Disclaimer: Fruits Basket does NOT belong to me! I just admire it. ^^
by Ozaki Amaya
...The family secret... They wouldn't want me writing about it... If someone outside the family saw this, I don't know what they'd do to me, but it wouldn't be good...
I'm going crazy by myself... I need an outlet... Maybe I'll write a story... A biography... Oh, I don't know... This is the first time I really bothered to take a pen to paper and write my thoughts... I'm tired of merely thinking about this... So I'm going to write about it...
The family secret is something our family tries to deny within itself... So much effort is taken to covering it up. Some might say my family is paranoid... Some would say they're merely cautious... I say they're causing me pain by keeping me here, away from everyone. Do you know what happens to people when they're alone? They go crazy... I nearly thought I would a few times... Maybe I have gone crazy... I wouldn't be surprised...
Who wouldn't go crazy if he were forced to live in the library alone? Who wouldn't be crazy if he lived in complete shame, and hid his face from the light for his entire life?
But who would want to know us if they knew about our curse? Who would want to know me if they knew... if they found out... I'm a demon...? They would scream. They would run away. They'd try to destroy me...
Could I blame them? ...Not even my family wants to know me... I wish I didn't know myself... But I'm forced to live with this... to hide my monstrous face... I feel like Frankenstein's monster... No, I was not made by the hands of a man from dead tissue... But if I had been, I wouldn't be any more ugly than I am in my true form...
No, not even my family wants me... I am the worst of them... they, who can never love anyone of the opposite sex outside of each other, because it's forbidden... forbidden by their bodies... by their bodies and by my body... Forbidden because we are cursed... Cursed by the bodies and the spirits of animals of the Juunishi... of which I am not even a part. I am the worst of them... Lucky number 13... an outcast in my own family...
And so I hide from the light... I hide from normal people... physically, emotionally... I am alone... Forever will be alone...
If it weren't for these books, I probably would have lost it a long time ago...
---Entry 2---
I have to leave this place... I can't stand it anymore... I've almost run out of books to read, things to occupy my time, my mind... I feel like I'm in a cage... This isn't as much of a cage is they would have wanted for me... I have access to brilliant works of art and literature... I'm sure they don't know half of what I do, or they wouldn't have me locked up in here...
I feel like an animal... It's true, though... I am an animal... Part of me, that is... A cat... Cats should never be caged... We should be free... Cats are independent by nature, yes... Independent... meaning they can take care of themselves... But a cat should have a pal. Everyone should have a pal. It gets awfully lonely without one... I've never had one... Not one... Everyone tiptoes around me as if I'm going to lash out and kill at any given moment... Maybe if they hadn't locked me up here, they wouldn't have anything to be afraid of...
One day, they'll wake up, and I will be nowhere to be found... I'll make a plan... Yes, that will occupy my mind... An escape plan... And they will be frightened out of their minds... "Oh no!!" they'll exclaim with trepidation, "The monster is loose! What will become of the world?!"
Well, while you guys are so caught up in your little world of "hide me, I'm so ashamed", I will enter the world, and be free. Don't worry; I have my own secret to hide...
"Never take off your beads," my mother said... And then she trapped me in this room... Didn't she know that I would explore? Didn't she know that I would take the beads off, just to see what happened?
Well, I did... one day... and I frightened myself... I never took the beads off again...
Do you really think I'd let anyone else see that? Do you really think I would be so foolish? I know what they would think of me... I know what they would do... I read Frankenstein... In that condition, I would be forced to live my life alone, and the only friend I would ever have would be a blind man.
---Entry 3---
I heard the most beautiful music today. I have no idea who it was that was playing, or what song, but it was the most beautifully mournful piece I have ever heard.
There is a piano in here that I sometimes play on. I taught myself to read music from some of the books in here... It really is an extensive library. Having to grow up in this library isn't so incredibly horrible sometimes... I have more time than anyone else my age, that's for sure...
I sometimes play things on the piano. Out of boredom, I've written a few songs, but they aren't too special... Not when compared to what it was that I heard today... Euphony...
...So my plan is made. I have managed to find all the necessary materials within this library. I managed to find some tote bags here... Hopefully I will be able to bring some of my favourite books, and my journal (my new-found best friend), my songs, and some other various mementos. Having read the old texts on how one should behave in society, I feel I am ready to enter the world... Albeit, nothing one reads in a book is exactly like real life, and is therefore skewed, but having read so many books, having learned so many things and done so much with my time here, I feel I could not be more prepared without actually having been out of this house. Given what I have had, I am as prepared as I will ever get.
There are a few windows above the bookshelves. Climbing the ladders from the bookshelves is enough to get to the windows. It, however, is quite a long fall to the ground from these windows, but I've created a method to enable myself to climb down. Inside my desk, I found a bunch of metal things, such as paperclips, which I took several of and twisted and bent them together to make very strong hooks. I also found plenty of string, which I wove together to make some stronger rope. I took the drawers out of my desk, and took them apart. The fronts of the drawers I whittled into wheels that I plan on using for pulleys. I haven't drilled holes into them yet, but I plan on doing that, and putting bent and twisted, strength-enforced paperclips through those holes and attach them to hooks, somewhat like this:
drawing of a pulley
On the lower end, I intend to attach a stack of books, which I will have taped together, with another hook. I will lower them out the window, and to the ground. I will repeat this until I have enough books to climb down. Hopefully it will be sturdy enough... I will have to use all the big books, too... but there are plenty of those.
I think this will really work!! I'll escape at night, of course... I think they underestimate my intelligence, but that's a good thing, in this case... I'll finally be free... Finally...
---Entry 4---
I plan on leaving tomorrow night. I had a little trouble attaching the hook from the pulley to the ceiling, but I decided to attach it to the ladder instead. I did a mock run last night, with all the inside stuff. I am glad, for this purpose, that I have a cat's vision in the night. This is going to work!
...I am feeling a little nervous, however, but... I can't stay here all my life. I can't let them trap me here. Not like this, not like now, when I've run out of books. This planning has kept me occupied of late, though. I am glad for that. It's amazing what one can do when he sets his mind to it.
The next time I write, I will be free...
...It just occurred to me that I will need money... I will have to figure out a way of obtaining some before my departure... I will think of something... But I do not want to enter the rest of the house. If I encounter someone, I am afraid of what I might do to him... All of them know I'm here... They are at least gracious enough to feed me daily... Or maybe they don't even bother with that... They just leave that up to the servants... I'd rather not think of that...
I will think of something... else...
---Entry 5---
I got one of the servants to get money for me. It was actually kind of fun. He came to give me my lunch today, and I grabbed his arm and pulled him into the room. He looked horrified. "You've heard the stories about me, haven't you? About my... condition?" I asked menacingly. He said he had. I threatened that if he didn't produce a large amount of cash from me, gathered from all of my family members in the deep of night tonight, I would take his life. I need not say that I would never take anyone's life, especially the unknowing servants... I just needed something that would get him force him into acquiescence. I shall see at two o'clock in the morning if this method was successful. Hopefully he isn't the kind of servant who will tell my family head the goings on in this room. In case of that, I have hidden all my materials. I will retrieve them from their hiding places tonight, when I make to leave.
The next time I write, I will either be in a monetary dilemma, or I will be free. I hope it is the latter...
...But I realise now it may not be any better... I'll be the same person, with the same curse... with the same secret... It makes me wonder if death wouldn't be better... but I think I don't want to run away from my life. That's the most important thing. My life. It's all I have...
Author's note:
Sorry if you find some of these entries to
be long and boring... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed to a decent extent getting to know
my character Ozaki Amaya (from whom my pen name comes).
Any suggestions, constructive criticisms, and comments are welcome!! ^^