Princess Tohru shifted from foot to foot, fidgeting nervously. She'd been given such an awesome responsibility, and she was clumsy, and not that smart, and she didn't know if-
She swallowed her nervousness as the throne room doors opened, then walked through them and towards the throne, praying that she wouldn't embarrass herself by tripping. Thankfully, she made it without incidence to the throne, where she knelt before the queen.
"Your Majesty," she said, her head bowed.
"Now, now," said Queen Kyoko with a smile in her voice, "no need for such formality. "Up, up!"
She got to her feet, nervously adjusting her skirt.
"Yes, mothe- I mean, Queen, ah-"
The queen laughed warmly.
"Nervous about your first assignment, dear?"
Tohru nodded, looking at her feet.
"Y-yes, I am. I'm sorry, I-"
"Nonsense! Anyone would be nervous if they were in your shoes. Everything will work out fine."
"Yes, mother!" Tohru said, smiling happily at the queen; she always knew what to say to make her feel better.
"Now," the queen said, raising the wand before her, "I send you off on your first duty..." She brought the wand down, and the world rippled around Tohru. "To defend the secret base!"
Everything turned to mist before her eyes, then snapped back into focus. She was standing before Yuki's vegetable garden, howling winds threatening to tear away what he'd worked so hard for. With a wave of her wand a translucent dome sprung up around the garden, protecting it from the wind. She sighed in relief, but then tensed up. Something... Something was out there!
Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard a rumbling roar echo through the woods. A stomping sound mixed with the sharp cracks of breaking wood started, getting louder, closer... She saw trees falling to the ground, pushed aside by a huge bulk, barreling towards the garden, and then it burst into view-
A 20 foot tall gopher, eyes burning pits of fire, acidic slime dripping from its fearsome incisors. It threw its head back and shrieked.
"Halt, evil garden creature!" yelled Tohru. "Vegetables are for eating, not for eating! In the name of my homework, I shall punish you!"
"Beep! Beep! Beep!" chirped the slavering gopher.
"Huh?" she said.
"Beep! Beep! Beep!"
"Beep! Beep! Beep!" beeped her alarm clock. She sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes. A dream... Just a dream.
Or was it? Dreams were important to magical girls, right? She furrowed her brow in concentration, memorizing the details of the dream, then got out of bed and began dressing for the day. Would the enemy attack Yuki's vegetable garden? Maybe it really was a secret base? And why did she say "in the name of my homework"? She wanted to graduate high-school, for her mother, so she guessed it was important, but... Homework in general? "In the name of homework?" Mmmm... "In the name of education." Yes, that was much better! An education was an extremely important thing. But what did that have to do with Yuki's vegetable garden? "In the name of vegetables?" No. "In the name of dinner?" No, that-
She flinched as she finished combing her hair. Kyo had told her not to make any speeches to the enemy, and here she was, trying to think one up! She'd even done one in her dream! What would Kyo-
He'd spent the whole night outside! Was he alright?! She flew down the stairs, barely keeping herself from tripping, then ran to the back of the house and flung the door open.
"Kyo-kun!" she called out, frantically looking around the back door. Was-
"Sshhhhh!!"
She looked down and saw him on the porch, glaring up at her.
"Don't wake everyone up, stupid!"
"Sorry!" she whispered as she knelt on the porch. "Are you alright, Kyo-kun?"
"Fine, I'm fine. I was just waiting for you to come out and give me some milk."
"Oh! Yes, right away!"
She scampered into the kitchen, came back with a bowl and his carton of milk, and poured it into the bowl. He lowered his head and began lapping at it, but then stopped to look up at Tohru.
"I wanted to remind you, when you fight a monster, *don't* give it some silly speech. Your enemy-"
He stopped and glared at her when he noticed her flinch.
"You were thinking about doing it, weren't you?"
"I- I'm sorry, but I had a dream where I made a speech, and when I woke up I was trying to make it better, and-"
"Never mind. Just don't do it for real, okay?"
"Hai! I won't... Oh! That reminds me, the dream I had, and I thought it might be important, since I'm a magical girl."
He simply looked at her. "And?"
"And? Oh! A magical girl's dreams can be prophetic, yes?"
Kyo sighed as he sat down. "I guess. What was the dream?"
"Well, I was a princess, and my mother gave me my first job as a magical girl. So she sent me off to guard Sohma-kun's secret base, and..."
She faltered. Kyo was giving her a Look. It was a strange look to see on the face of a cat.
"W-Well, I was guarding his vegetable garden, and a giant gopher attacked... it..."
His eyebrow — or what a cat had instead of an eyebrow — was twitching.
"So... So... I..."
"I don't think it's a prophetic dream," he said flatly.
"Really?"
"Yes. Now let me drink this milk before anyone else wakes up."
"Hai!"
Yuki sighed, then repeated the lie.
"Kyo decided that, to beat me at martial arts, he needed more training, so he left for the mountains where he was training before."
"Ooohhh," sighed one of his female classmates. "Such dedication! I bet he's meditating under a freezing cold waterfall and wrestling with wild animals!"
Yuki sighed again as he picked at his lunch; what did some girls see in the stupid cat? He glanced up at Honda-san, then back down at his lunch. Well, girls besides her; she always managed to see the best in anyone, even the cat; even his annoying older brother.
"So, when will Kyo-chan be back?"
Kyo-chan? He'd been called that his very first day here, while Yuki was still "Sohma-kun"...
"He comes and goes as he pleases." Like a cat. "I couldn't even guess when he'll come back."
Actually, if Kyo was smart, he'd probably never come back. Akito knew about the incident with the ball of light; Yuki had had to tell him. The ball was either the manifestation of power of a powerful sorcerer, or an alien life form. Either way, it knew about the Jyuunishi curse, and was most certainly beyond any influence Akito might have. An outsider that knew about the curse, had interfered with Sohma family matters, and that Akito could not control... If Kyo ever came back, Akito would probably take it out on him. Yuki shuddered; he wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even the cat.
"So," Uotani said, "what's got Orange Head so fired up about beating you?"
He sighed; more lies.
"Well," he said, "he-"
He was interrupted by an inhuman screech coming for outside, followed by an "Ohohohoho!"
"Ayame?" he muttered as everyone rushed to the windows. No, the voice was too feminine.
"What was that?" said a boy.
"Maybe..." mused a girl. "Maybe someone practicing for a play, or something?"
"I dunno, maybe-"
This time, the interruption was a very human shriek of terror, followed by another. Uotani sat up from her slouch, concern creasing her face.
"Hey, Tohru, what do you... Tohru?"
Yuki looked up from his lunch and scanned the classroom: Tohru was nowhere to be found.
"Where-"
"Damn!" Uotani yanked herself to her feet and pulled an iron pipe from under her desk. "I bet she went to check if anyone was hurt! Come on, Prince!"
Yuki vaulted out of his desk and dashed after her. Damn, she was right! Tohru would do something like that. He cursed himself as he flew down the stairs; he should have noticed her leaving! If she got hurt...
They burst out the school's doors to the scene of people running around in panic.
"Ohohohoho!"
"That way!" Uotani shouted; not like she needed to. They ran past the terrified students, through a copse of tree, and-
Skidded to a halt. At the other side of the clearing was a... A cross between a woman and a...
"A gopher?" said Uotani.
Fur. Long incisors that could, by no stretch of the imagination, but called "buck-toothed." Non-human ears. Rodent-like nose. Yet, it — she — stood erect, with human legs and human arms ending in clawed hands. Her whiskers twitched and her ears flicked this way and that; could that possibly be a costume?
"Ohohoho!"
He snapped his head around and- Ayame?! No. The face was similar, as was the long white hair... But there was no way that Ayame's legs could look that good. And he couldn't fake breasts like that, not with a blouse so thin and tight and-
"Yo, Prince, don't drool. Especially not over someone who looks like she forgot to wear her spiked shoulder pads."
"Good!" said the woman, dramatically flinging her midnight-black cape behind her. "Some fresh meat to play with." She turned to the human/animal hybrid and snapped "Gopherette!"
"So it is a gopher," said Uotani.
"Kill them!"
The gopher-thing rushed at them, but Yuki did nothing; he just couldn't take it seriously. Really, when you got stuck in a situation straight out of a cheesy anime, what were-
"Cutey!"
Gopherette stumbled as Yuki turned towards the voice. It seemed to have come from a girl in a ridiculous metallic gold and blindingly white school girl uniform, spasmodically waving a rod around while performing a pirouette.
"Kill her!" shouted the woman with the tight blouse and great legs while pointing at the girl. "Her!"
Gopherette spun and rushed at her, and Yuki sprinted after it; somehow, it had suddenly clicked that this was real, and that he couldn't let the girl get hurt. Catching up, he delivered a vicious chop to the back of it's neck, then a crescent-
The world suddenly spun as pain blazed through his chest.
"Oof!"
Wha? Did he hit the ground? He shakily lifted his head to see Gopherette stalking towards him, hissing.
"No, no, no!" screamed the white haired woman. "The girl, you idiot! The girl!"
"Syrup!" called out the girl as Gopherette looked back and forth between Yuki and her.
"The girl!"
The gopher-thing hesitated, shook its head in confusion...
"Blast!"
BOOM!
A few shreds of charred fur drifted down through the air.
Uotani whistled. "Man, that was something."
"Grrrr! You!" cried the scowling woman, pointing at the girl in the strange outfit. "You... You... Whoever you are! This is the only time you'll interfere, for I'll take care of you myself!"
"Hey now," said Uotani as she casually ambled up to the woman. "Don't forget about us, huh? The 'fresh meat'?"
The woman gave her a contemptuous glance.
"I'll get to you later. No, you... whoever you are. Prepare toOof !"
She doubled over, the end of a steel pipe buried in her stomach. Uotani jerked it back, slammed it down on the top of her head, then rammed her knee into her chin as she fell. Surprisingly, the instant the woman hit the ground, she began struggling to her feet.
"Oh," said Uotani, bouncing the pipe on her should. "Ah tough one, are you?" She brought the pipe down in a vicious overhanded arc-
Which struck a translucent sphere surrounding the woman, bounding back and hitting Uotani in the head. She fell to the ground, hands clutching her head, as the woman staggered to her feet; the strange girl rushed over to Uotani's side, kneeling down to check her head.
"Goo-" the woman grimaced and spat out some blood. "Good. The three of you are altogether now. That will make putting you all through Hell that much easier."
"Put who through hell?" asked a quite voice.
Yuki turned his head and winced at the pain it caused. Hanajima. Took her long enough, Yuki thought muzzily.
"Heh. If you want to play hero like your friends, it's too late! I've set up a barrier against physical attacks." She laughed manically as the sphere surrounding her flared.
"Physical attacks?" Hanajima asked thoughtfully.
"Yes, physical attacks, so-"
The woman began convulsing as electricity crawled up and down her body, her clothes smoldering. Yuki blinked; he thought those power of hers were only rumors...
She stepped closer to the re-collapsed woman, face as expressionless as ever. The tiny lightning bolts faded, and she asked "Why did you attack Uotani and Sohma?"
The woman simply glared up at her, defiant, as tendrils of smoke drifted up from her clothes.
"No?" Hanajima asked. "Very well then."
"No!" Yuki called out weakly, his breath still knocked out of him. "Don't-"
A bolt of lightning blasted Hanajima, hurling her back several yards to land in a heap. The strangely dressed girl rushed over to check on her as the woman got shakily to her feet.
"I- I- I-" she stuttered as the occasional spark flew off of her. "I never e-expected someone w-with such strong mental powers." Weaving her hands in an intricate pattern, the translucent sphere around her thickened. "Now that I have shielded myself against every type of attack, I think I shall enjoy... playing with her."
At this statement the strangely dressed girl stood, a determined, yet scared, look on her face.
"I... I won't let you hurt them anymore!"
"Really?" sneered the woman; she really does have great legs, Yuki thought absently. "You may have taken care of Gopherette, but what are you going to do when confronted with me?!"
"I... I..." she clenched her hands around the rod — the wand — in growing panic, then thrust it out at the woman.
"Abracadabra!"
"What?" Yuki and the woman said in unison.
"Hocus pocus!"
The woman blinked.
"Bippity-boppity-boo!"
She threw her head back and laughed.
"'Hocus pocus', little girl? You think that will stop the likes of me? Why... What?"
She grabbed a lock of her white hair and stared at it. It seemed to be... Yes, it was growing longer. Down to her waist... Down to her knees...
"What the hell is- Urk!"
Pale locks of hair danced and writhed and squeezed her neck. Her hands yanked and clawed at the living coiffure in a desperate attempt to breath.
"Gggghhh... Gggghhhh... I'll... get... you... for..."
And she quickly faded away.
The strangely dressed girl blinked, blinked again, then gave a full body jerk as she realized what happened.
"Oh! I... Ah... That is..."
She blinked again, then put her hands on her hips and struck a dramatic pose.
"Vile... evil person! Schools are places for learning, not for... being attacked at! In the name of dinner, I, Sailor Moon, have punished you!"
Tossing her hair back, she spun on her heel, then froze.
"Wait, no," she mused, "not dinner, no, in the name of..."
"Hold on," said Uotani, who had pushed herself up to her knees. "You can't be Sailor Moon: even with all the crazy stuff that just happened, Sailor Moon is still just a manga."
"I... No!" the self proclaimed magical girl said, frantically waving her arms in denial. "No no no no! I'm, I'm not, I didn't mean to, I'm not really..." She began hopping from foot to foot and wringing her hands as she wailed "Ohhhh, I can't tell you who I am!"
Strange; the way the girl way acting seemed familiar. Yuki tried pushing himself upright, and groaned as a headache washed through his skull.
"Oh"! cried the magical girl as she rushed towards him. "Sohma-kun, are you alright?"
Sohma-kun? How did she know his name? And why "-kun"? He tried to wave off her offer of help, but she grabbed the arm he was waving and yanked him up to his feet, on a collision course with her body-
Her body. Her body was pressed up against his, and he hadn't transformed. Her body, soft and warm, with her breasts-
He leapt back, his face burning.
"I..." he said. Could it be a boy in drag? No, fake breasts wouldn't have felt like that. He didn't have any experience to back that judgment up, but-
His face instantly grew hotter when he realized what he was thinking.
"I-" they said simultaneously.
He looked up and studied her crimson face. Why hadn't he transformed? Why... She looked familiar for some reason: huge eyes, brown hair, the way she held herself, the-
"Awwww, isn't this cute." A battered Uotani, supporting an unsteady looking Hanajima, walked up to them. "So, when are you going to ask her out?"
"No!" Yuki and the girl chorused as the waved their arms. "No! IWe -"
They stopped when Hanajima shook free of Uotani and stumbled up to the magical girl. Pushing a strand of hair out of her face, she studied the closely.
"Your denpa..." she murmured, narrowing her eyes.
"Eheheh," laughed the girl as she shifted nervously. "I... I have to be going..."
Hanajima's eyes flew open. "Tohru-kun?"
The girl paled, then spun and ran for the woods.
Honda-san?!