Title: Kaede Jr.
Author: me, of course...
Yadda, yadda, yadda...
Author's Blahs:
How do I start? I just read the reviews, and it made me sooooo happy. Those were very nice things you said, and it really kept me going. Thanks a lot, minna! I mean it. ^_^
*Aki-chan dances around with a pair of maracas*
DiSCLaimerS:
Slam Dunk, of course, isn't mine. But I wouldn't mind if it was... ^_^
--------------------------------------------
Kaede Jr.
Chapter Five: Okay, Truce
It was just one stupid trophy.
It was just the medals which I worked so hard for.
It was just the photos of my former teams.
Those were just the things that could have made my family, my friends, and my teammates proud. Those were just the things that could have made my brother proud of me.
Those were just mere things. Destroyed. Scattered on my carpeted floor.
/Get out./
Each word must have been a lash to him.
/Get out before I say things that I'm sure I wouldn't even regret./
There were a lot of things I wanted to say. Some painful, some spiteful. All I could see were just my broken treasures. Those were all I have. My medals and everything. Basketball is the only thing I'm good at. Those were the evidences.
And he destroyed them.
All I could feel was the loss.
I didn't even think of what *he* would feel.
Some big brother. No wonder he never looked up to you. No wonder he never liked you. All you do is to berate his puny existence.
And now look at the mess you did.
I'm sorry, Kae-chan.
"Kae-chan!" Sendoh called out. He was wearing my clothes which my mother gave him. I could remember that look in his eyes when he saw how harsh I've been to Kaede. I could remember that look in his eyes when he told me the worth of the battered trophies. I could remember the knowing look in his eyes when I told him that we *must* find my brother. He knows... he knows how sorry I am.
I could remember the harsh words I said to him...
/Shut up, Sendoh, and for once stop trying to make up for what mess that little heathen did./
It was not only for him, but also for my parents.
How could I have said that?
It was just mere *things*.
How could I have hurt my brother like that?
I am the world's greatest jerk. No, jerk is too forgiving. I am an asshole. A pure, unadulterated asshole. I've always been one. I don't deserve such family. I don't deserve someone like Sendoh. All they ever do is to try to make me happy, and all I ever do is to scoff at their efforts and push them away.
Because I'm cool.
Because I'm the Ice Prince.
Cool Ice Prince my ass.
What you are, Rukawa Kaede, is one major bastard.
Okaasan and Otousan, though they never told me directly, were very disappointed in me. They just stayed quiet about what happened, calmly telling us that we should split up and look for Kaede. I wish they just shouted at me. I can't stand that sad look they gave me when we parted.
All these years, I've plotted a way to get away from all of them, thinking that they were all too crazy for the likes of me. I thought that I never really belong in our family. They were all so happy about everything. I never really appreciated Otousan's wonderful cooking, nor my okaasan's overprotectiveness. I only noticed how childish or how annoying they could be. I've always thought that they're the unfitting parents for the calm, cool, Ice Prince.
Not once have I thought that they must have loved me and my brother very much, despite everything. Not once have I thought that I have the best family one could ever have. Not once have I realized-
How much *I* love them.
Until now.
All these years, I thought that won those trophies, those medals, those honors because I want it. I thought I wanted to be the best for myself. But all along, the reason why I was striving to be so hard is because I wanted to make my family proud. Those things that Kaede accidentally destroyed... they're not for me.
They're for *them*.
Maybe that's why I was so hurt when I saw those broken.
I must have been a very selfish person because all I think about is myself. My pain. My suffering. My loss.
I never thought about them.
I'm so sorry, Okaasan, Otousan.
I'm so sorry, Kaede.
"Hey, Kaede, we'll find him, don't worry," Sen- Akira assured me. I don't deserve him, too. How can he like me, when I've been so cold to him since the start?
My feelings for him... those funny feelings I get whenever he's near... those which I've mistaken for hunger, or humidity, or whatever, I realize now what those feelings are. I realize now that-
I like him, too.
He's the best friend I've got. He knows me probably better than I know myself. He still accepted me, even though I'm not the friendliest, or the nicest guy around. He still accepted me despite my innumerable flaws.
I now know why I'm always thinking of him. Why he's always on my mind. I now know why he affects me deeply. Why I think he's the most gorgeous guy on earth while wearing a sweaty shirt and worn out shorts.
I like him.
I love him.
Heaven help me. I'm in love with Sendoh Akira.
Could he still like me, even after what I did? He told me how much he valued family. Look at me. Am I someone who valued his family? Yeah, right.
Akira is a better brother than me. He's a better son than me.
"Kaede, you're probably berating yourself," Akira said as he stopped running (yes, we're running around), and looked at me. He firmly held my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes. Butterflies- no- eagles fluttered around my stomach at his intense gaze. "It'll be alright. Kae-chan will be fine."
"I did it, Akira," I found myself saying. "I made him run away. I'm the world's lousiest brother."
"No, you're not," he said. "You're just mad earlier. I'm sure you didn't mean to say those things."
"But I did."
"Then you said it out of anger."
"Demo-"
He gave an impatient sigh, rolled his eyes and shook me hard. "You are the densest person I've ever met," he remarked.
I stared at him. Here I was, sharing my anxieties and deepest sorrows with the man I like (love?), and he rolls his eyes at me and tells me I'm dense.
Should I take back what I said about that love thing?
"You don't even know how good a brother you are," he said. I gave him a blank stare. He shook his head. "Kaede, I don't know how I would make you realize what I've said. But just think about this, okay?"
I nodded.
"If you were a lousy brother, then you wouldn't even be running like a madman around Kanagawa looking for Kae-chan. If you were a lousy brother, you wouldn't even have taken him in when your parents told you to do so. You wouldn't have tolerated his mischiefs. You wouldn't have taken him to the theme park to give him probably the best day he had in his life. You wouldn't even have gotten that teddy bear for him which he adores so much," Akira said, his hand now on my cheek. "You are a great brother. What you did earlier was the proof that you are human. You're entitled to make mistakes, too, you know. But deep down, you know that you love that little demon."
So I do, huh? Could I still pretend that I don't? It would be much more fun. And I wouldn't go out of character that way. This man knows to knock my raging senses.
"Akira, thank you," I said. He gave me a warm smile, kissed my forehead and pulled away. It was a very warm feeling. I stood straight as a post, eyes as wide as saucers, while he looked at me fondly. All I could think about is that he *kissed* me. This time, not accidentally. He really kissed me. (Yeah, I know, it was in the *forehead*... but it's still a kiss.)
"You're always welcome, Kaede," he said. "Now let's look for the little imp."
Yeah. I'll do that.
And remind me to give the little demon a bonk on the head for making me worry this much.
***********************************************
Kami-sama... he's safe. He's there... He's safe. My knees almost buckled when I saw Kaede sitting on one of the swings at the playground (with the most forlorn expression I've ever seen). He looked so sad, and my heart (can't believe I'm thinking this... Rukawa, you're getting soft) went out to him.
I breathed out a sigh of relief.
"See? He's safe," Akira told me with a smile. He started to pull me towards my brother, but I held him back.
All I could see was the pain in my brother's blue eyes.
All I could think of... is that it was *I* who did that to him.
He looked so forlorn. Like a fallen angel, reprimanded by God. He looked so small on that swing, with his knees tucked in, and his chubby little hands holding the rusty chain tightly. He was looking at the sky, sighing every now and then.
I did this to him. I made him sad.
"Akira," I whispered. He looked at me. "Go tell Okaasan and Otousan that we've found him, please. I'll have a few words with my brother."
I wasn't surprised when he gave me a warm smile and a look which says that he understands what I feel. But I was surprised when he pulled me to him and landed his lips to mine.
Our first kiss. First *real* kiss, I mean.
He pulled away before I could even react.
"I'll see both of you later," he said as he jogged back to my apartment. I could only stare at his retreating form. Damn that hedgehog for rocking my senses. He knows I have to patch things up for my brother, and what does he do? He freakin' kisssed me!
Now what do I say to that little forlorn imp?
Where am I?
What am I?
Who am I?
Damn you, Sendoh Akira. I'll get you for this.
I slowly walked over to my brother, all the while thinking of what I am going to say to him. What do you say to someone whom you've hurt for probably as long as you've met him? Sorry? Can a single 'sorry' make up for all the painful words, all the insults, all the spiteful barbs I've thrown to him?
I was directly beside him now, and I still don't know what to say. He was just sitting there, his head now bent. He knew that I'm already here, but he's still not saying anything. Oh well, what do I expect? The silence was defening. It was so overwhelming, I could feel it slowly swallowing me. I opened my mouth to say something (meaningful, I hope) but he beat me to it.
"I've been a very, very bad boy, haven't I?" he asked, still not looking at me. He said it in the barest of whispers, that I could feel the pain seeping out of it. I could now see the little droplets of tears which fell from his eyes and onto the ground. I can see the way he was fighting his tears. My heart wrenched. Gods, I did this to him...
Ever wonder what an ached whisper coming from a child do to someone? It could break a heart. It certainly broke mine. And what about tears? It could kill... as it was slowly killing me. What can I do to make him stop crying?
"No, Kaede," I said, "It's me who's been a very bad boy. I hurt you, didn't I? I'm so sorry."
"I'm a very naughty boy," he said. "I broke your favoritest trophy. I broke your plates. I broke many of your things since I was a baby. It's okay if you're mad at me."
This is so damn hard for me. He is blaming himself. A child wasn't supposed to think of these things.
"No... No Kaede, I-"
"I'm sorry," he said. I felt so helpless. A sob escaped from him, and that did me in. I gathered the little boy in a fierce hug. He held onto me as if I was his only lifeline while all I can to is to rub his back. How do I ease those wracking sobs? "I thought the trophy was very pretty, and I want to hold it, so I tried to reach for it. And I-"
He trailed off as he choked on his sobs.
"I've been a bad-"
"Hush now, little one," I said before he could continue to berate himself any further. It wasn't going as I planned (if I planned *anything* at all). It should be me who's doing the apologizing, not him. After all, he's just a kid... doing what normal kids do. And I'm a lousy brother for not being able to understand that.
"I'm sorry if I've been bad. I'm sorry for being a naughty brother. I'm sorry for putting the frog in your locker room. I'm sorry for ven-de-li-zing your lockers. I'm sorry for stealing your ball. I'm sorry for-"
"Ssssh... It's okay now. I'm not mad," I said. My heart broke with every word. "You shouldn't be thinking of that. It is I who is a bad brother to you. Hush now. Stop crying. I'm sorry for making you cry. Stop crying. You're breaking oniisan's heart."
Immediately, he tried to control his sobs. How brave he is for doing that, I thought. How noble. Tired and spent, he just rested his head on my chest. My shirt should be dripping wet by now. I wonder how kids could easily cry buckets of tears.
Comfortable silence wrapped itself around us, and I wondered what kind of picture we made, hugging each other under the light of the moon in this quiet, deserted playground. It was during these times that I wish I was more easy with words. There are so many things I wanted to say to my brother. So many things that I wanted to make clear. But no, all I'm good at is throwing insults. All I can say is a few sentences composed of spiteful words.
I wanted to tell him that it's okay if he's naughty. I wanted to tell him that I'm not mad at him for doing those things to me. I wanted to tell him that I don't think he's a very bad boy. I wanted to tell him that he's the best baby (yes, he's still my baby) brother one could ever have. And I wanted to tell him that I love him.
But all I can do is to hold him close. Damn you, Rukawa Kaede, for being so inept at words. How I wish that a single 'do'aho' could mean I love you. After all, it's all I can say.
He pulled away from me and wiped his tears. "Are you mad at me?" he asked.
"No, I'm not," I replied. "Are *you* mad at me?"
"No, I'm not," he said.
"I'm sorry if I've been such a big meanie."
"I'm sorry if I've been a little maggot, or a little imp, or a little bakemono, or a little-"
"Now, now, you memorized all those names?"
"It's hard to forget, you know," he said.
"I'm sorry."
"Ne, what does 'maggot' mean anyway?" Kaede asked as he wrinkled his nose. I ruffled his head in fondness as I sat down on the swing next to his.
"You wouldn't wanna know," I said. We just sat there, quietly assessing each other's presence. "Kaede, do you hate me?"
"No, I don't," he replied. "It's just that I like playing jokes on you. And I like the way you look when you've seen what new mess I've made!"
That coming from someone who's been repenting a minute ago.
"Do you hate me?" he asked.
"No I don't," I replied. "It's just that sometimes you can be so annoying. I don't really understand why you like being a pain in the ass. But it's okay. You'll grow out of it."
"But what if I don't?"
"Then heaven help me..." I said as I pretended that I'm going to die. I made choking sounds and pretended to struggle for my breath. And then I stiffened and pretended I was dead. He laughed in delight.
"You look silly," he remarked. I smiled as I reached over to tweak his nose. This feels good, this bonding thing. I never knew it would feel this good when you spend some time talking and joking and not being a pain in each other's butts.
"Hey," I called out to him. He looked at me with those big, bright, blue eyes now shining in delight. I held out my hand to him. "Truce?"
He frowned. "What does 'truce' mean?" he asked. I laughed (and it felt good). This kid sure is interested in enhancing his vocabulary.
"Truce means that we'll stop fighting and start being friends," I replied, giving him the only uncomplicated meaning I know. He looked thoughtful, as if he was contemplating whether he would continue to make my life a living hell or stop doing so.
"Do I still get to play tricks and jokes on you? I really like doing those," he said. Sheesh, Rukawa, what do you expect from a little demon like this one?
"Yeah, but don't expect me to stop calling you names," I retorted. He grinned like a cheshire cat and shook my hand.
"Okay. Truce!"
It felt like I was liberated from hell. It felt like a huge boulder was lifted from my shoulders. Hmmm... Maybe this could work out after all...
*****************************
"You like Akira-niichan, don't you?" Kaede asked after we finished building our castle in the Sandbox. It's been three hours already, but we still didn't want to go home as of yet. Let them worry. Kaede and I still have a lifetime of bonding moments that we need to catch up with.
But where the hell did that question come from? He's just a kid! How can he understand things like this?
"Yes, I do," I said. Oh well, no use beating around the bush.
"I'm glad," he said. Why is he still not calling me oniisan? I wonder... does it take time? Oh well, after a lifetime of pure insults and bickering, what do I expect? "He's a cool guy," Kaede added.
"Yeah, he is," I said. But I do wish you'd start calling me oniisan.
"And he makes you happy."
"What made you say that?"
"It's ob-ve... ob-ve... ne, what's that word again?"
"Obvious?"
"Yes. It's ob-vious," he said proudly (for saying such a hard word). "But still...-"
"What is it, Kaede?"
"Well, you're both *guys*," he pointed out. Ah hell, how do I explain this to him? "Not like okaachan and otouchan at all."
Damn you, Rukawa Kaede for being so inept at words. Now, how do you explain this to a seven-year-old kid?
"Don't worry," he assured me, "he's a cool guy anyway. Plus, you look great to-gether so it's okay! I also like him to be my oniichan."
"Oh." So that's it, then. Whew.
We were silent again after that, and right now we're building another castle. The night was perfect. The air is cool, the moon gives off enough light, and the rustle of the leaves sound like music to my ears. All in all, it was a peaceful night.
And I've realized that I've never had this much peaceful feeling before.
I thought I could have this kind of peace when I'm away from the pandemonium which was dominated by my family. I thought I could have this when I lived alone on a quiet house, or when I look at the moon on my balcony. I never knew peace could come from playing with my brother in a sandbox which is too small for me, let alone the two of us plus two awkward-looking castles. I never knew I'll have peace when my brother is around.
But I feel it now and I've never felt better.
I realize now that life is good. I have the perfect family... the perfect (though overprotective) mother, the perfect (though overly happy) father, and the perfect (though a bit on the devilish side) brother. I also have the perfect (though mangled and *redecorated* house), and also the perfect (though still annoying) teammates, with whom I could share my victories with.
And most of all... I have perfect friend and perhaps... more-
Sendoh Akira.
Words cannot tell how much he meant to me. What with me, being the always-loss-at-words guy, he still had a way of understanding what I feel for him. Earlier, at my lawn, I saw the flash of pain in his eyes when our moment was destroyed by the crash in my room. At the moment, I knew I feel something for him, but I don't have any way of telling him, so I just reached out my hand to him, with my heart in it, and smiled.
He understood.
Yeah... life is good.
"Ne, when do I get to go home?" Kaede suddenly asked, interrupting my thoughts about the goodness of life. His face was now marred with a frown.
"Home where?"
"To Osaka."
"I don't know. Why?"
"Because I don't want to go home."
"Oi, you like tormenting me that much?" I joked (yes, I joked). He shook his head and stopped playing with the sand. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them close. He looked pretty thoughtful. "Hey, Kaede, is something wrong?"
"I don't want to go back there," he said firmly. I suddenly remembered the way he looked at me, back when Okaasan and Otousan were still begging me to please take care of him because they were need to take care of *really* important business. He looked so relieved when I agreed.
"What's wrong? Why don't you want to go back home?" I asked.
"I don't want it there," he replied, burying his head deeper in his knees. "I don't want to see the people who made Okaachan cry."
What is going on? "Who makes Okaasan cry?"
"Those people. Bad people."
I can see that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He hid his head further in his knees.
"Don't you want to talk about it?"
He shook his head.
"Alright. But if it bothers you again, tell me, okay?"
He nodded.
"And I'll go ask Okaasan about it, okay?"
"Okay."
The silence which hung about us now was unnerving. He continued to play with sands now, but there was something on his mind. He looked preoccupied.
"Kaede, do you have a problem?"
He shook his head. Am I missing out on something? Why do I feel as if something is terribly wrong? I've had this feeling since I saw my mother waving at me from my front door. I've had this feeling since I saw the look my parents exchanged that night in the kitchen... and the way my mother looked into my eyes when she held my hand and-
"I've heard people talking in the living room at our house when I came home from playing," Kaede suddenly said. "There were many people. Four people. They were arguing and yelling and then okaachan cried."
"Why? What were they talking about?"
He paused for a long while, as if he was thinking about something. I felt dreadful with each passing moment. I sat there, silently anticipating what he would say next.
"Ne, what does a-dop-ted mean?" he asked.
Nani?! "Kaede, what did you hear them say?"
He stayed quiet. Then, "It must be a bad word, because it made okaachan cry. What does it mean?"
"Kaede, what did you hear them say?" I asked, carefully delivering each word. He buried his head in his knees again and kept quiet. I placed my hand on his shoulder, tipped his chin up, and looked at him squarely in the eye. I have to know what happened. I have to know what's wrong. Tell me that I'm thinking the wrong thing...
"Kaede, look at me," I said, a little sternly. He looked back up at me. "What did those people tell okaachan?"
"I don't know. I can't understand what they're saying," he said, geting frustrated by the moment. Tell me that I'm thinking the wrong thing. Please. This child shouldn't have heard what he heard. Whatever it is.
"Did you get to hear some of what they were talking about?" I asked.
He nodded his head. "What is it?"
"I heard them say..." he trailed off...
"Kaede, tell me," I coaxed. Every passing moment felt like hell. "Tell me, Kaede, what did you hear? What did they say that made okaasan cry?"
"I heard that I'm an a-dop-ted child."
Shit.
**********
tzu.zu.ku
**********
Cliffhanger! Cliffhanger!
Review! Review! Review!
ja,
Aki-chan
PS:
My mom's PC busted, and my laptop lost its modem... I hate to say this, but there will be a delay in posting the next chapter... Ehehehe... Gomen, gomen... *scratches head*
*dodges Eddie's katana*
*dodges Shinri's deadly paper fan*
*dodges miku's butcher knife*
Aki-chan: Gooooomeeeeeen!!!!
*aki-chan died*
Author: me, of course...
Yadda, yadda, yadda...
Author's Blahs:
How do I start? I just read the reviews, and it made me sooooo happy. Those were very nice things you said, and it really kept me going. Thanks a lot, minna! I mean it. ^_^
*Aki-chan dances around with a pair of maracas*
DiSCLaimerS:
Slam Dunk, of course, isn't mine. But I wouldn't mind if it was... ^_^
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Kaede Jr.
Chapter Five: Okay, Truce
It was just one stupid trophy.
It was just the medals which I worked so hard for.
It was just the photos of my former teams.
Those were just the things that could have made my family, my friends, and my teammates proud. Those were just the things that could have made my brother proud of me.
Those were just mere things. Destroyed. Scattered on my carpeted floor.
/Get out./
Each word must have been a lash to him.
/Get out before I say things that I'm sure I wouldn't even regret./
There were a lot of things I wanted to say. Some painful, some spiteful. All I could see were just my broken treasures. Those were all I have. My medals and everything. Basketball is the only thing I'm good at. Those were the evidences.
And he destroyed them.
All I could feel was the loss.
I didn't even think of what *he* would feel.
Some big brother. No wonder he never looked up to you. No wonder he never liked you. All you do is to berate his puny existence.
And now look at the mess you did.
I'm sorry, Kae-chan.
"Kae-chan!" Sendoh called out. He was wearing my clothes which my mother gave him. I could remember that look in his eyes when he saw how harsh I've been to Kaede. I could remember that look in his eyes when he told me the worth of the battered trophies. I could remember the knowing look in his eyes when I told him that we *must* find my brother. He knows... he knows how sorry I am.
I could remember the harsh words I said to him...
/Shut up, Sendoh, and for once stop trying to make up for what mess that little heathen did./
It was not only for him, but also for my parents.
How could I have said that?
It was just mere *things*.
How could I have hurt my brother like that?
I am the world's greatest jerk. No, jerk is too forgiving. I am an asshole. A pure, unadulterated asshole. I've always been one. I don't deserve such family. I don't deserve someone like Sendoh. All they ever do is to try to make me happy, and all I ever do is to scoff at their efforts and push them away.
Because I'm cool.
Because I'm the Ice Prince.
Cool Ice Prince my ass.
What you are, Rukawa Kaede, is one major bastard.
Okaasan and Otousan, though they never told me directly, were very disappointed in me. They just stayed quiet about what happened, calmly telling us that we should split up and look for Kaede. I wish they just shouted at me. I can't stand that sad look they gave me when we parted.
All these years, I've plotted a way to get away from all of them, thinking that they were all too crazy for the likes of me. I thought that I never really belong in our family. They were all so happy about everything. I never really appreciated Otousan's wonderful cooking, nor my okaasan's overprotectiveness. I only noticed how childish or how annoying they could be. I've always thought that they're the unfitting parents for the calm, cool, Ice Prince.
Not once have I thought that they must have loved me and my brother very much, despite everything. Not once have I thought that I have the best family one could ever have. Not once have I realized-
How much *I* love them.
Until now.
All these years, I thought that won those trophies, those medals, those honors because I want it. I thought I wanted to be the best for myself. But all along, the reason why I was striving to be so hard is because I wanted to make my family proud. Those things that Kaede accidentally destroyed... they're not for me.
They're for *them*.
Maybe that's why I was so hurt when I saw those broken.
I must have been a very selfish person because all I think about is myself. My pain. My suffering. My loss.
I never thought about them.
I'm so sorry, Okaasan, Otousan.
I'm so sorry, Kaede.
"Hey, Kaede, we'll find him, don't worry," Sen- Akira assured me. I don't deserve him, too. How can he like me, when I've been so cold to him since the start?
My feelings for him... those funny feelings I get whenever he's near... those which I've mistaken for hunger, or humidity, or whatever, I realize now what those feelings are. I realize now that-
I like him, too.
He's the best friend I've got. He knows me probably better than I know myself. He still accepted me, even though I'm not the friendliest, or the nicest guy around. He still accepted me despite my innumerable flaws.
I now know why I'm always thinking of him. Why he's always on my mind. I now know why he affects me deeply. Why I think he's the most gorgeous guy on earth while wearing a sweaty shirt and worn out shorts.
I like him.
I love him.
Heaven help me. I'm in love with Sendoh Akira.
Could he still like me, even after what I did? He told me how much he valued family. Look at me. Am I someone who valued his family? Yeah, right.
Akira is a better brother than me. He's a better son than me.
"Kaede, you're probably berating yourself," Akira said as he stopped running (yes, we're running around), and looked at me. He firmly held my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes. Butterflies- no- eagles fluttered around my stomach at his intense gaze. "It'll be alright. Kae-chan will be fine."
"I did it, Akira," I found myself saying. "I made him run away. I'm the world's lousiest brother."
"No, you're not," he said. "You're just mad earlier. I'm sure you didn't mean to say those things."
"But I did."
"Then you said it out of anger."
"Demo-"
He gave an impatient sigh, rolled his eyes and shook me hard. "You are the densest person I've ever met," he remarked.
I stared at him. Here I was, sharing my anxieties and deepest sorrows with the man I like (love?), and he rolls his eyes at me and tells me I'm dense.
Should I take back what I said about that love thing?
"You don't even know how good a brother you are," he said. I gave him a blank stare. He shook his head. "Kaede, I don't know how I would make you realize what I've said. But just think about this, okay?"
I nodded.
"If you were a lousy brother, then you wouldn't even be running like a madman around Kanagawa looking for Kae-chan. If you were a lousy brother, you wouldn't even have taken him in when your parents told you to do so. You wouldn't have tolerated his mischiefs. You wouldn't have taken him to the theme park to give him probably the best day he had in his life. You wouldn't even have gotten that teddy bear for him which he adores so much," Akira said, his hand now on my cheek. "You are a great brother. What you did earlier was the proof that you are human. You're entitled to make mistakes, too, you know. But deep down, you know that you love that little demon."
So I do, huh? Could I still pretend that I don't? It would be much more fun. And I wouldn't go out of character that way. This man knows to knock my raging senses.
"Akira, thank you," I said. He gave me a warm smile, kissed my forehead and pulled away. It was a very warm feeling. I stood straight as a post, eyes as wide as saucers, while he looked at me fondly. All I could think about is that he *kissed* me. This time, not accidentally. He really kissed me. (Yeah, I know, it was in the *forehead*... but it's still a kiss.)
"You're always welcome, Kaede," he said. "Now let's look for the little imp."
Yeah. I'll do that.
And remind me to give the little demon a bonk on the head for making me worry this much.
***********************************************
Kami-sama... he's safe. He's there... He's safe. My knees almost buckled when I saw Kaede sitting on one of the swings at the playground (with the most forlorn expression I've ever seen). He looked so sad, and my heart (can't believe I'm thinking this... Rukawa, you're getting soft) went out to him.
I breathed out a sigh of relief.
"See? He's safe," Akira told me with a smile. He started to pull me towards my brother, but I held him back.
All I could see was the pain in my brother's blue eyes.
All I could think of... is that it was *I* who did that to him.
He looked so forlorn. Like a fallen angel, reprimanded by God. He looked so small on that swing, with his knees tucked in, and his chubby little hands holding the rusty chain tightly. He was looking at the sky, sighing every now and then.
I did this to him. I made him sad.
"Akira," I whispered. He looked at me. "Go tell Okaasan and Otousan that we've found him, please. I'll have a few words with my brother."
I wasn't surprised when he gave me a warm smile and a look which says that he understands what I feel. But I was surprised when he pulled me to him and landed his lips to mine.
Our first kiss. First *real* kiss, I mean.
He pulled away before I could even react.
"I'll see both of you later," he said as he jogged back to my apartment. I could only stare at his retreating form. Damn that hedgehog for rocking my senses. He knows I have to patch things up for my brother, and what does he do? He freakin' kisssed me!
Now what do I say to that little forlorn imp?
Where am I?
What am I?
Who am I?
Damn you, Sendoh Akira. I'll get you for this.
I slowly walked over to my brother, all the while thinking of what I am going to say to him. What do you say to someone whom you've hurt for probably as long as you've met him? Sorry? Can a single 'sorry' make up for all the painful words, all the insults, all the spiteful barbs I've thrown to him?
I was directly beside him now, and I still don't know what to say. He was just sitting there, his head now bent. He knew that I'm already here, but he's still not saying anything. Oh well, what do I expect? The silence was defening. It was so overwhelming, I could feel it slowly swallowing me. I opened my mouth to say something (meaningful, I hope) but he beat me to it.
"I've been a very, very bad boy, haven't I?" he asked, still not looking at me. He said it in the barest of whispers, that I could feel the pain seeping out of it. I could now see the little droplets of tears which fell from his eyes and onto the ground. I can see the way he was fighting his tears. My heart wrenched. Gods, I did this to him...
Ever wonder what an ached whisper coming from a child do to someone? It could break a heart. It certainly broke mine. And what about tears? It could kill... as it was slowly killing me. What can I do to make him stop crying?
"No, Kaede," I said, "It's me who's been a very bad boy. I hurt you, didn't I? I'm so sorry."
"I'm a very naughty boy," he said. "I broke your favoritest trophy. I broke your plates. I broke many of your things since I was a baby. It's okay if you're mad at me."
This is so damn hard for me. He is blaming himself. A child wasn't supposed to think of these things.
"No... No Kaede, I-"
"I'm sorry," he said. I felt so helpless. A sob escaped from him, and that did me in. I gathered the little boy in a fierce hug. He held onto me as if I was his only lifeline while all I can to is to rub his back. How do I ease those wracking sobs? "I thought the trophy was very pretty, and I want to hold it, so I tried to reach for it. And I-"
He trailed off as he choked on his sobs.
"I've been a bad-"
"Hush now, little one," I said before he could continue to berate himself any further. It wasn't going as I planned (if I planned *anything* at all). It should be me who's doing the apologizing, not him. After all, he's just a kid... doing what normal kids do. And I'm a lousy brother for not being able to understand that.
"I'm sorry if I've been bad. I'm sorry for being a naughty brother. I'm sorry for putting the frog in your locker room. I'm sorry for ven-de-li-zing your lockers. I'm sorry for stealing your ball. I'm sorry for-"
"Ssssh... It's okay now. I'm not mad," I said. My heart broke with every word. "You shouldn't be thinking of that. It is I who is a bad brother to you. Hush now. Stop crying. I'm sorry for making you cry. Stop crying. You're breaking oniisan's heart."
Immediately, he tried to control his sobs. How brave he is for doing that, I thought. How noble. Tired and spent, he just rested his head on my chest. My shirt should be dripping wet by now. I wonder how kids could easily cry buckets of tears.
Comfortable silence wrapped itself around us, and I wondered what kind of picture we made, hugging each other under the light of the moon in this quiet, deserted playground. It was during these times that I wish I was more easy with words. There are so many things I wanted to say to my brother. So many things that I wanted to make clear. But no, all I'm good at is throwing insults. All I can say is a few sentences composed of spiteful words.
I wanted to tell him that it's okay if he's naughty. I wanted to tell him that I'm not mad at him for doing those things to me. I wanted to tell him that I don't think he's a very bad boy. I wanted to tell him that he's the best baby (yes, he's still my baby) brother one could ever have. And I wanted to tell him that I love him.
But all I can do is to hold him close. Damn you, Rukawa Kaede, for being so inept at words. How I wish that a single 'do'aho' could mean I love you. After all, it's all I can say.
He pulled away from me and wiped his tears. "Are you mad at me?" he asked.
"No, I'm not," I replied. "Are *you* mad at me?"
"No, I'm not," he said.
"I'm sorry if I've been such a big meanie."
"I'm sorry if I've been a little maggot, or a little imp, or a little bakemono, or a little-"
"Now, now, you memorized all those names?"
"It's hard to forget, you know," he said.
"I'm sorry."
"Ne, what does 'maggot' mean anyway?" Kaede asked as he wrinkled his nose. I ruffled his head in fondness as I sat down on the swing next to his.
"You wouldn't wanna know," I said. We just sat there, quietly assessing each other's presence. "Kaede, do you hate me?"
"No, I don't," he replied. "It's just that I like playing jokes on you. And I like the way you look when you've seen what new mess I've made!"
That coming from someone who's been repenting a minute ago.
"Do you hate me?" he asked.
"No I don't," I replied. "It's just that sometimes you can be so annoying. I don't really understand why you like being a pain in the ass. But it's okay. You'll grow out of it."
"But what if I don't?"
"Then heaven help me..." I said as I pretended that I'm going to die. I made choking sounds and pretended to struggle for my breath. And then I stiffened and pretended I was dead. He laughed in delight.
"You look silly," he remarked. I smiled as I reached over to tweak his nose. This feels good, this bonding thing. I never knew it would feel this good when you spend some time talking and joking and not being a pain in each other's butts.
"Hey," I called out to him. He looked at me with those big, bright, blue eyes now shining in delight. I held out my hand to him. "Truce?"
He frowned. "What does 'truce' mean?" he asked. I laughed (and it felt good). This kid sure is interested in enhancing his vocabulary.
"Truce means that we'll stop fighting and start being friends," I replied, giving him the only uncomplicated meaning I know. He looked thoughtful, as if he was contemplating whether he would continue to make my life a living hell or stop doing so.
"Do I still get to play tricks and jokes on you? I really like doing those," he said. Sheesh, Rukawa, what do you expect from a little demon like this one?
"Yeah, but don't expect me to stop calling you names," I retorted. He grinned like a cheshire cat and shook my hand.
"Okay. Truce!"
It felt like I was liberated from hell. It felt like a huge boulder was lifted from my shoulders. Hmmm... Maybe this could work out after all...
*****************************
"You like Akira-niichan, don't you?" Kaede asked after we finished building our castle in the Sandbox. It's been three hours already, but we still didn't want to go home as of yet. Let them worry. Kaede and I still have a lifetime of bonding moments that we need to catch up with.
But where the hell did that question come from? He's just a kid! How can he understand things like this?
"Yes, I do," I said. Oh well, no use beating around the bush.
"I'm glad," he said. Why is he still not calling me oniisan? I wonder... does it take time? Oh well, after a lifetime of pure insults and bickering, what do I expect? "He's a cool guy," Kaede added.
"Yeah, he is," I said. But I do wish you'd start calling me oniisan.
"And he makes you happy."
"What made you say that?"
"It's ob-ve... ob-ve... ne, what's that word again?"
"Obvious?"
"Yes. It's ob-vious," he said proudly (for saying such a hard word). "But still...-"
"What is it, Kaede?"
"Well, you're both *guys*," he pointed out. Ah hell, how do I explain this to him? "Not like okaachan and otouchan at all."
Damn you, Rukawa Kaede for being so inept at words. Now, how do you explain this to a seven-year-old kid?
"Don't worry," he assured me, "he's a cool guy anyway. Plus, you look great to-gether so it's okay! I also like him to be my oniichan."
"Oh." So that's it, then. Whew.
We were silent again after that, and right now we're building another castle. The night was perfect. The air is cool, the moon gives off enough light, and the rustle of the leaves sound like music to my ears. All in all, it was a peaceful night.
And I've realized that I've never had this much peaceful feeling before.
I thought I could have this kind of peace when I'm away from the pandemonium which was dominated by my family. I thought I could have this when I lived alone on a quiet house, or when I look at the moon on my balcony. I never knew peace could come from playing with my brother in a sandbox which is too small for me, let alone the two of us plus two awkward-looking castles. I never knew I'll have peace when my brother is around.
But I feel it now and I've never felt better.
I realize now that life is good. I have the perfect family... the perfect (though overprotective) mother, the perfect (though overly happy) father, and the perfect (though a bit on the devilish side) brother. I also have the perfect (though mangled and *redecorated* house), and also the perfect (though still annoying) teammates, with whom I could share my victories with.
And most of all... I have perfect friend and perhaps... more-
Sendoh Akira.
Words cannot tell how much he meant to me. What with me, being the always-loss-at-words guy, he still had a way of understanding what I feel for him. Earlier, at my lawn, I saw the flash of pain in his eyes when our moment was destroyed by the crash in my room. At the moment, I knew I feel something for him, but I don't have any way of telling him, so I just reached out my hand to him, with my heart in it, and smiled.
He understood.
Yeah... life is good.
"Ne, when do I get to go home?" Kaede suddenly asked, interrupting my thoughts about the goodness of life. His face was now marred with a frown.
"Home where?"
"To Osaka."
"I don't know. Why?"
"Because I don't want to go home."
"Oi, you like tormenting me that much?" I joked (yes, I joked). He shook his head and stopped playing with the sand. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them close. He looked pretty thoughtful. "Hey, Kaede, is something wrong?"
"I don't want to go back there," he said firmly. I suddenly remembered the way he looked at me, back when Okaasan and Otousan were still begging me to please take care of him because they were need to take care of *really* important business. He looked so relieved when I agreed.
"What's wrong? Why don't you want to go back home?" I asked.
"I don't want it there," he replied, burying his head deeper in his knees. "I don't want to see the people who made Okaachan cry."
What is going on? "Who makes Okaasan cry?"
"Those people. Bad people."
I can see that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He hid his head further in his knees.
"Don't you want to talk about it?"
He shook his head.
"Alright. But if it bothers you again, tell me, okay?"
He nodded.
"And I'll go ask Okaasan about it, okay?"
"Okay."
The silence which hung about us now was unnerving. He continued to play with sands now, but there was something on his mind. He looked preoccupied.
"Kaede, do you have a problem?"
He shook his head. Am I missing out on something? Why do I feel as if something is terribly wrong? I've had this feeling since I saw my mother waving at me from my front door. I've had this feeling since I saw the look my parents exchanged that night in the kitchen... and the way my mother looked into my eyes when she held my hand and-
"I've heard people talking in the living room at our house when I came home from playing," Kaede suddenly said. "There were many people. Four people. They were arguing and yelling and then okaachan cried."
"Why? What were they talking about?"
He paused for a long while, as if he was thinking about something. I felt dreadful with each passing moment. I sat there, silently anticipating what he would say next.
"Ne, what does a-dop-ted mean?" he asked.
Nani?! "Kaede, what did you hear them say?"
He stayed quiet. Then, "It must be a bad word, because it made okaachan cry. What does it mean?"
"Kaede, what did you hear them say?" I asked, carefully delivering each word. He buried his head in his knees again and kept quiet. I placed my hand on his shoulder, tipped his chin up, and looked at him squarely in the eye. I have to know what happened. I have to know what's wrong. Tell me that I'm thinking the wrong thing...
"Kaede, look at me," I said, a little sternly. He looked back up at me. "What did those people tell okaachan?"
"I don't know. I can't understand what they're saying," he said, geting frustrated by the moment. Tell me that I'm thinking the wrong thing. Please. This child shouldn't have heard what he heard. Whatever it is.
"Did you get to hear some of what they were talking about?" I asked.
He nodded his head. "What is it?"
"I heard them say..." he trailed off...
"Kaede, tell me," I coaxed. Every passing moment felt like hell. "Tell me, Kaede, what did you hear? What did they say that made okaasan cry?"
"I heard that I'm an a-dop-ted child."
Shit.
**********
tzu.zu.ku
**********
Cliffhanger! Cliffhanger!
Review! Review! Review!
ja,
Aki-chan
PS:
My mom's PC busted, and my laptop lost its modem... I hate to say this, but there will be a delay in posting the next chapter... Ehehehe... Gomen, gomen... *scratches head*
*dodges Eddie's katana*
*dodges Shinri's deadly paper fan*
*dodges miku's butcher knife*
Aki-chan: Gooooomeeeeeen!!!!
*aki-chan died*