Chapter IV (REVISED)
No Need for Inu-Yasha!

"I wont tell you again, I want that piece of the jewel right now!" The guy with cat ears said. "Don't make me cut you a new one!"
"Now see here," Soun said. "That's my daughter your talking to, show some respect."
"Don't you know that I can gut you like a fish? I don't have to show respect, I'm too damn cool!"
"Hey, that's my wife and I gave her the jewel. If you want to gut some one like a fish . . . gut the dwarf!" Ryoga said.
"It started out so good, but then turned cowardly." Nabiki spat.
"He does have a rather large sword." Soun added.
"Rally Ho!" The little green dwarf cried.
"DIE!" Inu-Yasha shouted, cutting the little creature in half. To everyone's shock it regenerated, there were now two dwarfs!
"Rally Ho!" They both cried.
"Mommy!" Nabiki cried, going into the fetal position.
"Mommy!" Soun agreed, copying his daughter's actions.
"Rally ho!" The dwarfs said happily.
"Ahh!" Inu-Yasha cried. "They're to freaky! I have to retreat, but I'll be back for the jewel shard!"
"Eh . . . okay." Ryoga said. He waved goodbye.
"Rally ho!" The dwarfs waved goodbye.
"They are so scary!" Soun cried.
"Ah dunno ken hut chur 'alking aboot." The dwarf said.
"Kill it!" Nabiki cried.
"KAHHHHHMMMAAAAAYYYYYHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
"Oh no, the DBZ guys finished their power up scene!" Ryoga cried.
"It's okay, even when he's done saying it, it'll take forever for the blast to hit us." Soun said.
"Rally ho!" The dwarfs cried cheerfully.
"AAAHHH!" Soun cried, not so cheerfully. "Kill them Ryoga! Kill them and I'll let you marry my daughter legally!"
"Legally? Didn't you hear the story? We didn't want to get married!" Ryoga cried.
"Then I'll let you disgrace her publicly by getting a divorce!"
"What!" Nabiki shouted. "Ryoga don't kill the dwarves!"
"Two dead dwarfs coming right up!" Ryoga said.
"Hey!" Nabiki cried. "We haven't even consummated our marriage and you want a divorce already? I'm humiliated!"
"Rally ho?" Two very confused dwarfs asked.
"Bandanna attack!" Ryoga cried, cutting them both in half with two bandannas. They regenerated, the top halves were the first to shout those wicked words that made a certain FF9 player marry stupid Dagger just to get out of the dwarf city.
"RALLY HO!" The top halves with faces cried.
"RALLY HO!" The bottom halves without faces somehow managed to cry just as loud before their mouths even formed.
The four dwarfs were shaking hands, and introducing themselves to each other.
"I'm Bolgott!"
"Aye, I'm Bolgott!"
"I'm Bolgott, Aye!"
"Aye, I'm Bolgott! Aye"
"Hmm . . . okay . . . I know! Hey, dwarfs!" Ryoga cried.
"Ach laddie! Wha d'you want?" The spokesdwarf asked.
"Jump in this sack, there's beer inside!"
"BEER!" The four Bolgotts cried together.
"Ach wanna pint!" One of them cried.
"Ach dunna ken ef I wanna pint or ach galloon."
"Ach wanna galloon!" Another cried.
"Ex fully small ta 'old ach galloon!" The last one cried, jumping in. Ryoga quickly tied the bag shut.
"Yay!" He cried.
"Just for the record, I wasn't scared of them." Nabiki said indignantly.
"Ack dunna see no beer in ere!" One of them cried from the sack.
"AAAHHHH!" Nabiki screamed. She jumped in the air like a cat and landed in Ryoga's arms. "SAVE ME!"
"I like these dwarfs." Ryoga said to himself.
"Ach 'ike ya too lad! Now let us oot ov ish bag so we can gut ye-ach mean be friendly toward ye."
"Okay!" Ryoga said.
"No! No!" Nabiki cried. "Did you even listen to what it said?" she demanded.
"I did, I just didn't understand it." Ryoga said.
A big knife came out of the sack and the dwarfs came out. "We wan oor galloons!" one of them cried.
"Oh! More children dressed up for Halloween!" Kasumi cried as she came down stairs.
"Ach, esh a bar maid! Ach be sleeping well oonight!"
"Ach, me first!"
"Aye she 'ooks like a spirited one!"
"I do not want to understand what they are saying." Ryoga said.
"I caught every word." Tendo said, sucking his thumb now. "Kill them! AAAHHH! MOMMY!"

Inu-Yasha glared at the perverted monk who followed his little group around. "Listen here you sorry excuse for a man of the cloth-I'd have gotten that jewel shard if that demon with the bandana didn't summon his little-eh I mean giant green monster to stop me, okay?!"
"What? I didn't say anything!" The monk cried in protest.
"Kagome, cant you get the jewel by pretending to be nice to him?"
"How nice?" Kagome asked. "If he's a deadly demon, wont I have to be on my guard?"
"No!" Inu-Yasha said. "My plan is simple. He kills you and I take the jewel from the girl!"
"There's a girl now?" The chick with the big boomerang asked. "A minute ago it was an army of armored samurais."
"Eh . . . he played mind tricks on me!" Inuyasha cried.
"He'll do that!" A boy with a short ponytail said. He wore baggy cloths and had a wooden sword hilt. "I'm Tenchi, and those Ranma jerks are my enemies too. You have to watch out for their mind tricks, the one with the bandanna made me THINK I was giving him my carrot crops, but in truth he stole them."
"You said he beat you up and took them!" A woman with spiky red hair said. "Don't make me invent a lie detector Tenchi!"
"It's already been done." Tenchi said. "Anyway, we could be even stronger if we join forces."
"Wow!" A girl with long blue hair and pig tails cried. "What a cute little fox man thing!"
"Aaahhh!" Shippou cried. "She's fondling mmeeeee!"
"An alliance would work to our advantage if this foe is more powerful than Inuyasha." The monk said.
"Listen here Monk, no one is more powerful than, or even as cool as me!" Inuyasha snapped. "I was just caught off guard!"
"My name is Miroku, and you know its Miroku!" The monk said.
"Know, but don't care." Inuyasha noted.
"I'll help you to CRUSH those Ranma One Half jerks!" A little boy with glasses in robes said. "I'm Harry Potter!"
"We know you're Harry Potter!" Tenchi cried. "I thought we left you with the Ghost of Sailor Moon in Chapter One!"
"You did, but I escaped with the help of the Ghost of Sailor Mercury! We geeks need to stick together!"
"You're not a geek!" Tenchi cried.
"The glasses make a convincing argument, and I was willing to claim to be anything to get out of that TV series." Potter said coldly. "Though that chick who played chess and turned things into ice was really attractive, she didn't even give me the time of day, I had to put a curse on her so that she'd fade into the background and never be a truly important character."
"Okay fine, we'll let you join up, but only as a spy." The monk said. "Go and seek information on our enemies, and bring it back to us!"
"Yay! I'm important!" Potter cried. "Can my friend Ron come too?"
"Sure, why not?" The monk sighed. When Potter left he said "Now that he's out of the way, let's make a real plan. The way I see it Inuyasha acts like a moron, and hacks things up with his really big sword while the rest of us do the real work."
"Hey!" Inuyasha whined.
"Oh you're so smart Miroku!" Shippou cried. "Now think of a way to get this girl off me! She's crushing me!"
"The perfect replacement for Ryoohki!" The girl said.
"Meow?" a weird rabbit cat thing said. 'Replacement?'
Inuyasha scoffed. "Maybe I'm not the nicest guy around, maybe my sword is pretty huge, and maybe I'm not the brightest star in the sky, but my sword isn't that big! Wait, that's a good thing. I'm not that stupid!" He said.
"Yes, yes, we all hear what you're saying . . . though we don't care. Okay Inuyasha, your role in all this is to distract their fighters while we sneak in and steal the jewel." Miroku said. "Sango, Tenchi and Ryouko will be your backup."
"Sango and who?"
"Tenchi and Ryouko, honestly, cant you bother to learn their names?"
"Bite me, monk!"
"It's Miroku!" Miroku sighed. "Okay, adjustment to the plan. Inuyasha will distract their warriors and draw up a perimeter, taking any arrow shots or energy blasts directed towards Sango, Tenchi and Ryouko because they are not jerks." Miroku said.
"Yes! I like that plan!" Inuyasha said. "Wait . . . I have to take all the hits?"
"That's the plan."
Inuyasha tapped the stupid priest on the forehead to get his attention, which he already had anyway. "I don't like that plan." He said.
"Too late, planning session is over! Right everyone?"
"Hmm? Oh sure." Tenchi shrugged.
"Whatever you say." Sango said.
"I was eating a potato chip, what did you say?" Kagome asked.
"See? Too late to make adjustments to the plan." Miroku said.

Konatsu froze when none other than Harry Potter and . . . his sidekick whose name isn't worth remember walked into the restaurant.
"We're here for information on . . .you!" Potter cried when he saw Konatsu.
"You!" Konatsu spat back at Potter. "How dare you come here! I cant let you leave this place alive!"
"Hey!" Ukyo shouted. "Did I tell ya to quit sweeping, sugar?"
"Eh . . . no." Konatsu said. He glared at Potter. "Just you wait! I'll make you pay for what you did to me Potter! I'll shove that wand of yours where the sun don't shine!"
"And where would that be? Wait a second . . . eeewwww!" Potter cried.
"What do you two want to eat?" Ukyo asked them.
"Two poisoned specials!" Konatsu cried.
"Somebody is being awfully talkative today! Maybe I have to get my bullwhip!" Ukyo said, cracking her knuckles.
"No mistress!" Konatsu threw himself on the floor. "Not that! The regular whip is just fine! I like the regular whip, please not the bullwhip!"
"That's right, now back to work!" Ukyo snapped. She glared at the two wizards. "What are you staring at? Bring your eyes higher and you'll see my face!"
"What the . . . are you a boy or a girl?" Potter's sidekick demanded. "Cause you look like a guy but you have breasts. Are you a shemale?"
"Hmm . . . Two poisoned specials coming right up." Ukyo nodded.
"Do those taste good?" Potter asked.
"You won't last long enough for you brain to sense any taste." Konatsu giggled wickedly.
"Oh good. I always get nervous when I eat foreign food." Potter said. "Listen, were looking for information on Ranma One Half Jerks. Were not sure who or what they are, but we were told this would be a good place to look for information."
"Die mortals!" Konatsu cried, flinging himself towards Potter, katana drawn.
"Down!" Ukyo snapped. "So! You want to know about Ranma-honey eh? What do you want to know then?" Ukyo demanded.
"What's his weakness? Where is his base? Who is the fanged demon who works with him, who has the sacred jewel shard, and how to kill him."
"Eh . . . cats, Tendo training hall, Ryoga, Nabiki and you cant because he's the main character?" Ukyo offered.
"She lies!" Konatsu cried. "Dogs, the big hole I just got done digging in the ground with the spikes on the bottom, Shampoo, Mousse, and you'll automatically kill Ranma if you jump into the big hole I just got done digging in the ground with the spikes on the bottom!"
"Hmm . . . I'll take the shemale's advice, Ron, you take the cross dresser's advice."
"Cross dresser!?" Konatsu cried. "What does Tsubasa have to do with anything? Wait, you mean me? Why you son of a--"
"If you call me a shemale one more time I'll tare you up and cook you in an okonomiyaki!" Ukyo cried.
"Huh? What-oh-what-he-who-key? What kinda stupid crap is that?" Potter cried.
"Hold me back Konatsu! Hold me back! They have insulted okonomiyaki! They must die!" Ukyo cried out.
"I'm not holding anyone back! I say kill them!" Konatsu cried.
"Harry, I think we should run for our lives." Harry's cowardly companion said.
"Quite right Ron, quite right." Harry said.
"I give you to the count of three. To be sporting." Ukyo spat.
"What? No! Don't let the rotter get away! I wanna kill him! You don't know what that little rat has done to me! He must DIE!" Konatsu protested.
"Silence, don't make me get the bullwhip!"
"Aww! He got away!" Konatsu cried.
"Nonsense! Close up early, were hunting book characters, sugar!"
"Yay!" Konatsu went about preparing to close up shop.
Ukyo ran out the door, then came back in promptly. "I almost fell into a big hole in the ground with spikes on the bottom with several possible customers impaled on them." She said calmly. "I'm going to assume you know who put it there?"
"Eh . . . yes . . . I dug it to kill Potter . . ."
"I'm getting the bullwhip." Ukyo said calmly.
"NNNOOO!" Konatsu whined.

To Be Continued . . . Even though you all wish it would END!