Dear soon to be dead Mr. Rat.
Well, Mr.Rat
It seems the drugs they kept me doped up on are finally out of my poor fried body. I didn't have much fun in St. Mungos, ratty. You see they were less than kind to me, to put it mildly. Also Lucias was a constant visitor, until I managed to break his hand. So rat….err Peter how about dinner this Friday at that seafood place you know the one next to that huge Volcano in Italy?
Ticked off Godmother, who wants her godson back.
*
Dear godmother who is beginning to tick me off
Hmm an interesting proposition, of course I already have a lot offers from models and actresses but I can always make time for old friends, you never know I may be able to betray you to somebody else, it's always useful to have a lot of friends so you can hide behind them. There are only two problems firstly I don't like Italian food, and secondly just how gullible do you think I am? I know the old trick of getting your enemy next to the volcano and then either causing an eruption or just pushing him in it.
*****
Dear Mr. Pettigrew-
Let me start by saying I am your most devoted fan, and have been inspired to new levels of treachery by your exploits!
I would like to become a professional turn-coat, betraying my friends and family for fun and profit. Do you have any advice as to how to get started in my life of traitordom? Is there any special equipment and/or training I need?
Your most devoted follower,
Lady Piper
P.S. I don't suppose you need a lackey do you....?
*
I'm touched by your nice letter, although it's a very hard job to be a professional turncoat you already sound to be half way there. It's very important that you make friends with people who are more important than you, then the bad guy will always kill them and not you, I would also advise trying to sell your grandmother for scientific experiments, I got 200 galleons for my grandmother. Of course you don't need any special equipment, just make sure you never miss an opportunity to cash in on everything and if you have to chose sides make sure you chose the side with the most power and the nicest houses.
Your encouraging mentor
P.S. I always need lackeys, if you want the job catch the knight bus to Peter's Place
*****
Dear dirty rat.
DIE YOU EVIL BAG OF FILTH!!! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR TELLING VOLDEMORT (Ron: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!) WHERE MY PARENTS WERE!!! IN FACT, VOLDEMORT AND I AGREED TO STOP OUR FUED UNTIL WE MANAGED TO TORTURE AND KILL YOU!
Person that seriously (no offence, Sirius) wants to kill Peter.
*
Shut up scarboy, after all I've done for you, this is how you repay me. I've protected you your whole life, I got rid of your parents who would have made you eat nasty things like sprouts, I made you world famous and I got you a really nice scar. In fact I'm the only person to really stand by you, Sirius uses been in Azkaban as an excuse, well he could have broken out sooner and Remus didn't even bother coming to see you. You should be ashamed of yourself, shouting at the man who ensured your ever-lasting fame.
A very upset ex-best friend of your father and godfather
*****
Dear ex-slave that will soon be dead.
WEAK AM I?! WE'LL SEE HOW WEAK I AM WHEN POTTER AND I SHOW UP TO KILL YOU! YOU'LL PAY FOR CALLING ME THAT! YOU'LL ALSO PAY FOR TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THE TEACUP INCIDENT! (How did you find out about that, anyways?)
Rat Hunter, aka Lord Voldemort.
*
You know I was such a fool, I actually thought you might have some power, but you needed my help for everything, you'd still be a shadow in Romania if it wasn't for me. You can't even kill me by yourself, you need help from a small boy who keeps defeating you, so I'm not really even slightly worried by your pointless threats
From the man who has pictures of you sleeping with a teddy bear as well as the teacup incident
P.S. Be careful working with scarboy, he may take the opportunity to kill you once and for all and we wouldn't want that would we
*****
Dear Mr. Petti,
I feel so alone. No one likes my cooking. I don't understand why. It's not like mixing random potion ingredients does any harm, right? That's how inventions are made. I have enclosed a sample of my hemlockade, try it and write back with your comments.
Brilliant Chef
*
I know exactly what you mean, I made beautiful food and yet nobody ate it, not even Sirius and he once ate bark from the tree. For example I spent hours making this wonderful pink cake for Harry's first birthday, it was a labour of love but Lily just flew into a rage and accused me of trying to poison her son, but I got her back in the end.
I think hemlockade is a wonderful invention, I gave it to my annoying next door neighbour and now she's in a coma, well done
A fellow brilliant chef
*****
Wormtail!
How could you abandon your master like that? I knew you were an idiot, but really. You have committed suicide, Wormtail. We WILL get you.
Dark Lord's Apprentice
*
How very scary, I'm quaking at the very prospect. So which one of you deatheaters wrote it? I don't think Crabbe and Goyle even know how to write so not them, if this is Malfoy then he doesn't have the nerve to kill me. In fact have any of you deatheaters done anything remotely scary recently? Besides you're meant to be killing scarface, so if you can't kill a schoolboy, how do you expect to kill me?
From a very amused former deatheater who may turn you all into the ministry, I hear Azkaban is lovely this time of year
*****
Dear Mr. Pettigrew,
My thirty cats are very bothersome. They want to be fed constantly. They want to be let in. They want to be let out. They scratch my sofa. They scratch my house plants. They scratch my walls. They scratch the back of my head. What should I do?
Bald With Cat Hair.
*
Have you considered the possibility of selling them? They could prove to be wonderful bodyguards, I personally will buy one and not feed it, so if Voldie or scarboy come round the cat will just tear them to shreds. I would look at them not as a bother but as an opportunity to make serious money
*****
Dear Evil Peter,
I think you are still a Death Eater. I think you have plans to win back the trust of the people. Then, I think you will set out to rule the world. I think you are in the league with You-Know-Who. I think you are an evil fraud. I think you're a big meanie who thinks we can't see what you are planning with your evil mind and your more evil intentions.
Future Auror
*
I think that's very insightful of you, while my ambition at the moment is really just to help people in need (honestly), at some point I do intend to rule the world. I would like to offer you a position in my team, if you accept you will control vast armies and have a large mansion, if you decline I will find you and most probably kill you.
Have a nice day
*****
Dear Peter,
Is it true about the rat thing? I am a misunderstood journalist who became an animagus just so I could make loads of cash, uh, that is, people educated. For some reason everyone hates me. Do you know why this is?
Sincerely,
R. S.
PS - if you would like to meet up sometime and discuss our mutual experiences as animagi, see me in the Leaky Cauldron at 3.00pm tomorrow. Maybe you could tell me why many men shy away from me, are they overwhelmed by my dazzling good looks? I'm sure it can't be the news story I ran on my ex-boyfriend, that was completely true. Well, in a metaphorical sense
*
The rat thing is true, I was trying to keep it secret but people do seem to be obsessed with me, I'm rather like a very famous celebrity so I allowed people to know about my fabulous amigus powers. I find that often the best- looking and brainiest people are the ones who are hated, women often run away when I go near them because they're just too shy to talk to me. It sounds like we have a lot in common so if I can spare the time I'll see you at 3.
From a fellow amigus
P.S. Making money is a very admirable aim, I suggest you try and find new and improved ways of doing so, (advice columnist pays quite well)
*****
Dear Peter,
I recently got excepted into Hogwarts. When I arrived, I got offered a spot in the Quidditch team. Should I take it?
Signed,
Awesome Flier
*
Did I ever tell you how brilliant I was at Quidditch? I was probably the best player Hogwarts had ever seen, I played seeker and I could beat anybody. But because I was such a nice and caring young man, I decided to let James have my position because he didn't really seem to be good at anything. Oh yeah back to you, of course you should play on your Quidditch team unless you're really ugly and embarrassed to be seen in public
Quidditch expert
*****
Dear Wormtail,
How do you find and torture the ex-deatheater that has been giving away secrets on what annoys Lord Voldemort? I'd really appreciate it if you could answer me.
From Dear ol' Voldie
*
Voldie, Voldie, Voldie, when will you learn that people you think are weaker than you generally end up defeating you. However I will give you advice because I feel sorry for you trying to be so evil and failing miserably every time, so maybe this death-eater has other enemy's who would also like to see him dead (*cough Sirius cough*) (*cough Harry cough*) (*cough Remus cough*). Maybe these other people would consider helping a poor feeble old man like you to hunt down this particularly charming and handsome ex-deatheater, but if you do take this advice just remember I have very incriminating photo's of you on a beach with not many clothes on.
Say hi to that snake of yours from me
*****
*
*
Disclaimer: Surprising though it may be to believe, I don't own any of Harry Potter
A/N: Special shout out to Luz De Estrella who e-mailed me several letters, thanks to everyone who sent a letter and please continue to send them
Well, Mr.Rat
It seems the drugs they kept me doped up on are finally out of my poor fried body. I didn't have much fun in St. Mungos, ratty. You see they were less than kind to me, to put it mildly. Also Lucias was a constant visitor, until I managed to break his hand. So rat….err Peter how about dinner this Friday at that seafood place you know the one next to that huge Volcano in Italy?
Ticked off Godmother, who wants her godson back.
*
Dear godmother who is beginning to tick me off
Hmm an interesting proposition, of course I already have a lot offers from models and actresses but I can always make time for old friends, you never know I may be able to betray you to somebody else, it's always useful to have a lot of friends so you can hide behind them. There are only two problems firstly I don't like Italian food, and secondly just how gullible do you think I am? I know the old trick of getting your enemy next to the volcano and then either causing an eruption or just pushing him in it.
*****
Dear Mr. Pettigrew-
Let me start by saying I am your most devoted fan, and have been inspired to new levels of treachery by your exploits!
I would like to become a professional turn-coat, betraying my friends and family for fun and profit. Do you have any advice as to how to get started in my life of traitordom? Is there any special equipment and/or training I need?
Your most devoted follower,
Lady Piper
P.S. I don't suppose you need a lackey do you....?
*
I'm touched by your nice letter, although it's a very hard job to be a professional turncoat you already sound to be half way there. It's very important that you make friends with people who are more important than you, then the bad guy will always kill them and not you, I would also advise trying to sell your grandmother for scientific experiments, I got 200 galleons for my grandmother. Of course you don't need any special equipment, just make sure you never miss an opportunity to cash in on everything and if you have to chose sides make sure you chose the side with the most power and the nicest houses.
Your encouraging mentor
P.S. I always need lackeys, if you want the job catch the knight bus to Peter's Place
*****
Dear dirty rat.
DIE YOU EVIL BAG OF FILTH!!! I SHOULD HAVE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR TELLING VOLDEMORT (Ron: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!) WHERE MY PARENTS WERE!!! IN FACT, VOLDEMORT AND I AGREED TO STOP OUR FUED UNTIL WE MANAGED TO TORTURE AND KILL YOU!
Person that seriously (no offence, Sirius) wants to kill Peter.
*
Shut up scarboy, after all I've done for you, this is how you repay me. I've protected you your whole life, I got rid of your parents who would have made you eat nasty things like sprouts, I made you world famous and I got you a really nice scar. In fact I'm the only person to really stand by you, Sirius uses been in Azkaban as an excuse, well he could have broken out sooner and Remus didn't even bother coming to see you. You should be ashamed of yourself, shouting at the man who ensured your ever-lasting fame.
A very upset ex-best friend of your father and godfather
*****
Dear ex-slave that will soon be dead.
WEAK AM I?! WE'LL SEE HOW WEAK I AM WHEN POTTER AND I SHOW UP TO KILL YOU! YOU'LL PAY FOR CALLING ME THAT! YOU'LL ALSO PAY FOR TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT THE TEACUP INCIDENT! (How did you find out about that, anyways?)
Rat Hunter, aka Lord Voldemort.
*
You know I was such a fool, I actually thought you might have some power, but you needed my help for everything, you'd still be a shadow in Romania if it wasn't for me. You can't even kill me by yourself, you need help from a small boy who keeps defeating you, so I'm not really even slightly worried by your pointless threats
From the man who has pictures of you sleeping with a teddy bear as well as the teacup incident
P.S. Be careful working with scarboy, he may take the opportunity to kill you once and for all and we wouldn't want that would we
*****
Dear Mr. Petti,
I feel so alone. No one likes my cooking. I don't understand why. It's not like mixing random potion ingredients does any harm, right? That's how inventions are made. I have enclosed a sample of my hemlockade, try it and write back with your comments.
Brilliant Chef
*
I know exactly what you mean, I made beautiful food and yet nobody ate it, not even Sirius and he once ate bark from the tree. For example I spent hours making this wonderful pink cake for Harry's first birthday, it was a labour of love but Lily just flew into a rage and accused me of trying to poison her son, but I got her back in the end.
I think hemlockade is a wonderful invention, I gave it to my annoying next door neighbour and now she's in a coma, well done
A fellow brilliant chef
*****
Wormtail!
How could you abandon your master like that? I knew you were an idiot, but really. You have committed suicide, Wormtail. We WILL get you.
Dark Lord's Apprentice
*
How very scary, I'm quaking at the very prospect. So which one of you deatheaters wrote it? I don't think Crabbe and Goyle even know how to write so not them, if this is Malfoy then he doesn't have the nerve to kill me. In fact have any of you deatheaters done anything remotely scary recently? Besides you're meant to be killing scarface, so if you can't kill a schoolboy, how do you expect to kill me?
From a very amused former deatheater who may turn you all into the ministry, I hear Azkaban is lovely this time of year
*****
Dear Mr. Pettigrew,
My thirty cats are very bothersome. They want to be fed constantly. They want to be let in. They want to be let out. They scratch my sofa. They scratch my house plants. They scratch my walls. They scratch the back of my head. What should I do?
Bald With Cat Hair.
*
Have you considered the possibility of selling them? They could prove to be wonderful bodyguards, I personally will buy one and not feed it, so if Voldie or scarboy come round the cat will just tear them to shreds. I would look at them not as a bother but as an opportunity to make serious money
*****
Dear Evil Peter,
I think you are still a Death Eater. I think you have plans to win back the trust of the people. Then, I think you will set out to rule the world. I think you are in the league with You-Know-Who. I think you are an evil fraud. I think you're a big meanie who thinks we can't see what you are planning with your evil mind and your more evil intentions.
Future Auror
*
I think that's very insightful of you, while my ambition at the moment is really just to help people in need (honestly), at some point I do intend to rule the world. I would like to offer you a position in my team, if you accept you will control vast armies and have a large mansion, if you decline I will find you and most probably kill you.
Have a nice day
*****
Dear Peter,
Is it true about the rat thing? I am a misunderstood journalist who became an animagus just so I could make loads of cash, uh, that is, people educated. For some reason everyone hates me. Do you know why this is?
Sincerely,
R. S.
PS - if you would like to meet up sometime and discuss our mutual experiences as animagi, see me in the Leaky Cauldron at 3.00pm tomorrow. Maybe you could tell me why many men shy away from me, are they overwhelmed by my dazzling good looks? I'm sure it can't be the news story I ran on my ex-boyfriend, that was completely true. Well, in a metaphorical sense
*
The rat thing is true, I was trying to keep it secret but people do seem to be obsessed with me, I'm rather like a very famous celebrity so I allowed people to know about my fabulous amigus powers. I find that often the best- looking and brainiest people are the ones who are hated, women often run away when I go near them because they're just too shy to talk to me. It sounds like we have a lot in common so if I can spare the time I'll see you at 3.
From a fellow amigus
P.S. Making money is a very admirable aim, I suggest you try and find new and improved ways of doing so, (advice columnist pays quite well)
*****
Dear Peter,
I recently got excepted into Hogwarts. When I arrived, I got offered a spot in the Quidditch team. Should I take it?
Signed,
Awesome Flier
*
Did I ever tell you how brilliant I was at Quidditch? I was probably the best player Hogwarts had ever seen, I played seeker and I could beat anybody. But because I was such a nice and caring young man, I decided to let James have my position because he didn't really seem to be good at anything. Oh yeah back to you, of course you should play on your Quidditch team unless you're really ugly and embarrassed to be seen in public
Quidditch expert
*****
Dear Wormtail,
How do you find and torture the ex-deatheater that has been giving away secrets on what annoys Lord Voldemort? I'd really appreciate it if you could answer me.
From Dear ol' Voldie
*
Voldie, Voldie, Voldie, when will you learn that people you think are weaker than you generally end up defeating you. However I will give you advice because I feel sorry for you trying to be so evil and failing miserably every time, so maybe this death-eater has other enemy's who would also like to see him dead (*cough Sirius cough*) (*cough Harry cough*) (*cough Remus cough*). Maybe these other people would consider helping a poor feeble old man like you to hunt down this particularly charming and handsome ex-deatheater, but if you do take this advice just remember I have very incriminating photo's of you on a beach with not many clothes on.
Say hi to that snake of yours from me
*****
*
*
Disclaimer: Surprising though it may be to believe, I don't own any of Harry Potter
A/N: Special shout out to Luz De Estrella who e-mailed me several letters, thanks to everyone who sent a letter and please continue to send them