Disclaimer: I don't own (deep breath) In order of importance, Ranma 1/2, Tenchi (or any of it's spin offs) Dragon Ball Z, Pokemon, Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9 and or 10, Sailor Moon, Harry Potter, Inu-Yasha (A.K.A. Inuyasha) or the movie Congo. (The one with the albino monkeys and the sign language speaking guerilla.)
Part V (REVISED)
No Need for Monkey Business!
"I cannot believe you are trying to divorce me!" Nabiki cried.
"I can't believe you're not on my side!" Ryoga pleaded.
"I won't sign any papers!" Nabiki scowled.
"That's okay, I'll forge your signature!" Soun said happily.
"No!" She wailed.
"I'm Bolgott!" One of the dwarves said to Kasumi as it tried to climb up her leg and get to the bowl of candy she held.
"I'm Kasumi! I'm so happy to meet you!"
"I'm Bolgott!" Another added.
"Aye, and I'm Bolgott, aye."
"I'm Bolgott aye! An I wanna 'ave a go wit yeah inta sack wench!"
"Wench? Which one of you is wench?" Kasumi asked.
"Aye da bar maid ash 'andy fer us!"
"'andy an a goo inta sack! Tis Bolgott's favorite things!"
"Rally ho!" All four cried.
"Aren't they just so adorable?" Kasumi asked Ryoga.
Ryoga frowned. "What the heck are they saying?"
"None of you want to know." Soun said calmly. "And stop talking about them, I'm pretending they don't exist."
"Rally ho!" They all cried, jumping on Soun and trying to knife him to death. Unfortunately only one of them had a knife and he was the one trying to climb up Kasumi's leg.
"This is all quite scary." Soun said.
"Rally ho!" The freaky little green things cried.
"Hello?" Nabiki demanded. "Doesn't anyone want to know why I don't really want a divorce from Ryoga?"
"We stopped caring when the dwarves intentions for you sexually oblivious older sister became clear." Soun said calmly. "But if you want to tell us, go right ahead."
Nabiki glared at them. "Oh forget it! I'll tell my story to some one better suited to understand me than any of you!" She walked over to the wall. "Hello wall!" She shouted loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Rally ho!" Bolgott cried.
"Well met e wall!" Bolgott said.
"D'ya ken ow ta get to da 'andy the bar wench is 'olding?" Bolgott asked.
"Rally Ho! Da knife goos in an coomes oot, but no blood is aboot!" Bolgott complained.
"Get this little green FREAK off my back." Soun Tendo said calmly. "Then, perhaps, my little girl . . . can tell me . . . why she wants to remain married to this idiot!" He began to cry. "Oh my little girl is growing up so fast! So fast I say, so fast!"
Inuyasha charged forward, screaming his battle cry. "DISH PANS!"
His backup also charged forward. Their battle cries were less impressive and much less fear inspiring than Inuyasha's.
"Charge!" Sango cried.
"YYAAAHHH!" Tenchi screamed.
"Purple Monkey Dish Washer!" Ryouko cried. Everyone paused and stared. "What? It's better than Dish Pans!" They continued the charge.
The Ranma One Half fortress was lightly defended. In fact there was no defense. So it was a surprise when suddenly two wizards appeared, Inuyasha feared that they had been found out, but then he realized it was that stupid Harry Potter! Victory was guaranteed!
"Shemale THIS you little rat!" Someone cried. Suddenly a huge spatula struck the ground right in front of him.
"No!" Sango cried. "Only I can use huge weapons! Only me! Die woman die!" Sango threw her boomerang at the approaching ninja. She responded by throwing miniature spatulas. A dozen of the things striking certain spots that made Sango's cloths fall off. The embarrassed Demon Exterminator ran off screaming.
The ninja girl landed and laughed wickedly. "So you must be friends of Harry Potter!" She cried,
"No! We hate the little prick!" Tenchi cried.
"He's our lackey!" Inuyasha cried. "We've no strong friendship with him at all!"
"Good!" Ukyo laughed. "Because I wanna cut your hair you long white haired kitten!" She cried.
"I'm a DOG demon!" Inuyasha cried. Inuyasha, Tenchi, and Ryouko all charged her together. And she pulled forth her spatula and with one stroke sent them all flying.
A half hour latter . . .
Miroku smiled happily as Sango dressed herself in her spare set of cloths. He turned to all assembled in war council. "Now, generals Inuyasha, Tenchi and commander Ryouko will give a detailed an no doubt thorough and trustworthy report on the strength of the Ranma One Half army.
Tenchi and Ryouko were obviously ashamed of their defeat. "We elect General Inuyasha to inform you of how the battle fared!" Tenchi cried.
Miroku nodded.
Inuyasha frowned. "Well . . . eh . . . I mean . . . eh . . . HEY! Those mo fo's got like . . . a million armed soldiers!"
"I see . . ." Miroku nodded. "Very well then . . . we will just have to come up with an army of our own." He began to cackle wickedly. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Wait a second!" Tenchi cried. "Why didn't you guys sneak in from behind and get the jewel like the plan said?"
"Hmm? Oh we got sidetracked when we found this GREAT Ramen place." Miroku explained.
Meanwhile, as Ukyo tortured Konatsu, Harry Potter, and Ron Weaseley or whatever his name is, with her bullwhip, hand cuffs and leather outfits, Ryoga Hibiki sat in council with the Tendo and Saotome clans.
"We must do something about all these attacks." Soun said. "It's cutting in on my-"
"I'm Bolgott!" Ranma said in a dwarven voice.
"AAAHHHH!"
Akane sighed. "Can Ranma and I go play in my room?"
"Why do you want to do that?" Kasumi asked.
"I'm horny . . . eh . . . I mean . . . I'm . . . thorny. Yeah, that's it. I'm thorny and I need Ranma to pull the thorns out of my hot steamy body!"
"What sha HECK are ye 'talkin aboot!?" Nabiki cried.
"Shut up!" Akane cried. "You think you're so big and bad, just cause you landed a husband!"
"Well 'ell yeah I do!" Nabiki snapped. "And I 'idnt even 'ave ter be engaged fer some odd months! And I 'idnt 'ave to contend wit' t'ree other wenches fer him!"
"The dwarf speech is rubbing off on her." Kasumi observed.
"Ah shaddap lassie 'an fetch me ah pint!" Nabiki cried.
"No beer for minors." Kasumi said calmly.
"Don't mind her dwarf speech. It's her way of coping with the little monsters." Ryoga further explained.
"Aha! Husband lad, 'ets goo 'ave a roll inta sack!" Nabiki cried.
"This disturbs me. I cannot understand a word she just said . . ." Ryoga said calmly, "yet I'm compelled to comply."
"Regardless . . . why doesn't Nabiki want a divorce?" Ranma said. "She must explain! My chances of marrying her may be ruined!"
"Hey!" Ryoga cried. "She's my wife now, Ranma!"
"Not for long!" Kinnosuke cried.
"She shall be mine again!" Kuno added.
"I thought you liked Akane!" Ranma protested to Kuno.
"Hmm? You mean we are not talking about Akane?"
"No, were talking about Nabiki." Ryoga growled.
"Oh. Then I withdraw my words, and will sit in to see if you say anything about Akane." Kuno said.
"Ach gotta stoory ta tell ye." Nabiki said.
"The dwarfs are gone Nabiki." Kasumi sighed. "Long gone."
"Oh. Thank gawd." Nabiki sighed. "Okay, anyway I have a story to tell you about mine and Ryoga's unconsummated marriage!"
"Yay! Unconsummated!" Ranma cried. "The 'ell does "unconsummated" mean?"
Kinnosuke whispered something in Ranma's ear. Ranma blushed, then laughed at Ryoga. "Hahah! Unconsummated loser!".
"If I may continue," Nabiki said. "It all started on our honeymoon . . ."
"We never had a-oof!" Ryoga grunted when Nabiki elbowed him in the gut.
"What I consider to be our honeymoon." Nabiki explained. "You see we were in Final Fantasy Seven when it happened, and I was captured by some freak called Don Corn or something. Anyway he dolled me up and wanted to do me! The sick pig! Anyway Ryoga and Tsubassa bust in there dressed like ladies and rescue me! From that time on I vowed my body and soul to Ryoga, my darling husband!"
"Actually, Tsubassa wasn't trying to rescue you . . . he just tagged along." Ryoga mumbled. "Telling me how great it was to play dress up and asking me what kind of panties I preferred." Ryoga frowned and lowered his head. "Silk." He added.
"All the more heroic your deed!" Nabiki said. "And . . . too much information sweet heart."
"Ryoga dressed up like a girl?" Akane questioned.
"Ryoga dressed up like a girl!" Ranma laughed.
"But Nabiki! How could you fall for such a . . . a . . . I don't know what to call him, but he isn't as pretty as me!" Kinnosuke cried.
"Silence!" Nabiki cried. "I'm not finished. Because then, as we were taking a luxury Garden Cruise in Final Fantasy Eight, we met up with this cute couple, Seifer, and Quistis, and Seifer liked to swing!"
"I don't think they were a couple, it looked like they were fighting, and he didn't want to swing, he dared me to take a swing." Ryoga explained.
"Oh! Well . . . I guess it's less heroic for me to tell them how you laid him flat with one punch . . . um . . . well anyway when we found ourselves in Final Fantasy Ten, this guy in red with a big sword came up to us and told us that Tidus-whoever he is-was accidentally killed early in the "game" and he needed us to play through, so we did. It came to this point where this little whore Yuna wanted to make out with Ryoga underwater, and Ryoga said "no" threw her into the water and then we ran from her giant blue tiger thing! And then we got lost in a giant closet! But Ryoga defended my honor in each Final Fantasy game! He is my true love!" Nabiki explained.
"That's impossible!" Akane cried.
"Yeah, Ryoga loves playing in the water!" Ranma sneered.
"Actually everything she's said is true . . . but I don't see why it made her fall in love with me." Ryoga said.
"I was horny." Nabiki shrugged.
"Then why is your marriage unconsummated?" Kasumi asked.
"Well . . . I'm not gonna do it with just anyone c'mon, what sort of girl do you think I am?" Nabiki demanded.
"But he's your husband!" Soun cried.
"And he good in bed too!" Shampoo added. Everyone stared at her. Then at Ryoga. "Shampoo guess." Shampoo added and saved herself from Nabiki who was coiling up like a panther ready to pounce.
Nabiki glared at her. Then at Ryoga. Then at Shampoo again. "Shampoo better be guessing!" Nabiki finally announced.
"I'm Bolgott!"
"AAAHHH!" Nabiki screamed, jumping into Ryoga's arms.
"I may just grow to really like these dwarfs." Ryoga said to himself.
Meanwhile . . . Ukyo interrogated Konatsu. "So sugar, what's up between you and Potter anyway?"
Konatsu frowned. "The little jerkwad! I was visiting Hogwarts during his fourth book, and the rat forced me to be his date! Oh the book said differently when the author discovered I was a MALE, but the after date . . . activities . . . that ensued will never be forgotten!" Konatsu cried.
"You did it with Potter?" Ukyo gasped.
"No, the nappy haired friend of his. But it was terrible none the less!"
"Sounds like fun!" Ukyo cried.
"It wasn't. She wouldn't shut up about all the spells she knew. I blame Potter thoroughly."
"That is actually pretty lame." Ukyo said.
"I have another reason . . . but it is far to personal!"
"Not as personal as sleeping with Potter's smarty pants friend?"
"Nowhere near as personal as that." Konatsu frowned.
"Yay! Tell me!" Ukyo cried.
"No! No never!" Konatsu cried.
"Tell me or I gets me Bullwhip and I plays with you in the dirty way sugar!"
"No! Never!" Konatsu cried. "Wait . . . No! Not the bullwhip! I'll talk! I'll talk!"
Inuyasha frowned as he sat in the dirt, with a huge albino guerilla picking fleas out of his hair. Of course he hadn't had any fleas (besides Myouga) before coming here!
"It's wonderful!" Miroku cried. "They see Inuyasha's hair as a sex symbol, they have agreed to help us on the condition that Inuyasha allows them a hour to worship his hair every Sunday."
"Yay!" Everyone cried.
"Why did it have to be MY hair?" Inuyasha whined.
"Don't worry!" Miroku grinned. "Now we can fight that Ranma filth and get the sacred jewel!"
To Be Continued!
Part V (REVISED)
No Need for Monkey Business!
"I cannot believe you are trying to divorce me!" Nabiki cried.
"I can't believe you're not on my side!" Ryoga pleaded.
"I won't sign any papers!" Nabiki scowled.
"That's okay, I'll forge your signature!" Soun said happily.
"No!" She wailed.
"I'm Bolgott!" One of the dwarves said to Kasumi as it tried to climb up her leg and get to the bowl of candy she held.
"I'm Kasumi! I'm so happy to meet you!"
"I'm Bolgott!" Another added.
"Aye, and I'm Bolgott, aye."
"I'm Bolgott aye! An I wanna 'ave a go wit yeah inta sack wench!"
"Wench? Which one of you is wench?" Kasumi asked.
"Aye da bar maid ash 'andy fer us!"
"'andy an a goo inta sack! Tis Bolgott's favorite things!"
"Rally ho!" All four cried.
"Aren't they just so adorable?" Kasumi asked Ryoga.
Ryoga frowned. "What the heck are they saying?"
"None of you want to know." Soun said calmly. "And stop talking about them, I'm pretending they don't exist."
"Rally ho!" They all cried, jumping on Soun and trying to knife him to death. Unfortunately only one of them had a knife and he was the one trying to climb up Kasumi's leg.
"This is all quite scary." Soun said.
"Rally ho!" The freaky little green things cried.
"Hello?" Nabiki demanded. "Doesn't anyone want to know why I don't really want a divorce from Ryoga?"
"We stopped caring when the dwarves intentions for you sexually oblivious older sister became clear." Soun said calmly. "But if you want to tell us, go right ahead."
Nabiki glared at them. "Oh forget it! I'll tell my story to some one better suited to understand me than any of you!" She walked over to the wall. "Hello wall!" She shouted loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Rally ho!" Bolgott cried.
"Well met e wall!" Bolgott said.
"D'ya ken ow ta get to da 'andy the bar wench is 'olding?" Bolgott asked.
"Rally Ho! Da knife goos in an coomes oot, but no blood is aboot!" Bolgott complained.
"Get this little green FREAK off my back." Soun Tendo said calmly. "Then, perhaps, my little girl . . . can tell me . . . why she wants to remain married to this idiot!" He began to cry. "Oh my little girl is growing up so fast! So fast I say, so fast!"
Inuyasha charged forward, screaming his battle cry. "DISH PANS!"
His backup also charged forward. Their battle cries were less impressive and much less fear inspiring than Inuyasha's.
"Charge!" Sango cried.
"YYAAAHHH!" Tenchi screamed.
"Purple Monkey Dish Washer!" Ryouko cried. Everyone paused and stared. "What? It's better than Dish Pans!" They continued the charge.
The Ranma One Half fortress was lightly defended. In fact there was no defense. So it was a surprise when suddenly two wizards appeared, Inuyasha feared that they had been found out, but then he realized it was that stupid Harry Potter! Victory was guaranteed!
"Shemale THIS you little rat!" Someone cried. Suddenly a huge spatula struck the ground right in front of him.
"No!" Sango cried. "Only I can use huge weapons! Only me! Die woman die!" Sango threw her boomerang at the approaching ninja. She responded by throwing miniature spatulas. A dozen of the things striking certain spots that made Sango's cloths fall off. The embarrassed Demon Exterminator ran off screaming.
The ninja girl landed and laughed wickedly. "So you must be friends of Harry Potter!" She cried,
"No! We hate the little prick!" Tenchi cried.
"He's our lackey!" Inuyasha cried. "We've no strong friendship with him at all!"
"Good!" Ukyo laughed. "Because I wanna cut your hair you long white haired kitten!" She cried.
"I'm a DOG demon!" Inuyasha cried. Inuyasha, Tenchi, and Ryouko all charged her together. And she pulled forth her spatula and with one stroke sent them all flying.
A half hour latter . . .
Miroku smiled happily as Sango dressed herself in her spare set of cloths. He turned to all assembled in war council. "Now, generals Inuyasha, Tenchi and commander Ryouko will give a detailed an no doubt thorough and trustworthy report on the strength of the Ranma One Half army.
Tenchi and Ryouko were obviously ashamed of their defeat. "We elect General Inuyasha to inform you of how the battle fared!" Tenchi cried.
Miroku nodded.
Inuyasha frowned. "Well . . . eh . . . I mean . . . eh . . . HEY! Those mo fo's got like . . . a million armed soldiers!"
"I see . . ." Miroku nodded. "Very well then . . . we will just have to come up with an army of our own." He began to cackle wickedly. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Wait a second!" Tenchi cried. "Why didn't you guys sneak in from behind and get the jewel like the plan said?"
"Hmm? Oh we got sidetracked when we found this GREAT Ramen place." Miroku explained.
Meanwhile, as Ukyo tortured Konatsu, Harry Potter, and Ron Weaseley or whatever his name is, with her bullwhip, hand cuffs and leather outfits, Ryoga Hibiki sat in council with the Tendo and Saotome clans.
"We must do something about all these attacks." Soun said. "It's cutting in on my-"
"I'm Bolgott!" Ranma said in a dwarven voice.
"AAAHHHH!"
Akane sighed. "Can Ranma and I go play in my room?"
"Why do you want to do that?" Kasumi asked.
"I'm horny . . . eh . . . I mean . . . I'm . . . thorny. Yeah, that's it. I'm thorny and I need Ranma to pull the thorns out of my hot steamy body!"
"What sha HECK are ye 'talkin aboot!?" Nabiki cried.
"Shut up!" Akane cried. "You think you're so big and bad, just cause you landed a husband!"
"Well 'ell yeah I do!" Nabiki snapped. "And I 'idnt even 'ave ter be engaged fer some odd months! And I 'idnt 'ave to contend wit' t'ree other wenches fer him!"
"The dwarf speech is rubbing off on her." Kasumi observed.
"Ah shaddap lassie 'an fetch me ah pint!" Nabiki cried.
"No beer for minors." Kasumi said calmly.
"Don't mind her dwarf speech. It's her way of coping with the little monsters." Ryoga further explained.
"Aha! Husband lad, 'ets goo 'ave a roll inta sack!" Nabiki cried.
"This disturbs me. I cannot understand a word she just said . . ." Ryoga said calmly, "yet I'm compelled to comply."
"Regardless . . . why doesn't Nabiki want a divorce?" Ranma said. "She must explain! My chances of marrying her may be ruined!"
"Hey!" Ryoga cried. "She's my wife now, Ranma!"
"Not for long!" Kinnosuke cried.
"She shall be mine again!" Kuno added.
"I thought you liked Akane!" Ranma protested to Kuno.
"Hmm? You mean we are not talking about Akane?"
"No, were talking about Nabiki." Ryoga growled.
"Oh. Then I withdraw my words, and will sit in to see if you say anything about Akane." Kuno said.
"Ach gotta stoory ta tell ye." Nabiki said.
"The dwarfs are gone Nabiki." Kasumi sighed. "Long gone."
"Oh. Thank gawd." Nabiki sighed. "Okay, anyway I have a story to tell you about mine and Ryoga's unconsummated marriage!"
"Yay! Unconsummated!" Ranma cried. "The 'ell does "unconsummated" mean?"
Kinnosuke whispered something in Ranma's ear. Ranma blushed, then laughed at Ryoga. "Hahah! Unconsummated loser!".
"If I may continue," Nabiki said. "It all started on our honeymoon . . ."
"We never had a-oof!" Ryoga grunted when Nabiki elbowed him in the gut.
"What I consider to be our honeymoon." Nabiki explained. "You see we were in Final Fantasy Seven when it happened, and I was captured by some freak called Don Corn or something. Anyway he dolled me up and wanted to do me! The sick pig! Anyway Ryoga and Tsubassa bust in there dressed like ladies and rescue me! From that time on I vowed my body and soul to Ryoga, my darling husband!"
"Actually, Tsubassa wasn't trying to rescue you . . . he just tagged along." Ryoga mumbled. "Telling me how great it was to play dress up and asking me what kind of panties I preferred." Ryoga frowned and lowered his head. "Silk." He added.
"All the more heroic your deed!" Nabiki said. "And . . . too much information sweet heart."
"Ryoga dressed up like a girl?" Akane questioned.
"Ryoga dressed up like a girl!" Ranma laughed.
"But Nabiki! How could you fall for such a . . . a . . . I don't know what to call him, but he isn't as pretty as me!" Kinnosuke cried.
"Silence!" Nabiki cried. "I'm not finished. Because then, as we were taking a luxury Garden Cruise in Final Fantasy Eight, we met up with this cute couple, Seifer, and Quistis, and Seifer liked to swing!"
"I don't think they were a couple, it looked like they were fighting, and he didn't want to swing, he dared me to take a swing." Ryoga explained.
"Oh! Well . . . I guess it's less heroic for me to tell them how you laid him flat with one punch . . . um . . . well anyway when we found ourselves in Final Fantasy Ten, this guy in red with a big sword came up to us and told us that Tidus-whoever he is-was accidentally killed early in the "game" and he needed us to play through, so we did. It came to this point where this little whore Yuna wanted to make out with Ryoga underwater, and Ryoga said "no" threw her into the water and then we ran from her giant blue tiger thing! And then we got lost in a giant closet! But Ryoga defended my honor in each Final Fantasy game! He is my true love!" Nabiki explained.
"That's impossible!" Akane cried.
"Yeah, Ryoga loves playing in the water!" Ranma sneered.
"Actually everything she's said is true . . . but I don't see why it made her fall in love with me." Ryoga said.
"I was horny." Nabiki shrugged.
"Then why is your marriage unconsummated?" Kasumi asked.
"Well . . . I'm not gonna do it with just anyone c'mon, what sort of girl do you think I am?" Nabiki demanded.
"But he's your husband!" Soun cried.
"And he good in bed too!" Shampoo added. Everyone stared at her. Then at Ryoga. "Shampoo guess." Shampoo added and saved herself from Nabiki who was coiling up like a panther ready to pounce.
Nabiki glared at her. Then at Ryoga. Then at Shampoo again. "Shampoo better be guessing!" Nabiki finally announced.
"I'm Bolgott!"
"AAAHHH!" Nabiki screamed, jumping into Ryoga's arms.
"I may just grow to really like these dwarfs." Ryoga said to himself.
Meanwhile . . . Ukyo interrogated Konatsu. "So sugar, what's up between you and Potter anyway?"
Konatsu frowned. "The little jerkwad! I was visiting Hogwarts during his fourth book, and the rat forced me to be his date! Oh the book said differently when the author discovered I was a MALE, but the after date . . . activities . . . that ensued will never be forgotten!" Konatsu cried.
"You did it with Potter?" Ukyo gasped.
"No, the nappy haired friend of his. But it was terrible none the less!"
"Sounds like fun!" Ukyo cried.
"It wasn't. She wouldn't shut up about all the spells she knew. I blame Potter thoroughly."
"That is actually pretty lame." Ukyo said.
"I have another reason . . . but it is far to personal!"
"Not as personal as sleeping with Potter's smarty pants friend?"
"Nowhere near as personal as that." Konatsu frowned.
"Yay! Tell me!" Ukyo cried.
"No! No never!" Konatsu cried.
"Tell me or I gets me Bullwhip and I plays with you in the dirty way sugar!"
"No! Never!" Konatsu cried. "Wait . . . No! Not the bullwhip! I'll talk! I'll talk!"
Inuyasha frowned as he sat in the dirt, with a huge albino guerilla picking fleas out of his hair. Of course he hadn't had any fleas (besides Myouga) before coming here!
"It's wonderful!" Miroku cried. "They see Inuyasha's hair as a sex symbol, they have agreed to help us on the condition that Inuyasha allows them a hour to worship his hair every Sunday."
"Yay!" Everyone cried.
"Why did it have to be MY hair?" Inuyasha whined.
"Don't worry!" Miroku grinned. "Now we can fight that Ranma filth and get the sacred jewel!"
To Be Continued!