Learning To Live Again
Chapter 1/?
A 7th Heaven Fan Fic by Lucky Star and Jordan
Sequel to Angry All The Time
Hello again! Welcome to the first chapter of the Angry All The Time sequel. I would recommend reading Angry before you try to tackle this one, although it isn't 100% necessary. But there are probably a lot of little things that would add to the story if you knew what went on in Angry. That said, I' glad you're here and I hope you will enjoy the read.
I don't think this fic requires a warning, though standard disclaimers apply as always. I'm only borrowing 7th Heaven characters to tell a story. I don't own them, because if I did they wouldn't be the lame bodies they are on the show...Jordan and I own Simon's wife, Victoria, and all the children, and any non 7th Heaven characters.
Learning To Live Again
Chapter 1: Memories
*~Victoria~*
I sit in the rocking chair and hold my tiny daughter close to me. It feels so good to have her in my arms again, warm and solid and smelling sweet of baby. She's fussing though, because she's hungry. I know she's hungry because I haven't fed her since I got back. Simon has fed her formula up until now, because he was letting me rest. I've rested. If you can call being unable to sleep because of the nightmares resting.
I look down at her face. She's starting to look like Simon already; his straight eyebrows, the shape of his lips. Her whimpers make my full breasts ache, and I can feel the dampness on the inside of the nursing bra. But still I sit, only rocking her, making no move to unbutton my shirt. I can't do it. My fingers freeze halfway, drift back down to stroke her cheek.
"Shh, shh," I whisper. "Daddy will wonder why you're crying so much."
Daddy will wonder because I haven't told him. Not everything. I can't. I won't have him thinking of that when he looks at me, or when he touches me, which thank God he hasn't tried to do yet. But it's only been two days. Simon probably hasn't even thought of that kind of thing, and won't until I make the first move. Until he's sure I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
I know things could have been worse. I wasn't raped. But I can still feel Kevin's hands on me, my breasts, his fingers tightening on my throat, and I can still see the look in his eyes. He was going to do it. He wanted to do it. I'd pretended to pass out and felt his hands hands on my pants. Whenever I remember I want to throw up. But I don't. I don't do anything. I keep my face expressionless and I don't make a sound. I just rock and rock, and try to keep my baby's crying quiet.
"Tory?"
I blink, startled by Simon suddenly in the doorway, hoping the spasm of fear in my heart doesn't show on my face. He calls me Tory all the time now, where before he only did it when he was emotional. Maybe he's emotional all the time now. He treats me so carefully, so gentle, helping with the girls, always asking me if I'm all right. And I'm always saying yes.
"Tory, Lucy and I are going to take the kids to the mall. Do you want to go?"
Relief washes through me. "No, I'll stay here with Bella."
"Are you sure?" His brows knit together.
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Okay. Just call me if you need anything." He comes in and kisses my forehead, then bends down to kiss Bella's unhappy face. For a moment I think he's going to ask me something, but he doesn't, only hesitates. "We'll be back in a little while."
"Okay."
I watch him go, then wait, listening to the sounds of chattering children and the mass exodus out the front door. Lucy's voice sounds bright and normal, but I know it's an act, a well-practiced act. She's so much better at it than I am.
When they're gone I stand. Bella pushes at my clothed breast, and yearning runs from the pit of my stomach to my leaking nipples. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."
Downstairs the house is completely silent, though it has been quieter lately. I've heard Simon telling the children to keep it down because "Aunt Victoria" is sleeping. He doesn't know I haven't slept but once since I got home. Or maybe he does but hasn't asked me about it yet because the doctor probably told him not to ask me too much, to let everything go at my own pace. Or maybe I'm better at hiding things than I thought.
Simon has left a bottle of formula in the refrigerator. Bella's cries are louder as I put it into a pot of water on the stove and heat it up. I pat her back, rock her, anything. Her cries tear my heart to shreds, and I'm more glad than she is when the bottle is finally ready. At the kitchen table I cradle her and place the synthetic nipple into her mouth. She quiets immediately, sucking away in bliss, and I have to close my eyes.
Memories assault my closed eyelids.
....I am 20 years old, and Simon and I have been married barely a year. I stand in a hospital nursery next to an incubator. Inside is my first daughter Alexis, so tiny, so red she looks like a piece of raw meat. Unfinished. We're not allowed to touch her with our bare hands, and I haven't held her or fed her. She was born too soon, only five months along, but the doctor has told me my uterus wasn't strong enough to hold her in as she got bigger. My fault. I'm thinking this when Simon comes to stand behind me, his hand rubbing my back. I turn and bury my face in his shoulder. I know it's hopeless but I want my baby to be one of those miracles, one who beats the odds. She dies when she's 33 hours old. If she lived she would be ten....
My eyes jerk open and I'm in the kitchen again. The bottle is almost empty and has slipped from Bella's mouth as she sleeps. I'm shocked to find that much time has passed, and the realisation that I could have blanked out, could have dropped her, hits me like a fist. When I stand I'm shaking, and I take her back up to the crib, holding onto the rails after I put her down. It takes me a minute to steady myself, and I go sit in the rocking chair again. I don't want to leave her alone. I close my eyes again.
....I'm in the same nursery Bella sleeps in, only there is no baby. Where Alexis should have been is nothing, and I still don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept the emptiness inside me where she should still be, growing and moving and alive.
"Tory, come to bed with me." Simon is in the doorway.
I look one more time at the crib, then take the hand he holds toward me. In our bed across the hall he takes me in his arms, and I welcome the warmth and solidity of his body. Even though I make no sound he seems to know that I'm weeping, and his hands caress my hair as he pulls me closer....
When I open my eyes there are tears on my cheeks. I wipe them away and look at Bella again. She's sleeping peacefully, unaware of everything that's ever happened in the world. She doesn't know that I almost lost Autumn and had to stay in bed for months until she was born. She doesn't know that it happened with her too, and that they had to sew my uterus shut both times. And she won't know about Alexis for a long time. Autumn doesn't even know yet, and we never speak of her. Someday, when they're old enough to understand. I thought time would make it hurt less but right now it hurts more. So much more that it's easier to go back even farther, to remember when Simon and I were still just kids and everything was so new and exciting.
....My 19th birthday and Simon has taken me to a fancy restaurant. After we eat he insists I order dessert, and when it arrives --an elaborate pastry of some kind -- the ring is sitting on top of it. The diamond winks when the waiter sets it down in front of me, and my eyes go immediately to Simon's. I'm surprised, but only because I didn't expect it here, not this way. I'm not surprised that he's asking. I've known I would marry him since we started dating in 9th grade. I've always known.
"Yes," I say, and he's out of his seat, reaching for me.
Later we're in his car later, kissing like we've never kissed before, like we'll never get enough of it. He catches my hand, his fingers on the ring. "I love you," he says between kisses.
My response is muffled, and when his hands slide beneath my shirt I gasp and pull him closer. I'm hot, so hot I feel lightheaded even though the breeze through the cracked windows is cool. He unhooks my bra and pulls my shirt over my head. This is as far as we've ever gone, and I find msyelf wanting more, as I've lain awake nights wanting more, imagining more. My breast is in his mouth then and I'm shocked by the climax rocketing through me, leaving me trembling and weak.
"Oh Simon, I love you."
We go no further that night; we want to wait until we're married, so we stop because to continue would be to lose ourselves. That is saved for our wedding night when we are finally alone, when he can barely close the door because his arms are full of me and we're kissing, stopping only long enough to undress. There is no shyness between us, but our bodies welcome each other, fitting together so perfectly just as I always knew they would. My soul is released in him just as I feel his enter me along with his body....
Even with losing Alexis and almost the other two, we were happy, so happy. And now it's all ruined.
Bella's cries jerk me from the memories and I'm lurching to the crib without even thinking about it, picking her up. But she screams as if my touch burns and then she's crumbling to dust and I'm screaming, screaming as Kevin holds my baby in his arms, her fragile skull in his fingers, and he's squeezing, squeezing while he looks into my eyes and laughs.
I fling my hands forward. "No! Don't hurt my baby!"
He drops her and advances on me, his strong arms catching me around the waist, throwing me down onto the bed. I look up into his face and know total helplessness and a nightmare that won't ever end.
End chapter one. This one was written by Jordan, though I provided Simon's voice in the memories. Please R/R and let us know what you think. This sequel fic will also deal with Lucy, and maybe even a little Ruthie, as well. The first chapter just belongs to Victoria...So please, let us know what you are thinking! Thanks for reading! ~Lucky Star (JjsLuckyStar@aol.com)
Chapter 1/?
A 7th Heaven Fan Fic by Lucky Star and Jordan
Sequel to Angry All The Time
Hello again! Welcome to the first chapter of the Angry All The Time sequel. I would recommend reading Angry before you try to tackle this one, although it isn't 100% necessary. But there are probably a lot of little things that would add to the story if you knew what went on in Angry. That said, I' glad you're here and I hope you will enjoy the read.
I don't think this fic requires a warning, though standard disclaimers apply as always. I'm only borrowing 7th Heaven characters to tell a story. I don't own them, because if I did they wouldn't be the lame bodies they are on the show...Jordan and I own Simon's wife, Victoria, and all the children, and any non 7th Heaven characters.
Learning To Live Again
Chapter 1: Memories
*~Victoria~*
I sit in the rocking chair and hold my tiny daughter close to me. It feels so good to have her in my arms again, warm and solid and smelling sweet of baby. She's fussing though, because she's hungry. I know she's hungry because I haven't fed her since I got back. Simon has fed her formula up until now, because he was letting me rest. I've rested. If you can call being unable to sleep because of the nightmares resting.
I look down at her face. She's starting to look like Simon already; his straight eyebrows, the shape of his lips. Her whimpers make my full breasts ache, and I can feel the dampness on the inside of the nursing bra. But still I sit, only rocking her, making no move to unbutton my shirt. I can't do it. My fingers freeze halfway, drift back down to stroke her cheek.
"Shh, shh," I whisper. "Daddy will wonder why you're crying so much."
Daddy will wonder because I haven't told him. Not everything. I can't. I won't have him thinking of that when he looks at me, or when he touches me, which thank God he hasn't tried to do yet. But it's only been two days. Simon probably hasn't even thought of that kind of thing, and won't until I make the first move. Until he's sure I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
I know things could have been worse. I wasn't raped. But I can still feel Kevin's hands on me, my breasts, his fingers tightening on my throat, and I can still see the look in his eyes. He was going to do it. He wanted to do it. I'd pretended to pass out and felt his hands hands on my pants. Whenever I remember I want to throw up. But I don't. I don't do anything. I keep my face expressionless and I don't make a sound. I just rock and rock, and try to keep my baby's crying quiet.
"Tory?"
I blink, startled by Simon suddenly in the doorway, hoping the spasm of fear in my heart doesn't show on my face. He calls me Tory all the time now, where before he only did it when he was emotional. Maybe he's emotional all the time now. He treats me so carefully, so gentle, helping with the girls, always asking me if I'm all right. And I'm always saying yes.
"Tory, Lucy and I are going to take the kids to the mall. Do you want to go?"
Relief washes through me. "No, I'll stay here with Bella."
"Are you sure?" His brows knit together.
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Okay. Just call me if you need anything." He comes in and kisses my forehead, then bends down to kiss Bella's unhappy face. For a moment I think he's going to ask me something, but he doesn't, only hesitates. "We'll be back in a little while."
"Okay."
I watch him go, then wait, listening to the sounds of chattering children and the mass exodus out the front door. Lucy's voice sounds bright and normal, but I know it's an act, a well-practiced act. She's so much better at it than I am.
When they're gone I stand. Bella pushes at my clothed breast, and yearning runs from the pit of my stomach to my leaking nipples. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."
Downstairs the house is completely silent, though it has been quieter lately. I've heard Simon telling the children to keep it down because "Aunt Victoria" is sleeping. He doesn't know I haven't slept but once since I got home. Or maybe he does but hasn't asked me about it yet because the doctor probably told him not to ask me too much, to let everything go at my own pace. Or maybe I'm better at hiding things than I thought.
Simon has left a bottle of formula in the refrigerator. Bella's cries are louder as I put it into a pot of water on the stove and heat it up. I pat her back, rock her, anything. Her cries tear my heart to shreds, and I'm more glad than she is when the bottle is finally ready. At the kitchen table I cradle her and place the synthetic nipple into her mouth. She quiets immediately, sucking away in bliss, and I have to close my eyes.
Memories assault my closed eyelids.
....I am 20 years old, and Simon and I have been married barely a year. I stand in a hospital nursery next to an incubator. Inside is my first daughter Alexis, so tiny, so red she looks like a piece of raw meat. Unfinished. We're not allowed to touch her with our bare hands, and I haven't held her or fed her. She was born too soon, only five months along, but the doctor has told me my uterus wasn't strong enough to hold her in as she got bigger. My fault. I'm thinking this when Simon comes to stand behind me, his hand rubbing my back. I turn and bury my face in his shoulder. I know it's hopeless but I want my baby to be one of those miracles, one who beats the odds. She dies when she's 33 hours old. If she lived she would be ten....
My eyes jerk open and I'm in the kitchen again. The bottle is almost empty and has slipped from Bella's mouth as she sleeps. I'm shocked to find that much time has passed, and the realisation that I could have blanked out, could have dropped her, hits me like a fist. When I stand I'm shaking, and I take her back up to the crib, holding onto the rails after I put her down. It takes me a minute to steady myself, and I go sit in the rocking chair again. I don't want to leave her alone. I close my eyes again.
....I'm in the same nursery Bella sleeps in, only there is no baby. Where Alexis should have been is nothing, and I still don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept the emptiness inside me where she should still be, growing and moving and alive.
"Tory, come to bed with me." Simon is in the doorway.
I look one more time at the crib, then take the hand he holds toward me. In our bed across the hall he takes me in his arms, and I welcome the warmth and solidity of his body. Even though I make no sound he seems to know that I'm weeping, and his hands caress my hair as he pulls me closer....
When I open my eyes there are tears on my cheeks. I wipe them away and look at Bella again. She's sleeping peacefully, unaware of everything that's ever happened in the world. She doesn't know that I almost lost Autumn and had to stay in bed for months until she was born. She doesn't know that it happened with her too, and that they had to sew my uterus shut both times. And she won't know about Alexis for a long time. Autumn doesn't even know yet, and we never speak of her. Someday, when they're old enough to understand. I thought time would make it hurt less but right now it hurts more. So much more that it's easier to go back even farther, to remember when Simon and I were still just kids and everything was so new and exciting.
....My 19th birthday and Simon has taken me to a fancy restaurant. After we eat he insists I order dessert, and when it arrives --an elaborate pastry of some kind -- the ring is sitting on top of it. The diamond winks when the waiter sets it down in front of me, and my eyes go immediately to Simon's. I'm surprised, but only because I didn't expect it here, not this way. I'm not surprised that he's asking. I've known I would marry him since we started dating in 9th grade. I've always known.
"Yes," I say, and he's out of his seat, reaching for me.
Later we're in his car later, kissing like we've never kissed before, like we'll never get enough of it. He catches my hand, his fingers on the ring. "I love you," he says between kisses.
My response is muffled, and when his hands slide beneath my shirt I gasp and pull him closer. I'm hot, so hot I feel lightheaded even though the breeze through the cracked windows is cool. He unhooks my bra and pulls my shirt over my head. This is as far as we've ever gone, and I find msyelf wanting more, as I've lain awake nights wanting more, imagining more. My breast is in his mouth then and I'm shocked by the climax rocketing through me, leaving me trembling and weak.
"Oh Simon, I love you."
We go no further that night; we want to wait until we're married, so we stop because to continue would be to lose ourselves. That is saved for our wedding night when we are finally alone, when he can barely close the door because his arms are full of me and we're kissing, stopping only long enough to undress. There is no shyness between us, but our bodies welcome each other, fitting together so perfectly just as I always knew they would. My soul is released in him just as I feel his enter me along with his body....
Even with losing Alexis and almost the other two, we were happy, so happy. And now it's all ruined.
Bella's cries jerk me from the memories and I'm lurching to the crib without even thinking about it, picking her up. But she screams as if my touch burns and then she's crumbling to dust and I'm screaming, screaming as Kevin holds my baby in his arms, her fragile skull in his fingers, and he's squeezing, squeezing while he looks into my eyes and laughs.
I fling my hands forward. "No! Don't hurt my baby!"
He drops her and advances on me, his strong arms catching me around the waist, throwing me down onto the bed. I look up into his face and know total helplessness and a nightmare that won't ever end.
End chapter one. This one was written by Jordan, though I provided Simon's voice in the memories. Please R/R and let us know what you think. This sequel fic will also deal with Lucy, and maybe even a little Ruthie, as well. The first chapter just belongs to Victoria...So please, let us know what you are thinking! Thanks for reading! ~Lucky Star (JjsLuckyStar@aol.com)