Ch. 11
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Fallen
It was written by the poet Milton that satin, the incarnation of evil and hatred, was once the most beautiful angle. Indeed it is accepted dogma that fallen angles are forced to be demons. Hell is always described as burring, not due to fire, but due to a desire to be with god, with true love. Perhaps the worst fate in the universe is to know you could die tomorrow without a soul caring, know that you are doomed to obscurity. A meaningless nightmare on the shores of hell, all that awaits you...
Vic had long ago accept this fate. He was never 'normal'. He had always alienated himself, by choice. This was because if you let no one in, no one could hurt you. If you always kept your gourd up, nothing could get to you. But this also meant a lonely life, a life devoid of things that people say make life worth living, a live with no compassion, companionship, and without a soul caring who he was, or if he died.
So he sat in a place he had sworn long ago he would never go back to. He was doing an action he said he would never do. He knelt in a church and prayed. He had stopped praying long ago, not out of hatred for god, but hatred for himself. He viewed himself as a lost cause, a hopelessly lost soul, and pray was thus a waste of breath. He had viewed his whole life in terms of comparing himself to what he should be, and every time fell far short of his mark. He had fought the good fight, and had fought it alone, but never allowed himself to enjoy the rewards. And now the true coldness of his life set in, the perfect steralness of a labritory.
But now, the rules had changed. He watched as fate made him bare witness to the same pain and hurt, caste upon another, and he prayed for her soul, not his own:
It doesn't matter anymore, if I live or die. But dear God, king of the universe, I beg you on my knees, with whatever part of my soul is left, don't make another live my life. In 19 years I have asked for nothing, and if you could just save her, I will gladly take my place in hell. Please, don't make me watch this happen, don't make me go through this again. don't...
He heard the door open and a rush of air blow through the sacred temple. He didn't bother to look back, thinking it was just some elderly lady, who had death on her doorstep and was trying to make up for years of callus apathy twords humanity, with prays and donation. The church was small, very humble, and was very poor. Yet it had a holiness about it, it had a truth which was lost in the grand architecture of larger, more rich churches. It was very simply, 2 rows of pews, stain glass portraying Christ doing this and that on either side, the holy alter, with the podium in front. The ruff had a few holes, and birds nested snugly in the rafters of the church.
" Mike..." One word, one simple word, seemed to redefined the universe. He turned and there she was, there was Ayane. She still looked a bit weak, but was alright, for the most part. Her eyes darted around quickly, looking at the various things, and Vic realized that she had probably never been in a church.
" You shouldn't be up, it isn't healthy." His voice seemed to echo that of a mother, tell her child to stay in bed sternly, but with unyeildeeding compassion. He still hadn't looked up, this was mainly because he wept, and was ashamed of it.
" Yes but.." She spoke quietly, not wanting to disturb the slumbering christchan deity and invoke it's wrath. " But you have been gone for almost 7 hours, I was getting a little worried."
" Really, why?" He asked it genuinely, wanting to know.
" I... Don't know, I just was" Her glance fell on the cross. " What a way to die"
" Really."
" I don't understand that, if he was a god, then why did he allow himself to die like that"
" Because he knew that it was the only way to prove his love to us, the only way to show he really cared."
" Why, why care about people? All they do is hurt you in the end. They leave you worse then when they came, and they are so.. Bad. All they bring is pain."
" Your wrong, Ayane" He said this cautiously, checking every word. He was careful about the name too, for he had read it off her passport. " I told you I won't judge you, and I stick to that, but, I will worn you. The path you have choosing, leads no where. I can tell you this because the path you are on is the same path I am on, I am ahead, though. You said you can't sleep, continue on this path and you won't breath either. You think nights are bad, just wait for the day, the days of restlessness. The days that you know if you stop, even for a second, you will hear their screams, watch them die every time you blink. I have spent 19 years running, hiding, and it got to the point where I was working, or knocked out on sleep pills, nothing else but that, because if I slowed down, my demons would catch up."
" But your safe.."
"Safe, from what, joy, pleaser, any happiness. Yes, I am safe, but at what price? Is life worth living, if you live it alone?"
" I don't want to be hurt again, I.. Won't.." She said this, on the verge of tears, but very comandingly.
" Let me ask you this, if you knew what you know now, would you have still loved your step father?"
" Yes..."
" Why, in the end he caused you pain, he left you, why would you still care? Could it be that even the strongest soul, needs someone to help bear her burden?" His glance fell upon the cross, and he waited for her reply. He had put emphisi on her, so now he waited.
" Because what he gave me was worth the price... what are you doing here?" She said this to try and avoid the point he was making, she wasn't ready to accept it.
" I am doing something I haven't done for a long time, I am praying."
" Why, why now?"
" Because now there is something worth praying for. I am a lost cause, I a too far gone to help, I was praying for your sake."
Her eyes shot off the scenery she still looked at and focused on him. There was an alarm, and, at the same time, a gratitude. She looked like a scared rabbit, who had wondered into someone's house, and now looked desparetly for something familiar.
" Me?!"
" Yes, it is not to late for you. You still have a chance to escape my fate, still have a chance to be.. human. I was praying that you don't do what I have done, don't shut everyone out. If you do, a sad thing will happen, you will have endless days and sleepless nights, every moment you are conscious becoming a torrent of pain, and then, one day, you'll wake up and fell the pain, but you won't know why. You will see yourself, but not know who you are, you will be adrift in a sea of forsaken souls, to dead to be living, and to living to be dead. You will be like me." He said this not with sadness, but in a factual tone, and his voice was that of a broken soul and heave heart.
" Why, why not pray for yourself as well?"
" I told you I am lost, there is no hope..."
" I think there is... perhaps there is hope for both of us" At that she walked up, sat down next to him, got on her knees, and began to pray...
______________________________________________________________________________
Fallen
It was written by the poet Milton that satin, the incarnation of evil and hatred, was once the most beautiful angle. Indeed it is accepted dogma that fallen angles are forced to be demons. Hell is always described as burring, not due to fire, but due to a desire to be with god, with true love. Perhaps the worst fate in the universe is to know you could die tomorrow without a soul caring, know that you are doomed to obscurity. A meaningless nightmare on the shores of hell, all that awaits you...
Vic had long ago accept this fate. He was never 'normal'. He had always alienated himself, by choice. This was because if you let no one in, no one could hurt you. If you always kept your gourd up, nothing could get to you. But this also meant a lonely life, a life devoid of things that people say make life worth living, a live with no compassion, companionship, and without a soul caring who he was, or if he died.
So he sat in a place he had sworn long ago he would never go back to. He was doing an action he said he would never do. He knelt in a church and prayed. He had stopped praying long ago, not out of hatred for god, but hatred for himself. He viewed himself as a lost cause, a hopelessly lost soul, and pray was thus a waste of breath. He had viewed his whole life in terms of comparing himself to what he should be, and every time fell far short of his mark. He had fought the good fight, and had fought it alone, but never allowed himself to enjoy the rewards. And now the true coldness of his life set in, the perfect steralness of a labritory.
But now, the rules had changed. He watched as fate made him bare witness to the same pain and hurt, caste upon another, and he prayed for her soul, not his own:
It doesn't matter anymore, if I live or die. But dear God, king of the universe, I beg you on my knees, with whatever part of my soul is left, don't make another live my life. In 19 years I have asked for nothing, and if you could just save her, I will gladly take my place in hell. Please, don't make me watch this happen, don't make me go through this again. don't...
He heard the door open and a rush of air blow through the sacred temple. He didn't bother to look back, thinking it was just some elderly lady, who had death on her doorstep and was trying to make up for years of callus apathy twords humanity, with prays and donation. The church was small, very humble, and was very poor. Yet it had a holiness about it, it had a truth which was lost in the grand architecture of larger, more rich churches. It was very simply, 2 rows of pews, stain glass portraying Christ doing this and that on either side, the holy alter, with the podium in front. The ruff had a few holes, and birds nested snugly in the rafters of the church.
" Mike..." One word, one simple word, seemed to redefined the universe. He turned and there she was, there was Ayane. She still looked a bit weak, but was alright, for the most part. Her eyes darted around quickly, looking at the various things, and Vic realized that she had probably never been in a church.
" You shouldn't be up, it isn't healthy." His voice seemed to echo that of a mother, tell her child to stay in bed sternly, but with unyeildeeding compassion. He still hadn't looked up, this was mainly because he wept, and was ashamed of it.
" Yes but.." She spoke quietly, not wanting to disturb the slumbering christchan deity and invoke it's wrath. " But you have been gone for almost 7 hours, I was getting a little worried."
" Really, why?" He asked it genuinely, wanting to know.
" I... Don't know, I just was" Her glance fell on the cross. " What a way to die"
" Really."
" I don't understand that, if he was a god, then why did he allow himself to die like that"
" Because he knew that it was the only way to prove his love to us, the only way to show he really cared."
" Why, why care about people? All they do is hurt you in the end. They leave you worse then when they came, and they are so.. Bad. All they bring is pain."
" Your wrong, Ayane" He said this cautiously, checking every word. He was careful about the name too, for he had read it off her passport. " I told you I won't judge you, and I stick to that, but, I will worn you. The path you have choosing, leads no where. I can tell you this because the path you are on is the same path I am on, I am ahead, though. You said you can't sleep, continue on this path and you won't breath either. You think nights are bad, just wait for the day, the days of restlessness. The days that you know if you stop, even for a second, you will hear their screams, watch them die every time you blink. I have spent 19 years running, hiding, and it got to the point where I was working, or knocked out on sleep pills, nothing else but that, because if I slowed down, my demons would catch up."
" But your safe.."
"Safe, from what, joy, pleaser, any happiness. Yes, I am safe, but at what price? Is life worth living, if you live it alone?"
" I don't want to be hurt again, I.. Won't.." She said this, on the verge of tears, but very comandingly.
" Let me ask you this, if you knew what you know now, would you have still loved your step father?"
" Yes..."
" Why, in the end he caused you pain, he left you, why would you still care? Could it be that even the strongest soul, needs someone to help bear her burden?" His glance fell upon the cross, and he waited for her reply. He had put emphisi on her, so now he waited.
" Because what he gave me was worth the price... what are you doing here?" She said this to try and avoid the point he was making, she wasn't ready to accept it.
" I am doing something I haven't done for a long time, I am praying."
" Why, why now?"
" Because now there is something worth praying for. I am a lost cause, I a too far gone to help, I was praying for your sake."
Her eyes shot off the scenery she still looked at and focused on him. There was an alarm, and, at the same time, a gratitude. She looked like a scared rabbit, who had wondered into someone's house, and now looked desparetly for something familiar.
" Me?!"
" Yes, it is not to late for you. You still have a chance to escape my fate, still have a chance to be.. human. I was praying that you don't do what I have done, don't shut everyone out. If you do, a sad thing will happen, you will have endless days and sleepless nights, every moment you are conscious becoming a torrent of pain, and then, one day, you'll wake up and fell the pain, but you won't know why. You will see yourself, but not know who you are, you will be adrift in a sea of forsaken souls, to dead to be living, and to living to be dead. You will be like me." He said this not with sadness, but in a factual tone, and his voice was that of a broken soul and heave heart.
" Why, why not pray for yourself as well?"
" I told you I am lost, there is no hope..."
" I think there is... perhaps there is hope for both of us" At that she walked up, sat down next to him, got on her knees, and began to pray...