Letter 6
Dear Qui-Gon,
Night descends upon me as I look upon this blank page preparing to write my story for the first time. Oh, and what a tale it is, but it fills me with sadness to think of the reasons I write now, because come morning I will be unable to. The tides are turning and while I am not defeated, not yet, I no longer seem to be winning. I must write this now, and quickly, because the night is passing, and fast approaching is the time of my departure.
Why so melancholy? Because I know if anyone is to ever read this, it means that I am dead. Never before have I cared much about what should happen if one of my plans were to fail, but now with you, I am suddenly lost. My plan is a dangerous one and I wish I did not have to leave you behind. Our lives are not our own, Qui-Gon, and I owe mine to them.
Why? I hear many ask. And in truth, I have never been sure. I have done what needed to be done, perhaps it is as you say, maybe I am a hero, and if that is true, then you must be one, also. You risk your life as I do, Qui-Gon, and if I do not come back from this, then you must do as your heart instructs you.
By now, Lord Jinn, will have received the letter from the Jedi concerning his death and now I fear I must do the same. You must burn this letter once you have read it or, if you cannot bear to, hide it away somewhere safe. I trust MacLeane whole-heartedly in delivering you this, however, now that the Jedi is gone, you must return home and the people there can be traitorous.
When you receive this you should have learnt much that I had not told you and I apologise for the deceit but I had my reasons, Qui-Gon, and although I love you, in fact it is because I love you, that I had to let you go. You were in danger. It pains me to say, Qui-Gon, but there is a mole in the League, someone close and it shames me not to have seen it sooner.
Your involvement is still secret, only a few trusted friends knew of your joining the League - MacLeane, Mace. And even fewer know my face and my name. MacLeane knows all and I hope you will find comfort in his presence.
Much was decided that night after the Bastel Prison attempted escape. As I was fleeing back into the shadows, MacLeane found me. He verified my fears simply by the look on his face at my news. I kept much from him and you, Qui-Gon but now I shall tell you the rest of what happened that night.
"Spiders seem to get every where don't they?" I said to MacLeane, allowing my despair to take over, if only for a moment.
"Again?"
"So it would appear." We were both silent, knowing what this meant to the League and the resistance. "Don't file this as a Jedi rescue attempt. Name the Spider as the one solely responsible."
"Why?"
"I'm worried." MacLeane was taken aback. I never worried, or perhaps I never showed it or admitted it. It's been so long, Qui-Gon I sometimes forget where I am in the tangled webs that I weave. "This rescue was not even planned when I came over, even Qui-Gon didn't know about it because he's still in Coruscant. Only those in Theed knew of it."
"What are you thinking?"
"There is a mole in the League." I didn't say more knowing MacLeane would understand the importance and the implications.
"Who?" he asked.
I suspected who but I did not tell him, nor will I tell you, Qui-Gon, not even now that I have found the Spider.
"I don't know, but that is not all that worries me."
"Surely, that is enough."
"The Spider, his motivations, they escape me. He knows so much, yet his crusade remains a personal endeavour."
"Like yours?"
I didn't answer MacLeane's observation because, in truth, he was right and now that I have reached this point, the Spider's reasons are far too obvious. I feared for you, Qui-Gon, not because of your connection with the Jedi, but because of your connection with me. It was personal from the very beginning.
"Who is in charge of the Spider investigation?"
"Simons, but I don't know how much longer he will remain in that position; he isn't one of Palpatine's pups."
"See what you can find out," I asked anyway. "Find the Spider for me."
"I will try."
"I shall see you later, MacLeane." I fell away from him, allowing him to continue on to the prison and I returned to the shadows where I can only truly dwell.
So then, Qui-Gon, what do I have left to say? Time is creeping by and soon I must leave. I hastily write this so that you will understand why I did what I did to you and why I died the way I did.
The Spider is close, I had to break ties with you because of him and for that alone I hate the man who hunts me. I do love you, Qui-Gon, and the only way I could spare you was to hurt you. Forgive me?
And so this last mission, I intend to draw the Spider out and bring him to me. I may die in this foolish attempt but the Jedi must be free of his blight one way or the other. The rebellion already thinks I am gone, that I have failed. I must prove myself or fall to the fate they already believe I have suffered. Please do not think badly of me for this, Qui-Gon, for I must do it for my country, our country. And if I fail? Well, then as the Jedi told Lord Jinn, I will see you on the other side.
So then, with these hours left to fill, I will tell you all that I can, all that you may already know or have been able to guess. This is my story, Qui-Gon, one that I have hidden from all and one I share with you now, as I could not before in life...
... All my love, Obi-Wan
The story Obi-Wan told me in his final letter is the tale I have told to you. Some I learnt for myself, parts only Obi-Wan was able to tell me about and some even Obi-Wan did not confess in his letter. Even in this last act of honesty, he tried to keep things from me. My grief stops me from being angry, yet I feel it beneath the surface, waiting for my sadness to subside a little so that it can rage within my soul. And so for that reason I hang on to my grief because I do not wish to remember Obi-Wan in anger.
This is the story I had to share of our lives. I have told you of how our destinies crossed, how they wove together for a short time and now it has ended the only way I suppose it could. Obi-Wan was right; our lives are not our own and he was a true hero of the people, while I am nothing without him. I shall return to Naboo and do as my king orders; I have not the stomach to fight for the resistance, at least not yet. I shall wait until memories of a better time are distant and less sharp in my mind.
Lord Qui-Gon Jinn, NIA
Dear Qui-Gon,
Night descends upon me as I look upon this blank page preparing to write my story for the first time. Oh, and what a tale it is, but it fills me with sadness to think of the reasons I write now, because come morning I will be unable to. The tides are turning and while I am not defeated, not yet, I no longer seem to be winning. I must write this now, and quickly, because the night is passing, and fast approaching is the time of my departure.
Why so melancholy? Because I know if anyone is to ever read this, it means that I am dead. Never before have I cared much about what should happen if one of my plans were to fail, but now with you, I am suddenly lost. My plan is a dangerous one and I wish I did not have to leave you behind. Our lives are not our own, Qui-Gon, and I owe mine to them.
Why? I hear many ask. And in truth, I have never been sure. I have done what needed to be done, perhaps it is as you say, maybe I am a hero, and if that is true, then you must be one, also. You risk your life as I do, Qui-Gon, and if I do not come back from this, then you must do as your heart instructs you.
By now, Lord Jinn, will have received the letter from the Jedi concerning his death and now I fear I must do the same. You must burn this letter once you have read it or, if you cannot bear to, hide it away somewhere safe. I trust MacLeane whole-heartedly in delivering you this, however, now that the Jedi is gone, you must return home and the people there can be traitorous.
When you receive this you should have learnt much that I had not told you and I apologise for the deceit but I had my reasons, Qui-Gon, and although I love you, in fact it is because I love you, that I had to let you go. You were in danger. It pains me to say, Qui-Gon, but there is a mole in the League, someone close and it shames me not to have seen it sooner.
Your involvement is still secret, only a few trusted friends knew of your joining the League - MacLeane, Mace. And even fewer know my face and my name. MacLeane knows all and I hope you will find comfort in his presence.
Much was decided that night after the Bastel Prison attempted escape. As I was fleeing back into the shadows, MacLeane found me. He verified my fears simply by the look on his face at my news. I kept much from him and you, Qui-Gon but now I shall tell you the rest of what happened that night.
"Spiders seem to get every where don't they?" I said to MacLeane, allowing my despair to take over, if only for a moment.
"Again?"
"So it would appear." We were both silent, knowing what this meant to the League and the resistance. "Don't file this as a Jedi rescue attempt. Name the Spider as the one solely responsible."
"Why?"
"I'm worried." MacLeane was taken aback. I never worried, or perhaps I never showed it or admitted it. It's been so long, Qui-Gon I sometimes forget where I am in the tangled webs that I weave. "This rescue was not even planned when I came over, even Qui-Gon didn't know about it because he's still in Coruscant. Only those in Theed knew of it."
"What are you thinking?"
"There is a mole in the League." I didn't say more knowing MacLeane would understand the importance and the implications.
"Who?" he asked.
I suspected who but I did not tell him, nor will I tell you, Qui-Gon, not even now that I have found the Spider.
"I don't know, but that is not all that worries me."
"Surely, that is enough."
"The Spider, his motivations, they escape me. He knows so much, yet his crusade remains a personal endeavour."
"Like yours?"
I didn't answer MacLeane's observation because, in truth, he was right and now that I have reached this point, the Spider's reasons are far too obvious. I feared for you, Qui-Gon, not because of your connection with the Jedi, but because of your connection with me. It was personal from the very beginning.
"Who is in charge of the Spider investigation?"
"Simons, but I don't know how much longer he will remain in that position; he isn't one of Palpatine's pups."
"See what you can find out," I asked anyway. "Find the Spider for me."
"I will try."
"I shall see you later, MacLeane." I fell away from him, allowing him to continue on to the prison and I returned to the shadows where I can only truly dwell.
So then, Qui-Gon, what do I have left to say? Time is creeping by and soon I must leave. I hastily write this so that you will understand why I did what I did to you and why I died the way I did.
The Spider is close, I had to break ties with you because of him and for that alone I hate the man who hunts me. I do love you, Qui-Gon, and the only way I could spare you was to hurt you. Forgive me?
And so this last mission, I intend to draw the Spider out and bring him to me. I may die in this foolish attempt but the Jedi must be free of his blight one way or the other. The rebellion already thinks I am gone, that I have failed. I must prove myself or fall to the fate they already believe I have suffered. Please do not think badly of me for this, Qui-Gon, for I must do it for my country, our country. And if I fail? Well, then as the Jedi told Lord Jinn, I will see you on the other side.
So then, with these hours left to fill, I will tell you all that I can, all that you may already know or have been able to guess. This is my story, Qui-Gon, one that I have hidden from all and one I share with you now, as I could not before in life...
... All my love, Obi-Wan
The story Obi-Wan told me in his final letter is the tale I have told to you. Some I learnt for myself, parts only Obi-Wan was able to tell me about and some even Obi-Wan did not confess in his letter. Even in this last act of honesty, he tried to keep things from me. My grief stops me from being angry, yet I feel it beneath the surface, waiting for my sadness to subside a little so that it can rage within my soul. And so for that reason I hang on to my grief because I do not wish to remember Obi-Wan in anger.
This is the story I had to share of our lives. I have told you of how our destinies crossed, how they wove together for a short time and now it has ended the only way I suppose it could. Obi-Wan was right; our lives are not our own and he was a true hero of the people, while I am nothing without him. I shall return to Naboo and do as my king orders; I have not the stomach to fight for the resistance, at least not yet. I shall wait until memories of a better time are distant and less sharp in my mind.
Lord Qui-Gon Jinn, NIA