my entire life?
No. I don't want to. I want to experience the things that guys my age did the best. I want to experience how to love and be loved back.
It was something that I didn't feel.
I thought that I saw everything was over when a person my age came to me asking if I was to join the varsity. Of course I said yes. That was why I was heading straight to the gym. This person had a smiling face of a devilish angel and eyes fierce as the lion in the jungle. The person was mysterious, at the same time revealing. The person has this kind of confusing attitude. However, his eyes showed the emotion opposite mine.
He didn't understand what it feels like to be left alone.
I made this conclusion that he was surrounded be people caring and loving him all through his life, which in fact, I hadn't undergone yet. No need to investigate this fact. I was-am sure that he was a person that isn't made to be-to feel-what I had to go through to reach this status in life when I can smile without others noticing the falseness in it.
I don't believe in dreams and promises. They don't occur in this reality. A reality filled with anger, frustration and sorrow.
They are made for those who failed to realize these actuality. Those that are for the blind.
They aren't contrived for my sake.
Nothing is.
***
"Hey Sendoh! What are you doing in there?" a voice shouted from outside the door of my classroom.
It was Koshino. He was standing outside my now empty classroom with a curious look. It took ten steps for him to reach me. Then he looked at my paper and peered in it. Immediately, I took it away. I don't intend for any other people, even my best pal, to see and read it until the time comes.
"Why'd you do that? Ah, I get it! That's your diary, ne? I didn't know you write in a diary," Koshino continued to tease me. I didn't care. It wasn't true anyway. But at least, I should tell him before it reaches to the public. And it might reach to the other schools and then, my reputation would be so distorted, I can't bring it up back.
"Baka," I started. "It's for our English project," I told him.
Koshino just nodded in acknowledgement. "I see. Glad to hear that you finally manage to find a topic that you like," then again he smiled. A smile that wasn't meant for me.
We walked through the wide corridors of the school and I was wearing the same old smile that I used everyday. I smiled at practically everyone and they seemed to like it. Especially the girls. While Koshino just kept on walking, not bothering to even crack a small smile. As if he was carrying a huge problem over his shoulders. Wasn't that supposed to be me? Wasn't I supposed to be the one carrying that problematic smile?
Well, whatever that is, I swear that I would know it. Even if I didn't help myself get over with it; at least I'll be able to help my best friend.
That's how I feel for you, Hiro-kun.
And I hope that you'll feel what I feel for you too.
Someday.
Maybe someday you will. Then on, you will lift me from where I am now; you will be my angel.
And I'll continue to wait for it, the moment you'll see me as what I see you, even if it takes forever.
I promise.
-Owari- ***
Haha. not yet over.
***
Happiness is made to be felt by all people. In some circumstances, it is made for people to forget their problems and be carefree. For all I know it might be some kind of false spell for people to forget what they were supposed to do and for once smile like they are the most carefree people in this world. Feels like that that kind of person is me. False, fake, bogus or however you look at it; that's still me.
Self-pity. It's still me.
Funny, how I view life. Strange, how I treat it. As if I don't care about anything else in this world.
Although, all I know is that I care for one person alone. Or maybe I will, in the near future. It would just be only one, whom I would devote myself into. One person whom I would love and cherish for the rest of my entire life here on earth. One person alone. A person who will make my happy and subside the anguish in my heart, dissolve the anger in my mind. Make me smile in the way I always dreamt of.
And I wonder who would that be.
*** ***
"What's the matter Koshino-kun?" I started. " Having problems lately?"
I just have to know what's bothering my best friend. It would kill me if I wouldn't be the first to know.
You just shook his head. "It's nothing. Really." You said. Your reply was adamant.
I knew that there's something bothering you Hiro-kun. Why don't you just state it? Why don't you tell me? Am I not worth your trust? If not, then I better leave you alone.
"If you don't want to talk about it, then I guess I better leave," I said to you. I just want to help, but if you think I can't, well, what's the use?
You just gazed at me sadly, before answering back, " Gomen Sendoh, I appreciate your concern for me, however, I need to be alone," You told me. Damn it Koshino! It wasn't just concern. It was. it was.
I then left you alone, as you pleased. I never could finish my sentence, even if it's trapped in my mind.
But someday, I will.
*** ***
Honesty, a simple word, a simple meaning, yet just as meaningful. It needs trust to keep it alive, in certain cases; it needs love to act with it. Am I honest?
There are too many questions for me that is left unanswered. Too many answers for me to find out. To many things left for me to do to find out where to start.
Nevertheless, all this crumbled when I first saw you smile. I don't need to make a fuss about anything at all. You told me that all I needed was to be myself. All I needed was some truth serum or something that would get myself out of the emptiness and despair I felt long ago. Heck, you told me that. Without words.
You spoke to me in the language you knew best. I think that's what people call 'friendship'. You made me feel satisfied for a moment, although I didn't feel contented. I need you. I need you in my life. To be with me. To share me your life.
Is it impossible to wish for something like this?
Please tell me. I need to know. I need to know your answers. I can't wait forever. I'd be dead by then. Please, answer. *** ***
".Without interaction, we shrivel up and die. We all need to interact, to be wanted, to show feelings. We need social relationships and intimacy and we communicate in order to relate to other people," my English teacher began explaining. Then he continued, "Sendoh's project is an example of a boy, or girl for that matter-he didn't mention any--, who doesn't communicate well. Hence, the person develops a great deal of self-pity. Class, do you want me to read it?" my English teacher asked.
Shit!
I don't believe this!
He didn't really ask, did he?
But he did! The girls are screaming 'yes' to the sensei! I shrunk up in my seat to be small, as possible, but I know that's impossible either. So I just whispered to the other boys to be silent. They knowing my current situation kept silent. This is the time where I realized that I shouldn't trifle with girls' voices. Even though they're only a small population in our room, they're voices are loud enough to swallow ours. Sensei obliged reading. I groaned. My seatmate reached out his hand to pat my shoulder and I mouthed a thank you in return. Sensei unfolded my paperwork and began reading, everybody in full anticipation this time, even the boys.
Those bastards! I thought they were on my side! Fortunately for me, sensei was a fast reader, he finished 15 minutes later, all girls straining their ears to associate the words to one another, but can't. Ha. They deserve it!
The bell rang and sensei handed me my so-called-great-project with a smile. I looked down on it and saw the grade of A+. Not that I wasn't happy. It's just. I felt like. I shared my life to everyone. Although they don't know that. I just poured my anguish there and all. It wasn't just fiction. It was reality. MY reality.
I walked down the crowded aisle. Alone. Again. I was smiling my usual smile. I saw Koshino walking towards where I headed out first. He wasn't smiling. He wasn't frowning. He was. neutral. I waved at him, delighted to see him, after such a long morning. He waved back and accompanied me, still silent. I wanted to break the silence as usual, but he beat me to it.
"The boy in your story was YOU," he said in a clam and resolute voice. He wasn't even asking. He was so sure of it.
Wait. How did he know? He wasn't in my class.
"How did you-"
"I listened through all of it. I was passing by and I heard that the paperwork was yours and I listened," he answered.
I contemplated all his words. I was stunned. Nevertheless, I was left with no choice. I nodded and looked ahead, not daring to see his expression.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were going through all this?" you asked again. Why, you say? It's because.
"I don't want to burden you with my problems," I answered.
"Burden? Is that what I mean to you?"
I whirled around. Koshino had stopped walking. "No. You aren't a burden. You never will,"
You continued walking, I kept up with you. "I really want to help you, Sendoh. As a friend,"
Sou ka, ne? As a friend. Only. Only a friend.
".Because, it will never be more than that,"
I stared at your eyes, dying to see if you yourself were saying that. But your bangs covered it. I wanted to say something. anything.
"Wha--what do you mean?"
"I meant that it won't ever be more than that,"
My heart lightened. Sou ka. Sou ka.
"It can be, Hiro-kun. It can be,"
You lifted your head and I saw that loneliness there. Now I get why you have been so upset lately.
"It won't, because nobody allows it,"
How can you say that? After years of yearning for you to hear those words, you're just going to take it form me?
"How can you say that? After years of yearning for you to say those words, you're just going to take it from me?" How could you.? I have to tell you now.
"Hiro-kun, ai shiteru," I whispered in your ear. I felt you froze. I realized that we were on your usual spot when you wanted to be left alone. You walked around, your back into me.
"You still don't get it, do you? It won't be accepted. It just won't be. Probably never be,"
Silence.
"But I'm glad you thought that way,"
I smiled a genuine smile, one that I felt I hadn't done in a long time. You faced me and also smiled.
"This is an extraordinary ending," I said to you. Sitting under your favored tree.
You leaned against me, "Akira, this is just the beginning of it all,"
Yup. You were right. You were always right. I know now that I won't be using the word 'false' again because with you by my side, I will never be.
Thank you, for that.
Note: never thought that I would put a second chapter to this, but after getting a quite favorable response to the first chapter, I thought that it would be nice to make another chapter. It's so easy to make a POV fic since you make it like you were the character instead of being yourself. Well, I do know that you people already knew that so I'd stop this crap and get to work.
*** ***
Clowns. They're a perfect replica of me. Always smiling, making people laugh, and experience the joy they give. However, it's so bogus.
And I'm like them.
Then I'm bogus too. Hiding behind this fake smile I wear every single day of my life. Trying to suppress the sorrow I was feeling. Hiding inside myself. Behind this smile others considered as 'charming'.
It's so phony. I am phony.
This sorrow was supposed to be over years ago. And yet, it stayed there, in my mind. Making me remind that the things that caused me to break was because of them. Those ungrateful jerks. They were my shadows. Shadows of the past that I tried almost half of my life to forget. Desperately I wanted to escape. But can't. I am always reeled back to this past; to my past. Trapped, in this confusion. Jailed in my loneliness. Nobody seemed to bother though. All they see is the smiling young boy of 17, superior to others in terms of basketball, superior to others in everything. Nobody is there to hear my cries, much less muffle them.
Is this how it was meant to be? Am I supposed to be false for my entire life?
No. I don't want to. I want to experience the things that guys my age did the best. I want to experience how to love and be loved back.
It was something that I didn't feel.
I thought that I saw everything was over when a person my age came to me asking if I was to join the varsity. Of course I said yes. That was why I was heading straight to the gym. This person had a smiling face of a devilish angel and eyes fierce as the lion in the jungle. The person was mysterious, at the same time revealing. The person has this kind of confusing attitude. However, his eyes showed the emotion opposite mine.
He didn't understand what it feels like to be left alone.
I made this conclusion that he was surrounded be people caring and loving him all through his life, which in fact, I hadn't undergone yet. No need to investigate this fact. I was-am sure that he was a person that isn't made to be-to feel-what I had to go through to reach this status in life when I can smile without others noticing the falseness in it.
I don't believe in dreams and promises. They don't occur in this reality. A reality filled with anger, frustration and sorrow.
They are made for those who failed to realize these actuality. Those that are for the blind.
They aren't contrived for my sake.
Nothing is.
***
"Hey Sendoh! What are you doing in there?" a voice shouted from outside the door of my classroom.
It was Koshino. He was standing outside my now empty classroom with a curious look. It took ten steps for him to reach me. Then he looked at my paper and peered in it. Immediately, I took it away. I don't intend for any other people, even my best pal, to see and read it until the time comes.
"Why'd you do that? Ah, I get it! That's your diary, ne? I didn't know you write in a diary," Koshino continued to tease me. I didn't care. It wasn't true anyway. But at least, I should tell him before it reaches to the public. And it might reach to the other schools and then, my reputation would be so distorted, I can't bring it up back.
"Baka," I started. "It's for our English project," I told him.
Koshino just nodded in acknowledgement. "I see. Glad to hear that you finally manage to find a topic that you like," then again he smiled. A smile that wasn't meant for me.
We walked through the wide corridors of the school and I was wearing the same old smile that I used everyday. I smiled at practically everyone and they seemed to like it. Especially the girls. While Koshino just kept on walking, not bothering to even crack a small smile. As if he was carrying a huge problem over his shoulders. Wasn't that supposed to be me? Wasn't I supposed to be the one carrying that problematic smile?
Well, whatever that is, I swear that I would know it. Even if I didn't help myself get over with it; at least I'll be able to help my best friend.
That's how I feel for you, Hiro-kun.
And I hope that you'll feel what I feel for you too.
Someday.
Maybe someday you will. Then on, you will lift me from where I am now; you will be my angel.
And I'll continue to wait for it, the moment you'll see me as what I see you, even if it takes forever.
I promise.
-Owari- ***
Haha. not yet over.
***
Happiness is made to be felt by all people. In some circumstances, it is made for people to forget their problems and be carefree. For all I know it might be some kind of false spell for people to forget what they were supposed to do and for once smile like they are the most carefree people in this world. Feels like that that kind of person is me. False, fake, bogus or however you look at it; that's still me.
Self-pity. It's still me.
Funny, how I view life. Strange, how I treat it. As if I don't care about anything else in this world.
Although, all I know is that I care for one person alone. Or maybe I will, in the near future. It would just be only one, whom I would devote myself into. One person whom I would love and cherish for the rest of my entire life here on earth. One person alone. A person who will make my happy and subside the anguish in my heart, dissolve the anger in my mind. Make me smile in the way I always dreamt of.
And I wonder who would that be.
*** ***
"What's the matter Koshino-kun?" I started. " Having problems lately?"
I just have to know what's bothering my best friend. It would kill me if I wouldn't be the first to know.
You just shook his head. "It's nothing. Really." You said. Your reply was adamant.
I knew that there's something bothering you Hiro-kun. Why don't you just state it? Why don't you tell me? Am I not worth your trust? If not, then I better leave you alone.
"If you don't want to talk about it, then I guess I better leave," I said to you. I just want to help, but if you think I can't, well, what's the use?
You just gazed at me sadly, before answering back, " Gomen Sendoh, I appreciate your concern for me, however, I need to be alone," You told me. Damn it Koshino! It wasn't just concern. It was. it was.
I then left you alone, as you pleased. I never could finish my sentence, even if it's trapped in my mind.
But someday, I will.
*** ***
Honesty, a simple word, a simple meaning, yet just as meaningful. It needs trust to keep it alive, in certain cases; it needs love to act with it. Am I honest?
There are too many questions for me that is left unanswered. Too many answers for me to find out. To many things left for me to do to find out where to start.
Nevertheless, all this crumbled when I first saw you smile. I don't need to make a fuss about anything at all. You told me that all I needed was to be myself. All I needed was some truth serum or something that would get myself out of the emptiness and despair I felt long ago. Heck, you told me that. Without words.
You spoke to me in the language you knew best. I think that's what people call 'friendship'. You made me feel satisfied for a moment, although I didn't feel contented. I need you. I need you in my life. To be with me. To share me your life.
Is it impossible to wish for something like this?
Please tell me. I need to know. I need to know your answers. I can't wait forever. I'd be dead by then. Please, answer. *** ***
".Without interaction, we shrivel up and die. We all need to interact, to be wanted, to show feelings. We need social relationships and intimacy and we communicate in order to relate to other people," my English teacher began explaining. Then he continued, "Sendoh's project is an example of a boy, or girl for that matter-he didn't mention any--, who doesn't communicate well. Hence, the person develops a great deal of self-pity. Class, do you want me to read it?" my English teacher asked.
Shit!
I don't believe this!
He didn't really ask, did he?
But he did! The girls are screaming 'yes' to the sensei! I shrunk up in my seat to be small, as possible, but I know that's impossible either. So I just whispered to the other boys to be silent. They knowing my current situation kept silent. This is the time where I realized that I shouldn't trifle with girls' voices. Even though they're only a small population in our room, they're voices are loud enough to swallow ours. Sensei obliged reading. I groaned. My seatmate reached out his hand to pat my shoulder and I mouthed a thank you in return. Sensei unfolded my paperwork and began reading, everybody in full anticipation this time, even the boys.
Those bastards! I thought they were on my side! Fortunately for me, sensei was a fast reader, he finished 15 minutes later, all girls straining their ears to associate the words to one another, but can't. Ha. They deserve it!
The bell rang and sensei handed me my so-called-great-project with a smile. I looked down on it and saw the grade of A+. Not that I wasn't happy. It's just. I felt like. I shared my life to everyone. Although they don't know that. I just poured my anguish there and all. It wasn't just fiction. It was reality. MY reality.
I walked down the crowded aisle. Alone. Again. I was smiling my usual smile. I saw Koshino walking towards where I headed out first. He wasn't smiling. He wasn't frowning. He was. neutral. I waved at him, delighted to see him, after such a long morning. He waved back and accompanied me, still silent. I wanted to break the silence as usual, but he beat me to it.
"The boy in your story was YOU," he said in a clam and resolute voice. He wasn't even asking. He was so sure of it.
Wait. How did he know? He wasn't in my class.
"How did you-"
"I listened through all of it. I was passing by and I heard that the paperwork was yours and I listened," he answered.
I contemplated all his words. I was stunned. Nevertheless, I was left with no choice. I nodded and looked ahead, not daring to see his expression.
"Why didn't you tell me that you were going through all this?" you asked again. Why, you say? It's because.
"I don't want to burden you with my problems," I answered.
"Burden? Is that what I mean to you?"
I whirled around. Koshino had stopped walking. "No. You aren't a burden. You never will,"
You continued walking, I kept up with you. "I really want to help you, Sendoh. As a friend,"
Sou ka, ne? As a friend. Only. Only a friend.
".Because, it will never be more than that,"
I stared at your eyes, dying to see if you yourself were saying that. But your bangs covered it. I wanted to say something. anything.
"Wha--what do you mean?"
"I meant that it won't ever be more than that,"
My heart lightened. Sou ka. Sou ka.
"It can be, Hiro-kun. It can be,"
You lifted your head and I saw that loneliness there. Now I get why you have been so upset lately.
"It won't, because nobody allows it,"
How can you say that? After years of yearning for you to hear those words, you're just going to take it form me?
"How can you say that? After years of yearning for you to say those words, you're just going to take it from me?" How could you.? I have to tell you now.
"Hiro-kun, ai shiteru," I whispered in your ear. I felt you froze. I realized that we were on your usual spot when you wanted to be left alone. You walked around, your back into me.
"You still don't get it, do you? It won't be accepted. It just won't be. Probably never be,"
Silence.
"But I'm glad you thought that way,"
I smiled a genuine smile, one that I felt I hadn't done in a long time. You faced me and also smiled.
"This is an extraordinary ending," I said to you. Sitting under your favored tree.
You leaned against me, "Akira, this is just the beginning of it all,"
Yup. You were right. You were always right. I know now that I won't be using the word 'false' again because with you by my side, I will never be.
Thank you, for that.