"Lucas to the bridge immediately"
It's announced throughout seaquest on the loudspeakers. Damn, what do they want now, somebody must have messed up the computer systems again or something. Normally I wouldn't have minded, its nice to feel needed on this old metal tub once in awhile, but I'd just gone through the torture of having a conversation with my father, the famous Doctor Walencezk. And I didn't feel up to facing the Captain and the rest of the crew yet.
And although it had been through vidlink so he couldn't yell at me directly, it had still made me feel pretty bad, which meant more pain, more cuts and more scars to hide. Some of the things he'd said had really hurt deep. He said Captain Bridger had called him to complain about me again, which I didn't understand, because I thought everything was going great. I was on my best behaviour, I wasn't cutting nearly as much as I used to, I'd almost started to trust him, but I know better then to trust adults.
But I'd come so close to telling him everything the other day.
FLASHBACK It had been a really bad day, everybody seemed to have something that they needed done immediately, and I'd just got really stressed out and then Ford had yelled at me because I'd said I would have the new security program ready for him by then, and I didn't.
I was so out of it by the end of the day that I just went straight to my quarters and got out the razor blade that I kept specially for this purpose and did five or six really deep cuts on my left arm. I went a bit crazy and did them deeper then I normally do, but as I watched the blood flow the sense of release was immediate and I felt all the problems of the day just slipping away. It was only when I tried to stand to go get some tissue that I was overcome with a bout of dizziness and nausea. I cursed myself for having missed lunch that day, that on top of these deep cuts meant I was liable to faint unless I got some food inside me pretty quick.
So I cleaned my cuts and put on a long sleeved shirt over my T-shirt to cover the scars, old and new, and I set of for the Mess hall. With every step I took I felt worse until I had to stop and lean against a wall to catch my breath, it wasn't till I looked up and was faced with the Captain staring at me worriedly that I realised where I'd stopped, right outside the Captains quarters.
"Lucas, are you all right? You look a little pale",
He asks me, and he looked so honestly concerned about my welfare that I found myself wanting to tell him everything, I wanted to reach down, pull up my sleeve and show him my scars, I wanted him to make everything better. But I caught myself before I told him anything, I'd fallen into this trap before by telling one of the lectures at collage. Look where that had got me ended up, here on seaquest, not the worst place to be, but there where certainly better places for a fifteen year old to spend their time. So instead of letting him into my little world of self-harm, I simply answered,
"Yes sir, I'm fine, just hungry" he seemed to accept that as a suitable answer and I stumbled off in the direction of the Mess hall.
END FLASHBACK
As I think back on how close I'd come to telling him, I shudder, then suddenly,
"Lucas to the bridge, NOW!" is blared over the speakers, I jump and realise how much time I've spent in my memories. I pull down the sleeve on my T- shirt, nobody seems to have noticed how I always wear long sleeved garments, even in these hot summer months.
I set off running to the bridge, it's a good thing I didn't cut deep this time, otherwise I never would have been able to make it to the bridge
It's announced throughout seaquest on the loudspeakers. Damn, what do they want now, somebody must have messed up the computer systems again or something. Normally I wouldn't have minded, its nice to feel needed on this old metal tub once in awhile, but I'd just gone through the torture of having a conversation with my father, the famous Doctor Walencezk. And I didn't feel up to facing the Captain and the rest of the crew yet.
And although it had been through vidlink so he couldn't yell at me directly, it had still made me feel pretty bad, which meant more pain, more cuts and more scars to hide. Some of the things he'd said had really hurt deep. He said Captain Bridger had called him to complain about me again, which I didn't understand, because I thought everything was going great. I was on my best behaviour, I wasn't cutting nearly as much as I used to, I'd almost started to trust him, but I know better then to trust adults.
But I'd come so close to telling him everything the other day.
FLASHBACK It had been a really bad day, everybody seemed to have something that they needed done immediately, and I'd just got really stressed out and then Ford had yelled at me because I'd said I would have the new security program ready for him by then, and I didn't.
I was so out of it by the end of the day that I just went straight to my quarters and got out the razor blade that I kept specially for this purpose and did five or six really deep cuts on my left arm. I went a bit crazy and did them deeper then I normally do, but as I watched the blood flow the sense of release was immediate and I felt all the problems of the day just slipping away. It was only when I tried to stand to go get some tissue that I was overcome with a bout of dizziness and nausea. I cursed myself for having missed lunch that day, that on top of these deep cuts meant I was liable to faint unless I got some food inside me pretty quick.
So I cleaned my cuts and put on a long sleeved shirt over my T-shirt to cover the scars, old and new, and I set of for the Mess hall. With every step I took I felt worse until I had to stop and lean against a wall to catch my breath, it wasn't till I looked up and was faced with the Captain staring at me worriedly that I realised where I'd stopped, right outside the Captains quarters.
"Lucas, are you all right? You look a little pale",
He asks me, and he looked so honestly concerned about my welfare that I found myself wanting to tell him everything, I wanted to reach down, pull up my sleeve and show him my scars, I wanted him to make everything better. But I caught myself before I told him anything, I'd fallen into this trap before by telling one of the lectures at collage. Look where that had got me ended up, here on seaquest, not the worst place to be, but there where certainly better places for a fifteen year old to spend their time. So instead of letting him into my little world of self-harm, I simply answered,
"Yes sir, I'm fine, just hungry" he seemed to accept that as a suitable answer and I stumbled off in the direction of the Mess hall.
END FLASHBACK
As I think back on how close I'd come to telling him, I shudder, then suddenly,
"Lucas to the bridge, NOW!" is blared over the speakers, I jump and realise how much time I've spent in my memories. I pull down the sleeve on my T- shirt, nobody seems to have noticed how I always wear long sleeved garments, even in these hot summer months.
I set off running to the bridge, it's a good thing I didn't cut deep this time, otherwise I never would have been able to make it to the bridge