Ch17
Appreciation
It has been said that we never truly appreciate what we have, until we loose it. This is a sad fact on humanity, that certain things, even the most precious , go unappreciated, until we no longer have them. We become adjusted to certain ideas, and we stop thinking about how precious they are. Even love, can be reduced to this sad state...
Vic had fallowed Ayane's advice, and, had gone to find his love. He no longer cared about his fate, no longer cared about the fate of the whole world, he only cared about finding her. If the destruction of the world would have brought them back together, Vic would have gladly paid that price.
He had been searching the island for almost three hours, and, had doubled back to retrace his footsteps. It was odd, he could find no trance, in the woods, or village, of her movements. Vic had been taught how to track things long ago, and yet this pray, seemed untraceable. He was beginning to loose faith in Kasumi's very existence, a beautiful dream but, like all dreams, you must wake up to reality. He was genuinely begining to think this, and the saddens of such thoughts, no matter how absurd they may seem, carried was unbearable.
He ended up back at the hotel. He felt lost and hopeless. Then, perhaps because fate is merciful, or perhaps because fate has a sick sense of humor, he heard something. It was soft, and had he not been as focused as he was he would have missed it. It was the soft sound, carried on the wind, of someone crying.
Then it all made sense, all the peaces feel into position. He couldn't find her out there, because she was in the hotel:
I am such an idiot!!! Don't check the most odveous place, great job stupid!!!
He ran for the door and flew up the 10 flights of stairs. The only thing going faster then him was his mind, as he ran, thoughts flew in and out of his head at a speed he had never known before. It was as if all of the secrets of the universe, of the meaning of existence, lay before him, and he need only to reach out and grab them. He reached the door.
The door, her door. He couldn't help but think of the last time he had faced a door like this. Couldn't help but think of the horror that laid inside. He shook his head, viciously and his soul yelled 'shut up'. He stood there for at least five minutes, reaching out, grasping the knob, and then letting go. It was as if there was a fire in the room, a fire he didn't want to face.
To anyone observing this scene, it seemed utterly absurd. His love waited on the other side, not fire. And he needed only to turn the handle and open into her. Yet he was paralyzed with fear. A fear that all people feel, when they are faced with a choice of this kind. He kept thinking:
when if she hates me, when if she's dead? What have I done? I.. I just wanted to help, nothing more.. Just help.
He was nearing hysterics now, and could feel the heat of tears burning in his eyes. No fate can be worse then this, and, with that final thought, he opened the door. The room was in disarray, close were strewn about, suit cases left open, empty coke cans covered the floor. And there she was.
She sat on her unmade bed, weeping. Her back was turned to the door and she was not looking at anything. She had her head on her knees and was in a ball. The sound she produced was hauntingly beautiful, and horrifically sad. It was the sound of unbridled pain. A pain not of the body, but the soul. If she noticed Mike enter, she hadn't made any move..
Mike stood there, frozen. He was despritly searching for words, thinking about what he had thought he would say, yet none would come. When he tried to speak, his voice was caught in the back of his mouth. Finally, and painfully, a conversation was started.
" Kasumi, I..."
" Just go away." She said this, in the same tone she had wept in, and Vic wanted nothing more then to hold her again, to make it all right, to keep her from this pain.
" Please here me out..."
" Why?! Why should I listen?!! You, you, why did you even think that??!!!! Do I mean nothing to you??!!!" She said this with anger, but it seemed to be false, somehow. Like it hurt her as much to say it, as it hurt Vic to hear it.
" I was going to do it for you, I.. I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. I was going to save you."
" Why!!!? So I could live alone, you can stand losing, well, it's a two way street!!! I... I... I ... I can't stand the idea of losing you." This last part was said very laboriously.
" It's my responsibility, I made it!! God it's all my fault, all mine!!! I just want to make things better" He said this with tears dripping down his face
" Your not alone, don't you get it yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You.. Have me, and your problems are my problems."
" I, could never ask you..." Vic started
" No, it doesn't work that way, We don't ask. We simply are. You, me, don't you see, those don't fit any more, there is just!!.. Just!!... us." she said that last part like a whisper. It showed the same reverence that some people show during religious ceremonies. As if the very word was scared.
Vic stood there a long time. Tears were now streaming down both their faces, and neither cared anymore. The concept of sham had been abandoned by them both at the start of this conversation. Vic had never stopped to think, what is death would do to her. He hadn't considered it. He felt like the most selfish human being ever. He finally got out... " I, am sorry, I never thought about me, I... I just wanted to save you.... I didn't think that it would affect you so, deeply...."
" Just leave" She said, quietly, she still hadn't looked up yet.
He couldn't take it any more, he walked over and in front of her. He dropped to one knee, so he could see her face. She immediately tried to pull away, but he caught her, and just stared up at her. Finally he said, " please don't do this. It...It hurts too much... I can't stand you looking this way.. I am sorry about what I did, I am such a fucking moran, but I need to say this, and if after that you want me to leave, I'll never bother you again. I.. I love you, with everything that is me I love you. I never meant to hurt you, and if given my life could make you happy, I'd do it, gladly. But, you showed me there is more to this life the meaningless routine, and I...I can't live with out that... without you. Everything you do, gives it all meaning, for the first time I feel happy, I feel like I can see God, and everything is fine. You are all that matters to me, and I would never ever hurt you unperpose."
" Vic..." She threw her arms around him and the wept together. They just held each other for a long time, and, eventually, what had happened spiritually, happened physically as well...
Appreciation
It has been said that we never truly appreciate what we have, until we loose it. This is a sad fact on humanity, that certain things, even the most precious , go unappreciated, until we no longer have them. We become adjusted to certain ideas, and we stop thinking about how precious they are. Even love, can be reduced to this sad state...
Vic had fallowed Ayane's advice, and, had gone to find his love. He no longer cared about his fate, no longer cared about the fate of the whole world, he only cared about finding her. If the destruction of the world would have brought them back together, Vic would have gladly paid that price.
He had been searching the island for almost three hours, and, had doubled back to retrace his footsteps. It was odd, he could find no trance, in the woods, or village, of her movements. Vic had been taught how to track things long ago, and yet this pray, seemed untraceable. He was beginning to loose faith in Kasumi's very existence, a beautiful dream but, like all dreams, you must wake up to reality. He was genuinely begining to think this, and the saddens of such thoughts, no matter how absurd they may seem, carried was unbearable.
He ended up back at the hotel. He felt lost and hopeless. Then, perhaps because fate is merciful, or perhaps because fate has a sick sense of humor, he heard something. It was soft, and had he not been as focused as he was he would have missed it. It was the soft sound, carried on the wind, of someone crying.
Then it all made sense, all the peaces feel into position. He couldn't find her out there, because she was in the hotel:
I am such an idiot!!! Don't check the most odveous place, great job stupid!!!
He ran for the door and flew up the 10 flights of stairs. The only thing going faster then him was his mind, as he ran, thoughts flew in and out of his head at a speed he had never known before. It was as if all of the secrets of the universe, of the meaning of existence, lay before him, and he need only to reach out and grab them. He reached the door.
The door, her door. He couldn't help but think of the last time he had faced a door like this. Couldn't help but think of the horror that laid inside. He shook his head, viciously and his soul yelled 'shut up'. He stood there for at least five minutes, reaching out, grasping the knob, and then letting go. It was as if there was a fire in the room, a fire he didn't want to face.
To anyone observing this scene, it seemed utterly absurd. His love waited on the other side, not fire. And he needed only to turn the handle and open into her. Yet he was paralyzed with fear. A fear that all people feel, when they are faced with a choice of this kind. He kept thinking:
when if she hates me, when if she's dead? What have I done? I.. I just wanted to help, nothing more.. Just help.
He was nearing hysterics now, and could feel the heat of tears burning in his eyes. No fate can be worse then this, and, with that final thought, he opened the door. The room was in disarray, close were strewn about, suit cases left open, empty coke cans covered the floor. And there she was.
She sat on her unmade bed, weeping. Her back was turned to the door and she was not looking at anything. She had her head on her knees and was in a ball. The sound she produced was hauntingly beautiful, and horrifically sad. It was the sound of unbridled pain. A pain not of the body, but the soul. If she noticed Mike enter, she hadn't made any move..
Mike stood there, frozen. He was despritly searching for words, thinking about what he had thought he would say, yet none would come. When he tried to speak, his voice was caught in the back of his mouth. Finally, and painfully, a conversation was started.
" Kasumi, I..."
" Just go away." She said this, in the same tone she had wept in, and Vic wanted nothing more then to hold her again, to make it all right, to keep her from this pain.
" Please here me out..."
" Why?! Why should I listen?!! You, you, why did you even think that??!!!! Do I mean nothing to you??!!!" She said this with anger, but it seemed to be false, somehow. Like it hurt her as much to say it, as it hurt Vic to hear it.
" I was going to do it for you, I.. I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. I was going to save you."
" Why!!!? So I could live alone, you can stand losing, well, it's a two way street!!! I... I... I ... I can't stand the idea of losing you." This last part was said very laboriously.
" It's my responsibility, I made it!! God it's all my fault, all mine!!! I just want to make things better" He said this with tears dripping down his face
" Your not alone, don't you get it yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You.. Have me, and your problems are my problems."
" I, could never ask you..." Vic started
" No, it doesn't work that way, We don't ask. We simply are. You, me, don't you see, those don't fit any more, there is just!!.. Just!!... us." she said that last part like a whisper. It showed the same reverence that some people show during religious ceremonies. As if the very word was scared.
Vic stood there a long time. Tears were now streaming down both their faces, and neither cared anymore. The concept of sham had been abandoned by them both at the start of this conversation. Vic had never stopped to think, what is death would do to her. He hadn't considered it. He felt like the most selfish human being ever. He finally got out... " I, am sorry, I never thought about me, I... I just wanted to save you.... I didn't think that it would affect you so, deeply...."
" Just leave" She said, quietly, she still hadn't looked up yet.
He couldn't take it any more, he walked over and in front of her. He dropped to one knee, so he could see her face. She immediately tried to pull away, but he caught her, and just stared up at her. Finally he said, " please don't do this. It...It hurts too much... I can't stand you looking this way.. I am sorry about what I did, I am such a fucking moran, but I need to say this, and if after that you want me to leave, I'll never bother you again. I.. I love you, with everything that is me I love you. I never meant to hurt you, and if given my life could make you happy, I'd do it, gladly. But, you showed me there is more to this life the meaningless routine, and I...I can't live with out that... without you. Everything you do, gives it all meaning, for the first time I feel happy, I feel like I can see God, and everything is fine. You are all that matters to me, and I would never ever hurt you unperpose."
" Vic..." She threw her arms around him and the wept together. They just held each other for a long time, and, eventually, what had happened spiritually, happened physically as well...