Chapter 2 - "About Last Night"
So. I told her. I told her I love her. Jesus. What was I thinking? And, it gets worse. She told me she loves me, too, but I'm not sure she knows that I know that. And now I have to face her, sober, in the cold light of day. I'm actually dreading it as I walk down the hall to my office, and I know the headache throbbing in my temples isn't just from last night's overindulgence. She's not at her desk, and there are no signs that she's been there yet. It's not like her to be late. In fact, she's always here extremely early, and stays extremely late. Dedicated. Oh, yes. My precious Donnatella is nothing if not dedicated. I didn't lie to her. I do love her. Really I do. I'm just saying. I didn't mean to tell her last night. It just came out before I could stop myself.
I sit down at my desk and start to shuffle through some papers with one hand as I rub my temple with the other. I'm looking for a report I need for a meeting with Leo in about ten minutes. An important report; an important meeting. I can't find it anywhere and I'm really in no mood to go looking for it.
"Donna!!" I yell even though I know she isn't here.
"I'm right here, Josh."
I jump, because I have no idea where she's come from. I look up at her, briefly, because I'm afraid to make eye contact. "Oh, sorry. Where the hell did you come from? "
"Venus, Josh. I came from Venus. I'm a Goddess, you know."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Where's....."
She hands me the report along with three Advil. She's always had this innate ability to know exactly what I need before I ask for it. And she's always there with it. I don't think she's ever let me down. She's really the perfect assistant. I can't imagine my life without her. I look up at her again, a vision in lavender. Those perky little breasts taunting me again from under her sweater, her long blonde hair hanging over her shoulders, not pulled back as it so often is. She's killing me. She really is. I finally get up the nerve to look into her eyes. She looks tired, but hopeful. And did I mention beautiful? Well, in case I forgot, she looks beautiful.
"How do you do that?"
She shrugs. "It's my job. Did you sleep?"
"No. Not much."
"Did you shower?"
"I did. I have a full day today don't I?"
"You do."
"Tell me. I don't remember."
"You have Leo in about five minutes."
"Right. What else?"
"Where do you want me to start?"
I get up from my desk and make my way to the door as Donna moves aside to let me pass. "Never mind. I'll just come back here and you can point me in the right direction."
"Whatever."
"What does that mean? "
"Nothing. Really, Josh. It means nothing. Just come back here when you're finished with Leo. I'll be waiting."
I return from my meeting with Leo to find her just as cold and professional as when I left her. Not that I expected her to be different. I understand why she's being so snippy today, I really do, but I feel powerless. I have no idea what to say to her now that I'm sober. It was so easy last night when I was under the influence and the words just slipped out. I kind of tune her out again because I'm remembering the way she looked last night when she found out I knew she'd heard me. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face. I know she wants me to say something now, I can sense it. She wants me to assure her that I really did say I love her, but I can't.
See, here's the thing, I'm an ass when it comes to women and I really have no idea how to treat them unless I'm being a smart-ass. Besides, no matter how much I want to take her somewhere right now and make wild, passionate love to her (and make no mistake, it would be that: wild, passionate and all consuming), I just can't. I decide it's better to just leave it alone for now. And it hurts her. I'm not so much of an ass that I don't see that.
"Josh. You're not listening to me again."
"I'm not. You're right."
"Well, I said The President wants you now. Right now."
"RIght. I need to make this copy and then I'm on my way."
She follows me to the copier.
"Josh, can we talk later?" I'm surprised she brings it up. I've been hoping she wouldn't.
"I don't know, Donna. I have a lot...."
"I know...to do today. Why do I bother asking?" I feel her eyes on me as I walk away from her.
____
Sam walks by the copier, sees me staring after Josh and then turns back to look at me while he gets a cup of coffee. I fear he's heard our exchange. He'll ask questions. Sam can never just leave something alone.
"So, what's up?"
"Nothing, why?"
"That look." Yep, he's heard our exchange. "You look...I don't know. Can't put my finger on it. Pensive? Yea. That's it. You look pensive and preoccupied. Maybe a little pissed."
"I'm just tired. All the excitement last night, you know."
"Something happened between you and Josh last night didn't it?"
Well, that was blunt. I blink a few times. How the hell does he know? "Who?"
"Josh. You know, that guy you work for. I sense a *thing* with you two today."
"A *thing*?"
"Yea. A *thing*."
"It's more like a *nothing*."
"No, I'm definitely sensing some tension between you two today. You know, a *thing*."
I shrug as I walk away. "Ask Josh".
The prospects of actually being able to talk to Josh about our mutual "confessions" last night are looking pretty slim. He's a ball of energy today, rushing here and there, going to meetings, and clearly ignoring me. Yep, he's definitely ignoring me, making sure there are no opportunities for us to be alone. He's afraid; I understand that. I do. But we can't just ignore what we said last night, can we? Now I'm thinking maybe he didn't mean he *loves* me loves me, you know? Maybe he meant he loves me as a friend. And I still don't know if he heard me tell him I love him, too. How the hell did we get into this mess?
____
7:30 P.M.
I walk into his office and sit in the chair opposite him. It's a few minutes before he looks up and I stare him down.
"What?" He looks tired, and maybe a little scared about what I might say.
"Joshua. We need to talk."
"Talk? About what?"
"About last night"
"Hey, wasn't that the name of a Rob Lowe movie? God...he's my favorite actor."
"Very funny, Josh."
"Yea, I crack myself up sometimes."
"I'm trying to be serious here, a word which, by the way, doesn't appear to be in your vocabulary. I give up. Honestly, Josh, I just give up."
I get up and walk out the door.
"Where are you going?" He yells after me.
"Home. I have plans tonight."
I sound mad. I'm not. Well, I am mad, but I'm mostly disappointed. But seriously, what did I expect? Roses and a diamond ring? Hardly. But a nice "Good morning, Donna, you're looking lovely today and oh, by the way, my feelings for you haven't changed since last night and I still love you," wouldn't have been out of line, would it? I really don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, you know, if he really meant that he *loves* me, loves me.
"Plans? You have plans. Tonight?" He seems incredulous at the prospect.
"Contrary to what you might think of me, Josh, I DO have a life away from here. And on rare occasion, such as tonight, I have things to do, people to see."
"Fine. Go home then."
Tears sting my eyes as I gather my things and leave. And not the same tears of joy I felt last night when I left him.
____
So. I let her leave without saying anything. Good move, Josh. Really good move. Things will never be the same between us again and it's all your fault. I lean back in my chair, rubbing the back of my neck. The headache from this morning shows no signs of letting up. I sit for hours, getting absolutely nothing done, finally realizing that we simply can't go through another day like today, and I'm the only one who can remedy it. It's now 1:00 in the morning and I find myself at her apartment, dialing her number on my cell phone.
____
I'm sitting on the couch in my best flannels, staring at late night TV and wondering why I can't sleep. But of course I know why I can't sleep. It's all so unresolved, and if every day is going to be like today it will never be resolved. I hate Josh tonight. I really, really do. I'm startled by the sound of the phone ringing and consider not answering it, but I'm one of those people who can't stand to let a phone go unanswered, so I pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey. What are you doing?"
"It's 1:00 in the morning, Josh. What do most people do when it's 1:00 in the morning?"
"You weren't sleeping were you? I mean you don't sound like you were sleeping and besides, I hear the TV."
"Josh."
"I'm outside. Can I come up? "
"No."
"Donna, please."
"Okay. But just for a minute."
He immediately knocks at my door, which I open.
"Um, hi. Okay, so I wasn't downstairs. I was right outside your door."
He has his hand on the door frame and is leaning in, looking around.
"There's no one here, Josh, if that's what you're looking for."
"I'm not. I was just...."
"You should go."
"I don't wanna go. I wanna come in. Can I come in?"
"I shouldn't let you in."
He smiles and does this little jumping thing he does sometimes when he's excited. He's acting 15, which isn't unusual for him. "Please? Pretty please"
I can't resist him when he's like this. He's so cute. Damn him. I motion him inside and close the door behind him.
"So, you want some coffee? Beer?"
"You're offering refreshments?"
"I am."
"Beer's good."
"You know where it is." There's no way I'm waiting on him.
He goes to the kitchen, calls to me. "Can I get you something?"
"A good stiff drink would be lovely."
"I'm sorry?"
"I'll have a beer, too." Something tells me I'm going to need alcohol
He comes back in the living room, starts to hand me my beer but I wave it off. I decide I don't really want it. He shrugs as he puts it down on the end table and sits on the couch, then settles in as if he intends to stay awhile. I'm still by the door, arms crossed over my chest.
"So, cold pizza." He's eyeing it ravenously. I know he's probably just left work and hasn't eaten anything.
"Help yourself."
He picks up a slice and starts chewing on it. "I thought you had plans."
"I did."
"Yea. So you said. Was it a date?"
"Maybe."
"Anyone I know?"
"Josh."
He puts up his hand. "Sorry. None of my business." Okay, so it wasn't a date, but I don't want him to know that. He looks around and sees my diary, lying open on the coffee table. "You've been writing in your diary."
"I have."
"I would have thought you'd given that up long ago, you know, after..."
"After Cliff, you mean. There's nothing in it that could even remotely be considered to be about the President."
He grins. "Did you write about me? Can I read it?"
"Josh. Don't start with me."
"Come on, tell me. Lemme read it." He sounds exasperated. He's trying to be his usual playful self. But his expression changes when he says, "Seriously, I came to apologize."
"Accepted." I put my hand on the door and open it. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Look, Donna. I was a total smart ass today."
"And this is different than any other day, how?"
He flinches a little. That one hurt. "See, the thing is...." He runs his hand through his hair and says, "Okay, wait, can you close the door and come and sit down? 'Cause you're making me nervous standing there by the door."
I take a deep breath, close the door and say, "Fine."
I sit down on the chair opposite him, hands folded in my lap, biting my lip. I feel like I'm in school and one of the nuns is going to yell at me. I have no idea what he's going to say, so I speak first.
"So, the *thing*."
"Thing?"
"You started to say, 'the thing is...;"
"Oh, that. The thing is...see, the thing is, Donna, I heard you last night, too. You know, just before you left."
My heart does this funny little flip thing in my chest. "You did? I mean, you weren't really sleeping?"
"No. I wasn't."
"But you were pretending to be."
"Yea. I was. I wanted to hear what you'd say if you thought I couldn't hear."
"So like you."
He looks at me for a long time, contemplating his next move. Finally he takes a deep breath.
"Donna, Donna, Donna. Donnatella, Donna, Donna."
Oh, nice, now he mocks me.
"Josh. What?"
"It's all so complicated, isn't it?"
"Does it have to be?"
"Yea, it has to be. All relationships are complicated. It's a fact of life."
"Then let's uncomplicate it."
"What? How?" His sounds disappointed.
"We can forget last night ever happened."
"Why would we want to do that?"
"Well, I just figured after the way you acted today that you wanted to forget about it."
"Donna. I don't. But we were at work. We can't go public with this thing yet."
"Ha. Everyone already knows."
He looks genuinely shocked. "What? They know? You told someone? Who did you tell?"
"I didn't tell anyone. But Sam knows. He grilled me about it today. They've all known for four years, you know. Unlike someone who's sitting in this room."
He's quiet for a minute, looking around confused, then looks at me, smiling. "Oh, you mean me? Ah, but, Donna, that's where you're wrong. I've known it all along."
He has?
"You have? I mean, you have, really? Josh."
"Sure. I just didn't *know* it, know it. But now that I really know it, I realize it's been there all along."
Thank God no one else hears this conversation. It would make them dizzy. It's making me dizzy.
"I see."
"It's just that it's complicated."
"So you said."
"Everything we do reflects on the President. You know that. I don't even know what the policy is for inter-office relationships. And besides, things are going to be crazy for awhile."
"No kidding. We'll be spending all our time at the office."
"Well, look at it this way, at least we'll be together."
"I'm not so sure that will be a good thing." I lie. It's the *best* thing.
"I don't think we should really pursue anything right now with all that's going on. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun. Think about it, Donna, the longing glances at the office, the *accidental* touches as I brush up against you at the copier, my face in your hair for just a split second. It'll be, you know, exciting, and titillating."
I consider this. "Titillating could be fun, yes."
"God, I've always wanted to use that word. I like it even better when you use it. Seriously, though, I know it's not fair for me to ask you to wait four years for me. It's an awfully long time."
"Do you really want me to wait?"
He nods. "Yea, I do."
Something about his tone and his softened expression takes all my anger away. "I'd wait forever for you, Josh. Even though you are an egotistical smart ass most of the time."
"Yea. I know. But admit it, it's part of my charm, isn't it?"
I smile. Because he's right. It is part of his charm. And I'm drawn to that about him. Call me crazy, I find it endearing and infuriating all at the same time. "Yes, Josh, it is definitely part of your charm."
He gets up from the couch and comes over to kneel in front of me, taking my hands in his. He looks up at me, eyes shining. "I love you, Donna. I really do love you.".
"I love you, too, Josh. I really do."
We stand up and he pulls me close. Oh God. Anticipation is such a wonderful thing. I want to freeze this moment forever. To always remember the look, the gleam in his eyes, the sweet smile on his face, and the nervous way he licks his lips as he puts his hands on either side of my face. "Can I kiss you? 'Cause if I don't I just might die. In fact I know I'll die. Right here in your apartment. See, the *real* thing is, Donnatella Moss, I've wanted to kiss you for so long. So, can I? Please?"
I smile, tears of happiness welling in my eyes. I think I see a few in his eyes, too. I think he's afraid I'll say no. I don't, of course. I sigh deeply, a long drawn out, relieved sigh. "Yes. Oh, yes, please."
He leans in, his hands in my hair, and my lips yield to his kiss, soft, warm, searching and oh-so-inviting.
So. I told her. I told her I love her. Jesus. What was I thinking? And, it gets worse. She told me she loves me, too, but I'm not sure she knows that I know that. And now I have to face her, sober, in the cold light of day. I'm actually dreading it as I walk down the hall to my office, and I know the headache throbbing in my temples isn't just from last night's overindulgence. She's not at her desk, and there are no signs that she's been there yet. It's not like her to be late. In fact, she's always here extremely early, and stays extremely late. Dedicated. Oh, yes. My precious Donnatella is nothing if not dedicated. I didn't lie to her. I do love her. Really I do. I'm just saying. I didn't mean to tell her last night. It just came out before I could stop myself.
I sit down at my desk and start to shuffle through some papers with one hand as I rub my temple with the other. I'm looking for a report I need for a meeting with Leo in about ten minutes. An important report; an important meeting. I can't find it anywhere and I'm really in no mood to go looking for it.
"Donna!!" I yell even though I know she isn't here.
"I'm right here, Josh."
I jump, because I have no idea where she's come from. I look up at her, briefly, because I'm afraid to make eye contact. "Oh, sorry. Where the hell did you come from? "
"Venus, Josh. I came from Venus. I'm a Goddess, you know."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"Where's....."
She hands me the report along with three Advil. She's always had this innate ability to know exactly what I need before I ask for it. And she's always there with it. I don't think she's ever let me down. She's really the perfect assistant. I can't imagine my life without her. I look up at her again, a vision in lavender. Those perky little breasts taunting me again from under her sweater, her long blonde hair hanging over her shoulders, not pulled back as it so often is. She's killing me. She really is. I finally get up the nerve to look into her eyes. She looks tired, but hopeful. And did I mention beautiful? Well, in case I forgot, she looks beautiful.
"How do you do that?"
She shrugs. "It's my job. Did you sleep?"
"No. Not much."
"Did you shower?"
"I did. I have a full day today don't I?"
"You do."
"Tell me. I don't remember."
"You have Leo in about five minutes."
"Right. What else?"
"Where do you want me to start?"
I get up from my desk and make my way to the door as Donna moves aside to let me pass. "Never mind. I'll just come back here and you can point me in the right direction."
"Whatever."
"What does that mean? "
"Nothing. Really, Josh. It means nothing. Just come back here when you're finished with Leo. I'll be waiting."
I return from my meeting with Leo to find her just as cold and professional as when I left her. Not that I expected her to be different. I understand why she's being so snippy today, I really do, but I feel powerless. I have no idea what to say to her now that I'm sober. It was so easy last night when I was under the influence and the words just slipped out. I kind of tune her out again because I'm remembering the way she looked last night when she found out I knew she'd heard me. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on her face. I know she wants me to say something now, I can sense it. She wants me to assure her that I really did say I love her, but I can't.
See, here's the thing, I'm an ass when it comes to women and I really have no idea how to treat them unless I'm being a smart-ass. Besides, no matter how much I want to take her somewhere right now and make wild, passionate love to her (and make no mistake, it would be that: wild, passionate and all consuming), I just can't. I decide it's better to just leave it alone for now. And it hurts her. I'm not so much of an ass that I don't see that.
"Josh. You're not listening to me again."
"I'm not. You're right."
"Well, I said The President wants you now. Right now."
"RIght. I need to make this copy and then I'm on my way."
She follows me to the copier.
"Josh, can we talk later?" I'm surprised she brings it up. I've been hoping she wouldn't.
"I don't know, Donna. I have a lot...."
"I know...to do today. Why do I bother asking?" I feel her eyes on me as I walk away from her.
____
Sam walks by the copier, sees me staring after Josh and then turns back to look at me while he gets a cup of coffee. I fear he's heard our exchange. He'll ask questions. Sam can never just leave something alone.
"So, what's up?"
"Nothing, why?"
"That look." Yep, he's heard our exchange. "You look...I don't know. Can't put my finger on it. Pensive? Yea. That's it. You look pensive and preoccupied. Maybe a little pissed."
"I'm just tired. All the excitement last night, you know."
"Something happened between you and Josh last night didn't it?"
Well, that was blunt. I blink a few times. How the hell does he know? "Who?"
"Josh. You know, that guy you work for. I sense a *thing* with you two today."
"A *thing*?"
"Yea. A *thing*."
"It's more like a *nothing*."
"No, I'm definitely sensing some tension between you two today. You know, a *thing*."
I shrug as I walk away. "Ask Josh".
The prospects of actually being able to talk to Josh about our mutual "confessions" last night are looking pretty slim. He's a ball of energy today, rushing here and there, going to meetings, and clearly ignoring me. Yep, he's definitely ignoring me, making sure there are no opportunities for us to be alone. He's afraid; I understand that. I do. But we can't just ignore what we said last night, can we? Now I'm thinking maybe he didn't mean he *loves* me loves me, you know? Maybe he meant he loves me as a friend. And I still don't know if he heard me tell him I love him, too. How the hell did we get into this mess?
____
7:30 P.M.
I walk into his office and sit in the chair opposite him. It's a few minutes before he looks up and I stare him down.
"What?" He looks tired, and maybe a little scared about what I might say.
"Joshua. We need to talk."
"Talk? About what?"
"About last night"
"Hey, wasn't that the name of a Rob Lowe movie? God...he's my favorite actor."
"Very funny, Josh."
"Yea, I crack myself up sometimes."
"I'm trying to be serious here, a word which, by the way, doesn't appear to be in your vocabulary. I give up. Honestly, Josh, I just give up."
I get up and walk out the door.
"Where are you going?" He yells after me.
"Home. I have plans tonight."
I sound mad. I'm not. Well, I am mad, but I'm mostly disappointed. But seriously, what did I expect? Roses and a diamond ring? Hardly. But a nice "Good morning, Donna, you're looking lovely today and oh, by the way, my feelings for you haven't changed since last night and I still love you," wouldn't have been out of line, would it? I really don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, you know, if he really meant that he *loves* me, loves me.
"Plans? You have plans. Tonight?" He seems incredulous at the prospect.
"Contrary to what you might think of me, Josh, I DO have a life away from here. And on rare occasion, such as tonight, I have things to do, people to see."
"Fine. Go home then."
Tears sting my eyes as I gather my things and leave. And not the same tears of joy I felt last night when I left him.
____
So. I let her leave without saying anything. Good move, Josh. Really good move. Things will never be the same between us again and it's all your fault. I lean back in my chair, rubbing the back of my neck. The headache from this morning shows no signs of letting up. I sit for hours, getting absolutely nothing done, finally realizing that we simply can't go through another day like today, and I'm the only one who can remedy it. It's now 1:00 in the morning and I find myself at her apartment, dialing her number on my cell phone.
____
I'm sitting on the couch in my best flannels, staring at late night TV and wondering why I can't sleep. But of course I know why I can't sleep. It's all so unresolved, and if every day is going to be like today it will never be resolved. I hate Josh tonight. I really, really do. I'm startled by the sound of the phone ringing and consider not answering it, but I'm one of those people who can't stand to let a phone go unanswered, so I pick it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey. What are you doing?"
"It's 1:00 in the morning, Josh. What do most people do when it's 1:00 in the morning?"
"You weren't sleeping were you? I mean you don't sound like you were sleeping and besides, I hear the TV."
"Josh."
"I'm outside. Can I come up? "
"No."
"Donna, please."
"Okay. But just for a minute."
He immediately knocks at my door, which I open.
"Um, hi. Okay, so I wasn't downstairs. I was right outside your door."
He has his hand on the door frame and is leaning in, looking around.
"There's no one here, Josh, if that's what you're looking for."
"I'm not. I was just...."
"You should go."
"I don't wanna go. I wanna come in. Can I come in?"
"I shouldn't let you in."
He smiles and does this little jumping thing he does sometimes when he's excited. He's acting 15, which isn't unusual for him. "Please? Pretty please"
I can't resist him when he's like this. He's so cute. Damn him. I motion him inside and close the door behind him.
"So, you want some coffee? Beer?"
"You're offering refreshments?"
"I am."
"Beer's good."
"You know where it is." There's no way I'm waiting on him.
He goes to the kitchen, calls to me. "Can I get you something?"
"A good stiff drink would be lovely."
"I'm sorry?"
"I'll have a beer, too." Something tells me I'm going to need alcohol
He comes back in the living room, starts to hand me my beer but I wave it off. I decide I don't really want it. He shrugs as he puts it down on the end table and sits on the couch, then settles in as if he intends to stay awhile. I'm still by the door, arms crossed over my chest.
"So, cold pizza." He's eyeing it ravenously. I know he's probably just left work and hasn't eaten anything.
"Help yourself."
He picks up a slice and starts chewing on it. "I thought you had plans."
"I did."
"Yea. So you said. Was it a date?"
"Maybe."
"Anyone I know?"
"Josh."
He puts up his hand. "Sorry. None of my business." Okay, so it wasn't a date, but I don't want him to know that. He looks around and sees my diary, lying open on the coffee table. "You've been writing in your diary."
"I have."
"I would have thought you'd given that up long ago, you know, after..."
"After Cliff, you mean. There's nothing in it that could even remotely be considered to be about the President."
He grins. "Did you write about me? Can I read it?"
"Josh. Don't start with me."
"Come on, tell me. Lemme read it." He sounds exasperated. He's trying to be his usual playful self. But his expression changes when he says, "Seriously, I came to apologize."
"Accepted." I put my hand on the door and open it. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Look, Donna. I was a total smart ass today."
"And this is different than any other day, how?"
He flinches a little. That one hurt. "See, the thing is...." He runs his hand through his hair and says, "Okay, wait, can you close the door and come and sit down? 'Cause you're making me nervous standing there by the door."
I take a deep breath, close the door and say, "Fine."
I sit down on the chair opposite him, hands folded in my lap, biting my lip. I feel like I'm in school and one of the nuns is going to yell at me. I have no idea what he's going to say, so I speak first.
"So, the *thing*."
"Thing?"
"You started to say, 'the thing is...;"
"Oh, that. The thing is...see, the thing is, Donna, I heard you last night, too. You know, just before you left."
My heart does this funny little flip thing in my chest. "You did? I mean, you weren't really sleeping?"
"No. I wasn't."
"But you were pretending to be."
"Yea. I was. I wanted to hear what you'd say if you thought I couldn't hear."
"So like you."
He looks at me for a long time, contemplating his next move. Finally he takes a deep breath.
"Donna, Donna, Donna. Donnatella, Donna, Donna."
Oh, nice, now he mocks me.
"Josh. What?"
"It's all so complicated, isn't it?"
"Does it have to be?"
"Yea, it has to be. All relationships are complicated. It's a fact of life."
"Then let's uncomplicate it."
"What? How?" His sounds disappointed.
"We can forget last night ever happened."
"Why would we want to do that?"
"Well, I just figured after the way you acted today that you wanted to forget about it."
"Donna. I don't. But we were at work. We can't go public with this thing yet."
"Ha. Everyone already knows."
He looks genuinely shocked. "What? They know? You told someone? Who did you tell?"
"I didn't tell anyone. But Sam knows. He grilled me about it today. They've all known for four years, you know. Unlike someone who's sitting in this room."
He's quiet for a minute, looking around confused, then looks at me, smiling. "Oh, you mean me? Ah, but, Donna, that's where you're wrong. I've known it all along."
He has?
"You have? I mean, you have, really? Josh."
"Sure. I just didn't *know* it, know it. But now that I really know it, I realize it's been there all along."
Thank God no one else hears this conversation. It would make them dizzy. It's making me dizzy.
"I see."
"It's just that it's complicated."
"So you said."
"Everything we do reflects on the President. You know that. I don't even know what the policy is for inter-office relationships. And besides, things are going to be crazy for awhile."
"No kidding. We'll be spending all our time at the office."
"Well, look at it this way, at least we'll be together."
"I'm not so sure that will be a good thing." I lie. It's the *best* thing.
"I don't think we should really pursue anything right now with all that's going on. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun. Think about it, Donna, the longing glances at the office, the *accidental* touches as I brush up against you at the copier, my face in your hair for just a split second. It'll be, you know, exciting, and titillating."
I consider this. "Titillating could be fun, yes."
"God, I've always wanted to use that word. I like it even better when you use it. Seriously, though, I know it's not fair for me to ask you to wait four years for me. It's an awfully long time."
"Do you really want me to wait?"
He nods. "Yea, I do."
Something about his tone and his softened expression takes all my anger away. "I'd wait forever for you, Josh. Even though you are an egotistical smart ass most of the time."
"Yea. I know. But admit it, it's part of my charm, isn't it?"
I smile. Because he's right. It is part of his charm. And I'm drawn to that about him. Call me crazy, I find it endearing and infuriating all at the same time. "Yes, Josh, it is definitely part of your charm."
He gets up from the couch and comes over to kneel in front of me, taking my hands in his. He looks up at me, eyes shining. "I love you, Donna. I really do love you.".
"I love you, too, Josh. I really do."
We stand up and he pulls me close. Oh God. Anticipation is such a wonderful thing. I want to freeze this moment forever. To always remember the look, the gleam in his eyes, the sweet smile on his face, and the nervous way he licks his lips as he puts his hands on either side of my face. "Can I kiss you? 'Cause if I don't I just might die. In fact I know I'll die. Right here in your apartment. See, the *real* thing is, Donnatella Moss, I've wanted to kiss you for so long. So, can I? Please?"
I smile, tears of happiness welling in my eyes. I think I see a few in his eyes, too. I think he's afraid I'll say no. I don't, of course. I sigh deeply, a long drawn out, relieved sigh. "Yes. Oh, yes, please."
He leans in, his hands in my hair, and my lips yield to his kiss, soft, warm, searching and oh-so-inviting.