Saturday, February 14th
9:03 AM
Jas has just rung me to wish me a happy Valentine's day. Tom has already been by to serenade her.
Oh God, it is the most depressing day in the world and I am a widow (ish). How did I forget that I was to spend the entire day weeping and playing on my lute, singing sad songs?! Although I don't have a lute.
Why hasn't SG called me yet? He has already forgotten me, I know. He probably has a new girlfriend, and he tells her stories about how my basoomas bonked him in the nose all the time.
9:34
Georgia says we are all going out dancing to night, but I refuse. I'm staying home and wearing black. Because I am still mourning get it? Still, it would be nice to go out and shake my bon bon. But I assure you and baby Jesus that Rob would NOT approve.
10:17
Rob has called! He said "Hello sexkitten, I've sent Tom by with some kitty treats for you. He should be there soon. Have a lovely day!"
And then he hung up. That's it. I'm vair vair confused but I expect that Tom will be bringing something tres romantique. Oh let's hope so, I could use some chocolate.
10:30
Tom came, I think. Vati found a box on the doorstep. "Oh isn't that nice of Jas to do." Just because he is elderly it does not mean he can show such disrespect. I told him this. He told me that I looked like a racoon. I cried with mascara on last night as I thought it would be more dramatic to have mascara running down my cheeks. Unfortunately, my waterproof mascara really is waterproof.
Contents of Box: One box of chocolates (Oh yum. He must be my psychic soul sistah), One teddy bear holding a heart that says, "I'm Beary much in love with you," One yellow rose, a Polaroid camera, and a letter.
Here is that most blessed of letters.
Darling Georgia, Well here I am. It's very warm here. We've been busy, so I've hardly any time to write this. But I love you more than the Pope hates Catholics, as you say. I love the way you look at me when I sing, I love the way you sneeze, and I love the way you smell. I hope you have a wonderful valentines day, out dancing and laughing it up with your girlfriends. I've sent the camera so you can show me what you've been up to on this day when we really ought to be together. Georgia I cannot wait to see you again
Lovingly and adoringly,
Rob
Adoringly? Didn't Vati use that word the other day? Anyways, it is a beautiful letter. And the camera idea is very romantic. I bet he even made it up himself, instead of getting it from a magazine! I suppose this means I HAVE to go dancing. Time to call Jas.
10:41
But why didn't he send me a RED rose? Does this mean he doesn't love me anymore? Oh dear Gord I really am going to end up lost and alone, floating in some creek with rose petals strewn around.
12:36
Jas has come over and pointed out to me that the word love appeared five times in his letter. So everything is alright. I no longer have to commit hari kari. Preparation time has begun. Tonight I shall clothe my dear self in TIGHT brown "leather" pants, and a white shirt with a sparkly pink heart. Tres sexy, non? Jas has told me she has a surprise for me but she won't tell me what it is until later. Anyhoo, must start with the facemasks and hair rollers now that outfit has been planned.
5:13
I was about to start on my makeup when Jas showed me her surprise: Champagne! She stole it from her grandmother. We are going to drink it and be glamorous rebels. I have been inspired to do my eye makeup a little darker.
5:43
Champagne ish shoooo good. Jas was shoooo nice to brinng id. I lub her so much. Jas and me are going to have a speshul friendship ceremony. We are going to danz and shing and then we will do the speshul frindship smooch. Then we arrr going to place ongion rings on hour fingurs.
6:03
Jas and me are merried now. We'arr goin to the club and show our luff to the world. Not that kinda luff though, we'arr'n't lezzers, but weeee lurv each other like mothur and sistur. Hrrrrmmm firsht some more champagne! Note to beotiful self: Do no furget camera.
9:0 Ha ha everybody is so shilly and they dance like ostrijes. Jas and I are dancing like elephants who lub eachudder veby mush. Ooh everybody looks at us admirir .. Idmirer ..edmiruringly.
February 15th
11:19 AM
Augh! My head hurts a lot. Why do I stink of onions? And why is Jas lying on my floor wearing lib's knickers? One on each leg? Oog.
11:30
I have found pieces of onion around my wrists and ankles. Rosie just called. I think now would be a good time to kill myself.
Apparently last night Jas and I danced as if we were two old men on female hormones. I sat on Dave the L's lap and sucked on his ear, murmuring, "Do you think if we went on Broadway we would be rich? I could be a naked dancing girl." He seemed to enjoy this very much, as I found a LOVE BITE one my shoulder, as proof. Which really was quite nice of him, considering that no one else would go near Jas and me, but him, because we reeked of a certain je ne sais quoi. Actually, I know quoi; it was onions and cheap champagne. (Actually Tom tried to take Jas home but she bit his shin and insisted on repeatedy twirling around him in circles, singing "I am a poo fairy, a poo fairy, a poo fairy," and patting his bum.) Oh God, oh Goddy God God. I am a skanky whatsit -a tramp. I am made of floozy fruit, not not- til-we-marry berry! Oooooh, Rob will divor -er, I mean dump me, if he ever hears of this.
11:34
Jas has finally woken up. She is sitting on the floor weeping. Not because of my tragedy though, oh no. She is, as usual, only concerned with her problems. And that is that she cheated on Tom last night. With moi. In our friendship ceremony. I swear to God, it was only a little peck on the cheek. She is such a lezzie in denial. Perhaps I ought to give her some champagne to cheer her up.
On second thought, that's probably not a bon idea.
11:36
Oh God, the photos. They are nowhere to be found.
11:38
Rosie says Jas and I finally fled, screaming about basooma-munching mangos, and ran across the street to the post office, where we mailed a package, with lipstick all over it. Oh sweet mother of Moses.
9:03 AM
Jas has just rung me to wish me a happy Valentine's day. Tom has already been by to serenade her.
Oh God, it is the most depressing day in the world and I am a widow (ish). How did I forget that I was to spend the entire day weeping and playing on my lute, singing sad songs?! Although I don't have a lute.
Why hasn't SG called me yet? He has already forgotten me, I know. He probably has a new girlfriend, and he tells her stories about how my basoomas bonked him in the nose all the time.
9:34
Georgia says we are all going out dancing to night, but I refuse. I'm staying home and wearing black. Because I am still mourning get it? Still, it would be nice to go out and shake my bon bon. But I assure you and baby Jesus that Rob would NOT approve.
10:17
Rob has called! He said "Hello sexkitten, I've sent Tom by with some kitty treats for you. He should be there soon. Have a lovely day!"
And then he hung up. That's it. I'm vair vair confused but I expect that Tom will be bringing something tres romantique. Oh let's hope so, I could use some chocolate.
10:30
Tom came, I think. Vati found a box on the doorstep. "Oh isn't that nice of Jas to do." Just because he is elderly it does not mean he can show such disrespect. I told him this. He told me that I looked like a racoon. I cried with mascara on last night as I thought it would be more dramatic to have mascara running down my cheeks. Unfortunately, my waterproof mascara really is waterproof.
Contents of Box: One box of chocolates (Oh yum. He must be my psychic soul sistah), One teddy bear holding a heart that says, "I'm Beary much in love with you," One yellow rose, a Polaroid camera, and a letter.
Here is that most blessed of letters.
Darling Georgia, Well here I am. It's very warm here. We've been busy, so I've hardly any time to write this. But I love you more than the Pope hates Catholics, as you say. I love the way you look at me when I sing, I love the way you sneeze, and I love the way you smell. I hope you have a wonderful valentines day, out dancing and laughing it up with your girlfriends. I've sent the camera so you can show me what you've been up to on this day when we really ought to be together. Georgia I cannot wait to see you again
Lovingly and adoringly,
Rob
Adoringly? Didn't Vati use that word the other day? Anyways, it is a beautiful letter. And the camera idea is very romantic. I bet he even made it up himself, instead of getting it from a magazine! I suppose this means I HAVE to go dancing. Time to call Jas.
10:41
But why didn't he send me a RED rose? Does this mean he doesn't love me anymore? Oh dear Gord I really am going to end up lost and alone, floating in some creek with rose petals strewn around.
12:36
Jas has come over and pointed out to me that the word love appeared five times in his letter. So everything is alright. I no longer have to commit hari kari. Preparation time has begun. Tonight I shall clothe my dear self in TIGHT brown "leather" pants, and a white shirt with a sparkly pink heart. Tres sexy, non? Jas has told me she has a surprise for me but she won't tell me what it is until later. Anyhoo, must start with the facemasks and hair rollers now that outfit has been planned.
5:13
I was about to start on my makeup when Jas showed me her surprise: Champagne! She stole it from her grandmother. We are going to drink it and be glamorous rebels. I have been inspired to do my eye makeup a little darker.
5:43
Champagne ish shoooo good. Jas was shoooo nice to brinng id. I lub her so much. Jas and me are going to have a speshul friendship ceremony. We are going to danz and shing and then we will do the speshul frindship smooch. Then we arrr going to place ongion rings on hour fingurs.
6:03
Jas and me are merried now. We'arr goin to the club and show our luff to the world. Not that kinda luff though, we'arr'n't lezzers, but weeee lurv each other like mothur and sistur. Hrrrrmmm firsht some more champagne! Note to beotiful self: Do no furget camera.
9:0 Ha ha everybody is so shilly and they dance like ostrijes. Jas and I are dancing like elephants who lub eachudder veby mush. Ooh everybody looks at us admirir .. Idmirer ..edmiruringly.
February 15th
11:19 AM
Augh! My head hurts a lot. Why do I stink of onions? And why is Jas lying on my floor wearing lib's knickers? One on each leg? Oog.
11:30
I have found pieces of onion around my wrists and ankles. Rosie just called. I think now would be a good time to kill myself.
Apparently last night Jas and I danced as if we were two old men on female hormones. I sat on Dave the L's lap and sucked on his ear, murmuring, "Do you think if we went on Broadway we would be rich? I could be a naked dancing girl." He seemed to enjoy this very much, as I found a LOVE BITE one my shoulder, as proof. Which really was quite nice of him, considering that no one else would go near Jas and me, but him, because we reeked of a certain je ne sais quoi. Actually, I know quoi; it was onions and cheap champagne. (Actually Tom tried to take Jas home but she bit his shin and insisted on repeatedy twirling around him in circles, singing "I am a poo fairy, a poo fairy, a poo fairy," and patting his bum.) Oh God, oh Goddy God God. I am a skanky whatsit -a tramp. I am made of floozy fruit, not not- til-we-marry berry! Oooooh, Rob will divor -er, I mean dump me, if he ever hears of this.
11:34
Jas has finally woken up. She is sitting on the floor weeping. Not because of my tragedy though, oh no. She is, as usual, only concerned with her problems. And that is that she cheated on Tom last night. With moi. In our friendship ceremony. I swear to God, it was only a little peck on the cheek. She is such a lezzie in denial. Perhaps I ought to give her some champagne to cheer her up.
On second thought, that's probably not a bon idea.
11:36
Oh God, the photos. They are nowhere to be found.
11:38
Rosie says Jas and I finally fled, screaming about basooma-munching mangos, and ran across the street to the post office, where we mailed a package, with lipstick all over it. Oh sweet mother of Moses.