Disclaimer: Nothings changed, I don't own this
A/N: Just to let you know that if you want to read a more serious Peter fic, then 'Saving the past' is currently on chapter four
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Dear Dirty Traitor,
I HATE YOU!!!! YOU BETTER HOPE THAT I DON'T MEET VOLDEMORT AND TEAM UP WITH HIM AND HARRY!! BY THE WAY, THIS IS HARRY'S GIRLFRIEND AND IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON HIS CUTE LITTLE HEAD, I WILL KILL YOU {NOT LIKE I ALLREADY AIN'T}
Signed, ticked off girlfriend
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Dear delusional dreamer
Cute little head? Who exactly are you? Let me guess its either that little Weasel, or how about that one whose boyfriend I killed or maybe even the geeky best friend. Whoever it is they must be blind, Harry has the kind of face that only a mother could love especially as it's scared right across his forehead, don't you think it's rather disfiguring? I always thought Harry was gay, are you sure he's not just using you as a way to make Ron or Draco jealous? And by the way the thought of Harry and Voldemort working together is very scary, but only because I can imagine the arguments about who gets to use the bathroom first in the mornings.
P.S. I'm not dirty, I take regular baths
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Dear Ratty.
Just to set the record straight, I was not going to wait for the volcano to blow.(That would be stupid.) Just as I was not going to shove you in when your back was turned, I had just planed on dinner, by the way you were a no show. But have no fear about the cost of having reserved the table for two. I did have a nice chat with an old friend. Who was sweet enough to have dinner with me. Things went very well and we picked up right where we left off. With luck Sev and I will be married sometime next year. I will be by next Tuesday to kill you with a chainsaw and lime juice for standing me up. I got my magic mirror back so you can't hide.
Ticked off Godmother with Chainsaw.
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My favourite chainsaw wielding maniac
I'm sure Snape will be a wonderful husband, but I'd be careful that all that grease from his hair doesn't block up the plug-hole. If I was trying to hide then I wouldn't be writing for a big paper would I, in fact I'll meet up with you on Tuesday, but be aware that I do have an annoying tendency to escape trouble and then the other person ends up in jail. If you don't believe me then just ask Sirius, he knows full well how dangerous it is to mess with me
The guy with plans to gatecrash your wedding
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Dear rat boy,
if you are so interested in making money, maybe you should sell yourself to a rat lab. They shock the rats, have electric floors and everything. Why don't you do this. I'm sure it pays better then conversing with the dark lord.
One who loves *cough*hates*cough* you dearly
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Dear stupid suggestions
Or I could capture you and sell your organs off bit by bit that should make me even more money. It's not hard to make more money than working for Voldie, considering he doesn't pay anything, in fact I may have to call the employment office and anonymously tip them off about that.
From everyone's favourite rat
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Dear Mr Pettigrew,
Why did you betray the Mr and Mrs Potter, then try to pass the blame to Mr Black?
Signed, Just Curious...
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Dear Curious
Well I was made secret keeper, which was fine with me because I'm obviously so trustworthy and nice. But then I had to hide as well, which got really boring so I was just going to tell them that I didn't want to be secret keeper any more, but when I went to see them Harry was sick all over my nice new shirt. Well as you can imagine I was very angry and took the only available option, selling Lily and James to Voldie. Sirius just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, unlucky for him really.
From Mr Pettigrew, chief column editor at the Daily Prophet
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Dear Mr. Pettigrew-
Thank you very much for your advice! I'm pleased to tell you that the bid for my grandmother on ebay just passed the five thousand dollar mark! (I'm not certain what the current dollars/galleons ratio is) While I'm waiting for the bidding to finish, I've got a few more questions to ask you, my wonderful, handsome, rodentine mentor:
I've never been troubled by this 'conscience' thing that people keep talking about. Do I need one? How much blackmail money should I ask for if you have naked pictures of someone important with a 'lady of ill repute'? Which newspaper should I send them to, if they don't pay?
Well, I must away with me, I have to figure out what the minimum bid should be for a first cousin.
Your most devoted follower,
Lady Piper
P.S. I'll hop the Knight Bus as soon as possible--see you soon
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To my worthy successor
A conscience is a very bad thing and if you ever do acquire one sell it quickly before it can sully that wonderful nature of yours. As for these pictures they sound priceless, you should make a lot of unreasonable demands to this man and even if he somehow manages to pay you should then sell them to the Daily Prophet anyway. (Is it Fudge? Because that would be hilarious but not as hilarious as Malfoy or Dumbledore)
I look forward to meeting you, I think we will make a very good partnership and will do many great things together, well great for us not for the people we're going to exploit and trick
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Dear rattail (hehe)
How do you catch the person who tied you to a gravestone and brought back the person who killed your parents, framed your godfather and is the reason you're living with the worst muggles on the planet?
Sincerely,
Snuffles' godson (and his friends)
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Dear HP
Usually if you got a good look at your attacker you would be able to track him down after endless years of hard work and eventually try and kill him. However in your case it's easy here I am, but Harry how many times do I have to tell you that I did you a favour, you can tell some wonderful great escape stories down the pub now. And as for the Dursley's being the worst muggles on the planet, I must disagree with you, at least they gave you a lovely snug little room and some food, it's a lot more than some people get. But maybe you could enter the Dursley's for the 'Worst muggles on the planet' competition which is run by the Daily Prophet every year.
From WORMtail (be careful insulting me you may find yourself tied to another grave in the near future)
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A/N: Another chapter another round of shameless begging for reviews. So here goes: Please review, please review pleeeaasseee
A/N: Just to let you know that if you want to read a more serious Peter fic, then 'Saving the past' is currently on chapter four
.
.
.
Dear Dirty Traitor,
I HATE YOU!!!! YOU BETTER HOPE THAT I DON'T MEET VOLDEMORT AND TEAM UP WITH HIM AND HARRY!! BY THE WAY, THIS IS HARRY'S GIRLFRIEND AND IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON HIS CUTE LITTLE HEAD, I WILL KILL YOU {NOT LIKE I ALLREADY AIN'T}
Signed, ticked off girlfriend
*
Dear delusional dreamer
Cute little head? Who exactly are you? Let me guess its either that little Weasel, or how about that one whose boyfriend I killed or maybe even the geeky best friend. Whoever it is they must be blind, Harry has the kind of face that only a mother could love especially as it's scared right across his forehead, don't you think it's rather disfiguring? I always thought Harry was gay, are you sure he's not just using you as a way to make Ron or Draco jealous? And by the way the thought of Harry and Voldemort working together is very scary, but only because I can imagine the arguments about who gets to use the bathroom first in the mornings.
P.S. I'm not dirty, I take regular baths
**
*
*
*
**
Dear Ratty.
Just to set the record straight, I was not going to wait for the volcano to blow.(That would be stupid.) Just as I was not going to shove you in when your back was turned, I had just planed on dinner, by the way you were a no show. But have no fear about the cost of having reserved the table for two. I did have a nice chat with an old friend. Who was sweet enough to have dinner with me. Things went very well and we picked up right where we left off. With luck Sev and I will be married sometime next year. I will be by next Tuesday to kill you with a chainsaw and lime juice for standing me up. I got my magic mirror back so you can't hide.
Ticked off Godmother with Chainsaw.
*
My favourite chainsaw wielding maniac
I'm sure Snape will be a wonderful husband, but I'd be careful that all that grease from his hair doesn't block up the plug-hole. If I was trying to hide then I wouldn't be writing for a big paper would I, in fact I'll meet up with you on Tuesday, but be aware that I do have an annoying tendency to escape trouble and then the other person ends up in jail. If you don't believe me then just ask Sirius, he knows full well how dangerous it is to mess with me
The guy with plans to gatecrash your wedding
**
*
*
*
**
Dear rat boy,
if you are so interested in making money, maybe you should sell yourself to a rat lab. They shock the rats, have electric floors and everything. Why don't you do this. I'm sure it pays better then conversing with the dark lord.
One who loves *cough*hates*cough* you dearly
*
Dear stupid suggestions
Or I could capture you and sell your organs off bit by bit that should make me even more money. It's not hard to make more money than working for Voldie, considering he doesn't pay anything, in fact I may have to call the employment office and anonymously tip them off about that.
From everyone's favourite rat
**
*
*
*
**
Dear Mr Pettigrew,
Why did you betray the Mr and Mrs Potter, then try to pass the blame to Mr Black?
Signed, Just Curious...
*
Dear Curious
Well I was made secret keeper, which was fine with me because I'm obviously so trustworthy and nice. But then I had to hide as well, which got really boring so I was just going to tell them that I didn't want to be secret keeper any more, but when I went to see them Harry was sick all over my nice new shirt. Well as you can imagine I was very angry and took the only available option, selling Lily and James to Voldie. Sirius just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, unlucky for him really.
From Mr Pettigrew, chief column editor at the Daily Prophet
**
*
*
*
**
Dear Mr. Pettigrew-
Thank you very much for your advice! I'm pleased to tell you that the bid for my grandmother on ebay just passed the five thousand dollar mark! (I'm not certain what the current dollars/galleons ratio is) While I'm waiting for the bidding to finish, I've got a few more questions to ask you, my wonderful, handsome, rodentine mentor:
I've never been troubled by this 'conscience' thing that people keep talking about. Do I need one? How much blackmail money should I ask for if you have naked pictures of someone important with a 'lady of ill repute'? Which newspaper should I send them to, if they don't pay?
Well, I must away with me, I have to figure out what the minimum bid should be for a first cousin.
Your most devoted follower,
Lady Piper
P.S. I'll hop the Knight Bus as soon as possible--see you soon
*
To my worthy successor
A conscience is a very bad thing and if you ever do acquire one sell it quickly before it can sully that wonderful nature of yours. As for these pictures they sound priceless, you should make a lot of unreasonable demands to this man and even if he somehow manages to pay you should then sell them to the Daily Prophet anyway. (Is it Fudge? Because that would be hilarious but not as hilarious as Malfoy or Dumbledore)
I look forward to meeting you, I think we will make a very good partnership and will do many great things together, well great for us not for the people we're going to exploit and trick
**
*
*
*
**
Dear rattail (hehe)
How do you catch the person who tied you to a gravestone and brought back the person who killed your parents, framed your godfather and is the reason you're living with the worst muggles on the planet?
Sincerely,
Snuffles' godson (and his friends)
*
Dear HP
Usually if you got a good look at your attacker you would be able to track him down after endless years of hard work and eventually try and kill him. However in your case it's easy here I am, but Harry how many times do I have to tell you that I did you a favour, you can tell some wonderful great escape stories down the pub now. And as for the Dursley's being the worst muggles on the planet, I must disagree with you, at least they gave you a lovely snug little room and some food, it's a lot more than some people get. But maybe you could enter the Dursley's for the 'Worst muggles on the planet' competition which is run by the Daily Prophet every year.
From WORMtail (be careful insulting me you may find yourself tied to another grave in the near future)
.
.
.
A/N: Another chapter another round of shameless begging for reviews. So here goes: Please review, please review pleeeaasseee