THE COMPUTER
A Seinfeld fan fiction script
by
Joel G. Gomes
Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96
Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto
2835–107 Baixa da Banheira
Portugal
E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com
gomes_joel@hotmail.com
DECEMBER 2002
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
The great purpose of going to a party or any other social event is to get a partner. Women usually talk themselves into it. A little chit-chat, a drink and a formal invitation.
"Can you give me a ride home?"
Men are not like this. Men are always in a rush. That's how we are.
We arrive at the party, we pick up the first desirable female we lay our eyes upon and a after a one minute talk, we kindly ask:
"Do you have the key to the upstairs bedroom?"
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.
JERRY
We were having sex. She was... er... performing an... oral massage on me and...
GEORGE
(INTERRUPTS HIM)
An oral massage? You mean a...?
JERRY NODS.
GEORGE
That's a very interesting term. Then what?
JERRY
I got carried away.
GEORGE
While she was doing it?
JERRY NODS AGAIN.
GEORGE
What did she say?
JERRY
I don't know.
GEORGE
What d'you mean you don't know?
JERRY
I mean exactly that. When I realized what I had done, I grabbed my clothes and left. I had to get undressed in the hallway.
GEORGE
Why?
JERRY
I couldn't stay there. Not after that.
GEORGE
You didn't apologize?
JERRY
I think so. I don't know.
GEORGE
When did this happen?
JERRY
About three days or so.
GEORGE
And you're still thinking about it? Move on! It's time to leave the past behind!
JERRY
I can't!
GEORGE
Why not?
JERRY
I... liked it.
GEORGE
I see. Well, to be honest, I would be surprised if you didn't. It's very hard not to like it when someone does that kind of thing. You talked to her since?
JERRY
I called her this morning. Her machine answered.
GEORGE
Did you leave a message?
JERRY
Like what? "Hey, sorry about that the other night. I hope you didn't choke. Let's go out and get ourselves a milk-shake, shall we?"
GEORGE
That's the problem with oral massages. They always catch us unprepared.
JERRY
It was the first time someone did something like that to me and I blew it.
GEORGE
You didn't blew it. You went all the way to the end. And that, my friend, is really what matters.
JERRY
I know that. But I scored on the wrong goal. I've unbalanced the score.
GEORGE
Did you establish where to score before the game start?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
Well then...
JERRY
"Well then" what? You can't just assume she wants the other person to score on her goal. It's a pretty big assumption.
GEORGE
We could use a referee to control that.
JERRY
Can you imagine how she must have felt?
GEORGE
I know how I would feel, if I was in your place.
JERRY
(PRETENDS TO STAND)
You wanna change seats?
GEORGE
Y'know, perhaps she was expecting some kind of retribution for
her action.
JERRY
Like what?
GEORGE
Like, maybe, you doing an oral massage to her.
JERRY
No way.
GEORGE
They like it. Believe me.
JERRY
I know they like they like. I was the one who told you that in case you've forgotten.
GEORGE
So what's your problem?
JERRY
I've been having this dream lately. I'm in the room with her. She's doing another massage.
GEORGE
Keep going.
JERRY
Then she finishes it, she turns to me and says "kiss me".
GEORGE
That's only a dream. She's not gonna ask you to do that.
JERRY
How can you be so sure? It's not like I had to force her or anything the first time I asked her to do... the massage. You think the kiss afterwards is that unlikely to happen?
GEORGE
It's not unlikely, it's unethical. Besides,, she probably had other things on her mind to worry about.
JERRY
Maybe she was trying to tell me something.
GEORGE
Must've been difficult at the time. Hey! I almost forgot! What time is it?
JERRY
It's...
(CHECKS HIS WATCH)
1 p.m.
GEORGE
(STANDS)
Okay. Time to get back to work.
JERRY
Y'know, it's quite amazing how a person with no basic knowledge whatsoever of computer components is working at a top company in the hardware business.
GEORGE
You know what they say. Sometimes improvement is necessary.
JERRY
So why hire you? My guess is that they'll need a lot more than improvement after you're done there.
GEORGE
"Oh ye of little faith!"
JERRY
Well, I sure hope you keep this job.
GEORGE
I will hold onto it like a leech.
JERRY
I wouldn't expect nothing else coming from you.
GEORGE
I'll see you later.
JERRY
Okay.
GEORGE WALKS AWAY.
JERRY (V. O.)
(LOOKS TO GEORGE'S EMPTY PLATE)
They always leave me to pay the check. Some day, this is bound to change.
CUT TO:
INT. INFOSYS. MAIN HALL. DAY
GEORGE ENTERS THE HALL. HE HEADS TO HIS OFFICE WHEN HE FINDS HIMSELF INTERCEPTED BY MR. SMITH.
MR. SMITH
George! Good to see you!
GEORGE
Mr. Smith! Hi! Good to see you too!
MR. SMITH
Listen, do you stepping into my office? There's a private issue I would like to discuss with you concerning your performance on this company.
GEORGE
Did I do anything wrong?
MR. SMITH
I think it would be better if we talked in my office.
GEORGE
O-o-kay, Mr. Smith.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. SMITH'S OFFICE. DAY
MR. SMITH AND GEORGE ARE SITTING FACE TO FACE. MR. SMITH IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK AND TYPES SOMETHING ON HIS LAPTOP BEFORE ADDRESSING TO GEORGE.
MR. SMITH
The reason I wanted to talk to you, George is that... How shall I put this? Well, the thing is, I've been watching you and your work and, somehow, you managed to impress me like no other employee has ever had. So I would like to give you a reward for that.
GEORGE
A reward?
MR. SMITH
Yes. Not monetary. This is even better. I'm talking about a social reward.
GEORGE
A social reward? What d'you mean?
MR. SMITH
I'm having a party tomorrow night and I would appreciate it very much if you could join me.
GEORGE
A party? Look, Mr. Smith, no offence or anything but this isn't just a good time for me to do this.
MR. SMITH
What're you talking about, George? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, George. Think carefully of your decision or you'll might regret it later.
GEORGE
(SWALLOWS)
Fine. I'll be there.
MR. SMITH
Excellent!
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV.
JERRY
"... you managed to impress me in a way like no other employee has ever had?"
GEORGE
That's what he said.
JERRY
Was that in a positive way?
GEORGE
I think so.
ELAINE
Well, he invited you to his party. I think that's positive.
JERRY
Positive for who?
ELAINE
You're going?
GEORGE
I have to. He said this would be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
JERRY
So go then.
GEORGE
I'm feeling very anxious. I don't know how to behave on an event like this. Elaine, you've been through this type of situation before, tell me, what do I do?
ELAINE
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
Well, the first thing is to act casually. Don't let them think you're nervous. When a conversation gets complicated, don't try to understand it. Move to another area. And never, never! be yourself.
JERRY
That's the best advise you could possibly give him.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
THE HOUSE IS CROWDED. MUSIC IS PLAYING, BUT NOT VERY LOUD. A SOFT VOLUME TO PROVIDE A SMOOTH AMBIENCE.
MR. SMITH IS DRAGGIG GEORGE ACROSS THE PARTY.
THEY APPROACH A GROUP OF THREE MEN TALKING TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
MR. SMITH
Hi, everyone! Glad you could make it!
THE THREE MEN LIFT THEIR GLASSES AS A CUMPLIMENT. THE WOMEN NODS.
MR. SMITH
Hello Patricia. Did I already say that you look absolutely marvelous tonight?
PATRICIA
Twice. But it's always a pleasure to hear it.
MR. SMITH
Do you know Patricia, George? She's your colleague.
GEORGE
Really? I don't remember seeing you there.
MR. SMITH
I'm usually tied to the desk. I'm responsible for the Public Affairs Department.
CUT TO:
FLASHBACK:
INT. INFOSYS. HALL. DAY
GEORGE AND A COLEAGUE ARE CHATTING NEXT TO A COFFEE MACHINE.
COLLEAGUE
So, anyway, I took the motherboard out, I restored the main memory and there it was!
GEORGE
That's amazing!
PATRICIA DRESSED IN A SHORT SKIRT PASSES THEM.
COLLEAGUE
That. Woman. Is. Hot.
GEORGE
Who is she?
COLLEAGUE
She's responsible for the Public Affairs Department. Which means she practically gets laid with everyone around here.
GEORGE
Can't wait to meet her.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
GEORGE
Oh! Right! Right! The Public Affairs department. A lot of work there, isn't it?
PATRICIA
You have no idea. Sometimes I just wanna throw it all away and lie down.
GEORGE
(GRINS)
I can imagine.
MR. SMITH
(GRABS GEORGE BY THE ARM)
Come along, George. There's a few people I would like you to meet.
GEORGE AND MR. SMITH WALK AWAY.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
GEORGE IS NOW NEXT TO A TABLE WITH FOOD AND DRINKS. MR. SMITH IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.
PATRICIA APPROACHES HIM FROM BEHIND.
PATRICIA
There you are!
GEORGE
(STARTLES AND TURNS)
Hey!
PATRICIA
So you're the famous George Constanza everyone is talking about...
GEORGE
Yeah!
(SNORTS)
That's me!
PATRICIA
So... you wanna go upstairs?
GEORGE
(SWALLOWS)
Upstairs? You mean...? The upper floor?
PATRICIA
Huh huh. The upper floor.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. SMITH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
THE LIGHTS ARE OUT. THE MOONLIGHT ALLOWS US TO SEE VARIOUS SHADOWY FIGURES FROM THE FURNITURE.
WE HEAR A KNOB BEING TURNED AND THEN THE DOOR OPENS.
A CLICK FROM THE SWITCH AND THE LIGHT COMES OUT.
GEORGE AND PATRICIA STEP INTO THE BEDROOM AND LOCK THE DOOR.
GEORGE
D'you really want to do this? I mean, what if we get caught?
PATRICIA
Stop worrying about that and kiss me, GC!
THEY LIE ON THE BED AND START MAKING OUT.
SUDDENLY, GEORGE SEES SOMETHING THAT CAPTURES HIS ATTENTION. A LAPTOP COMPUTER ON THE DESK. NEXT TO IT IS A WEBCAM.
GEORGE
Hey! He left his computer on.
GEORGE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DESK.
PATRICIA
He must be waiting for an e-mail or something.
GEORGE
I've always been fascinated by computers.
PATRICIA
That's probably why you're working at a computer company.
GEORGE STARTS CLICKING RANDOMLY. HE ACCESSES THE VIDEO PROGRAM AND THE WEBCAM STARTS FILMING.
GEORGE
Hey! Look at that!
PATRICIA
Shut that thing off and come back to bed before I go there and drag you down here myself!
GEORGE
Okay.
GEORGE TURNS OFF THE MONITOR AND GOES BACK TO BED.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT
MR. SMITH APPROACHES A WOMAN.
MR. SMITH
Hi Linda, have you seen my wife?
LINDA
No, I haven't.
MR. SMITH
Thanks, Linda.
MR. SMITH WALKS TO AN OLD MAN.
OLD MAN
Smith! How're you?
MR. SMITH
I'm fine. Listen, have you seen my wife?
OLD MAN
Not yet.
MR. SMITH
Thanks.
MR. SMITH MOVES ON AND FINDS THE GROUP OF THREE MEN HE HAD PREVIOUSLY FOUND.
MAN 1
Hey Smith! Nice party you have here!
MR. SMITH
I'm glad you're enjoying it. I'm looking for my wife. Do you have any idea where she might been?
MAN 3
We don't know.
MAN 2
Have you checked upstairs?
MAN 1
Yea. She probably had one of those headaches of hers and went to sleep it off.
MR. SMITH
That's probably it. I'll go check upstairs then. Thanks for the tip.
MAN 2
No sweat.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. SMITH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
GEORGE ARE PATRICIA ARE ON A MORE ADVANCED LEVEL AND WE NOW NOTICE THE BED BOUNCING UP AND DOWN.
THE WEBCAM IS STILL ON.
PATRICIA
What is that red light?
GEORGE
I don't know. Laptops aren't really my specialty. But I think it's probably a low battery or something.
MR. SMITH (O. S.)
Honey! Are you in there?
CUT TO:
INT. CORRIDOR. NIGHT
MR. SMITH
(KNOCKS)
Are you there? I need to talk to you!
CUT TO:
INT. MR. SMITH'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
PATRICIA
It's my husband!
GEORGE
Your husband?!
PATRICIA
Quick! Hide under the bed!
GEORGE HIDES UNDER THE BED. PATRICIA THROWS HIS CLOTHES DOWN THERE AS WELL.
PATRICIA TURNS ON THE LIGHT AND WRAPS HERSELF UP WITH A SHEET. SHE WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.
MR. SMITH
What're you doing here?
PATRICIA
I've been expecting you, Mr. Smith.
MR. SMITH
(TAKES OFF HIS TIE AND UNTUCKS HIS SHIRT)
Oh, Patricia!
HE GRABS HER AND CARRY HER TO THE BED.
PATRICIA
Oh, Mr. Smith!
UNDER THE BED, GEORGE HOLDS ON TO HIS CLOTHES AS THE BED STARS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AGAIN.
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.
KRAMER ENTERS AND JOINS THEM.
KRAMER
Hya there.
GEORGE
Hey.
ELAINE
Hi.
JERRY
What's up?
KRAMER
Something weird happened to me last night.
JERRY
What was it?
KRAMER
Well, yesterday I took a mint right before I went to bed and when I woke up this morning, it's flavor was still there.
GEORGE
You let the mint dissolve in your mouth while you were sleeping?
KRAMER
Something like that.
GEORGE
And you didn't swallow it?
KRAMER
No. My tongue works even during sleep.
JERRY
Have you ever considered a job a stamp-licker?
KRAMER
But anyway, I don't know what happened. All I know is that I woke up this morning and my mouth was fresh.
JERRY
Instead of the usual morning breath?
KRAMER
Weird, isn't it?
ELAINE
To say the least. How did the freshness stay inside your mouth the whole night?
KRAMER
I don't know.
GEORGE
You don't breathe through your mouth?
KRAMER
No, I prefer to use the nose.
(POINTS TO HIS NOSTRILS)
It filters.
JERRY
Well, this event certainly is a mystery but one thing's for sure.
THEY ALL LOOK TO JERRY, LIKE PUPILS LOOKING AT A DISTINGUISHED MASTER.
JERRY
Our friend Kramer may have accidentally discovered the cure for one of the most dreadful dilemmas of the average man in the third millennium.
GEORGE
All great achievements are made accidentally.
KRAMER
I thought this was the second millennium.
JERRY
It's the third.
KRAMER
How come?
JERRY
Because it is a logical deduction to assume that after the second millennium, the third should be the one to follow.
ELAINE
(TO GEORGE)
Hey! How about the party?
GEORGE
Oh... It went well.
ELAINE
Were you casual?
GEORGE
I was as casual as anyone can be.
(TO JERRY)
What about you? Did you make that phone call?
JERRY
Yeah. I called her last night.
GEORGE
Was she angry at you?
JERRY
No, she was very glad to talk to me, actually.
ELAINE
Who is she?
JERRY
My girlfriend.
ELAINE
What does she do?
JERRY
She's a... masseuse.
ELAINE
A masseuse? Hey, listen, I have this pain on my neck. Do you think you-
JERRY
(CUTS HER OFF)
She's not that kind of masseuse.
ELAINE
What kind of masseuse is she then?
JERRY
It's complicated.
ELAINE
All I need is a few touching and rubbing and I'll be fine.
GEORGE
So what did she say?
JERRY
It's like I said. She's expecting a retribution for last time.
GEORGE
Let's hope the dream doesn't come true.
CUT TO:
INT. MR. SMITH'S OFFICE. DAY
MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS LAPTOP.
THERE IS A SLIGHT KNOCK ON THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND GEORGE ENTERS.
GEORGE
You wanted to see me, Mr. Smith?
MR. SMITH
Yes, George. Come on in. Close the door please.
GEORGE DOES SO.
MR. SMITH
Have a seat.
GEORGE SITS.
A BEAT. GEORGE DOESN'T WANT TO, BUT HE LOOKS NERVOUS. HE ADJUSTS HIS TIE.
MR. SMITH
George, I'm going to share something with you. Something that has been bothering me for quite some time and which has reached it's highest peak of tolerance just last night.
GEORGE
Last night?
MR. SMITH
I had the vague feeling my wife was cheating on me. But I wasn't really sure until I found this.
MR. SMITH TURNS HIS LAPTOP TO GEORGE. GEORGE PALES.
GEORGE
Oh my God!
MR. SMITH
Yes. That's what I thought too.
(TURNS THE LAPTOP TO HIM AGAIN)
Whoever did this, knew exactly what he was doing. He knew about the dead angles. He was sarcastic to point of recording everything without letting a single glimpse from his face to be caught in a simple frame.
GEORGE
Not even one?
MR. SMITH
None.
GEORGE
What about the voice?
MR. SMITH
That's a loose end as well. He turned off the sound. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to use your expertise and find out the person who did this. My guess is that it's someone who had a quarrel with her and decided to get even. You can start by that. I promise you a good reward, George. And this time, it's not gonna be just a social one. D'you think you can handle this?
GEORGE
Please, Mr. Smith!
(SNORTS)
'Handle' is my middle name!
CUT TO:
INT. MONK'S. DAY
JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING LUNCH.
JERRY
You had sex with your boss' wife?
GEORGE
I didn't know she was his wife.
JERRY
Have you ever considered the fact that if he finds out, you're fired?
GEORGE
He's not gonna find out anything. Not unless she tells him.
JERRY
What are the odds of that not happening?
GEORGE
Exactly the ones of that happening. Which means I have a fifty percent chance of not getting caught.
JERRY
You know you're not very luck when it comes to odds. What about that video thing?
GEORGE
It was an accident. I didn't know that that damn thing was on.
JERRY
Lucky for you, it didn't catch your face.
GEORGE
Yeah. Now I'm supposed to catch myself.
JERRY
That's very deep.
GEORGE
Like the bottom of the pit. What can I do, Jerry? Tell me.
JERRY
I've no idea. I'll tell you one thing though. You should have spent some time with Kris when you had the chance.
GEORGE
Elaine's ex-boyfriend? The director?
JERRY
That's right. He could have taught you something about cameras.
GEORGE
I hope you're not talking about my performance in front of a camera cos that, my friend, is something I can do very well.
JERRY
Not from what I saw.
GEORGE
Very funny.
JERRY
Nevertheless, she might confess.
GEORGE
So what if she confesses? What's the worst that can happen?
JERRY
Apart from being fired and possibly being beaten up by a group of hired men and dumped on some dark corner in the middle of nowhere? Nothing much I guess.
GEORGE
He'll probably thank me for teaching something like this to him.
JERRY
Yes. I'm sure he'll learn his lesson. Never hire people like you again.
GEORGE
Hey! I was nominated to be employee of the month!
JERRY
Yeah. You and all the guys who slept with... What did you say her nickname was?
GEORGE
'PUBLIC AFFAIRS' So what if I slept with her? I wasn't the first one! I wasn't the one who put that nickname on her!
JERRY
But you did your best to keep it.
GEORGE
You know me. I don't like to go against the natural order of things.
JERRY
That's strange, considering that your very nature goes against the natural order of things.
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. NIGHT
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WATCHING TV. JERRY IS CLICKING NERVOUSLY.
ELAINE
What's the matter?
JERRY
Nothing. Anxiety, I guess.
ELAINE
What are you so anxious about?
JERRY
I think I need a massage.
ELAINE
Why can't I get one?
JERRY
Let me think of a way of explaining this to you.
A BEAT.
ELAINE
Yes?
JERRY
Huh...
ELAINE
What's that story of retribution? You're gonna massage her?
JERRY
Well...
ELAINE
Spit it out, damnit!
THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GETS UP QUICKLY AND ANSWERS IT.
JERRY
Hello?
GEORGE (V. O.)
It's me.
JERRY
Come on up.
JERRY RETURNS TO THE COUCH. HE PRETENDS THAT THE CONVERSATION IS OVER.
ELAINE
As you were saying...
JERRY
What?
KRAMER COMES IN. WALKING PAINFULLY AS NEVER. JERRY GETS UP AND GOES TO HIM.
JERRY
What's going on?
KRAMER
It's my teeth, Jerry! My teeth are killing me!
GEORGE COMES IN.
GEORGE
Hey everyone.
(NOTICES KRAMER'S AGONIZING FACE)
What's the matter with him?
JERRY
He's in pain because of the mints.
GEORGE
Well, so much for the Nobel.
GEORGE SITS ON THE COUCH AND GRABS THE REMOTE.
KRAMER WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND LEANS AGAINST THE BALCONY.
JERRY
You should go to a dentist.
KRAMER
No. No dentist. No way.
ELAINE
So, y'know George, Jerry doesn't want to tell me about that retribution thing.
GEORGE
He doesn't?
ELAINE
(COMES CLOSER)
But you're gonna tell me, aren't you Georgie? You wanna know what I do when someone shares something with me?
ELAINE WHISPERS SOMETHING ON GEORGE'S EARS WHICH CAUSES HIM TO BLUSH.
ELAINE
Any ideas now?
GEORGE
N-no...
ELAINE
I see... You're in on this too, aren't you?
GEORGE
Not quite.
ELAINE
Fine! I don't care! You can have all the massages you want!
ELAINE GETS UP AND LEAVES IN A FURY.
JERRY AND KRAMER SHOW NO REACTION.
GEORGE RESUMES CLICKING.
JERRY
Are you sure you don't want to? It might be very serious. I can be there during the procedure if that's the problem.
KRAMER
No. I'll be fine.
KRAMER REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE AND LEAVES.
JERRY
Whatever you say.
JERRY WALKS TO THE LIVING ROOM AND TAKES THE REMOTE FROM GEORGE.
JERRY
So, anything new about the investigation?
GEORGE
No. I have to come up with something by tomorrow. What about you? You're gonna retribute?
JERRY
Yes. I am going to give her the massage of a lifetime.
GEORGE
Really? It will be like a dream come true.
JERRY
I just hope it isn't the entire dream.
GEORGE
When is this happening?
JERRY
Tomorrow night.
GEORGE
Tomorrow night? Why not tonight?
JERRY
I told her I needed to practice first.
GEORGE
How're you gonna practice?
JERRY
I've rented a few videos.
GEORGE
Oh!
CUT TO:
INT. MR. SMITH'S OFFICE. DAY
MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS LAPTOP.
NO KNOCK THIS TIME. GEORGE JUST ENTERS.
GEORGE
May I?
MR. SMITH
Of course, George. You know my door is always open to trustful people.
GEORGE CLOSES THE DOOR AND SITS. HE'S FEELING VERY CONFIDENT.
GEORGE
I appreciate your compliment, Mr. Smith. I'm here to tell you about my investigation.
MR. SMITH
Ah! You went all the way to end, I assume.
GEORGE
Even further than that.
MR. SMITH
You were very thorough, right?
GEORGE
Thorough as never.
MR. SMITH?
And? You discovered who the man on the video is?
GEORGE
Unfortunately, no. I couldn't make it.
MR. SMITH
Cause y'know, George, I've done my own private investigation.
SO MUCH FOR GEORGE'S CONFIDENCE.
GEORGE
You have?
MR. SMITH
She told me all about it.
GEORGE KNOWS THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL.
MR. SMITH (cont'd)
Frankly, George. I'm disappointed at you! To break away my trust just like that!
(SNAPS HIS FINGERS)
GEORGE
I-I-I can explain! I have a multiple personality disorder. It's a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde complex.
MR. SMITH
Cut the crap, George.
GEORGE
Yes, Mr. Smith...
MR. SMITH
It's not your fault anyway.
GEORGE
It isn't?
MR. SMITH
Of course not. I'm the only one to blame here.
GEORGE
You are?
MR. SMITH
(SIGHS)
I've been neglecting my wife's needs, George. The reason why she betrayed in the first place was because I paid no attention to her needs.
GEORGE
That's too bad.
MR. SMITH
But last night, we had a long conversation and came up with a solution to our problem.
GEORGE
I'm very glad to hear that.
MR. SMITH
According to her evaluation, you were the best, let's call it 'subject' so far.
GEORGE
I was?
MR. SMITH
So we decided to make an agreement. From now on, you can have sex with my wife every time you want to.
GEORGE IS SURPRISED TO SAY THE LEAST.
MR. SMITH (cont'd)
All you have to do is the fulfill your part of the deal.
GEORGE
What is it?
MR. SMITH
You have to let me have sex with your girlfriend.
GEORGE
That will be complicated. I'm kinda single at the moment.
MR. SMITH
That's not a problem. As soon as you find someone, you let me know.
GEORGE
Hypothetically speaking, what happens if I say no?
MR. SMITH
I will fire you and then I'll hire a group of men to beat you up and dump you in the middle of nowhere. Literally speaking.
GEORGE
(SWALLOWS)
Just checking.
GEORGE GETS UP. MR. SMITH DOES THE SAME. HE TAPS GEORGE ON THE SHOULDER AND SITS BACK.
GEORGE WALKS TO THE DOOR.
MR. SMITH
(WINKS)
Let's have a swing, George!
CUT TO:
INT. JERRY'S BEDROOM. NIGHT
JERRY AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE ON THE BED. SHE IS UNDER THE SHEETS DOING A MASSAGE.
HER HEAD COMES OUT AND APPROACHES JERRY'S FACE.
WOMAN
Kiss me.
WE FOCUS ON JERRY'S PANICKED FEATURES.
CUT TO:
INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT
JERRY IS ON STAGE.
JERRY
No one likes to receive orders. People wanna be free in their decisions. The way the orders are given determines the obedience.
If you're a rude boss and you say to your employees
"Get the hell out of here! I'm giving you all a month vacation!"
They'll probably think that you're firing them.
Softness can do wonders in this case.
"Do you mind if I pay you this month's salary three months from now?"
If you're nice enough not only will your employees accept anything you say but they'll probably lend you some money if they see you in need.
THE END